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HOW IT RATES
A blackmail scheme turns ugly when a mysterious janitor gets in the way of three men and their money.
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OLD DRAFT. Read the revised version.
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Reviews of The Janitor (REVISED) 31
by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 06/21/2010Lucio, an immigrant, an illegal one I gather, would do anything to build a better life for his family -- a noble premise for a movie. The opening sequence made me sick. I think you did a great job to pull me into the story. As the story unfolded it gave me less and less noble cause for your protag's action. I didn't really know who Lucio was. I knew he was poor, had a violent... Lucio, an immigrant, an illegal one I gather, would do anything to build a better life for his family -- a noble premise for a movie. The opening sequence made me sick. I think you did a great job to pull me into the story. As the story unfolded it gave me less and less noble cause for your protag's action. I didn't really know who Lucio was. I knew he was poor, had a violent past, became a religious man, loved his family, all painted in broad strokes via dialogs with different characters through out. And he displayed extraordinary skills that would make professional criminals blush.
I think my biggest problem was Lucio's motivation. I knew he did it for money, but that made him a criminal as well. How much did he know about the blackmail money? If you set him up in slightly different angle, it might work better for me. Let him be a truly hardworking immigrant with an American dream, who stumbles across the crime first, like how I did with the opening sequence. Maybe you meant to be that way, but I didn't get that from the script. I didn't see Lucio's rage about the crime from the beginning. All he did was after the money from the get go. I suppose money could be a great motivator, but it was too easy. There are something about second chances that would make the audience root for your character, and I think you didn't give it to Lucio. Morality seems to be his biggest trait, but the way you depicted him turned him into a somewhat hypocrite. And then his skills with fighting and handling guns were pretty unbelievable. Sometimes extraordinary circumstances produce extraordinary strengths, but we're talking about skills here. Skills that requires years of training, like military special force or something. If you want to go for this then give him a bit of the military background from his native country.
I think you have a pretty powerful story here, just the way you build it lacks some logics for me. I would imagine a more personal take on the nature of the crime would force Lucio's eyes off his American dream for his family second time around. I gather from his past he wouldn't want a quick and dirty way to achieve his dream for his family, unless something really affects him personally and profoundly.
You had a very quick way to write action lines. Your dialogs were uneven. The bad guys were funny, but they babbled at times. The exchanges between Gustavo and Jorge were unrealistic and went on and on for 4 pages, and accomplished very little. I liked the time I spent between father and son. Wondering what David would think about his dad at the end. His wife reaction to his injury was so indifferent I think you underdeveloped her character.
These are my thoughts, and this is only one opinion. Thanks for the read. Good luck on the rewrite, if there is any. read
by moejoe_dreams on 06/17/2010This will probably be one of my shortest reviews I’ve ever done… and that is a good thing. I really don’t have to much to say as your script was pretty sound in almost every area… the pacing was good, it flowed well, and the structure stayed pretty true. All in all this was a well written script. Now one gripe I have, well not even a a problem really because it does work,... This will probably be one of my shortest reviews I’ve ever done… and that is a good thing. I really don’t have to much to say as your script was pretty sound in almost every area… the pacing was good, it flowed well, and the structure stayed pretty true. All in all this was a well written script.
Now one gripe I have, well not even a a problem really because it does work, but it also may end up hurting you is that this script was very-very simple and only semi-original, there wasn’t much to it, the elements weren’t overly dramatic, so it was pretty cut and dry as far as your story goes… there was no hidden agendas, no twists, or no surprise endings. You wrote a story at face value and it turned out be a fairly entertaining read. Maybe it didn’t’ have all the bells and whistles but it works.
