Reviews of The Baron of Whitfield Beach (Rev. 2) 45

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  UTTERLY CHARMING & FILMABLE
  A review of The Baron of Whitfield Beach (Rev. 2)
  by HeatMiser on 01/19/2007
  "The Baron of Whitfield Beach" is an unpretentious and enchanting story. The plot is well structured and the motivations of the characters are clear at all times. The dialog, especially that of Hassim and Isobelle, is pleasantly unpredictable, delightfully mischievous and always true to character. This script could potentially appeal to a wide demographic and would be a relatively... "The Baron of Whitfield Beach" is an unpretentious and enchanting story. The plot is well structured and the motivations of the characters are clear at all times. The dialog, especially that of Hassim and Isobelle, is pleasantly unpredictable, delightfully mischievous and always true to character. This script could potentially appeal to a wide demographic and would be a relatively inexpensive to produce (by Hollywood standards), which leads to the question...why hasn't Trigger Street Productions mined TriggerStreet.com for potential projects like this? Hopefully, in the future they will. In the meantime, they don’t owe us anything because there is no doubt that "The Baron of Whitfield Beach (Rev. 2)" has benefited from the comments of TriggerStreet.com reviewers. It’s terrific. My only notes are that, as a reader, the early mentions of Penelope's face are a little cryptic. As an audience member this will not be an issue, of course, but from a reader's perspective, perhaps they should be clearer. Also, it felt to me like Myrtle Beach was a random place for Henry to escape to. Myrtle Beach is nice, but I can think of dozens of places I would rather vacation and Henry has the means to go ANYWHERE. Maybe there is a way to make Myrtle Beach a part of the story - like Henry has a happy past there and is going back to relive a moment from his childhood, etc. Regardless, this is a first-rate script that earns every teary-eyed moment and is definitely worth a read. Good job and good luck! read
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  Snooty aristocrat meets Cosby kid
  A review of The Baron of Whitfield Beach (Rev. 2)
  by andybren on 11/19/2006
  This script has a promising premise, but there are two significant flaws that prevents it’s successful execution. First, we are lead to believe that an elderly British aristocrat would a life-changing crisis thirty years after a particular incident takes place. And second, the aristocrat has no clear character arc, giving the resulting events a haphazard, unconnected feel... This script has a promising premise, but there are two significant flaws that prevents it’s successful execution. First, we are lead to believe that an elderly British aristocrat would a life-changing crisis thirty years after a particular incident takes place. And second, the aristocrat has no clear character arc, giving the resulting events a haphazard, unconnected feel.
  
  Pg. 1 – The “Once Upon a Time” title sets the wrong tone. Despite a few references to princesses and the like, this isn’t a fairy tale.
  
  Pg. 2-4 – Henry falls asleep by the fire, but yet in the rest of the script he has an irrational fear of fire, even from a gas stove. Why this inconsistency? Are we to believe that the phobia just occurred out of thin air?
  
  Pg. 7 – Henry is retiring? Do British aristocrats retire? Even if he’s not a baron and is just a wealthy person, why is does he work until he’s 65? Retirement isn’t necessary to have a pivotal birthday. See Michael Douglas’s character in “The Game”.
  
  Pg. 12 – I don’t buy Henry going to Myrtle Beach on purpose. Even if there’s some exclusive resort there, I don’t think it’s set up well enough to create the “fish out of water” situation.
  
  Pg. 13 – No description of Henry’s physical reaction to being surrounded by rowdy college students.
  
  Pg. 14-15 – The desk clerk uses words like “pity” and “nonetheless”. Is he mocking Henry, or are we actually supposed to think that a rental car clerk uses proper English?
  
  Pg. 15 – Henry complains about the rental car costing too much but throws around money every where else.
  
  Pg. 16 – Not clear if Lady Ashford is happy about Henry’s situation, and whether or not it was a deliberate “mistake”. Also, there is no set-up for the mistake in the first place. It’s like a punchline without a joke. Also, Henry swears off airplanes. How does he plan to travel instead? There needs to be a better reason why he doesn’t just leave town.
  
  Pg. 18 – How does the car rental agent know that Henry is the Baron of Whitfield? The whole Whitfield/Whitfield Beach joke is a little forced, but it could still be presented better. Also, is Henry driving an SUV the strongest choice? Isn’t the last car at a rental agency always the worst car possible?
  
  Pg. 20 – Is Whitfield Beach being “upscale” the strongest choice? Wouldn’t it be more interesting if Henry had to stay in a more run-down, blue collar community?
  
  Pg. 21 – Why wait so long to show Isobelle?
  
