Reviews of THE ROSES OF GUERNICA (REVISED) 15

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  Rose Petals
  A review of THE ROSES OF GUERNICA (REVISED)
  by Scorpion on 05/22/2005
  An interesting historical story. This has promise but needs a lot of work. Here are some specifics to get you started: Your descriptions are too long and action is described with a passive voice too often. Try to avoid using the word 'is' as much as possible. It will force you to use better verbs. For example - Pg 77 'The Rep. Guard is looking...' should be 'The Rep. Guard... An interesting historical story. This has promise but needs a lot of work. Here are some specifics to get you started: Your descriptions are too long and action is described with a passive voice too often. Try to avoid using the word 'is' as much as possible. It will force you to use better verbs. For example - Pg 77 'The Rep. Guard is looking...' should be 'The Rep. Guard looks...'. Sound Over is not a character. Just write a description of the sound: 'Airplanes can be heard in the distance'. When you start the SP you don't give us a time period to focus on. Tell us the year. Also the initial museum scene is missing a scene heading. You start with Int. and never change it to Ext. Pg. 5 Don't tell us only one German has an accent - we know they are Germans. When we first meet Andre and Benat they go through a long story about their childhood - but they tell it to each other - they already know the story. On Pg 13 you use a Character tag (Ricardo) to indicate action. Change this to 'Ricardo nods at the firing squad.' Pg. 14 Voice Over is not a character. Change to Narrator (V.O.). You occasionally mixed some actual Spanish in with the dialog. This was distracting since the characters are already speaking Spanish. Pg. 30 'Silence for several unnerving minutes.' Think about trying to film silence for several minutes. Pg. 63 You use Sound Over in place of Mrs. Anders (O.S.). Pg. 85 Too much time spent showing us the troops being called to attention and then to parade rest. Ok, this should get you going. I should tell you that the rose petals from the sky was fabulous and the death scene with Mara and her mother was amazing. Clean this up - it's worth it. Keep writing. read
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  THE ROSES OF GUERNICA BLEW ME AWAY!
  A review of THE ROSES OF GUERNICA (REVISED)
  by mvanvlack on 05/21/2005
  I have to say, this was a powerful read. Good job, Rick Clark! There was so much about this script that impressed me - the historical accuracy - the attention to detail - but at no point did the script become mired in useless information about which an audience would never care. Historical dramas are horrendously difficult to pull off because so often the writers become... I have to say, this was a powerful read. Good job, Rick Clark! There was so much about this script that impressed me - the historical accuracy - the attention to detail - but at no point did the script become mired in useless information about which an audience would never care. Historical dramas are horrendously difficult to pull off because so often the writers become caught up in "convincing" the audience that "yeah, this stuff happened!" Well, Mr. Clark, you had no problem there. The pacing was great, and it read very quickly. And as for action - WOW! There's plenty of that, and it's nicely interspersed with a love story that really got me involved with Otto and Mara Catarina - but I don't want to be a spoiler, so I'll mention no more about that. I recommend anyone who wants to write a historical drama to check this piece out. It's a great piece of work. Now, having said that, here is a sad truth. No American studio is going to make a historical film, especially about war, that doesn't feature an American character. Especially in this day and age, and with the current presidential administration, it's all about creating American patriotism - unless you're talking Christians (i.e., Kingdom of Heaven or an ancient time like Rome, etc.). But the fact that all the characters in this piece are German and/or Spanish - I see this piece landing at HBO or TNT or a cable network. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing. They would be more likely to keep this script exactly as it is. Having said that, the Spanish Civil War is a much more important part of modern Western history but so little is ever known about it. I appreciate and applaud Mr. Clark's wanting to reveal more about that particular chapter of the 20th Century. A few specific scenes I'd like to mention that I liked, which won't be spoilers: 1. I loved the roses being thrown from the fighter plane over Mara, who dances in them...I can see that so clearly on film - will be beautiful with the right director. 2. The discussion about the Flamenco dance being about "passion" and "defiance" instead of "love" and "emotion." There is a huge difference and I'm glad Mr. Clark pointed that out. On the technical side: I don't know as I understand the "Sound Over" designations. They appear as dialogue entries and not narrative. I have never seen that done. As someone who has worked in both the BA and Creative Departments of major studios, I have never ever seen that done. I suggest Mr. Clark make them part of the narrative and not set them off as if they are dialogue. No biggie, just a suggestion. Addtionally, you should never have more than one name listed under the character heading for dialogue. First name is fine or second, but not both. And you don't need a military designation either. Overall, Mr. Clark, you have a really entertaining and incredibly emotional piece here. I really hope it finds a home. I'd say more about how much the ending impacted me, but then I'd spoil it for other readers. Good luck, Mr. Clark! Look forward to reading future pieces! read
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  Review of Guernica
  A review of THE ROSES OF GUERNICA (REVISED)
  by miriamp on 05/11/2005
  Even before I opened the file, I noticed that your synopsis is too long. A professional, industry-style synopsis should be no more than two sentences. Once I got the file open, I saw the title and your name below at the top of the first page, above FADE IN. This, again, is not industry-standard and would be considered unprofessional by the experts. First impressions are... Even before I opened the file, I noticed that your synopsis is too long. A professional, industry-style synopsis should be no more than two sentences. Once I got the file open, I saw the title and your name below at the top of the first page, above FADE IN. This, again, is not industry-standard and would be considered unprofessional by the experts. First impressions are everything and these two mistakes before the screenplay even begins don't give a favorable impression.
  
