Reviews of Tomboys 13

• 
  Well Done
  A review of Tomboys
  by mike_cerisano on 12/13/2008
  This is my first review on the site so Im not quite sure how this is supposed to go so forgive me if Im not as informative as should be. I really liked how it stared, gave you a good impression of what kind of a guy Danny is. But the thing that I was waiting to happen was to see Laura again. After reading the scene with her I had the distinct impression she would be back... This is my first review on the site so Im not quite sure how this is supposed to go so forgive me if Im not as informative as should be.
  
  I really liked how it stared, gave you a good impression of what kind of a guy Danny is. But the thing that I was waiting to happen was to see Laura again. After reading the scene with her I had the distinct impression she would be back somehow but I guess not and the script is no worse without it.
  I really liked the ending with sarah leaving and Danny kinda rebooting his life with a new child and parter(in a way). I also liked how it was kept open at the end. Its definitely possible that Veronica might not stay gay, at least that what looks like is implied to me.
  I also really liked the Starbucks scenes, the dialogue was really good there. While the scenes may not have been much plot, it introduced a number of characters and gave Danny time for more character development. That is why I thought alot of the Veronica/Danny dialog wasn't so great. The dialogue between the guys was perfect and natural, but it just didn't sound natural when thinking of a washed up jock and new age hipster talking to each other. Sometimes Danny sounds like he's Kevin's age, and while its not totally bad because Danny is a kid in a mans body, it seemed like when I read it it was happening too often. By the way, Veronica was a great, well constructed character.
  
  Sorry if i cant give much criticism, Im new but really good job. Everything gets to a climax , without any real concrete problems. Everything just piles on to create this sad but bright outcome. Good job read
• 
  Nice, Tall Mild. Nice.
  A review of Tomboys
  by Elemeno Pee on 12/05/2008
  It took me a few pages to really get into this. I remember downloading it at work a few weeks back, glancing it over, then just losing interest. Yesterday was when I decided to open it up again-- I read it in one sitting. I'm not sure why I was so underwhelmed the first time; maybe the first few pages didn't strike a chord with me. However, I ended up really liking this a lot... It took me a few pages to really get into this. I remember downloading it at work a few weeks back, glancing it over, then just losing interest. Yesterday was when I decided to open it up again-- I read it in one sitting. I'm not sure why I was so underwhelmed the first time; maybe the first few pages didn't strike a chord with me. However, I ended up really liking this a lot and was thoroughly entertained. I actually laughed out loud on a few parts.
  
  I think it takes a steady hand to write unique characters, especially likeable ones. Danny isn't particularly someone I can relate to, but his honesty and dry wit really drives the character's energy. (In my head, it was very Paul Rudd-like delivery.)
  
  On Page 5, Jake's second line: change "you're" to "your". Other than that, I don't recall too many typing errors.
  
  Danny's growing relationship with Fitz is my favorite aspect of the story. It shows what Danny is capable of, even if Sarah doesn't notice. I think there's a strong dynamic you've created between him and every one of his "relationships". Danny's an unhappily married man and a somewhat estranged Father, yet he is also youthful and outgoing with Veronica and a mentor/father-figure to Fitz. I found the parallels interesting. Is this your first draft?
  
  Sarah is probably my least favorite character. I don't feel it sympathizes with her enough. Every scene she's in reads like she's selfish and mean-spirited. The problem with this is that we want to like her to better understand Danny's growth. I hope that makes sense. Also, I'm not sure I want Danny to fall for Veronica. (At least not openly.) I really like the idea that he believes a married man can be just friends with another female. I think her coming out of the closet really nails that.
  