  Pg. 22 – No description of The Dragon. Can’t initially tell if she’s a teenage girl or a 60 year old woman. And what teenaged babysitter smokes in the house of her employer? If she’s supposed ridiculously over-the-top, it needs to be more clear.
  
  Pg. 28 – Is Lady Ashford really worried about Henry? Her feelings are unclear throughout.
  
  Pg. 29 – How long is Henry planning on staying with Ellen and Isobelle? Why doesn’t Ellen ask?
  
  Pg. 31-40 – Henry’s first day in Whitfield Beach doesn’t seem to have a direction. What was he planning to do with his vacation, and how did that change as a result of his situation?
  
  Pg. 33 – A 7 year old wouldn’t say “on account of” and “unfortunate incident of the flaming marshmellow”
  
  Pg. 52 – Ellen accepts humiliation at the hands of Henry. So she is a poor black woman who is abused by old white men at work, then comes home and lets another old white man abuse her further. Is she really so poor that she would accept such humiliation without any misgivings? It’s one thing not to develop her character, it’s another to portray her as being extraordinarily weak and backward.
  
  Pg. 55 – Ellen overreacts to Henry’s slight of her daughter, but then doesn’t even follow her daughter to comfort her. And why does Henry react how he does? Shouldn’t he be more considerate of Isobelle by now? I would understand if he is jealous of Isobelle’s affection for Hassim --- it would make him realize how fond he has come to be of Isobelle --- but none of that is there.
  
  Pg. 56 – Henry fires the babysitter and doesn’t seem to have any awareness of the consequences.
  
  Pg. 60 – Why is the Henry and Mrs. Paxton conversation off screen? Is the interaction of the kids supposed to be that visually stimulating?
  
  Pg. 61 – Where does Henry defense of Isobelle come from? Is he reacting to the bullying, to Mrs. Paxton’s racism, or to the provisional gossiping? Considering that Henry comes from such a classist society, there needs to be much stronger look into his motivations here. Plus, if this is his character’s turning point, the firing of the babysitter should come after that.
  
  Pg. 66 – This is the first indication of Ellen’s financial situation. Far too late to explain why she has been putting up with Henry. And far too late for her to start fighting against his behavior.
  
  Pg. 67 – Ellen and Henry talk about Henry looking after Isobelle as if that wasn’t already an obvious situation. If Henry expected her to find another babysitter, he should’ve said so earlier. Also, if Henry’s character is to change at all, he should be the one suggesting that he can take care of her.
  
  Pg. 72 – Why the mention of a specific song?
  
  Pg. 80 – Where does Max’s rant come from? Is he serious, or just being a cad?
  
  Pg. 83 – The cop mentions “at this hour” even though the whole sequence appears to happening in daylight.
  
  Pg. 87 – Why is Ellen crying? Very little this woman does makes sense from a character point-of-view.
  
  Pg. 92 – Ellen mentions Isobelle’s “old self” but there is no indication anywhere that she hasn’t been herself. Was there supposed to be a character arc there?
  
  Pg. 93 – Henry runs into the night in a fit of emotion. As if he wasn’t an elderly, British aristocrat.
  
  Pg. 98 – The doctor says Henry can’t visit because of space restrictions? Strange choice. Why not say that only blood relative can visit? It makes more sense and adds an emotional dimension to the choice.
  
  Pg. 106 – Why wouldn’t Henry explain to Isobelle that he needed to visit his daughter. Wouldn’t she understand that? Putting a bow on Hassim’s head is just silly. read
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  GOOD CONCEPT BUT DOESN'T GO TOO DEEP
  A review of The Baron of Whitfield Beach (Rev. 2)
  by tomcorradini on 11/10/2006
  I read the script in one go and I must say that, although at first I didn't find it catchy, it made a pleasent and funny reading. However the undergoing feeling of the whole script is kind of flat. The Baron of Whitfield is well outlined as a character and is rich and sophisticated dialogue together with a cold sense of humor makes him quite endearing. Yet this character is... I read the script in one go and I must say that, although at first I didn't find it catchy, it made a pleasent and funny reading.
  
  However the undergoing feeling of the whole script is kind of flat. The Baron of Whitfield is well outlined as a character and is rich and sophisticated dialogue together with a cold sense of humor makes him quite endearing. Yet this character is mixed up with a parallel story (the fire accident involving his daughter) which I didn't find to involving.
  
  I'd have stayed really with the character. There is so much to say here, especially regarding the peculiarities and differences about American mass and British classist mentality (at one time the script reminded me a little - vary vaguely though - of "A fish called Wanda".
  
