Reviews of The Last Week of Summer 16

• 
  Looking Both Ways
  A review of The Last Week of Summer
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 09/26/2012
  The major theme behind The Last Week of Summer is love, a boy and a girls love for each other, then the death of that girl in a car accident. Sam seems like a modern in love teenager, his girlfriend Angela is just as modern, while headed for a date Sam gets in a car accident which Angela is killed. Though reading the script you see how hurt Sam was, the reader actually probably... The major theme behind The Last Week of Summer is love, a boy and a girls love for each other, then the death of that girl in a car accident. Sam seems like a modern in love teenager, his girlfriend Angela is just as modern, while headed for a date Sam gets in a car accident which Angela is killed. Though reading the script you see how hurt Sam was, the reader actually probably felt no sadness at all, I think you should have spent more time fleshing out the characters of Sam and Angela in the beginning before the crash, so we could feel closer to them, that way when the car accident happened, we understood more Sam's pain, and then understood more of why he was feeling so sad to have to let her go. The plot and story was very original, and even though I'm usually not a fan of these types of stories I was interested to see how it would all pan out in the end. I think the weak points game from the dialogue and character development, some of the dialogue is TOO over the top mushy, no relationship is that happy, and Sam and Angela were not very fleshed out, and the other character basically had no real personalities or differences, they were just there merely to keep the story going along. These problems did not make it a bad read or uninteresting, it just made you not particularly care about the fate of these characters because they weren't relatable. Also when Jen and Jade hit Sam and subsequentially kill him with their car it would have been nice to have them feel a little guilt towards this. Overall I think this script could be great, the idea is fresh and new and the ending I thought was very well done, maybe a little sappy, but hey people like that. read
• 
  Truly, Madly, Deeply a Blithe Spirit
  A review of The Last Week of Summer
  by jayelveejr on 11/23/2011
  This was a script written by a romantic at heart and although I think the script still needs some work, it certainly has its heart in the right place and doesn't stray off from the central theme. I found it to be a very deep read for me because it brought up so many feelings and thoughts about death. I have to admit, at one point I felt sad because Angela had died and there... This was a script written by a romantic at heart and although I think the script still needs some work, it certainly has its heart in the right place and doesn't stray off from the central theme. I found it to be a very deep read for me because it brought up so many feelings and thoughts about death. I have to admit, at one point I felt sad because Angela had died and there is something sad about a lost soul who is in between this world and that other one. Part of the reason why this was an emotional read for me is because I just lost my best friend last week and I'm still in a very dark place. I've had lots of thoughts lately about our mortality. In many ways I kept thinking how lucky Sam was that he could see Angela again but somehow, even though you label this as part comedy, I felt very sad for him because eventually he would have to accept the fact that she will eventually not be there. Perhaps this is also another underlying layer here of finally letting go of a loved one.
  
  Now, since this is a story that's been done many times before, in order for it to work in my estimation is to have two good solid lead characters or to have some fresh scenes because this type of tale is a bit by the book, the person, female or male can see the ghost but others can't and sometimes people think they're crazy because they see them talking to no one. You only play that off a bit here but I think when you do, it's one of the best scenes in the entire script - I mean the scene of Sam making out with Angela at the theater and the woman who watches him air tongue as he kisses her. That was a very funny and good visual scene. I almost wish you would have had a bit more of loose and zany comedy. At times, the weight of death and the fact that Angela doesn't know kind of took me out of the romance a bit, in other words, it kind of became a bit sad instead of a more upbeat type of tale which may not be what you're after anyway so perhaps I'm just rambling.
  
  I liked Sam and thought he was the best character here. Angela is not as developed as he is but that's to be expected since she is the ghost here. I found the rest of the characters to be so so and just filler mostly ... from his mother to the two best friends to even the Pastor who Sam talks to at Angela's funeral. They kind of get lost in the background and I almost feel you missed a golden opportunity with some of them to have a bit more inspired scenes, either more comedic or with more of a bite.
  
  Now, here is what I liked about this script. I like that it is an emotional journey about a deep romance that goes on even after she dies -- it is a very romantic tale and I think because of that it might get higher ratings from females than from guys. I also found it to be a very quick read for the most part. I do feel you get bogged down a bit in the middle with scenes that seem to go on for quite a while but still, it was a fast read. You also did a pretty good job on your descriptions and even though at times maybe a bit wordy, they still worked fine. So there were some good moments here from the movie scene I mentioned to even the later scenes which take place in the theater. I really liked it that Sam takes Angela to the theater to finally reveal the big secret. And I thought Sam's eventual letting her go at the theater was a very tender moment even though I kind of had a small problem with her departing at this precise time.
  
  I think this has good possibilities for even being the type of film my wife seems to love on those chickie channels like Lifetime so from that angle, this script and idea does have some legs. Overall, a decent read from a guy who likes things to blow up and although some problems, this was for the most part a more enjoyable read than I originally thought so hats off.
  