  I honestly don't have too many objections to the story. It does feel like you off-roaded it a bit, but it plays so naturally given the chaotic relationship themes. The more I consider the ending, the more I think it works. It doesn't give in or force any overused cliches and yet still leaves room for positive cicumstances. Really, though, great job. Good luck with this.
  
  read
• 
  Review
  A review of Tomboys
  by Mr. Bush on 12/05/2008
  I thought this was a well written screenplay. The characters were believable. They all had distinct voices. Following Danny as the main character it was interesting to see his relationships with the other characters (Sarah, Kevin, Fitz and Veronica) and how they developed. This only made Danny's character more convincing and engaging. The only suggestion I might throw out... I thought this was a well written screenplay. The characters were believable. They all had distinct voices. Following Danny as the main character it was interesting to see his relationships with the other characters (Sarah, Kevin, Fitz and Veronica) and how they developed. This only made Danny's character more convincing and engaging. The only suggestion I might throw out there would pertain to the beginning of the story. It didn't really command my attention. The pacing was good. It start out slow for me but got more interesting as I turned the pages. My other suggestion would be to possibly spend a little more time on the miscarriage situation. This would only bring the reader closer to the core of the conflict between Danny and Sarah. Overall Good Story! Good Luck! read
• 
  Review of Tomboys
  A review of Tomboys
  by kwjensen on 11/16/2008
  Tomboys I liked this script. It’s got great, unique characters... witty dialogue and touching scenes. Structure seems to be lacking a bit however. It took along time for the mission of the protag to unfold... and to be honest it never really does. The characters and dialogue manage to keep this from being a huge problem. But, if you can state his objective clearly, this... Tomboys
  
  I liked this script. It’s got great, unique characters... witty dialogue and touching scenes.
  
  Structure seems to be lacking a bit however. It took along time for the mission of the protag to unfold... and to be honest it never really does. The characters and dialogue manage to keep this from being a huge problem. But, if you can state his objective clearly, this will really take your script up aother notch.
  
  Your strength can be your weakness. What does that mean? Dialogue. You write some of the best dialogue I’ve read... but I think you lean too heavily on it for laughs, and it comes at the expense of a crisp, clean forward moving story. There are lot of scenes with a lot of hilarious banter, but don’t really move the story forward. This movie is really a character study (in my opinion) and so “story” takes a backseat. That’s fine, but the story needs to be in the car! Sometimes you leave it behind and realize, “shit, I left the story back there somewhere!” Sometimes the story seems to be only lip service.
  
  Two pieces of advice. 1. Make sure the protag’s objective is clear... even if his life is unclear... he still wants something. 2. Get in your scenes late and get out early. Many times I felt that the scene had done its job, but we hang around for maybe another page. Granted, all this dialogue keeps adding to the character... but it can bog down the story.
  
  One last thing... I would do some tweaking to blur the American Beauty parallels a little. I got the feeling that you watched that movie and then cranked out something with those themes I mind. I think those are themes that are worth exploring again and again... just make sure your take is different. I think of the old phrase, “give me the same thing, only different.” Your story doesn’t feel different enough.
  
  Overall, this script has A LOT of potential to be great. I wish you the best of luck with the rewrite and don’t hesitate to contact me if you have any questions.
  
  Notes:
  
  
  DANNY
  Wow. Okay...Good luck with that.
  (beat)
  I'm gonna take a quick shower before
  you, that okay?
  KEVIN
  Yeah.
  
  If that scene is intended to convey that Kevin doesn’t know what’s going on with his son, why do you not let that be the end of the scene? The shower comment is a bad way to end a scene. Get out of the scene as soon as its purpose is served. The extra stuff does nothing.
  
  7 – instead of a 7 line piece of Portland description, why not use a SERIES OF SHOTS?
  
  4 – VOICE – you identify the speaker even if we haven’t met him/her yet. JAKE
  
  4 – “Voice”... then “voice on phone”. See comment above.
  
  9 – This scene has already served its purpose...
  
  12 If OLDER GENTLEMAN has a name... which he does, use it.
  
  15 – A scene should start with some description... not dialogue
  
  18 – Dialogue is very expository. These long speeches can be pared down into something more concise.
  
  22-23 The banter of these guys is funny but where is this going?
  
  29 – where is this going?
  
  Many white spaces in the script. Something is up (I think) when you’re converting to PDF. Check it out and scan your pdf before posting.
  
  I already see about 10 pages of stuff to be cut. We get it... Danny doesn’t pay enough attention to Kevin. That can all be said in a lot less. Sorry to keep harping on this, but.... Where is this story going? I’m waiting to see the objective of Danny.
  
  41 – just still not sure what this guy’s objective is.
  
  I’m reminded of American Beauty here.... lots of similar elements (the next door neighbor named FITZ). In that movie, Lester has an objective... he hates his old life... he’s lost something... but it’s never too late to get it back!
  
