Reviews of Through Hell, For Sara (v5) 70

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  Review of Through Hell
  A review of Through Hell, For Sara (v5)
  by DontStealMyScript on 05/30/2012
  OVERVIEW First Impression - format and stuff look good. I like this script. Even though it seems hard to do a good script with religious figures in it, you did an admirable job. Now, here are some specifics. ********************** G.U.S. (see article at: http://scriptshadow.blogspot.com/2011/08/article-gsu.html) Goal(s) - save Sara. Urgency - not clear, that I remember... OVERVIEW
  
  First Impression - format and stuff look good.
  
  I like this script. Even though it seems hard to do a good script with religious figures in it, you did an admirable job. Now, here are some specifics.
  
  
  **********************
  G.U.S. (see article at: http://scriptshadow.blogspot.com/2011/08/article-gsu.html)
  
  Goal(s) - save Sara.
  
  Urgency - not clear, that I remember. But maybe God told Will something about a certain amount of time before Sarah is stuck in Circle 9 forever?
  
  Stakes - Sara's eternal soul.
  
  Or unresolved relationship(s):
  
  **********************
  
  My notes from the read are below:
  
  **********************
  1 - CHARACTERS
  
  Protagonist - Will. He is often ready to give in and Chad has to urge him on. This makes Will a weak character.
  Motivation - wants to help his sister.
  
  Antagonist - Satan.
  Motivation - he just wants what he wants - souls.
  
  **********************
  2 - STRUCTURE
  
  a) Opening Sequence - Hook
  
  Sara and Will sit on a boardwalk talking, when a random guy walks by and says crude things to her. This opening is not engaging and doesn't even seem to move your story forward. Why is it in your script? (Okay, I just read it and now I see this was a setup for Satan.)
  
  b) Catalyst
  
  Not sure.
  
  c) Introduction
  
  We don't know a lot about Will and Sara, but they are likeable.
  
  d) Thematic Dialogue
  
  Not sure.
  
  e) Inciting Incident
  
  Maybe the car accident.
  
  f) Turn Point 1
  
  Page 17 When Will finds out Sara was sent to hell by mistake and he must go talk to Satan to save her.
  
  g) Midpoint turn
  
  Not sure.
  
  h) Turn Point 2
  
  Not sure.
  
  i) Climax
  
  Will stands up to Satan.
  
  j) Resolution
  
  Sara is freed, and Will stays in hell to help shorten the wait lines. But -- the favor Will asked for in return for doing this was the he and Sara would go free, and Satan agreed to it. So why is Will still stuck in hell?
  
  *********************
  3 - PLOT
  
  Act I
  
  Act II
  
  Act III
  
  **********************
  4 - WHAT WORKED
  
  Page 25 Okay, finally got my first chuckle when Chad mentions they have magazines. Good one!
  
  LoL @ the men in hell having to talk to the robot women for eternity. That was amusing. I'm starting to like this story more and more.
  
  Page 79 usually, I don't like this type of humor in scripts that I review. There always seems to be something missing from the writers' storytelling skill set that makes me roll my eyes. But with your script, I feel that despite the tone that usually doesn't suit me, I'm in good hands. I trust you as a writer. I won't say your story is great, but there's some kind of invisible report that you've built with the reader that in part overrides my reaction to the content. I don't know if I'm making much sense. Just know that scripts with these type of story lines usually make me cringe or roll my eyes and check out of the story before the half way point. But not this time. I'm with you all the way because so far, it doesn't appear you've made any lazy writing choices or thought up you story while you were drunk in a bar one night. To me, that puts your work above the norm.
  
  **********************
  5 - WHAT DIDN'T WORK
  
  I know Hauss is supposed to be a bad guy, but he seems overly done and cliche'. Maybe you could find a way to mute a little of his bad guy persona and make him more realistic -- it might be because his dialogue is so on the nose.
  
  Instead of telling us that Sara ended up in hell, maybe you should write a scene that shows her waking up in hell the way Will woke up in heaven.
  
  The information about what happened to Sara just falls in Will's lap. Make him earn it through you story beats instead of dumping as exposition through God's dialogue.
  
