When a man delivers news to a friend, that friends life will change.
HOW IT RATES
Rhonda has hidden the fact that she is a werewolf in order to blend in. But when the Boss, feared crime lord, discovers she exists, he sends his main guy after her to obtain her power.
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Life at the Bottom
Reviews of Wolf-Girl 20
by ajstewart64 on 03/10/2013Congrats on finishing your draft! There's some really good stuff here. The relationship between Rhonda and Grant feels very authentic. Well done! The story could use a little more set up. It feels like we're in the second act when Grant finds out Rhonda is a werewolf. Not sure what the firts scene really gives to the story other than just a cool character introduction... Congrats on finishing your draft! There's some really good stuff here. The relationship between Rhonda and Grant feels very authentic. Well done!
The story could use a little more set up. It feels like we're in the second act when Grant finds out Rhonda is a werewolf. Not sure what the firts scene really gives to the story other than just a cool character introduction. How did she get these powers? Once Grandma reveals that she is one as well, its understood at that point it's genetic, but where's the lead in? It feels too jarring at this point.
The dialogue is a little on the nose in certain parts, especially in the scene where Chuck is introduced and even more so on pg. 64 with Mona.
The tone of this story feels more like a horror movie than a comedy or an action. A lot of the werewolf scenes are described pretty graphically.
Overall it's not a bad script. The concept is fun and it feels like a solid winner with a few more polishes. Great job! read
by mijorico on 07/06/2012This script boasts an attractive premise, as well as a universal theme which the targeted demographic would certainly find relatable. The problem is, like our main character, this draft suffers from a bit of an identity crisis. We are introduced to Rhonda as a brave young girl just beginning to realize who she really is, but who is subsequently ostracized for it. When... This script boasts an attractive premise, as well as a universal theme which the targeted demographic would certainly find relatable. The problem is, like our main character, this draft suffers from a bit of an identity crisis.
We are introduced to Rhonda as a brave young girl just beginning to realize who she really is, but who is subsequently ostracized for it. When we catch up with her 8 years later, she is now a brooding and bitter 16-year-old, so scarred by that earlier rejection that she is now afraid to put herself out there for fear of getting hurt. This is a solid theme to build the framework of the story around, and infinitely relatable to teenagers trying to come into their own and accept themselves for who and what they are. But as the story progresses, it also drifts away from that theme. The plot becomes so convoluted with peripheral, and often cartoonish, characters that Rhonda’s true internal struggle gets lost in the shuffle. It becomes more about her attempt to rescue her grandmother than her journey of self discovery.
This story contains all the right elements. In this reader’s opinion, it simply takes a turn down the wrong road. Much too much time is devoted to the criminal subplot, with little to no attention remaining on Rhonda’s struggle for acceptance from her peers. In the beginning, she puts herself and her secret out there and is rejected because of it. In the end, she is accepted and celebrated for being different. Yet, in the middle, the high school interactions are largely non-existent. I believe this story would benefit from being more grounded in the world of high school than the criminal world. Think of similar stories, such as Buffy the Vampire Slayer (the movie) and Teen Wolf.
The gangsters in this story are motivated more by plot than by any sense of logic – we never really learn why they’re doing what they’re doing, aside from the fact that they want to be more powerful . It has to be something more concrete than that. There has to be a more tangible goal. As it’s written, the goal is to simply obtain this power from Rhonda and her grandmother. We need to know more about the why.
As the story drifts into the criminal world and Rhonda’s pursuit of grandma, it also suffers from one convenience after another. After they find Lenny’s dead body in grandma’s pantry, Grant convinces Rhonda not to go to the police (without a convincing argument). Instead, he brings her to the lair of his comic book store-owning cousin, who also just so happens to be an expert in Kung Fu and some sort of scientific genius. Here, Rhonda learns how to fight over the course of one day (why a wolf needs to learn Kung Fu is beyond me) and transforms herself into a superhero in order to find her granny (which also doesn’t make much sense). For a period in the script, it seems as if we are alternating between one interrogation scene after another, with both the bad guys questioning grandma and Rhonda questioning the bad guys. How she can be so certain any of these random thugs have any ties to whoever took her grandmother is never explained.
