Reviews of The Mine 10

• 
  A Truly Original Story
  A review of The Mine
  by Cyrus13 on 07/07/2011
  I liked this script. The concept was excellent, the formatting was of a high quality and clearly a great deal of research had been done to provide all those interesting little details on which an historical story rests. However I have a number of reservations. The actual concept is poorly explained. You say that these mines were intended to end the war. But that is historically... I liked this script. The concept was excellent, the formatting was of a high quality and clearly a great deal of research had been done to provide all those interesting little details on which an historical story rests.
  
  However I have a number of reservations. The actual concept is poorly explained. You say that these mines were intended to end the war. But that is historically untrue as Messines was only a prequel to Third Ypres. Furthermore it isn't even true in your script because whilst the mines help the British seize the Messines Ridge, they don't win the war for them. Why not just ignore the war-winning stuff and say that the mines are intended to help the British take the ridge with minimal casualties?
  
  I felt that there were perhaps too many very short scenes, especially detailing events in the trenches that don't concern our characters. For instance there are some six lines on a British working party. Why? If you want to explain how the war was fought, which would be a good reason to include these scenes, then why not use your characters who are new to the war, Ewan and David, to ask questions? Then you can explain to them and the audience.
  
  The lack of long scenes also cripples the tension. There is only really one scene full of tension, where they are trapped underground by the German trench raiders, which is astonishing considering the opportunities presented by a script about First World War mining. Have you seen the French film RIFFIFI? It is a heist flick famous for having a thirty minute burglary scene made entirely without dialogue or music. The plan to plant mines strongly reminded me of a heist film. Without long scenes it is difficult to build tension and the long scenes can be kept interesting providing plenty occurs during them.
  
  There is something of a problem with the protagonist. Namely, who is he? I presume it is meant to be Jack but if so he doesn't get nearly enough screen time. There are simply too many characters in this, which takes up too much space, which prevents you from developing the characters as fully as you might. This makes it hard to remember who was who and robs the deaths of character of emotion (I felt nothing when Anderson died because we barely knew him).
  
  This is also true of the scenes with Haig, Plumer and Lloyd-George. I understand the desire for context but this went beyond that. I couldn't help but feel they had only been included to attack Haig. I'm thinking especially of the scene on P62. Cutting this character assassination would allow you more time to develop your central characters. I imagine it was this that led to you trying to tell Jack's story through numerous flashbacks and voice over, which felt very awkward. Best to just have the one flashback and to skip voice over as much as possible.
  
  I also thought there was an excess of swearing. The swear words didn't feel very necessary and if you are trying to sell this screenplay then be aware that they would probably end up being dropped anyway to keep the rating down.
  
  I have a number of small issues, which I have put below in a list with page numbers in order to make it easier for you. I should warn you that I have studies this period and indeed have written a very similar screenplay for a docu-drama on British TV (which was one of the reasons I read this) so some of the issues are quite anal.
  
  
  P2 "A carnage unfolds" should presumably be "Carnage unfolds"
  
  P3 The man versus machine gun attack felt very stereotypical. Why not try something new by having Anderson attack the MG using platoon tactics. His Lewis Gun adn Rifle-Grenade sections pins down the Germans whilst the Bayonet and Bomber sections go in for the kill. I don't think anyone has ever shown that on screen.
  
  P5 A British infantryman pulls a leech off himself. Surely you are mean that he is pulling lice off?
  
  P6 Are the casualty figures of 37,312 accurate?
  
  P8 The Ypres Salient was not the key to winning the war and I don't think anyone ever felt it was. I don't see why you need to say this. Why not just say the real reason for its importance, namely that a British break-out could threaten the U-Boat bases at Zeebrugge and Ostend, which were savaging British shipping.
  
  P10 They would be conscripted not drafted.
  
  P17 Why would suffragists) be offended by pro-war/violence talk? Surely you mean pacifist? The suffragettes were as pro-war as the rest of society.
  
  P26 What is the point of the muddy road sequence? Wouldn't someone try to help the drowning man? A whole lorry of guys drowning in the mud seems a bit much considering how rare drowning in mud was (and it usually happened in the front lines). Why not just cut straight to the office and have them mention it rather than waste screen time?
  
