Reviews of Tonight's Dream, Tomorrow's Memory 6

• 
  Tonight's Dream, Tomorrow's Memory
  A review of Tonight's Dream, Tomorrow's Memory
  by jamesford on 02/12/2012
  Generally writers are told to use as little description as possible but in some cases it’s warranted. I’m fairly certain Boyz N the Hood, The Help or The Joy Luck Club describes the race of the main characters since it’s central to the story. If you know a part is written for a specific race otherwise the film makes no sense, then just go ahead and say it. Don’t assume the... Generally writers are told to use as little description as possible but in some cases it’s warranted. I’m fairly certain Boyz N the Hood, The Help or The Joy Luck Club describes the race of the main characters since it’s central to the story. If you know a part is written for a specific race otherwise the film makes no sense, then just go ahead and say it. Don’t assume the audience knows. I found it somewhat distracting in the character introductions that the writer never just says “African-American” but describes everything else about them.
  
  The script is a coming-of-age story about Wallace, a gifted African-American unpopular boy, and Passion, the young hooker he gets mixed up with on his prom night. The biggest problem I had is I never believe Wallace is dumb enough to spend more than ten minutes with Passion. Between her ghetto-fab attitude, killer pimp and cocaine habit, why would Wallace be in a room with her for more than five minutes let alone put himself in danger for her? The same could be said for Clarissa, Wallace’s classmate who he loves. She isn’t in the screenplay long enough for you to know her. You never get a sense of why he loves her which leads you to believe it’s superficial.
  
  It’s said that 90% of characters that fall in love in a movie, meet in that same movie. The trick is having the characters meet off-screen and you don’t know the depth of their relationship. We know Rick and Elsa will always have Paris but we don’t know how much time they spent together. Weeks? Years? We know Indiana Jones took advantage of Marion Ravenwood when she was young and in love but for how long and what exactly did he do? Of course John McClane will fight terrorists to save Holly Gennaro because they’re married. Do we really believe that Jack Traven will strap himself to the underside of a runaway bus that will explode if it drops below 50mph for Annie, a woman he met a few hours ago… doubtful.
  
  Also consider this is clearly an R-rated script about high school kids where the demographic for it wouldn’t be old enough to see it (see the story behind the release of Take Me Home Tonight which sat on a shelf for two years because of drug references). I would age the characters to college where Wallace is still an outcast virgin and Shanice (Passion) was a girl he had a crush on from high school who he accidentally picks up and has now become a hooker or escort. Not knowing their history makes the audience believe he may put himself in danger trying to rescue her recreating the girl he once knew instead of this broken version of her she’s become. I would eliminate Passion’s cocaine use and make the money she owes Papa Snow because she lost some of his drugs in a car she got towed, ruined a deal he set up, etc. Lose the Clarissa character altogether or make her his current requited object of his affection where he’s been relegated to “best friend” status.
  
  Essentially make it an urban version of Jonathan Demme’s Something Wild.
  
  Passion can’t kill Papa Snow. You’ve written a very hard-to-like character with no redeemable value. Making her a murderer for any reason takes her to the point there is no coming back from. They can indirectly kill him (he fires a gun in a room filled with gas), he can die by accident (chasing them into oncoming traffic) or killed by rivals but it shouldn’t be at the hands of either of the main characters.
  
