Reviews of Why We Fight (Post Bin Laden Edition) 14

• 
  Review of Why We Fight
  A review of Why We Fight (Post Bin Laden Edition)
  by grovepointblank on 12/21/2012
  In my opinion comedy is one of the toughest genres to write because you need to generate consistent laughs while creating a story that sinks its teeth into the reader. From the opening pages, I was hooked by your script and found myself lol-ing throughout the read. Credit goes to Jack and Walter--who I assume are named after comedy legends Jack Lemmon and Walter Mathieu? (nice... In my opinion comedy is one of the toughest genres to write because you need to generate consistent laughs while creating a story that sinks its teeth into the reader. From the opening pages, I was hooked by your script and found myself lol-ing throughout the read. Credit goes to Jack and Walter--who I assume are named after comedy legends Jack Lemmon and Walter Mathieu? (nice touch!)--for being energetic protagonists who each carry their own problems. Problems which hit home on a very real level. Maybe we all can't relate to impressing our prostitute-Oliver's mother. But the need to win over a future mother-in-law? That's universal. Walter is a larger than life character with a very relatable problem. One thing I would like to have seen is an early interaction between him and mama. We could see how tall an order it will be for him to appease her, which would make the end even more rewarding.
  
  Jack and Dana's relationship was also enjoyable. Their love is convincing and is well represented through their dialogue and actions. I appreciate that Dana is not an impassive character. Her own agency comes through clearly during her I.C.E. ploy while serving as a strong indicator that this woman loves her husband.
  
  The structure is fundamentally sound and carries the story well. The plot points occur at the appropriate moments and Rock serves as a worthy opponent that forces the heroes to alter their course. My one problem is that when Rock finally comes clean as a porno fan, it feels a bit to easy for the guys. The script definitely builds momentum to make us think that this guy is getting ready to ruin the day for Jack and Walter, and then he surprises us. The surprise is great. But if you can delay just a bit longer, make us worry for the heroes a bit more, that could create more suspense.
  
  The final stars and stripe sequence really did it for me. Some people use montages as cop outs for difficult writing, but I think this montage is the perfect way to wrap the story up. The patriotic music and the quick sequence of shots summarize the tone of the story and fit the genre perfectly. I realize this is an overly positive review, but I don't have many criticisms of this script. One small issue...the title reminds me of one of the most grim episodes of Band of Brothers. The one where the soldiers liberate a concentration camp. Not sure how many people will draw the connection, but it was on my mind as I started reading. However, I quickly forgot about that as I burst out laughing. Nice work! read
• 
  what are you fighting
  A review of Why We Fight (Post Bin Laden Edition)
  by Piermanhill on 06/10/2011
  That is the strangest story I read these past two months, did I like it? It was interesting as the porn industry is rarely a subject a writer chooses as the background story. I’m not sure I understood what the all concept was! Were you depicting the life of two couples or are you pointing a finger at the puritan and hypocrite Americans way of life and took the army to vehicle... That is the strangest story I read these past two months, did I like it? It was interesting as the porn industry is rarely a subject a writer chooses as the background story. I’m not sure I understood what the all concept was! Were you depicting the life of two couples or are you pointing a finger at the puritan and hypocrite Americans way of life and took the army to vehicle your idea? In any case, I read the entire script sometime a bit bored, sometime with a laugh…Then I went back reading your bio, a funny one too…So maybe I shouldn’t make any criticism has it seems you had a great time writing that script and after that it is what counts the most. read
• 
  Not what I expected.
  A review of Why We Fight (Post Bin Laden Edition)
  by TINCA on 06/04/2011
  Very interesting hook at the beginning. Starting with filming a porn then cutting to a little girls birthday party. It hooked me from the beginning. Professionally written. I enjoyed how you linked the two women, from very different worlds, yet wanting the same thing. I was also intrigued with how doing the "thing" between Dana and Jack was linked through out the screenplay... Very interesting hook at the beginning. Starting with filming a porn then cutting to a little girls birthday party. It hooked me from the beginning. Professionally written. I enjoyed how you linked the two women, from very different worlds, yet wanting the same thing. I was also intrigued with how doing the "thing" between Dana and Jack was linked through out the screenplay. I enjoyed the whole screenplay and was hooked from beginning to end. I believed the chemistry between Julianna and walter, but thought at the beginning she was just using him.. I did, however, feel walter should ahve some how met mama and you could have shown some sort of connection there. Over all, I very much enjoyed the story. Good Job! read
• 
  Patriotic Porn.
  A review of Why We Fight (Post Bin Laden Edition)
  by BlackGlass on 06/04/2011
  This isn’t my kind of movie, but it is well written and flows along nicely. I have no interest in the porn world, but with that said, there are solid characters, great dialogue, funny moments and names. The formatting, structure and grammar were spot on. I made some notes as i read: Various Pages) You jump from dialogue to a scene heading. P26) Walter and Isla’s conversation... This isn’t my kind of movie, but it is well written and flows along nicely. I have no interest in the porn world, but with that said, there are solid characters, great dialogue, funny moments and names.
  
