Old draft. Please read The Evolution of Captain Awesum.
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Please see production notes. Thanks for reading.
Other Submissions by kepow
Formerly "Something in the Way". Please see production notes. Thanks for reading.
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Reviews of The Evolution of Captain Awesum 10
by bha26 on 05/10/2010So I think I've read this script more times in the past year than I've talked to a lot of my lifelong friends so you know my thoughts on it. But now I get to earn a credit so I guess I owe you another read. And I know of the major change that you plan on making with this one. I really think that'll work wonders. For two reasons. One, it'll take away any logic issues with... So I think I've read this script more times in the past year than I've talked to a lot of my lifelong friends so you know my thoughts on it. But now I get to earn a credit so I guess I owe you another read.
And I know of the major change that you plan on making with this one. I really think that'll work wonders. For two reasons. One, it'll take away any logic issues with Rochelle getting the kids taken away from her and two and most importantly it'll make Matthew more likable. Because that's still my biggest issue with it. As much as we can sympathize with this condition his attitude especially towards Ashley is still a bit troublesome. Not as much so as in previous drafts and you're getting close to nailing his character arc here but by making him a foster child I think will really give a lot more motivation to his discontent.
But the addition of the "note" to Ashley is a great one. Every draft I read of this the changes you make are always for the better so I know that with this future draft you'll probably have this where it needs to be. It's damn close as is.
Now to focus on the changes you plan on making. If I recall you're going to have Matthew and Ashley both be foster kids. Am I remembering that right (i was kind of drunk)? Well, what if only Matthew was and that Ashley is Rochelle and Dean's birth daughter. What if they took him in because they had lost their own son a while back? Maybe the loss of their kid really put a hole in their marriage and really messed up Ashley who missed here brother terribly. Enter Matthew. He's already insecure because he's been getting tossed around from family to family. Not to mention his condition. He has a hard time getting close to anyone because he always gets taken away. And Rochelle has a hard time feeling close to him because she knows how tough it is to lose a child.
I really think if you go this route it would open up a ton of interesting character decisions for both of them. Maybe she was even resistant to taking him in in the first place. Maybe she did it at Dean's behest. Just throwing shit out there but I think if you add these extra layers onto Rochelle and Matthew you'll turn a script which already very good into something that's pretty great.
Okay, as for the ending... I've been fully on board for the tragic ending you have here. I think it's very good and moving. But after having quite a few conversation with people lately I'm beginning to think that I might have given you some bad advice. For pure marketing reasons you may to have him survive. Especially if in your new draft the preceding pages are more tragic than they stand presently. Now only do this if it isn't a cop out. Only do this if you can strike the same emotional chord you have now. But people are going to want to see this end happily. Mainly because we're talking about a kid here. It wasn't until this read that I thought of another movie where they kill the kid in the end - "Pay it Forward." If you haven't seen it sorry for spoiling it but I remember now that when that movie came out it was widely panned by critics and bombed at the box office mainly because of that ending. It was labeled manipulative and cheap. Now it didn't bother me and besides I like your ending better than that one but there are similarities between the two. Both are caused by a bully that up till then probably didn't seem capable of such a heinous act. Both their deaths are used to teach others lessons. And both of them have cameo appearances by Jon Bon Jovi. Okay, that last part might not be true. But maybe check out that movie again if you haven't seen it in a while and read up what the reaction was to it. Just something to keep in mind.
But dude, overall I really like this story. Your ear for dialogue between the children is excellent and will be graded as such. And all the work you've put in on this continue to pay off. Glad to give it another look. read
by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 05/06/2010The Evolution of Captain Awesum is an incredibly well-written script, though a couple of issues hold it back from being all this reader desires. CONCEPT. In a town where high-concept is king, I don’t think this script is going to turn any heads on pitch alone. However, there is strong dramatic material here to work with that could help this story find a home somewhere,... The Evolution of Captain Awesum is an incredibly well-written script, though a couple of issues hold it back from being all this reader desires.