My only concerns through the entire script is maybe you should have given us some insight into lucio’s past, who was he? How did he learn how to fight and shoot? How did he learn and know how to do any of those things he did. Also I wish you would have given us more of his family, show his wife working, or show his son getting beat up and hanging with the bad kids… there was a lot of deposition and expulsion to push the story, but sometime people want to see it more then hear about it, after all it is a movie. And my last and only issue was the heavy dialogue that Ronnie and Gustavo had… a lot of it was unneeded and didn’t add or progress the story… at midpoint you’ve established the characters as is and it works so the heavy speeches given time and time again just slowed the story and took you away from the great “tone” you’ve developed… this type of story and the way you write works best with less dialogue… you paint the story so well that it doesn’t need that “pulp fiction” dialogue thrown at every turn.
So I guess my only strong suggestion is to give us some more background for both Lucio and his family, and limit some of the excess dialogue and maybe… maybe add an element of surprise to up the ante on the blockbuster power ( a twist, a turn, something to make it a bit more colorful) . Other then that, job well done, and best of luck. read
by AJHosak on 06/16/2010Let's start with format: - Don’t use “The man’s name is” when introducing characters. Be brief. Sam (42), Joshua(10), etc. - You can’t write what we can’t put on screen. i.e. “The Father is a nervous wreck.” Use active verbs. The father’s eyes dart around the room. Sweat forms on his forehead. This shows us he is nervous. Capitalize sounds not made by actors. Too many... Let's start with format:
- Don’t use “The man’s name is” when introducing characters. Be brief. Sam (42), Joshua(10), etc.
- You can’t write what we can’t put on screen. i.e. “The Father is a nervous wreck.” Use active verbs. The father’s eyes dart around the room. Sweat forms on his forehead. This shows us he is nervous.
Capitalize sounds not made by actors.
Too many long blocks of dialogue with no action. Talk less, show more.
Forget the word “beat.” The actors will find their rhythm. Right now it stops the scene dead in its tracks.
As for content:
-The henchman seem homogenized. Give them each their own characteristics and way of talking. Make each one stand out. The strippers, drugs and alcohol...it's been donw. try something different. Maybe one of them loves kittens. Another cross dresses. Give them individuality.
-Perhaps you shouldn’t reveal Lucio’s office bug early on. It gives away too much. Also, why would Lucio be bugging the office in the first place? Did he suspect something? It comes out of nowhere.
Dialogue is too on the nose. Jorge says “Bribe me?” How about he just puts his hand out.
The story lacks the structure of a 3-act screenplay.
All the characters lack redeeming qualities. I didn’t really care about what happened to any of them. The protagonist is a thief and a murderer. The antagonists are the same.
Finding Lucio is much too easy. Lucio’s revenge is much too easy. No one seems to have any obstacles to getting what they want.
Finally, I found the end morally bad. It says here son, live off money that I killed for. It says money is more important than a father being in his son's life.
Also, tt never addresses the father that let his son be sexually abused. While I wanted to care about someone in this story, I didn’t feel much for any of them. read
by monimata on 06/14/2010Some thoughts in no particular order: 1. I wanted to know more about Lucio's background. It's implied that he's had some military training, maybe been in some wars but I wanted to know how he came be married with a family, how did he become a janitor? How did he know Ronnie & the guys were planning a blackmail? Was he always tapping the phones? Show his progression from janitor... Some thoughts in no particular order:
1. I wanted to know more about Lucio's background. It's implied that he's had some military training, maybe been in some wars but I wanted to know how he came be married with a family, how did he become a janitor? How did he know Ronnie & the guys were planning a blackmail? Was he always tapping the phones? Show his progression from janitor to taking action to make a better life for his family.
2. The bad guys are mere caricatures, one-dimensional, which is fine, but giving them the amount of script time that you have, there's no twist in who these characters are. Nothing is given about what their motives are in blackmailing their boss, other than their boss is a scumbag. You tried something with the Aaron character, as if he was somehow redeemable when Lucio let him live at his house. But then he gets killed off in the hotel scene (which was a wierd non-sequiter with Aaron watching the sex tape), which implies that Aaron is a scumbag in the same vein as Ronnie or we're led to believe that Lucio has turned into a ruthless killing machine.
