Reviews of Torn 16

• 
  Torn Time
  A review of Torn
  by TCare on 12/14/2006
  ummm... well... you've tried, but haven't quite made it there with your second draft. I didn't read the first so I'm only commenting on this one. The story's fragmented telling kept me interested in Johnny until he admitted to the murders. the character is just not fully realized. His arc is flat. He starts out as a sensitive, loner, sociopath (something I get) and ends... ummm... well... you've tried, but haven't quite made it there with your second draft. I didn't read the first so I'm only commenting on this one. The story's fragmented telling kept me interested in Johnny until he admitted to the murders. the character is just not fully realized. His arc is flat. He starts out as a sensitive, loner, sociopath (something I get) and ends up the same way, except just dead. Why did the family pick on him? Ever watch the Family Guy? Either way - they have a daughter that the whole family hates. The smart, loner, nerd who's going to make it some day, so they all take it out on her. Why does Johnny get it from his family? I know you show us a moment in the flashback sequences but I want more. I need to see and understand a lifetime of abuse so his crime is understood, if not condoned. We see that he's capable of feeling (i.e. Maria) but hates his family. I like the idea that he did it but I want to believe until the very moment where he admits it that he couldn't of even though I wish he would have? Get it? Cinderalla's sisters and mother - boy did I smile when they got left behind. Another thing is - based on your style you've only got about70, maybe 75 minutes worth of material so there's room to add more story. Consider restructuring it so that some of the family scenes that are shared in the court room occur earlier in the story. All in all I still think this one has a ton of character related work ahead of it. read
• 
  Nice work
  A review of Torn
  by naomilamont on 06/21/2006
  Nice story. This script was a breeze to read and moved along at a fast pace. Your description is well written, to the point and precise. All the way through, you had me believing that Johnny would be innocent until he attacked his father with the hammer. Nicely done! I certainly wasn't expecting that. Also good was the fact that you didn't try and give us a drawn out explanation... Nice story. This script was a breeze to read and moved along at a fast pace. Your description is well written, to the point and precise.
  
  All the way through, you had me believing that Johnny would be innocent until he attacked his father with the hammer. Nicely done! I certainly wasn't expecting that.
  
  Also good was the fact that you didn't try and give us a drawn out explanation of why Johnny was the way he was. Obviously a normal person would wipe out their entire family just because they weren't given enough attention. And you only mention the fact that he'd been seeing a psych just enough to let us know he had problems. In the end, he was just a bad egg, and I liked that.
  
  There's really not much more to say. I wish you the best of luck. Please find below just a few little things I noticed as I was reading. Most probably others have already mentioned them, but here they are:
  
  Page 3: Sarah’s line "Maybe we are overtired and hearing things" just doesn't sound right. Jessica's just said they imagined it, which is enough. Maybe let Sarah be the one to look at her watch and say it's after midnight (I'm presuming that it's important).
  
  Page 11: Matthew: "What do u mean?" should be YOU
  
  Page 54: Johnny's dialogue should be (V.O.) voice over, not (O.S.) off screen.
  
  Page 62: Rabbi: "...better THAN you know yourself..."
  
  Page 74: Muffled voice: seems like some of the dialogue slipped into the description.
  
  Page 89: Wow. Wasn't expecting that. Nicely done.
  
  Page 100: Why does Matthew care so much about Johnny’s death? I would think he would hate him for killing his brother and nieces and nephews. read
• 
  SHREDDED NOT TORN
  A review of Torn
  by montana malone on 06/05/2006
  Hi! Ready? Here we go... Your title page is not even close to being formatted correctly. I scanned your script - COMMENT - Normally, I suggest ADDING white space to a script. I will reserve further comment until the end, but right now I suspect if it was tightened up (that is your use of white space), your script would fall well below the 90 page limit. Pg. 1 - Instead... Hi! Ready? Here we go...
  
  Your title page is not even close to being formatted correctly.
  