  It feels like the script flips tone, not that that’s impossible but it’s tricky and doesn’t work the way the writer has structured it here. Having read it I found some of it funny and sweet and other parts dark and depressing. Not that a movie can’t be all those things but this one isn’t. It hits extremes and the portrayal of prostitution is too real for what feels starts like a coming of age movie. read
• 
  Review- Tonight's Dream, Tomorrow's Memory
  A review of Tonight's Dream, Tomorrow's Memory
  by Jgnirke on 01/17/2012
  I really enjoyed you’re premise and it’s an interesting take on the whole “Pretty Woman” genre. I think you’re number 1 problem here is structure. I think you could actually add pages to your script. The opening is very sparse would like to see more clearly the world your protagonist lives in, also maybe introduce Passion’s world. Then, it would help to have more of a timeline... I really enjoyed you’re premise and it’s an interesting take on the whole “Pretty Woman” genre. I think you’re number 1 problem here is structure. I think you could actually add pages to your script. The opening is very sparse would like to see more clearly the world your protagonist lives in, also maybe introduce Passion’s world. Then, it would help to have more of a timeline early on, aka introducing Passion’s deadline with the money in act 2. Everything should be leading to a climax and Passion and Wallace’s relationship should be building from friendship to eventually being romantic. There are definitely parts that drag on here and there that you could cut out. Would love to see Wallace bring a hooker to the prom wayyy earlier in the night. I would say go back and map out your through line and really make every scene build to the end of your second act.
  Otherwise I see great potential in this script!
  
  Page by Page notes….
  
  Page 1- As he climaxes***
  
  Page 3- A little weird to go from bedroom scene to bedroom scene – later right after each other. Doesn’t work, Make it continuous or put a scene in between.
  
  Page 6- Been got?
  
  Page 8- Feels like we dived right into the story here. Would like more of a chance to see the world we’re entering. Get better acquainted with the characters. Could we start the day a little earlier maybe at school? Just feels like we dived in the deep end right off the bat. Maybe between you’re two bedrooms scenes we could see something more.
  
  Page 9- FCAT? Are we in FL? Would be nice to know where the story is taking place. Can we see palm trees? Anything to set the location even just stating it in scene heading would help.
  Headed there now***
  
  Page 15- already?***
  
  Page 20- The whole them trying to have sex but failing thing is dragging on…
  
  Page 25- Seems like your Act 1 turning point is Wallace picking up Passion. It’s a pretty big decision he makes from innocently going to the prom to picking up a prostitute and it happens wayyy too earlier in your script. More build up is needed. The Passion pickup shouldn’t happen till page 25. You can cut some things short after the pickup so your page count doesn’t go up drastically but you need a more before Passion shows up.
  
  Page 28- Not seeing the purpose of this scene. Would love to see Wallace bring a prostitute to prom and make Clarissa jealous or horrified.
  
  Page 34- Maybe we should see this debate or a flashback of it in act 1.
  
  Page 45- And that’s it?***
  
  Page 50- He catches the smirk on her face . ***
  
  Page 58- When are we going to get to see the real Passion?
  
  Page 59- Incorrect scene heading format.
  “Go ahead in, close the door baby.”***
  
  Page 65 – “Papa Snow only meets about business,
  not for mercy. “ ***
  Scene heading incorrectly formatted. INT. LOBBY – CONTINUOUS
  
  Page 66 – “I’m sorry, I don’t have it on
  me, see it’s in my car and honestly
  I just need to talk to Jimmy, I
  won’t be long.”*****
  
  
  Page 67- “So that is a wig you be wearin’?” *****
  Finally arriving at the prom! Can you make this more of a moment? Not only is Wallace actually showing up with a date but she’s a prostitute. This is the pretty in pink moment. Milk it!!
  “Wallace looks out in search of Jimmy but there’s no
  sign of his best friend.” ******
  
  Page 69- “Jimmy, who’s in the middle of telling a joke, shares a surprised look with Wallace.” ****
  
  Page 70- “That’s my way in with Denise, Wally. The more she sees me with them...” *****
  
  Page 75- This scene is a little unclear. Why does Passion act like that?
  
  Page 76 – “So?”****
  
  Page 78- Could you make it more clear that going to the prom reminded her of being a pageant girl and then her fight with her sister? Could use more subtle hints of the true Passion….
  No End of flashback needed rather add a Cut to: then put in the scene heading that we’re now in present.
  
  Page 79- Would love to see the Papa Snow situation introduced much earlier in the script. I like that Wallace doesn’t know what’s going on but it would be good for the audience to feel the tension of the impending confrontation much earlier.
  Page 80- The tone of the script switches back and forth from comedy to really dark drama. Plus Passion’s story is so intense while Wallace is dealing with easy teenager problems. You could play with this more throughout, have Wallace realize how she’s helping him with these little things like talking to a girl while she’s dealing with these life or death problems. It gets really heavy in the 3rd act prepare your audience for that.
  
