Reviews of THE TEN-TIMER (Rev.) 27

• 
  The Ten-Timer
  A review of THE TEN-TIMER (Rev.)
  by ke.courier12 on 09/08/2007
  Congratulations for having the screenplay of the month. It was one of the strongest scripts that I have ever read on Trigger Street. I know I am only a green screenwriter, but I have some ideas for your script. According to Script Shark, your subplot of Katy could be changed, have you thought of making her bisexual? This way your protagonist could still misunderstand, but... Congratulations for having the screenplay of the month. It was one of the strongest scripts that I have ever read on Trigger Street.
  
  I know I am only a green screenwriter, but I have some ideas for your script. According to Script Shark, your subplot of Katy could be changed, have you thought of making her bisexual? This way your protagonist could still misunderstand, but he would find that she really loves him at the end.
  
  Also, as an Asian, I have some ideas for making your Janet funnier, or at least to people that I know. Have you thought of her drawing manga versions of Moll? With those huge eyes and all?
  
  Thanks for sharing with TS your script, hope my suggestions helpful. read
• 
  Fun
  A review of THE TEN-TIMER (Rev.)
  by wavefilms on 08/12/2007
  Not a deep thinker nor a blindingly brilliant comedy. But definitely a decent screenplay. Adheres to the standard story structure and consequently is predictable, as are the characters, but is a full bodied work. Reminds us of "Gradma's Boy", but far better. The concept was the most interesting element, and also there are some strong lines - a prerequsite for a comedy... Not a deep thinker nor a blindingly brilliant comedy. But definitely a decent screenplay. Adheres to the standard story structure and consequently is predictable, as are the characters, but is a full bodied work. Reminds us of "Gradma's Boy", but far better. The concept was the most interesting element, and also there are some strong lines - a prerequsite for a comedy. So whilst this was a predicable and standard story in terms of plot and characters, the lines were there to sustain the reader's interest. Could be produced on a low budget, which would be appealing to a studio, but is unlikely to gross huge amounts. read
• 
  Another fun read
  A review of THE TEN-TIMER (Rev.)
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 08/05/2007
  Well, this script certainly didn't disappoint. 9/11 KEVIN is still my favorite, but TEN-TIMER has a better, more commercial premise. And it's definitely high-concept, you pretty much get a sense of what the story is about from the title alone. And it reminded me a lot of 40 YEAR-OLD VIRGIN. Except without all the not having sex and stuff. All in all, this is very close to being... Well, this script certainly didn't disappoint. 9/11 KEVIN is still my favorite, but TEN-TIMER has a better, more commercial premise. And it's definitely high-concept, you pretty much get a sense of what the story is about from the title alone. And it reminded me a lot of 40 YEAR-OLD VIRGIN. Except without all the not having sex and stuff. All in all, this is very close to being a professional quality spec. Now, I'm pretty much gonna skip over most of my positive comments, because, I'm guessing, you already know you're a good writer and have a talent for comedy and quirky characters. So no need to bore you by repeating myself there. Let me just say this: I loved the parts with Richard Moll, and wish there was a little more of him. I really think you could've milked the joke of Teddy ruining Richard's performance at least one more time. Also, his monologues during those sequences were hilarious. I could totally see Moll's deadpan delivery in my head and it made me laugh. So I kinda have to disagree with ScriptShark here, I don't think you can just drop in any old 80's actor into the "Richard Moll role" and make it work. Fortunately, you don't have to worry about that. And I just can't believe they singled out your inclusion of Moll and said nothing about your Andrew Lloyd Webber cameo. After completely desecrating the man's oeuvure I think you're gonna get a tough time getting him to sign on.
  
  Anyway, now for the part you've been waiting for: the merciless criticism.
  
  And unfortunately, I only have three main things to say. And one of them you really shouldn't pay any attention to.
  
  So, let's start with that one: there's too many women in this and it gets a little confusing at times. Having Teddy juggling four women would be far more managable and give you enough room to set up your jokes properly without having to rush through so fast or juggle so much. However, FIVE-TIMER sounds kinda lame. TEN-TIMER sounds perfect. And for a spec, concept is king. So keep the 9+1 women, even if it is a little unmanageable at times.
  
