Reviews of The Sheriff of Mount Stone 3

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  The Sheriff of Mount Stone
  A review of The Sheriff of Mount Stone
  by Matt_Bro on 10/31/2011
  There's a lot of good and bad in this script but my initial impression is that I liked it. You have a real talent for writing but the main area that needs improvement is your story itself - not for a lack of solid content but more for what you do with it. OK, first of, your writing style is strong. Your descriptions are apt, visual, full of character and well balanced. You... There's a lot of good and bad in this script but my initial impression is that I liked it. You have a real talent for writing but the main area that needs improvement is your story itself - not for a lack of solid content but more for what you do with it.
  
  OK, first of, your writing style is strong. Your descriptions are apt, visual, full of character and well balanced. You don't get bogged down and it makes for an easy read. Your formatting is generally good although your dialogue runs to the edge of the page instead of being central. Nothing major but slightly distracting.
  
  I love westerns and your opening scene with Parker taking out the robbers was classic western. It made an impression without simply re-inacting an overused western gimmick. It felt original in other words and you play to the strengths of the genre with flair and a great understanding. There were only a few instances where you really wore your inspirations on your sleeve, namely the scene where Davison enters the saloon and gives Kelly coins for information - almost a direct riff of For a Few Dollars More but I can look past this.
  
  I can honestly say you don't need to worry about your dialogue. It's probably the strongest aspect of the script and you strike a great balance between well worn cliche western slang and apt character conversations. You have some good one liners in there that manage to not come off as cheesy too. Only rarely does it come across a bit on the nose, such as when Edith is instantly talking about freedom (and a few other examples) but you manage to swing the conversations round to good back and forth banter fairly quickly.
  
  The biggest problem I found from this read through was the lack of focus on who these characters were and the events of the story. In other words, it wasn't until the final scene that I realised who should have been your main character - Kent! Let me explain. Jim Parker is a fascinating character but the scenes we spend with him don't focus on what makes him interesting. The hints of his backstory - coming to Mount Stone, working under the mysterious Sheriff Ventura and the uprising that lead to him trying to change the town for the better only to fall victim to it - I wanted to learn more about that. It contains drama, betrayal, excitement and a lot of potential. What the story you have written essentially comes down to is a lot of people trying to work out which direction another character is heading in. I lost count of the amount of times that someone says 'he's heading south/north/to Murky Pass/from Murky Pass' etc and everything begins to unravel. I think it comes down to another character note, that being - we, as an audience, don't know who to root for! Who is the villain? Is it Davison the hitman? Parker for being a dirty Sheriff? Burns for being on the run? Or Jackson for actually killing his daughter and framing poor Burns? If WE don't know, then it's hard to know who is doing what for what reasons. Ambiguity is awesome in westerns but there's too much of it and not enough plot at play here. This is why I eventually realised Kent is your best chance for a relatable protagonist and here's why - in the final act, he acts as protector for the innocent (Burns) plus he represents someone who is finally bucking the trend/escaping the vicious cycle that this town puts people through. We know Parker used to be good but turned just as bad, if not worse than Ventura but Kent is the one who finally overcomes this and we have some great moments that mirror scenes from the first act such as the shootoff and the digging a grave. Setup and payoff! Rethink your story from the point of view of Kent and you'll not only be able to utilise Parker's brilliant character but have it seen from the point of view of someone else looking in.
  
  Right. Back on track. Your pacing is solid but as mentioned, the emphasis on location and destination bogs things down a bit. The second act is quite sluggish but mainly because you insist on advancing the plot at all times. You could benefit from having a few more character moments where things slow down and we get to develop the characters a bit. And by slowing the pace in the right places, you can amp up the action when it kicks in, something else that the second act could do with more of.
  