CONCEPT. In a town where high-concept is king, I don’t think this script is going to turn any heads on pitch alone. However, there is strong dramatic material here to work with that could help this story find a home somewhere, or for the script to at least serve as a sufficient writing sample.
STORY. I enjoyed much of the story, but I’ve got to say the closer and closer I got to the end, the more and more I lost touch with the material.
First off, the title suggests something a little more lighthearted that the story we’re presented with. There’s a good deal of psychological drama that is going on, and I feel much like this script is incorrectly labeled as a “children/family” story. That doesn’t mean that children and family stories don’t sometimes have less than happy endings, but in most children/family stories there is this larger sense of frivolity and coming of age, which I didn’t feel was adequately executed in this draft.
It’s a fast read for something that’s 117 pages, that’s for sure. But I feel that much of it was pointing us in the direction of Matthew’s brooding character. If we must have it, I’d like to see it manifest more in ways that a 10 year old might express them. I think the action figure was an attempt at that dynamic, but I feel like there should be some more to it.
I thought Dean and Rochelle’s storyline needed a little additional development and that the parrying between Laura and Rochelle could’ve been handled a little more evenly.
I thought Chuck setting the fire was just too dark…I’d rather see something like he’s set up as a pyromaniac and then while playing with fire he drops a match in a garbage can and it’s not completely extinguished or something…then Matt has the opportunity to save HIM instead of Ashley. He sort of overcomes his dislike for his enemy and saves him. At the end of the day, I understand that may sound cliché or too neat and tidy, but I think it works. Clichés become that way because variations of them work…and I think that would work for this story.
And does Matt have to die? I mean, what a bummer…and everyone seems like they’re just okay with it. Smiling as if all’s well. It sort of makes all the work of the preceding pages null and void. I get that he “did what he was born to do”… but it just wasn’t enough for me. I wanted him to do that and then live to experience life with that feeling of valor and of value, but I’m a sentimental s.o.b.
CHARACTER. As stated, I felt like Matt’s arc was sort of nowhere nearly completed and then BLAM with the bookbag. There were opportunities after he’d promised not to call ASHLEY names anymore that he calls her dumb and whatnot. A little girl would remember that and goad him about it “I thought you said you weren’t gonna call me names anymore!” I’d like to see a little more of that play between the two. Right now Ashley tosses great opportunities at Matt and they sort of just hit him and fall to the ground. I get that he’s depressed and feels worthless, but it’s sort of a drag on the whole script. I think (as mentioned above) using tools to sort of bring him out of his dark place will make him easier to root for and relate to.
I thought ASHLEY was the most authentic voice in the script.
I felt like DEAN and ROCHELLE’s story needed work, I felt a sexual tension in a scene or two from them, but I want to see more of that back and forth and that they both just want what’s good for the family.
LAURA served her purpose as sort of the by the book character who lives in a world that is most assuredly not remedied by the book. And again I thought CHUCK was slightly too dark.
STRUCTURE. I felt like the script took awhile to get going and that the third act went amiss. Much of what is here is good, I just feel like things can be tightened and maximized for optimal effect.
DIALOGUE. Dialogue was sufficient, though at times felt too stodgy and uninspired. Did the lines do their job in the scene? Yes, more often than not they did. But did they create compelling, unique voices that made this story memorable? Often they did not. My first drafts (and often second, third and fourth) has dialogue that I could just do away with and I’m always trying to think of cool and interesting ways to say the same lines per character…are there opportunities for this?
FORMATTING. Excellent, and very few typos. Well done!
OVERALL. While this review may sound largely critical, I would like to stress that the writing here is exceptionally sound. Mechanics and storytelling are pretty strong, a couple of things are just not to my taste and a couple of things I think can be tightened and create a more satisfying story. At the end of the day, this is a good start to a story about a boy who can feel no pain, but must heal a heart that carries all the hurt in the world.