  Will is always getting a pep talk from Chad to keep striving toward his goal. Makes him seem weak, and weak protagonists are something we should avoid as writers.
  
  **********************
  6 - THEME
  
  Family.
  
  **********************
  7 - DIALOGUE
  
  Was natural and believable.
  
  **********************
  8 - SETUPS / PAYOFFS
  
  A man makes crude remarks to Sara. / It was Satan.
  
  Will is an accountant. / He helps Satan streamline his processing of souls.
  
  **********************
  9 - TWISTS
  
  None.
  
  **********************
  10 - ORIGINALITY
  
  a) Premise - seemed like nothing I've seen before.
  
  b) Set Pieces - The circles of hell were creative and visually appealing. Especially the men who had to sit and talk to a robot wife.
  
  c) Plot Devices - not sure.
  
  **********************
  11 - CINEMATIC SCENES
  
  The circles of hell were good.
  
  **********************
  12 - DETAILED COMMENTS
  
  -p. 7 The 'Whoo Whoo' here makes it seem like you're cheering Will and Sara's accident. I think if you used 'Sirens blare' or something it would be a lot clearer.
  
  **********************
  13 - EASE OF READ
  
  This was a very easy read.
  
  **********************
  14 - LOG LINE
  
  a) Actual:
  
  b) Recommended:
  
  **********************
  15 - TELEGRAPHS
  
  Nothing was given away too early.
  
  **********************
  16 - PAGE COUNT
  
  96, short and sweet.
  
  **********************
  17 - OVERALL
  
  A great job of storytelling! something rare in the reads I usually see. I wish you the best of luck with this. read
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  funny and imaginative
  A review of Through Hell, For Sara (v5)
  by d.penguin on 07/30/2010
  This is my first screen play review but I'll give it my best shot. I found this spec a really fun read. The concept and idea is really imaginative almost in the style of terry pratchet. The circles of hell relating to different places on earth works really well and definitely spoke to me as the reader. I think the funniest moment in the screen play for me was the automated... This is my first screen play review but I'll give it my best shot.
  
  I found this spec a really fun read. The concept and idea is really imaginative almost in the style of terry pratchet. The circles of hell relating to different places on earth works really well and definitely spoke to me as the reader. I think the funniest moment in the screen play for me was the automated phone service on page 78.
  
  Chad's character is great but Will and Sara didn't really seem strong enough. I think both of them need some loveable and irritable character traits that define them more as individuals rather than generic characters.
  Maybe you could exaggerate Will's cowardly behaviour.
  
  All in all a great read, a lot of fun and very funny. Congratulations on writing a spec of such high caliber. read
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  A funny trip through Hell?
  A review of Through Hell, For Sara (v5)
  by thedbarbee on 07/18/2010
  I really like the title although I must confess I didn't see how it could be funny. It was funny. It took about an hour to read which would translate well into a 90 to 120 minute film. The description of the 'tortures' in hell were very funny (except for those in the 9'th circle). I do think, since this is a comedy it might be wise to interject a some more comedic elements... I really like the title although I must confess I didn't see how it could be funny.
  
  It was funny. It took about an hour to read which would translate well into a 90 to 120 minute film.
  
  The description of the 'tortures' in hell were very funny (except for those in the 9'th circle). I do think, since this is a comedy it might be wise to interject a some more comedic elements into the 9'th Circle descriptions. Some of those were quite grim.
  
  I also might have entered some predirectorial suggestions such as when moving the scene to Carl's car, perhaps start with the bottle of Jack Daniels nearly empty upon the seat moving up to Carl's deeply bloodshot eyes.
  
  Other than that I found it very entertaining.
  
  Well done. read
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  A very easy read
  A review of Through Hell, For Sara (v5)
  by Malcolm Megaw on 07/15/2010
  Hi, This is quite a hard review to write because there is not really much wrong that I can point a finger at. I found it to be a really easy read - I just zipped through it - so as a reader that was great - I'm sure there are lots of brownie points to be had there. You certainly ticked all the boxes in turning points, inciting incident, pacing, characters etc. I like how... Hi,
  
  This is quite a hard review to write because there is not really much wrong that I can point a finger at. I found it to be a really easy read - I just zipped through it - so as a reader that was great - I'm sure there are lots of brownie points to be had there.
  
