Reviews of VELVET GLOVES_TS 8

• 
  She said/He said
  A review of VELVET GLOVES_TS
  by kepow on 11/08/2007
  pg.4 "Why bitch -- when you can go jog it off." If you have a character trail off or pause in their dialogue, use... The dashes indicate that the character was interrupted. Also needs a question mark. pg.5 "Anyway, my girlfriends at school? (here you need a semi-colon instead of the question mark. Although, I've heard arguments that a comma is as good as a semi-colon too... pg.4 "Why bitch -- when you can go jog it off."
  
  If you have a character trail off or pause in their dialogue, use... The dashes indicate that the character was interrupted. Also needs a question mark.
  
  pg.5 "Anyway, my girlfriends at school? (here you need a semi-colon instead of the question mark. Although, I've heard arguments that a comma is as good as a semi-colon too.
  
  pg.9 To avoid the "LATER", start this part in a new location since it is one anyway. Try maybe, "CHURCH STEPS" followed by her ascending them and strapping on the fanny pack.
  
  pg.14 First, Mali's phone call, then the confrontation with Sister Kenya, now with Chelsea and her dad, it's the third time that we're given dialogue which is obviously a set up (I don't mean in an expositional way)for more to come. The problem is, I don't know the people/situations your current characters are talking about and I'm worried that too much of this will be forgotten by the time it all comes around.
  
  pg.17 Okay, I spoke too soon. Now it's expositional with the details regarding Mali coming to light. If Mali is the as yet unnamed woman in this same diner as I suspect she is, having Chelsea and Judge Gray spot her to begin this topic would eliminate the name dropping you have here making it read much better.
  
  pg.19 Random thought: Instead of "...no slam dunk." which is a reference to basketball, how about a reference to boxing?
  
  pg.36 You could easily cut the scene where Sniff and Mali are approached by the waiter. I would cut straight from the previous scene at her front door, to Sniff sampling his wine.
  
  pg.41 Mali's remark of "At last." seems...stiff.
  
  pg.45 "...when you through (threw) Nero that challenge."
  
  pg.53 So that's LL cool J's real name? Cool.
  
  pg.56 "You uped (upped?) the offer..."
  
  Also, Chelsea has two seperate bits of dialogue in a row without any action between them.
  
  pg.70 An extra space between "Cameras" and "FLASH".
  
  pg.79 I think if Steele is standing outside that diner, seemingly waiting for Sniff, then he needs to have something good to say to him instead of walking away.
  
  pg.82 Ah, now it's getting juicy.
  
  pg.90 "...biggest national sports debate(s) of ..."
  
  Also, the wife revealing her gender change to her husband, funny.
  
  pg.96 The dialogue between Kenya and Steele here could use a boost. It's a little too short and blunt with some sappiness sprinkled in. I think, anyway.
  
  pg.98 Took me a bit to remember who Sheba was. Might not have been a problem if I could actually have seen her, like on screen, but I'm not sure.
  
  Also, "...you'll always be my champ." Seems a litle corny to me, especially considering how she blew Mali off the first time around. I'm thinking that some good words of encouragement might get her feelings across without saying as much.
  
  pg.103 K.K's assistant? I may have missed his/her introduction somewhere, but I can't find it now.
  
  Looking back, I think that there might be too much teasing at what is to come and not enough shown regarding what's driving Mali from the beginning.
  
  My biggest concern is that without revealing more of the reason why she is so obsessed with fighting Nero, there may not be enough in the first half of the story to keep an audience interested. Because really, this story requires a lot of audience participation to keep track of the information presented along the way and not forget it. Giving us more reason to care about Mali from the start might ease that pain.
  
  I thought it was great after pg.82 though and a pretty neat twist on the "girl wants to play sports with boys" type of story.
  
  I like your writing too. Pretty clean and crisp.
  
