Reviews of Timeless 6

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  Timeless Review
  A review of Timeless
  by TylerBurtonSmith on 04/30/2010
  I'll start off by saying I'm a big fan of these types of scripts to do with an unraveling mystery, mysterious figures, things to unravel as the plot goes on, so this was a fun script to read. I'll split my notes by category: CONCEPT: The concept is something that has been explored before, a man who sees brief glimpses of the future (especially in Heroes), but I think what... I'll start off by saying I'm a big fan of these types of scripts to do with an unraveling mystery, mysterious figures, things to unravel as the plot goes on, so this was a fun script to read.
  
  I'll split my notes by category:
  
  CONCEPT:
  
  The concept is something that has been explored before, a man who sees brief glimpses of the future (especially in Heroes), but I think what puts this script in a different category is the fact that the villain also has the same power, and will do anything to stop his target he has dreamed of.
  
  In most instances it is a hero having a dream of something he needs to stop, but in this case the villain dreams his own death, which is a really cool twist.
  
  My only issue was the premise is I felt we didn't get enough information on where these powers come from, what causes them, and essentially who this Enoch character is. I didn't feel like I needed to know extensive explanations, but it wasn't really touched on and I feel like a hint at the secret behind these powers would add a lot to the mythology.
  
  CHARACTERS:
  
  The main characters we care about in this kind of film are as follows:
  -The protagonist
  -The antagonist
  -The love interest
  
  As far as the hero goes, John is interesting in the fact that he deals with the burden of always knowing what is going to happen. You dealt with this in a good way when he has a speech to Angela on page 62 about living life knowing every punch line etc.
  
  However, I felt like I didn't know enough about John. We never really find out what exactly happened to his wife aside from the fact she was killed and he took vengeance on her murderers. I wanted to see more of how he has become damaged, because you have a great base for this character but I wanted to know more about what makes him the way he is and how he reacts to certain things differently because of his past.
  
  I like Atticus, he is a ruthless criminal, but again, we don't really see what he does as a criminal. I feel like the plot starts a few beats too late. We don't get a sense of the ordinary world. Suddenly Atticus is painting, but we haven't seen anything to show a sense of his criminal ways aside from his hunt for John.
  
  DIALOGUE:
  
  The dialogue is good, and fuels the plot. My only note is I think if you flush out the characters more, find certain quirks in each character, show their distinctions, then this will improve the dialogue and make it a bit more interesting.
  
  STORY:
  
  I really like the concept, and I like the cat and mouse aspect to the script. But I think there are a few questions that need to be answered within the script, because you open up some things that feel like they need to be paid off.
  
  -I felt like there needed to be a bit more of a hint as to why Enoch felt that Cass's child needed to die. How is she going to kill all these people? I dont feel like we need all the answers, but more hints to the answers, and more hints as to who Enoch is in the grand scheme of things.
  
  -How did Atticus's men find John's safehouse? This seems like a coincidence, and John even mentions it feels like a coincidence, but then we never really find out what actually happened.
  
  -John's past. I feel like we need a bit more of a hint of this. The whole script I thought his past would somehow be linked to the plot of the movie, that it was part of this grand scheme. Personally I feel like if you bring it in it has such weight that there should be a bit more of an explanation.
  
  STRUCTURE:
  
  I think you have really good structure. You hit all the major points, and there are plenty of reversals and tensions within the script. I did not see it coming that Angela would die (great twist!) and John getting stabbed in the eyes. There are a lot of great moments that are hard to see coming, which are exciting as the viewer.
  
  One thing worth noting structure-wise is that for an action/suspense movie there isn't really any action until the final 25 pages. Paul and Peter die but it is off screen, and John doesn't have any run-ins with the villains except for Cass, who he lets go. I think placing some form of a chase, or a scene where John almost gets caught in the middle of the movie would help keep the momentum up a bit more.
  
  ---------
  
  Overall I think this is a really fun script with a good twist on the genre. It was really entertaining, and I think with some tweaks it can be a great script.
  
  On your next draft try to watch for grammatical errors, one thing I noticed is there are a lot of lines without sentences at the end, including the first line of page one, which might not look good when sending to an agency. It's a simple fix though, so just do a quick read through for punctuation.
  