  You certainly ticked all the boxes in turning points, inciting incident, pacing, characters etc. I like how there wern't too many charactes and each one was there for a purpose.
  
  If I had to be picky - and I am being uber picky here then I would suggest the following.
  
  1. Have something in the first 10 pages to make Will a little more likable. He was ok, but not enough to make me really want to root for him. Also the name "Will". Is there a subtle pun there on God and free will? If not then I would suggest something with a bit more zing.
  
  2. The fluffly clouds in heaven is a bit overused. I know what you are going for ok but you swear a lot so presumabley the target audience is a bit older and therefore more savy as to what might be cliche.
  
  3. The toy scene at the end is very reminicient of the scene in Chitty Chitty Bang bang where the toymaker has to produce a toy for the "big kid". The ending did semme slightly rushed - you could easily afford another page or two here to draw out the tension.
  
  Other than that I can't think of anything -- great stuff. I expect this will win a competition or two.
  
  
  read
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  Fun and Imaginative
  A review of Through Hell, For Sara (v5)
  by penNink on 07/13/2010
  I generally don't laugh outloud while reading but this teased a chuckle out of me several times. Your concept is strong and I especially love your depiction of heaven. Here are a couple of things to think about for the rewrite. On p.19 I realized I had just read almost 4 solid pages of dialogue with no action description at all. For filming purposes give the actors something... I generally don't laugh outloud while reading but this teased a chuckle out of me several times. Your concept is strong and I especially love your depiction of heaven.
  
  Here are a couple of things to think about for the rewrite. On p.19 I realized I had just read almost 4 solid pages of dialogue with no action description at all. For filming purposes give the actors something to do while they're talking. This makes it more interesting to look at through the lens and gives the actor's an opportunity to emphasize emotions with their actions.
  
  At the end I was a little confused. Did Will get condemened to Purgatory? I thought the bargain was that he and his sister BOTH got out.
  
  Throughout the script, I found it too easy that the guards are bumbling and taken out by simple violence. What if each guard is a different kind of demon that has to be taken out in a different way?
  
  I really don't have that much more to say. I thought the 9 circles were imaginative and ones the audience will definetly identify with. Overall an amusing and quick read.
  
  Good luck! - Julie read
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  Nice Work with a Weird SP
  A review of Through Hell, For Sara (v5)
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 07/12/2010
  Hey there. Just finished Through Hell, For Sara. It's a strange but well written piece. In a way, I feel like I've seen piss-takes on hell before so it was nothing Earth shattering but, all in all, it's a good, casual read. If you were to focus on one thing in a rewrite (should you choose to do one) I feel like we lose Sara for a good dead of the second half of the second... Hey there.
  
  Just finished Through Hell, For Sara. It's a strange but well written piece. In a way, I feel like I've seen piss-takes on hell before so it was nothing Earth shattering but, all in all, it's a good, casual read.
  
  If you were to focus on one thing in a rewrite (should you choose to do one) I feel like we lose Sara for a good dead of the second half of the second act and the third act wraps up too quickly. These are minor things. It's a good script. Don't worry about that.
  