  As for my second criticism, it's pretty minor. I think you need to expand the scene where Teddy and Katy first meet. The sign on the back is a nice cute meet. But the audience really needs to fall in love with Katy right off the bat. And there needs to be another page or two with Katy for this to happen. This is also important since so much time elapses between their first and second meeting. Katy should have also fallen for Teddy at their first meeting, and although we can buy into the 'love at first sight' for Teddy, for Katy there should be a little more than just Teddy's looks to get her hooked.
  
  Okay, I just thought of something else, so I guess that's four criticisms: I also think Teddy accepts the fact that Katy is a lesbian a little too quickly. After he overhears her comment he shouldn't give up immediately. He should still go up to her. And then he should misinterpret something that she says, or that happens and only then becomes convinced she's gay. But he should definitely see her after the speed date.
  
  Okay, now, here's my one major criticism: Teddy's motivation. I love the premise and the execution. That's great. And I can see the trailer in my head already. But Teddy goes to soooo much trouble and spends sooo much money to keep these women happy, I think you need to give him a bit more of a reason. I mean, you do give a reason, and it works, but I think it needs to be more dramatic, is probably the best way of putting it. You touch on the fact that Teddy is becoming more like his dad. And Teddy hates this. And this certainly seems to motivate him. So instead of focusing so much on the promise to his mom, which is kinda weak, why not have Teddy's mom convince him that he's doomed to become just like his dad because he always hurts the women in his life. She can make it seem to be like a curse. And the only way for Teddy to break this curse is to go a certain amount of time without hurting any women's feelings. His mom could be convinced that Teddy can't pull it off and that he's doomed to become just like his dad. Teddy would obviously not take the curse too seriously, until he 'kills his mom'. By focusing on Teddy trying to 'break his curse' that would give him more concrete motivation for going the extra mile with these girls. Because the whole mother's promise thing really loses impact after a while since she's out of the story after the first act. Also, this could add more depth and nuance to his developing relationship with his dad. So, in the end, he breaks the curse, because he finally understands what made his dad the way he is. And by helping his dad to reverse this, he breaks the curse. And in return his dad helps him out, which is something he never did before. I just think the 'curse' angle would really highlight and accentuate all the character stuff you already have going on. And really give Teddy some stronger motivation for going to hell and back.
  
  Okay, now I just thought of something else that seriously needs to be addressed. On p. 14 you refer to Teddy 'doing a 360', when in fact, he only does a 180. This completely took me out of the story.
  
  Anyway, now I'm gonna run off and read the ScriptShark comments. Be right back...
  
  Okay, so SS did mention ALW, but completely missed the 360. Overall, though, I must say, that was some very insigh read
• 
  Ten Timer Review
  A review of THE TEN-TIMER (Rev.)
  by wridget on 07/13/2007
  The very first thing that sticks out about this script is how polished it is. I don't know how many revisions you've done on this, but it feels like a lot. It's really well paced, there's absolutely no flab here. It's sleek and moves very well. The characters are all very distinctive, if in a charicatured sort of way. But I understand the need for that, what with so... The very first thing that sticks out about this script is how polished it is. I don't know how many revisions you've done on this, but it feels like a lot. It's really well paced, there's absolutely no flab here. It's sleek and moves very well.
  
  The characters are all very distinctive, if in a charicatured sort of way. But I understand the need for that, what with so many girls Teddy is juggling, you sort of had to exaggerate them to keep the script moving at the pace it needed to. The surprise with Didi was nice, but I found myself hoping for other characters to break out of their fairly stereotypical confines.
  
  Teddy made a very strong protagonist, and I was impressed with the character of Katy. She's probably the most understated character in the whole script, which works really well in contrast with the more cartoony women Teddy is involved with. And yet, she never comes off as Generic Romantic Love Interest, something that plagues a lot of scripts on this site, and many movies that get made for that matter. So good work there.
  
  The main problem with this screenplay for me was that I tended to admire its craftsmanship rather than actually enjoy it as a story. You had some interesting characters, strong dialogue, and you obviously know how to write very funny comic situations. But it just wasn't enough to distract me from the fact that I've seen this before, and that made it a bit of a struggle to get through.
  
  I never became engaged with the story because I knew where it was going from simply reading the synopsis, and was never thrown any curves. The story progressed exactly as I expected it would. Guy gets involved with too many women, which leads to many close calls, and interferes with the one woman he wants. Sure, you executed this storyline with panache. But I wanted some sort of new twist, and never got one. It was funny, but the plot seemed absolutely standard, with the only invention being to up the ante to a more absurd extreme.
  