  I scanned your script -
  
  COMMENT - Normally, I suggest ADDING white space to a script. I will reserve further comment until the end, but right now I suspect if it was tightened up (that is your use of white space), your script would fall well below the 90 page limit.
  
  Pg. 1 - Instead of putting - LATER, while they are still in bed...why not throw a different scene in-between to indicate time has passed?
  
  Ummmmmmm...this is IMPORTANT, you did NOT intro. Sarah and Jessica in an a/l.
  
  Pg. 5 MARIA, "in sleeping form." Huh? did you mean sleeps? I know what you meant, it was just a rather odd way of saying it.
  
  IMPORTANT - "GLASS BREAKING"
  should be
  GLASS BREAKS
  or
  GLASS SHATTERS
  
  Avoid passive verbs in a/l (NO "ings")
  
  pG.6 AVOID using the word SUDDENLY.
  
  Pg. 11 MATTHEW "What do u mean?" NO! "u" It is, you. Um Matthew just finds out his brother was murdered and he says, "Oh my." Come on!
  
  pg. 12 the MC speaks, but AGAIN, you have not put him in an A/L.
  
  pg. 13 "Mike's Mom assumes a puzzled expression as the two men
  approach." HUH? Mike's mom looks puzzled...
  
  Pg. 17
  
  You wrote --
  
  The aging run down police station shows its years. The
  detectives sit at scratched up hardwood desks. The computers
  remain the only sign of modern technology.
  
  Ummm...
  
  The detectives sit at old desks with computers, in the decrepid
  police station.
  
  BOTTOM OF PAGE 24 -- WAY TOO MUCH SPACE, NOT CORRECT FORMAT.
  
  DITTO FOR PAGE 25
  
  DITTO FOR PAGE 26
  
  DITTO FOR PAGE 27
  
  DITTO FOR PAGE 28
  
  Ummmm... Probably there are a LOT more pages like this, I will not be pointing all of them out to you.
  
  You do NOT need (CONTINUED) at the bottom of pages. Again, it is useless fluff pumping up your actual page count.
  
  Ummmm...if you deleted the usual courtroom banter, all rise, do you solemnly swear stuff, your script would be even shorter.
  
  Pg. 53 You need to put in FLASHBACK when he is talking about his sister.
  
  Ummmmmmm.... A LITTLE LATER/A COUPLE MINUTES LATER/ S/B either DAY OR NIGHT.
  
  PG. 59 Assuming you established FLASHBACK, on this page when you are back in the courtroom s/b END FLASHBACK
  
  PG.61 "Rabbi Cooper adopts a pensive expression." NO. Rabbi Cooper is pensive. (or something short like that.)
  
  Pg. 72
  
  You wrote -
  
  INTERCUT AS NEEDED WITH FATHER'S HOME
  
  all you need is...
  
  INTERCUT
  
  OR
  
  INTERCUT WITH FATHER'S HOME
  
  not...
  
  "AS NEEDED"
  
  pG. 86 TYPO s/b Johnny looks down at the ring. (missing the)
  
  Pg. 93 missing a period after No (JOHN)
  
  CONCLUSION -
  I applaud you on the completing your script. The good news is, once you have your formatting down, I already can tell that you will be excellent at writing short, crisp action lines that move the story forward.
  
  Your script read quick and easy. Congrats on that and also on having practically zero typos. Well done!
  
  However, at best this might be an okay show for television. There was not much of character development and honestly, if trimmed from the court scenes (all rise, that kind of stuff) and your massive use of "white space", this script would be about -- rough guess -- about 80 pages.
  
  It was clear what you were conveying but the story is just not big enough.
  
  I absolutely feel your passion for writing and you WILL be a very good writer someday. I might suggest bagging this particular script.
  
  I might also suggest reading more scripts on Trigger Street. The wonderful thing about reading and giving in depth reviews, is the knowledge one gains.
  
  If I have been of help to you, please Pay It Forward to the next writer on this sight. We are all here for the same reason -- our passion for writing.
  
  Any questions, I am more than happy to not only answer but to give you any guidence that I can.
  