  You’ve got a similar character with no objective.
  
  51 – great ideas here but you have to move the story forward a little more proficiently. It’s dragging down with all the dialogue.
  
  58 - A few lights are on in the is sparsely furnished and” mesed up
  
  Cut the song playing over Danny watching Veronica.... it’s a little too American Beauty... and isn’t Andy Williams a bit out of the era you’re working with here?
  
  91 – the dishwashing scene... another American Beauty nod... be careful having too many.
  
  finally... the title, "Tomboys." I would change the title to something that hints at the meaning of your story... not just an element that is totally tertiary. read
• 
  Great Job!
  A review of Tomboys
  by Jokers_favor on 10/29/2008
  Being a big fan of the drama/comedy genre I really liked this. I think it’s a very marketable script, that has potential to really reach people. What’s great about the script is that it’s funny through speech, not outward jokes; it’s very human in that sense. You do describe a lot of thoughts in your descriptions, not a very good idea, usually people reading scripts now just... Being a big fan of the drama/comedy genre I really liked this. I think it’s a very marketable script, that has potential to really reach people. What’s great about the script is that it’s funny through speech, not outward jokes; it’s very human in that sense. You do describe a lot of thoughts in your descriptions, not a very good idea, usually people reading scripts now just want quick action, I myself don’t agree with that because really you’re writing for actors etc, expressing the emotions outwardly makes their jobs easier, but most people don’t see it that way so try and hide these revelations in dialogue or action.
  Aside from the humorous dialogue, the more extraneous dialogue feels a little forced and like the characters are going through the motions for our benefit. I’d definitely create more of an unspoken connection between the family. Most families have a bit of an understanding in terms of how their household runs. I’d definitely try a couple rewrites. As far as “on the nose” I don’t often think that’s a bad things, I know when I’m talking to friends and family for the most part I say what I’m feeling, I don’t keep it under the surface, it really keeps the script feeling poignant because we know what’s happening under the surface and are able to realize how that affects the characters.
  The best story telling here has to be between Fitz and Danny. You paint a really natural connection between them. The other relationships are great but this is definitely the tone you should be striving for. One aspect which I really liked were the scenes in Starbucks. It was great to have these breaking up the scenes and giving us more insight into the characters. I think a lot of people on this site may see that as unnecessary because they tend to hate a story that takes it’s time. But I see this as a great character based script and these scenes are nothing but great character work, not to mention funny.
  The length is perfect, you’ll see a lot of longer comedies coming out now, it’s just the rising of the tide. This script has a great pace and it’s brisk. The length for me was great, it gave you an opportunity to really add some interesting characterizations and I believe that’s why your characters like Danny, Sarah, veronica and Kevin are very well drawn. Great character work
  I really enjoyed this I think it’s got a great premise, it’s really funny, the characters are really original for the most part, and it’s not predictable at all. Great job! read
• 
  Finally a good one!
  A review of Tomboys
  by grendle308 on 10/26/2008
  To start off, excellent idea basing this out of Oregon (being from there myself). And you’re spot on about those Subarus – but I have to say, Eugene is worse hippie-wise. It’s a very funny script – from dialogue to even your descriptions. I think it runs better as a comedy than a drama. You might want to even throw more jokes in. The scene with the baristas talking about... To start off, excellent idea basing this out of Oregon (being from there myself). And you’re spot on about those Subarus – but I have to say, Eugene is worse hippie-wise.
  
  It’s a very funny script – from dialogue to even your descriptions. I think it runs better as a comedy than a drama. You might want to even throw more jokes in. The scene with the baristas talking about Danny and his friends made me laugh out loud. Excellent job.
  
  I don’t know if every scene we see of Danny and Sarah should be centered around them fighting. After two fight scenes I get the picture that they’re having problems. After four fight scenes I get bored.
  
  I’d be careful about specifying exact songs, as it’s a potential licensing nightmare for studios and production companies. I’d also be careful about describing what kinds of thoughts people are having, as this is 100% non-communicable visually.
  
  Camera angles and editing decisions should be spelled out in the script an entirely different way than you’re putting them down. Check out John August’s site for some formatting examples.
  
