Reviews of The Winter Plantation 12

• 
  The Winter Plantation
  A review of The Winter Plantation
  by Shibby on 03/17/2011
  Hey Michael, I just finished reading “The Winter Plantation”, and I thought the script had a pretty interesting concept. The story came along nicely, and I found myself constantly wondering what was going to happen next. For the constructive criticism: I thought the dialogue was decent for the most part, though it was pretty weak at some points in the script and didn't... Hey Michael,
  
  I just finished reading “The Winter Plantation”, and I thought the script had a pretty interesting concept. The story came along nicely, and I found myself constantly wondering what was going to happen next.
  
  For the constructive criticism:
  
  I thought the dialogue was decent for the most part, though it was pretty weak at some points in the script and didn't really sound authentic.
  
  The dream sequence was interesting, but I found myself wondering if it was good for the story or not. I guess it was good in that it helped to show the supernatural element of the house, but I also found myself thinking that it was distracting.
  
  I'm still not particularly sure why Mae Ross killed Melissa. The whole thing with the camera being there for no reason other than to broadcast her death to the rest of the group was odd as well.
  
  At times it felt that there were too many characters being thrown at the reader. For instance, was Chet really needed? Given the way he first appeared, it seemed that there would be something dark related to him, but he just turned out to be an addition to the crew.
  
  It seemed like there was something missing from the last few scenes. I felt that the transitions towards the end were pretty abrupt. The end also didn't make much sense to me. It seems that the spirit of hate was killed, Mae Ross' spirit was free, and yet evil still somehow won.
  
  Overall, good job, though I feel that this would play better if they weren't able to leave the mansion after they first entered and, as I said before, without the dream sequence. read
• 
  Stellar work. Kudos.
  A review of The Winter Plantation
  by codyfsw on 03/05/2011
  First and foremost: I'm not a big fan of the "horror" genre. I feel that "horror" and "gore" are commonly transposed titles. "Winter Plantation" brings horror back to the roots of thriller and suspense. This screenplay was a refreshing work of the genre that sent a few chills into me while reading. Very cool concept. There are tidbits of excellent character throughout. I... First and foremost: I'm not a big fan of the "horror" genre. I feel that "horror" and "gore" are commonly transposed titles. "Winter Plantation" brings horror back to the roots of thriller and suspense. This screenplay was a refreshing work of the genre that sent a few chills into me while reading. Very cool concept.
  
  There are tidbits of excellent character throughout. I particularly found the Whiley's to be some cool little characters. Otis has a particular image as well, I'd like to see who would be cast and the actual physical appearance.
  
  Now on a very positive note, I had opened notepad and had intended on writing in small typos or just little what I thought I would have here and there notes... however I had only three by the end. Not because I didn't see them or think it, but because I just didn't want to stop reading to note those things. Once you caught me, you had me for the majority of the story. Especially between pages (roughly) 20-45 it had me reading frantically! Anyhow here are the three I did manage to jot down:
  
  pg 26. I think when Adam reflects on trying to get rid of the memory it should have read a little more simple like "Ive spent most of my adult life trying to turn this place into a dream." not necessarily stating Sarah dug it up.
  
  pg. 42. -passage of time. They're in the house waiting out the storm. It does state in the text that they wait around (and I dont know if its proper format or not) but when I have a scene that has a passage of time I'll usually throw a little "LATER" in there just to make sure.
  
  53. BILL. I think this was the first time we met him. Wasn't capitalized... little typo.
  
  I will be giving a few scenes a re-read just because there was so much going on and a lot to take in. Now this (as well as other elements) will be a lot more clear when on film. The scene where they all first go into the dream. When we get into the house party, it was a bit difficult to follow what role everyone had... but like I said, once its on film, I really feel it'll be a much easier scene to follow. The writing just gets a little thick trying to get the amount of information down on the page.
  
  Now I found one scene ended a little corny. On page 88 when Adam is talking to David Winter the conversation is really tense. When David exits on the horse though it seems a little out of place. I feel getting up and walking out would let that tension hang a little tighter. These things though depend on the directing and VFX. Done well it could be one hell of a cap to the scene. As well as the vaporizing of the dead. It just all depends on the art department.
  
  The kiss that Russell and Lauryn have is a bit left field. I don't know if I had gotten a real sense of their attraction any time before. Then again, the threat of death is said to be an afrodisiac, in which case that may excuse it.
  
  Little tid-bits of dialogue had seemed a little too expositional, on the nose, or redundant of information already know or that has been insinuated already. For example the talk between Adam and his grandmother in the end. These I feel are in all screenplays though and are ultimately little kinks that can only be worked out on the stage with the actor. Or in the editing room when the last "re-write" happens.
  
  Good job with keeping all the racial topics and subject matter conducive to the story. This script is a great chance for some african-american actors who are coming up or not yet found to get into a well written role. I just don't find a lot of black characters in screenplays these days. Refreshing.
  
  I really like a lot of the back story to the plantation as well as the residents reaction to Adam. It keeps the pace moving forward till we get to the plantation. And as for a title, its catchy yet ambiguous enough to intrigue someone.
  
  Overall good job guys! A few more small re-writes will make this piece ready to shop around! I do believe its worth a studios time. Very marketable stuff that doesn't disappoint with a last minute twist that grabs you once more before you get up out of your seat. read
• 
  "Next Saturday night, we're sending you back...to the haunted house!"
  A review of The Winter Plantation
  by alexbrewer on 03/05/2011
  I'm a sucker for haunted house stories, so I had some fun with this. My favorite spooky bits were the cataract man and Malcom asking "Did’ya read it out loud?", and I also enjoyed a lot of early stuff inside the house. Liked the odd bits of humor too, like Melissa's "That tall one was salty" line and Adam's "School project" line. The dialogue was a big issue for me here, and... I'm a sucker for haunted house stories, so I had some fun with this. My favorite spooky bits were the cataract man and Malcom asking "Did’ya read it out loud?", and I also enjoyed a lot of early stuff inside the house. Liked the odd bits of humor too, like Melissa's "That tall one was salty" line and Adam's "School project" line.
  
  The dialogue was a big issue for me here, and I think you guys should watch out for that. Much of the time it didn't feel believable to me. Before you give any character a line, ask yourself if you can really believe someone saying it in that situation. I made a list of spots that troubled me, and I tried to explain the reason in each case, but be warned that these are quite subjective.
  