I would suggest that the writer delay grandma’s disappearance until closer to the end of the story. That way, we get to see more interaction between grandma (the seasoned and wise elder wolf) and Rhonda (the teenager struggling to accept herself) and we also eliminate a lot of the extraneous underworld excursions, which don’t help to service the story or express the theme. I also would have liked to have seen Caroline, the friend Rhonda saves in the beginning, as a teenager. It seems like a missed opportunity that she’s just forgotten about while these other girls have become the bullying cheerleaders. I could see her trying to be Rhonda’s friend and Rhonda rejecting her, much like she does Grant.
This reader may be making assumptions of the intended audience – and if I’m wrong about that, I apologize. The age of the main characters, as well as the absence of objectionable language (not to mention the werewolf premise) are what lead me to believe that teenagers are the target demographic. However, the sometimes graphic violence (gunshots to the head, blood pooling under doors, throats being ripped out, etc.) pushes this into more R-rated territory. I think you have to choose one or the other. Either it’s a PG-13 story where the violence isn’t quite so graphic, or it’s an R-rated story where you have to push everything a bit further to justify it. Since I’ve cited Buffy and Teen Wolf, my opinion is that you tread more toward the PG-13.
Another area where the script could be improved is punctuation, or sometimes the lack thereof. It’s a fairly easy fix, but that sort of thing can strike readers as careless. Particularly watch out for missing commas within dialogue (too many to count) and periods where there should be question marks.
But that can all be taken care of in editing. Right now, I’d recommend concentrating on sticking to your theme throughout and mining the hierarchy of high school for more of your story. I do believe you have something here. Sometimes it’s just a matter of getting to the heart of it all. Good luck with it!
*If you would like, I made notes to your script on my PDF as I read along, which I’d be happy to send to you upon request. read
by DebraSwan on 06/30/2012You have the mechanics of writing a screenplay down - there's lots of white space and for the most part, concise description. Formatting is also well done. Your story, however, left me with lots of questions. This piece has potential, but has many plot holes you will need to address to bring it to the next level. I thought the best way to help you do that was to simple write... You have the mechanics of writing a screenplay down - there's lots of white space and for the most part, concise description. Formatting is also well done.
Your story, however, left me with lots of questions. This piece has potential, but has many plot holes you will need to address to bring it to the next level. I thought the best way to help you do that was to simple write my questions for you as I read. That way, you will see your story from a more objective perspective.
Please keep in mind, the questions are meant to help you, they're not a criticism of your story. I think you have a great premise and a good start to things.
Beginning – the girls turning on their friend, despite her saving Caroline seemed odd to me. I could see them running from her in fright, or staying out of curiosity to ask questions, but bullying her seemed a bit unrealistic.
Why didn’t they tell their parents?
Pg. 8 Superhero figures save the bedroom from world domination. – love that image!
Pg. 8 Grant grabs the phone dials .. this sounds like he’s grabbing phone dials – break up the action to make it clearer … Grant grabs the phone and dials… or … Grant grabs the phone. Dials.
Pg. 12 Boss leaves the bar, but then he speaks. I think I know what your trying to portray, but it would read better if you have him pull out a map, picks up the money, - say the line, then leave the bar.
Pg. 14 I’m wondering why Lenny would want to rob a house that he knows is occupied, rather than targeting one that is empty?
Okay, I’ve just gone back to review what genre you’ve got this under and realize you’re going for action/comedy. I’m only 20 pages in, but my recommendation at this point is to ramp up the comedy. So far, it’s very subtle.
Pg. 19 The slug is Irish Bar – Night, but here you have Vinny leading them out of a ‘hide out’. You should change the slug or the action, but they need to be consistent.
Pg. 22 Rhonda seems a contradiction at this point – which is fine if that’s what you’re going for. She has been trying to stay under the radar, yet calls her teacher an asshole, drawing attention to herself.
Pg. 23 A board replaces the pane of glass, yet a hand breaks through a fresh pane. Again, description is inconsistent. Does it smash through a different pane? That’s what you need to tell the reader.
Pg. 24 – There’s no blood trail?
Pg. 31 Chuck doesn’t seem to surprised about grandma being kidnapped. Shouldn’t he be more alarmed?
