Reviews of Tubes 12

• 
  impressive storyline...
  A review of Tubes
  by jackwolf on 09/01/2007
  The more I read of this story, the more intrigued I became. It would have originally been a challenge to identify with the characters, but I found myself in their minds and in their worlds though accurate, and sometimes comical, descriptions of certain situations and feelings. The raw emotion of the events that unfolded toward the end, capped off an important lesson about... The more I read of this story, the more intrigued I became. It would have originally been a challenge
  to identify with the characters, but I found myself in their minds and in their worlds though
  accurate, and sometimes comical, descriptions of certain situations and feelings. The raw emotion
  of the events that unfolded toward the end, capped off an important lesson about the dangers of wanting ALL power.
  
  Even though the synopsis implies it, I was surprised to find out that J.R. and Ian were the exact
  same character. I understood that both of their maniacal drives are what lead them to chaos they
  eventually encountered. What I didn't understand, though, was why Leslie had to risk his life the way he did. It really didn't seem necessary because there appeared to be so many possibilities as to how they could have taken care of Bob. Other than that, the story is involved in quite the journey and it left me provoked to thought. read
• 
  Bizarre but Interesting
  A review of Tubes
  by Velvet_Whispers on 08/15/2007
  I honestly did not know what to expect while reading this. I was very interested in Ian Mars and why he was on the run, and I liked following him through this twisted story. Despite the bizarre twists and turns, I was happy to see him survive and redeem himself. Bob was a great character to first welcome Ian and then stand against him when he took over the tube production... I honestly did not know what to expect while reading this. I was very interested in Ian Mars and why he was on the run, and I liked following him through this twisted story. Despite the bizarre twists and turns, I was happy to see him survive and redeem himself.
  
  Bob was a great character to first welcome Ian and then stand against him when he took over the tube production. The meth thing, though was a bit too much. I liked how you made Bob sleazy, crazy, but it could still be done without the drugs.
  
  J.R. is a great villain, but I didn't like that she became as insane as Bob and Ian. She was obviously power hungry, spoiled, and controlling, and she could have easily lost her temper out on Ian without having gone insane. Her reason would be that Ian did cost her everything, and all she was left with is the house. I didn't see a reason for her to kill the elderly Sutton.
  
  Other than that, this was an entertaining story. read
• 
  Review of Tubes
  A review of Tubes
  by shoocatz on 08/04/2007
  Strong points Loved the Frank Millerish descriptive style of the writing. You cram more cool images and content into your first 20 pages than some people do in twice that. The concept was original, to say the least. Weak points It's goofily entertaining at the start but then it gets moody and dark at the end. It would be hard to market this. The writing style gets more mileage... Strong points
  Loved the Frank Millerish descriptive style of the writing. You cram more cool images and content into your first 20 pages than some people do in twice that.
  The concept was original, to say the least.
  
  Weak points
  It's goofily entertaining at the start but then it gets moody and dark at the end. It would be hard to market this.
  The writing style gets more mileage than the uneven story and dialogue, it comes across as weirdly uneven, like it was written by two different people who didn't talk to each other. The good heart of it disappeared by about page 90 and I wasn't cheering for anyone at that point except for Trinny, but she's barely a main character.
  