  2 -- "I didn’t expect to be the topic of your senior thesis, Sarah." (Feels on-the-nose and expository. A lot of the dialogue in this scene has a similar feel to it.)
  4 -- "The Winter Plantation in all her splendor." ("splendor" is one of those words that people rarely say)
  6 -- "This is your family’s plantation? But you grew up in LA, right?" (expository)
  6 -- "Caused my stomach to cramp from fear." (would someone really say this?)
  6 -- "That’s gross, but strangely intriguing." (or say that?)
  9-10 -- (Really expository here. Try just giving some pieces instead of dumping all the info at once.)
  11 -- "My old man was a drunk..." (Expository)
  22 -- "I’m jazzed and whatnot." (on-the-nose/unnatural)
  23 -- "That’s a creepy, creepy old man." (on-the-nose/unnatural)
  25 -- "I feel like I’m in the jungle..." (unnecessary)
  26 -- "I can’t believe I’m here with you. I’ve always been fascinated with your family Plantation." (on-the-nose)
  26 -- "Right around that corner, your past will reveal itself." (unnatural)
  26 -- "I’ve spent most of my adult life trying to forget the past..." (unnatural)
  27 -- You wouldn’t think something so beautiful could have the reputation of being a mecca of bloodshed." (unnatural)
  29 -- "Some weird **** going on here already." (on-the-nose)
  33 -- "I’m not afraid of where I come from." (on-the-nose/unnatural)
  37 -- "I’m totally freaking out." (on-the-nose)
  47 -- "I do not know, cousin Addison" (expository)
  56 -- "Of course people are watching, I am a very pretty girl." (on-the-nose/unnatural phrasing, but kind of funny)
  58 -- "OK, we’re in over our heads." (on-the-nose)
  63 -- "You will be hearing from my lawyer." (A little too silly. What is she suing him for? And how does she have any kind of case?)
  64 -- "Remind me why we’re still here?" "For me. I didn’t have the same dream you guys had..." (expository -- Adam would've told them this by now, probably during the half-mile walk back to the hotel.)
  65 -- "yes, the plantation is so haunted... no, I’m not kidding!" (expository -- one-sided phone conversations like this are a pet peeve of mine -- "Is the plantation haunted?" "Yes, the plantation is so haunted." "You're kidding!" "No, I'm not kidding!" "Why are you repeating everything I'm saying?" "I don't know why I'm repeating everything you're saying.")
  69 -- "Is my father getting freaky in here, gross..." (expository -- "Is your father getting freaky in there?" "Is my father getting freaky in here? Gross." -- I recommend always writing out both sides of a phone conversation, even if you only plan to use one side.)
  74 -- "I have all the research we brought, plus the book Marcus Whiley gave us." (expository -- she would've mentioned this earlier)
  76 -- "...but more importantly, it will hopefully satisfy Mae Ross." (unnatural -- would she really phrase it this way in this circumstance? Sounds too formal.)
  83 -- "It’s time I found out the truth about my family..." (on-the-nose, unnatural, and too long -- they're being chased)
  86 -- "...these funky blankets will be useful in the woods tonight." (unnatural phrasing)
  93 -- "I want a shower, I want my own bed. I miss my dog." (on-the-nose)
  94 -- "...its giving me clarity." (unnatural phrasing -- would he really say "clarity" here?)
  98 -- "His hands were so cold and strong." (unnecessary)
  98 -- "Now you decide to be brave?" (on-the-nose)
  
  
  After 45 pages of a pretty fun haunted house story, we get 17 pages of a fish-out-of-water time travel story, and I wasn't totally thrilled about that. It felt like the story had gone off course, and was steadily moving further and further away from what drew me to the script in the first place. My advice is to make it much shorter (about 10 pages shorter) and instead of making it like a dream, make it a nightmare. Keep it a horror story. Give the kids nightmares about being killed in the ways that people had been killed at the house before, and perhaps give Adam nightmares about committing these murders.
  
  Something else that you should look at is scene length. A lot of scenes in this feel like they're longer than they need to be, and I noticed this from early on. The opening apartment scene, the restaurant scene, the van ride -- all of them felt longer than necessary. I'd recommend going through the whole script and trying to make each scene as short as possible. If you shorten the time travel interlude and work to trim down individual scenes, I think you could easily make this script 20 pages shorter, and it would be better for it in my opinion. Toward the end it was starting to run long for me.
  
  
  MISC NOTES
  
  2 -- Was the fridge door supposed to be a jump scare? I don't think it works.
  4 -- Adam feels too okay with this for someone who was angry about it only minutes earlier.
  8 -- "Can we eat and read? I’m freakin Hank Marvin!" (Still don't get this line, even after looking up who Hank Marvin is.)
  17 -- "Ain’t tryin to scare ya, just tryin to warn ya." (I think you'd be better off dialing back Otis' warning on this page, and dropping this line in particular. These kind of scenes can get silly if taken too far -- Cannibal: The Musical has a great parody of this. There's a clip on YouTube named "Cannibal The Musical - Doomed")
  18 -- If Tom Whiley agreed to keep silent, and his descendants continue to keep silent, doesn't that mean he told his descendants, and thus Tom didn't keep silent?
  21 -- So the cataract man only appeared to Russell through the camera lens, right? I think this should be made a little clearer. Was a little confusing, but a good moment.
  27 -- You might be better off shortening the song a little, as those carved words would probably have to be pretty large to be legible, and I picture this taking up a lot of trunk space.
  32 -- Who's paying the Whiley's now? Wouldn't Adam's mom just sell the house instead of paying caretakers?
  42 -- It seems like there's supposed to be a passage of time here but there's no LATER to tell us that.
  43 -- Gotta say that it's strange that Chet keeps calling everyone "Kid" when he's only a year or two older than the others. I guess that's his thing, but no one's called him on it.
  57 -- Formatting is starting to fall by the wayside. Jean and Michael weren't introduced, and there's no slugline when the girls go upstairs.
  61 -- Is Sarah really the killing type?
  68 -- Why hasn't Adam told them about his dream yet? And couldn't they go to Chet's place? Does Chet have a car? Does he live nearby?
  84 -- If you have the group seen outside through the window here to make it clear that Mae Ross was being raped before, I don't think it's necessary. The audience will catch on, and having the group outside will just confuse people more.
  86 -- Sluglines missing again.
  88 -- Sluglines missing yet again.
  92 -- Edna does too much talking here -- this is a good spot to do some trimming.
  112 -- "Where did it hit you?" (Shouldn't she be hurrying with that spell instead of making idle chatter? Good place for a trim.)
  114 -- Starting to feel kind of silly here with the Spirit of Hate, the overlong spell, and Levi Coffin showing up with his magic war-hammer. Why not keep it in the family? What if the Winters sub in for the Spirit of Hate, and Mae Ross subs in for Levi? Maybe Mae couldn't do it without the spell.
  
  
  TYPOS AND SUCH
  
  Note: I notice you have a lot of run-on sentences in your dialogue. I'm personally not a fan. Here are five examples I found in the first five pages: what we have is what we have, Neverland Ranch, people love ghosts, Norman Bates, let me get my facts straight.
  
  1 -- Several festival film awards (Sounds odd -- why not 'film festival'?)
  3 -- Lauryn gives Adam a QUIZZICAL look.
  4 -- IT'S not exactly Neverland Ranch.
  5 -- Lauryn looks over at Adam WHO'S half in the fridge.
  7 -- RUSSELL PAGE (21), An African American hipster (an)
  10 -- Now IT'S Russell’s turn to be embarrassed.
  14 -- Yes, MA'AM.
  17 -- Winter’s haint ain’t on the tourist maps.
  18 -- Don’t dig TOO deep.
  19 -- RUSSEL (name spelled with one "L" instead of two)
  21 -- RUSSEL
  22 -- then turns back to Chet (no period)
  23 -- I think IT'S that Cali bud.
  23 -- You two are dumb not to think IT'S a big deal.
  (That's enough proofreading for today)
  
  
  Hope this has been helpful, and best of luck with any rewrites.
  read
• 
  Very familiar...
  A review of The Winter Plantation
  by MsDetroit27 on 02/26/2011
  This script reminded me of the Grudge, Bloody Valentine and the Ring combined. I liked the idea of this story but in some scenes I felt like I was reading a book instead of a screenplay. It was a little hard to follow because of comments like "dressed like he came out of Kid Rocks closet" and with comments like that my focus was taken away from the script. I did like the dream... This script reminded me of the Grudge, Bloody Valentine and the Ring combined. I liked the idea of this story but in some scenes I felt like I was reading a book instead of a screenplay. It was a little hard to follow because of comments like "dressed like he came out of Kid Rocks closet" and with comments like that my focus was taken away from the script. I did like the dream sequence; i would try to move some of those scenes to the beginning of the script just to spark peoples attention. Also I understand that thriller screenplays dont usually have happy endings which is okay but I felt Mae Ross character should've came out stronger and with a message; I wanted to see more Mae Ross and less other characters because she had more than enough reason to come back with a vengeance and towards the right people because she was the antagonist in the spirit world. read
• 
  Winter Plantation Review
  A review of The Winter Plantation
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 02/14/2011
  Winter Plantation presents an intriguing concept: going back to the horrors of youth, and the horrors of a past not known about. Adam Winter doesn't know much about his past, though he has these vague notions and flashbacks. One thing is certain--everybody knows about Winter Plantation. Everybody knows about the bad that has gone on there--the evil that envelops it everyday... Winter Plantation presents an intriguing concept: going back to the horrors of youth, and the horrors of a past not known about. Adam Winter doesn't know much about his past, though he has these vague notions and flashbacks. One thing is certain--everybody knows about Winter Plantation. Everybody knows about the bad that has gone on there--the evil that envelops it everyday.
  