  Reading notes
  - Right on page one, I always prefer a more descriptive character introduction. I realize this is a matter of taste, but it's my taste and I'm sure I could find a screenwriting guru to back me up (if I could read.)
  - Your HIPSTER intro is nice.
  - For the most part, the first ten flows nicely. I think the theology of "at least respect it" would have to be in the hands of really good actors to not make it feel stiff so, if you are planning a re-write, I would look at that section again but it's a nice start. Not boring, so you're up on most folks.
  - Really nice setup of the second act. Really expertly written. No complaints from me.
  - The introduction of hell is really nice. I'm not sure about the fast talking to get around the help desk at Purgatory. Just making up a figure is OK but I would think about maybe him seeing something that makes him come up with the supplemental form? Maybe. It's oK as is. Just giving suggestions.
  - Your Villian (the Priest) is well done. Nice tension.
  - As a sophisticated man, I feel like I should hate the Styx references...but I laughed...so...you win.
  - The second level of hell is OK. It's getting worse and worse and it's funny. Around page fifty, it gets tiresome for the first time but I don't know how to fix that. It's still a nice, fun read.
  -The "people being hit on" layer is nice. It's a little close to the layer with whiny women so I think you have the opportunity to make it a little most "out there" it works fine. I'm just being nit-picky so you have some notes.
  - "I beat up people that asked too many questions" is nice.
  - I don't really understand the monkeys but maybe it's something that I missed?
  - I think the scene in Captain Fitz' office is pretty critical and I would like to see it displayed in a more visual way. It's kind of flat. as-is.
  - Somewhere in the 70s, I got really lost. I'm not sure how they got away from the Captain or why the captain took his face off. I'm sure it has to do with the shooting but I'm still not sure.
  -You've built good suspense around the reveal of Satan, btw.
  - I feel like we lost Sara for a really long time. I think maybe an interim scene with her would go a long way.
  - I like the ending but I think you could do some good work mirroring something like this in the beginning. If you did that, I apologize, but what if he sets up a new system for processing IRS claims and then goes to Hell and does the same thing.
  - I feel like the ending is a TOUCH on the quick side. Maybe that's just me but it felt a little rushed. Maybe try stetching it out in the next draft?
  
  CONCEPT: Strong, smart concept. I feel like it's been done a LITTLE bit before (maybe Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey?) but all in all, some nice stuff.
  
  CHARACTERS: Nice villain. A little bit paint by numbers with your protag but all of your characters speak in their own voice which is an accomplishment, right off the bat. Nice job with this.
  
  DIALOGUE: Some funny moments, for sure. Strong Dialogue.
  
  STORY: Crystal Clear. Good job with this.
  
  STRUCTURE: I think this is where some polish is needed. I would say think about including Sara in the second act a little more and stretch your third act. If I was being a jerk, I would say that some of the Haas stuff in the first act feels a little tacked on.
  
  Overall, nice job. I liked it. No complaints. It's very very close and it's clear you have taken your time to do this right.
  
  It was a good read. read
• 
  Review: Through Hell, For Sara
  A review of Through Hell, For Sara (v5)
  by crossroads79 on 06/23/2010
  First off, I really like the concept, you get good ratings for that alone. And they way you handled God/Satan's personalities I thought was pretty good. I knew I would've been disappointed if that was taken TOO seriously given the context of the story. Will and Sara were a bit underdeveloped in the beginning. I know there's a lot of pressure for the Inciting Incident to... First off, I really like the concept, you get good ratings for that alone. And they way you handled God/Satan's personalities I thought was pretty good. I knew I would've been disappointed if that was taken TOO seriously given the context of the story. Will and Sara were a bit underdeveloped in the beginning. I know there's a lot of pressure for the Inciting Incident to happen as quickly as possible, but don't sell your characters short at that expense. The brief argument they have is good to establish their pious/atheist personalities, but that doens't translate to devotion to each other. Perhaps they were orphaned early on, binding them together, etc. Between the scene of the bully on the boardwalk and Will's initial timidness, I didn't really see him so gung-ho about getting her out of hell. Either amp up their relationship or spend some time showing Will needs convincing to go after her.
  
  Chad was cool, to a point. The witty, bro-like banter between him and Will felt somewhat unrealistic. Will didn't strike me as someone so ready to swap such witticisms back and forth with anyone, much less in those cirucmstances, he'd be in panic mode the whole time. Some of them fell flat as it is. I'd sit on that for awhile then go back over it. The next point about the 'buddy' aspect is there's hardly any conflict between them. Sure, Chad is trying to give back and doing God a favor, but at some point he's got to just say 'fuck it' and abandon the effort for himself. Make it funny, or whatever, but I think the story lacks that. You can probably lose some of the gags as they go through ALL the circles of hell to make room for that. Use Will's beaurocratic chops to figure out a way to skip some of the levels. We didn't need all of them.
  