  Now for the sake of criticism I'll briefly give you my thoughts on things that didn't work for me.
  
  First, I think you may want to tweak down the car crash from the beginning. I understand it's meant to be shocking but for such romantic fantasy tale it comes on a bit strong to me. One good thing -- you not only set up the premise right off the bat, the story when she dies takes hold within the first ten pages and that's great. One thing that needs work and this is always a problem for me in this type of tale is that at first Sam reacts a bit strangely when he sees Angela. For some reason, it came across as sort of mundane. I was looking for more of a wtf type of reaction from him. Same for the scenes right away with Jen and Jade. It almost seems like it should be more of a bigger reaction. I can only imagine seeing a loved one appear to us and I think it's played too low key. Also, take a look at the scene when Sam goes to see Jen and Jade to reveal that Angela is with him. It's way too long and could be condensed. You have pages and pages of dialogue when really ... all he should do is tell them, you're not going to believe me anyway and he should just open the door to reveal Angela. That is the heart of the scene anyway but you take too long to get there.
  
  I don't want to be too picky because this is a fantasy after all but I always find it convenient how Angela doesn't realize that she is dead. And the whole thing about them faking the parents giving her permission to go off is a bit off to me. Plus, not sure that I buy that. She comes back to him and they decide they should just go on and Sam decides to spend one final week with her before the reveal, etc. If one thinks about it too much, it starts to break down a bit. Why didn't Angela realize that she's dead sooner? Why don't other folks look at him funny when they see him talking to air our in the street? I also think you may have one montage too many in the middle that kind of halted the forward momentum a bit.
  
  I almost feel you need some more conflict here like maybe Sam thinks he's going nuts and Angela keeps appearing to him or something with a bit more bite. I know it's a romantic tale at heart but I liked the cinema scene so much that I would have loved more. Even add some conflict. Maybe he acts so weird around her that she wonders why. For example, everything is laid out too easily. Like the scene where that girl wants to sit next to him on the ride but he refuses and she basically tells him that she likes him and he brushes her off. There is no conflict there because it's just a girl getting interested in him for no reason. And Angela doesn't even react in a way so I would add conflict by having her get jealous or something. Instead it just plays out and nothing develops. I found this mid-section to be the most troublesome because it's just montage after montage of them together. Either bring up the comedy or the drama because there is really no conflict. It just leads up to the eventual breaking it off. At times, this did feel like a TV movie because I kept thinking of certain spots that would lend themselves to commercial breaks. I think you need to add conflict and quicken up the pace towards the end.
  
  I also find it strange that Angela only starts fading from him after he tells her that she is dead. I think it happens in the theater when he tells her and she says something like... I did feel strange but she only says this after he tells her. Maybe bring that up in earlier scenes where she tells him that something is not right or maybe he only sees part of her as she starts to fade away or something? The pastor scene at the funeral is another time when the pastor should have a bigger reaction like this guy's nuts or something else. Instead he offers words of wisdom and we go on and I wondered why the pastor even needed to be there.
  
  And even the scene at the end when Sam takes Angela and they're missing and Jade and Jen go after them. I believe at one point Jen or Jade says I'll bet he took her to the high school. I thought, wow, they should be good detectives because it comes so easy to them. Again, I think you missed a good opportunity for conflict at times. I don't mean to state you should re-write the whole thing but I do think it needs a touch of dilemma at times. Everything plays out too nicely. Drama is conflict and come to think of it, so is comedy so a little bit of conflict goes a long way and I think it would really improve this script even more. Just my opinion of course.
  
  I'm not completely enamored of what happens to Sam at the end. It feels a bit too contrived or just too much. I almost feel he should go on living the life that Angela would want him to live but this ending is a tad too melodramatic and felt off to me. But again, maybe only me and with my current state of mind. I suppose I was looking for a more upbeat ending and instead we get something that felt a bit tacked on. I wonder if this might read better if Sam actually survives and lives on?
  
  I did like the last scene at the high school with Metamorphoses. That was a nice touch and although sad, it ends with a nice coda.
  
  So overall, while I think this still needs some tweaks, I certainly appreciate how you stuck to your central theme and the story's message of love conquers all is a nice one. This is not really my cup of tea as far as genres but I did enjoy it more than I thought I would. Perhaps this will really win over the females. I'm not your target audience anyway so the fact that it held my interest throughout and was a fast read speaks to your writing skills. I also do think if it doesn't make it to the big screen, this would work nicely on cable or even a TV made film so that gives you more chances to get it made. Overall, nice job.
  
  Keep up the writing and I wish you the best of luck. read
• 
  review
  A review of The Last Week of Summer
  by Russell Corey on 11/17/2011
  As I read this script, I wasn’t sure where it was going. Was it going to be a tragedy or a comedy. I never saw Over Her Dead Body starring Eva Longoria and neither did a lot of people, because I think scripts dealing with death and comedy have a hard balancing act. It was hard for me to enjoy the lighter moments of this script because of the death of a young girl is just so... As I read this script, I wasn’t sure where it was going. Was it going to be a tragedy or a comedy. I never saw Over Her Dead Body starring Eva Longoria and neither did a lot of people, because I think scripts dealing with death and comedy have a hard balancing act. It was hard for me to enjoy the lighter moments of this script because of the death of a young girl is just so tragic.
  