  From a set-up standpoint, the script works very well. Adam and Sarah are introduced early, along with their friends. The implied story question is also raised early: Will Sarah finish that amazing thesis project she has in mind, and will they get to see this Winter Plantation? Will they get that scoop that no one else has gotten yet?
  
  As I was reading, I kept envisioning a Blair-Witch kind of story, a documentary style feel that's dark and edgy, and of course, scary.
  
  Here's some of the things that I feel could make the script gel more with its concept:
  
  --Characterization: Sarah and the gang come off as too one-dimensional. Sarah comes off as this bossy film girl, with a dry sense of humor, and her "director" mentality doesn't really see itself through. One would expect a director to be more Type A personality, but Sarah seems to have that in spurts. The rest of the crew comes off as a bunch of alcoholics. At the beginning of the story, before they depart, and also once they find their way to the Winter Plantation, the crew has more than one alcohol reference. Is that their only reason for being out on the shoot? Characters have deep motivations and desires, many of which often are held inside. Try and make that more of a point with these characters. As for Adam, he has a little more depth, but most of that is attributed to his family's backstory, and not his personality early on.
  
  --The dream sequence begins all the madness at the plantation, but I feel this could have been played up more. It seems as though in this story the spirits play a large role in determining the outcome of our characters. It seems as though Mae Ross is willing the crew to save the day, all the while punishing them for being there in the first place. Try and make that dream sequence a little clearer, and a little scarier. Maybe Adam does shoot one of his friends? That would certainly change the dynamic when they morph back to present day.
  
  --The action blocks in the script seem very dense. Part of what makes a screenplay flow is the way it reads on the page. During a lot of the chase sequences (tunnel, dream, etc)there's more than a few paragraphs of action, then a bit of dialogue from a character. I would condense that down, saying things like, "Adam fires, smiles." This is a way of cutting down on all the verbiage, but showing a strong image.
  
  --I was a bit confused with the Mae Ross and Melissa episode. If Mae Ross is a good person, then why would she kill Melissa? Is it because Melissa wanted to expose the truth? It seems as though the bad would come only from the Winters. Try and clear up this dynamic with Mae. Is she truly a good person, seeking the betterment of all those around her? If so, then her killing innocent Melissa (though mouthy), doesn't seem to fit the character.
  
  --Adam's character: I would play up Adam's character more and his relationship to Sarah. They're both at odds at the beginning. Through all the turmoil at the plantation, can Sarah really still stick with her man? Though it is Sarah's thesis project, this seems like Adam's story. How does Adam know about the wine early on? How does Adam react when he comes out of a dream where he was ready to kill his friends? Play Adam up as this twisted, conflicted individual that is getting torn and torn with all that is happening around him. That seems like a nice way of showcasing all the internal and external horror.
  
  --The story quickly shifts from shooting a movie to survival mode. I would try and have more of the shooting take place, perhaps raising the stakes of the story. The crew is out there to get Sarah's thesis project finished. They end up with barely and film shot, though they get those weird happenings on camera. Maybe it'd be better to have them more than halfway through the shoot, going strong, when things go by the wayside. Then, there's an even bigger dilemma: does the crew get out of there, or do they bare through it, to get that amazing film shot? This where Sarah's characterization should be clearer. Given her character, she comes off as someone who would not want to stop the shoot. Tinker with the motivation of the characters.
  
  The ending is nice, and foreshadows a bad end for our characters. That fits into the horror genre. I also like the way you have certain people foreshadow the demise to come, like the Taxi driver. And the caretakers returning is a perfect way to bring them back into the story. All in all, really cool concept, just try and flesh out the characters a bit more. That would make their shoot more interesting. read
• 
  bad to bone
  A review of The Winter Plantation
  by bthielke on 02/11/2011
  This was a very captivating read. Horror isn't my baileywick, but this was a sufficiently creepy story. I have a few thoughts and comments for you- 1. I'd like a little more clarity as to the "rules" of your supernatural world. At first I thought they needed to drink that drink to appear in the dreams, but then the next night it just happened. Also, apparently reading... This was a very captivating read. Horror isn't my baileywick, but this was a sufficiently creepy story. I have a few thoughts and comments for you-
  
  1. I'd like a little more clarity as to the "rules" of your supernatural world. At first I thought they needed to drink that drink to appear in the dreams, but then the next night it just happened. Also, apparently reading the poem on the tree kind of set things in motion.--for some dumb reason I keep thinking about Gremlins and the warning the chinese shop keeper said about not getting them wet, don't let them stay up past midnight. There's a sequence of events that need to occur for the terror to really start. I think it might be good if we knew this (even if the other characters didn't or didn't believe) Maybe at the beginning as part of the lore and legend?
  
  There seems like there needed to be some big supernatural goal, and you had Mae Ross escaping as part of this, but it was not mae that was escaping, it was the other folks that had to escape. It seems like they needed to help Mae's spirit escape so she could be free.
  
  Dialog- I enjoyed it. Once or twice (see page notes) I thought it was overly expository. But all in all I thought the voices of the characters were distinct enough (which is tough considering how many characters you had).
  
  Characters- Seems to me the rules for character development are different in ensemble pieces and you'd have to rely more on archtypes to quickly establish your ensemble. I'd say Sarah and Adam are a bit above that ensemble so you do have to do more character development on them. To be honest I thought sarah melded into the background more than she should have. I think Russell upstaged her in my mind. I'd like Sarah to be more out in front of the charge to get Mae to freedom and/or to stop Adam from turning evil.
  
  Adam is interesting. He seemed like a nice enough guy in the beginning but then by the end he got sucked into the Winter evil. I know horror stories don't usually have deep meaning, but when he decided to go bad and hang out with the ghosts of his ancestors, that sent a message to me that you are destined to be who you are going to be (good or bad) and that you can't rise above it. I know it made for a creepy story choice, but the optimist in me would have hoped that Adam could have overcome his family past and broken the curse of the Winters.
  
  Story- I was taken aback by Mae killing melissa because she didn't help free her from her limbo she was in. One, it sets up an interesting scenario where they really don't have a choice in whether to help Mae or not. You'd always like characters to make a hard choice rather than have No choice in the matter. I thought by having mae's ghost travel to LA to kill melissa and then having the video of the killing appear on the TV in the mansion, that you were bending the rules of your supernatural world. It seems to me that if Mae's ghost could travel anywhere why wouldn't she just take the freedom train route herself?
  