  Comments as I read:
  pg23- You might describe JR as female in her first description or it gets confusing when the security guard addresses her. It took me out of the script for a moment.
  Pg27- Is Ian still passing out? I thought he had less of a medical condition than he'd been escaping from a hospital (for unclear reasons). You may need to clarify this early what his problems are.
  Also, he's gone from commanding (pg21-22) to submissive on this page. Lastly, wouldn't a natural thought be do they want to mention the machine at all when they go to head office? In case they want to steal it.
  Pg29- 'In time, Mr. Shifflet...to you.' That's a pretty snarky comment for what's supposed to be a friendly meeting, isn't it?
  Pg44- 'he cracked a fat fit...' Not sure what that means.
  Pg57- The plot is unravelling here for me, because Ian wouldn't have waged war on JR and Jerry unless he was their main supply source. Besides how hard is it to get a piecemeal job?
  Pg67- '...I'm talking about the Portside Tower.' I'm not sure what that means and I scanned back and still not sure. I like the description 'spins like a meaty tornado', very good.
  Pg75- I like Bob's backstory about Hurrican Katerina wiping him out, why not make it the main reason Lazarus exists for everyone and intro it early in the script? It would make them more sympathetic and add a bit of logic and reality as to why a bunch of homeless people have their own community. One of the things I didn't like about the script was everyone just appeared out of thin air with no back story.
  Pg77- 'I didn't do it on purpose'. Still not clear what's going on here.
  Pg86- Sutton cutting his bindings with his false teeth is pretty funny.
  Pg89- so now Ian is a suicide bomber? This strikes a false note for me and is unappealing.
  Pg91- Bob rips his tooth out? The script has gotten pretty gross and violent, which seems out of whack with the more lighthearted first half of the script.
  Pg94- pules or pulls?
  Pg98- Why is Ian asking why are you doing this? He's been battling JR for the last 60 odd pages.
  Pg99- Both of these people are psychotics screaming at each other. Why is she teary?
  Pg102- I just don't get at all why JR feels it necessary to give money to Trinny. read
• 
  Tubes Review
  A review of Tubes
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 07/11/2007
  The author has created a unique world to say the least. The whole basis of toothpaste stuffing workers is certainly interesting. It was a bit of a tough read due to the writer’s style, but was easily navigated for the most part. There are some real technical issues here, but since the script looks like it will be made by the writer, I’m not going to dwell on them too much... The author has created a unique world to say the least. The whole basis of toothpaste stuffing workers is certainly interesting. It was a bit of a tough read due to the writer’s style, but was easily navigated for the most part. There are some real technical issues here, but since the script looks like it will be made by the writer, I’m not going to dwell on them too much. Just a few thoughts: I think the action is a bit overwritten and there are a ton of things in here that can’t be filmed. It was a little tough to follow as the action was written in such short bursts and fragmented so often, it was tough to get into a solid reading flow. The text formatting also threw me as it was definitely overused.
  
  CONCEPT: Well, no one can say that the concept of toothpaste tube stuffing people isn’t original Is it a high-concept? Not particularly, but it doesn’t really matter much because the core of the story revolves around a man who sets out to find a permanent hideaway as he runs from the law. I have mixed feelings on this as there isn’t anything that really grabs you about the concept, but it’s not necessarily flawed either.
  
  STORY: As I have stated several times, I thin the lack of reasonable paced character development for Ian on the whole is damaging the effectiveness of the story and pacing. It’s tough to get behind the story when we don’t understand why we should. More on this below. One thing that I really didn’t understand is that if Jeremy wanted to replace J.R. with Ian (Sutton), why would J.R. push Ian to the edge where he would lash out and further threaten her livelihood? Would she just leave well enough alone when he refused to sell thus pissing off Jeremy? She seemed to be in the clear only to endanger her job by going after J.R. I have to say that the second act, which is usually the slowest part of the screenplay moves at a nice clip in this one and the writer needs to be commended for it. I felt like you tried to cram a little too much in the third act as the story slowed down considerably. You sort of branched off here following Bob and Trinny with J.R. and Ian when J.R. could have remained the central villain throughout and simplified the plot considerably.
  
  CHARACTER: I felt that Ian developed as a character a little too slowly. The author gives us no redeeming qualities about him early enough for us to get behind him. We essentially know nothing about him other than he is on the run from the law. His scheme in the first act seems to only serve himself and only helps the tube stuffers because they are a means to his own goals.
  
  DIALOGUE: The dialogue was certainly unique, but with the thick accent you used, many of the minor characters seemed to mesh together and I had a hard time finding a distinctive voice for them. Punjab was well done. So was Ian. He stood out well, perhaps because he didn’t speak with the twang of the others. All in all, the dialogue was acceptable, but I’d like to see more of a differentiation between the minor characters.
  
  STRUCTURE:
  ACT I
  HOOK: The story has an interesting hook, but we don’t get much of a bearing on who Ian really is. We get the sense that he is running from something, but aren’t really sure if he is a bad guy or not. There are some good comedic moments here, but I often got lost in the dialogue and had trouble understanding what exactly the characters were talking about. So far it seems as if Ian was running away from something and he lands in a sort of shantytown where the residents stuff toothpaste tubes for some conglomerate entity.
  
  CHANGE OF PLANS: By the end of the first act, Ian stumbles upon Sutton and strikes a deal to stay in hiding. With the help of the tube stuffers, he now needs to raise $250k to pay the back taxes on the estate. While the plot point works well and comes in an acceptable amount of time, I still find Ian to be a transparent character. We know he is trying to avoid prison, but the author fails to develop his motivation to the extent of why he wants to do so. We aren’t clued in at all as to why Ian is on the lam. He could have unpaid parking tickets for all we know. The stakes need to be developed a bit better before we are fully engrossed in his journey. This doesn’t necessarily mean you need to tell us exactly what he did, but we need to know that it is serious enough to warrant his scheme.
  