  I hope that helped,
  
  write on.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  read
• 
  The Impossible
  A review of VELVET GLOVES_TS
  by Chaplin31 on 11/01/2007
  We've seen this before, or something like it. A women fighter who wants to fight with men decides to become one to do it. With films like Million Dollar Baby, and even Rocky, this would be a very hard sell. In my opinion a lot about this script is impossible. In this day and age a women fighting a man isn't out of reach. Mali would not have to have a sex change to make... We've seen this before, or something like it. A women fighter who wants to fight with men decides to become one to do it. With films like Million Dollar Baby, and even Rocky, this would be a very hard sell. In my opinion a lot about this script is impossible.
  
  In this day and age a women fighting a man isn't out of reach. Mali would not have to have a sex change to make this happen. Fighting in a country with no rules is always the option, and it's where the writer took us anyway. It's the little things in the script that make it hard to sell. Any women fighting in a mens heavyweight division is a laugh, even if she is built like a man that is tough. Men carry more weight, it's how we're built. At the end of the last fight the fighter is saved by the bell in the last round. I watch boxing and I have never seen a fight allow the bell to save a fighter in the last round.
  
  All the side stories had me bored and not interested, it should have focused more on this girl wanting to be the best and that's it. More boxing would help a lot as well. In the three fights in the script we only get to witness one, the other two are interrupted by a sports show that should be taken out of the script all together. The characters all seemed the same to me as well, no matter who they were they spoke the same, and acted the same, it kept me out of it the whole time.
  
  A boxing movie is hard to write, and I really feel that no one cares to watch one about a women fighter becoming a man. This script would have to have great characters and story to survive, like Rocky, and Million Dollar Baby, but it lacks both. I would re-write all of it, or it might be impossible to ever sell. Good Luck...
  read
• 
  Amazing
  A review of VELVET GLOVES_TS
  by filmwriter karyn on 11/01/2007
  Let’s get right to it, shall we? As a woman reader…bravo! We need more movies like this. I was completely engrossed throughout the read. There’s not too much constructive critique I can give since I LOVED it, but here’s a few things that struck me during the read: -During the opening scene, the dialogue seems really curt. I think the first few lines were fine, but then... Let’s get right to it, shall we? As a woman reader…bravo! We need more movies like this. I was completely engrossed throughout the read. There’s not too much constructive critique I can give since I LOVED it, but here’s a few things that struck me during the read:
  
  -During the opening scene, the dialogue seems really curt. I think the first few lines were fine, but then I was beginning to think Mali and Chelsea had some sort of stunted conversational pattern. However, the dialogue settled in the rest of the script. It might have just been my read, but it seemed a little off in comparison to the rest of the dialogue.
  
  -I found the relationship between Sniff and Mali a little rushed. I know you’re running on a limited amount of pages here to develop this B storyline, but I’d like to see a little more of a bond between them.
  
  -A screenwriter’s blog I often visit recently had an article about “Waking Up” scenes. She said you should limit your script to a 1 scene maximum of your main character waking up. Just something to keep in mind. I do really like your opening scene, but did you consider opening with the Mali jogging/surprising her mugger scene? I think that’s an opportunity to surprise your audience and make a great opening statement. However, your opening sequence definitely works, and you know what the say: “If it ain’t broken…”
  
  -Loved the dialogue between Sniff & Aunt Jemimah; it really helped develop his character and was genuinely humorous without being forced.
  
  -Also loved the dialogue back-and-forth between Steele and K.K. leading up to the LL Cool J line. Awesome!
  
  -Yeah, I saw the sex-change coming, but you didn’t spend a lot of time keeping Sniff (and your readers) in the dark about it, so that worked well for me. I love that this decision proves exactly how far she’s willing to go to get what she wants. No need to tell, you’re showing it.
  
  -The last 15 pages were fantastic. I saw every scene in my head, could hear the fight crowd screaming, see the cameras flashing, even smell the sweat… okay, maybe not the sweat but you get the idea.
  
  -Take it for what it’s worth, but I love me a happy ending. It’s a bit bittersweet for me that Mali/Steele dies, and a little odd that Nero does too. Now, I know next to nothing about boxing, but doesn’t a boxer dying as a result of a fight make news because it’s rare? It seemed unlikely to me that they both would die from the same fight. As the fight was drawing to a close, it didn’t even matter to me anymore who won in the judges’ eyes. Mali/Steele had proven to the world who the mighty Nero really was, and shown that he could be beaten. By a woman, no less. I’m curious as to how you decided on this ending as you have obviously put a great deal of thought into your story structure so I’m assuming you have you reasons. You might want to spell them out a little bit more for people like me. That way, even though I’m heartbroken about it, I understand why it has to happen this way.
  