  P31 I think you need to explain clay kicking or the audience won't understand why it is such a big deal.
  
  P34 A revolver doesn't fire clips.
  
  P37 Mueller's dialogue sounds pretty weird here. It's hard to work out if he's talking to the English or to the Lieutenant
  
  P39 "Mooks" - isn't that an American word from the 1920's?
  
  P47 The whole Christmas Day thing is overdone and sounds melodramatic. In truth after 1914 everyone fought on Christmas Day. If they held back it was only to save themselves from retaliation and casualties rather than out of love.
  
  P52 Ewan and David "stand" in the collapsed tunnel. Surely not? They should be at least bent down.
  
  P59 You need to explain how a camouflet works in detail or non-expert will get a little confused. An explanation will also seed dread in the audience every time they see a camouflet, in the same way as the explanation of getting shot in THREE KINGS did.
  
  P70 MacCullough's suicide is melodramatic and doesn't make sense. He didn't seem to be that close. And what about his kid?
  
  P74 Sir Edward Grey would be Sir Edward, not Sir Grey
  
  P78 "The fuck I am" sounds wrong for the period. Why not "Like Hell I am"?
  
  P82 You can't cock a rifle. You can flick off the safety catch though.
  
  P84 Why doesn't Mueller shoot Jack?
  
  P93 Mine rescuers don't wear gas masks, they wear Proto packs.
  
  P100 I could be wrong but I believe Plumer was a Protestant. As such he would have a cross rather than a crucifix.
  
  P107-8 This last scene seems a bit too much and goes on too long. Why not just cut with Mueller inviting them in, all enmity gone.
  
  I don't want you to feel this is damning however. I enjoyed this script and feel that, given a little polishing, this could be a great film. I really enjoyed several sections, especially the German trench raid, which I thought was a wonderful surprise. Congratulations on such a good effort. read
• 
  Review of The Mine
  A review of The Mine
  by jiggson on 10/11/2007
  I believe The Mine has been on TS in various versions, for quite some time, so I was happy to see it as an assignment. This was one of the more polished scripts I have read on Triggersreet. You did a solid job crafting an ensemble cast of characters and weaving the story of a WWI assault around them. The writing is professional, the structure is solid, and the characters... I believe The Mine has been on TS in various versions, for quite some time, so I was happy to see it as an assignment.
  
  This was one of the more polished scripts I have read on Triggersreet. You did a solid job crafting an ensemble cast of characters and weaving the story of a WWI assault around them.
  
  The writing is professional, the structure is solid, and the characters are compelling. Good work.
  
  As a whole the script works, so take my notes for what they are… one person’s opinion. I made a few notes while reading that I will share here.
  
  1. Jack has many reasons to not want to go back to war, but when the call comes, he takes it right away. I think it would be more compelling if the resisted re-enlistment, but decided to go anyway. Whether it was because of his wife’s reluctant encouragement, guilt trip from the army, or another cause.
  
  2. On p. 8 when the plan to mine the ridge is introduced, I felt it needed a little more “oomph”. This is the movie. What transpires in this scene is what sets in motion the next 99 pages of material. I wanted a little more out of this scene.
  
  3. The drowning scene on p.26 only exists to set up the brief exchange between Jack and McCcullough. It doesn’t push the story forward at all the exchange works just as well without it. We don’t know any of the people who drown, they are only there for fodder and I would cut it.
  
  4. p.57 It seemed within Jacks character to give the drunkards a little punishment for getting out of line, but only a little. Like a morning wake up call to haul chalk with a hangover.
  
  5. These guys are all in a very stressful situation, and though they grow close during the story (understandably so), I would expect a little conflict to creep in here and there.
  
  That is about all I have and as I stated above, the script works as it exists now. If you don’t change a thing, it is still a success.
  