  ACT II
  POINT OF NO RETURN: By the midpoint of the story an all out war between J.R. and Ian’s crew has erupted and a division has formed between Bob and Ian. While I think the conflict is upped significantly I still don’t see much more back story for Ian. This poses an issue as I’m having trouble seeing Ian fully committed to his goal, more so than he was at the onset of act two. Since we still don’t know anything about him, his past isn’t being used against him like it should be. If that were the case we could see him wrapped up in a situation that he really couldn’t turn back, but as it is now, I don’t see any reason he wouldn’t just hitch a ride to the next hillbilly town and hide out there.
  
  MAJOR SETBACK: The setback is defined when J.R. beats Ian to the punch and swipes the house from under him. At this point, it seems as though Ian has lost the battle, but at what consequence? Sure, he’s grown a bit close to Trinny and that definitely plays a part, but the fact that he is on the run hasn’t been reinforced as a complication throughout the story. Unless I am mistaken, this is the biggest thing that keeps him in the town, but it’s only really explored well into the third act. All in all, the plot point is there, but I do think it can be strengthened a bit.
  
  ACT III
  CLIMAX: The story branches into two stories in the third act then comes together again for the close. First, J.R. buries Ian alive, and Bob is roasted in his meth shack. Rocko, feeling bad about Ian (I think) delivers the deed to the house to the group after J.R. seemingly goes insane. I thought this was a little convoluted but nevertheless, ties the story up.
  
  GOAL RESOLUTION: The goals were resolved as our heroes ended up with the house. Ian is seemingly off the hook as well now that he is presumed dead.
  
  AFTERMATH/CHARACTER ARC: I never really felt like I knew Ian well enough for him to grow and have a solid arc. In the end, his actions really didn’t do much to secure the house for the group. To me the story read like it was an act of kindness because he was assumed buried and dead. read
• 
  Tubes
  A review of Tubes
  by markporro on 07/10/2007
  This SP could be a fun ride. There are a lot of crazy characters, absurd situations and some pretty dark behavior, but I found Tubes a difficult and confusing story to follow in its present draft. I think the writer/writers tried to put too much into it. There are too many twists and turns, too many leaps in logic, etc. It raises more and more questions as the story progresses... This SP could be a fun ride. There are a lot of crazy characters, absurd situations and some pretty dark behavior, but I found Tubes a difficult and confusing story to follow in its present draft. I think the writer/writers tried to put too much into it. There are too many twists and turns, too many leaps in logic, etc. It raises more and more questions as the story progresses.
  
  The use of sound effects, side comments, etc. pulled me out of the story many times. I found many of the sluglines confusing. I’m not sure if you were trying to be clever, entertaining or what, but just tell us what’s necessary for the story. Make sure it’s clear. I think in a comedy, you can have some fun along the way to make the read fun, but this was too much.
  
  I’m not sure what this SP was about. Is Ian looking for escape from or redemption for the accident? What is his goal? What can you do to help us root for him? Bob’s goal seemed to change. The meth story came pretty late. You could put more hints earlier.
  
  Ian is on the run in the opening. He’s battling some kind of medical condition and the people chasing him. He’s an engineer. An educated guy, but he steals of all things an Airstream. This is silly, but I can go with it. Then he crashes, meets some strange folks who steal his stolen Airstream, then he stumbles onto a house, makes a deal to help an old stranger pay his back taxes of $250,000, so he can keep the house and let the strange bunch he just met, who just stole his getaway vehicle, stay on the land so they can continue stuffing toothpaste in tubes. You lost me here. This guy owns a house and a condo and a business, though in trouble, should have access to some money, friends, something, but he decides to “McGuyver” up some tube stuffing equipment to speed up production, so they can raise the money, so Mr. Sutton can keep his house. Why wouldn’t they raise the money can buy something they can own? Why does Ian decide not to run any more? The chasers can’t be far behind.
  
  They all decide to work together, then meet with their employers, who are helping them raise the money, Ian insults them thinking he has leverage eventually killing the deal for all these oddballs. Why does he think he has a leg to stand on? Is it all ego? Doesn’t this company have many others they outsource to? That part of the storyline is also quite a stretch (FDA etc.). Does Ian realize this or even care? Is his medical condition the excuse for his aberrant behavior? It only gets more confusing after that. I list some specifics below.
  