  The first act by contrast is pretty tight. You set up the main storyline of Burns' attempt to escape and the numerous people chasing him down well and you juggle screentime between everyone to a good standard. One scene that was quite misleading was when Davison is talking about hiring a guy to Jackson which turns out to be Davison himself. Going from the opening, I expected it to be Parker. Parker's job as Sheriff ends up coming secondary to his bounty hunting alter ego ways but the reveal of him as Sheriff in the brothal was good. Another point that goes against Parker being your lead, is that he doesn't contribute to the big end of act choices - namely, Davison taking on the Burns job and Burns fleeing south. Parker himself is quite passive in all events that shape the story early on, up until he joins in the hunt for Burns too. The scene with Leach and Ramon having to quickdraw against each other was great and ended a little disappointingly with Parker being so dismissive of the whole thing - if he really has gone off the deep end, why wouldn't he let them shoot each other? Plus, you could have at least had him shoot the gun out of Leach's hand or something to further show his skill with a weapon. Mount Stone itself is a great concept for a western town but a lot of the logic is a little shaky - what's the need for a Sheriff/the law if it's a known place for criminals to come and start again in? It's almost a shame that more of the story doesn't take place in Mount Stone - it's clearly the centrepoint but it feels like it has more to give, more stories to tell.
  
  Overall, this is a strong draft that does so much right but just in the service of a larger story that is doing things wrong. I love the way you take the dirty/renegade cop genre and blend it into another genre that it seems so suited for - the western. I just think that if you switch focus to Kent, things will play out in a more exciting and controlled way. For example, your third act sees Kent become the hero and blow away the big bad of Davison and where's Parker during this? Out travelling on his way back down to the town somewhere. He's absent for the big beats and I think you either need to involve him more directly as a lead or switch that role to Kent and enjoy Parker as a sort of agent of change character, much like the Joker in Dark Knight etc.
  
  Your supporting characters are good, you write women well despite a few ill conceived 'romantic' moments (between Parker and Isabelle), but your dialogue and grasp of the genre that are the standouts here so congrats. read
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  Good job
  A review of The Sheriff of Mount Stone
  by OliRichards on 08/24/2011
  I really liked this Western. It has twists and turns, felt believable, kept up the suspense and kept moving. The plot is very involved so you have to try hard to work out what's happening but I think it's not too confusing (as long as you don't add any more twists to it). There are quite a few similar characters - grizzly, middle aged men - so you would have to make each... I really liked this Western. It has twists and turns, felt believable, kept up the suspense and kept moving.
  
  The plot is very involved so you have to try hard to work out what's happening but I think it's not too confusing (as long as you don't add any more twists to it).
  
  There are quite a few similar characters - grizzly, middle aged men - so you would have to make each one visually distinct, perhaps with a scar, a trademark hat etc, but again think this would be fine.
  
  There were a few comments you made in the screenplay that weren't needed as you should only write what is visually present on the screen. For example:
  p.17 Perhaps the mud is to blame. Perhaps not.
  p.74 Most drunk people can’t lie convincingly, and Isabelle is
  no exception.
  You should take out things like this.
  
  The places where the plot didn't feel natural were:
  
  P.10 - odd that burns fights Jackson for his gun? Surely he would want to slink away from his girlfriend's father, not get into a fight with him. You need to make it clearer that they really hate each other and would fight.
  
  p.29 Hotel scene. Seemed unrealistic she'd be so quick to help him. Give her a reason - you look just like my dead son - or something like that.
  
  p.97 Wouldn't they notice the bullet holes from the night before?
  
  p.98 Wouldn't they realise that a dead man wouldn't make a noise?
  
  At the end the showdown between Parker and Kent is odd. It comes out of nowhere and you can't imagine Kent winning. Furthermore the town people would surely have something to say? You'd have to show Parker doing this earlier in the movie to set it up that this is how he deals with people he wants to kill. The opening scenes didn't add anything for me, why don't you use them to show Parker capturing someone, then taking them out and killing them in a showdown in the street.
  