  There are many problems with this screenplay and it will need to be completely re-written. I will try to keep my comments brief, but I want to give you a valuable review, so bear with me.
  
  The scene in the museum in which Picasso's painting turns into the aerial dogfight is set up incorrectly. The image of the light turning into the sun and then bringing in the sound effects of the planes was dramatic and vivid, but the format of the description is all wrong. There are two distinct scenes: the museum, which is interior, and the dogfight, which is exterior as well as up in the air. There should be two separate scene headings.
  
  In this scene, as well as in others throughout, you use a character heading called "SOUND OVER" and dialogue lines that describe sound effects. O.C. means "off-camera" and is used after a character heading when the character is in the scene, but not seen, or in the other room. V.O. means "voice-over" and is used when there is a voice coming over a radio, telephone, or by an unseen narrator. The way you have written it there is a character named "SOUND OVER" who speaks these lines. Sounds are designated by CAPS. You can describe sounds that come from unseen things within a scene in normal action lines.
  
  Many of the actions lines are not filmable as written. "Dirk Peters has managed to escape several close calls." How can you show that in one shot? If he has had close calls, you should describe these, or else describe his current situation without giving background. Other examples are each pilot wearing a scarf in his favorite color or design; there is nothing visually to tell us their preferences. It would be better to say each scarf has a unique color and design. And Max is Otto's best friend. This could not be less obvious during the initial battle. It will become clear later on, as the two men interact.
  
  I think if you want to describe all these aerial dogfights, you should look online for the screenplays of movies like Star Wars, Pearl Harbor, and others with aerial fight sequences. Read how the experts describe these battles. I have a problem with these so-called professional screenwriters. They all break the rule of show, don't tell, that Triggerstreet members argue about all the time. Is it okay as long as the professionals do it? My theory is that we should follow the rules when we are trying to get Hollywood to notice us. Once we have established our reputations, apparently we can let the rules slide.
  
  You have some exceptional situations and imagery, but for the most part they are poorly presented. I think the old man in the museum is Otto, who survived the war in body, but not in spirit, but that is not made clear at all. He is always referred to as the old man. If he is the older Otto, you will have to call out for it in the first scene. Keeping his identity a secret is more literary: that is, it belongs in a novel. A director will need to know the man is an older Otto when he is casting the film. And you need something visual to show that he is Otto, like he's holding a white cloth with faded rose petals, or a picture of Mara: something. The imagery of the roses and the blood is well-conceived, but has not been carried through the story as much as it could have been. It is more overwhelming than resolved.
  