  Best of luck with it and I am glad I finally had an excuse to read it. read
• 
  The Mine
  A review of The Mine
  by GimmeABreak on 10/11/2007
  Because I know you know all the stuff about structure, formatting, blah, blah, blah, I’ll just give you my reading notes followed by some general comments at the end. * is the scene in Belgium taking place at approx the same time as the previous scene in Canada? * in some areas, the formatting seems compressed. My eyes are used to a double-space before a new master heading... Because I know you know all the stuff about structure, formatting, blah, blah, blah, I’ll just give you my reading notes followed by some general comments at the end.
  
  * is the scene in Belgium taking place at approx the same time as the previous scene in Canada?
  * in some areas, the formatting seems compressed. My eyes are used to a double-space before a new master heading.
  * p 26 (near the bottom) – there’s a single-word line: “comic.” I don’t think I understand what you intend. Do you mean that the scene is comic in its execution?
  
  General - there's really not much I can suggest to improve this. I didn't see one typo, the structure was completely by-the-book, the major characters were pretty well developed, the dialog felt realistic with the right amount of subtext and the story was engrossing. The only things I'd considering changing: omit the scenes with the Prime Minister and perhaps trim the roles of Haig and Plumer a little. The meat of the story is on the battle field with Jack and his crew. I don't think a reduction or even removal of the roles of the brass would affect the SP negatively one bit. In fact, it might remove enough pages that you can give your master headings a little more room and make the reading a little easier on the eyes.
  
  Good job and best of luck with it! read
• 
  The Mine Review
  A review of The Mine
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 10/11/2007
  Before I begin this review, I should tell you that I believe I have read this screenplay before… a long time ago. So, I apologize in advance if I make any similar statements in this critique. With that being said, this certainly is a professional manuscript that reads well, is written with brevity and detail. It stands on a solid structure and is well-paced. CONCEPT: I... Before I begin this review, I should tell you that I believe I have read this screenplay before… a long time ago. So, I apologize in advance if I make any similar statements in this critique. With that being said, this certainly is a professional manuscript that reads well, is written with brevity and detail. It stands on a solid structure and is well-paced.
  
  CONCEPT: I really didn’t get to the bottom of the concept until late in this read, but from what I have read it seems as if a British Officer struggles to put his past war demons to bed by participating in a mining expedition that is promised to end the First World War
  
  STORY: All in all, this story has a decent pace and is told very well. I felt that there were just a bit too many characters that stole too much screen time from one another, but on the whole the was an interesting and fast read. Structurally, the story stands on its own and I found no glaring or fatal flaws with what is being presented here.
  
  CHARACTER: As I note below, you did a fine job creating the necessary back story for all of the major characters. What held me back in making a solid connection to these characters was the fact that the story didn’t really seem to focus on one particular person until we got later in the second act. It’s not a huge deal as it is the plot that moves this story, not the characters, but I really wanted to see someone take the spotlight earlier on in the story.
  
  DIALOGUE: Late in the third act, the author begins to use voice over to justify Jack’s motivation. I’m not the type to point out voice simply because it is voice over, but this puts a lot of exposition in the air that I hadn’t seen through the whole film. It made me wonder why you chose that route since you wrote subtleties into Jack’s character that lead up to this moment so well. For instance, when he calls Wendel (I believe) Quinn by accident. It worked well with the other flashbacks of the incident that pretty much leads an intelligent audience to understand all of the things you tell us with voice-over. I’m sure leaving it in won’t kill this dog, but I’m not sure it’s entirely necessary.
  
  STRUCTURE:
  ACT I
  HOOK: The author wastes no time jumping into this story. The state of the war is dramatically presented to the audience as are our two heroes, Ewan and David. These two are drafted into the army for their mining experience because the army believes mines are the key to winning the war. Structurally, I think you’ve got all you bases covered in the opening. As for character development of the protagonists, we don’t know too much about them, but their jovial mannerisms make them immediately likeable. On a side note, I’m not really sold on the fact that Ewan and David are the central characters at this point as it could just as well be Anderson.
  
