+ more submissions by f8xmulder

Reviews of Ward A 6

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  A WARD-ING
  A review of Ward A
  by D J Sheridan on 09/26/2008
  As stories go in script form this is somewhat of an excellent read. The idea of children with autism having special powers is an intruiging one, especially when the main character of Hope has the ability to manifest the same type of powers in relation to the children. It is also fascinating to bring in Egyptology into the realm of this story, from the perspective of Peter..... As stories go in script form this is somewhat of an excellent read. The idea of children with autism having special powers is an intruiging one, especially when the main character of Hope has the ability to manifest the same type of powers in relation to the children.
  It is also fascinating to bring in Egyptology into the realm of this story, from the perspective of Peter... and the plagues of Egypt, with a spiritual presence entering...
  The characters are well groomed to this story and at times have great dialogue, although some dialogue sounds a little wooden, but nothing that couldn't be polished up.
  As a fellow script writer I know the pains and toils of re-writing.
  
  Now onto the formatting:
  
  I'd like to know what scriptwriting program was used as some formatting is a little off. If it was written and formatted manually then I comend you on a good attempt.
  
  I notice the single-spaced sections after periods. Most script readers find double-spaced after periods easier to read.
  
  After each scene you have triple-spaced before the next scene heading instead of just double-spacing, using up valuable space for more action and/or dialogue.
  
  Also you use "--" for pauses in action. This is warranted but try placing spaces before and after "--".
  Speaking of "--", it looks amateurish to start a scene with them unless the previous scene finishes with "--" and even better if it is a continuation from, or a same time moment of said
  previous scene.
  
  Only use capitalization for introduction of characters and sounds heard... and never use italics.
  
  Long paragraphs of business (action) look ugly and tiresome to read (bottom of page 15). Try breaking them up into smaller 4-line paragraphs... and rarely use 5 lined ones.
  
  Page 22, never start a scene with anything but INT. or EXT. If you need to explain it is a dream sequence or flashback, etc. then try putting it in capitals after the scene heading, or
  put it in the scene heading after the location.
  
  Page 23, the use of "BACK TO SCENE" uses up a couple of lines, wasting them. Most script readers will know if the action comes back from inserts or shots, etc.
  With respect to shots: try limiting their use as if it got to production and filming a director will most probably think of something else.
  
  Page 74, you placed EST. on the scene heading in brackets at the end. This can be done similar to the DAY or NIGHT extensions.
  
  Page 90 and 91, try not to use camera direction (SLOW-MO and PAN, etc.) as this will be decided by the director only.
  
  Some dialogue splits over to the next page (indicated by (MORE) on the bottom of page then (CONT'D) on the character line. Try to stop this from happening as much as possible.
  
  Always end the script with FADE OUT.
  
  In most script writing programs the above formatting techniques come straight out of the box... and can be altered to suit your needs. Remembering that there are no given rules to writing, but good presentation is everything to a reader.
  
  Keep up the good work! read
• 
  WARD TO YOUR MOTHER
  A review of Ward A
  by HeatMiser on 09/05/2008
  This is a very mysterious story – dark and foreboding. Right out of the gate there are weird, intriguing, scary and even downright gross events. The story itself has been researched thoroughly...kudos on that. I think that the biblical plagues are so much fun to work into a story and you did it well by putting a unique twist on it. It’s a shame, however, that “The Reaping”... This is a very mysterious story – dark and foreboding. Right out of the gate there are weird, intriguing, scary and even downright gross events. The story itself has been researched thoroughly...kudos on that. I think that the biblical plagues are so much fun to work into a story and you did it well by putting a unique twist on it. It’s a shame, however, that “The Reaping” came out so recently. But the silver lining is that “The Reaping” is rapidly being forgotten.
  
  The characters were varied and many and I found myself flipping back and forth in the script to match characters in one scene with their previous scenes – just a little confusing because of the complexity. Try to either pair down the cast or give the main characters more unique voices. Otherwise, I commend the effort and good job.
  