  Great work and I hope to read your next draft in the future! read
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  Who is John?
  A review of Timeless
  by sogd79 on 04/13/2010
  I’m not a big fan of superhero/action genre, but I enjoyed this script. It has some very cool action scenes and at the meantime there is something very Biblical about the story, especially the first act. It reminded me of story of King Herod massacring all the male children in order to kill Jesus. The script is entertaining, and it’s a pretty good draft, but there were a... I’m not a big fan of superhero/action genre, but I enjoyed this script. It has some very cool action scenes and at the meantime there is something very Biblical about the story, especially the first act. It reminded me of story of King Herod massacring all the male children in order to kill Jesus.
  
  The script is entertaining, and it’s a pretty good draft, but there were a few elements in the story which I didn’t buy, for instance your characters’ motivations.
  
  Why John was supposed to kill Atticus? Did Atticus’s actions, that is him trying to kill John caused his own death? Right now it feels a bit contrived. I think you can easily fix it by rephrasing some of your dialogue in the last act and playing the irony card.
  
  I have got the mixed feelings about your dialogue and characterization. I didn’t really understand who John really was. Was he on the run, hiding from the police? For instance, why did he keep his money in safe, not in a bank account?
  Add some depth to Atticus character. Right now he appears to be one dimensional.
  
  I suspect that the last sequence, when John was trying to save Cass and her baby was added to show John’s character change. I didn’t think he “earned” it.(the character change), and that is why it felt a bit forced.
  
  There is too much detail in some of your descriptions. And I’d suggest you to break down those lengthy paragraphs. Replace all your Present Continuous with Present Simple.
  
  Overall, I see a good commercial potential here. Good luck with a rewrite.
  read
• 
  Not bad
  A review of Timeless
  by karthig on 04/11/2010
  You have a cool story here. I'm a sucker for superpowers stuff. This KIND-OF reminded me of Heroes. Once again, I like the story. John is a cool character. Mysterious. I didn't like how he revealed to Angela that his wife was murdered. "Are you happy now?" It just sounded too whiny for him. There were tons of formating errors in the script. You were missing so many... You have a cool story here. I'm a sucker for superpowers stuff. This KIND-OF reminded me of Heroes. Once again, I like the story.
  
  John is a cool character. Mysterious. I didn't like how he revealed to Angela that his wife was murdered. "Are you happy now?" It just sounded too whiny for him.
  
  There were tons of formating errors in the script. You were missing so many periods. Some of the grammar was also awkward.
  
  Your action descriptions are too meaty as well. Try to break it down by dividing it shot by shot.
  
  I didn't like how the mystery man was played out. I was hoping that would be a cool spin, but in the end it wasn't anyone we already knew. It would be better if you could set him up a bit better.
  
  Also, why couldn't the mystery man simply tell John the who truth from the start? About the baby being destined to bring misery, etc. You must find a way him to do that. Why doesn't he just meet John in person and convince him by showing him the extent of his powers?
  
  Also, Atticus sees himself being reunited with his daughter in the future. But he dies before then. Are his powers off? I thought only John's visions weren't predetermined.
  
  The dialogue needs a lot of work. This is the last of your worries though.
  
  Good luck. read
• 
  Good, not great
  A review of Timeless
  by blue_box on 04/11/2010
  There are a few things I liked about this. The characters: They seemed real. The relationship between John and Angela worked well. Their dialogue with each other was quick and sharp. Atticus was the clear villain. His action clearly stated he was the villain. (ie. having Paul and Peter killed, getting his "team" to kill anyone that looked like John) The minor characters,... There are a few things I liked about this.
  
  The characters: They seemed real. The relationship between John and Angela worked well. Their dialogue with each other was quick and sharp. Atticus was the clear villain. His action clearly stated he was the villain. (ie. having Paul and Peter killed, getting his "team" to kill anyone that looked like John) The minor characters, Paul, Peter and Chuck, were also very interesting. I wanted to hear some more of their dialogue.
  
  The plot: The actual plot was very well constructed. The characters spent the entire time working towards solving their conflicts. It stayed consistent. John had motivation and that was never lost either.
  
  Dialogue: At first, the dialogue was awkward. Even though Atticus is a rich guy, he doesn't have to talk like one. But you got better when it came to John, Angela, Chuck, Peter, Paul, and Cass. I could really hear the characters saying what you wrote.
  