Below are my notes while reading “The Evolution of Captain Awesum”
Pg. 1 – pools’ (pool’s) edge…
I’m a little confused as to the period of time…I thought the No Fear and Atari reference meant we were in the 80’s but there’s a cell phone…I’m sure I’ll figure it out soon enough…
Pg. 21 – fihting (fighting)
Pg. 28 – that’s where you (missing word) stabbed with a knife, remember?
Pg. 52 – First day back from summer…it seems peculiar that the teacher would single Matt out as new…everyone’s “new” the first few days of school.
I feel like the introduction of “Captain Awesome” is a little late for the script, we don’t see that reference until page 55…
Pg. 58 – Deans’ (Dean’s)
Pg. 60 – hospital drama’s (dramas)
Matt’s turn with the backpack seems so sudden…additionally I wonder if there’s something more that can be learned here. Is there something else that can be in the backpack…sort of an “it’s what inside that truly matters”…maybe a family picture of everyone happy or something that can be referenced earlier in the script…I don’t know it’s just an idea.
Pg. 95 – cities’ (city’s)
Pg. 101 – I feel like Rochelle’s line at the end of the scene after Matt’s hands are red is just not quite compelling or strong enough. What if she said something like “I’m glad you’re not like the rest of the kids, because then you wouldn’t be mine.” Something that’s not so ordinary.
You can lose the “I bought you some stuff.” line on page102.
Pg. 102 – mantle (mantel)
by filmwriter karyn on 04/30/2010Overall: Good, maybe verging on great. Could use another polish to help make a stronger emotional impact. Side note here, I read this script originally two years ago on here and liked it back then. I don’t save my old reviews so I’m strictly relying on memory, but I definitely think you made some great improvements. Here are some things you might want to look at: -Your... Overall: Good, maybe verging on great. Could use another polish to help make a stronger emotional impact.
Side note here, I read this script originally two years ago on here and liked it back then. I don’t save my old reviews so I’m strictly relying on memory, but I definitely think you made some great improvements.
Here are some things you might want to look at:
-Your sluglines are bolded. Kinda weird.
-Should be “Look, Mom. I can swim!” and “sits at the pool’s edge” unless they have multiple pools. (p. 1)
-I’m being nit-picky here, but I suggest taking another pass at your action/description blocks to remove any words that aren’t necessary. For example, here’s what I’d edit the paragraph to:
“MATTHEW CORCORAN (9), short hair that reveals scars on his scalp, hobbles to the patio door on crutches, his leg in a cast with “No Fear” scrawled on it.” (p.1)
I cut 4 words and feel like this says the same thing.
-Naked slugline on p. 7, 10, 34, 93.
-Should be “She takes a good, hard look at Ashley.” (p. 7)
-You need two spaces between sentences.
-Should be “I’m asking Santa for the Mama’s Baby doll.” (p. 14)
-Capitalize Mom or Dad whenever the kids say it- it’s their name as far as the kids are concerned. (p. 17, 36, 49, 74, 96, 100, 112)
-Good rule of thumb is to keep dialogue blocks to 4-5 lines. Break the longer ones up with an action, so lazy readers don’t skip over them.
-Matthew’s dialogue block on p. 35 doesn’t feel realistic. I think you can get away with a few of these thoughts since kids are more matter-of-fact than adults, but all of them dropped together in one chunk doesn’t seem authentic.
-I don’t like the Therapist revealing that CPS has taken the kids. That’s a big scene and should be shown. (p. 37)
-The directions on p. 43 (Starts with “At the top of the stairs…”) are somewhat cumbersome. Are these details important to the story?
-Don’t like the way you used the word retarded in Rochelle’s dialogue on p. 60. I’d change that to “mentally challenged” or something similar.
-Take a look at Mr. McArthur’s long dialogue block on p. 62. Cut the “ah…”s from it, they don’t make him sound terribly intelligent. I’d sharpen this up- make him really sound like he knows what he’s doing.