  CHANGE OF PLANS: This story really doesn’t present a change of plans to the audience. The plot, right out of the gates, is all about training these miners to tunnel under the German trenches so they can blow them up (I presume). At the close of the first act, that is still the target. The story itself works although outside the standardized structure. The script also isn’t very character-centric. In other words, there really isn’t a protagonist that jumps out at me as leading the story. At first I figured it was out two mining buddies, but as this progresses, the characters that really seem to drive the plot are the administrative officers (and it seems there are many of them, though and I can’t see them getting too involved with the action as the story intensifies. The characters all seem to have well-developed back stories, though.
  
  ACT II
  POINT OF NO RETURN: I suppose that we can say that the point of no return in this story is the fact that our miners have began to tunnel towards the German lines. One of the tunnels is soon located and several people are killed through a sabotage mission by the Germans. Fortunately our two Welshmen, my favorite characters thus far, manage to survive. I guess my criticism for the story thus far is the plethora of characters that seem to have major roles. I had a tough time remembering just who was who and who was really driving this story forward. Granted that this definitely feels plot driven, so I don’t think it’s a fatal flaw, I was just hoping I could latch on to a character and follow that journey. Instead I am being pushed back and forth through the lives of several characters who share the same goal.
  
  MAJOR SETBACK: As this story chugs along, I think I am finally beginning to see the real focus lies on Jack. My inability to see him as the central character just may be the fault of the reader and not the writer. In terms of plot, there are some complications, but nothing really drastic that makes me believe the attack won’t happen, nor be successful. We have the tunnel collapse where Anderson is killed. There is also the notion that the high command will direct operations in Italy instead of France and finally there is the presumed suicide of MacCullogh. Lots of stuff happening, all pushes back against the forward progress of goal resolution but nothing that I would consider defining or major.
  
  ACT III
  CLIMAX: The climax took on an interesting structure with the lead-up, the fight in the mine, seeming to be the real action sequence. I thought it was well-written and engaging but the utter hopelessness of the men being trapped in the mine really felt more like a major setback than a climax. It was here (pushing page 90) that all seemed to be lost, not only with the men, but also with the offensive in general. Anyway, after this ordeal, Jack gets back into action while Mueller desperately tried to decode the British mining operation. He does. By this time it’s too late and it almost seems like a second push in the climax, the offensive goes ahead as planned and the ridge is destroyed.
  
  GOAL RESOLUTION: The scene in the train car really sums up the resolution to this journey. Although less than a page, it was very well done and says a million words about Jack’s life. I very much enjoyed this part. Although I’m not sure I fully grasp what you are trying to tell us. Sure, Jack has now come to peace with himself over all the fellows who have died under him. Even those he feels a bit guilty for. But why? He ended up just killing more Germans. I guess my read on this is that killing the enemy puts the demons to bed. Perhaps you’d be interested in clarifying this for me.
  
  AFTERMATH/CHARACTER ARC: Well, there certainly is an arc and most is explained just above. read
• 
  A gold mine
  A review of The Mine
  by bthielke on 10/10/2007
  Hey Matt- it's been ages since I've read the mine, so I can't really compare this version to previous ones I've read. I'm not going to really bother commenting on dialogue, your structure, your format, because they were all great in my eyes. A vague recollection I had about the story from way back when was that it was static at times, but you've really kept the narrative... Hey Matt- it's been ages since I've read the mine, so I can't really compare this version to previous ones I've read. I'm not going to really bother commenting on dialogue, your structure, your format, because they were all great in my eyes.
  
  A vague recollection I had about the story from way back when was that it was static at times, but you've really kept the narrative and action moving on this version. I think it was full of action and you captured the essence of the warfare for the most part.
  
  Characters- I thought one setup you didn't really payoff was Mary's anger at Jack going back to the war. I think that is subplot you should carry through out act II to show how that reconciliation occurs. Your characters were strong and nuanced nicely. good job.
  
  This is a strong screenplay that needs to find a director/producer that is looking for a unique war script. Great job Matt.
  