  Part of this might be that I'm the wrong audience for this screenplay. I'll admit to being a total indie film snob. And what you have here is a big, shiny mainstream comedy that's put together incredibly well, but with no surprises. But that's a perfectly valid sort of script to write, and you've written it perfectly. Well, almost.
  
  The one thing that really bothered me was the ending. All these women just get over this insidious betrayal, and like the guy again? Not even one of them is so much as mad at Teddy? It was incredibly unbelievable, and it really undercut Teddy's transformation at the end. Why should he change when it turns out there were absolutely no lasting consequences to any of his actions? I can understand maybe one of the girls seeing him later and understanding, like the scene you have with Fantana. But all of them? It seemed way too easy a resolution. If you wanted to extend the script a bit to show Teddy trying, and occassionally failing to make restitution, that might work. But as it stands now, it rings really hollow.
  
  Overall, this in a very well written, very marketable script. It just wasn't my cup of tea. read
• 
  Romantic Comedy with a Twist
  A review of THE TEN-TIMER (Rev.)
  by Terri84 on 07/08/2007
  The script has a great opening with the flashback to his childhood, revealing everything we needs to know about he main character. It is however, a bit more serious in tone than the rest of the script. The characters have very unique characteristics that make the character stand out as something new to the genre. I think the speed dating scene was the strongest out of the... The script has a great opening with the flashback to his childhood, revealing everything we needs to know about he main character. It is however, a bit more serious in tone than the rest of the script.
  
  The characters have very unique characteristics that make the character stand out as something new to the genre.
  
  I think the speed dating scene was the strongest out of the whole script, the way the character BSed his way through the night.
  
  This script has the classic romantic comdey feel, but it is packaged in a great original idea that gives room for wonderful twists and turns, which this script certainly has. read
• 
  Parts Were Perfect
  A review of THE TEN-TIMER (Rev.)
  by philsteiner on 07/05/2007
  There were some very clever and funny scenes – but not enough to sustain this screenplay. The first 10-1/2 pages were – what I would consider - close to perfect. But the next 90 pages were for the most part – painful to sludge through. There is a core of a good story here – or, maybe more accurately – parts of a good story. But to make it to the screen – it would require... There were some very clever and funny scenes – but not enough to sustain this screenplay. The first 10-1/2 pages were – what I would consider - close to perfect. But the next 90 pages were for the most part – painful to sludge through. There is a core of a good story here – or, maybe more accurately – parts of a good story. But to make it to the screen – it would require a major rewrite.
  
  I liked the continuity of the brother relationship in later life – and the post-it notes running gag. The speed dating concept was fine and the initial meetings were entertaining and quickly and adeptly handled. But then to carry on with each of the ladies was just too much information to have to deal with. There were just too many story lines – too many people. I found myself not caring about anyone but the mother and myself. Mom dies on page 11 and I’m left to finish the reading the script alone and without a friend. Dad emerged toward the end as a wise mentor – but by that time I was lost and longing for page 101.
  
  In addition to funny scenes – there were individual segments that were funny with very original humor. However, there were scenes that were just a little too silly and forced. The coffin top popping up with sound effects during mom’s funeral was way over the top. Being buried in a side show horror house prop may have worked.
  
  Teddy’s inanimate friends were inspired - and I particularly liked the group drinking party. The little ducking was a wonderful running metaphor. The parent’s fights were heartbreaking when the children were young – and the “gifts” that Teddy provided his parents afterwards were touching. I also liked the whole “Happy-Fun-Family-Place” running concept – and whether Randall was allowed in or out.
  
  I don’t think there needed to be a lot of sexual descriptions – but – I believe we needed a little more than just “kisses” at least with one or two of the ladies. I also had a problem with all the coincidental running into the wrong people at the wrong time.
  
  I wouldn’t quit on this screenplay. The writers know how to write – they just need a tighter and simpler story.
  
  
  
  read
• 
  10x Review.
  A review of THE TEN-TIMER (Rev.)
  by Dominic.Jenkinson on 07/03/2007
  Well done on a very well written and proffesional screenplay. This is an example of a scrennplay that I found very impressive, yet I don't think I enjoyed the movie. The writing, presentation, format, structure is so damn proffesional that I found I didn't make hardly a single note. I found some scenes very funny, the dialogue sharp, and the all round story just ready to... Well done on a very well written and proffesional screenplay. This is an example of a scrennplay that I found very impressive, yet I don't think I enjoyed the movie.
  