  Overall the subplot about Penelope and the character of Isabelle do draw energy from the protagonist. Not too much can be done about it at this stage, unfortunately. Plot is plot and it wouldn't be useful to ask for a rewrite.
  
  Would make and interesting tv movie but I wouldn't suggest this for a theatrical audience.
  read
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  Touching
  A review of The Baron of Whitfield Beach (Rev. 2)
  by munley on 11/02/2006
  First, the story was nice. It was clear and easy to follow. The central character, Henry, was intriguing and a joy to laugh at/with. The thing that really strikes me about this script is something that gets left behind in many screenplays... The human aspect. We are able to see from the beginning that Henry is NOT the best person. He is not a good father, husband or grandfather..... First, the story was nice. It was clear and easy to follow. The central character, Henry, was intriguing and a joy to laugh at/with.
  
  The thing that really strikes me about this script is something that gets left behind in many screenplays... The human aspect. We are able to see from the beginning that Henry is NOT the best person. He is not a good father, husband or grandfather... You could argue that he isn't even a good person period. But, through a flashback, we see exactly what it is that isolates Henry from everybody around him. Guilt.
  
  Using guilt, you were able to set up the theme of the script; Second chances. (At least that's what I got out of it). Henry is helped along by Isobelle and eventually warms up to the world around him and, more importantly, forgives himself.
  
  The only problem I had was the scene on the beach where Henry comes to Isobelle's defense when she's being bullied. I know that he playing into Isobelle's fantasy of being a pirate, but his dialogue was too out of character. Maybe just have him swoop in and berate the kids in the same fashion that he does everyone else. Just have him go off on them. That would seem a bit more in character and it would also serve the purpose of the scene.. Which I assume was to finally show him warming up to little Isobelle.
  
  There were very few, if any, technical errors in the script.
  