  As Ive mentioned elsewhere, I think you could do a little more to make the motivations for people going or staying a little more reasonable. After the first crazy night at the mansion, I would have paddled through alligators to get out of there and a simple bad storm didn't seem like enough. This would be a good place for Mae to block them from going in a more forceful way and maybe plea her case for helping her and other slaves reach their ghostly freedom...so in other words, (hopefully more cogent words) I didn't always buy the motivations for actions people took or decisions they made.
  
  Structure- I think I mention this in my notes but, the time between the inciting event, the groundskeeper warning them to go away, to the first act- where they decide to spend the night, I didn't see any great mental tug of war about them staying or going. It was like a foregone conclusion that they were staying. I could almost see a scenario where melissa leaves at this point goes back to LA, mae pays a visit to her to show how much trouble the others are in and melissa decides to go back to help her friends. Butanyways, there didn't seem to be much of a thought process to propel them into the second act, they just did it without much deliberation.
  
  Overall- despite my copious notes, I really did enjoy this a lot. I think a couple more drafts to tighten up the structure and story and you'll be in good shape with this. Keep up the good work guys!!!
  Pg 1- I like to be completely anal in the first page or so because it's your last chance at a first impression...so that being said
  
  you use the word "fill" like 3 times in the first 2 paragraphs. Come up with different words for a couple of these. like awards "crowd" the shelf.
  
  It's redundant to say someone is attractive in a movie, because unless you specify otherwise, the person cast will almost by definition be attractive.(sorry, pet peeve of mine)
  
  pg 4- I wonder if we're going to see the plantation soon enough if you need to show us a photo now?
  
  pg 6- Adam would only say "my great grandma" Sorry I'm being picky here, but I know you're a great writer Michael and I need SOMETHING to comment on.
  
  pg 10- it strikes me that they're being a little rude to Adam talking about his ancestors in front of him. and Adam seems a little too okay with how messed up his ancestors were. At the very least I'd be getting annoyed if not telling people to stop talking about it.
  
  pg 24- all these ominous warnings and stuff kind of serve as the inciting incident, but it doesn't quite seem strong enough. I'm thinking that either Adam or Sarah has to get freaked out enough that one or the other wants to leave, but then the other one talks them into staying---which then opens the second act.
  
  pg 27- that's a lot to carve into a tree!!
  
  pg 63- after this dream sequence, I find it hard to believe that any of them would want to stay in that house. I think you need to have a beat where they all decide to leave but then the something makes them HAVE to come back and finish it. Like maybe the dreams don't stop till they right some wrong from the past.
  
  pg 76- yes it is convenient that everyone's phones are dead.--Guys at this point there needs to be some clear idea about what they need to accomplish in this dream to undo the past. Otherwise why is the house holding them captive.
  
  pg 81- what is Adam doing during this? Why isn't he interceding on his friends behalf?
  read
• 
  Winter Plantation Review
  A review of The Winter Plantation
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 02/06/2011
  p14 - I really like the scene descriptions and dialogue so far, but I'm already on page 15, and getting weary of the "Did you know Adam is a drunk?" characterization; ok, we got it. p18 - Motel 6 - is the name of a real hotel chain. If Motel 6 thinks you're film frames them unfavorably, you could end up in a lawsuit. Better to refrain from common references like this, until... p14 - I really like the scene descriptions and dialogue so far, but I'm already on page 15, and getting weary of the "Did you know Adam is a drunk?" characterization; ok, we got it.
  
  p18 - Motel 6 - is the name of a real hotel chain. If Motel 6 thinks you're film frames them unfavorably, you could end up in a lawsuit. Better to refrain from common references like this, until you clear it with the studio's legal department.
  
  p19 - "DD" = Designated Driver?
  
  p18 - Contains a typo in Otis' line of dialogoue: "to" should be "too".
  
  p29 - Adam said he never saw anything. Sarah shouldn't press him after this, it makes her a bit unlikable.
  
  p31 - Why does Sarah hesitate?
  
  p34 - Malcom's reaction to the crew reading The Oak Song out loud leads me to believe they have unlocked some curse or something. So when you have them reading the song, show some visible signs in the environment that something might be going wrong.
  
  p37 - Adam's line of dialogue, in the middle of the page, is too on the nose.
  
  p38 - Adam walks right through the doorway. Why doesn't he hesitate?
  
  p38 - They didn't catch that on film - creepy!
  
  p52 - Mae Ross not properly introduced
  
  p55 - Adam acknowledges his own father here, but then wants to know more about him later on? Ah, this must not be the real "Adam Winter". Okay, I get it.
  
  p57 - Winter's House guests, Jean & Michael, not properly introduced.
  
  p60 - Friend's dialogue contains a typo - "You've" should read "We've".
  
  p68 - Lauryn's paraphrase should be in quotes.
  
  p89 - Henry not properly introduced.
  
  p89 - You refer to Adam's father as "Alex", and later as "Winston III"; a bit inconsistent.
  
  p93 - Chet is, at times, very funny.
  
  p95, 106 - I find the underground sequences very intriguing!
  
  p105 - Why does Adam only apologize to Lauryn?
  
  p116 - Whoa, that is a great ending.
  
  
  The pinch needs a bit of a rework: The Pinch is the major turning point in the story, the point where you main character can't turn back; his life has changed forever. A pinch is also used to provide pacing. It should occur smack dab in the middle of a story. Melissa should only be killed after Mae Ross asks for their help. You will (1) need to remove the scene event with Melissa betraying Mae Ross, in the room, as it clouds the actual reason for her death (the Pinch); and (2), Edna, should no longer tell Adam to abandon the house (p90), or else he will be killed by the Mae curse.
  
  
  The story needs a better title. An excellent title communicates theme, mood, genre and the tone for a story. Its provocative connotations are what ultimately draws a reader in.
  
  
  CRISIS_POINTS DEFINED
  
  [ A Big_Opening ] need not always be big budget, but it must be a fantastically unusual, unique, and original opening sequence ! Why not open the story with a Catalyst ? This can forge your signature as a screenwriter.
  
  An [ Inciting_Incident ] or [ Catalyst ] is the point in every story where things are kicked out of balance for your main character. Handing the main character a new problem, need, goal or desire. Absent a Big_Opening, it should be the first of the crisis points in your story.
  
  [ The Big_Event ] is the point where you're main character's life is turned upside down. It also marks the start of the Second Act.
  
  [ The_Pinch ] is the turning point in a story. This is the point where your main character can't turn back, and so becomes fully committed. Often at great peril to himself. His life has changed, forever. It should occur smack dab in the middle of your story.
  
  [ The_Crisis ] is the point of highest emotional intensity in a story. It's usually the point where the main character has to make a critical decision.
  
  [ The_Climax ] is where the main character dedicates himself, following through on his decision. Regardless of outcome.
  
  [ The Realization ] The Realization is not, formally, a crisis point. But the Realization is where your audience and characters attain a deeper understanding of what they've been through. The Realization becomes clear to your audience, following the Denouement, where your character demonstrates what he's learned. The Realizations should always be targeted, very specifically, toward a specific emotion( e.g. not anger, but resentment; and not love, but devotion). It's the Realization which ultimately draws the emotion, from your audience. There is great power in knowing this.
  