3. There was no tension in the events leading up to Lucio getting ahold of the money. I wanted something more intricate than Lucio driving faster than Ronnie to the parked Lincoln (or whatever car it was)in an abandoned parking lot. To be quite honest, the setup was a little lame. And if you're going to blackmail your boss, would you give your personal cell phone (as Ronnie did) as the number that the person you're blackmailing could reach you?
4. The motive for Lucio approaching Sammy at the end was confusing. He already had the money. Aaron, Ronnie and Gus were all dead. No one knew he made off with the cash. What was the point in making contact with Sammy?
I felt the concept had the makings of a tightly coiled drama/thriller but the characters, dialogue, action scenes, action setups need to be more innovative, more tense, more at stake. read
by jayelveejr on 06/02/2010There is always something interesting about creating a character who we think is one way but turns out to be completely different. The central premise of having a janitor actually be something else altogether is a good concept for a crime film. This has a really good spine as far as a story is concerned. Early on, I really liked scenes of Lucio listening in on all these conversations... There is always something interesting about creating a character who we think is one way but turns out to be completely different. The central premise of having a janitor actually be something else altogether is a good concept for a crime film. This has a really good spine as far as a story is concerned. Early on, I really liked scenes of Lucio listening in on all these conversations as he worked. This is a clever way to disguise a character. Who would ever suspect a janitor to be this devious and clever to actually get away with what he wants to do here? Not to imply that anyone who is a janitor is not clever but it's certainly different for a film character. Especially when Lucio turns out to really be a janitor and not some cop or detective in disguise. Now that same thing though kind of is a flaw in this tale. I always got the sense that Lucio was either a military guy, black ops type or from some type of law enforcement, ex CIA or FBI or something like that. Yes, perhaps that is too cliche but he certainly turns into Commando action guy with a brutal streak in him. I think this is where your story is a bit displaced for me. I almost wanted or needed a bit of info, even tiny, to let me know that he had this kind of background. And nowhere do we get one. Some of the things Lucio does here really feels like it's a bit much unless he had some kind of military background. Just because you're using a type of stock character, a janitor, to be something else doesn't dismiss some of the logic of the story. It does bring up a question and one that could easily be dismissed by a line or two. Why not have him be a guy who went through the military? Or maybe the police academy? We can find out quickly, through a visual or a spoken line, that he has some sort of background that would warrant him turning into the Terminator.
Another thing that I think hurts this is that Lucio's driving factor is a noble one, to not only help out his family but especially to present a good life and future for his son. To give him money and the opportunity to do something in his life. This is a noble idea except ... while Lucio tells his son fatherly advice like don't mess around with friends who peddle drugs, go to school, be good and make something of yourself in life ... he then goes out and is capping guys left and right with exploding eyeballs and brutal murders. In fact, at the end when he goes to see Sammy the pedophile, he's turned into a vigilante assassin except that he doesn't do it our of revenge but out of some moral value. And, really, this was the one time where he didn't play it smart, walked in to a sure trap but did it as a sacrifice. I had a hard time buying that from him. Plus, if we analyze, what did he leave his son? A legacy? Lots of money for the future? Yes, but also he just leaves him a house, a gift from dad. I wondered how something like that would really empower his son to a good life when what Lucio really did is hand his family a nice new house without really deserving it. I understand his gift and he wants his family to be the best but wouldn't a better lesson is to work hard, save and provide for your family the right way? By him committing these unspeakable crimes does in fact kind of negate all the good he's trying to accomplish. Maybe that's your point but he comes across as a guy who wants to steal this money, give it to his family but yet the way to do it is by stealing it from some bad guys. He even says at one point that God would not be mad if he stole money but it came from bad men. Seems to me that kind of thinking is what criminals like to say. It's almost like you have a decent character in Lucio but every time he tries to talk the good talk, he takes a step back because here he is telling his son to be one way and yet, he's a criminal himself. There is something interesting there but it also brings up an unusual conflict of character and it was really hard to root for him at times.
I wonder if it would be better if he was taking revenge instead? Something feels off her and can't pinpoint it, maybe it's this dual personality of Lucio of good father/great criminal and these two opposing forces are kind of fighting with each other. Not sure.