  I was disappointed with the 9th circle. It goes without saying that Hell's Most Wanted will include the roster of despots and serial killers, and even though you gave that away early on, I was still hoping that you'd surprise me with who's considered the worst of Hell. Just my two cents worth.
  
  And finally, the storytelling. You leaning into pretty irreverent territory to begin with and between the dialogue and gags, it seems like you pulled some punches. You describe quite a bit of blood and guts, but I think this could do well in the realm of a darker humor; shown in both Heaven and Hell. Otherwise, I thought it was a great idea and it could use some work. At least that's only my opinion. Good luck. read
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  Unique Idea, Needs Work
  A review of Through Hell, For Sara (v5)
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 06/22/2010
  2 - "bonin" needs to be "boning" or " bonin' " 6 - need "I" after "Shoot, I wore this yesterday, didn't" 6 - Unnatural dialogue - Will - "I really do apologize." 8 - The half empty bottle of Jack is not bad, but has been done countless times. It works fine, but you have nearly unlimited freedom in killing off these characters. Explore whether something different might be... 2 - "bonin" needs to be "boning" or " bonin' "
  6 - need "I" after "Shoot, I wore this yesterday, didn't"
  6 - Unnatural dialogue - Will - "I really do apologize."
  8 - The half empty bottle of Jack is not bad, but has been done countless times. It works fine, but you have nearly unlimited freedom in killing off these characters. Explore whether something different might be more unique, interesting, etc.
  
  Okay, through 8 pages, you have done a good job introducing the characters, their differences, and introducing the event that sets the movie in motion (the accident). You did a good job contrasting the brother and sister. However, a few of the scenes seem unnecessary. Why the seen with Will's boss? What purpose does it serve? In these first 10 pages, you need to hook the reader. You have a chance to do something to really demonstrate a personality trait of Will, and these scene doesn't seem to do it. Some good ideas, but could use some work.
  
  12 - Will says "I guess, not... unless this is most vivid dream ever". Add the. Little mistakes like this will annoy any reader. Be careful.
  
  12 - I like the reimagining of God as as a chubby man. Not what you would expect.
  12 - God "You never did anything that bad". This converstaion seems lazy. This is God, the almighty being. Surely, he would be a little more descriptive.
  12 - First thing Will asks God is about God? That wouldn't be the first thing I'd ask. You already showed gays in Heaven. People will get it, no need to say it again. Understatement is good, less is more. "They're good people, they never robbed a bank, killed a child....etc." Really?? No gays have ever done anything like this? They're ALL good people?
  
  20 - LOVE the line "Maybe one day"
  
  Okay, so I read the rest of it without taking detailed notes. I like the idea, but it needs some work. You have a lot of creativity, and a lot of potential, but I don't think it is fully realized yet. You are writing a movie about Heaven and Hell, and have UNLIMITED freedom to do whatever you want. You have used some interesting characters, scenes, etc, but there is so much more you can do.
  
  My advice is go through and think about every scene, interaction, action, etc. If you are not perfectly happy with it, rewrite it until you are. It is very unique and well done, just needs a little work. REWRITES are your friend. Keep up the good work! read
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  Hella Funny
  A review of Through Hell, For Sara (v5)
  by micmacmoviemaker on 06/22/2010
  Hi Dan, I was happy to get this as an assignment because I had seen it around TS for quite some time and thought it was a great premise. Overall, I really dug it and had several LOL moments. Creative, inventive, and funny. I was hoping by the end that Will and Sara would be able to figure a way to go back to earth and live out their newfound views on life, but that's neither... Hi Dan,
  
  I was happy to get this as an assignment because I had seen it around TS for quite some time and thought it was a great premise. Overall, I really dug it and had several LOL moments. Creative, inventive, and funny.
  
  I was hoping by the end that Will and Sara would be able to figure a way to go back to earth and live out their newfound views on life, but that's neither here nor there.
  
  I really don't have anything further to say apart from my reading notes, which are below. Thanks for a fun read! Peter
  ____________________________________________
  
  I like the title.
  
  Page 1: Hauss came across as to me as too cartoonish.
  