  There was something about this story that kept me reading. I wanted to know how and when Angela would be told she died.
  
  
  I think the story works better as a drama or scary movie. The lighter moments didn’t work for me, but the scenes at the end when Sam is going to kill himself, that held real drama for me.
  
  It was very sad for me at the end when Sam died. Did it work for the story? Maybe. But it was such a downer. I watched the movie One Day a few months ago. In that story the female character in the love story is suddenly killed in a car accident. It is so stunning and out of place that it just ruins the movie for me. More importantly, it makes me never want to watch it again. Maybe some people like those tragedies, but I’m not one. I think having one of your characters die and the other going on to live their lives gives the viewer hope. Having them both die, is just a bummer.
  
  I did care about these characters. They were all likeable and compelling. So good job there.
  
  On a layout note. I’d break up your paragraphs. Only use 3 to 4 lines at one time. Otherwise readers will just start to scan through them.
  
  In summary, I’m not the intended audience for this type of movie. I see it directed at teen girls. That said, I’m not sure I have the best advice. However I’d say lose the comic ghost stuff and focus on the drama of what is the best way to tell someone they are dead. Maybe that could even be revealed to Angela earlier in the script and she then has time go through more emotions about whether or not she wants Sam to die as well. Maybe she is scared of moving on, but learns that she must go and Sam must live.
  
  To me that was more interesting than a ghost eating popcorn. read
• 
  Cute story. But it reads like a novel.
  A review of The Last Week of Summer
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 11/16/2011
  Things aren't gong to be good when the first thing I see is: "we see." Go through your script and eliminate "we see," it's obvious that we're writing for the screen; show us your story with vivid, concise, action description. Screenwriting should be as terse and brief as possible while conveying images clearly. The reason new screenwriters tend to get too wordy is their attempt... Things aren't gong to be good when the first thing I see is: "we see." Go through your script and eliminate "we see," it's obvious that we're writing for the screen; show us your story with vivid, concise, action description.
  
  Screenwriting should be as terse and brief as possible while conveying images clearly. The reason new screenwriters tend to get too wordy is their attempt to write properly structured sentences. While grammar and spelling are important - sentence fragments are your total BFF. Don’t worry about what your English teacher would think, this is a totally different medium, and the best screenwriting often uses fragmented sentences to convey images and keep the pace of a quickly moving story.
  
  Here you have:
  
  "The first thing we see is the eerie glow of lit swimming pool water in an otherwise dark night. We PAN over the surface until we find ANGELA floating over the water, her cell phone to her ear. She lies on the diving board, resting almost a foot above the surface."
  
  Cut your camera direction too.
  
  "Dark night. The eerie glow of a lit swimming pool. ANGELA (17), lies on the diving board. Cell phone to her ear."
  
  "She draws circles in the water with her fingers." That action is concise and it's also revealing emotion - character. Love.
  
  Your dialogue on page one and two is stilted. Would Angela really be telling Sam something that he would already know? "This is our last summer, do you realize that next year we'll be seniors?" Who talks like that? That is an example of forced exposition. This set up dialogue would be more interesting if Angela and Sam were in a lovers spat. Use subtext. Use oblique dialogue.
  
  Angela "Are we just gonna ride in silence?"
  
  Sam "Silence?' Nope, no silence. My favorite song is on the radio."
  
  Angela "Song sucks." It's played to death."
  
  Sam "It's the hottest thing."
  
  Angela "Yeah, like eyeing Jade last night."
  
  Sam "I wasn't eyein' Jade."
  
  Can you see the difference? Now the reader / audience assumes there was a party last night without talking about "the party." There is conflict. It's revealing character. Moving the story forward. It's more natural. Not forced exposition.
  
  Forced:
  
  Kim "Did your boss Bob give you the night off so we can go to the prom?"
  
  Bill "Yes. Is your father Ben okay with it?"
  
  This is Bad:
  
  "All of a sudden, Angela tumbles headfirst into the water, clothes and all."
  
  How do you film, "all of a sudden?" All the audience would see is Angela splashing into the pool.
  
  How does one start pulling someone to the car? You grab him and tug him to the car. How do you film "starts tugging him?" I think you're reading too many novels - read screenplays.
  
  SHOW don't TELL your story.
  
  "Angela glares, upset and hurt."
  
  Again - all we can film is...
  
  Angela glares.
  
  Use a comma when a character addresses another: "Hey, Sam." not "Hey Sam."
  