Pg. 35 Chuck has a missing pinky? Why is this important, and why now?
How does Chuck know that the ‘people who took your grandmother are dangerous’? There’s a disconnect here.
Pg. 43 Why does Rhonda need to know Kung Fu when she is superhero strong already?
Pg. 50 Why aren’t Billy and Johnny afraid of Rhonda? She just turned into a wolf in front of their eyes. I think you could add more humour if the reactions were over the top real, rather than unbelievable.
Pg. 51 Now they’re scared – and surprised by her transformation, even though they’ve seen it before.
Pg. 56 Rhonda speaks to Chuck and Grant runs after her at the end of the scene, but we don’t know they’re in the scene until that point. This sort of thing makes for a confusing read at times.
Pg. 60 This isn’t making any sense – Grant all of a sudden wants to go to the dance, thinking it will calm Rhonda down from frantically looking for grandma? He’s the one that convinced her to become a super hero. You mention, almost in passing, that Rhonda has been terrorizing the neighbourhood – but we don’t see any of that. It makes it hard to ‘connect the dots’ in your story.
Pg. 61 There’s three successful wolf-thugs? I thought there was only one. When you write ‘the three successful wolf-thugs..’ it infers that the reader should know or remember something from before. If you want the reader to know at this point, you need to write it slightly different – ‘three wolf-thugs step out of the dark’ or something like that.
Pg. 64 Wolf-girl is not the only one that can challenge his power – there’s grandma and the wolf-thugs. Does Vinny not get this?
Pg. 64 Chuck transformed three people into super heroes by dressing them in an outfit, yet he had to teach wolf-girl kung-fu?
Pg. 67 Now Rhonda has lost her super powers? How?
Pg. 71 If Bruce is such a good guy, hard worker – why is he picking on Grant? Doesn’t add up.
Pg. 72 How did they catch grandma? Where did they find her? Last we saw her, she had escaped out the window. This is an opportunity to add some action – show us how they caught her again.
Pg. 78 Chuck’s indifference surprises me. He has 3 superheroes and his cousin is in trouble with wolf-thugs. Hasn’t he been waiting for an opportunity like this?
Pg. 80 Why aren’t they in more of a hurry to get to the dance and save Grant? Why did Rhonda go there instead of the dance?
Pg. 80 Why aren’t the kids more alarmed by all of this?
Pg. 82 Why doesn’t Rhonda change into Wolf-girl before she attacks Vinny instead of after?
Pg. 86 Brittany should be scared out of her wits. You may be trying to go for some humour here, but it just isn’t working and it doesn’t have the urgency that would make Rhonda appear and try to save her.
Pg. 87 You already told us there are only 2 entrances, you don’t have to tell us again here.
Pg. 87 This is the second time we’ve seen these three in the suits, so they’ve had them for longer than an hour – Maxine’s line doesn’t make sense.
Pg. 91 Why doesn’t Rhonda just shoot Vinny instead of telling him to stop?
Pg 94 Vinny buckles to the floor, but he’s outside now.
Pg. 95 Rhonda drops to the floor, yet they’re fighting outside – again, inconsistent.
Pg. 99 Okay, I was hoping for a big reveal on how Chuck became a wolf-man. I have to guess that Rhonda bled into him?
Ending – would work better for me if Grant and Rhonda blow off the prom instead of getting pulled into the clique mentality.
I think if you can fill in some of these plot holes, your piece would become top notch!
Dialogue was very on the nose in many places, and there were some spelling errors. You've a good start on the characters. Filling in some of the holes mentioned above will gives you an opportunity to further define them.