  The writing, presentation, format, structure is so damn proffesional that I found I didn't make hardly a single note.
  
  I found some scenes very funny, the dialogue sharp, and the all round story just ready to be put into production. Yet I'm left slightly cold.
  
  I think this is because of one of two reasons. A, I just didn't think this movie was my cup of tea, or B, it just seemed a bit formulaic.
  
  The juxtaposition of being very impressed with something, and not loving it makes this difficult to review, but in a debate between my feelings, the positives outweigh the negatives... even the picking on Brit's teeth, again... because to be fair, that is true...
  
  I found some very funny lines in this script, (The prepared speech for Linsey, big yeast injection? Brenda: Aren't you the slave trader doing business with my ex-husband?) and whats more, some very funny scenes. The scenes with Gladiola's cats (administering the medicine) were very funny.)
  
  The odd joke or line I thought needed tweaking. Sometimes administering timing on the page was off, hopefully the actors would sort this out for themselves... example: PG16 Halo. . . Because we're all christ's children. (I think the pause is needed.)
  
  As a Brit reading this I wondered about my European brothers reactions to Richard Moll, Precious Moments, Ziggy et al, I had to use wikipedia and google on several occasions. Maybe a European cut could show a bit more of Moll's background?
  
  The British accent stuff on Pg 18 was very funny though, and we would all get a kick out of that.
  
  The Phat Ass reference, unless I see the sign on the outside of the factory/offices, I'm only going to hear 'fat ass.'
  
  The story was pretty good. I thought you made a brave choice to go with ten girls, (katy aside) I thought Ilsa, Brenda, Didi, Fantana, Henri -- Hank, Gladiola, Ariel, and Janet (who I felt sorry for until the pay off...) were strongly enough written. I was waiting for you to cheat and leave them out the story, but you kept returning to them, well done.
  
  Whether as a consequence, Katy is left to whither a little... I'm not sure. I never took her for a lesbian, and the romance between her and Teddy didn't work that well.
  
  I can forgive that, and some of the cliche, because as a whole the movie feels complete. There isn't a strand left untied, and I'm sure the audience would walk away feeling satisfied. You get high marks from me for this one, I just didn't enjoy the movie that much,
  
  Good luck with making a sale on this,
  
  DJ. read
• 
  Funny Funny Funny---but...
  A review of THE TEN-TIMER (Rev.)
  by Jesseramshaw on 06/26/2007
  I just finished reading this screenplay and there is much to be said. The begining starts rather well, not the greatest but well; the girl on the bus thing is kind of useless in my eyes, but then again, I'm only one person. Teddy I find is a good character; he always wants to do good, and that makes him lovable. Sometimes he just blurts off needles swares, and that really... I just finished reading this screenplay and there is much to be said.
  The begining starts rather well, not the greatest but well; the girl on the bus thing is kind of useless in my eyes, but then again, I'm only one person.
  Teddy I find is a good character; he always wants to do good, and that makes him lovable. Sometimes he just blurts off needles swares, and that really tickes me off. He gives of 3 f-bombs in a row, and for what? NO REASON.
  Katy is realy good too; I just realy hated the first stuff with her and the 'nuts' thing. CUT.
  Randall is pretty cool. He seems like the classic brother that can get annoying at times.
  Lloyd is the worst characters I have ever read. He is annoying and I almost felt like scipping his scenes. One of his scenes make me skin get goosebumps because I thought it was good; but I'll talk about that later.
  
  But I must say, overall the whole screenplay was so funny I laughted so hard. The best scene is when Randall comes over to Brenda's house and pretends to be gay with Teddy. That was the ultimate best. Only the scene's enjoyability was split in half when all the 4-letter words come into useage.
  
  Swaring: With out the swaring this would make a PG rating (or possibly PG-thirteen). Lloyd realy ruined everything. Teddy is supossed to be a nice lovable character, but all that needless swaring takes away from his good personality.
  
  The Nine Girls are perfet. They work realy great, except for the lezbo.
  
  Ending workes good. Lloyd gives one of the best scenes when he is talking with Katy at the end.
  Teddy's confession is done prefesionaly.
  