  Overall, amazing. Best I’ve read on TS so far; original, compelling and entertaining. Your writing style, dialogue and characterization were top-notch. I’m sorry I can’t be more help in the critique department, but GREAT JOB and good luck! read
• 
  Really got into it
  A review of VELVET GLOVES_TS
  by shadesdown2001 on 10/29/2007
  Besides that there were a few places in the script that seemed out of place or needless, I really liked this script. It really took on the form as I was reading it as though I was watching a movie and not reading. I liked the Mali character. This entire script took on more than one scenerio. The scene descriptions especially during the fight scenes were excellent. I liked the... Besides that there were a few places in the script that seemed out of place or needless, I really liked this script. It really took on the form as I was reading it as though I was watching a movie and not reading. I liked the Mali character. This entire script took on more than one scenerio. The scene descriptions especially during the fight scenes were excellent. I liked the comical sides of certain characters. Especially between K.K. and Steele when Steele quoted LL Cool J. It took a rereads to understand that Steele, Chelsea and Mali were brother and sisters. This script kind of took on the role of a familiar movie I had seen before but All in all, I really liked this plot and the fact that a female could overcome numerous obsticles not only in the ring but in her personal life as well. Mali seemed as though she was a tough character to confront but also took on a more softer gentle role as well. read
• 
  Doesn't pack a punch
  A review of VELVET GLOVES_TS
  by bradybunch45 on 10/29/2007
  Velvet gloves has decent dialogue, solid characterization and the story itself is built for cinema -- A story that depends so much on a character who NEEDS escape herself and defeat the protagonist man. If there's one thing I respect about this story, it contains an active, heroic female protagonist which many scripts fail to have. Many scripts will pay little attention to... Velvet gloves has decent dialogue, solid characterization and the story itself is built for cinema -- A story that depends so much on a character who NEEDS escape herself and defeat the protagonist man. If there's one thing I respect about this story, it contains an active, heroic female protagonist which many scripts fail to have. Many scripts will pay little attention to the female lead, only there for a little romance/sex. But, Velvet Gloves twists and turns upon gender-based conflict.
  
  However, The danger in weaving a story that relies on the twists and turns of human frailty is that you can veer close to an over-manipulation. This was my criticism of Crash as well. The interweaving and coincidences were a little too good to be believable; they hit you over the head too hard. Your story avoided much of the soap-opera feel but also failed to support many of the dramatic turns we would encounter.
  
  With regards to dialogue, Most scripts, even accomplished drafts by professionals, need a good measure of dialogue editing. Your work is no exception. Trim, Trim, Trim. THINK VISUAL..as your script would benefit from solid pacing.
  
  All in all, I have great faith that you can make this a great script. The sincerity and depth of feeling is there; I can easily tell that this is material you care about. Just remember that your role here is to communicate clearly. If you’re not in tune with some of my issues, seek other opinions and don’t be afraid to edit out facets of the story that you might be attached to. read
• 
  Back to basics
  A review of VELVET GLOVES_TS
  by miner on 10/13/2007
  A Hollywood type reader is always looking for a reason to throw a script in the circular file. I've come across serious formatting problems which will make up the bulk of my review. Having Mali do a voiceover while presumably unconscious in a dream sequence does not work well. In the scene that introduces Judge Gray, you set the scene with: EXT./INT. HOTEL, LOUNGE - DAY... A Hollywood type reader is always looking for a reason to throw a script in the circular file. I've come across serious formatting problems which will make up the bulk of my review.
  
  Having Mali do a voiceover while presumably unconscious in a dream sequence does not work well.
  
  In the scene that introduces Judge Gray, you set the scene with: EXT./INT. HOTEL, LOUNGE - DAY. A scene can't be both ext and int
  
  the ambiguous side story between Chelsea and her father needs clarified and strengthened
  
  He quickly picks up his jaw. p 35 is an awkward construction.
  