  The formatting, structure and grammar were spot on.
  
  I made some notes as i read:
  
  Various Pages) You jump from dialogue to a scene heading.
  
  P26) Walter and Isla’s conversation - very good.
  
  Various Pages) Use hyphens instead of ellipsis to illustrate dialogue being cut off abruptly.
  
  Various Pages) Use ellipsis here:
  
  Jack catches up to him, and whispers...
  
  Walter leans over and whispers...
  
  As they head for the door...
  
  He leans in close and whispers...
  
  Jack kisses her hand, then whispers...
  
  The porn stars disrobe right where they stand, while...
  
  IN THE BALCONY
  
  ... Hardwicke peers over the railing.
  
  Hardwicke grabs Jack and Walter, and in a loud whisper...
  
  P35) General Bretton Wood’s ottoman remark - classic.
  
  P53) A little typo. You end Jack’s dialogue with a comma instead of a period.
  
  P84) If Hardwicke is such a huge fan of Jessica’s, wouldn’t he already have the box-set? Maybe substitute the VIDEO STORE for HARDWICKE’S LIVING QUARTERS, with him riffling through his porn collection. It’s just a thought.
  
  That’s all. Nicely written and funny screenplay. All the best. read
• 
  The very best of Longstick Productions
  A review of Why We Fight (Post Bin Laden Edition)
  by jayelveejr on 05/28/2011
  David, always a pleasure to read your scripts. They are not only spotless, professional looking scripts but your comedic timing is incredible. The banter between Walter and Jack reminded me in parts of great comedy teams of yesteryear. I really thought Jack was Abbott to Walter's Costello except in a warped world of porn and fantasy. For some reason, your style of writing always... David, always a pleasure to read your scripts. They are not only spotless, professional looking scripts but your comedic timing is incredible. The banter between Walter and Jack reminded me in parts of great comedy teams of yesteryear. I really thought Jack was Abbott to Walter's Costello except in a warped world of porn and fantasy. For some reason, your style of writing always reminds me of a Billy Wilderesque type of screenplay. More Wilder/I.A.L. Diamond than perhaps Wilder/Charles Brackett but certainly something in that universe. This story, although updated to today, feels very Wilder-like to me. This is the type of tale that I could see even set in times past and it would still work. I even think back to a film like Strangelove and you could easily set this in the early 60's and even have it be a Cold War type of tale. I can only imagine Wilder tackling this if he were alive today. If you read any of his biographies, his wit and humor was legendary and also included some of the dirtiest jokes you can imagine so perhaps he would have made something like this, who knows?
  
  This is one crazy wild ride. And we get some funny characters and situations. And where else would we find homages to films like the Godfather to Casablanca to Midnight Cowboy's John Barry score and also have a film called Hairy Puta and the Sorcerer's Bone? Why even Jack's daughter is named Ilsa, wondered if you were going to write that she resembles a young six-year old version of Ingrid Bergman. What, no Army Captain named Renault? You also also have some clever little wink wink nudge nudge things like naming the General Bretton Wood, derived perhaps from Bretton Woods? I kept execting to see a scene where General Wood would introduce his son Junior and say something like,"This is my son, Junior. But we call him Bretton Wood II." Clever stuff.
  