Also, couple things that bothered me, the bad guys here, if you can call them that are kind of not very smart. They make it so easy for Lucio to dance around them and ultimately get them. Some of the dialogue scenes between them play off like you were just treading water. I would take another pass and look at some scenes that are a bit long with characters talking andt talking about things that don't really add anything. Some of the violence is well written but some felt over the top gruesome. I'll admit, I like some gore now and then but when Brahms' eye popped out even I went, whoa!
Because the bad guys are kind of dumb, things seem to be very easy for Lucio. Because of this, I never felt much conflict of him getting away with anything. Each time there was a fight or shoot-out, I knew he would be fine so it loses tension and conflict and suspense because I knew Lucio would overtake them. If we analyze, the only reason he dies is because he gives himself up, sacrifices himself as he says for his son. So even at the end, he's not beaten but does it on purpose. Again, I like the whole janitor concept but some things just kind of raised some flags for me.
Overall, it's not bad but I still think it needs some tweaks, missing something. I like Lucio a bit but his ideals are kind of messed up. As I stated earlier, kind of a conflicted man, tells his son to stay out of trouble while he goes around like Rambo but justifies everything because it's for his family. I think if you clean it up a bit or maybe show something these guys did to him in the past, then I could buy it more as a revenge tale but this central idea, while not bad, needs some work. Sorry I can't come up with any good ideas but it did pop into my head. I would also add a conflict or two during his adventure, maybe have a scene where something goes wrong for him and we have some suspense instead of him just mowing over these guys like nothing.
From a presentation, your action lines were good, crisp, taut and no wasted words. I would maybe lose some of your "ing" words when describing action, you seemed to have quite a few ... make them present tense.
I kept seeing other examples that you could probably clean up and make them present tense. Also, some of the dialogue needs work. A bit of it seems excessive where you have two characters talking and they keep talking for no reason just eating up pages when you could have easily have them finish a conversation with two lines. I think this is Tarantino's influence on writers where they tend to go off a path away from the point. As an example, look at the scene when Gustavo goes to see Jorge and ask about Lucio on page 41. Gustavo gets mad because Jorge is not giving him some info so Gustavo goes off on his tangent of the homeless guy asking him for a quarter. Although the story he tells is not bad, it resembles "movie" dialogue too much. He's in a hurry and wants to find him so he would be acting in a no nonsense way, to get the info and fast and not have time for a cutesy tale about his philosophy of hand outs. The one thing about Tarantino's speeches is that they kind of make sense and stay true to the scene even while his characters jump off in another direction. This felt that way to me but ... I could be way off too. I think if you cut out some of the talk that is not needed though, your script might end up being 80 pages though so not sure.
So overall, while I enjoyed certain aspects here like the action, Lucio's determination to win and some good shoot-outs, I still think it needs some work. Especially in defining Lucio's character motivations a bit better than just do as I say but not as I kill kind of mentality. Hard to root for him here because it's not a revenge tale where someone did something wrong to him and he wants them to pay. Here it's more of something I heard and I can take it. Maybe play up that angle better and give him a background of military or police training so we understand why he's a killing machine. I think with a few tweaks, this has the makings of being a servicable action tale.
Take all this as just one opinion and keep at it. Best of luck. read
by kshama7 on 06/01/2010The janitor It s good story written with a good pace- a mix quite necessary for action movies. But i think that there is scope for improvement in the story as well as the characters. Suggestions: The story starts off well, keeping the interests high during the read. But after Lucio steals the money, it slips a few notches as far as story is concerned. The fact that Aaron,... The janitor
It s good story written with a good pace- a mix quite necessary for action movies.
But i think that there is scope for improvement in the story as well as the characters.
The story starts off well, keeping the interests high during the read. But after Lucio steals the money, it slips a few notches as far as story is concerned.
The fact that Aaron, Gus and Ronnie are blackmailing is fine. But they do not have a compelling reason or any sense of urgency. If they had to pay up a money shark, it would mean that they HAD to do what it takes to get the money back from Lucio.