  I have a few notes below that address specific issues on specific pages. If you think any of these comments could be applied to other parts of the story, then it may make sense to make those edits as well.
  
  pg 1 and 2- I may be all wet here, but because the point of this scene is to point out the futility and horror of trying to fight above ground (thus neccesitating the tunnelling), I think you need to have this opening battle sequence be a little more graphic. It seemed a little antiseptic. Just a small example, the grenade is thrown and next thing we see the gunners are dead. try to capture their fear as they realize a grenade has been tossed in their midst, have some soldiers not die immediately, have them missing a leg screaming in a mix of pain and horror. You need to make this scene as gruesome and futile as possible to then have the tunnel make perfect sense, of course we'd want to build it rather than go through this hell again.
  
  pg 5 same here with the aftermath, you should make us smell that burnt flesh, be vomiting over the pure disgustingness of the carnage, feel that mud sticking to our boots. It's a little to matter of factly for what you need to accomplish.
  
  pg 10- hard labor- isn't what they're doing hard labor. Might be a good place to show a little personality, tell a little joke about already being in hard labor.
  
  pg 14- having the general tell mueller that he's one of the best before he got wounded is a little too expository. By bringing him back, that goes without saying that he's one of the best. General should just say he needs him back.
  
  pg 25 whats the water table- nice little detail.
  
  pg 28- what if on mcculloughs second dialogue he just said the last sentence. It shows his disdain for all the stuff he was saying in the lines above, without the preachiness and with a ton of subtext.
  
  pg 37 - this is the first scene with Meuller for over 20 pages. I'm wondering if you introduced him too early to begin with. Either introduce him after the welshmen are in Belgium, or have a couple more scenes with him intersperced to show his parralell journey to the front.
  
  pg 46- nice use of the voice over!
  
  PG 59- Is triangulated an early 20th century term. It strikes me as a newer term. could be wrong, no big deal. read
• 
  The Mine
  A review of The Mine
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 09/28/2007
  I don’t really fond of war stories but I really love “THE MINE”. I think it would make a great movie. Close to “Saving Private Ryan”. There are a lot of stories on War World 2 but very few on War World 1. Which makes this story even more special. I think it is really great to try and change that. The way you managed to reconstruct it all, even the trenches experience and atrocities,... I don’t really fond of war stories but I really love “THE MINE”. I think it would make a great movie. Close to “Saving Private Ryan”. There are a lot of stories on War World 2 but very few on War World 1. Which makes this story even more special. I think it is really great to try and change that. The way you managed to reconstruct it all, even the trenches experience and atrocities, is amazing amazing. I think that it is really moving that Muller and Kelly got to meet after all this years and that he still had Kelly’s diary. You’re a really good writer and you proved it with this screenplay.
  read
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  PROFESSIONAL
  A review of The Mine
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 09/11/2007
  That's the only word I can use to describe this script. Reviewing it will be hard since it's pretty much ready for sale if not production. "The Mine" is a chess match reminiscent of "Master and Commander". As a matter of fact Russel Crow would make a great choice for the lead...give him a call:) I really don't have much to say in the way of criticism. I'm sorry for that... That's the only word I can use to describe this script. Reviewing it will be hard since it's pretty much ready for sale if not production.
  
  "The Mine" is a chess match reminiscent of "Master and Commander". As a matter of fact Russel Crow would make a great choice for the lead...give him a call:)
  
  I really don't have much to say in the way of criticism. I'm sorry for that. I'm sure you posted the script looking for ways to make it better. The only thing I can think of is to stretch out the tension in the final sequence more. It does seem too easy after the Brits choose to go forward with the attack. I don't know the actually history behind the story but if Mueller was successful in getting a message out it would make the showdown more exciting...just a thought.
  
  I'm sure some script nazi will tell you some crap about how using flashbacks is a horribly bad thing...you're well past all those color-by-numbers critics, so ignore them. I wish you well, it's a tough genre to sell but story is good and it is well told.
  