  Cut your un-filmable asides: "All of a sudden, Angela tumbles head first into the water." How does the audience watch: "All of a sudden?" Also, go through your script and cut (is) and (are) throughout, they are qualifiers for (ing) ending verbs making your writing past tense. This is past tense: "His free hand is holding Angela's." Unlike novels, scripts are written in the present tense, active voice: He holds
  
  Angela's hand.
  
  Your structure is very good, the theme is stated early in the read, your catalyst moment on page ten. Nice pacing. Page 15: Sam, "You sure you don't see anything else." Funny. I am enjoying your snappy dialogue.
  
  Page 9: your FADE OUT: and quick FADE IN: is unnecessary - cut all your direction (unless you plan to shoot this) leave all that to your future director. A modern Hollywood reader wants a fast read.
  
  Page 10: "He sits back to get a good look at her, drinking her in." Drinking her in? I know we all have our own voice but that action word is too much. It's jumping off the page "look how clever." Taking her in... maybe - just a thought.
  
  Page 15: how would and actor act this out - "She starts for his bed." How does one start to walk to the bed? Better: She turns to his bed. Or steps to...
  
  The movie theatre scene with Sam and Angela is clever and was fun to read. I could see Sam going through all the motions - well done. Followed by Sam's mother telling him about the Angela's upcoming funeral. Nice dialogue - it moved the story forward.
  
  Okay, here we go with "starts to" again. Let's have some fun with it. "He takes the money and starts to leave. He stops in the doorway." He takes the money and walks away. He stops in the doorway.
  
  Page 58 slug line: EXT. ELSEWHERE ON THE GROUNDS - just insert LATER to indicate that we're still at the cemetery (but a little time is past).
  
  The writing in your action description on page 62 (ARBORETUM) is a bit too novelistic.
  
  New screenwriters, especially those who have studied creative writing or literature, tend to get too verbose and wordy in the scripts in an attempt to use proper grammar and the flowery language favored in novel writing.
  
  Screenwriting should be as terse and concise as possible using vivid words to convey images. One of the reasons screenwriters get overly wordy is in their attempt to write properly structured sentences. Grammar and spelling are important, but sentence fragments are your BFF in screenwriting. To hell with what your English teacher would say about your screenwriting, this is a totally different craft, and the best screenwriting often uses incomplete sentences to quickly convey images, and keep the pace of a quickly moving story.
  
  From "Adaptation:" Charlie Kaufman
  
  "Tony glowers, gets out of the truck, watches the vehicles through binoculars. Nothing. He straightens his cap. Mosquitoes land on his neck, his nose, his lips."
  
  "The Indians ignore him. They trudge. Laroche spots something else, a dull green root wrapped around a tree. He stops, circles the tree. His eyes widen in reverent awe."
  
  Notice how Charlie Kaufman doesn't use (and). You can't film (and). He only writes what we're seeing on the screen. I'm not suggesting that you should not use any conjunctions but consider breaking up some of your sentences into fragments. It gives the reader a break.
  
  Modern screenplays are written in what is called the Master Scene format, in which the writer focuses on the minimal action needed to tell the story and does not include details with set, costume, and camera direction. (These details will be attended to by the director and members of his production team).
  
  Back to my notes:
  
  Excellent line from Sam on page 65.... 'angel.'
  
  Nice structure: page 80. Sam tells Angela.
  
  Stakes are raised on page 84. Sam's life is in jeopardy - nice work.
  
  Cute little story -
  
  Cut all of your action paragraphs to 3 lines or less - screenplays are not meant to be read like a novel (the public will never read a script) screenplays are a blue print for a movie. That's it.
  
  Best of luck with this. read
• 
  A ghostly love story
  A review of The Last Week of Summer
  by latent-28 on 11/14/2011
  A ghostly love story, well written. A neat twist on 'Sixth Sense' - the ghost doesn't know they are a ghost, but here the boyfriend has to keep his dead girlfriend from discovering her ghostly reality for a week. And on that week the described dates the couple have are cute and romantic (the colorful locations described well). But you describe the script as Romance/Comedy/Drama,... A ghostly love story, well written. A neat twist on 'Sixth Sense' - the ghost doesn't know they are a ghost, but here the boyfriend has to keep his dead girlfriend from discovering her ghostly reality for a week.
  
  And on that week the described dates the couple have are cute and romantic (the colorful locations described well). But you describe the script as Romance/Comedy/Drama, and so for me (and for a potential audience) more comedy and drama is needed. Yes the last 10 pages are dramatic but that's just ten minutes of screentime.
  
  Some specifics:
  
  I think you need to give surnames for Angela & Sam at the start (you have them at the very end), and some physical description (on his first appearance we get description of Sam's car but not him). Also descriptions for all secondary characters i.e. Jade and Jen are decribed, but not Sam's Mother & Brother, who don't even have first names.
  
  There is a lot of unnecessary shooting direction ('we see', 'shaky camera', FADE IN/OUT's, POV e.t.c) and also a lot of subjective feelings that go against the standard for spec scripts. Rather than saying 'memories fill his empty eyes' (for Sam) you could have a brief flashback of Angela.
  