  Page 81- She is asking about the year of the wine? Isn’s she 17? Can we establish she’s a snob otherwise this doesn’t make sense.
  
  Page 83- “Yeah, I met this guy over spring break
  and he’s paying for it. Can I order room service? I’m really hungry.” ***
  What? A guy is paying for it like she’s his escort or is it for school/church? Isn’t Wallace confused?
  
  Page 84- These O.S. actions should they be sounds? Never seen in written that way. It kinda works.
  
  Page 88- “The paper for one and every low
  level dealer waiting to take your
  place. You need someone that has
  your best interest at heart,
  someone who will ensure that your
  funds are secure during your time
  of absence. I have no doubt that
  the men around you will do an
  excellent job in making sure that
  your territories remain under your
  control, but what about your
  finances?” *******
  
  Ending is a little abrupt. What about his car? Is this meant to feel like a dream? I don’t mind that Passion took off but Wallace didn’t even lose his virginity. And I felt like Passion and Wallace had their first real moment and then it’s just over. What did this all mean to Wallace? read
• 
  Highs and Lows
  A review of Tonight's Dream, Tomorrow's Memory
  by real2reelscreenplays on 01/10/2012
  When I first started reading this script I quickly feel in love, especially once I met Passion "... he don't wanna fuck with yo' old testament ass pussy." You had me at old testament, lol. The initial dialogue between Wallace and Passion was so intriguing, I thought I would be marking this as one of my favorites. Even though up to act one the dialogue could be tighten up, I... When I first started reading this script I quickly feel in love, especially once I met Passion "... he don't wanna fuck with yo' old testament ass pussy." You had me at old testament, lol. The initial dialogue between Wallace and Passion was so intriguing, I thought I would be marking this as one of my favorites. Even though up to act one the dialogue could be tighten up, I felt like I needed to see where this story was going.
  
  This script has minor formatting issues. It also has numerous typos that you will not find with spell check. The writer needs to thoroughly go through this work.
  
  Here's the problem, a lot of scripts have a strong act one and loses steam in act two. I believe that this is what happened here.
  
  If Passion trying the cashier into giving her free food was to teach Wallace a lesson, make that clear from the beginning. It's awkward if you don't.
  
  "... the rest of yo' friends?" Maybe Pastor Jones should separate himself by talking nothing like Passion.
  
  Wallace's speech about he lost a debate to his ex-best friend would be extremely boring on screen. I think the entire thing should be removed. I understand that you're trying to set something up with it, but it hurts more than it helps.
  
  If a moment where we see Wallace's growth is him telling Passion why he should be class Treasurer, maybe we should open the movie with seeing him lose his classmates with his original speech. That way when he does it with Passion we have a visual reference point to compare to when we see his growth with Passion.
  
  After he loses his car she tells him that things may look down, but they will be alright and he just goes with that. That's very unrealistic. Maybe she sees that he doesnt have any hope and she tells a story where she didnt have any hope and things worked out, that way she inspires him, but the audience also learns about her and feels more connected to her.
  
  Wallace being nicked by a car mirror would really hurt. Might take him down to the ground.
  
  Where did Wallace get the skill to beat a street hustler? He says that choosing a ball between a set of cups is all probability, if that's his plan the probability is that he will lose and not win. It just doesn't make sense.
  
  Around and after the midpoint (which structurally there isn't a midpoint moment) things start to get really cheesy and unrealistic. You're now fighting for a laugh. "Nice doing business with you broke ass Alex Trebek" is one of many. Jokes like this will ruin your script.
  
  Also you have it as a sliver range rover, when it should be silver. This is an example of the many typos that spell check will not find. Pros HATE when they see these kinds of mistakes.
  