In the current story, after Lucio kills Yager, the three could have backed down without anything stopping them. They weren't as deep in shit then.
Another way to deal with this could be by making Sammy more formidable. Even though he's paid up, if he claims to track the blackmailer and hunt them, would mean that Gus and company would need the money to elope. Thus adding an element of risk for them
As a protagonist, Lucio is too good and too powerful to interest me. Right from the minute he steals the money, he has no weak side. There is no risks towards him or his family. Although Gus, Ronnie talk about killing Lucio's family, no steps were taken. All throughout, the three kidnappers seem amateur and fail to be intimidating.
To make Lucio's victory more strong, the enemy needs to be bigger. Neither Sammy nor Gus and company are shown dangerous enough.
The fact that Lucio decides to go after Sammy and the father of the molested kid, shows change of heart. If that was a point in Lucio's character development, then it needs to be made prominent. Lucio initially talks about gaining stability for his family and giving them a better life. So what makes him suddenly want to go after the bad guys abandoning his dream? He was always religious in a way but even earlier he waited till he got the ransom money and did not confront Sammy immediately after he heard on the tapped phone about his "sexual choices". So what made him change his mind? The scene in the park where he talks to his wife about settling his conscience isn't impact-full enough.
As a protagonist Lucio needs to be tweaked, for sure.
The plot in general is good, and the action moves at a good pace. I think you can do more with Aaron as a character. That character has a lot of potential which isn't explored. Maybe after Lucio doesn't kill him in front of his daughter and after him watching the tape, maybe Aaron will react in a more suicidal manner. I don't know how it can be changed but there is potential there for sure.
I liked the way the bed time story is used to highlight Lucio's actions. I liked the part "the knight became the king"
Maybe you can try adding another element in the story itself that mentions the duties of the new King towards his kingdom are over his own life- emphasizing Lucio's actions against Sammy.
I think with another draft, this could be really good. I hope this is helpful. read
by Asu03 on 05/31/2010I don’t have a lot to say. This is a solid contained thriller. I love the concept and I think you executed your final act in an effective manner. The read was a breeze and extremely entertaining as I finished this in one sitting. While I like this story, there is always room for improvement. Here are some suggestions: Let the tension linger longer in the story. The... I don’t have a lot to say. This is a solid contained thriller. I love the concept and I think you executed your final act in an effective manner. The read was a breeze and extremely entertaining as I finished this in one sitting. While I like this story, there is always room for improvement.
Here are some suggestions:
Let the tension linger longer in the story. The true conflict of the story is between Aaron, Gustavo, Ronnie and Lucio. The money is the object and Lucio has the upper hand. The third act confrontation should take place between these characters and not Sammy. Prior to the shootout have the story become a cat and mouse game between the principal characters. Sammy’s story still needs a resolution but you can resolve that with the video going viral online or sent to the authorities.
Who is Lucio? I like the mystery but throw the reader a bone and show how this guy is a tough son of a gun. Reveal some of his past mistakes. If possible, try and tie in his sordid past with his purpose of taking the money. It could be an effective set-up and payoff.
I really liked this screenplay; I just think you need to expand on your characters and their intentions. This could use another 10-12 pages. With your writing style, the extra pages will not hinder the reading experience. Thanks for the read! read
by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 05/30/2010Review of the Janitor For me, there were parts and moments that I enjoyed, but on the whole I think the script needs work. The one thing that came through to me was an inconsistent tone. One moment there’s some slapstick humor, then a heartwarming scene with a father and son, then a fun action heist piece, then a retort like “You’re bullshit” and then gory gore. For me... Review of the Janitor
For me, there were parts and moments that I enjoyed, but on the whole I think the script needs work.
The one thing that came through to me was an inconsistent tone. One moment there’s some slapstick humor, then a heartwarming scene with a father and son, then a fun action heist piece, then a retort like “You’re bullshit” and then gory gore. For me this strikes me as some sort of identity crisis. What do you want this script to be? Do you want it to be a few guys out of their element blackmailing their boss, but getting caught (more slapstick). Do you want it to be about a hardworking janitor who is caught up in a situation to provide a better life for his family?