  Some dialogue, at some spots, is forced. Things like “What is your name?” could become “What’s your name?” to make it read more naturally.
  
  I don’t necessarily like how you don’t split your paragraphs up. I think this would be a quicker read if you kept them down to four lines each time.
  
  I want it to be shorter. Too many comedies these days are edging over two hours in length. I’m a big fan of short and sweet. Your plot is simple and entertaining enough that you don’t need so much of, for example, the Russian neighbors. I think you could make this script better if you cut it down to 90 pages – and reallocated the information and story building you need (like Danny’s baseball teachings to Fitz) to other areas being ignored at that moment (the sorta kinda love thing with Scout). They can play catch too, and at that moment in the script, the last thing I want to see is catch with the Russian neighbors. You’ve set up a good sexy storyline that needs attention right when it happens, otherwise it becomes stale. That said, the Fitz storyline is still good and can be kept – but the whole script is too long and this could be spliced down.
  
  But, I enjoyed myself throughout. And I have to thank you for writing the first Triggerstreet script that I actually enjoyed reading. *clap* *clap* read
• 
  Can't get enough of Fitz
  A review of Tomboys
  by hywelberry on 10/25/2008
  There’s one relationship in your script that I think plays really well, and that is between Fitz and Danny. I also think it epitomizes the tone you were going for with the script. We see a real love develop between two characters who are virtual strangers when we meet them as he teaches her how to throw a curveball and buys her cotton candy. It’s personal, it’s believable and... There’s one relationship in your script that I think plays really well, and that is between Fitz and Danny. I also think it epitomizes the tone you were going for with the script. We see a real love develop between two characters who are virtual strangers when we meet them as he teaches her how to throw a curveball and buys her cotton candy. It’s personal, it’s believable and its presentation to the reader is done almost entirely through very well written subtext.
  
  If all of the relationships and parts of Danny’s life fit together in the same manner then I think you’d really be onto something. Unfortunately, the other main relationships – his friends, Veronica, Sarah and Kevin – are played out with a lot of dialogue that is very ’on the nose’ and very little actual development.
  
  The dialogue between Danny, Sarah and Kevin plays as particularly unrealistic a lot of the time. They do not sound like a family – even an unhappy one – they sound like people who have just met and have to keep explaining to each other what’s going on. A re-write to show the subtext between Sarah and Danny is particularly important. Husbands and wives very rarely talk about needing support, or who fell out of love with who after the miscarriage. They talk about who should be emptying the dishwasher, or who needs to drive Kevin to school, or why its important to have gold cushions in the living room, but these conversations are choc full of the anger, frustration, love or apathy of each person.
  
  Again, going back to the Fitz relationship, I totally get how this affects and develops our protagonist. It gives him the second chance he needed to succeed at being a parent. But what do the other relationships give him? Veronica’s is especially important, as it’s the key relationship in terms of time. He learns to love again I guess, but because of her sexuality it forces this development to be unresolved, if not dangerous to Danny, since he has in essence decided to finally cheat on his wife for this new relationship. They talk a lot about his issues with inadequacy after having to give up a sports career at a young age, but I don’t think she helps him overcome these feelings does she? He’s still in the same job at the end and he’s still unhappy with it as far as I can see.
  
  In terms of Kevin I was not entirely clear what the resolution was. Had Kevin forgiven his father? Had they leaned to love each other again? He still had not stood up to his mother and made his own decisions about his future, as I assume Danny wanted him to.
  
  The friends take up a lot of time in the script. The Starbucks scenes are very long and very slow but do not seem to affect Danny’s life very much. His friends seem neither a positive nor negative influence on his life. They’re just there, and they all talk a lot – again about very on the nose topics. A middle aged man chatting to his friends about baseball while surreptitiously eyeing up the very young waitress in Starbucks will tell us more about the state of a man’s marriage in 15 seconds than 5 pages of dialogue about how he and his wife keep arguing.
  
  I can’t bring up the Fitz relationship enough. It shows a real control of the subtleties of relationships and human development on your part. Without wanting to make it all seem very simple – you need to make all the other relationships like this one. No ‘witty banter’ is needed with Fitz, just simple honest emotion. She needs help and she needs someone to look after her, and Danny steps up.
  