  Overall, I liked this script a lot. It's a great fish out of water story with natural human emotion mixed in. Good job. read
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  Whitfield Review
  A review of The Baron of Whitfield Beach (Rev. 2)
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 10/27/2006
  The concept and characters are interesting enough and there is definitely a very real human aspect to the story. The universal themes of love and getting a second chance are well represented through a clever mis-matched pairing of a rich old Baron and a wonderfully imaginative little girl from poor South Carolina. Following the exploits of Lord Ashford is intriguing just to... The concept and characters are interesting enough and there is definitely a very real human aspect to the story. The universal themes of love and getting a second chance are well represented through a clever mis-matched pairing of a rich old Baron and a wonderfully imaginative little girl from poor South Carolina. Following the exploits of Lord Ashford is intriguing just to see how this fish-out-of-water can handle himself, trying to balance past failures, a flailing marriage, a broken family and this new way of life to which he has been unexpectedly been introduced. For those who enjoy the born-again tale this is a movie worth reviewing. read
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  nice, but kind of vague
  A review of The Baron of Whitfield Beach (Rev. 2)
  by TheBigg on 10/27/2006
  Generally, I found the narrative straight forward and easy to follow. With the help of a stuggling single mom and her irrepresible daughter, a crotchety English lord, beset by personal demons, is able to save himself and them. The relationship between Isobelle and Henry is a little too easy. Henry does not seem either mean enough or nice enough to her to earn the turn when... Generally, I found the narrative straight forward and easy to follow. With the help of a stuggling single mom and her irrepresible daughter, a crotchety English lord, beset by personal demons, is able to save himself and them.
  The relationship between Isobelle and Henry is a little too easy. Henry does not seem either mean enough or nice enough to her to earn the turn when he starts to care for her.
  The scene when he leaps to her defence on the beach felt inserted and without enough context. I appreciate the necessity, but it needs help. Perhaps if Henry were more seriously an alcoholic. Affable and easy going on the sauce, caustic and nasty when sober.
  I really didn't like the device of Isobelle falling down the stairs. For me anyway, it felt pretty contrived. It occured to me it might work better if instead the original passport is buried with the rest of the treasure and Isobelle runs away to the beach by herself, as we were repeatedly told she should never do, to retrieve it. She doesn't want to lose Henry, but doesn't want to hurt him either, so she goes to get it and runs into trouble on the beach. ie. slips on rocks or almost drowns.
  I also found the return trip to england to 'make amends' too heavy handed. it would do better with no dialogue and just poignant scenes telling the story. The tension with Henry/Ellen-Max/Evelyn also felt a little forced. Henry(65) is more than twice Ellens(30) age. Henry would be more a father figure to Ellen and a Grandfather to Isobelle.
  Now, I do like Henry's sarcastic quips. Loads of fun. His relationship with Hassim is quite good. Though Hassim and Ellen together at the end seems quite a stretch.
  I think the story needs to be shorter and more to the point. Maybe losing most of the back story with either Henry and his wifes trouble or Ellen and her problems and focusing more on the backstory you keep. I would tend to lose the bit with Henry's wife and Max and all that. Leave it suggested, but thats it.
  Your story conventions are solid, I just think that it has too many. Having to tie up all those loose ends makes all the 'happy endings' lose their edge. read
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  Totally charming
  A review of The Baron of Whitfield Beach (Rev. 2)
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 08/28/2006
  This is a funny script with a great central character. I'm not sure if the writer is from "across the pond" but one way or the other, he or she definitely knows their Brit vernacular and its distinctive droll wit that makes them pretty much the funniest people on the planet in my opinion. The only reservations I have are a tendency towards some overwrought dialogue. The one... This is a funny script with a great central character. I'm not sure if the writer is from "across the pond" but one way or the other, he or she definitely knows their Brit vernacular and its distinctive droll wit that makes them pretty much the funniest people on the planet in my opinion.
  The only reservations I have are a tendency towards some overwrought dialogue. The one example that sticks out is Henry's defense of Isobelle on the beach. I know it's supposed to be mock-chivalrous but it comes across as out of Henry's character. I think we expected more of his acerbic wit here, unleashed upon both the horrible children and the uncaring mother. The scene as it plays now is a little, and I hate to use this word but it fits, corny, even embarassing. I couldn't imagine any fun way of playing this scene and really hoped for one of Henry's trademark, belittling tirades, which I think is what he would elect here. There are a few other instances of this and some repetitive bratty behavior by Isobelle (just how many times does she march into her room and slam the door?) that could be addressed.
  The other suggestion I have is to spend some time with Hassim and Ellen in his first visit. Just something to indicate a mutual attraction so that when he returns at the end, their romance is not so out of the blue. As it stands now, their union at the end seems kind of pat and tacked on (especially since there is a brief flirtation between Henry and Ellen). Give them a moment during his first visit and this problem will be solved.
  Other than that, I really enjoyed this script. I know he's not quite old enough but I couldn't picture anybody but Hugh Grant in the lead role. I could just see and hear him delivering these put-downs and laughed out loud more than a few times.
  A winning, engaging comedy. Take a bow! read
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  Review of "The Baron of Whitfield Beach"
  A review of The Baron of Whitfield Beach (Rev. 2)
  by grey on 08/12/2006
  I found this mix of comedy and a touch of pathos to be a real charmer with a strong lead character (in his sixties – which was refreshing). In fact “character” is the strongest aspect of this script. The irascible English lord, irritating manservant, and annoying kid are stock characters to be sure, but it’s good stock and pure fun. Even supporting characters like Lady Ashford... I found this mix of comedy and a touch of pathos to be a real charmer with a strong lead character (in his sixties – which was refreshing). In fact “character” is the strongest aspect of this script.