  [ The_Denouement ] is usually highly poetic and symbolic. Oscar winning scripts have these. Usually with very little dialogue, this sequence is where your character(s) demonstrate an understanding of what they've learned.( e.g. Simba roaring on the mountaintop)
  
  
  SAMPLE SCRIPT_OUTLINE:[ Thelma & Louise ]
  Big_Opening: Louise in an argument with her scab husband
  Catalyst / Inciting_Incident: Louise takes Thelma fishing
  Big_Event: Louise shoots and kills Thelma's attacker
  Pinch: Louise walks out on her scab husband
  Crisis: It's apparent they will die
  Climax: They're chased to the Canyons / There's a standoff at the rim
  Realization: They will die(They will spend life in jail)
  Denouement: They drive on( Toward their freedom and death)
  
  
  SCRIPT_OUTLINE:[ The Winter Plantation - Lauryn's Story ( Spine ) ]=STORY_GOAL: To visit Winter Plantation and really experience things
  Big_Opening: Adam and Sarah, in their apartment
  Catalyst / Inciting_Incident: They decide to visit the Winter plantation
  Big_Event: They arrive at the Plantation
  Pinch: They meet Mae Ross / "Free our souls! There's no turning back"/ They try to turn back / Melissa is the first one killed
  Crisis: From the spirit mob, a figure comes forward, tall and terrifying, dressed in the robes of a Grand Imperial Wizard of the KKK...
  Climax: Sarah has failed: Adam returns as Plantation owner
  Realization: Another generation of Winter's has returned ( + )
  Denouement: The Whiley's lock the gates
  
  SCRIPT_OUTLINE - Grade: C+
  
  Main_Twist: Adam becomes the headmaster, once again
  Secondary_Twist(s): His father never committed suicide; he was killed during a slave revolt
  
  
  SEQUENCE:
  A sequence is a chain of events between crisis points, connecting two or more scenes by a single commonality, or goal. The sequence continues until it affects one or more characters at a crisis point (preferably the main character)
  
  SUPERSEQUENCE(SS):
  An embedded or incendiary scene or sequence, usually relating to subplot, whose resolution gives birth to a METASEQUENCE. Also called a suspenseful or suspended sequence, these can be imbeded within the Pinch.
  
  METASEQUENCE(M):
  The pivotal scene or sequence whose resolution gives birth to the reversal at a crisis point.
  
  
  SEQUENCE_OUTLINE:[ The Winter Plantation - Lauryn's Story ( Spine ) ]=STORY_GOAL: To visit Winter Plantation and really experience things
  [ Lbl ] ==> 56 Sequences (Usually between 18 - 36)
  [ Lbl ] SCN ==> 1 Disjointed scenes, which should be made part of a sequence.
  [ Lbl ] SS ==> 10 Supersequences, which relate to subplots. (Should be minimized)
  [ Lbl ] M ==> 7 Metasequences
  
  
  FADE IN:
  
  [ 1. BIG_OPENING: Adam and Sarah, in their apartment ]
  [ 2. CATALYST: They decide to visit the Winter plantation ] M
  [ 3. Lauryn drops by with more project details ]
  [ 4. At the sports tavern, everyone grows acquainted / Lauryn fills in the details ]
  [ 5. Back at the apartment, she offers Adam some encouragement ]
  [ 6. They arrive at the Louisiana airport / Otis picks them up ]
  [ 7. In the van, Otis gives them a brief warning ]
  [ 8. They stop at the hotel, as close as they can possibly get / Otis warns them again ]
  [ 9. Adam, has a nightmare ]
  [ 10. The next morning, Adam feels uneasy / The crew meets up with Chet (the editor) / Russel explains they each had the same dream ]
  [ 11. They march through the woods, on toward the plantation ]
  [ 12. They stop by the Oak tree.. (and read the song) ]
  [ 13. They meet the caretakers (Malcom & Marcus Whiley) ]
  [ 14. They march through the woods, on toward the plantation ]
  [ 15. When they arrive, things already begin happen ]
  [ 16. BIG_EVENT: They arrive at the Plantation ] M
  [ 17. They discover a minibar and everyone decides to have a drink ]
  [ 18. They fall into a dream warp.. ]
  [ 19. Adam is a villain / Russell is nearly killed SS ]
  [ 20. Russell meets up with Lauryn, in the kitchen SS ]
  [ 21. Melissa and Sarah land in the banquet hall / Russell, Lauryn, and Ricky meet up with them ]
  [ 22. They all try to decipher which side Adam is on ]
  [ 23. They meet Mae Ross ]
  [ 24. Chet and Ricky notice Bill ]
  [ 25. In the back lawn, Adam (villain) talks with his family SS ]
  [ 26. Sarah and Melissa watch Mae Ross ]
  [ 27. David and Alex abduct Mae Ross ]
  [ 28. Sarah finds a map ]
  [ 29. Sarah and Melissa are approached by 2 gentlemen house guests ]
  [ 30. Addison, and a friend take Mae Ross away SS ]
  [ 31. Outside, Ben comes to Mae's aid, he asks for Russell's help / Lauryn comes to her aid / They run for the woods ]
  [ 32. In the woods, Ben is killed (shot in the back of the head) ]
  [ 33. Mae Ross asks for their help / Mae Ross is assassinated ]
  [ 34. PINCH: They meet Mae Ross / "Free our souls! There's no turning back"/ They try to turn back / Melissa is the first one killed ] M
  [ 35. When they awake, they try to uncover what's going on ]
  [ 36. The teams goes back to the hotel room / Panicked, Melissa leaves ]
  [ 37. Upon returning home, Melissa pays a visit to her father / she is killed ]
  [ 38. The crew watches her death (Live) on their monitors ]
  [ 39. They return to Winter Plantation ]
  [ 40. They try to find the map ]
  [ 41. David and Alex Winter reappear / Lauryn and Russell run away / Ricky is killed ]
  [ 42. Sarah confronts Alex and David / Adam steps in and tells them to run! / They (Sarah & Adam) agree to split up ]
  [ 43. Sarah and Chet decide to follow the map ]
  [ 44. They witness Winter Alex raping Mae Ross ]
  [ 45. In the barn, Russell and Lauryn recognize the quilts as direction on the underground railroad / They follow SS ]
  [ 46. Adam confronts Alex, regarding his father SS ]
  [ 47. He encounters Edna, his grandmother. She warns him to leave the house. SS ]
  [ 48. Chet and Sarah in the underground tunnel / Chet is killed / Sarah removes the talisman ]
  [ 49. Russell and Lauryn in the woods (they decide to travel to the Coffin House) SS ]
  [ 50. Chet and Sarah continue to follow the map / They escape the tunnel and run into Russell and Lauryn ]
  [ 51. They flee from David Winter ]
  [ 52. In the barn, Tom Whiley (slave) turns on them and tries to attack them / Russell is killed / Adam shoots Tom Whiley ]
  [ 53. They travel through the safe house, in the tunnel ]
  [ 54. In the coffin house (living room), they search for the red book; Adam finds it ]
  [ 55. A spirit mob sieges the house, Chet is trampled and killed ]
  [ 56. CRISIS: From the spirit mob, a figure comes forward, tall and terrifying, dressed in the robes of a Grand Imperial Wizard of the KKK... ] M
  [ 57. Sarah and Lauryn are shot and wounded ]
  [ 58. Alex confronts Adam SS ]
  [ 59. Sarah reads the spell from the book and quenches the spirit away ]
  [ 60. The spirits are released from their tombs and wander up, towards heaven / Where's Adam? ]
  [ 61. Sarah awakens to find Lauryn murdered. Where is Adam? / The doors seal her in ]
  [ 62. CLIMAX: Sarah has failed: Adam returns as Plantation owner ] M
  [ 63. REALIZATION: Another generation of Winter's has returned ( + ) ]
  [ 64. DENOUEMENT: The Whiley's lock the gates ] M
  
  FADE TO BLACK:
  
