Reviews of 25 to Life 5

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  25 to Life
  A review of 25 to Life
  by hauntedwriter on 07/14/2011
  I was at first surprised by the page count when I first opened the script - 126 pages is a lot. I figured it was just a loooong story but while reading it... it shouldn't be. The main things that I have come across is that the dialogue is waaaay to long. To much of it. To me, there isn't that much action going on. It seems like a lot of sitting around as the characters... I was at first surprised by the page count when I first opened the script - 126 pages is a lot. I figured it was just a loooong story but while reading it... it shouldn't be.
  
  The main things that I have come across is that the dialogue is waaaay to long. To much of it. To me, there isn't that much action going on. It seems like a lot of sitting around as the characters talk. In soom spots the descrition could be cut and I think once those problems are fixed it will really tighten up the story and make it more managable and easier to read.
  
  Another thing that bugged me was the lack of minor character names (coworker, girl 1, guy 2, etc.) I think speaking roles should have names.
  
  The script does have funny parts like the car rental scene, and taking talents to Cleveland, and the poor skinny people in Scandivavia but a lot of the potential in mudded down by all the long dialogue.
  
  Good job and good luck with your future writings. read
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  Long on theme, short on plot
  A review of 25 to Life
  by jakenp on 07/11/2011
  25 to life is the story of Michael dealing with a quarter life crisis. He quits his job in Chicago to move back home, which happens to be outside of Cleveland. He reconnects with old friends, sees an ex-girlfriend, and grapples with the notions of aging and the meaning of life. You have good comedic timing. It was the bright spots in your dialog that kept me reading. Though... 25 to life is the story of Michael dealing with a quarter life crisis. He quits his job in Chicago to move back home, which happens to be outside of Cleveland. He reconnects with old friends, sees an ex-girlfriend, and grapples with the notions of aging and the meaning of life.
  
  You have good comedic timing. It was the bright spots in your dialog that kept me reading. Though most of it struck me as too long, there were some very nice moments. The character of Michael is nicely sketched, identifiable and engaging. I think you could get away with him being long winded, but only if you reduce the length of your other characters' lines.
  
  Several memorable funny jokes. "What did she say (pg 1)," "bringing talents to Cleveland," and the hugging gag all stand out in my mind. You differentiate characters well and you clearly had theme in mind while writing this.
  
  But the biggest speedbump in this read, for me, was a total lack of plot. Stuff happens, but it really doesn't progress or flow into the next thing. There's the skinny jeans truck--pretty creative, amusing--but there's not a defined development. This robbed the story of any momentum. By the end of your good scenes, I was engrossed in the story, then jerked out of it because the next scene seems unrelated.
  
  Figure out what your story is...in one sentence. If it's Michael moves back home and starts a kooky business with his fashonista buddy, then great, but that needs to be the framework. Then you can layer in your themes around your characters doing stuff, instead of just having them sitting around, bemoaning the fact that they're getting older.
  
  The Zoe story was pretty compelling, the small bit that you showed. I like the idea of ex-girlfriend with history and reconnecting with her. But it never develops, it just sort of exists. Also, the sparks that we see between them makes the ending sit strangely with me. Why did he run off with the airport girl when he seemed so hopeful re: Zoe?
  
  125 pages is too long, especially for something like this. I think what you're going for is something like Greenberg or a Duplass Brothers movie, and these are definitely a lot shorter than 125 pages. I don't think you will have trouble shortening it, either, because a lot of this draft felt like killing time.
  