  There are a lot of mixed character motives in here, too, which adds to the page flipping and intrigue. Also, there are many thematic ideas thrown at the reader: ESP, autism, Egyptology, biblical plagues, etc. This is an observation – not a complaint. All the pieces serve the story and add rich layers to it. It’s just confusing at times – that’s all.
  
  The action descriptions can be overwritten, but overall, I thought they helped to get me into the mood of the piece. I have been accused of overwriting before (see “Evening Falls”), so it doesn’t really bug me. That said shorter, more succinct bits of action might speed the pace up and make it seem a more manageable and fun read.
  
  Not all of the mysteries presented are answered in the story and in that regard I felt a little unfulfilled at the end. That said this is a very well researched script that – with further tooling – should be even more successful. Good job. read
• 
  Ward A Grade B
  A review of Ward A
  by dburt on 08/20/2008
  WARD A critique I’m not that familiar with the horror genre, but this seems a fairly standard plot with fairly standard characters. The script starts off well, setting up for the later suspense. There are definitely some creepy moments with visions that the characters don’t see and in the tunnels. The mood was struck with some good description, I love, “Clouds maraud the... WARD A critique
  
  I’m not that familiar with the horror genre, but this seems a fairly standard plot with fairly standard characters. The script starts off well, setting up for the later suspense. There are definitely some creepy moments with visions that the characters don’t see and in the tunnels. The mood was struck with some good description, I love, “Clouds maraud the sky,”(I might have to steal that), a creepy hospital, rain and frogs.
  
  Most of the parts of the script work by themselves, but as a whole it doesn’t quite hold up.
  
  In the beginning, Hope, the attractive, do-good doctor, seems pretty lovey-dovey with Linus. But later she says off duty, “He’s a violent, angry, lonely man.” If he’s all that, why would she be with him? Did we see when Hope broke up with Linus? How does she know Peter well enough to go off with him for the weekend?
  
  I know Hope does do some investigating and she tries to help the kids and she goes into the tunnels, but at the end I didn’t have the feeling that she did much. I don’t know off hand how to fix that except to have her be more proactive throughout.
  
  I had the same feeling about the two cops. They were there, asking a few questions, but never did much.
  
  We know early on that Linus isn’t the nice guy Hope banters with in the beginning. It seems like all his badness is directed at Hope. I’d like a bit more foreshadowing of his real nastiness down in the tunnel at the end.
  
  I’m not sure who the real bad guy is here. Is it Linus? Rafe? Dr. Ramsey? Rafe is apparently a demon. What is he after with his experiments? Did he get it before he suddenly flew away? Was there any foreshadowing he was a demon? Without that his turning and flying away doesn’t work.
  
  It’s not at all clear to me who was responsible for the previous kidnappings. Did I miss it?
  
  I didn’t buy Hope’s sudden epiphany that the kids were behind all the weirdness. They were involved in most everything weird that happened. Surely enough evidence that it was about the kids. That was a DUH moment. What were the kids actually going to do with the KEY?
  
  On page 21-22, Beth helps Daniel into the chair, twice, and straps him in. Rafe also straps him in. Once would be enough.
  
  On p4 change --the 9.mm to -- a 9.mm. “The” implies we already know about it. There are several other places where a missing or wrong word changes the meaning. You need to go through line by line and check for typos, missing or extra words.
  
  All in all Ward A is a good idea, well written, there are just too many inconsistencies and unanswered questions for it to work really well. read
• 
  Ward up...
  A review of Ward A
  by mrmilton on 08/09/2008
  I’m a nosey so and so and I always like to have a wee scan at peoples profiles when I read one of their submissions. Looking at the ratings of your other screenplays (I haven’t read them yet...) you must be a confident and competent writer. I find it hard to find where Ward A fits in. If I hadn’t looked at your profile I would have said this was a first time submission from... I’m a nosey so and so and I always like to have a wee scan at peoples profiles when I read one of their submissions. Looking at the ratings of your other screenplays (I haven’t read them yet...) you must be a confident and competent writer.
  