  Page 4: Why would Jim suddenly ask about his own tie? I think yo need to mesh it into the dialogue exchange better.
  
  Page 8: I like the way the medic scene is written.
  
  Page 8: Having both the gay dudes and the transexual back-to-back seems more like a political statement than a description of heaven. If there is a heaven (I'm, an atheist so yeah...) I'm sure good gay people and good transexuals would be there. But in the script it distracted me enough to note it.
  
  Page 11: And now you have Chubby God discussing it.
  
  Page 12: "Well, you get one less chip for bingo. And the buffet closes at nine for atheists. I had to give the religious something..." Love it!
  
  Page 14: "It happens...come on. I need a massage." LOL.
  
  Page 17: "This has happened before." That sort of deflates the "bigness" of the story. Now of God says, "This has never happened before and it's just in the theoretical, but..."
  
  Page 19: "You and most people. Thing is bro, it goes both ways. You stop there before going to Hell too sometimes." It's like those identical rest areas on both sides of the highway.
  
  Page 20: "They continue to fall, wordlessly, into the black abyss." You should have Will clear his throat or something else to break the awkward silence.
  
  Page 22: Fran Drescher. Wow, it truly is hell. LOL.
  
  Page 23: "Don’t look at the clock, that makes the time go by faster." Sounds odd. Does he mean slower? Or time goes by faster if she avoids the clock?
  
  Page 23: Ha! You should emphasize the DMV so everyone gets it.
  
  Page 25: You should describe a few of the ratty magazines as something that Will would never read. Or add in a few Jehovas Witness "Watchtower" pamphlets.
  
  Page 28: You should have Chowberus wearing a massive dog tag with his name on it.
  
  Page 32: I was looking forward to payoff with Trent but it didn't come.
  
  Page 37: "I never said I was a nice guy." I think Jason should say something like, "Hey, unlike you, I am in hell for a legitimate reason."
  
  Page 38: How about the hell guards are all wearing Nazi uniforms?
  
  Page 56/57: Love the hellacious pick-up up lines
  
  Page 60: "And you only know what happened to that messenger pigeon." Are you missing a word, "if"?
  
  Page 75: "Really behind on his celebrity gossip." He he
  
  Page 78: Ha!
  
  Page 79: I don't like that Will is hesitant - and that Chad is essentially leadng the way.
  
  Page 88: I don't really dig Satan as a kid. I was expecting something bigger. Better - even considering the ensuing adult morph.
  _____________________________________________
  
  Concept: Good
  Characters: Good
  Dialogue: Good
  Story: Good
  Structure: Good
  Overall: Good read
• 
  another path to hell
  A review of Through Hell, For Sara (v5)
  by Hankster266 on 11/20/2009
  Let me know where the corporate headquarters for this religion are, I wish to join. The title is good, but can be misleading, as you intended. For you were to say the word "hell" to a thousand people and you'll get a thousand different answers. Even if with the direct reference to Dente's circles of hell, you have placed an interesting twist to the circles. I liked the... Let me know where the corporate headquarters for this religion are, I wish to join. The title is good, but can be misleading, as you intended. For you were to say the word "hell" to a thousand people and you'll get a thousand different answers. Even if with the direct reference to Dente's circles of hell, you have placed an interesting twist to the circles.
  
  I liked the way you gave real world visions to heaven and hell, as apposed to clouds and fire and brimstone. I also liked the way you gave "God" and "Satan" personalities. So what I'm saying is your character development is good, the same is to be said about "world" building with in the screen play.
  
  I also liked how Will was an IRS agent. It might have been easy to make this and him a dark character. I know that not all IRS agents are bad, but the "IRS" does have a bad reputation. But his IRS training does solve many problems, especially is purgatory.
  
  I found it funning when you'd use common profanity, in the presence of that deity, and then have to apologize. I also liked that Jesus would stand in the purgatory line to give himself time to think.
  
  I didn't find any major problems with the structure or format. There are so many harsh reviews out there, you get to get a good one. You also get to get it because this is a light and funny script.
  
  A job well done
  
  Best
  read