  The majority of the pages are set at the cave in the mountains where the brothers battle their enemy for days and days. There is too much emphasis on this action and the situations related to the battle that do move the story forward could be efficiently described in just a few pages, leaving you more time to fully develop the relationship between Otto and Mara. It is perfectly plausible that he is fascinated with her from the beginning, but she capitulates to his ardor much too quickly. Their relationship should take place over as much time as you can realistically fit between the first moment of the German occupation and the carpet bombing of Guernica. Was it days, weeks, or months? If it was months, then give them those months to get to know each other.
  
  Finally, so much of your dialogue is expository, meaning that you are using it to explain things from the past. Your dialogue lines should be short and efficient, revealing the characters and their feelings for each other. As an example, the first conversation between Andre and Benat about the brick went on way too long. When writing dialogue you should keep the point of the conversation in mind. What do you want to reveal in each dialogue sequence? Get to it quickly and end the conversation. Make the point once. And read it out loud. If you can get your loved ones to agree to it, read it out loud to them and ask them if it sounds natural. If it doesn't sound like people talking, then it isn't real dialogue.
  
  The central plot point seems to be the tragedy of Otto and Mara's relationship and that he is forced to actually kill his beloved while she is buying her wedding dress. But the supporting plot twists have overshadowed this central story, leaving it a mere footnote to the long battle sequences.
  