  Now for the sake of criticism, I'll give you a few things that just didn't work as well for me. Now, disregarding your wild ending which of course is pure fantasy, I'll just point out a couple items that didn't feel right to me. One was how Dana quickly lets Jack do the porno film with Walter. Throughout the early part of the film, she makes it very well known that she is disgusted by Walter and would not allow Jack, in any way shape or form to make another porno. Why it was almost even a miracle that she let her husband work with him again. Yet, in the scene where Jack tells her that he has something to share, she not only knows that Walter has led him astray again but also that he will do the film. And yet, she accepts it rather quickly. And the explanation is that she feels that since she tried to trick him with Ray that she owes him one. I get that but it still feels like she would put up a bigger fight. I almost feel like there should be another scene or two where he tries to convince her, perhaps that same night, and she finally gives in. Maybe he keeps after her so much that she finally has had enough and tells him that she'll accept but does it very hesitantly. Her giving in is so fast and so unlike her character's actions up to this point that it just didn't ring true for me (even in this zany comedy). But that's a minor point but I thought we needed a bit more conflict there. I even thought you could have it where it takes her a couple days to finally give in. It might even serve up a quick funny montage of him trying to convince her somehow. You say of what? Dunno but you're the talented writer who could come up with something great.
  
  Another thing is that when Walter decides to run the porno for the brass, I wondered why the Colonel and Jack don't suddenly grab Walter or even jump up and try to stop it. Certainly I would think Hardwicke would really try to stop it but, like Dana, they just let it play without putting up a fight. I can only imagine someone like Jack having a heart attack when he sees it. And since it's so obvious that we just know that the films will be mixed up and they will play the porno then the scene didn't have as great an impact on me because it's a tad predictable. It's really the only time in the whole story that I could predict what would happen. Of course, the big twist is that it's not a mix up but done deliberately which is a surprising twist but even with that, it's the one time in the whole story that I kind of thought ... hmmm, no way in hell will this work out well for them. But then everything does. And although I do think this story needs to end on an upbeat note and have things work out, not sure why I thought that last act would be more original than how it plays out. It's just a bit predictable I suppose and I was expecting something more original. Although I did think the closing montage was clever and the bit where Jack finally gets what he wants ... and in the Lincoln bedroom to boot is funny!
  
  Those two things, Dana's reaction about Jack going back to work with Walter again and the showing of the porn film to the brass are really the only things that kind of stood out for me. I thought almost everything else worked. Although not all the gags were funny, your hit to miss comedy ratio was almost two to one. You have a great sense of comic timing like the great writers of yesteryear in that some of your funniest bits would be called throwaway lines or bits that aren't hammered home but used either in subtext or something happening in the background that makes it even funnier. Hard to get that and I think you just have a natural talent for it based on your scripts I've read. You either have it or you don't and you have it ... would you mind sharing some of it with the rest of us jokers?
  
  I also loved the idea of Juliana always getting paid by Walter so that it would be more of a business transaction and they wouldn't have to marry. That was great. I recall one scene where he wants something and she holds out her hand for a Visa or Master Card. Funny.
  
  I do have to admit (really write) that I thought the first sixty or seventy pages are great and the rest kind of doesn't live up to that first half but that's a minor point if I was going to break the film in half. Because I loved the first part better than perhaps the last thirty or so pages, that keeps this for me from maybe being a home run but it's certainly a triple and heading towards home. The early dialogue between the boys was just great. And even if you find this to be too offensive or painted with two broad a stroke, you still have to marvel at your screenwriting talent. I certainly do. Even with the first half being a little bit better than the second half for me, it's still a top notch screenplay.
  
  Overall, a very entertaining and zany comedy with touches of Wilder, perhaps the Marx Brothers and even a bit of Dr. Strangelove mixed in with a sprinkle of The Producers. Walter at times gave me a Zero Mostel kind of vibe and if he were only alive today then I might think this would be a perfect role for him.
  