  kudos read
• 
  best i have read so far
  A review of The Mine
  by nobonesclean on 09/11/2007
  Structure is well thought out. "Sometimes it's best not to use flashbacks if you can get through the story without them. They tend toslow down the pace." That is not the case in this story. All screenplay writing books are identical on how to write a screenplay. And you have studied yours well. Small problems only--like placement of O.S. and V.O.'s(these should be on... Structure is well thought out. "Sometimes it's best not to use flashbacks if you can get through the story without them. They tend toslow down the pace." That is not the case in this story. All screenplay writing books are identical on how to write a screenplay. And you have studied yours well. Small problems only--like placement of O.S. and V.O.'s(these should be on the Name line and the speaker below in dialogue AND descriptions could be placed within the Name/Dialogue to improve pace but not enough to mar the S-play.
  Speaking of pace. Very well. Done in one sitting with just a couple of pauses. Have some problems following the different mine locations(where they were, who was in them, what direction they were going--maybe this should be clearer) Toward the end, you had the Allies charging east toward the Germans; maybe you could use this throughout. Military movies always have to two sides charging toward each other, facing each other, etc. even if they are miles away. It is classic iconography you should spend some time on it. Switching back and forth between Jack and Mueller is something like I am talking about. Though personally I would have cut down the number of scenes. Purpose was stated by page 30 or so. Characters by page 10 a little iffy.(There are a lot, and age is there only description) Theme by page 3 I missed. I did not like the contractions in the dialogue. Unless part of the characteration and throughout, that's something left up to the actors. "Continous and Moments Later" should not be in the Slug Line, it should be a line down in description. read
• 
  The Mine
  A review of The Mine
  by baga12 on 09/11/2007
  Your writing style is lean and mean. I found myself transported back into the early 1900's and it feels very authentic and vivid. Your concept is intruguing and you did a good job establishing interesting characters. I liked your dialogue for the most part, but I occasionally found it a little preachy. This happened when your characters would break into long speeches about... Your writing style is lean and mean. I found myself transported back into the early 1900's and it feels very authentic and vivid. Your concept is intruguing and you did a good job establishing interesting characters. I liked your dialogue for the most part, but I occasionally found it a little preachy. This happened when your characters would break into long speeches about the validity of the war. I also found the VO to be unecessary in many parts.
  
  I think you have some issues with pacing in the first half of the script. The process of digging a mine isn't inherently dramatic. It played more like a history channel documentary. I had a tough time becoming emotionally engaged. I didn't really know what's at stake for your main character Jack. What are his desires? What is his past? Who is he as a person? I needed something to connect with. I felt if you move up the whole Quinn backstory, it may help us relate to Jack more.
  
  I felt you cut out too early from the rescue scene with O'Reilly, Ewan, and David. I wanted to know how the rest of the scene plays out. Also, I felt the transition from their rescue effort to seeing them really drunk was quite odd.
  
  Finally, I didn't understand why Mueller would go into the tunnel by himself. Isn't he a high ranking officer? Wouldn't he send out soliders to do the dirty work? Also, I found it completely unbelievable that Mueller would bother to take Jack's diary in the middle of a brutal fight. It made the ending seem especially contrived when Jack meets up with Mueller years later.
  
  Overall, good job. I think it's all there and (forgive my pun) but with a little digging you'll have a great script. Just find a way to engage us with Jack and ratchet up the drama and supense in the first half of the script. read
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  A Very Good Period Piece
  A review of The Mine
  by josh_wilson on 09/09/2007
  I was enthralled by the screenplay. Not too many period pieces involve the first World War. The character development was very good. I like that little by little, you understood the demons that plagued Jack Kelly. I also liked the starch comparison as well as contrast between Kelly and Mueller. Both were doing their jobs, but were conflicted by it, wanting to prove themselves... I was enthralled by the screenplay. Not too many period pieces involve the first World War.
  
  The character development was very good. I like that little by little, you understood the demons that plagued Jack Kelly. I also liked the starch comparison as well as contrast between Kelly and Mueller. Both were doing their jobs, but were conflicted by it, wanting to prove themselves as not being cowards. Them also encountering each other before was a nice way to add backstory to the situation.
  
  The parts that involved Ewan and David were a nice touch also. It showed that the war hit people on every level, from captain to miner. The feeling of sadness by Ewan being the only one to survive out of all four was astounding. The ending was very well put. Jack was finally able to put his demons to rest, in the form of them getting off of the train. The face to face with Mueller at the end was a well thought out epilogue. Really good screenplay. read