-Dr. Morrison’s rejection of Rochelle’s request doesn’t work for me in its current state. Maybe she asks him to be a reference and he says he’ll be happy to write a statement. She says she needs him as a character witness, and he can respond with what you have now- that he doesn’t feel comfortable because he’s only known her for 2 months. And when she presses him on it, he blows her off and says he’s too busy for any commitment. I’d avoid the line “I’d be risking my license” because it feels forced, and I doubt the validity of it as well.
-No FADE OUT?
-Biggest issue for me is the ages of the kids, specifically Ashley. Trying to have a conversation with my five-year-old niece is insanely hard. She’s all over the place. Practically every sentence starts with one thought but finishes with another, and always revolves around her. She’ll say stuff like “Did you know…that, um, in my preschool we have… My favorite animal is-- baby penguins!” This will be the response I get when I ask her if she’d like mac ‘n cheese or PB&J for lunch. I strongly advise you to make Ashley older. Maybe eight and then make Matthew ten. In the script for Spielberg’s “War of the Worlds” the writer wrote this of Dakota Fanning’s character: “Out steps RACHEL, ten going on thirty.” Basically, even if you increase her age to seven, you’ll need to say something or do something to show that she’s precocious. I can buy that dialogue from a mature seven-year-old, but at five? Doesn’t come off believable.
-Another issue I had was that for a good majority of the script, I didn’t like Rochelle. I think you solved a lot of the issues I had with the first draft in this one, but unfortunately Rochelle lost some of her fire along the way. I think including the scene when CPS announces she’s lost custody would help with this. Also, I’d like to hear her say “I love you” to Matthew once, even if its after he’s headed out the door to school… just to reinforce that point. That everything she does is driven by this love for her kids and family, even though it doesn’t seem like it to Matthew.
-To be honest, the title is just okay. I think I like “Something in the Way” better. The phrase “Captain Awesum” just doesn’t fit stylistically with the piece for me.
-Don’t remember the action figure talking to Matthew in the “Something in the Way” version I read. I like this addition a lot.
-The characters. Very well done.
-Really liked the dialogue between Rochelle and Dean.
I hope my comments are helpful and good luck! read
by xpertcage on 04/30/2010Interesting script. Paced fairly-well. Nice quick read. Clean. Interesting, young UNBREAKABLE adaptation. I liked it. On to a few other things: On page 57, “Ashley rounds the corner.” – way too easy. I’m not loving the Matthew voice-overs. In the end, they felt like a crutch. Here’s the real dilemma… Who the hell are you going to market this too? Too much... Interesting script. Paced fairly-well. Nice quick read. Clean. Interesting, young UNBREAKABLE adaptation.
I liked it.
On to a few other things:
On page 57, “Ashley rounds the corner.” – way too easy.
I’m not loving the Matthew voice-overs. In the end, they felt like a crutch.
Here’s the real dilemma…
Who the hell are you going to market this too? Too much adulthood for children and too much childhood for MOST adults.
I liked it. I like the dark tone. But the thing is, I liked it as a read. Don’t think I’d dig it as a movie. This maybe has a better home, digging deeper, as a novel. Then the voice overs won’t be a crutch, they could be a character, so to speak.
You have a legit problem on your hands with this script. It’s good, but…
I personally have no problems with having a child die in the climax. I wrote a script, nothing similar, but with a young protagonist who took his life in the end. I did this against the best-laid advice. Eventually, I caved and changed the end. I don’t see your ending as the huge problem, but…
It’s the marketing.
Also, what exactly was Matthew’s goal? The protagonist did not have a clear-cut goal. Based on tone, I knew he was going to eat it in the end. But, what were your readers supposed to, well, root for?
A smile for his mom and coming around to show some love for his annoying little sister isn’t what an arch makes. The arch seemed reserved for the parents. And if Matthew’s goal was to get his parents back together, what did he really do to make that happen?