  I find it hard to find where Ward A fits in. If I hadn’t looked at your profile I would have said this was a first time submission from a novice member. And I know what I’m talking about – have a look at the pap I submitted the other day.
  
  I think what I mean is that Ward A was confused and over-written. I have read it three times now and I’m still struggling to sum the story up. I think just one of the themes would make a decent TV movie (Biblical plague hits small town, copycat ancient Egyptian style killer on the loose, psychic autistic children take revenge on abusers) but all three was far too much for my pea-size.
  
  I have read a couple of submissions here that tackle flashbacks and time shifts with real confidence and dexterity. I didn’t see either in Ward A. Probably, like I said, because there was too much going on. Complicated is good, but keep it simple. (If that makes sense.)
  
  A lot of the dialogue was very melodramatic and clunky. I didn’t really believe any of the characters relationships with one another, especially Linus and Hope. And was Linus the arch-villain? Or was it Rafe and Beth? Why could it not have been Dr. Ramsey? Make him the bad guy (he runs the place anyway) and you can then bin 2 or 3 characters for simplicities sake. And there are a lot of characters, 23 named speaking parts no less. Five of them are cops. Do you need that many?
  
  In terms of overwriting, a lot of your action lines could be trimmed and made punchier. Sometimes you describe things twice or include un-filmable descriptions.
  
  The ending felt rushed, perhaps unsurprising given the amount of loose ends to tie up. And what was really resolved?
  
  You obviously have a great deal of talent but I’m not sure that Ward A does you justice. Keep going and I look forward to reading some of your other submissions.
  read
• 
  A revieW
  A review of Ward A
  by maestro976 on 08/07/2008
  I've reviewed quite a few scripts here at TS, but Ward A was my first real genre piece, and I was very excited to read it. I really like horror films, even though I find 90% of them to be pretty crappy. Ward A has the potential to be one of the good ones, but I have to say, I think it needs some work. I'd be curious to see what other reviewers think. Your other scripts seem... I've reviewed quite a few scripts here at TS, but Ward A was my first real genre piece, and I was very excited to read it. I really like horror films, even though I find 90% of them to be pretty crappy. Ward A has the potential to be one of the good ones, but I have to say, I think it needs some work. I'd be curious to see what other reviewers think. Your other scripts seem to garner mostly positive reviews, so maybe I am missing something. Bear in mind, this is just one man's opinion. I hope some of this helps.
  
  You have an intriguing setup. The biblical plagues thing has been done before, but you put enough of spin on it (incorporating Egyptology) to keep it interesting. I like the scientific and historical research you put into the script. It definitely gives it some depth.
  
  I didn't find a ton of depth in the characters, though. Hope is the most well defined, but spends the majority of the script chasing after spooky kids and apparitions. Her lost memories are an interesting facet, but the idea is introduced late in the game. I would develop that earlier; give it a chance to build. As of now it almost feels like an afterthought. It is mentioned once and then factors into the finale.
  
  The secondary characters are serviceable, although I found the cop dialog too be too generic. You could definitely do something more interesting with them. Also, Linus' transformation from loving boyfriend to crazed stalker seemed kind of abrupt, as did the onset of Hope and Peter's relationship. I know they've known each other for years, but what is in their past?
  
  My main critique of the script is that it suffers from an overload of good ideas. I see how the plagues and the mythology and the autism and the ESP all relate. Thematically it all adds up. But the way it is presented seems scattershot and confusing. Much of it is presented in short, broken up scenes where weird things happen, but are not explained. Some of it is explained later on, but in a round about way. The whole end, especially, left me with a lot of questions.
  
  Who was the killer/kidnapper? Linus and Rafe, separately? I assume Beth was framed by Rafe?
  