  Page 14: don't need the line 'just as Sam requested', we get that from the dialogue.
  
  I was wondering throughout if Sam can feel Angela when he touches/kisses her, then on page 82 he tells Angela that he can 'almost feel'. Maybe this should be expalined earlier.
  
  You use the phrase 'Sam's Mother's car' a few times and it is a bit jarring.
  
  Jen's line: 'currently sustaining the damage of lo(o)sing her' doesn't sound natural for a teen girl.
  
  I think the Park Montage is too wordy.
  
  Corections:
  
  Page 10: (O.C.) should be (O.S.)
  
  Page 29: 'an angry sigh'
  
  There is originality and much potential here, but I think you need to ramp up the stakes and/or comical situations.
  
  All the best.
  read
• 
  With some work, there could be something pretty great here.
  A review of The Last Week of Summer
  by J. O'Hanley on 11/12/2011
  So these are a few thoughts from the point of view of a guy who has a deep down soft spot for romantic stories. Like, I'll openly be like "Bwah, why is this crappy romantic subplot intruding on this otherwise fine adventure/sci-fi story?" while secretly actually kinda liking it. So that's the perspective I can hopefully bring to "Last Week of Summer…" someone who likes this... So these are a few thoughts from the point of view of a guy who has a deep down soft spot for romantic stories. Like, I'll openly be like "Bwah, why is this crappy romantic subplot intruding on this otherwise fine adventure/sci-fi story?" while secretly actually kinda liking it. So that's the perspective I can hopefully bring to "Last Week of Summer…" someone who likes this kind of story in spite of himself.
  
  Billing this as a comedy is a bit of a mislead. With the exception of some second act hijinks at the theatre and the carnival, this is a story that is just deeply soaked in pathos and poignancy. All of that just naturally came forward despite what were, in my eyes, some pretty steep pacing problems.
  
  The inciting incident… the car crash… happens almost immediately. Usually I'm fully in favour of this with any given screenplay, but I found it to be a detriment here. I want to know what Angela and especially Sam are like before this happened, what their lives were like, outside their relationship and within. With his girlfriend dead and then returning under mysterious circumstances right off the top, everything Sam does and says revolves around that… and understandably so. But what else did he or does he have going on in his life to make us care about him?
  
  A lot of the writing felt prosaic and overwritten. Doubtless you've received other reviews warning you off of directing from the page… camera moves and what have you. But there are also some scenes that read as long and repetitive. Best example I can think of is the scene beginning on Page 19 when Sam goes to talk to Jade, and they have to wait for Jen to arrive before they can begin talking about anything meaningful. The characters aren't really distinct enough to warrant individual introductions, so it just kind of feels like the plot has stalled. It might be worthwhile to examine every scene carefully, every line, every bit of dialogue, and ask if they can be a lot briefer while retaining the same amount of impact.
  
  So, that all said, if you were to do some serious streamlining, you might wind up with something that's 60-70 pages. All the more room for some more early character building. And it might be more beneficial to put even more light hearted sequences in the second act. There are some moments that, thanks to the inescapably sombre nature of the story, feel more contrived than they should. Like the decision to keep Angela unaware that she's dead and idea that she could be allowed to stay at her boyfriends place for an entire week. If the tone was more flippant, the audience would probably skate over these moments more willingly. Then maybe, as the realization of the situation gradually sinks in with Sam, the tone could gradually transition to the more dramatic third act. A lot of that was what worked best for me… the questions about death, and what it means to still be in love after death, and how to carry on without that person, that all really spoke to me.
  
  And then the ending, which was my biggest problem with "Last Week of Summer." Angela makes a very compelling case as for why Sam should live on. That's the ending I wanted to see, Sam accepting that the loss of Angela would be a part of him, then coming out the other side and going on to live his life. I didn't want to see him make that decision… and then die in an unlikely accident one page later. This could all be personal preference (like everything else in this review, which you can take or leave). All I know is that if your intention was to reunite them in death without making Sam the kind of character who gives up on life, I think there must be a better way.
  
  I really hope I don't come off as discouraging. On the contrary, I think there's a lot of potential here, it might just take some more work. Best of luck! read
• 
  "The Last Week of Summer" Review
  A review of The Last Week of Summer
  by Jeff H on 11/12/2011
  A few notes as I read: The first thing I notice is that it seems like you’re trying to direct the film on the page too much (I’m guilty of this myself sometimes). Despite that, I really like some of the imagery you’re describing (i.e. when Angela falls into the pool on page 2). On page 4, during the car crash, you don’t need the line: “Shaky camera work creates stress... A few notes as I read:
  
  The first thing I notice is that it seems like you’re trying to direct the film on the page too much (I’m guilty of this myself sometimes). Despite that, I really like some of the imagery you’re describing (i.e. when Angela falls into the pool on page 2).
  