The end didn’t feel like he knew he was going to eat it either. Left with the feeling that he simply couldn’t make it out. In fact, it was out of character that Matthew waied on the lawn and sat back until a convenient line like about Superman (too corny) pops up from the Captain. Didn’t feel like as huge of a sacrifice as it could have been. However, like I said, I knew based on tone that this kid wasn’t making it through this script alive.
Just some things to think about.
Very good stuff for sure.
Good luck. read
by Jay_Stanners on 04/28/2010This is a very good script. "The Evolution of Captain Awesum" falls nicely into a relatively recent trend of stories that strip down the mythology of super heros, into real world circumstance - think Unbreakable, Kick Ass and hell, even Watchmen. It's hard for me to review a story like this, because I find myself so swept up in the story that I generally make very few notes... This is a very good script. "The Evolution of Captain Awesum" falls nicely into a relatively
recent trend of stories that strip down the mythology of super heros, into real world
circumstance - think Unbreakable, Kick Ass and hell, even Watchmen.
It's hard for me to review a story like this, because I find myself so swept up in the story
that I generally make very few notes. What's to criticize? Your prose is professional and lean
with just the right amount of description. Formatting feels bang on. Dialogue reads
naturalistic. Your Characters are distinctive and interesting.
I really found your approach to depicting a child's world to be refreshingly real. This isn't the day-glow, idealistic world of a Disney film...this is a child's world as it REALLY is, complete with imaginary friends using words like "retard" and good parents who some times "lose it" with their kids.
As well I liked that I felt there was a possibility that Rochelle may have in fact been an abusive mother. Whether you intended it to or not, the thought that perhaps Mathew WAS the
ictim of child abuse, who chose to ignore the physical pain while suffering emotional pain did creep into my mind. It didn't turn out that way, but hey, it would have made for an interesting twist.
A couple of scenes I really liked -
pg27 The doctor's office....a creative way to give us a little insight into Mathew's history
with incurring injuries.
pg72. Nice fight scene between Mathew and Chuck...how do you beat a guy who refuses to stay down?
If there's one issue here (for me), I think it's with your ending. I know this isn't a Disney story, but it felt like having Mathew die heroically in a house fire was just too dark for a story like this. I'm not sure the parents (no matter how much time passed) would appear at peace with it as well. If I lost a child in house fire, I'd be an absolute emotional wreck...for a long, long time. I'll give you points for going into an area I didn't expect, but I can almost see the Hollywood execs shaking their heads - " You mean to tell me our protagonist, a young boy, is going to perish in a fire, set by the antagonist, who gets away scott-free?????"
Something to think about, but beyond that, I'd say you've written a really good screenplay, and I'm glad I read it. read
by John Shermer on 04/23/2010Disclaimer…..NONE OF THIS IS PERSONAL. It’s all about the script….not you. Also…all my page references are from the PDF numbering. That said… LOVE the title as long as it matches the story. I wonder why it’s spelled that way. It has to really need it to do it that way. What is up with people using BOLD on the SLUGLINES. Does this happen automatically in some... Disclaimer…..NONE OF THIS IS PERSONAL. It’s all about the script….not you. Also…all my page references are from the PDF numbering.
LOVE the title as long as it matches the story. I wonder why it’s spelled that way. It has to really need it to do it that way.
What is up with people using BOLD on the SLUGLINES. Does this happen automatically in some scriptwriting programs? I’ve heard….NEVER are we suppose to do that.
Ok…is the kid mental….or his imagination about the action figure V.O. That didn’t read…really normally. Sounds like the kid is nuts.
Sounds like a barbaric story so far with smokes being tossed….bully kids…action figures with lines…etc….
PROBLEM Generally kids at parties know each other. All this….”Aren’t you so and so” dosen’t play right. But it could work on screen….just an instant impression.
General stuff….formatting was good. No obvious typos. Dialog not too thick. Good clear action.
Really a touching story. Sad, tragic. Felt like Matthew didn’t have a chance. The title does work. In a way it’s like the movie a few years ago where the two kids have a thing for each other then one drowns….why can’t I remember that movie. But that yours reminded me of another is good.