  Technical notes and questions:
  Italics in sluglines and dialog throughout tend to be confusing and distracting.
  Sound effects throughout are distracting. I found myself trying to sound them out.
  I will say this SP was clean of typos.
  Pg 29 Any reaction from Bob when Ian introduces himself as John Sutton?
  Pg 30 “Titanic ebony table, like a nuclear submarine.” What does that mean?
  Pg 31 Why would this big company do all this outsourcing with no quality control? They would have many complaints, lawsuits, etc. Lots of regulations are out there that should be dealt with, even briefly.
  Pg 36 What happened to his company. His niche?
  Pg 39 What leverage does Ian have, really?
  Pg 40 Was the cylindrical key supposed to be in his throat? This was confusing.
  Pg 43 JR and Jeremy having an affair. What’s the big deal?
  Pg 50 There’s no deal yet? They threaten each other, but production continues. What’s at stake?
  Ian sleeps in the Airstream. Why does Bob accuse him of being in the big house?
  Pg 63 What does Trinny hear on the scanner? How does she make the connection? Is it clear? “You certainly gave me the business. Etc.” Didn’t really need to go there did you?
  Pg 64 Why this turn? Seemed to come out of nowhere. What’s really going on here?
  Pg 69 Why does Punjab have an ice pack on his head? Did I miss something?
  Pg 70 What? Why the blow-up? Why doesn’t the sales girl just call security?
  Pg 78 Now they commit another felony? Assault, now robbery?
  Pg 78 Why the blow-up here? Find out who paid it. Why not take the money and buy a place?
  He didn’t want the place? Why are they doing this?
  Does JR know Ian’s real name? How did she find out? She knows the real John Sutton.
  Pg 82 Meth? No sign of him using earlier? Make it clear way before this.
  Pg 84 Ian’s goal now is the kill JR?
  Pg 88 She’s now hearing her grandfather?
  Pg 90 Now Bob kidnaps Trinny. Another crazy turn.
  Pg 91 Bob’s reason for the entire operation was to keep his teeth? Why did he burn the money? Didn’t he want money so he could go to Montana?
  Pg 92 Are you kidding me? This is a tough sell. Covering your hero in “shit.” May work with payback to JR, but not with your hero.
  Pg 98 When JR says “I don’t know… does it even matter? If it doesn’t matter, your story doesn’t matter. Why is any of this happening? It has to matter.
  Pg 99 “I don’t walk away from what I want.” What does he want. I have no idea. It has changed so many times prior to this.
  
  Simplifying the story and clearing up your action lines could make this SP work. I hope these notes were helpful. Good luck.
  
  Now having said all that, if you have people interested in this story and they are willing to put up the money to produce it, more power to you. Go get it produced and disregard these notes. read
• 
  n/a
  A review of Tubes
  by Lydian on 06/23/2007
  You obviously have clear intentions here, and have put a lot of work into fulfilling them so I’ll be brief (since nothing I write will – or perhaps should – deter you from your vision). What is unique about your writing, the style, made the script a very difficult read for me. The description was over engineered (like a Rube Goldberg machine), overwritten (like an Encyclopedia... You obviously have clear intentions here, and have put a lot of work into fulfilling them so I’ll be brief (since nothing I write will – or perhaps should – deter you from your vision).
  
  What is unique about your writing, the style, made the script a very difficult read for me. The description was over engineered (like a Rube Goldberg machine), overwritten (like an Encyclopedia in iambic pentameter), and contained endless commentary (like Howard Cosell on the Bible), all of which led to a slow and cumbersome read (like a snail in the throes of death). It took me 5 minutes to read the first page.
  
  The originality of your world waned to me in Act II when the caricatures were forced into a derivative plot. Go all the way – make the plot as quirky as the characters.
  
  All in all, I think this could get picked up. This work could certainly attract a director excited by the imagery, and the Coen-esque quirkiness of the characters could earn an audience.
  
  It’s comedy: not drama, no crime.
  
  Dialogue is often well done and the characters well-differentiated but in the end I didn’t care what happened to them because of the banality of the plotline and the tediousness of getting to the end.
  