  The irascible English lord, irritating manservant, and annoying kid are stock characters to be sure, but it’s good stock and pure fun. Even supporting characters like Lady Ashford had subtle aspects to their natures that added depth to the story. I love it when the supporting cast isn’t just scenery.
  The only character not as well conceived was Ellen. For example, on pg. 39 Henry shuts the door on “the Dragon” and is in Isobelle’s room alone with her while she’s crying and after she’s been throwing things at him. One would assume Doreen would report this to Ellen, yet that evening Ellen does nothing. Maybe it’s just me, but I think an average parent would see this as a big red warning flag. An audience might not buy Ellen giving the run of her house, and her daughter, to a man she doesn’t know, English lord or not. Later, Ellen sees the rug is burned, Isobelle says, “The Dragon breathed fire on it.” and we know that Ellen understands the Dragon means Doreen, yet Ellen proceeds to berate Henry. Here’s another one, Ellen cries at the police station. This doesn’t make sense to me, laugh or chew him out for disturbing one of her neighbors maybe, but cry?
  The dialogue was solid and hit the right comedic tone. A couple of items bothered me though. The word “Whitfield” isn’t spoken until the car rental agent says it. I think the juxtaposition of where Henry’s from to where he’s going needs to be more obvious, and so a mention of his estate’s name should come in the initial pages. Also, Mrs. Paxton has a low opinion of Ellen, a woman whose husband ran off, owns a house, holds down a full time job, and is concerned about her child; what’s not to love about Ellen? If the point is to make Mrs. Paxton a racist, I think the dialogue needs to be more overt.
  Another bit that, though always funny, felt worn was Henry using a bell to harass Ellen. Perhaps it could be updated? I suggest that Henry use a series of loud, obnoxious toys to get Ellen upstairs (my kids have one that makes their voice sound like an alien – it’s awful). Ellen could confiscate the toy after hearing what Henry wants, but then he could come out with a new one each time. Just a thought.
  The major thing that I noticed was that the screenplay was packed with too many ideas, little byways that didn’t enhance the story. Such as: Henry didn’t just disfigure Penelope by his negligence, he caused Victoria’s death. Henry is not just burdened by the past, but has panic attacks when the memories come. On pg. 89, in the bar, Ellen isn’t just depressed by her situation, but has romantic intentions toward Henry. At the end, Ellen doesn’t just get Hassim, but also half a million dollars from Henry. It felt, as the screenplay progressed, that the piece was reaching for too much, and closed with, not just a happy ending, but a super-perfect ending.
  Don’t get me wrong – the above points, though lengthy (sorry) are minor. Only the most jaded could not be won over by the sweetness of this story. Good Luck to you. read
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  Hello again!
  A review of The Baron of Whitfield Beach (Rev. 2)
  by debbie98 on 08/10/2006
  I have the memory of that fish from Finding Nemo, and I didn't save a copy of my last review, but maybe it's for the best. The scene where you introduce Ellen at the office could be a bit more subtle, as the rest of your story. A malicious look from one of her co-workers could work better than the current dialog. I still have my reservations about the Rock Lobster dance, but... I have the memory of that fish from Finding Nemo, and I didn't save a copy of my last review, but maybe it's for the best.
  The scene where you introduce Ellen at the office could be a bit more subtle, as the rest of your story. A malicious look from one of her co-workers could work better than the current dialog.
  I still have my reservations about the Rock Lobster dance, but maybe I'm just having difficulty visualizing it the way you are (it is the B-52's Rock Lobster, isn't it?). I suppose I also have some difficulty imagining a sixty-five year old running out into the sea. Maybe the "unfortunate incident of the flaming marshmellow" is too fancy a line for a seven year old? Oh well, nitpicks!
  I really like that you dropped the affair Henry had had from the sp, keeps it more focused. I believe you also did some alterations in the hospital flahback? Works much better now, as far as I can remember. Once again, love the dance between Hassim and Henry.
  The dialogs are very well written, very witty and have a great flow. I'm impressed by how you manage to fill your scenes with small gestures and actions and not just talk. You're not just giving out arbitrary or "filler" directions for the actors, everything is meaningfull and there's no doubt in my mind they do belong in your spec sp.
  To be perfectly honest, I'm not entirely convinced this is for the big screen. I picture watching this on TV instead, or rather, I think it oscilates between the two categories.
  Your sp's "daily favorites" status is well deserved. I'm giving it a "consider". read
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  Little Miss Sunshine
  A review of The Baron of Whitfield Beach (Rev. 2)
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 07/28/2006
  First, I am a 36-year-old man who rarely (if ever) cries. I cried when I read this screenplay. I also laughed out loud. When the desciption stated that this was a Children/Comedy/Drama, and I read the first 10 pages (without any overt jokes) I wondered if it wasn't misclassed. This is a wonderful combination of comedy and drama. I thought the idea was very innovative. I... First, I am a 36-year-old man who rarely (if ever) cries. I cried when I read this screenplay. I also laughed out loud.
  When the desciption stated that this was a Children/Comedy/Drama, and I read the first 10 pages (without any overt jokes) I wondered if it wasn't misclassed. This is a wonderful combination of comedy and drama.
  I thought the idea was very innovative. I wondered how you were going to create credible, significant conflict in the second act, but it really worked. The sunburn event was perfect. It created a wonderful situation where Henry's overbearing burdensome nature could be pulled to the extreme. I felt like his distancing from Isobelle was wonderfully push-and-pull.
  I think this script has serious marketable potential. It's a tiny budget (except for the british mansion scenes) with really rich characters. You could attract a major star for Henry and Ellen (and Lady Ashford, too).
  I was glad that race was involved, but was not the paramount issue. You might consider intimating that the white husband left because he couldn't handle the ostracism his community laid on him because of his black wife. Perhaps Ellen's not aware of it, but a townsperson or someone tells Henry.
  The police station scene was perfect. Also, the pirate scene.
  The climax was also very fulfilling. I like that you stepped up and put your protagonist in the exact same situations he feared (like the Dragon dropping the cigarette) and Isobelle being near-death.
  I would definitely pay $10 to see this movie. read