  On page 4, during the car crash, you don’t need the line: “Shaky camera work creates stress and makes it hard to see exactly what's going on.” The reader will already understand that the scene will be chaotic.
  
  One page 9, you don’t need the “V.O.” for when Sam is turned away from the camera.
  
  So far, I find that your action/description lines are too long. In general, I would try and keep those paragraphs to four lines at the most.
  
  On page 10, your first paragraph includes the line “Memories fill his empty eyes, and heartbreak dawns over his features.” This is an unnecessary line. How do you show memories filling his empty eyes? If you take that line out, the scene description still makes perfect sense.
  
  Again on page 20, too much scene description for Jade’s bedroom: “Jade's room is white-walled but has a blue feel to it.” You’re the writer not the set designer. The rest of the description for Jade’s room is acceptable because it tells us something about her character: “There are posters for school plays on the wall and costume designs are spread out all over the bed.” But describing the color of her walls lends nothing to the story.
  
  Page 21, your description of Jen: “her hair is cropped short and spiky, possibly with highlights, shocking colors or natural.” It sounds like you don’t know what her hair looks like. I don’t understand why you’re deliberately vague here.
  
  In regards to Jen and Jade: might I suggest changing one of their names. It’s a little thing, but I feel like it might help the reader if those characters didn’t have names that kind of look similar. As I was reading the scene in Jade’s bedroom, I was slowed down by having to remember who was who. You describe their looks as being the opposite of each other, and I think it might help the reader if their names reflected that.
  
  On page 38, why does Sam tell Angela that something bad is going to happen? Given the circumstances, it seems like he should just play it cool.
  
  One pages 65 and 66, there a couple of lines that are incorrectly formatted. When Angela falls into the water, you have what should be two slug lines followed by action lines that are currently formatted as character and dialog lines.
  
  Also on page 66, you should probably add a “LATER” to your “ELSEWHERE IN THE ARBOURITUM” slug line.
  
  Page 68: Sam has a little brother? Why haven’t we seen him before? Do you this character? What does he add to the story?
  
  Overall, I found your screenplay very sweet and touching. That being said, I can’t exactly say it was my cup of tea. I’ve never seen one of the “Twilight” films, but I can only imagine that that is the kind of audience you’re writing for.
  
  As far as your two main characters, I found them to be very likable. However, I feel like we didn’t get to know them very much before the accident. We see one scene with Angela on the phone with Sam, and then in the next scene he’s picking her up for their ill-fated date. I feel like you could do a lot more in your first Act in terms of setting up your main characters and why we should care about them. The same can be said for your supporting characters, Jade and Jen. I thought it was kind of weird to meet these two only after Angela dies. My advice would be to spend a little more time in Act 1 giving us a better understanding of who all these people are and what their relationships are like. That way, Angela’s death and her friend’s reactions to it will have that much more meaning for the audience.
  
  I also felt like you could’ve used a little more conflict in the story. Obviously, Sam is very conflicted internally, not only from dealing with the death of Angela, but also with trying to figure out how he’s going to break the bad news to her. But beyond that, it seems like there could be a few more obstacles placed in front of Sam. For instance, by letting people see Angela, you completely missed an opportunity to make Sam seem like he might actually be crazy. You kind of set this up a little in the hospital scene, and I thought that’s where you might be going with the story, but that wasn’t the case. Why not just keep everyone guessing as to whether or not Angela was ever there in the first place? You can still have Jen and Jade be supportive of Sam when he tells them that he sees her, but having them be a little doubtful adds a little more suspense for the audience. Are we really seeing her ghost, or are we only seeing Sam’s delusion. Is she really there, or is Sam just nuts? (kind of like the movie “Harvey” with James Stewart)
  
  Well that’s my two cents. I hope you find this critique a little helpful. Please let me know if you have any questions or if you want me to clarify any of the points I have made. Good luck,
  
  JH
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  read
• 
  Review of 'The Last Week of Summer'
  A review of The Last Week of Summer
  by Asconch on 01/22/2011
  Well, right off the bat there were mistakes with your Scene Heading. I wasn't aware it was even night till I got a couple lines in. It should read like this: EXT. ANGELA'S BACKYARD - NIGHT It's important to set up the reader with a proper description of your location, that includes DAY, NIGHT, AFTERNOON, MORNING, CONTINUOUS , whatever it might be. Also, try to steer clear... Well, right off the bat there were mistakes with your Scene Heading. I wasn't aware it was even night till I got a couple lines in.
  
  It should read like this:
  
  EXT. ANGELA'S BACKYARD - NIGHT
  
  It's important to set up the reader with a proper description of your location, that includes DAY, NIGHT, AFTERNOON, MORNING, CONTINUOUS , whatever it might be.
  