  I’m not suggesting he needs to achieve all of his goals. Clearly you’re not trying to write a sickly sweet, Disney channel tale of redemption where a man solves a lifetime of problems in 4 weeks just because he meets a young girl who allows him to recapture his youth. I think you’re going for ‘Ordinary people’ not ‘Curly Sue’.
  
  Some relationships are going to be beyond him. Kevin is the best example of this in your script. You do a good job of showing that teenage relationships are virtually impossible. The best parents in the world will never relate perfectly with their teenage son, but I think we need to know that it goes somewhere and be clear on what has been achieved or failed, and it should have something more clearly to do with your first act development, in this case, his meeting with Veronica. If that is the key story point then everything that happens after should happen in some manner because of this meeting. It feels at present as if he would have met Fitz and he would have tried harder with Kevin and he would have separated from his wife whether he had met Veronica or not. Therefore, Act 2 feels very slow because it is a lot of events and stories that do not seem to connect as clearly as they should.
  
  Your writing style is clear and readable. Its quick and easy to get through pages and some of the bantering between Danny and Veronica is very good fun. One the whole I think you could do with losing a lot of dialogue and concentrate on the old writing credo ‘show don’t tell’.
  
  One final thing to mention – I would introduce at least one female character who we – the male reader – also like, but who does not like sports. It feels a little simplistic and stereotypical that all girls who like sports are cool and those who don’t are crabby, demanding women who we should divorce. What if one of Danny’s daily coffee companions was female? It may add a more interesting element to their daily discussions and give more chances for their inane chat to relate to Danny’s life and the decisions he has to make. read
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  Dig Deeper
  A review of Tomboys
  by xfactor on 10/25/2008
  Robert. I want to preface my review by saying that everything I tell you, of course is subjective. I have been writing seriously for a few years and studying everything I can about the art and science of writing scripts. I’m using ‘industry terms’ in my review because it is the language of the craft; not because I am trying to appear more qualified than I am. My main thought... Robert. I want to preface my review by saying that everything I tell you, of course is subjective. I have been writing seriously for a few years and studying everything I can about the art and science of writing scripts. I’m using ‘industry terms’ in my review because it is the language of the craft; not because I am trying to appear more qualified than I am.
  
  My main thought was- What are you trying to say in this story? You write clearly and intelligently. That is not the issue. I guess I am a strong believer that a writer should give us his own insight into the world through a unique story.
  
  I didn’t feel like TOMBOYS was a compelling drama, which basically means that I think you should focus your apparent creative talents on conjuring up a more dramatic premise.
  
  You have simulated the real world well, but you aren’t showing me a fresh take on it. I would categorize TOMBOYS as a maturation story but I don’t get the sense of any genuine change in Danny. I don’t feel like he has gone through a life-changing ordeal; that he has been pushed and tested enough.
  
  Some positives:
  
  You write with wit: Names like Pink Lattes, Bon Judy, The Gender Benders. Conversations between the Pink Lattes is Tarantino-esque.
  
  Good observations about everyday behaviors- frustration over woman ordering for the office at Starbucks, employees and customers both having their own nick-names for each other.
  
  Scene and character descriptions are good. Well written. Using active verbs ‘cruises’, ‘slides’, ‘peeks’, etc…
  
  Good sense of description. Not too much or too little.
  
  Nice character development. I get the sense that Veronica has her own voice. Good dialogue for her:
  “No problem. Were you really gonna
  get under that bus for a buck fifty?”
  Some nice funny moments between her and Danny.
  
  I like the character of Fitz. I feel for this young girl and get a sense of her determination and focus. There were some nice touches with her and Kevin at the piano.
  
  Some negatives:
  
  A lot of your dialogue is on the nose. Danny and Sarah are always speaking the truth, telling each other in plain words, their true feelings.
  
  Right away, in the beginning:
  SARAH
  (exasperated)
  Danny, what the hell? You said you
  would be home by eleven, you said
  you'd finish the dishes. I can't do
  everything.
  (beat)
  It's just a little frustrating-I mean
  it just shows a lack of courtesy and
  respect. I'm sick of it...
  
  And in the end:
  SARAH
  Even before we tried to have another
  baby- even before I got sick and we
  lost it. It wouldn't have mattered.
  You always felt like I took something
  away from you. Having a baby was not
  going to fix us. And then after.
  Afterwards you just gave up. You
  disappeared.
  