  "SNIFF
  Really? I saw the glint in your
  eyes when you through Nero that
  challenge" page 45. The typo is through instead of threw.
  
  "SNIFF (V.O.)
  And what if this your plan
  doesn’t work?" 46 another awkward construction. As is the following:
  
  K.K.
  I'm sure your better gyms must
  have put you in better shape. page47
  
  Did Chelsea's court case extended over the three years it took for Mali to become a man and get to Ghana? It was not made clear.
  
  "CHELSEA
  Like I did in the Ash case? You uped
  the offer then, remember?" Upped is misspelled
  
  "CHELSEA
  Irrelevant.
  CHELSEA
  You're a friend to the judge, aren’t
  you?
  JUDGE GRAY
  Irrelevant. Why are you so into this"
  The above should have combined the two Chelsea dialogues
  
  Mali/Steele's casual confidence that he/she wouldn't be found out during the confrontation with Sniff doesn't ring true. You nowhere say whether Mali is given a new face to go with the new body.But even so, he/she would be at least nervous. (where DOES all that surgery money come from?)
  
  Page 90... presumably, the transgendered wife would know whether or not she told her husband of her previous gender orientation instead of acting surprised.
  
  how many times does Sniff or Bo or another man prostrate themselves at Chelsea or Mali's feet.... even Mali/Steele gets it from Kenya.... Too much of the same scenario can be too much...
  
  "BEN
  I was want to believe that Steele
  would provide stiffer opposition." Page 103. Needs 'I wanted' instead of 'I was want'.
  
  "BEN
  All the poise, all the pizzazz and
  silk movement is back. This is truly
  Steele Canyon's round!" Did you mean, 'silky'?
  
  How to approach this.... as it would be critqued by a Hollywood reader type or not? Either way, there are problems that should not still be there. You need a book on scriptwriting style
  so that CLANKS and THE BOOKSHELF and other non-direction words are not capitalized in bold as if they were scene direction or characters names. read
• 
  A pummeling
  A review of VELVET GLOVES_TS
  by joxyjoxyjoxy on 10/11/2007
  After reading this script my head feels like it just went ten rounds. One of the most difficult scripts I've read on TS. I understand the author's attempts to foreshadow and ask questions to be answered later, but ultimately I was just puzzled most of the time. I couldn'[t figure out what this guy STeele was doing with KK in Ghana for a long time. maybe the writer wants... After reading this script my head feels like it just went ten rounds.
  
  One of the most difficult scripts I've read on TS. I understand the author's attempts to foreshadow and ask questions to be answered later, but ultimately I was just puzzled most of the time.
  
  I couldn'[t figure out what this guy STeele was doing with KK in Ghana for a long time. maybe the writer wants it that way, but if he's KK's son, how come there was no surprise on KK's part when he (kind of )tells him? This is just one example among many.
  
  The dialogue just outright confused me. Rarely did I have any idea what a scene was trying to accomplish:
  
  SNIFF
  Wait a minute. Kabuki's gym. Don't tell me you were--
  
  MALI
  Whose business?
  
  SNIFF
  Lady got a story to tell. Let's hear it.
  
  MALI
  I have none.
  
  I have no idea what takes place in this exchange. What is Sniff asking her when he's interrupted, and what does Mali mean by 'whose business?' Is she trying to say “Who the hell wants to know?” I understand entirely the writer's desire to be original and clever, but I have come across so many scripts where the writer thinks him or herself right out of the simplest (and usually clearest) dialogue. Shakespeare and poets say “I have none.”
  
  “Something is not quite in place here about you...wait” much simpler to just say “something about you don't add up,”
  
  As for the story itself, I'm sorry, I don't like to pummel people's ideas but I thought it bordered on ridiculous. A woman getting a sex change so she can fight her mother's rapist (and murderer, too? Another item I'm not too clear on) in the ring? And they both die during the fight? Wow. Certainly original but...wow.
  
  The writer can certainly write in the sense that the narrativfe was grammatically correct and I could understand what he was trying to say, but the whole structure of the story is too poorly crafted. It's like using solid bricks to build a house that can't stand up to a good wind. Readers should not have to read and re-read and overtax their brains to figure out what is supposed to be happening onscreen, and I found myself doing this throughout.
  