  I suggest you study the format of the screenplays that have made it to the top ten, and read the reviews of the screenplays that rank at the bottom of the list. You will probably find a lot of inspiration that will help you properly tell this wonderful story. read
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  Roses of Guernica Review
  A review of THE ROSES OF GUERNICA (REVISED)
  by reg86 on 05/11/2005
  I really don't know where to start. And I think that's one of the biggest problems with this script. Technically, there were a few things that editing. The over-use of adverbs. Not enough power verbs driving the action. Far too many parantheticals. And the use of the Sound Over dialogue thing was distracting and unnecessary. And too many characters are introduced formally,... I really don't know where to start. And I think that's one of the biggest problems with this script. Technically, there were a few things that editing. The over-use of adverbs. Not enough power verbs driving the action. Far too many parantheticals. And the use of the Sound Over dialogue thing was distracting and unnecessary. And too many characters are introduced formally, only to be killed off the next paragraph. Also, the script lacked a definite plot, something that tied it all together. A reason for caring. Yes, what happened in the Spanish Civil War was awful, but why should I care about it and these people? There's just no focus. But that may be the result of a lack of plot. I like the framing of the narrative in a historical context, but that technique is never fully realized. The plot points are just not there. The reader has no connection with the characters (who lack connection themselves). I didn't find myself emotionally interested in any of the characters or what they were going through in the story. Scenes tended to ramble on a bit too long and not really go anywhere. Or when they did it took too long to get there and then ended too fast. There wasn't a state of balance that suddenly became disturbed and needed correction.There seemed to be four different stories with no connection between them. The dialogue between the characters and their actions seemed pedestrian and without urgencey: what I mean is that the characters didn't seem to act with any conviction or determination. They weren't instilled with a passion. And the transistion between scenes offered no moments of reflection. One of the strongest aspects of the script was the metaphor of the roses and bombs. But the love story and relationships bewteen the characters is never crafted into something powerful enough to hold on to. As a result, the metaphor gets lost and loses any meaning. Overall, the script lacked a center and a passion. Writing a historical epic like this is a difficult task. But if the writer hasn't lived through it or experienced something like it themselves, then it's hard to find that emotional heartstring that makes it a story. read
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  More educational than entertaining
  A review of THE ROSES OF GUERNICA (REVISED)
  by JGTS on 05/02/2005
  As a former teacher I did enjoy this script. It is thorough, and well outlined. Who's ever heard of Guernica knows what a landmark this is in Spanish history! I was initially misled into believing this piece was Civil War, then contemporary (??? Reina Sofia was born in 1938, her museum is much older than that, named differently, etc.), and had to look back to find the "temporal"... As a former teacher I did enjoy this script. It is thorough, and well outlined. Who's ever heard of Guernica knows what a landmark this is in Spanish history! I was initially misled into believing this piece was Civil War, then contemporary (??? Reina Sofia was born in 1938, her museum is much older than that, named differently, etc.), and had to look back to find the "temporal" markers that are, IMHO, necessary to get the when/where right. Especially for a reader. A viewer gets it immediately. So a formal notation in the slug lines like "NOWADAYS" for the old man, and maybe "1936" (or whatever it was) for Guernica would have helped me as a reader.
  The structure appears solid. This is much more a war story than a love story. Action scenes, respite, air raids, all that is good.
  Somehow, I had that sense of impending doom throughtout the piece. Dark and gloomy.
  I was not convinced by the dialogue. Stilted, old-fashioned? OK, this might fit a piece and resemble a film from the 40s. But still, I felt that the dialogue failed to give true depth of character, and was a bit stereotyped. And yet the premise is good. That fiancee left in Guernica, bombarded with roses then real explosives... that struck a chord here!
  So I was a bit diappointed that some of the speeches really don't work. Examples? OK... pp. 66-69 (Father and sons), p. 75 (Otto: "you hit my heart with ease."), ad lib. There was another time, p. 35, when MC uses "rest" twice in the same speech... Stylistically poor.
  And yet, some other scenes work... I liked Lucera's death, that was good. So, my humble advice is: rework the dialogue, and make your characters live, and make things a little more attractive for your readers/viewers. I hope this helps! JG read
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  Hearts And Flowers
  A review of THE ROSES OF GUERNICA (REVISED)
  by David Muhlfelder on 05/02/2005
  The story of the Guernica massacre is one worth telling. I commend you for tackling this weighty subject, but your script lacks focus and needs a tighter structure. Since you bookend the story with the old man at the museum, your first scene should be with him, then flashback to Sperrle and Franco's meeting. One big problem for me was that I was never sure who your main character... The story of the Guernica massacre is one worth telling. I commend you for tackling this weighty subject, but your script lacks focus and needs a tighter structure. Since you bookend the story with the old man at the museum, your first scene should be with him, then flashback to Sperrle and Franco's meeting. One big problem for me was that I was never sure who your main character was. At various times it seemed like it was Otto, Mara, Andre or Benat, but it was never clear through whose eyes we were meant to see the story. I think you need to pick one character, and tell the story from their POV. Much of the dialogue was very stiff and on the nose, and the characters sounded very much alike. Often they seemed to be talking in circles, repeating the same information and talking about what they were going to do. Best to cut down on all the strategic talk, and show the strategy in action. Scenes tended to go on longer than necessary, and your action lines need to be more crisply written. Too much of the description is in passive voice, occasionally you change tense in mid sentence, and there are too many unimportant details. There were too many scenes in the trenches that didn't advance the story. You need to spend more time showing life in Guernica, and the German plan to attack it. You also need to heighten Otto's inner conflict between his love for Mara and his sense of duty. We need to see him in Guernica wih Mara before the attack, interacting with the people, and falling in love with the life there. Only then, will we feel his agony when he's forced to do his duty. This is an important story. Give it the dramatic heft it deserves. Good luck. read
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  Tragic Love Story
  A review of THE ROSES OF GUERNICA (REVISED)
  by Beate on 05/01/2005
  This is an interesting script and it has some potential. The end is very dramatic. Though there are still some things which could be changed. First of all it is confusing if you do not know anything about that war to figure out who is fighting against whom. Maybe you should take the general information of the last V.O. , add place and time and put it in the beginning. There... This is an interesting script and it has some potential. The end is very dramatic. Though there are still some things which could be changed. First of all it is confusing if you do not know anything about that war to figure out who is fighting against whom. Maybe you should take the general information of the last V.O. , add place and time and put it in the beginning.
  There is little character descriptions. You have to make sure that all the information in the descriptions can be seen by the audience. I will not be able to know the names of the first characters that are killed. How do I know if it’s a Nationalist, Russian, Italian or a Republican trench, soldier, plane? Why do Germans speak with accents when they are among themselves? It is a bit unbelievable that Otto and Mara fall in love so quickly and that when Otto meets her parents and brothers they get on comparatively fast. I mean, should not the brothers be afraid that Otto tells someone and that the whole family gets killed? Should not there be some conflict between Mara and her parents because of Otto being a German Nationalist? You should also mention who won the Civil War. read
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  Vivid Images of a Cruel War
  A review of THE ROSES OF GUERNICA (REVISED)
  by pamcam on 05/01/2005
  Doing a masterful job of describing action, Richard Clark has crafted a wonderful screenplay that puts you right in the driver's seat or more accurately the pilot's seat of events surrounding the Spanish Civil War. It is obvious that Mr. Clark spent a lot of time researching the cruelties of war and the techique of "carpet bombing" that was tested on a small village. Using... Doing a masterful job of describing action, Richard Clark has crafted a wonderful screenplay that puts you right in the driver's seat or more accurately the pilot's seat of events surrounding the Spanish Civil War.
  