  I wish you the very best. Keep writing! read
• 
  Torn apart, but why?
  A review of Torn
  by Curmudgeon on 01/06/2005
  I have real problems understanding what this script is trying to say.Are we supposed to like Johhny? Feel sorry for him? Understand his motivation? Is Johnny's anger sopposed to be somehow justified? Not from what we're given. Twenty-five, jobless and still at home, Johnny sounds like a self-absorbed loser that spends most of his time feeling sorry for himself and taking it... I have real problems understanding what this script is trying to say.Are we supposed to like Johhny? Feel sorry for him? Understand his motivation? Is Johnny's anger sopposed to be somehow justified? Not from what we're given. Twenty-five, jobless and still at home, Johnny sounds like a self-absorbed loser that spends most of his time feeling sorry for himself and taking it out on everyone else. I felt like I was just peeking at the very tip of the characters and completely out of the loop. So much of the script wastes time dealing with mundane little moments and conversations that don't really move the plot but just seem to be filler.If your protagonist is going to brutally murder his whole family, at least let us know what we're supposed to feel. read
• 
  Not Good
  A review of Torn
  by scojofilm on 01/06/2005
  I'd like to say something good about this script but I can't. Maybe the scene description. It's written pretty well at some parts, but it's too spaced out. You need to combine the "paragraphs". This script starts as a slasher movie, becomes a trial movie, then becomes a movie about psychological disorders. It's just so scattered. The dialogue sounds so fake and hokey,... I'd like to say something good about this script but I can't. Maybe the scene description. It's written pretty well at some parts, but it's too spaced out. You need to combine the "paragraphs". This script starts as a slasher movie, becomes a trial movie, then becomes a movie about psychological disorders. It's just so scattered. The dialogue sounds so fake and hokey, the defense attorney gives up too easily on his points and can't decide whether he's fighting for innocence or insanity. The characters are boring and flat. The motive isn't really good enough to carry the film. The scene description uses some phrasing that makes me realize that the writer is actually intelligent, but the characters aren't as smart as the writers.The trial is too short. If it's a trial film, it needs to be longer. There's so little dialogue in this film that, if filmed, it couldn't last much longer than an hour. It's honestly the shortest script-read I've ever done. read
• 
  I'm TORN
  A review of Torn
  by sgtdeal on 01/03/2005
  I have mixed feelings about this screenplay. I feel that the opening sequence was effective in setting up the rest of the story. However, the rest of the story was buried beneath the weight of detailed legal protocol. I had little sympathy for johnny Parsons- failing to associate with anything within him. The screenplay was formatted well. The dialogue was well-written,... I have mixed feelings about this screenplay. I feel that the opening sequence was effective in setting up the rest of the story. However, the rest of the story was buried beneath the weight of detailed legal protocol. I had little sympathy for johnny Parsons- failing to associate with anything within him. The screenplay was formatted well. The dialogue was well-written, the descriptions to the point, and much of the courtroom drama seemed accurate. However, I am not a huge fan of the courtroom drama. I need more to my movie- that's just me. I need to associate with the main character more. The ending is grim, again providing difficulty for me to latch on to it. This is a good rewrite, of a hard story to love. Lastly, there are a few typos to correct. read
• 
  Torn
  A review of Torn
  by Brengunner on 01/03/2005
  Ok so technically you have a fairly good grip on structure and format. Good non-linear cutting in and out of time sequences. As a courtroom drama it is a bit static and the flashbacks don't do enough to help us escape the room. My one big problem, Johnny (and just about everyone else) is so damn unsympathetic that I don't quite understand what the ultimate message of the... Ok so technically you have a fairly good grip on structure and format. Good non-linear cutting in and out of time sequences. As a courtroom drama it is a bit static and the flashbacks don't do enough to help us escape the room. My one big problem, Johnny (and just about everyone else) is so damn unsympathetic that I don't quite understand what the ultimate message of the film is supposed to be, why should I care about him or any of the other characters? I realize that in the real world people will still idealize even the worst of criminals but is that enough to carry this film? Why is Maria shattered in the end? Why does the media story in the end seem sympathetic towards the fate of Johnny (Neither the media nor any one else seemed to shed a tear when Dahmer was killed in prison.)? You have at least 16 or 17 more pages you can utilize and I think it would be good to flesh out a little more some of the Parson family skeletons and history. Try and pull us back and forth emotionally, reveal layers of Johnny's life experiences so that we feel for him and then are repulsed, feel for him and repulsed. Put in some surprises. You have a great start but you need to travel further into the mouth of darkness with this tale. Good luck read