  Ironically: ignore me, don’t change a thing. read
• 
  A screenplay haiku?
  A review of Tubes
  by PottoCo_Hq on 06/18/2007
  Listen, I'm not one to tell people how to live there lives, most of all, in your craft, I feel like it's the artists place to find his voice, and not just some pushy reader, with bright ideas. That said, this was nearly impossible to read, almost like a haiku, where, at time, I had to stop, and try and figure out what it was you were saying. What's more, it felt as though... Listen, I'm not one to tell people how to live there lives, most of all, in your craft, I feel like it's the artists place to find his voice, and not just some pushy reader, with bright ideas. That said, this was nearly impossible to read, almost like a haiku, where, at time, I had to stop, and try and figure out what it was you were saying. What's more, it felt as though the action and the dialogue were written by two extremely different people; with the action, over the top, fast and hard hit, while the dialogue was obvious, and little bit week. It's nothing that'd get you sent to your bedroom without supper, only, it's nothing that'd insight talk either. As for the plot of the things, it just feels forced, not like something that just came to you, but something you pulled out of your fingertips to show people how unique your ideas can get. I kind of zoned out, to be honest, and hope I can even answer the questions coming up. Try something simple, then build off of that, maybe it'll go somewhere. read
• 
  Toothpaste can get pretty interesting
  A review of Tubes
  by ashish_mehta on 06/17/2007
  All said and done, ‘Tubes’ is indeed a very enjoyable screenplay that takes the audience through different genres crisply, with an effectively ‘different’ feel about it. Mostly well-paced, it’s a neatly crafted story hinged loosely on themes of corruption, greed, and desperation (I mean this in the best possible way). It makes one feel the importance of a house, of money, and... All said and done, ‘Tubes’ is indeed a very enjoyable screenplay that takes the audience through different genres crisply, with an effectively ‘different’ feel about it. Mostly well-paced, it’s a neatly crafted story hinged loosely on themes of corruption, greed, and desperation (I mean this in the best possible way). It makes one feel the importance of a house, of money, and of, uh, toothpaste (!).
  
  STORY/CONCEPT/PLOT
  WHAT WORKS: The story is quite tight. There is a clever lingering air of backstory that adds to the mystery, a subtle film noir touch. However, some of the characters’ pasts, I feel, have not been brought out too well. Ian’s past, especially, hasn’t been used to maximum effect. The story moves smoothly after approximately p. 69. The sudden torrent of twists commencing at p. 77 unveils with an interesting “so everything falls into place” feel about it. Trinny’s sudden disappearance renders an intelligent touch; there is a lot of distraction with two parallel sequences that allow the surprises to be all the more surprising. The events flow smoothly in the final act, leading to a very satisfactory ending.
  WHAT DOESN’T: Up to, at and around p. 58, one feels that the story is a little forced. The fact that Lazarus is at war with I.S. for the Sutton Home does not seem too plausible; the motives are not too clear. The events at times unfold rather mechanically. Further, the beginning of the second act had felt a little bit too much like a monotonous tennis match between Ian and J.R., a little tiresome and cliché at times.
  
  CHARACTER
  WHAT WORKS: The characters that worked the most for me were Trinny, Alderbridge and Punjab. Alderbridge, especially, provides the screenplay with a few comic moments and is endearingly heroic. Trinny is wonderfully mysterious, a not-so-typical love interest. Jacqueline, too, does not disappoint – she is heartless, cruel, and stays that way.
  WHAT DOESN’T: Ian’s character, for me, is a bit of a problem. I’m into page 22 and I still can’t see Ian’s goal here. So he’s escaped prison and needs a house? But the sudden scheme on pages 21-22 seems a little sudden. Is he looking for company? He’s running away, but from what? What will he achieve from this bitter battle but a house? Furthermore, his turbulent past isn’t delivered too effectively, and one feels a little lost at times. I wouldn’t have known he wants to ‘hide out forever’ if it weren’t for the synopsis. The fundamental question: why is he doing the things he’s doing?
  
  FORMATTING/WRITING TECHNIQUE
  The writing techniques employed work for me sometimes, sometimes they don’t. At best, the short, crisp sentences render a very well-paced, fast-moving effect. Nevertheless, it tends to muddle the reader at times. The italicization may just be a little excessive, but adds a very personal touch – so I’m entirely confused on this point, not being particularly against excessive use of italicization! :)
  
  DIALOGUE
  The dialogue is pretty darn crisp. It’s witty, dark, and even philosophical at times. Thumbs up!
  
  SCENES/SEQUENCES THAT “REALLY” WORKED
  At p. 66, the contrast between the video and the scene in J.R.’s office is quite effective, and brings about the flaw in her character incredibly well – it’s like a personal battle unfolding at that very moment. Nice touch. The departmental store scene (p. 69 onward) is quite wonderfully chaotic. It’s a piece of writing that would translate beautifully to the screen. Especially “…but the material feels cheap”!
  