  Kevin confesses his feelings to Danny in the end, as well. Although some people are better than others at this in real life I believe that for drama there needs to be subtext. If you were going to act these roles you wouldn’t have anything to bring to the table. There is nothing hidden.
  
  The story lacks a sense of drama; events that build and then pay off. I think your inciting incident is the pass that the attractive woman makes at Danny on page 15 but I don’t feel as if that ‘sets the story in motion’.
  
  
  Structurally:
  Where does Act 2 begin? Is it Danny meeting Veronica on the bus on page 37 or is it when Sarah leaves Danny to be on his own with Kevin on page 52? Same with Act 3- I didn’t feel like things came to a head at any point, where Danny was really forced to take a look at his life and face making a change. They talk about Hard Act Breaks not because writing should be formulaic but because good stories organically have defined beginnings, middles, and ends.
  
  Ending:
  I felt like things wrapped up very quickly in the end. It was as if Sarah decided that she was going to go and everything just happened without any emotional depth from anyone.
  
  Ultimately, I would have liked to see a deeper exploration of your characters. I feel like this story stayed on the surface and that is a shame because you have created an opportunity to explore these themes of relationships and love but stopped short of making it your own.
  
  Overall, I congratulate you on your accomplishment. I understand how difficult it is to write a script and I think that you write well and have obvious ability to tell a story, but I feel that TOMBOYS isn’t compelling enough material until you take it to a deeper level. read
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  Home vs. Visitors
  A review of Tomboys
  by Tony_Bishop on 10/25/2008
  Recommend a character/scene exposition that makes people want to keep reading. Still nothing by page three. Lots of unnecessary detail in shot descriptions while other more important decriptions are left out. By page five, there are already two commercial product placements. Still no conflict present by page 15. Characters still have nothing to maintain viewer interest. Why... Recommend a character/scene exposition that makes people want to keep reading. Still nothing by page three. Lots of unnecessary detail in shot descriptions while other more important decriptions are left out. By page five, there are already two commercial product placements. Still no conflict present by page 15. Characters still have nothing to maintain viewer interest. Why is Laura coming on to Danny? Page 20, still no conflict aside from minor argument in car and characters are becoming less believable. Page 30 and the biggest conflict, so far, is the plunger in the toilet. We still have no idea what it is that Sarah actually does for a living, or why it's so important to her. If it's not important to the audience or the story, why is it cited as a major plot conflict? Why should the audience care about her career? Page 50 and we know Sarah has something to do with fundraising, but no idea why, or for whom. Still no story/character conflict. Characters still have no engaging qualities. Page 54, first we've heard that nursing students frequent the coffeshop; now, first entering just as they are first mentioned. Why is Danny such a busy-body with his neighbor? He and his buddies seem more like an old woman's gossip club and neighborhood busy-body team. But, nothing yet makes me think any of the guys are friends with each other. Page 63-64, Sarah has really degraded. Her speech and language did not impressed me as well-educated to begin with. Now, it's reverted to high school level. Page 69, I still can't figure out why Veronica is fascinated with Danny. Doesn't he wear a wedding ring? He gets there, hears the tail-end of one song, and her band is off for the night? Then, he can give any kind of opinion on the music? Page 70, we finally learn that Sarah's foundation raises money for abused and abandoned children. We haven't seen any, only her rubbing elbows with the wealthy. Are we supposed to see Sarah as a hero? Where are all the abused and abandoned kids? Story has yet to engender any concern for Danny. Page 73, Veronica is a waitress at a coffeehouse, plays on a soccer team, and a base guitarist in a music group. She "has her shit together?" Page 75-80, should have been about Fitz. Every bit was about Danny. Fitz was just a prop. Page 88, I think it would take more than 2 minutes for Danny and Fitz to walk, get all that food from concession, then walk back. Page 90, Huh? Where in the world did all that about the lost second child come from? The audience should have been told that in the exposition. Page 101, Before now, Danny was just boring. Now, he's a cheating jerk and we care about him even less. Still trying to figure out why the audience should care about Danny. Page 105, Can't figure out why Danny and Kevin keep sleeping in the living room in sleeping bags. Page 110, After over 100 pages of lazy cheating, sport stadiums, coffeeshops and nightclubs, this scene is too much too late. Nothing else in the story had anything to do with this argument. It's entirely out of the blue, as if we left one movie to go watch the end of a different one. Why didn't Danny just tell Sarah about the cell phone calls, "It's a lesbian sport-nut I met at the coffeeshop?"
  