  SEQUENCE_OUTLINE - Grade: B
  
  
  CHARACTERS:
  1. ADAM WINTER
  2. SARAH ELCOTT
  3. LAURYN SPARKS
  4. RUSSELL PAGE
  5. RICKY MORELLA
  6. MELISSA JONES
  7. DAVID WINTER
  8. OTIS RENOUX
  9. MAGGIE WINTER
  10. CHET
  11. MAE ROSS
  12. MARCUS WHILEY
  13. MALCOM WHILEY
  14. BEN
  15. COUSIN ADDISON
  16. Bill
  17. ALEX WINTER ( WINSTON III )
  18. JEAN
  19. MICHAEL
  20. TOM WHILEY
  21. JONAH
  22. HENRY
  
  ROLE, PURPOSE IN THE STORY:
  1. Lauryn's BF / Antagonist
  2. Main character ( Protagonist )
  3. Supporting (Protagonist) / friend / Volunteer
  4. Volunteer
  5. Volunteer
  6. Volunteer
  7. Adam's great grandfather x 8 / Antagonist
  8. The van driver
  9. Adam's mother
  10.
  11. Protagonist / Antagonist
  12. Malcom's son
  13. Marcus' father
  14.
  15. Adam's cousin on the plantation
  16.
  17. Antagonist / Son of David Winter / Adam's father
  18. House guests of David Winters / Antagonist
  19. House guests of David Winters / Antagonist
  20.
  21. Runaway slave
  22.
  
  OCCUPATION:
  1.
  2. 4th year, USC Film student / Producer
  3. USC film student
  4. Film student: Cinematographer
  5. USC Film student: cinematographer ( lighting )
  6. USC film student: sound & micing
  7.
  8.
  9.
  10. Film / Sound Editor
  11. House slave
  12. Plantation manager
  13. Plantation manager
  14. A field hand
  15. A crop / field / ditch digging Manager
  16.
  17. Plantation owner
  18.
  19.
  20. Caretaker
  21. Field worker
  22.
  
  BACKSTORY:
  1. It's my family’s plantation. I grew up in LA, with my mother. Didn't really know my dad. It was my great grandmother, Edna Winter, who shared all the great ghost stories..
  2.
  3.
  4.
  5.
  6.
  7. A notoriously cold hearted killer, and alcoholic, and had a reputation for beating and impregnating his slaves. He had a big hand in the Whiskey Rebellion in Pennsylvania. George Washington hired a militia to cut his head off. he fled to the Bayou Sara, which is now St. Francisville and built the notorious Winter Plantation in 1815. He gave Tom Whiley the position when he saved a Winter boy from drowning in Cotton lake. The Ear-hustlers say Winter gave Tom rank over all his other slaves in exchange for his silence... whatever he might see, whatever might have happened there... well, hell will come first before they confess it
  8.
  9.
  10.
  11.
  12.
  13.
  14.
  15.
  16.
  17.
  18.
  19.
  20.
  21.
  22.
  
  DOMINANT, CORE CHARACTER TRAIT:
  1. Pessimistic
  2. Optimistic
  3. Realistic
  4. hipster
  5. A sense of humor
  6.
  7.
  8. He speaks with a heavy Southern accent.
  9.
  10. A Southern man
  11.
  12.
  13.
  14.
  15.
  16. A gentleman
  17.
  18.
  19.
  20.
  21.
  22.
  
  OTHER GOOD & BAD TRAITS:
  1. An all-American kid
  2. Tends to get overconfident
  3. Sometimes Naive
  4.
  5.
  6.
  7.
  8.
  9.
  10.
  11.
  12.
  13.
  14.
  15.
  16.
  17.
  18.
  19.
  20.
  21.
  22.
  
  CHARACTER IMPERFECTIONS / QUIRKS:
  1. He likes drinking / Cant stand tomatoes
  2.
  3.
  4.
  5.
  6. A bit unmotivated / vain
  7.
  8.
  9.
  10.
  11.
  12.
  13.
  14.
  15.
  16.
  17.
  18.
  19.
  20.
  21.
  22.
  
  CHARACTER SKILLS, KNOWLEDGE, PROPS:
  1.
  2. Owns a Canon XL H1 HDV camera ( For Ricky ), and a D7 HD camera ( for Russell )
  3.
  4.
  5.
  6.
  7.
  8.
  9.
  10.
  11.
  12.
  13. Moves around in an antique wheelchair
  14.
  15.
  16.
  17.
  18.
  19.
  20.
  21.
  22.
  
  POINT OF VIEW, ATTITUDES:
  1. I didn’t expect to be the topic of your senior thesis. I’ve spent most of my adult life trying to forget the past. Until Sarah dug it up... Anyway, she gets what she deserves.
  2. This project can land me a real job when I graduate. I want to make movies, not be someone’s assistant for years, and I'll use any resources that are available, even if that includes my Adam.
  3. Sarah, in my opinion, has a fascination with scary shit; hence, the trip, and the weird boyfriend
  4. Oh, get over yourself Lauryn! My job is to point and shoot. Do I look like I care what the subject matter is?
  5.
  6.
  7.
  8. Sarah, you seem like a smart girl. Take your pictures and be on your way. Don’t dig deep.
  9.
  10.
  11.
  12.
  13.
  14.
  15.
  16.
  17.
  18.
  19.
  20.
  21.
  22.
  
  DIALOGUE STYLE:
  1.
  2.
  3.
  4.
  5.
  6.
  7.
  8.
  9.
  10.
  11.
  12.
  13.
  14.
  15.
  16.
  17.
  18.
  19.
  20.
  21.
  22.
  
  PHYSIOLOGY:
  1. Age: (22) / six feet tall / light hair / good build / atractive face
  2. Age: (21) / a shapely, attractive / brunette
  3. Age: (21) / an attractive woman / dark skinned / She sports a hip, 60’s-retro afro
  4. Age: (21) / An African American
  5. Age: (22) / Latin
  6. Age: (21) / all blond hair and blue eyes
  7. Age: 60’s
  8. Age: (30) / French Creole Louisiana native with piercings and dreadlocks
  9. Age:(30)
  10. Age: (23) / tall, skinny / Appears to be dressed in attire from Kid Rock’s close
  11.
  12. Age: (68) / African American man in decent shape for his years / Wears suspenders
  13. Age:(86)
  14. Age: (40’s)
  15. Age (20)
  16. Age: (45)
  17. Age: (40’s)
  18.
  19.
  20. Age: (30’s)
  21. Age: (20’s)
  22.
  
  PSYCHOLOGY, SOCIALOGY:
  1.
  2.
  3.
  4.
  5.
  6.
  7.
  8.
  9.
  10.
  11.
  12.
  13.
  14.
  15.
  16.
  17.
  18.
  19.
  20.
  21.
  22.
  
  RELATIONSHIP W/OTHERS:
  1.
  2.
  3.
  4.
  5.
  6.
  7.
  8.
  9.
  10.
  11.
  12.
  13.
  14.
  15.
  16.
  17.
  18.
  19.
  20.
  21.
  22.
  
  Internal Growth Arcs: (Visible signs of growth, such as new behaviors or philosophies)
  1.
  2.
  3.
  4.
  5.
  6.
  7.
  8.
  9.
  10.
  11.
  12.
  13.
  14.
  15.
  16.
  17.
  18.
  19.
  20.
  21.
  22.
  
  External Growth Arcs: (Visible signs of growth, such as new skills or abilities)
  1.
  2.
  3.
  4.
  5.
  6.
  7.
  8.
  9.
  10.
  11.
  12.
  13.
  14.
  15.
  16.
  17.
  18.
  19.
  20.
  21.
  22.
  