  If I was a critic my quote would be "This film has a plethora of running gags and funny situations!". And some very funny porn titles to boot.
  
  I have to go now and do some searching on the internet. Need to find me a double bill of two of the very best Longstick Productions: "Avarwhore" and "Titantric". But I don't think I'll be able to watch "The King's Reach Around" because I just saw the King's Speech last week and it would probably be too many Kings for one week. What was that saying ... "Balls!" said the Queen, "If I had them I'd be King!"
  
  Keep up the great work and best of luck. read
• 
  Porntastic
  A review of Why We Fight (Post Bin Laden Edition)
  by wopdom on 05/25/2011
  WHY WE FIGHT is a very clean read by a clearly experienced writer. There was nothing is the script that disrupted from its flow, and it was a breeze to get through. From the onset, the writer’s voice is clear – and the best thing about this screenplay. The dialogue is strong throughout, and I particularly liked a few examples: Page 10 “…with anal.” Page 16 – “…haven’t... WHY WE FIGHT is a very clean read by a clearly experienced writer. There was nothing is the script that disrupted from its flow, and it was a breeze to get through. From the onset, the writer’s voice is clear – and the best thing about this screenplay.
  
  The dialogue is strong throughout, and I particularly liked a few examples:
  
  Page 10 “…with anal.”
  
  Page 16 – “…haven’t fucked a whore since Rebecca.”
  
  Page 30 – “polyps for ottomans”
  
  These examples all come from the first half of the script and, in general, I felt that this was the strongest part of it overall.
  
  On page 18, there is a good visual of the KY and the drawer. This is a good use and has a payoff. Also, on page 20, the MIDNIGHT COWBOY sequence is appreciated because it is funny but also good for Walter’s character development.
  
  Later in the screenplay, on page 45, Jack has a great character moment with Rick and the finger counting. This was an excellent pause. The children are tremendous throughout.
  
  A few moments where I felt slight lulls are on page 59 – when Dana abruptly changes her tune. It felt a little unnatural. Also, the sequence of rounding out the porn gang in Amsterdam felt a bit long. This is not to say that changes need to be made, but I thought I should mention some potential things to look at.
  
  In the end, it wasn’t clear to me exactly how the porn film escaped being destroyed. I know the phone call was used to push it out, but wasn’t it supposed to be disposed of before that?
  
  One very minor thing that troubled me was that they seemed to be tail-slating each shot after Jack yelled cut. How would that work? Were they just doing that to put on a show for Hardwicke? Obviously, the camera would have to be rolling for the mark to actually be marking anything.
  
  There is an awesome premise at play here and some very memorable comedy. The only thing that could really be added is more of it. Once the tone is set, the comedy could be infused even more. It is a delicate balance to not delve into farce, and I wouldn’t suggest that you do, but with a comedic talent like this present – the audience wishes that more high quality jokes would keep on coming.
  