  You're funny and you've got good timing, and you like to examine universal themes. Just figure out your plot and you'll be able to convey your ideas better and maintain a momentum in your story. read
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  A Slice of Life With No Plate
  A review of 25 to Life
  by alexsinesi on 07/10/2011
  Having just turned 25 myself and being an aspiring writer, I really identified with your protagonist here. I think all my friends are really grappling with these same issues, and you have a good handle on the confusion and heartache associated with this time. Even so, and believe me, I hate to type this, I just don't think this is a movie. Is it a nice character sketch? Sure... Having just turned 25 myself and being an aspiring writer, I really identified with your protagonist here. I think all my friends are really grappling with these same issues, and you have a good handle on the confusion and heartache associated with this time. Even so, and believe me, I hate to type this, I just don't think this is a movie. Is it a nice character sketch? Sure. Does this character have the depth and appeal to be the lead of a movie? I'd say so. But is this script something that would translate into a compelling two hours of screen time? There, I fear the answer is no. There just isn't enough story here -- the protagonist isn't really motivated toward any particular action, and he doesn't change enough over the course of the story. Now, he doesn't have to get caught up in an alien invasion, but he has to have some sort of conflict incited and brought to a climax naturally over the course of your script. As is, the whole thing is really just an exercise in verbalizing psychology. While much of the dialogue sounds natural and realistic, it's almost purely expository -- people telling us how they feel rather than emoting in the context of dramatic events. Also, despite the quality of the words and phrasing of that dialogue, it tends to get delivered in huge blocks of text. Usually, you only see about one lengthy soliloquy in an entire script, but you have one on almost every page! It quickly became difficult to read. You're a good writer, and I don't want to discourage you, but I think you need to save your favorite bits from this script for your next project and just scrap the whole thing. I don't think it would be worth re-writing, because it's a work with a singular purpose -- shoehorning a bit of plot into it would feel contrived, and take away from the product as much as it would help. I would say brainstorm on a new concept, get that one off the ground, and then introduce into it Michael and some of these other characters you have developed so well. Good luck.
  
  My individual ratings, as you requested.
  
  Concept: Below Average
  Characters: Good
  Dialogue: Average
  Story: Below Average
  Structure: Below Average
  Overall: Average read
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  25 to Life Review
  A review of 25 to Life
  by Asu03 on 07/08/2011
  The first thing I noticed about this screenplay is that it lacks focus. It seems like you’re going for a slice of life piece, which is fine to write, but rarely makes a good movie. After reading this, I get the impression this is probably your first or second full length screenplay. I’m not trying to insult you, but when I come across a screenplay about a guy in his mid... The first thing I noticed about this screenplay is that it lacks focus. It seems like you’re going for a slice of life piece, which is fine to write, but rarely makes a good movie. After reading this, I get the impression this is probably your first or second full length screenplay. I’m not trying to insult you, but when I come across a screenplay about a guy in his mid 20s who is lost, it is usually the writer’s first effort. You have a decent idea, and your passion for this story is obvious, but it is lacking in structure and execution.
  
  The heart of the story centers around Michael’s quarter life crisis, but too often your scenes get bogged down with too much dialogue rehashing the same material. I like the camaraderie between Michael and his friends, but there were a few problems with those scenes. First, the characters sound too similar. It was hard to remember who was living at home with their mother or who was getting engaged. I know you’re going for reality with the young men pondering about life while drinking and eating, but it can get overbearing at times. Your goal when writing a screenplay is to push the story forward. You could easily chop off 20 pages of this screenplay without losing your theme.
  
  Why should I care about Michael? Right now he comes off as a know it all who just whines about life. You can have a whiny character, but he needs some redeeming features to make people want to follow him. I understand that he is lost, but too often he comes out and tells people how he feels. In my opinion, he needs to be less vocal about it. What Michael needs are some goals. He talks about a fifty five year plan; let’s see him take action and start the plan.
  
  Your structure is rough around the edges. I don’t think every story should abide by the three act structure, but there has to be something that makes a reader want to turn to the next page. You drinking scenes at the end of your story that would have worked in the begging or middle. Show us growth and progress of your character.
  
  This story could use a rewrite. Keep Michael as a lost and confused young man, but challenge him in the screenplay. He needs to find himself, but he has to be the one to take action. Set up some obstacles allowing Michael to find himself in the process. He could try different jobs, hobbies, meet new people, etc.
  