  What I didn't like:
  
  Character deaths: I do realize that that was supposed to happen, but it was awkward. Even though Cass had spent a good part of her life with them, she didn't even blink when she killed Paul and Peter. (Then later on, when she had her baby, she was teary and emotional)
  
  The spelling/grammar: You often forgot commas where they should have been. There also wasn't any periods after single sentences. An example,
  "'PAUL-The boss sure has good taste' PETER-'And they say money can’t buy you happiness...' The men laugh" Sometimes, words were wrong. Like, you meant to say me, but actually wrote he. Go over with a spell check program. read
• 
  I see a serious rewrite in your future........
  A review of Timeless
  by tishanddavid on 04/10/2010
  This read more like a comic book then anything else.It kept reminding me of Dick Tracey.You have some very good vilians .You have some funny moments and sometimes the dialogue works.HOWEVER you are going to need to pull this and do a massive rewrite.I started taking notes below but got tired and kept wondering why you didnt bother to proof read this your self. the job of teh... This read more like a comic book then anything else.It kept reminding me of Dick Tracey.You have some very good vilians .You have some funny moments and sometimes the dialogue works.HOWEVER you are going to need to pull this and do a massive rewrite.I started taking notes below but got tired and kept wondering why you didnt bother to proof read this your self. the job of teh reviewer here on TS or any other site is not to be your private editor but to assist you in what can be done to help you write a really amazing spec that actually has a chance on the big screen.
  
  With that said you need to look at the examples I have prvided below and really thinkabout ALL of the reviews and then write an SP that flows and is aquick read.Right now its blocky and you are going to need to really streamline the action scenes.I think after you really write and rewrite this a couple times it might actually be pretty good BUT you have a lot to do. Good luck
  Tisha
  
  PAGE NOTES
  Page 1. Write page 1 at top of page, -2 armed -write the word not the letter.every single time. CONT. The boss sure has good taste (.)--Start looking at every page every paragragh almost everyone is missing a period at the end or a coma.
  
  
  Page2.- Atticus violently wakes up, he touches his chest looking for a bullet wound that isn’t there. He looks around very scared, gets out of the bed and turns all the lights on. He gets a bottle of Whiskey out of the bar and pours himself a glass with ice. He drinks and tries to calm himself down.The ice in the glass keeps crashing into each other because his hand is shaking. He puts the glass down as he notices this. Grabs a phone and dials a couple of numbers.
  
  Okay you have an issue with telling and not showing.Heres an example paragragh to look at its not a lot, but it runs smoother-
  
  Waking up violently from his slumber he grasps his chest as if looking for a bullet wound that couldnt possibly exist. Terrified he climbs out of bed turning on the lights as he passes.Taking a top brand bottle of whisky from his well stocked bar he pours himself a glass light on the ice.His hand trembles as he sploshes the liquor on himself.Sighing he picks up the phone to make a call.
  
  Page 3 INT. BAR IN RURAL AUSTRALIA,(-) NIGHT check for formatting you have a LOT of mistakes. CONT.Did you just woke(WAKE) up
  Page 4 I will give you these (this)$50, for the
  Page 6 It’s very painful.You cant tell emotion you have to show it.Use adjectives like umm..I dunno, he winces,he cringes,crying out he sucks his finger.You get it, right? CONT.Peter and Paul are their same positions. MONTY, 30, blonde,slime, WHAT NOW ??Dont you mean slim??
  Page 8 from this page on please capatlize Greeks and Asians etc.
  Page 15 START MONTAGE then when all done END MONTAGE
  Page 17 Atticus stands up violently- When they show this on film will he be having a massive seizure??Im just trying to figure out what standing up violently looks like.........CONT.Dont run dialogue off page DONT write MORE.
  Page 18 ATTICUS How many men did we just killed?- You seem to have some serious issues with that whole future, past present tense thingie going on- check every page for the errors.
  Page 25 The Cook falls down bleeding a lot.Everything seems to be A LOT. Again use adectives like proffusly etc to show and not tell it also helps to keep the readers attention.
  Page 26 (She strongly holds- I dont think STRONGLY is even a word..how about..tightly?
  Page 30 (For all remaining scenes Angela is seen barefoot)At this point Im really going to suggest you get a formatting bible and get religious with it.
  Page 32 whipping her mouth- wipeing.
  Page 38 ANGELA What did they wanted?- Again with past , future etc.
  Page 43 safe house all the money you had in your department.( APARTMENT)
  Page 54 JOHN You think he put the much thought into it. (?)
  Page 55 INT. PENTHOUSE(-). NIGHT Atticus and Cass are having wild and violent sex- Of course...
  Page 56 John is sleeping on the couch. Angela comes walking in quickly and quietly. She is scared and wakes him up.-Look at this example.Try and snappen this writting up.Use adjectives dont make it so blocky and robot like.
  Page 86 He (his) hair is read
• 
  A Good Start
  A review of Timeless
  by JasonDiggy on 04/09/2010
  Hi. I liked your script for the most part. First thing, though, is this needed to be proofed. It makes it difficult to read when there are so many typos. But besides that, you have something here. My only wish for your work would be to make the dialogue snappier. This kind of movie needs snappy, fun dialogue. Dialogue with an edge. As it stands now, there are many places where... Hi. I liked your script for the most part. First thing, though, is this needed to be proofed. It makes it difficult to read when there are so many typos. But besides that, you have something here. My only wish for your work would be to make the dialogue snappier. This kind of movie needs snappy, fun dialogue. Dialogue with an edge. As it stands now, there are many places where the dialogue is too obvious and too over-explained.
  