• 
  torn
  A review of Torn
  by bmgarner on 01/02/2005
  Interesting beginning. I liked the word economy, the tightness of the writing, the rhythm and pace were good. Some pointers: Use names that are more different: James and Johnny are too similar for the reader to keep track, especially early in James' actions. Watch cliches: there are too many to count in the courtroom scene. I thought I was reading a Perry Mason script... Interesting beginning. I liked the word economy, the tightness of the writing, the rhythm and pace were good. Some pointers: Use names that are more different: James and Johnny are too similar for the reader to keep track, especially early in James' actions. Watch cliches: there are too many to count in the courtroom scene. I thought I was reading a Perry Mason script. Also, and this is most important, PROOF READ everything: read the transcript from the news report and find the antagonist was killed "tragically" (how else do killings occur?) by oncoming "tragic." There was one other place I read where the syntax was destroyed by the omission of a word, and I'm sorry I don't have it referenced here - good proofing will find it. read
• 
  Torn Apart Review
  A review of Torn
  by luthien102080 on 09/27/2004
  This needs revision, unless it is extremely well-cast and you get a director with a good gimmick. It has potential though. The courtroom scenes felt very accruate to me, though I'm certainly not lawyer or anything. I just get a sense that you've done your research, which is good. I'm not exactly sure what Johnny's objective is - I think that there are some subtleties that need... This needs revision, unless it is extremely well-cast and you get a director with a good gimmick. It has potential though. The courtroom scenes felt very accruate to me, though I'm certainly not lawyer or anything. I just get a sense that you've done your research, which is good. I'm not exactly sure what Johnny's objective is - I think that there are some subtleties that need to be explained in the characters' actions just a little more, particularly with the scenes with his family. Some things just don't make sense - puzzle pieces that didn't fit in his character. Also, the plot arc is formulaic - I felt like I was reading an episode of the Practice, or Law and Order. But, this is also the first crime drama screenplay I've read, so I'm not exactly an expert on the "formula", as it were. Overall, the conflict between the characters was good, but I still felt Johnny was extremely stupid to try and take everyone hostage at the end - I felt like the conflict was never resolved and the rug was pulled out from under me a bit too much, intellectually. It felt too rushed. But, keep on writing. I think you can do great things with this script with a little more tinkering. read
• 
  Torn plot, Torn dialogue...
  A review of Torn
  by eldread on 09/20/2004
  I liked the first 9 pages of your script because they were focused. Unfortunately, That focus wasn't applied to the rest of the script. The story lags as each page passes due to a muddled plot. Give us some backstory on the entire family, and in particular Johnny. After the opening sequence cut back to the family 5 months earlier and show what lead to the murders. Show us... I liked the first 9 pages of your script because they were focused. Unfortunately, That focus wasn't applied to the rest of the script. The story lags as each page passes due to a muddled plot. Give us some backstory on the entire family, and in particular Johnny. After the opening sequence cut back to the family 5 months earlier and show what lead to the murders. Show us some real disfunction in the family instead of them fighting over video games. Give us a real reson why johnny would kill them. The idea behind the script is all right, but this thing need to be reworked to inject some much needed life into it. There is a flashback that start on page 66 and ends on page 91. Far too long. Also, go over your dialogue; it's far to robotic in some places eg, Sarah: " Maybe we are overtired and hearing things" no one really talks like that. page 11 u should be you. page 32, 12:37 should be spelled out. page 33, MC should be Matthew. read