  What were their motives? Linus seemed to feel there was a connection between fucking animals and autistic kids and spiritual enlightenment. What were Rafe's motives? Was Richie's death just an accident?
  
  Hope was raped (almost raped?) by her father? She was saved by angels? It is unclear.
  
  What is the deal with "keep the baby Ka"? Was Hope pregnant?
  
  The children are the key, but to what? The other side? That seemed evident from the start. Not quite a reveal. Is there more to it?
  
  All of Hope's visions are due to the hallucinogenic drug, correct? There was no actual Jackal god chasing her around. So who did the actual drugging, and why?
  
  Because there were obviously some supernatural things going on, like the plagues. Was the Egyptian world bleeding over? What was real and what wasn't? (I understand if you want to blur that line.)
  
  I feel like it is all laid out, but not tied together well. Maybe another reading would provide more answers, or it would translate better on screen. Regardless, a script should be direct and easy to follow, even if it is convoluted. It might all add up to you, because it is in your head. Again, I'd like to see what others say.
  
  Another thing in regards to the ending, why tell a portion of it in flashback? It was confusing and didn't flow well for me, narratively. I would try to intercut those scenes as they happen.
  
  I hope this was helpful. There are a lot of cool ideas here, I just think it needs some direction. There is a fine line between ambiguous and confusing. I don't necessarily need all the answers, but the plot, at least, should be direct. read
• 
  CREEPY yet Satisfying
  A review of Ward A
  by LilNoviceScreenwriter on 08/06/2008
  From the opening scenes I was immediately drawn into this world of mystery and 'sketchyness' as the frenzy of flies totally took me by complete surprise. The flying buzzard in the windshield actually made me jump slightly out of my seat as the fuzzy radio contributed to the 'tenseness' of that particular scene. Every scene that involves the 'troubling' children of the Ward... From the opening scenes I was immediately drawn into this world of mystery and 'sketchyness' as the frenzy of flies totally took me by complete surprise.
  The flying buzzard in the windshield actually made me jump slightly out of my seat as the fuzzy radio contributed to the 'tenseness' of that particular scene.
  Every scene that involves the 'troubling' children of the Ward had me gripping my arm rests as they both made me uneasy and anxious for more -I practically awaited and anticipated each upcoming scene with them in it -sort of like if you watch Silence of the Lambs and eagerly await to see Hannibal Lecter.
  I absolutely love the contrasting line that PETER says on page 49, "I think sometimes the more we know, the less we know." (I know it's a specific poetic device but I can't recall the actual name)
  Also, the line on page 65 about 'kicking the dog' is ingenious!
  I am a fan of Ancient Egypt and the mythology that surrounds it; using the mythology of Anubis and life vs. death enhanced the script supurbly!
  On page 99, the line about the devil dressed as your best friend...simply marvelous!
  The ending was incredibly powerful beyond imagination, though I still don't quite understand the significance of the Queen of Hearts card?
  The scenes we're exactly how most screenwriters consider 'right': they entered late and exeunt early.
  
  Now for the errors...
  On page 10, when BLAKE says "I feel peaceful whenever you're around. It doesn't hurt so much." it kind of sounds a tad bit awkward and a bit on-the-nose. I'd replace it with something like, "Whenever you're around...I feel, so peaceful -it doesn't hurt as much." Or something like that.
  On page 39, when you have EXT. WARD A GROUNDS - NIGHT, then momentarily write 'It rains steadily, the sky dark.' The sky would already be dark because you've told us it was NIGHT, right?
  On page 40, when REIGART says "How long did were you knockin' twosies with her?" drop the 'did'.
  Page 45, DR. RAMSEY (O.S.): "Ruth Baxter...about one in one in ten thousand." Are you trying to say 'about one in ten thousand'?
  On page 55, when Hope 'runs to her parked car' and we momentarily are in the BINOCULARS POV and she now walks from the truck?
  On page 90, when HOPE says "What was it was like a parent?" What is she trying to say? read