The latter is definitely the stronger story and I suggest you go with it. Now for me I think a more compelling story is if this happens accidentally as opposed to being a undercover super NAVY seal. The decision to make Lucio capable, prepared, pulling the strings, elements a great deal of the possible conflict AND hurts his likability. Ultimately you likely wanted the end to be Lucio being a total badass, but I think you can get the best of both worlds.
My suggestion. Lucio falls into this by chance. He’s faced with conflict of whether do keep the money or not and he has people after him. Perhaps he’s on a work release for a violent crime and trying to get back into his family’s life. While heartwarming, I felt that the family scenes were absent of conflict.
This puts him in the crux of a decision…do it for his family, but if his wife finds out he can lose her. If he doesn’t do it, his family is stuck in the same life they are in and he fears his son might become like him.
Overall this is a minor change, but I think it results in major payoff and much of the ideas of the screenplay remain in tact.
The trio of side characters didn’t really do it for me. I was never compelled and was bored in most of their scenes. I’m not sure why you spent 5 pages with them in the first act talking about women. We get that they are scummy. We need to get to Lucio, who while the main character, I never really felt a connection to.
There are two major structural issues for me. Lucio doesn’t even steal the money until page 33. This is far too late for me. I’d trim this up to page 25 at least and it is accomplished by cutting out the pointless sequence with the three guys.
Ultimately I’d try to make it the inciting incident. This script MUST start faster. It can maintain the pace of an actioner, but with the heart of the family conflict. For me that’s a clear tone. If you stick with that it’s a movie I want to see.
Now ultimately you can’t just trim, you have to add because the script is still a short, quick read. The family conflict and personal conflict is what I want to see here. I’d make his wife more of an adversarial character. He’s trying hard to win her heart back. The heartbeat of the script is this relationship and he and his son. (Who shouldn’t be perfect) A smart, smart kid, who is becoming affected by his environment.
There is potential here, I noticed that this script was a top 10 script. Don’t let that praise cloud your view is and what it can be. It’s not a couple dustings away from being ready to go, it will be a couple in depth revisions. Best of luck to you, there is something here. read
by gordonkris on 05/21/2010There are formatting issues in this script. You include TITLE and CUT TOs. There’s a lot of passive description. Some typos. Your slugs are strange. But I must say, the story really rocked. You jumped right in and the story flowed well, propelled by great dialogue. You’ve captured the characters well. Jorge is a good example. I really liked what he said to Lucio – very...
There are formatting issues in this script. You include TITLE and CUT TOs. There’s a lot of passive description. Some typos. Your slugs are strange. But I must say, the story really rocked. You jumped right in and the story flowed well, propelled by great dialogue. You’ve captured the characters well. Jorge is a good example. I really liked what he said to Lucio – very off-the-cuff and casual – but it added a lot to the Lucio’s introductory scene. And throughout- it sounded very natural. Lucio’s a great protagonist. You set him up well. I like that he kills the rat with no emotion, then shows his sweet side when he dances with his baby in his arms. His scenes in the first act with David are excellent. Again, great dialogue between father and son. I can’t think of a character that wasn’t well-done. Sammy was interesting as the perved heavy. Strangely detached and reasonable for a pedophile, you resisted the urge to make him a caricature. IMO, this script shows a lot of talent.
P11 – how does the audience know that Jorge is his boss – be more visual – you can’t just state things to the reader
P13 – If should be if
P18 – hey, I paid to see some chach! – your dialogue is great
P30 – nice chase scene too
P38 – Mexican
P41 – Gustave’s rant on the homeless here is hilarious
P43 – planning his revenge – express this in a visual way – clenching his fist, seething and punching the wall, whatever
P50 – how ‘bout STRAW HAT MAN – it’s shorter
P51 – now the cut to jumped over to the right side
P55 - stomping
P64 – Nacho is a cool addition – I like how your characters constantly contradict one another
P71 – I don’t really like the use of “beats” either – but what the hell, your story is engaging, one of the better ones I’ve read here
P78 – BlAM – fix you typos
P87 – no metal detector?