  Passions motivation to help Wallace is that he's nice to him and she likes him??? If so, it needs to be made more clear and I think think it's enough the way it's set up. The girl is in need of money to save her life and instead of going out there and finding ten guys (which seems possible), she's wasting time trying to teach this kid how to mack to cashiers. It's just unrealistic.
  
  The way she exposes her scars to him is terribly setup and unrealistic, and his reaction is just worse.
  
  Why would the uglier prostitute say to Passion that she costs more in a cocky fashion? What makes her cost more? Confusing.
  
  You have Wallace spending money like crazy. I understand that you said it's his moving money, moving to where? College? He needs all that cash to move to college? Even if that's how you want it, how much money he has needs to be clear. This little boy is spending money and charging up a credit card like money isn't an issue. If it's not, that needs to be made clear.
  
  Near the end the script just became more unrealistic and painful to read. That may not be easy to hear, and if you think differently you should definitely hire a professional and see what they think (you should do that no matter what). I gave you detailed notes, because I do think you have a story here. I just think it falls apart and quickly becomes a disappointing script. read
• 
  Wallace earns Passion and plenty of memories...
  A review of Tonight's Dream, Tomorrow's Memory
  by Magnet360 on 01/09/2012
  This is a nice character study, with witty dialogues and nice scenes. This should be simple to make. Nice script. On the site, it looks like the "H" is missing from "Tonight's". Who is the Protagonist and what is their goal? Wallace Bishop. He would like to find love or get laid. Preferably with the beautiful Clarissa Matthews. Very clear and simple. He wants to have...
  This is a nice character study, with witty dialogues and nice scenes. This should be simple to make. Nice script.
  
  On the site, it looks like the "H" is missing from "Tonight's".
  
  Who is the Protagonist and what is their goal?
  
  Wallace Bishop. He would like to find love or get laid. Preferably with the beautiful Clarissa Matthews. Very clear and simple. He wants to have a special night at his prom.
  
  The goal changes to helping Passion midway.
  
  
  Who or What is stopping the Protagonist from getting the goal? Antagonist?
  
  Clarissa is revealed to be a bit shallow and not such a prize after all. The goal of helping passion is prevented by her drug dealer Papa Snow and his thugs.
  
  
  What happens if the Protagonist does not get the goal? Stakes?
  
  The stakes are a bit low for Wallace. What happens if he doesn’t have a memorable night? Nothing. There will be other nights. The stakes are much higher for Passion -- she can be killed. I guess when Wallace takes on her cause he shares those high stakes.
  
  
  What were the strongest aspects of the script?
  
  I love the opening and was sympathetic to Wallace right away. The writing is excellent and witty. Clarissa is described using beautiful as a noun. LOL. Good stuff. This reminded me of Woody Allen’s opening in “Hannah and Her Sisters”.
  
  I like the choices made in the script, it seems very different. Wallace goes to a prostitute on his prom night. It’s pretty original and Passion’s dialogue and the whole relationship with her is great.
  
  I love that they bump into Pastor Jones. Nice internal and external conflict in the scene and later with him and the cop.
  
  At the end: Wallace and Passion refer to each in their real names and the next day, Wallace’s prom ticket lays on the floor. He’s had a memorable night, even without the prom. I guess that is the point of the story. Pretty satisfying and very clear and easy to understand.
  
  
  What were the weakest aspects of the script?
  
  I think your going to have to make up some reasons why Passion gives Wallace so much time. A prostitute is going to want to be in-and-out and onto the next customer. Especially Passion, since she owes someone a large amount of money. She takes him to her condo and they go to the grocery store and a drive through scene with Marquise. It’s a stretch. Wouldn’t she be more concerned about pulling tricks and making money?
  
  Maybe when Wallace can’t get it up she takes off with his money and he follows her around for a while. Just something simple to add into the plot.
  
  By page 45, Passion is still hanging around Wallace. Can you find a reason to force them together. It seems like now she is mentoring him and become a bit saintly. It’s nice for the internal growth of Wallace;but, for the external plot -- it doesn’t make sense why she’s hanging around. Maybe she went to his High School, or she gave up a baby that is now at Jefferson? Just some quick thoughts.
  