  Thanks for the swift, funny read. read
• 
  Why We Fight
  A review of Why We Fight (Post Bin Laden Edition)
  by Rod Lawless on 05/23/2011
  First off you need to remove a few of comma's here and there. They really aren't that necessary especially before 'and' etc. If that is the only negative thing that I can say about this script then you have done way more than 99% of the rest of us. Although it's fantasy ideal story it's also a great laugh. Okay, not the funniest I have read but then it works as it is. I liked... First off you need to remove a few of comma's here and there. They really aren't that necessary especially before 'and' etc.
  If that is the only negative thing that I can say about this script then you have done way more than 99% of the rest of us.
  Although it's fantasy ideal story it's also a great laugh. Okay, not the funniest I have read but then it works as it is. I liked the characters although I had a better picture of Jack in my head than of Walter. The structure works well and seems to flow at the right rate as I didn't feel lost at all. I did wonder how Mama suddenly would accept Walter but there must be some hidden agenda that we don't see on screen. The humour was the obvious “about turn” type but it works in this setting. I'm not a fan of smut or dirty jokes so was pleased that there wasn't any need for more than double entendre's with the cast's names. I think maybe a little more conflict could be added in some of the scenes. After all, COL. ROCK HARDWICKE fell in with the game a little too easily. You don't become a Colonel without a bit more of a moral standpoint on life. Plus he would know that his career would be in jeopardy if he got caught. All in all a good attempt at a story with a difference. I liked it. read
• 
  Review of Why We Fight
  A review of Why We Fight (Post Bin Laden Edition)
  by Pmitch on 05/16/2011
  Story of Jack and Walter who set out to make a movie for the army and leave their porn careers behind. A relationship develops between Juliana and Walter while Jack tries to raise a family with values. There is an interesting scene when they go to Amsterdam to pick up the porn stars. There is a change in the middle when the guys wonder if it is going to all work out. This... Story of Jack and Walter who set out to make a movie for the army and leave their porn careers behind. A relationship develops between Juliana and Walter while Jack tries to raise a family with values. There is an interesting scene when they go to Amsterdam to pick up the porn stars. There is a change in the middle when the guys wonder if it is going to all work out.
  
  This would be a good story to use with USO for the troops. They would roll over laughing, reminds me of Bob Hope. The ending was funny and well-written.
  
  The dialogue needs to be cleaned up for the screen. Some women would be offended by this script. Right now, it is more suited for an adult film. The characters were well defined and the story engaging. This concept has been done many times in the past. Add more new twists to the script. Maybe, a scene of troops in a parade or a soldier back on leave. read
• 
  Review
  A review of Why We Fight (Post Bin Laden Edition)
  by KenArthur on 05/15/2011
  Started out smashing, but then somewhere along the way, to me, there was flat tire, and then engine trouble and a sort of petering out in a bizarre ending. In fact, to be clear, it ends with anal sex in the Lincoln Bedroom, with the income tax system being eliminated, meeting the Queen of England, insurgents worldwide surrendering, all due to a porn film. ???? I think... Started out smashing, but then somewhere along the way, to me, there was flat tire, and then engine trouble and a sort of petering out in a bizarre ending. In fact, to be clear, it ends with anal sex in the Lincoln Bedroom, with the income tax system being eliminated, meeting the Queen of England, insurgents worldwide surrendering, all due to a porn film. ????
  
  I think you need more funny stuff, so I'll try to point to the specifics that I didn't find all that funny as I go mining through my notes.
  
  Loved Jack's line, "I mean, she's a whore!"
  
  p. 22 I wondered by Jack intentionally got himself fired when he switched the porn tape. I was thinking Jack is married, with 2 small children, living in NYC, with a doorman, and a stay at home wife. To throw away a job to help a man who screwed you out of your life savings? When he knew practically nothing (the budget, nothing really). Seemed odd.
  
  So far. (p. 22) it plays like a drama with a very occassional funny line. But not enough funny to be considered comedy.
  
  You may want to reconsider Walter's huge chunk of dialoguye to Ilsa on p. 26. It's telling us what we've been told several times.
  
  OK, we get to the plot point at p. 27 where Jack agrees to make the Army film with Walter in spite of the serious reservations from his wife and having lost his life savings earlier.
  
  The pages just after the plot point (p. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32) were devoted to the "I.C.E." ploy. Which went nowhere and contributed nothing to the story really. Five pages of a nothingburger. Also not funny.
  
  p. 33 Now she's worried about Walter thinking she's a crazy bitch? Before she detested him, hated him. Cried. Freaked out. Now she's concerned what he thinks? I was wondering about this....
  
  p. 35 The meeting with the Army Chief of Staff. Not funny (to me).
  