  MAIN_CHARACTERS - Grade: B-
  
  
  THEME
  You employ a theme by allowing your realizations to compare against an overriding question.
  
  EXAMPLE OVERRIDING QUESTION:
  
  
  The question you choose should never be an up or down question (one, that can be answered with a yes or a no), it'll come across as pedantic; they have nowhere near the complexity to be put on screen. And your answer to an overriding question need not be right. But You, as a writer, must have an answer. And you must believe in it. You must be willing to tell us: Life is like this! And then show us. Willing to spend 2 hours, in film, proving it to us.
  
  THEME: What are the perils involved with confronting one's demons
  
  THEME - Grade: B-
  
  
  IMAGE SYSTEM
  Lots of things we see and hear in life carry no meaning: Passing cars, leaky faucets, crayons on the floor… But in film, film is a beautiful opportunity to give meaning to everything we see. Like the symbolic use of oranges, in the Godfather. In your overall story, if an orange is just an orange, and people only wear blankets outside because they're cold, then you’re missing out on a beautiful poetic opportunity.
  
  IMAGE_SYSTEM:
  Oak trees - Tradition / Secrets
  The Lake - Truth
  The Woods -
  The Tunnels -
  Eye's missing -
  Breaking glass -
  The Watchful paintings on the wall - Family tradition and expectation
  
  IMAGE_SYSTEM - Grade: C+
  
  
  CONSENSUS:
  There's an interesting (theme) opportunity here. Adam's family has a past he's not proud of. Yet he himself has demons (e.g. His denial of the seriousness of his drinking problem). How does the story force him to confront these demons?
  
  Thanks for the read. read
• 
  Goosebumps aplenty
  A review of The Winter Plantation
  by Alison C. Davies on 02/05/2011
  I was pleased to see that this was not another typical haunted house story. I loved the fact that the main characters were a group of film students - it provided a good reason for why the characters find themselves in a haunted place. An added bonus was the Adam character and his intriguing backstory. You gave away enough information about Adam's past to wet my appetite for... I was pleased to see that this was not another typical haunted house story. I loved the fact that the main characters were a group of film students - it provided a good reason for why the characters find themselves in a haunted place. An added bonus was the Adam character and his intriguing backstory. You gave away enough information about Adam's past to wet my appetite for more. I couldn't wait to find out what was going to happen once they visited the house.
  Problem was, I felt like I was waiting a little too long. They don't actually start their journey to Winter's Plantation until page 13. I just wondered if some of the scenes prior to this could be trimmed so that the action starts sooner. Don't get me wrong, there is some good dialogue in those scenes and I began to see each character's personality, but I wanted them to get to the mansion much quicker.
  
  Also, I felt as though Adam should be acting perhaps nervously when he arrives in Louisiana on page 13. I also wanted something creepy to happen sooner. Nothing creepy really happens until page 20 when the man with milky cataract eyes whispers into Adam's ear.
  
  What's the connection between the hotel and the old school diner on page 19? Why does this particular hotel spark off the flashback of young Adam and his mother? Adam says that the hotel looks familiar but I couldn't work out how at first. Am I right in thinking that the hotel used to be the school?
  
  Loved Malcolm Whiley's lines by the way. He's a good character. Would have liked to have seen more of him though.
  
  Once inside the mansion the story became much stronger. The door remaining open after they hear it slam was a great touch. The scene was well and truly set for something that was going to cause goosebumps.
  
  The crew ending up in the past after getting drunk was excellent. I loved how their 'new' characters were portrayed. The ghosts were excellent because they were depicted as real beings and this was a refreshing change. Unfortunately, I felt as though I had seen David and Alex Winters countless times before. They didn't really stand out to me. I wanted to see more depth to these characters especially considering they are the antagonists.
  
  Mae Ross pulling down her hood at the airport was effective. However, I was unsure why she was then shown in a power business suit when she appears in Melissa's office. It lacked creepiness. I thought it would have been better if she was in the type of clothes we had already seen her in. Also, I thought Melissa's reaction to a ghost sitting opposite her in her office was odd. Wouldn't she be scared to death rather than annoyed and asking if it's a joke?
  
  I really liked the idea of the twist ending. Malcolm's line was great to end with. The only problems I had were with Adam. On page 114 he 'regains his wits' and instructs the girls to read the spell. So it seems as though he has fought the urge to side with his family. But then he just disappears after the spell has been cast and the girls watch the ghosts disappear. Sarah then says that they have to save Adam but they head towards the woods. I thought he would still have been inside Coffin House though? What happened to him? Because of this I was then unsure why he ends up asleep on the arm chair.
  
  Overall, I was impressed with the story. It was a different take on an idea that we have seen many times before, and it worked well. read
• 
  Complextiy of Illusions
  A review of The Winter Plantation
  by Campo on 02/05/2011
  I honestly don’t know how to write a helpful review of “W. P.” because it is so complex and phantasmagorical. It begins with the group, led by Sarah, to film the haunted place in Louisiana. If filmed, however, the interest this script provides isn’t the story but the optical effects that can be created by a talented filmmaker. For instance, things aren’t as they seem: shadows,... I honestly don’t know how to write a helpful review of “W. P.” because it is so complex and phantasmagorical. It begins with the group, led by Sarah, to film the haunted place in Louisiana. If filmed, however, the interest this script provides isn’t the story but the optical effects that can be created by a talented filmmaker. For instance, things aren’t as they seem: shadows, people in portraits, and ghosts enter and exit, blood oozes then disappears, a horse races through a wall, and so on. These “constantly shifting succession of things seen or imagined” (one of the definitions in the dictionary of phantasmagoria), make for confusion on the part of the viewer. What to do? Seems we are asked to lean back, “go with flow” and watch all these imagined things happen. The scenery includes snippets of the story----racing toward the woods, glimpses of things in the water, slaves being mishandled, killings, searching for directions/maps/ corridors/ quilts/ trails, etc. I noted the description in most places of the plantation was worn down and dilapidated, etc. yet out behind the house toward the lake, there is a “manicured” lawn. Starting around page 70 and following, I noted there were many typos/misspellings that occurred, which makes me think the writer possibly was in a hurry to get the images down on paper without double checking the writing.
  I felt by the end, there was too much confusion. The story of Adam’s past, the haunted house, Grandma Edna (an interesting character that could have been developed more), and the search for Coffin’s Underground Station got out of hand. Coffin’s house, by the way, is located in Indiana, and yet you’re talking about a station in the vicinity of the Louisiana plantation. In the Deep South, old haunted-looking places offer a wealth of possibilities for a good gripping story, but by the time Adam was turned back into his father and grandfather’s world, I felt the story began to lose its grip.
  You have wonderful characters that move in and out of scenes and time periods, ex. Otis, dead and alive, Mae Ross, Ben and the plantation caretakers. Your period pieces were visually good. (Loved the image of the woman in the window.) I could see the servants passing out food, the women dressed to the nines, etc. The “book,” the talisman, etc. are interesting details, but referencing the Imperial Wizard of the KKK seems over the top. By this point and forward, it seems the joke is on the viewer, and the creative delight is with the writers, ---as if the question is “What more that is "bad" or “southern” can we toss in the mix?”
  Chet seems to get right into the midst of things, but I didn’t feel his character was developed enough, especially toward the end of the script.
  Did you select the college characters to serve as stereotypical types, i.e. Russell, Laryn, Ricky, Melissa? By the way, I didn’t quite follow the Melissa story/insanity. She disappears in a bang of explosions in “real life” (did I miss something else). Were the characters who remained alive changed by the end of the story? Did they get their documentary? Did Sarah succeed?
  So many odd things---dead bodies; characters watching themselves on the monitor from another time period, etc.--- that the "horror" element began to fade. Instead, I began watching for whatever next crazy thing might happen. I got the feeling you were having great sport imagining these illusions. I must compliment you on your imagination as the script offers opportunities for bizarre and fantastic combinations of effects, ex.“translucent spirits of Mae Ross” and her babies, etc. That Adam returns to become a part of his past family history is quite the ending! I'm glad I read this assignment. read
• 
  Review: The Winter Plantation
  A review of The Winter Plantation
  by Shawn Essler on 02/04/2011
  Michaels, THE WINTER PLANTATION is a solid entry, a mixture between horror and suspense, which usually leaves the reader hungry to know what the outcome is going to be. While not 100 percent developed, the script shows that you guys know how to craft a story, keep it suspenseful and know how to work the mood. I can't really focus my review so much on the technical aspects,... Michaels,
  