I’d like to see Matthew really reach out even more to one peer close to him.
I know this next thing might be a big deal for the re-write….but it didn’t work for me to have CPS involved. Or Matthew taken away. Taken him away…..REMOVES….threats. And POTENTIAL threats are what makes drama. Just getting beat up doesn’t create drama….it RESOLVES drama. The sustained tension produced by someone saying….I’m gonna beat your ass…..tomorrow makes you hold your breath until……tomorrow to see if anything happens.
Just a thought. I liked it how you made Matthew a good guy by the end. It is a good story…it could be stronger.
Best of luck.
by strider on 04/18/2010I have to start by saying that I find the title extremely mis-leading. I was expecting a Disney type children's film and not what it was. So my first suggestion would be to change the title to something that reflects the mood and tone of the story which is kind of bleak and sad. I was about 40 pages into the script and I still didn't know what it was about...I kept waiting...
I have to start by saying that I find the title extremely mis-leading. I was expecting a Disney type children's film and not what it was. So my first suggestion would be to change the title to something that reflects the mood and tone of the story which is kind of bleak and sad.
I was about 40 pages into the script and I still didn't know what it was about...I kept waiting for something magical and Disney-ish to happen but it never did...once again going back to the title being mis-leading.
Also I didn't really understand the action figure voice over. Was the boy crazy and imagining it or was the voices real?
To be completely honest, I struggled to keep my interest in this script. It seemed like every 10 pages, Matt and his sister were sitting around and talking about how she wanted to go home. There was too much of that.
As far as formatting goes, you seem to understand how to structure a screenplay properly and I didn't see any errors which is always good.
The concept of the film was original and could be neat. I just felt that the mom and dad going back and forth and trying to get the kids and the foster mom saying no was kind of drawn out.
But with a re-write this could be a good script.
by croonie on 04/13/2010The strongest points are the story and structure. The ending is especially well written and definitely evokes an emotion that I didn't feel during the first two acts. I can clearly see the events that provide fuel for the structure progression, and the story stays fluid. Good job. There are some lengthy parts e.g. the first scene; and I think some diversity in actions and... The strongest points are the story and structure. The ending is especially well written and definitely evokes an emotion that I didn't feel during the first two acts. I can clearly see the events that provide fuel for the structure progression, and the story stays fluid. Good job.
There are some lengthy parts e.g. the first scene; and I think some diversity in actions and dialogue could effectively change that. I felt like the same thing was happening and people were reacting the same way over and over, and that's where my difficulty was; having to read the same situation over and over again.
I am not sure about the strength of the separated parent's relationship. It felt odd, like there was no reason for them to be split up. Ya they have some disagreements, but I don't feel like that was enough to have them split. A line or two could clearly establish a past follie.
The end is great. I feel you really focused and portrayed exactly what you wanted on those last pages. The dialogue is great, the action and screenplay format is great. One scene with the parents joking about pregnancy seems misplaced, but it is understandable their joy. The father's sarcasm is especially offending in this spot.
I feel like the mother is unusually unforgiving of Matthew (maybe Dean left her for this reason) and acts extremely ignorant/invulnerable to losing her kids, especially for having dealt with CPS in the past. read
by rjbelair on 04/07/2010There are some interesting possibilities here, but I don’t feel this story is a movie. For starters, it definitely isn’t a family/children’s film – not even close. This is a heavy, dark, adult drama if anything. The bulk of the story is about children being hurt, getting, punished, and suffering psychological abuse (from adults, the system, and other children). I wouldn’t... There are some interesting possibilities here, but I don’t feel this story is a movie. For starters, it definitely isn’t a family/children’s film – not even close. This is a heavy, dark, adult drama if anything. The bulk of the story is about children being hurt, getting, punished, and suffering psychological abuse (from adults, the system, and other children). I wouldn’t want to subject any young people to this, and I can’t imagine many adults would find it entertaining. On the other hand, “Precious” got a lot of attention – so I guess there is an audience for suffering as amusement. I guess the key is to have an uplifting outcome where the abused rises above it all, but this isn’t really the case for Captain Awesum. It’s a sad story, with a sad ending. The message I walk away with is that life is full of pain and injustice, we hurt the ones we love, and evil will get us in the end. I’m so depressed.