  Also, try to steer clear of using things like "we see" I know I'm guilty of it at times but, for instance, this section:
  "The first thing we see is the eerie glow of lit swimming pool water in an otherwise dark night. We PAN over the surface until we find ANGELA floating over the water, her cell phone to her ear. She lies on the diving board, resting almost a foot above the surface."
  ---------------
  
  Rather, make it as simple as:
  
  The swimming pool in the backyard is lit, casting an eerie glow.
  
  ANGELA lies on the diving board with her cell phone to her ear.
  
  ---------------
  I know I always try to break down everything I write as much as I can. It helps it read better, and gives you more room to write!
  
  It was tough for me to get into a steady flow while I was reading your screenplay. You get a very wordy with your action lines, it becomes draining at times. If you went back and revised it I bet you'd cut back about 10 pages.
  
  I didn't really know how to feel when Angela's ghost first made her appearance. Nothing up to that point had any humor in it, then the reader is struck with her tragic death, followed by this kind of goofy ghost with a "Legally Blonde" like attitude. I'm assuming you wanted the scene to be humorous, and I know she's supposed to be oblivious to the fact that she is dead, but the moment was just plain awkward.
  
  On. Pg.36 When you have Angela on the phone talking to Jen? Jade? Sam? I don't know which, I was so confused, how are they able to hear Angela over the phone? You didn't really explain how that would work out. Also, Angela doesn't know her own parents voice? Her attitude just seems a bit too ditsy and naive.
  
  Things towards the end get a bit too mushy for me, I know it's personal preference, but. I love you! I love you too! I love you! I love you too!.... We all know how much they love each other at that point, I think it was overkill.
  
  It seems like you've put a lot of time in this, and your idea is there, but I think you just need to find the real feel of what the story should be. The drama, romance and comedy need to be blended in a more cohesive way.
  
  Best,
  
  -Cody read
• 
  The Last Week of Summer
  A review of The Last Week of Summer
  by GMORA! on 01/19/2011
  THE LAST WEEK OF SUMMER By Rachel Sykora Essentially, The Last Week of Summer, is a sort of retelling of Romeo and Juliet: A love story. Sam and Angela are the star-crossed lovers. Innocently enough the couple set out on a lunch date to celebrate that last week of summer (and encroaching old age, Angela jokes) when suddenly they are involved in an auto accident. Sam, the... THE LAST WEEK OF SUMMER
  By Rachel Sykora
  
  Essentially, The Last Week of Summer, is a sort of retelling of Romeo and Juliet: A love story. Sam and Angela are the star-crossed lovers. Innocently enough the couple set out on a lunch date to celebrate that last week of summer (and encroaching old age, Angela jokes) when suddenly they are involved in an auto accident. Sam, the driver, manages to escape relatively unharmed, but alas, his girlfriend dies in the crash. Or maybe, she dies. Sam will live with the guilt of having been the driver.
  After being discharged from the hospital in his mother’s care (it was she who broke the news to Sam of Angela’s death), Sam, to his amazement, finds Angela standing in his room alive and well. He can feel her, talk to her, even kiss her, but it turns out that no one else can. No one. This condition turns out to be the driving narrative of the plot. There is no subplot that I can detect so it makes this piece a sort of one-note pony.
  To test his own sanity Sam takes Angela over to see their mutual friend, Jade. He leaves Angela in the car while he goes in to speak to Jade and to Jen (who drops in at the same time). They, not surprisingly, think Sam has lost his mind. So he brings Angela into the house but from Jade and Jens POV they see Sam standing before them alone. But wait! When Sam is touching Angela and Jade and Jen at the same time, they can both see her too! Sam takes Angela, who is quite obliging, outside again so he can go in and discuss the situation with Jade and Jen. The motives of any of these actions are unclear. Both of his friends agree that he should explain to Angela immediately that she is no longer in the world of the living. But Sam cannot bring himself to do this because he wants Angela to enjoy the last week before she must return to school (or to return to the rest of the departed?) Why the viewers are never given so much as a scintilla about the mysteries of death and what it’s like to experience it remains an enigma. Nevertheless, Jade and Jen agree to do anything they can to help Sam make Angela’s semi-life as enjoyable as possible for the next week.
  The story unfolds in a series of montages establishing over again that Angela is truly invisible to every one but Sam: Trips to the Zoo, an amusement park, lying on the grass enjoying each other’s company, the movies—where an astonished woman in the audience watches Sam kiss the thin air—remember she cannot see Angela.
  Finally the first day of school arrives and Sam and Angela, hand in hand, walk into the building together. Sam asks permission to show her a special place. He takes her into the school theatre and then up a ladder backstage that takes them to a small platform high above the stage. Here, he tells her that, well, she is dead. To prove it he asks her to hold his hand. She is stunned when she can’t feel his hand—which is odd since she has been enjoying eating popcorn, stroking his hair, jumping into a shallow pond up to this point.
  Sam proposes that he leap from the platform so that he can join her in the afterlife. Angela begs him not to so that his living could bear witness to their love. They struggle for a moment and then…
  Meanwhile Jade and Jen are rushing about trying to find Sam and stop him from ending his own life. They ultimately run into their own accident (which is pivotal to the ending so I won’t disclose it here).
  The final scene is a Greek Chorus of students (a scene that is not germane in any way to the flow and style of the story) extolling the virtues of true love. read
• 
  Review of The Last Week Of Summer
  A review of The Last Week of Summer
  by red_shadow on 01/18/2011
  Congratulations on completing your script. I thought I would do something different in this review. I decided to write my initial thoughts prior to reading it based on the synopsis. Here are my initial thoughts upon receiving your screenplay as a submission. I have not read anything except your synopsis. Immediately I am thinking of Just Like Heaven with Mark Ruffalo and... Congratulations on completing your script. I thought I would do something different in this review. I decided to write my initial thoughts prior to reading it based on the synopsis.
  