  I find it difficult to believe Jack has 50,000 in credit and uses it to finish the movie, waiting to be paid back from the porn. Especially after he's lost everything to Walter previously.
  
  p. 59 How Dana takes the news. It was surprising. They already need more money and she doesn't ask about it? Given her initial hideous reaction, now she's like, "Whatever. I know you have our interests at heart..." Sounds flaky. She doesn't ask any questions? OK.
  
  p. 60 When I read the huge paragraph of dialogue where Walter explains to Juliana everything she needs to do (Ministry of Tourism, American Express, letterhead, Dutch consolate, etc.). This was a lot of information and many pages devoted to showing how the porn stars got to the US and got a place to stay. Too many pages devoted to ultimately inconseqeuential details.
  
  p. 60 and I'm still wondering why this is a comedy. I'm not finding all that much that is funny.
  
  p. 88 Walkter says it's not a mistake that he switched the porn. I may be dense, but I couldn't figure out why. Government contracts are hideous to get out of. They would have had to repay the 50,000. They would have been charged and....
  
  p. 88 Walkter line "this movie is a lot closer to the one you wrote than the one you wrote." Huh? Whaaa?
  
  Why? Why did Walter do this? I'd think he'd give the Army the shitty one that followed their script, and pocketed the porn one to release on his own later and make money from it. How else is he supposed to make money from the porn to repay Jack who is fronting everything on credit cards? I mean it was never explained to my satisfaction, let's put it that way.
  
  Doing the right thing? I don't follow.
  
  p. 92 Dana's reaction: too incredibly mild given her previous scene. She seems to have totally forgotten any bad blood she had for Walter.
  
  p. 93 Dana's line, "He left you to make the case?" And Jack's line afer that. I'm not getting why anyone would be convinced that it's the right thing to do.
  
  p. 93 Now Dana's crying? Whaaa?
  
  p. 95 on----> starting with Walters dialogue. I really disliked everything at the end of this SP. Remember, it ends with anal sex in the Lincoln Bedroom, with the income tax system being eliminated, meeting the Queen of England, insurgents worldwide surrendering, all due to a porn film.
  
  What was the message of this SP exactly? Porn is great, the solution to the world's problems? That by releasing a porn movie, we make the world realize we're not bad guys after all? How does it abolish the income tax and achieve world peace? Ridiculous in the extreme, even for a movie.
  
  Overall, I didn't think it was funny. The end was so over the top, so out of the blue, that it's like ending a novel with, "Suddenly everybody was run over by a truck." Very sorry to be one of those who disliked not only the ending, but the story itself.
  read
• 
  REQUIRED READING
  A review of Why We Fight (Post Bin Laden Edition)
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 05/15/2011
  I’d been looking forward to this script for quite a while; I remember its avatar causing a stir – and the fact that it was highly rated. Being built up like that, it almost inevitably had to be a disappointment. But only in a few ways. In others, it was simply brilliant. First, let’s get the disappointments out of the way: I found the porn titles cheesy and unrealistic; the... I’d been looking forward to this script for quite a while; I remember its avatar causing a stir – and the fact that it was highly rated. Being built up like that, it almost inevitably had to be a disappointment. But only in a few ways. In others, it was simply brilliant.
  
  First, let’s get the disappointments out of the way: I found the porn titles cheesy and unrealistic; the porn-title-parody gag is has been done to death. Also, and this is the most important of my notes, I didn’t laugh as much as I’d have liked to; I feel like you may need to push the envelope a little more and get as Farrely-Brothers-outrageous as possible. But then again, I rarely laugh while reading specs, and comedy doesn’t always jump off the page, even when it’s present in spades on the screen.
  
  Now the amazing things: the character work was wonderful; not only were they all clearly delineated (the bare minimum, as you know), but they actually presented interesting, attractive roles and some truly touching scenes. Hardwicke’s actions strained credibility at times, but you flew close to the sun without melting your wings. And the most amazing thing was the dialogue: the level of subtext you achieved was astounding; this script should be required reading for TriggerStreet’s aspiring scribes – if only for that point; I think a lot of people have a lot to learn from both your scene set-ups and dialogue (myself included).
  
  Finally, some small things: 1) on P. 101, “kids’s” should be “kids’” and 2) I disagreed with the script’s politics – in terms of the War on Terror and, to a lesser extent, pornography/misogyny; but that’s completely subjective and irrelevant. This is a solid script; it’s like a touching version of STRIPES. read