  A must read screenplay that would make a perfect movie if swaring is gone and a few other minor things (such as: butt plug. the cat shaving thing is funny, but the coat would not help because people are allergic to only the saliva of cats.)
  
  read
• 
  Review of
  A review of THE TEN-TIMER (Rev.)
  by grey on 02/27/2007
  Reading this script was agony. I don’t think I’ve ever taken so many notes to keep characters straight in my head before. But it was well worth it because this script is funny, funny, funny! The story has an inviting opening scene and is set up by page 11 where the premise is introduced: Teddy promises never to hurt another woman. It continues on at a nice clip from there... Reading this script was agony. I don’t think I’ve ever taken so many notes to keep characters straight in my head before. But it was well worth it because this script is funny, funny, funny!
  
  The story has an inviting opening scene and is set up by page 11 where the premise is introduced: Teddy promises never to hurt another woman. It continues on at a nice clip from there. And though the comic concept of one man trying to keep many women happy is one I’ve seen before, this is an entertaining take on it.
  
  The characters are well defined, strong visually, and likeable; although I did find Teddy talking to Jerry, the dummy, a bit creepy (perhaps its presence could be mentioned as a previous job failure?). The clever dialogue suits them all and only occasionally tried too hard for a laugh (I think armpit licking might be better off suggested rather than shown – ack!).
  
  The script has a nice polish to it. One scene flows effortlessly to the next with keen visual transitions and even aural transitions. The writers understand how to set up comedic situations, such as the preacher using the same eulogy for Lindsey and Teddy’s mother (I had hoped to hear it for Calamity Jane also, but that’s just me). This is also one of the few comedies I’ve read where I got a good feel for an actor’s timing. It was also nice to see information from one scene linking up with a subsequent scene, such as the origin of the “HappyFunFamilyPlace”. This kind of detail is what gives any story a firm foundation.
  
  The dialogue is solid, but could still be trimmed down by letting the action block tell the story, for example on page 9, Teddy doesn’t have to mention the bus horn and screams, the sound of it over the phone is enough.
  
  With all that’s good here, I do believe there were some areas that fell short.
  
  The first was all the accidental meetings: on pg. 34, Teddy and Katy just happen to run into each other while jogging; they meet again on pg. 49 at the carnival; again with Ilsa on pg. 39, etc. More than one occurrence is not believable. A situation needs to be created to make this possible. It occurred to me that Katy could hand out coupons to these places to the people who showed up at her speed-dating business.
  
  The idea of the duckling is nice, but I think it should be introduced earlier, maybe Teddy could watch it hatch or save it’s life some how, tie in the reason for the name, Lurch.
  
  The previous issues were minor, but this last is, in my opinion, a real flaw. Katy, the female lead in this romantic comedy, is a minor character in this screenplay. There’s not enough push and pull between her and Teddy. She needs a better reason to be around Teddy, and she needs more screen time. Maybe Lloyd or Randall could invest in her business - this would allow her to run into Teddy more often and it would be logical. Why has she made him her project? Apart from telling Teddy he should make himself happy, what is her purpose in this story? Who is she?
  
  Apart from these few reservations, I believe this is a good story from two talented writers. Good Luck to you.
  
  
  
  read
• 
  There's Something about Katy....
  A review of THE TEN-TIMER (Rev.)
  by LippyONE on 02/21/2007
  Overall the Ten-Timer is a very nicely done comedy similar in tone to a Farrely Brother’s movie. Like all great comedies it is born from a ‘what would happen if’ question. In this case the question might have been “what would happen if a guy feels bad for all of his speed dating partners and enters into a relationship with each of them?”. To complicate matters further his... Overall the Ten-Timer is a very nicely done comedy similar in tone to a Farrely Brother’s movie. Like all great comedies it is born from a ‘what would happen if’ question. In this case the question might have been “what would happen if a guy feels bad for all of his speed dating partners and enters into a relationship with each of them?”. To complicate matters further his mother is guilting him from the grave, he is in unrequited love with the speed dating manager, and has created an alter-ego for each of his 9 new girlfriends. The story moves at a brisk pace and has nice touches all along. Teddy’s relationship with his mother, brother, and father are all explored and each add a separate but unified theme of the movie. Some pretty complex character development and plotting is handled well by the screenwriter. The dialogue throughout is pretty good. In some cases the humor is subtle and in other cases it is laugh out loud funny and/or gross out. The fact that all of this comedy works so well together is a testament to the writer.
  