  Dialogue like “You are the professionals here. That’s why you are here and that’s why I pay you good money. I give you the target and you come up with a plan and execute it. If you don’t want the job just say so and I’ll find others...” Can be cut down a lot. It seems you are explaining to the viewer rather than what the characters would really say. You can IMPLY these things in other ways. For example, all this can be replaced with “What am I paying you for? Do your job.” Or make it more witty: “If I hire a whore, I expect her to put out. Now do your job!” Make it edgier and give the viewers something to think about rather than laying it all out there for them and over-explaining everything.
  
  First 10 pages - So far your script is quite interesting. The characters are coming through. The atmosphere you’re trying for is coming out. The genre is clear. I’m still not sure what it’s all about, but my interest is there. Just a tad overwritten as previously discussed.
  
  A few other points:
  
  Concerns/Questions/Observations:
  p. 2 - “What do you want?... What did I do?” Wouldn’t he ask who it was first? Unless he knows the person, then okay. But “What did I do?” is a weird question.
  p. 5 - “I’ll be back!” That’s really overdone. Try to be more unique.
  p. 15 - “INT. DEPARTMENT. NIGHT” What is “DEPARTMENT”? Not very clear.
  
  Typos
  Global - You’re missing periods (full stops) at the end of many lines of dialogue.
  p. 2 - “Out of a draw he gets pen...” drawer?
  p. 5 - “John has blood puring down his face...” pouring
  p. 7 plus many other places - “Foxy Cass, old timer Russo, that asian dude...” Asian (cap)
  p. 7 plus many other places - “Are we after the greeks?” Greeks (cap)
  p. 8 - “Nods and "Yeah’s" from the men” Yeahs (not apostrophe S. Apostrophe S means possessive. Plural is just S alone and never with an apostrophe. Also, you need a period at the end of this sentence.
  p. 20 - “The diner has an old 60’s americana look.” Americana (cap)
  p. 34 plus other places - “Souvlaki’s” Souvlakis (again, never apostrophe S)
  p. 34 - “Extra chilli sauce on mine” chili.
  p. 65 - “INT.PENTHOUSE. NIGHT“ Space after INT.
  p. 66 - “Cass looks at the womans clothes...” woman’s (NOW you use an apostrophe!)
  p. 88 - “Then you probably haven’t heard of the marianists.” Marianists (cap)
  
  Technical
  p. 2 - Sluglines should be with a hyphen, not a period before DAY or NIGHT. Like “EXT. SYDNEY SKYLINE - NIGHT”
  p. 2 - Try to keep your action descriptions down to a maximum of 4 or 5 lines. Most people reading scripts do not like to read long passages. It’s okay to break for another paragraph, especially if the action would require a different camera angle.
  p. 2 - “It’s him again.” Try to get rid of lines that don’t add anything, especially if they over-explain things. The next line tells the viewer who it is...we can easily guess. Who else would it be anyway? In fact, this whole exchange can be cut down as much of it is repetitive, and not just the 4 o’clock repeats which you use for humour. Keep that.
  
  Good stuff. I look forward to seeing what you’ll be doing next with this. Good luck with this and your writing. read