  Around page 65 we get to the reasoning that Passion owes people money. But, the script is losing it’s tone. It’s getting too serious and moves away from the fun and witty vibe of earlier.
  
  Maybe Passion can only take up half of Act 2 and we can introduce a new plot line for the second part. Something more in line with Wallace getting laid, going to the prom or meeting Clarissa. I feel the script is losing focus.
  
  Okay. Page 72, the script starts to get back on track. Nicely done.
  
  
  Similar Movies.
  
  Risky Business, American Pie, Pretty in Pink.
  
  Just my opinion for what it’s worth. Good luck with your script.
  
  read
• 
  slight but engaging
  A review of Tonight's Dream, Tomorrow's Memory
  by philip halmarack on 01/02/2012
  Even though this screenplay didn't break out into any new territory, I really enjoyed your style and control of the story. The writing was spare and to the point, the length was just right, the use of white space was great, your characters were engaging and the whole thing moved along nice and easy. What it lacked was any real standout moments. Despite the clever writing,... Even though this screenplay didn't break out into any new territory, I really enjoyed your style and control of the story. The writing was spare and to the point, the length was just right, the use of white space was great, your characters were engaging and the whole thing moved along nice and easy.
  
  What it lacked was any real standout moments. Despite the clever writing, I was hoping there'd be something that really jumped out from the script that could lift it to the next level. We've seen the boy out trying to get laid before, the vicious pimp, the school prom. What we end up with is all those familiar ingredients in the mix.
  
  Saying that, you write a really sexy love scene, keep a good tension in your storytelling, keep us guessing as to what happens next, come up with a surprise ending.
  
  I think you've got all the skills to be a really good screenwriter. And perhaps in 'Tonight's Dream' you've got the structure for a quality film. Maybe it just needs a few big moments to take the breath away. After all, Wallace and Passion are highly sympathetic leads who we can truly care about. Wallace's plight is one that many boys of that age can identify with. And Passion is a sexy and engaging lead.
  
  Perhaps you could build her scarring into a more emotional, dramatic episode. Have Wallace have more of a run in with Papa Snow - for example, look at the Dennis Hopper character in Blue Velvet. Let Wallace have more desire then conflict with Clarissa. Right now, she just a cypher - wank material. She arrives and disappears without hardly making a wave. And so on. I don't think there's a lot you have to do to make this a first class script, just a bit more fire in its belly.
  
  As for the language and spelling, I don't know how much of it was patois or just a misprint. I let most of it go because it kind of blended into the story. Like the title - you missed out the H on 'Tonigt's' on purpose, right?
  There were a few things I couldn't let go.
  
  Page 2 climax(es)
  Page 42 - toe - tow
  Page 58 - here - hear
  Page 88 - finds our (are)
  Page 91 creek - creak
  Page 93 - there - their
  
  So, well done for delivering a very readable script. I hope you stick with because I think you've got it in you to make the grade. Good luck. read
• 
  A clever drama with lots of comedic themes
  A review of Tonight's Dream, Tomorrow's Memory
  by camlit04 on 01/02/2012
  Without a strong opening scene and many, many spelling and format errors, this script was less than desirable. However, once the story picks up and you realize that Passion is a character to stay, things begin to get interesting and a little bit haywire. The script had me reading cover to cover, and provided an excellent look into Wallace's life and mannerisms. There are plenty... Without a strong opening scene and many, many spelling and format errors, this script was less than desirable. However, once the story picks up and you realize that Passion is a character to stay, things begin to get interesting and a little bit haywire. The script had me reading cover to cover, and provided an excellent look into Wallace's life and mannerisms. There are plenty of mishaps and unexpected doings, and Wallace's decision making skills when faced with these mishaps seems somewhat out of context for a fat, afro-haired teenager with girl issues. However, with Passion and her wacky lifestyle and her nonchalant attitude in the mix, the two personalities work. read