  Here are my initial thoughts upon receiving your screenplay as a submission.
  
  I have not read anything except your synopsis. Immediately I am thinking of Just Like Heaven with Mark Ruffalo and Reese Witherspoon which was fun for a chick flick. The idea sounds like it has been done before. No dramas I like a good comedy, now lets see what you can do different to separate between your story and others.
  
  Ok so that is what I wrote upon receiving it. As I started to read the first thing that comes to mind is your use of direction. Everything I read about screen writing is to never include any direction or camera angles etc. They come later. No doubt others will mention this. I must admit they do distract from the flow of the story but I believe if they are needed then use them. In this case you could have made the same scene without them.
  
  After the first 10 pages I was thinking for a comedy the death on Angela is pretty full on. Is this a comedy? I figured it was romance all the way, with Angela and Sam lovey dovey from the start. But it was very intense death scene. Comedies rarely show gruesome death scenes usually just a smash and we get the picture or back at the hospital we get the news. So if you’re really going for a comedy I would tone it down a bit. Maybe even make the death more comical, more accidental.
  
  So after her death Sam is upset naturally. By the time he meets Angela we have only met those two and his mum. In fact we only first see his brother at the funeral if I am mistaken. Nevertheless only the two main people are introduced before she reappears throwing a spanner into the life of your lead guy. I really think you need to introduce everyone first, Jen and Jade especially since they are his best friends.
  
  When he does meet his dead girlfriend he takes it pretty cool, I mean he is a little surprised and shocked but gets over it really quickly. I think you need to go with the classic surprised scenarios where he is scared and she is confused more. Again is you are going for the comedy. If it is strictly romantic then you really need to focus on how bad his life is without her so he really has something to lose when he gets her back.
  
  Your scenes are way too long and there is a lot of dialogue within them that is unnecessary. When you really break it down, there is the initial car scene, sams bedroom, Jen and Jade place, the montage and the school. A lot happens within them over several pages in one scene. The scene where Jen and Jade are first meeting Angela and Sam is explaining things is way too long and also again everyone is too accepting. Even Angela does not question why everyone is ignoring her.
  
  Being able to see Angela when people touch Sam is a new idea that I thought you were going to run with. I was thinking (again for a comedy) that part of the dilemma will be Sam having to touch people in order for them to see and speak to Angela. Now that could have some comic moments. Him running back and forth. The scene in the movie theater works and that could tie in with the touch and see aspect. It did work in the scary ride with the other girl.
  
  One of the biggest problems is Sams motivation. I had no feeling for him as I could not relate. I know I don’t have a lost one beside me as a ghost but he was kinda flawless and just full of love. There was nothing pressing nothing to push him forward. As far as he knew she could have stayed beside him forever. Referring back to Just Like Heaven the lead male has to wake her up before they pull the plug. So after the comedy moments he is now under pressure to convince people she is not dead. The character has some drive some reason to go forward. Sam needs that other than love. Basically it is his only emotion. My suggestion is somehow they figure out they have a week before she is buried once she is buried she will disappear. Something that makes the three Sam Jen and Jade push forward. But that is just a suggestion and would change your ending.
  
  In regards to your ending I think Angela accepted she was dead very easily. Suddenly she is ready to jump in order to save him. Why did he not jump with her anyway? If he was that intend on doing it that would have been more of a reason. Him dying really reinforced to me that this is not a comedy. The only way for that to work in a comedy is if they ended up as ghosts together or something similar where you don’t feel bad they died.
  
  I think as a comedy you have a concept that could work and there are a few moments where it does. If you were aiming at a comedy you probably need to tone the romance side down heaps and focus on the situations they will end up in. Make them go to school where he has to take her in her classes etc. The romance can still exist but only needed in small doses.
  
  For a romance totally story you will need to really develop the characters. Sam needs his flaws and he needs to grow. He needs to give up something more than his life for Angela because that is easy. He gets to be with her. Angela will need to come to terms with her death and no future etc. It can be a real chick flick but characters will be everything if you go down that path.
  
  Good luck with it. Remember this is just my opinions, if other reviewers see it differently then I am just one potential audience member. read