  Would rather have seen this story from Sarah's POV and more dealing with the children she worked to help. Her sorrow and conflict at the loss of her second child. The story never did deal with the real issue between Sarah and Danny. It was mentioned briefly, then ignored as if it were just a reason for them to argue. Feel that the maturity of the subject matter is beyond the writer's capacity. The writer avoided dealing with anything mature. Thought Danny was supposed to grow up, but it looks more like he did a real back-slide. I don't see a 10-year-old girl and a 20-something lesbian doing a 35-year-old man much good on his road to maturity. It seems the story would have been much more interesting told from any other character's POV than Danny's. It felt as if the writer avoided the seriousness of the subject as much as Danny. Did not find any of the excessive commercial product placement necessary. read
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  flawed but worth a look
  A review of Tomboys
  by darkandstormy on 10/24/2008
  I know guys like Danny; although he's annoyingly immature there's something endearing about him; any time a lead character is someone you can root for, you've scored points...good banter between Danny, Booker, Will & Jake; good ear for dialogue...I felt like Sarah should've been the one considering an affair...Laura the flirt was a red herring, didn't need that...early on,... I know guys like Danny; although he's annoyingly immature there's something endearing about him; any time a lead character is someone you can root for, you've scored points...good banter between Danny, Booker, Will & Jake; good ear for dialogue...I felt like Sarah should've been the one considering an affair...Laura the flirt was a red herring, didn't need that...early on, Danny says Kevin goes out of his way to avoid him but their relationship seemed fairly normal, that confused me...driving the point home that Danny isn't very in tune with Kevin's life is fine but he seems too aloof; in the beginning of the story I wandered if the two of them had ever even met each other before...what did Sarah see in Danny?...not much in the way of plot machination or development in 1st 40 pages or so (although characters are nicely fleshed out);plays almost like a sitcom or made for tv, not a feature...nice sense of time & place, mood & setting; realistic situations; liked the world you've carved out for these people; simple but relatable...although I read your plot description, I was 1/3 of the way in & still didn't know what I was supposed to be reading...could use some trimming...liked Danny's maturation process but needs to unfold faster...Danny & Veronica's relationship was authentic...couldn't believe that most of what I read in the final act didn't come much earlier; just started to get involved & then it was over; all buildup with little payoff; ending was rushed...discovery that Sarah had a miscarriage came out of nowhere; bit of a reach, not very subtle & unnecessarily bleak; never fully explored...spacing issues on a few pages...my expexctations of how Danny would handle Fitz & Kevin's scenarios (her aunt's tragedy, his run in with the law)were exceeded...with the exception of the last 20 pages, entire script felt like a 1st act; really no discernible middle or end...I guess Veronica revealing she's gay was supposed to make Danny realize that a married father his age should settle for & be happy with what he's got but he seemed happier with Veronica, so her twist seemed kinda cruel; if it made him think twice, made him grow up, made him realize how good he had it at home, I'd be okay with it but you pulled the rug out from under him (maybe that was your intent)...for a genius, Kevin does some dumb things; I understand the guilt he carries re:Sarah's loss & disintegration of parents' marriage & all kids, prodigies or not, do uncharacteristically stupid things (due to peer pressure, rebellion, boredom)but he just comes across as reckless...we never see Danny at work; could this be because you felt it would be illogical for a guy like this to hold down a career of such magnitude; I mean no one hangs at Starbucks that much...like Danny's friends but after a while they seem repetetive; were you trying to show how Danny was becoming moving away from what they'd become?; if they were there just to serve as contrast then you should cut some of their scenes; they start off amusing, then grwo juvenile...Sarah allows Danny to raise a kid that's not theirs & then runs off with their own child? doesn't make much sense...overall, not exaclty high concept but an enjoyable read, well written & realized as a character study but ultimately a bit of a disappointment; way too long of a setup with no big "wow" moments read