  CONCLUSION
  ‘Tubes’ is most definitely a very workable screenplay – offbeat, wicked, funny and dark. It does not disappoint. However, I feel inclined to make an observation that I pray is not amateurish – the story, and not Ian, tends to be the protagonist, though this isn’t necessarily a problem (do excuse the apparent muddle-headedness). A bit of work here and there, and it would undeniably be top notch. Cheers, and all the best! :) read
• 
  i just didn't get it
  A review of Tubes
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 06/16/2007
  I struggled with this script… just as I am now struggling with the review. I don’t even know if I liked it or not. I believe the main problem is the cold characters. I appreciate the dark humour, but not at anytime did I care for one of them. Why would I? I was prepared to root for Sutton.. I really was. But his character never got off the ground. A missed opportunity I... I struggled with this script… just as I am now struggling with the review. I don’t even know if I liked it or not.
  
  I believe the main problem is the cold characters. I appreciate the dark humour, but not at anytime did I care for one of them. Why would I? I was prepared to root for Sutton.. I really was. But his character never got off the ground. A missed opportunity I believe, and potentially a great source for humour.
  
  I started counting the pages after nine. The script just didn’t move fast enough, nor did it offer enough meat to really get stuck in.
  
  I wish I could offer more, but my mind is blank. read
• 
  Tubular
  A review of Tubes
  by cmeier on 05/25/2007
  This script is simply fantastic. Funny, smart, with great characters in a sharp plot. It seems inspired by, "A Confederacy of Dunces." I don't read the loglines and such before I read the scripts, so when I read afterwards that you've got some funding to try to get it shot, well, I wasn't surprised. It is, in my amateur view, written at a professional level. The characters... This script is simply fantastic. Funny, smart, with great characters in a sharp plot. It seems inspired by, "A Confederacy of Dunces." I don't read the loglines and such before I read the scripts, so when I read afterwards that you've got some funding to try to get it shot, well, I wasn't surprised. It is, in my amateur view, written at a professional level.
  The characters are all different and speak uniquely and the accents seem spot on. We understand them and the revelations late about Bob, Alderbridge and J.R. work fine. Actors will want to play these characters.
  The reversals are delightful and surprising, especially when Ian discovers J.R. paid the taxes. Fun and ironic.
  The descriptions were delicious. Some were a bit, "inside," but since you're directing it yourself, that's okay. The style was an education for me.
  Now, some quibbles.
  My thought on Bob was that he should lose his tooth in the middle of the script, as a clue as to what goes on with him. When you have it happen, the cat's all ready out of the bag. I also didn't buy that Bob had burned the money. Why did he? Maybe he could burn it in front of Trinny. Seeing is believing.
  I didn't understand why Alderbridge decides to go up in flames with Bob; it seems to me he'd all ready redeemed himself. But that just could be me. The fact he really wasn't a spy surely explained his haphazard approach. One of the best characters in a great batch.
  I thought the level of violence ratcheted up a bit much, especially the beating of Ian, "beyond recognition." I liked the dual confrontations at the mobile home and the estate, but the script did seem to go on autopilot at that point. The tied up girl has to be rescued and Ian confronts J.R. and so on.
  As for Ian, his creating the tube-stuffing machine was a real head-turner. I liked Ian and rooted for him, but I didn't know why he wanted to settle down at the manor, being a man on the run. Also, given the brief explanation as to why he behaves the way he does, I'm not clear on the backstory. He apparently caused the death of some people and refused to accept it, which is really the only point that counts, I guess, but the handcuff on his wrist made me think he was more a fugitive from the law rather than an escapee from an institution, so I was left a bit unsatisfied. A few more details, perhaps given in a news report, might've helped.
  When Ian gets buried alive (with Sutton, dead--a disappointment), there's no true irony. I know the crate collapses on him, like that building apparently collapsed on those people, but that's an intellectual realization, not an experienced one, because we don't see the earlier collapse. It should at least be an International Sundries crate, if not one filled with empty tubes.
  His passing out three times in the first five pages is a bit much. Maybe the third time he almost nods out but still loses control of the mobile home.
  I also think the title, "Tubes," doesn't do the script justice. It's too plain for such a wonderful script.
  I enjoyed your story very much. Thanks for writing it. Good luck. read