  My apologies for the negative commentary. I don't like to dash anyone's dreams, but this author needs to put some work into his own education re: screenwriting and storytelling. I can't recommend enough Robert Mckee's book STORY, or David Trotierre's SCREENWRITING BIBLE.
  
  Good luck.
  read
• 
  Slow starter
  A review of VELVET GLOVES_TS
  by scotfire on 10/11/2007
  slow starter but could be a knockout with some work. A boxing story with a huge twist. A twist that is nit foreseen and ultimately the end makes the twist fall flat. After all they knew the truth and allowed the fight. Yes a pick I don’t think China would be the right setting for such a fight. Taiwan would be more likely. IMO My thoughts on this will no doubt be all over... slow starter but could be a knockout with some work.
  
  A boxing story with a huge twist. A twist that is nit foreseen and ultimately the end makes the twist fall flat. After all they knew the truth and allowed the fight. Yes a pick I don’t think China would be the right setting for such a fight. Taiwan would be more likely. IMO
  
  My thoughts on this will no doubt be all over as this script felt.
  
  Story. Woman wants to box can’t get into the fight with a man. Fair enough. The reason for her fighting that particular guy are not told until much later. You already lost the audience.
  
  To have a woman trying to prove herself in a man’s world is one thing. She wants to box men. To have her do it to get back at a man who raped her mother is a different path. A much better path that would hold an audiences’ attention to will her own and get behind her. As is she seems a bit of a screwball.
  
  You have a lot fo named charters and you are still introducing new ones in the third act. Very difficult to follow them all and their subplots.
  Chelsea and her dad.
  
  KK and his family
  
  The reporter/cop/boyfriend.
  
  What was it with that fan who we seen at the start and then at the end,
  You connected all those charters and had them interact with each other, that is a good point. But there was too much of it.
  
  The connection between the judge and mali, would she really be best friends with Chelsea? Worlds apart socially to start with. How they got together as friends would be interesting. There are so many possibilities how this script could go. You tried to take them all on and you lost.
  
  Her father just happened to be a boxer and now runs his own gym in Ghana.
  Her boyfriend happened to be the cop who ditched evidence that led to her mother’s rapist getting off. The fact he wishes he hadn’t, doesn’t strike a chord. He did it. How he didn’t know at the time I shall not ponder on. Now years later he must surely know the name Mali.
  
  I didn’t get the turn into act 2........page 40 you were still dawdling about what Mali wanted to do. The sex change is your big turn that should start act 2 IMO
  
  The way you have Mali disappear and then Steele appear threw me. There was nothing to suggest this was the way she was going to achieve her goal. Fine in some things keeping an audience guessing. To not let them in is a different matter. They won’t stay to watch it through. Those that do would feel cheated.
  
  It’s like there are 2 stories, 2 charters both with the same goal. Heavy weight championship of the world. I have to say she must be a big lass to get into that weight group.
  
  To change suddenly the pace and story doesn’t work. Need the set ups and the pay offs for satisfaction this had none.
  All the clues and the charters connecting does not enhance this it bogs it down. Get to the point. She wants to fight that guy and the reason. She s female it wont happen. Fine she ll ditch her feminine side go the whole hog be a man.
  
  There are films where gender has been changed to get what they want. Can’t say there has been an actual sex change. So that is different. How far she will go to get her goal. Thats a good point. So to achieve this and get the audience behind her. You must drive her forward with tunnel vision on her mission of revenge whatever it takes.
  
  Did we really need her sister in this? What did it show. Mali is righting the wrong? Her sister is hiding away from it? As Mali was the one who witnessed the attack there is no need for her sis. Unless you use her as a blocker. To try and persuade Mali what she is doing is wrong, if you get my meaning.
  No one in this is trying to stop this crazy woman. They are all urging her on. No sense of danger with what boxing can do. Just we’ll all support you even though we don’t know why. Just she wants this guy who has retired back out to prove herself.
  
  Boxing films, tons of them. You have to bring something new in. It cannot be about winning. In all honesty what did she achieve by fighting the guy?
  