If, in spite of this, you want to forge ahead with this premise, I feel there is some work that needs to be done on the plot. Matt is, presumably, the main character. His goal is to leave home and find where he belongs; his need is to feel loved. He succeeds in his external goal early on, so it becomes a matter of him not wanting to go home. You set up good conflict with Ashley, who wants nothing more than to go home, but you don’t really develop it. Once the kids are in ‘foster’ care, their story becomes very repetitive. Matt gets hurt, Ashley whines about going home, Laura punishes someone, rinse and repeat. To resolve Matt’s story, we need to see him find that place where he feels loved. We almost get this when Sophie tucks him in, but not quite. His final challenge, saving his sister, doesn’t really match up to his goal/need. The ‘final battle’ needs to be better connected to the thematic questions raised in the first act. If Matt’s problem was along the lines of his parents making him responsible for his little sister, and him insisting that she’s not his responsibility, then the rescue challenge would be more appropriate in order to illustrate that he had grown to learn that he loves his little sister and is responsible for her because that’s what it means to be family. With the goal/need you give Matt, his final battle needs to be more about a choice to return home to his imperfect family that is trying to get it together, or go with a new, perfect family that seemingly offers everything he thinks he wants. As it is, the decision to save his sister, isn’t really a choice at all.
You did a good job with the characters, but there is room for some improvement. I’d like to see Sophie and Dean more upset about their kids being taken away. Them treating it like a nice little vacation from being responsible for the kids doesn’t work. Seeing them both go into high-alert and being forced to join forces to get the kids back would be more satisfying. I’d rather the stress of a shared fight bring them together rather than the more casual approach we get now. The one character I feel needs the most work is Laura. She is somewhat inconsistent (accuses Sophie of ‘imprisoning’ her son, but in her house the only punishment is grounding), and she come across as almost purposefully bad at her job in a strained effort to support the plot. Some more groundwork to make Laura’s actions feel justified would help, and a higher level of remorse upon realizing that Matt has suffered more damage under her care in a few days than he would have at home. The setup of her being so stubbornly superior needs to be paid off with some comeuppance.
Even with these adjustments, I still feel that you will have a difficult time finding a target audience for this story, but with a straightened thematic spine and a better focus on rising conflict, this could develop into a more powerful and moving story.
I hope this was helpful. Good luck. read
by edanecki on 04/06/2010The opening of the movie gets us involved with the characters right away which I like. The main character Matthew we get a clear image of from the start. I like the way that we get introduced to every member of the family from the beginning as well the CPS worker. However, the hook of the "bee incident" could be better I think. The story is a pretty good read, but act two... The opening of the movie gets us involved with the characters right away which I like. The main character Matthew we get a clear image of from the start. I like the way that we get introduced to every member of the family from the beginning as well the CPS worker. However, the hook of the "bee incident" could be better I think. The story is a pretty good read, but act two gets a little slower at times. The ending sequence is spot on though, because it keeps the audience excited and watching. I think that there could be a few less scenes with the therapist, and maybe a scene of background instead. read
- Writer: kepow
- Uploaded by: kepow
- Length: 116 pages
- Genre: children/family, drama
- As always, thanks to all of the previous reviewers and for this draft, RJWIII, bha26 and amason especially. Though this script is 116 pages long, I promise you few, if any, spelling/grammatical errors and it reads very fast, so please don't delete it just because of that. Also, despite the Children/Family - Drama genre and the innocent sounding title, this is not at all a sappy story that will have you rolling your eyes. It is actually a fairly dark drama, so be warned.
- Bio: hazard
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