  Overall though, really enjoyable, good read. Well done. read
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  A LITTLE TOO MUCH GOING ON, BUT I LIKE WHERE YOU'RE HEADED
  A review of The Sheriff of Mount Stone
  by CrabbyLady on 08/23/2011
  You have what I feel is a very interesting premise, and some good moments and good characters. However, it also seemed to me that way too much was going on, and if you streamlined a bit more, it would help in the long run. As mentioned, your premise is quite good with a corrupt sheriff with his hands in just about everything, and a young boy caught up in a situation not of... You have what I feel is a very interesting premise, and some good moments and good characters. However, it also seemed to me that way too much was going on, and if you streamlined a bit more, it would help in the long run.
  
  As mentioned, your premise is quite good with a corrupt sheriff with his hands in just about everything, and a young boy caught up in a situation not of his making. You open very nicely with the theft and then surprising your readers with who, exactly, did the crime. You also do a very nice job with Edith and Burns and the situation that happens between them. It was very well written and you have quite a surprise in the midst of it all.
  
  Then things seemed to get a little out of hand. I do like that you have just about everyone caught up in the race to capture Burns and who is double crossing whom, but get to the point quicker. Burns hiding out in the rain, then bartering for a room and so on is good, however, bring out his situation a little more. Perhaps if he realizes there is more than one (or even two) people on his tail; that would cause the shakes in anyone. Perhaps getting more and more determined to prove his innocence. I wasn't quite sure I bought that he would get so drunk, and then spill his guts to a prostitute, as I wasn't sure he would be that careless. After all, he knows there is a price on his head. It led to him being quite human, but I still didn't quite buy it. And even though you didn't go on too much about it, the "whore with a heart of gold" is a bit cliched. On that note, would he be so careless as to just carelessly reach in his satchel and show off all the money he had? I know he's young, but I just would have liked him to be a little more careful.
  
  Get the bad men moving more as well. The idea that everyone thinks he's going South, only to find out he's not, is fine but even in the Old West the idea of getting hundreds of dollars for a kill would have them eager to find him. It almost seemed as if they were all (almost) taking their time. You could also throw in a tad bit of humor if one shows up, then another, then another, asking the same thing ("have you seen this kid") or all of them showing up almost at once. I understand this is a drama and you don't want it going off in all directions, but that could almost be a fun aspect. After all, what WOULD happen if they all converged at once?
  
  Your scene where Burns walks right into the town to "hide out" with the sheriff who is after him is nicely done. It does add the right amount of suspense and the question of what's going to happen next?
  
  It also seemed that having so many people involved led to a lot - A LOT - of shootouts, and even though it's the Old West, it seemed a bit much. The final one between Kent and Parker was good, especially with the townspeople standing around. It would have been that much better if we hadn't seen so much bloodshed earlier and we're left wondering what's going to happen. I'm not saying people shouldn't die; but maybe if we get an idea of what will happen, rather than actually see it. I like the tension it could cause if you described someone sneaking up on someone, or advancing on someone, or a gun shown pointed at someone.
  
  You do have nice scenes with the digging of the graves when someone (who is usually hiding from the law) comes into town, and that's a nice touch. Perhaps let us see Ramon and Leach a bit more though; they came into town, almost shoot each other, they dug graves and then disappeared. If you just wanted to set up the 'digging' aspect, let us have a scene where Ramon and Leach decide to stay or not; perhaps just decide to lay low and not cause trouble. It seems now that they arrive and then they're gone. It was just a bit too abrupt for me.
  
  I do like where you are headed with this. It starts off small, so to speak, and then grows into a full on "who's going to get him first". Definitely keep your opening scenes, the town where people hide out, and the digging of the graves. Those are quite good and most definitely add to your SP. Focus a bit more on the sheriffs (and there are a few) and who exactly is going after whom.
  
  Your final scene was also a very nice touch and I admit had me laughing a bit. It was sad and shocking and very appropriate. Whatever you decide to do, however, keep going and the best of luck to you! read