  What story message is in there. Change your sex to beat up the guy who raped your mum, all will be well. To have her do that she should have incurred some arc of change towards him. Realised violence was not the answer, was not the way to get revenge. Through the law is the only way. Jail time as her mother endured. Stripped of money as compensation. All you did was humiliated him cos he got his ass kicked by a woman. Ten you killed her off. She did not change. I guess she achieved what she wanted. I thought it felt flat at the end no satisfaction gained.
  
  Who was the other guy her mother shot. I missed that.
  
  The writing itself was clean enough, easy to follow tho your inter cuts could be handled better. Your structure is way off for me. No major turns. You just went off on a whole new story in Ghana.
  
  Characters, too many doing their own thing. Pin them down better and what they want.
  
  Chelsea what did she want? There were scenes with her and her dad that could be cut nothing would be lost from this particular story path. There is a story on its on father v daughter in court but has bean done, and done well. So what dramatic tension you are trying to raise between them and why is not clear.
  
  Sniff... yes I couldn’t get with that name. Sounded like a henchman for a mob guy or something. A two bit reporter who outs the woman we are supposed to believe he loves. I would say he would confront her over the evidence, threaten to expose her if she goes ahead. No you took the sedate path he outs her. She loses her licence. Then another easy path have the fight in China.
  
  Apart from the boxing there is no other conflict in this. You set up things then you give them all easy ways to get out of them. No dramatic tension. It is lost.
  
  You have connected all the characters through one act. There is set up in scripts. There is coincidences. I thought the third act yes it did all come together, but just too many coincidences for it to work as a film.
  I could go on with this saying which way you could go. There are so many paths it could take. You must decide the ones for yourself.
  
  Overall.
  You have the concept. She wants to fight the guy for what he did,
  Characters. To many ditch some. Use only important ones to the story. Yes, the other characters need their own stories but don’t let them get in the way of the main one. Having them connected is fine but let the audience in on some of it.
  
  Get to the point of the story quicker the reason for it. First act needs defined.
  
  The sex change show us or least hint it. Let us see her walk away defeated. Then let us see her back as Steele(or not as you prefer) To have her go and then appear with someone new it isn’t good writing, nor would it be good viewing. Especially as you then set it in a different country with a lot of new charters. The hit with the kid wasn’t that big a deal. Needs more.
  Need someone who is against Mali to get drama into this. There is none.
  
  Did it work for me. I have to say not.
  Write down what you want Mali to do. How she will do it. Then intro the other characters. Some to help, some have to be against her or as is it won’t work overall.
  
  Make it harder for her.
  
  Change the end. She just died after knocking the guy down. What satisfaction can be gained from that. She could run the guy over in her car and get the same. He must know who she is before that rounds get going. She must tell him how he is going down and why.
  
  To have them know who she is gives the opposition the upper hand. She must have it in that final five minutes not them. Fine her mum has died. Let someone else leak that not the opposition.
  
  take away the sex change what do you have?
  
  thoughts.
  
  another boxing movie.
  
  so therin lies the uniqueness of your story. thus you must build upon it. Show us the change through the character. Show us her fears, she has none. Show us her failings, she has none.
  
  show us a point in which she stops believing in herself. A point in which she challenges herself as in what she is doing and why. We must see her make the choice to go ahead with it. Even if it means losing something.
  
  what does she lose? Nothing. What will happen if she loses. A man beating up on a woman hardly a victory.
  
  show us her highs and lows, show her more feminine side. One night of dinner with a nice dress is not enough.
  bring out the woman in her more. The boxer is the inner self that drives her towards her goal. The bit that makes her tough.
  
  get the audince behind her more. Make us belive she may fail. Make us want her to win to achive her goal. Give us the reasons behind it.
  
  get into this story about 20 pages sooner.
  
  thumping a mugger in the way she did. No she must take him down but she doesn't have to take the uy out altogether. don't make her so mean towards others in that way.
  
  she has skills, she must use them wisely.
  
  I shall end it there. So much to say. Think I have gave you enough to think about.
  And do rewrite it. Get the main storyline down better and it will be good.
  Best with it. read