  On the critical side of the equation…I didn’t like the Richard Moll plotline. I understand you have him attached so I wouldn’t suggest dropping it. But his one man play lacks the humor I think you were going for. Maybe I totally missed the humor and/or the point. But I would suggest punching that up. That said I loved the last scene with Richard Moll. It was very well done.
  
  Also Katy being a lesbian seemed to be an obvious blow-off on her part of comb-over guy. I would suggest a scene where Teddy sees Katy with a woman and from the angle he sees her it looks like they are kissing, but the reveal shows it is something else. This would compound the misunderstanding and let the audience in on what it is bound to suspect from the beginning.
  
  I understand the name of the movie is the ten-timer but I found the story having 9 other girls involved very confusing at times. That said the title is clever and wouldn’t be clever at all if it were named the five-timer. So I can’t legitimately suggest you get rid of some of the girls. I’m sure in a filmed version (being able to see the characters) it would be far less confusing. You use montage-type schemes very effectively. But it feels like montage or rapid updates are overused.
  
  The plot is strong, the characters are well drawn, the pacing is good, the themes are strong, character evolve, conflict is resolved, there is humor at every turn….but at the end it felt like something was missing. I can’t put my finger on it, but I think it has something to do with how quickly and rapidly everything seemed to resolve itself in ACT III. ACT II was so filled with action that I felt a bit unnerved by the final act. Maybe I didn’t buy Katy falling in love with Teddy. I’m not sure. That said, as written this screenplay is excellent and would translate into a satisfying movie going experience. Congrats.
  
  As I always do I am including my read-through notes below. They are raw and unedited but probably could give you some insights.
  
  
  Early 80s Teddy has rich fantasy life to detach from his tough home...mom seems loving enough.
  
  Show teddy has a way w/ the ladies as a boy...not a looker but....
  
  Lindsey's death is quite a jolt. Will we see Katy again?
  
  Seems odd that Teddy would tell his mom he was breaking up with Lindsey. Also was her death suicide? after 2 weeks I think that's odd...wouldn't she at least plead for him to take her back? It strikes me as odd.
  
  His mom's death moments later...I'm sensing we're in a comedy...confirmed by the casket...great tone. Very funny.
  
  Lloyds line about Melvin is a little on the nose.
  
  Speed dating scene(s) are very funny. But drag on a bit. I'm guessing there is a reason we need to get into such detail with each date, but if not I'd suggest tightening up a little.
  
  Night Court was a great show! Though it might be fading in the memories of audiences.
  
  Katy says she doesn't date guys...I'm guessing this is her standard brush-off. But Teddy bought it.
  
  Big yeast injection...yuck.
  
  Feral mounds of armpit hair...double yuck.
  
  Lloyd and katy- on the nose.
  MONTAGE---well done.
  ACT III break- they are together...he passes out...funny scene. Although teddy apologizing for passing out is technically wrong...people do not remember the 30 seconds before they fall asleep...it's a brain thing. So technically he wouldn't know he passed out he would be confused...thinking did we do it last night....technically speaking that is.
  
  The 27th looms large...
  
  The invites from all the girls...you need to write each of them out...unless it is just the 3 we can read.
  
  Jackson polyp (ha) Jane Espenson would call that a 2%...check out her site: http://www.janeespenson.com/
  
  Charlene butt plug scene is hilarious.
  
  Page 78...i'm getting the feeling the climax will be the scene at Webber World where Teddy comes clean to all his girlfriends..
  
  Shaved cats...very funny visual..cat suit is nutty and very funny.
  
  10 envelopes...but I thought Didi said they were broken up.
  
  Page 84 Cast should be ALL CAPS
  
  Obviously getting permission to use copywritten material from ALW will be a key This might be more complicated (and expensive) than you think I'm not sure if there is a single copyright owner.
  
  Randall on stage...why are they playing his music...maybe you show a guy passed out and tied up back stage reacting to hearing him sing.
  
  Andrew Lloyd Webber slap is a nice touch....if you can get him great...if not just delete.
  
  Richard Moll scene at end works for me. Nice social commentary weaved into scene, but not overdone.
  
  Angel..nice touch.
  
  If Teddy is a sponsor at Liars Anonymous that would denote the passage of time (months) read