  THE WINTER PLANTATION is a solid entry, a mixture between horror and suspense, which usually leaves the reader hungry to know what the outcome is going to be. While not 100 percent developed, the script shows that you guys know how to craft a story, keep it suspenseful and know how to work the mood.
  
  I can't really focus my review so much on the technical aspects, but more on the timing and story path, as those are the areas I think you could work on to really make this script shine. Yes, there are a couple minor technical flaws, but they're the kind that you'll solve yourself through rewrites, so to point them out to you would seem, to say the least, belittling.
  
  This script appeared to be written with a budget in mind. While that is a good thing, especially in the spec market, there are areas where that hurts you. Most specifically with the exposition. For a thriller such as this, you tended to shy away from letting the visuals give exposition, opting to have the characters explain the information the audience needs to know.
  
  Look at the first two scenes of this script. The first, in Sarah and Adam's apartment, runs over six pages. The following, in the sports bar, runs another five. And both scenes are dialog heavy. I know that you're trying to set up the characters, but you introduce too many, and have them talk too much to explain their backstory. Maybe try splitting up the first 11 pages into four or five smaller scenes, give the audience something interesting to look at, something that explains their filmmaking backgrounds easier. We don't need to know everything about these characters right now; more will come during the unfolding of the events at the plantation.
  
  Get to the plantation sooner. Right now, they don't step foot onto the property until page 26. I would have it happen between pages 15 to 20. Too much talking and ribbing between the kids wastes time and pages. You want to get to the spooky stuff as early as possible.
  
  If you look deeper into the story, according to Plato and Campbell and all the other books that you're supposed to have read, Sarah is your protagonist. It's her mission to go to this plantation, to find out the story and to discover if there are ghosts there or not. And, as far as the story plays out, that is where the story arc lies. However, beyond the first act, Sarah loses her standing, as you focus on Adam and the film crew, without giving Sarah her driving force. Adam is not your protagonist, nor is he even your villain... the plantation itself is. Sarah's goals need to be paramount to move this story forward.
  
  Basically, when everyone else gets scared and wants to leave, she must persevere. Push harder to capture the story, to her and her colleagues hazard. She can overcome her fear and persist while others cannot, at least until the midpoint, the point of no return. Russell, Lauryn, Ricky, Melissa and Chet are all supplemental characters. We are not supposed to care about them; they just drive up the body count. Adam needs to be interesting (and he is) but only because we are supposed to be questioning his intent. Sarah is the one who we follow on this journey. What she is doing, even when all of the characters split up, should be the most important thing going on in the story. Her voice in a discussion between the characters should be the most dominant.
  
  I was unsure of the rules of this world. Each time the ghosts of the Winter Plantation come out, they form in different manners. In dreams, on camera and in the real world. The most interesting part of movies such as this is the lore. I'll use ELM STREET as an example (only the first one, and not the stupid remake). Freddy Kruger can only kill people in their dreams. And he can create the reality of the dream. The restriction is that he has to actually kill them himself; he has to get in close and perform the murder with his own hands. That constitutes the "rules" of this world.
  
  I didn't get a grasp of what the science was behind these actions. Perhaps that was because everything was being explained by these kids who didn't know what the rules were themselves. I would have liked a visual way of showing me what the boundaries or this plantation are. Obviously, there has to be mystery involved, and in that, you succeeded. But by the last page, I should understand everything that I read, and I didn't quite get that here. You're not going to solve this problem through explanation. You're going to do it by showing the reader.
  
  A way to start is by eliminating the excess Winters. The ghost of David Winter is your antagonist. And the fact that he's a spirit gives him certain abilities the living do not have. I would eliminate Alex and Addison, at least as developed personas. Have the suspense revolve around the actions of David. Splitting it up between generations dilutes the evil. David is the evil force. Treat all of the other characters as accessories.
  
  Also, Alex Winter is the name of an actor. You know him from THE LOST BOYS and as Bill S. Preston, Esq. from the BILL AND TED movies.
  
  Speaking of diluting the evil, I would remove most of Adam's father's backstory. While an interesting scene, it takes the reader out of the main story at hand, which is the events of the early 19th century. Besides, Adam's father, had he lived, would only be somewhere between 40 to 60 years of age. How would he have known anything of slaves? Bigotry and racism, yes. But not slavery.
  
  See, the whole story falls into an allegory of a parent's bigotry falling onto his child's mind. If one grows up with racist parents, odds are the child will be racist as well. And that has destroyed generation after generation of Winters. Now is Adam's turn to deal with it. Being that he didn't grow up with it, how does he react to it? This background of hatred? That is what your story is digging into. That's why you want to use David as your sole antagonist. He was the one who started this line, so he is the one who must be battled, as it were. Alex got his bigotry from his father, so he isn't nearly as scary. David is evil, Alex is just his father's son.
  
  Being that you have the camera equipment, I was worried that this was going to become a BLAIR WITCH ripoff. You avoided that, which is good. I also saw elements of THE RING, PARANORMAL ACTIVITY and a few other movies, but you never held onto the references for very long. All this is good. But those movies had a unique way of telling the story. BLAIR WITCH had the complete story told through the camera. It was revolutionary at the time of its release, simply because it had never been done before. Which is a good thing for BLAIR WITCH, because if I hadn't been so enthralled with the storytelling when I saw it, I would have easily seen how much the movie sucked.
  
  The reason I bring that up is because I think it would serve you well to shake up your linear storyline. The easiest way to do that is to use the cameras to your advantage. I'm not saying show the movie only through the lens, that's been done before. But, you can use the documented footage to present the story less linearly. Also, I would use the footage to get the lengthy exposition out of the way early. Such as, Sarah could have already made the opening to her documentary, explaining David Winter's background. With a lot of imagery and a little of Sarah and Adam's voice over work, you could open the script with the plantation's history, of David's background.
  
  That would be a lot more interesting than simply having Adam explain it all.
  
  But, the heart of what I'm saying here, knowing that you have the screenwriter's chops to handle it, is to push away from conventional storytelling on this one. Don't tell me everything linearly. Let me see the events through different eyes than just the victims'. That, in my opinion, is how you're going to make this already good script really stand apart from the rest.
  
  Uh, quick thought. Chet is an editor. Why would he be on location with the rest of them? Caught me off guard. Also, limit the smaller characters. You didn't really need Otis, or the hotel manager. You didn't need BOTH Marcus and Malcolm Whiley. Too many characters dilute each one's impact. Use auxiliary characters sparingly.
  
  And that's what I have for you here. You have a strong script here, one I'm sure can get you noticed. Thank you for giving me the chance to read this, and good luck on this endeavor.
  
  - Shawn read