  It is obvious that Mr. Clark spent a lot of time researching the cruelties of war and the techique of "carpet bombing" that was tested on a small village.
  
  Using a backstory of a dancer who falls in love with a German bomber helps make this story based on actual events even more heartbreaking.
  
  A very masterful screenplay that would make for an important film. read
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  Research alone is not enough...
  A review of THE ROSES OF GUERNICA (REVISED)
  by tigerylan on 05/01/2005
  I must say, for the majority of this read, I was pretty confused about what was going on. In a war, there are two sides, and we as an audience must (or should, most of the time) identify with one particular side. Here, I felt like there was no clear storyline, and I didn't know who I should root for. We open with the German plane fight, so I figured it's the Germans? But... I must say, for the majority of this read, I was pretty confused about what was going on. In a war, there are two sides, and we as an audience must (or should, most of the time) identify with one particular side. Here, I felt like there was no clear storyline, and I didn't know who I should root for. We open with the German plane fight, so I figured it's the Germans? But then the Spanish brothers had their own battles to fight, and both sides were rather brutal and unrelenting. I found myself sympathizing for only one person, and that's Mara. To me, it seems like you definitely did a ton of research, and wanted to put all these interesting/horrific tales into a script, but it didn't flow clearly for me. There needs to be a defined story; what's going on with these guys, what is their challenge, and how are they going to overcome, if they even can? and if some of the real life stories found in your research have to be cut, then so be it. I enjoyed the authenticity in the descriptions, but felt they were a bit excessive. Blocks of action shouldn't be more than 4 lines, or it appears intimidating. So in all, i found this piece to be rough, and in progress. It has potential to be a wonderful, authentic period piece about world history, but the story needs to be written first. You need to decide; is this story about love? about war? is it about brotherhood, friendship? every disaster/historic event movie still has a story going on. titanic was a love story; pearl harbor (while a POS on its own) was a love triangle. My criticism would be to get to the heart of the story, and work in the historic facts to the story you want to tell, not the other way around. read
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  . . .by any other name.
  A review of THE ROSES OF GUERNICA (REVISED)
  by wridir on 04/28/2005
  Powerful images. Disturbing, vibrant scenes of the brutality of war and the even handed brutality doled out by both armies. My interest remained throughout the read but there are serious issues with the screenplay. In no particular order: It takes far too long for the various story threads to weave themselves together. There are times when I felt I was reading three good... Powerful images. Disturbing, vibrant scenes of the brutality of war and the even handed brutality doled out by both armies. My interest remained throughout the read but there are serious issues with the screenplay.
  
  In no particular order:
  
  It takes far too long for the various story threads to weave themselves together. There are times when I felt I was reading three good screenplays that hadn't been connected yet. The Benat/ Andre story while extremely well constructed, contributes least to the central concern of the sp which is the tragic connection between the love story and the bombing of Guernica.
  
  The major Historical scenes, especially the first scene between Franco and the German Ambassador is far too obvious, far too abrupt, as though the writer was saying - Okay guys, here's the primo exposition. Good - that's over let's get on with the story. It stands out by virtue of being so awkward and heavy handed in an otherwise well crafted piece of work. Develop that scene and give it the subtlety it needs to work and in the process set your screenplay up.
  
  Too many talking heads. Many of the scenes featuring discussion, exposition need to be framed around action. It's really unsettling to try and slog through a couple of deadly dull pages and then be thrust into the middle of a terrific action sequence, followed by another dull stretch and so on. This story has great potential and the writer has the chops to get it integrated and told in a way that's compelling from beginning to end.. read