  This screenplay has an indie vibe, which I like, but it needs to adhere to some form of structure and objective. I can tell your passionate about the story so keep writing and do your best to work out the kinks. If I see a second draft in my assignment box, I will definitely give it another read. read
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  25 to Life
  A review of 25 to Life
  by D.A.Griffith on 07/07/2011
  You have a unique concept here - a character suffering from a "quarter-life crisis" - that I feel with a little work can be the framework of an interesting story. In its current form, the screenplay lacks conflict. You have a passive protagonist that is simply reacting to the world around him. I think the story would really benefit from a source of antagonism for Michael... You have a unique concept here - a character suffering from a "quarter-life crisis" - that I feel with a little work can be the framework of an interesting story.
  
  In its current form, the screenplay lacks conflict. You have a passive protagonist that is simply reacting to the world around him. I think the story would really benefit from a source of antagonism for Michael beyond his friends who seem to be constantly bickering with him and each other. I also think you need to really clarify his wants/needs/goals when you sit down to re-draft it. From what I can see, he is lonely and wants a family, but this doesn't propel him to do anything. Even the chance meeting with Nia seems forced and anti-climactic. Zoe was an interesting part of Michael's history, but only had a brief scene with him far into act 2. I would have liked to see more of it, and more of her. Perhaps bring her in earlier in the story?
  
  In the beginning of the story, Michael tries to rent a car, which brings up an interesting observation you had made. Turning 25 is one of the last "milestones" of growing up, at least in terms of awarding new privileges. You point this out rather well: 18 allows you to vote, 21 allows you to drink, etc. However, this scene in particular is an example of a problem I noticed in a few others: unrealistic character motivations. The rental clerk wouldn't really care if Michael was renting a car just because he could, and especially wouldn't berate him and refuse to allow him to rent it. I realize you were going for a funny moment, but comedy cannot be forced like that without taking away from the comic effect. The same is true with many of the people he meets in the first act like the doctor and the Hindu priest. Michael's need for a hug was interesting, and I think with a little rewriting, you can beef up those scenes and make them more compelling. In fact, I spent the whole time reading the story hoping for the hugging thing as well as others to build up and pay off into something meaningful, but I didn't think they did.
  
  As another example of that, the Haitian woman speaking in the beginning scene and announcing the titles was interesting, but when Grandma Petrus finally spoke the words, it didn't seem to really have the impact I was hoping for. Maybe it was because all of the characters were unable to understand her, but seemed moved anyways. Although you provided the translation for the audience, I think you should give your characters the same courtesy.
  
  The running metaphor of "basket is life" was another interesting part of the story that I feel would benefit from being developed a little more. It and the other themes of the story are presented, talked about, and then left out in the open. I think you should consider writing more visually; like they say, "show, don't tell."
  
  Along those lines, Michael's decision to start wearing skinny jeans was a good example of how you can show his inner conflict through action. As a reader or somebody watching the film, I would much rather see Michael's "quarter-life crisis" through action and not through wordy conversations. I feel it would be far more engaging.
  
  Dad's heart attack was a good addition to the theme of mortality that is undoubtedly important to your story. It seemed to come out of nowhere, consider setting it up earlier in the story instead of making it a sort of random event.
  
  Finally, I would really suggest toning down the gay-bashing. There are repeated uses of the word "fag" and the discussion about Priuses being gay doesn't really develop into something other than banter. Some people may find it offensive, especially if it fails to provide any meaning to the overall story.
  
  Overall:
  
  I liked:
  The concept, the use of basket as a metaphor for life, the addition of the Charlie Brown character, and the unique voice that you have in your writing.
  
  Rethink:
  The overuse of dual-dialogue, particularly the simultaneous speech, character motivations, identify the goals, develop some conflict and antagonism, set-ups and payoffs, and focus on developing some visual storytelling. This reads more like a play.
  
  I read your bio, and I can recommend some great books to help you develop your writing. The Art of Dramatic Writing by Lajos Egri is great, and although it's a lot to take in, I feel it really helped me define characters and provides sound motivations for their actions.
  
  Also, Screenplay by Syd Field is great for laying out plot and story development through structure.
  
  You have a lot of potential in this script, good luck with your revisions and I hope I was helpful. read