P90 – Samy-Sammy/your-you’re
Very nice script! I really enjoyed it. The only things that annoyed me at all were the constant use of CUT TO and the unexplained CAPS on some of the action. I’m not sure how much page length with be lost after deleting the CUTS, but you should before you submit this anywhere – seeing them always made me aware I was reading a script, and impossible to get fully absorbed into. If you fixed every formatting problem you’d have a clean, fast script that could be produced for pittance if you get it into the right hands read
by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 05/20/2010You start with a child in peril. That engages the audience. Then you ask us to take everytning at face value, but you've left out more than you've put in. There's no backstory, and very little exposition. We meet three blackmailers, but only one of them appears to have been involved in setting it up. Why is Aaron invited into the "gang?" He gets $3.3 million for doing... You start with a child in peril. That engages the audience. Then you ask us to take everytning at face value, but you've left out more than you've put in.
There's no backstory, and very little exposition. We meet three blackmailers, but only one of them appears to have been involved in setting it up. Why is Aaron invited into the "gang?" He gets $3.3 million for doing nothing.
The same is true of Gustavo. Ronnie set it up. Ronnie makes the demand of Sammy. The other two are there just to get killed by Lucio.
The blackmail scheme is lame. There's no art to it. How can Sammy not know that Ronnie is the blackmailer?
How did Ronnie pull it off? Apparently he contacted Sammy and gave him his office phone number. Even if Sammy didn't recognize the number immediately, he would have found out quickly whose number it was.
The cash payment is highly implausible, not just because every cash tranasaction above $10,000 has to be reported to the feds. Why not a wire transfer to an off-shore bank account?
The car in the Rose Bowl parking lot would be a trap. You would expect to be attacked if you went near it. Then, if you got the money, what would you do with the cash?
Then there's Lucio, a janitor with the skills of a Navy Seal. He's got no backstory, so we have no idea what a man with such talents is doing working as a janitor in the first place, or why his family lives in the barrio of east LA
Okay. He just is. But what puts him on to the blackmail scheme? Does he just tap every phone? It doesn't look like it.
The good news is that you've got a lot of room to develop these points, because you can either eliminate or shorten a number of the scenes in your screenplay.
Some of the content appears to have been included just to get you past the 90 page mark. For example, you should delete the entire interlude between your blackmailers and their "women," which runs from page 15 through page 20. It adds nothing to the theme or plot, and we already know these are bad guys.
You have your blackmailers spend four pages talking about Lucio to convey a half page worth of information.
When did Lucio take the license plates off his car?
How did Lucio manage all the gas cans? Movie magic.
Lucio's controntation with Sammy is out of character for him. Why did he want to die? He loves his wife and kids, and he's made a fortune.
Are we supposed to think he did something for his family?
In your opening scene, you tell us that the "other man" is the father. Neither Sammy nor the boy acknowledges he's the father. For all we know, he could have kidnapped the boy and brought him to Sammy.
The opening scene was shot with a hidden camera. You describe the persons moving around the room in a way that they might go in and out of camera range. You need to make sure they stay within the range of the lens.
There's a number of punctuation errors involving missing commas and apostrophes. For example, on page 4, Ronnie says to Gustavo and Ronnie: "Sammy, our boss is a fucking pedophile." The audience will hear Ronnie addressing one of them as "Sammy."
Many of your sluglines do not conform to the "rules," but I know that a lot of writers on TS think that those rules do not apply to them. read
- Writer: Alfonso Guerrero
- Uploaded by: whoisguerrero
- Length: 94 pages
- Genre: action, crime, drama
- To anyone who read my first submission, this draft has minor changes that hopefully add a lot to the overall feel and clarity of the piece. If you haven't read the first submission, then I hope you enjoy this one.
- Bio: Screenwriter, Filmmaker, Photographer, Father, Aspiring Underwear Model, Tough Guy
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