by araspovic on 06/28/2012I remember Teen-Wolf in the 80's with Michael J. Fox. Page 27 Rhonda couldn't get Lenny's body off her but earlier in the screenplay she couldn't be pushed by an athlete. I thought her strength was constant. This is only a minor hole. Maybe you shouldn't worry about it. Page 33 middle you write Vinny roles his eyes when I think you meant rolls. Page 49 middle. RHONDA's line... I remember Teen-Wolf in the 80's with Michael J. Fox. Page 27 Rhonda couldn't get Lenny's body off her but earlier in the screenplay she couldn't be pushed by an athlete. I thought her strength was constant. This is only a minor hole. Maybe you shouldn't worry about it. Page 33 middle you write Vinny roles his eyes when I think you meant rolls. Page 49 middle. RHONDA's line Who do you work for. deserves a question mark not a period. Page 63 middle. Grandma jumps off the table twice. Page 64 near top. MAXINE's line reads your when it should be you're. I noticed that Rhonda came into the gym with a gun with silver bullets. She could have used that on Vinny in the beginning or Vinny could have used his gun on Rhonda. Maybe you should leave it as is because fight scenes have more drama. Page 98 middle. You write GRANT's character line twice when I think you meant to write RHONDA.
Overall I liked the screenplay. You did things differently than a typical wolf screenplay. Maybe you should show not tell during some scenes and if that reduces the screenplay to less than 90 pages you could always describe the fight scenes in more detail. read
by Rfordyce on 06/26/2012Here be werewolves with laughs – a tricky combination, but there’s a lot of good comedy in here, and if you could enlist a few good actors to ham it up for all they’re worth in the lead roles, it would play even better on screen. I like your talent for drawing comedy out of clichéd scenarios. I’m assuming this is aimed mainly at the teen market – possibly even the younger... Here be werewolves with laughs – a tricky combination, but there’s a lot of good comedy in here, and if you could enlist a few good actors to ham it up for all they’re worth in the lead roles, it would play even better on screen. I like your talent for drawing comedy out of clichéd scenarios.
I’m assuming this is aimed mainly at the teen market – possibly even the younger end of that spectrum. I can’t imagine there would be many over-30 backsides parked on cinema seats to watch it. Which is no reflection on the script – it’s just that you need to be very aware of what your target audience is. With a different style of comedy, there’s no reason why it couldn’t be directed towards a larger audience. But to do that your main characters would have to be older and the comedy rather more subtle. Anyway, these are just my ramblings; on to the task in hand.
Your lead roles – Rhonda, Grant and Vinny – are all capably drawn and easy to assimilate, if a little stereotypical. Indeed many of the characters are parodies of similar ones we’ve seen many times before – the dim-witted thugs, the abrasive teen prima donnas, the high-school arrogant hunk, etc. But you use these stereotypes to play up the comedy aspect, so you can get away with that for the most part. It’s true that the devil gets all the best tunes, and as the arch-evil antagonist, Vinny is the most memorable.
Your dialogue is pretty sharp and consistent with the characters. Your efforts at depicting the Boss’s heavy mobster-talk (Bronx?) are maybe a little overdone. You could tone that down considerably because it almost pulls the reader out of the script as it’s written at the moment.
In terms of structure it feels about right – no major issues there. Although I’d suggest that introducing the characters of Carl, Maxine and Mona two-thirds into the story is maybe a fraction too late.
However there are a few challenges I think you need to deal with in the script, the main ones being wobbles in tone, and dodgy plotting.
Wobbles in tone: as I’ve mentioned, I think this is aimed at a very youthful audience, and you need to be mindful of that when it comes to violence and gore. There are a number of scenes where the violence definitely doesn’t fit well with the tone you’re trying to espouse, e.g.
- Boss shoots Lenny in the leg.
- Vinny stabs Lenny through the heart.
- Boss blows Wendell’s brains out.
I’m not saying that these events can’t happen; but they have to be in synch with your story style. For example, the killing of Lenny just seems random. There’s no particular reason why Vinny needs to be rid of him. But more importantly, you’ve spent the first twenty pages in light-hearted comedy mode, nicely setting up your story and main characters in a high school setting with some comic-book gangsters as villains. Then we see a knife being plunged into someone’s heart. Suddenly you’ve barged into Goodfellas / The Departed territory - a long way from Rhonda and Grant.
A different approach... they hear Grandma coming into the house; both go into utter panic, flap around like headless chickens trying to find somewhere to hide, Vinny grabs a knife, Lenny goes head over heels on the water bottle and impales himself on the knife... that’s a totally different matter. Same outcome, different road travelled.
Dodgy plotting: on page 28 this goes completely off the rails. Rhonda and Grant wander into a comic book store to visit some cousin (or is it a schoolfriend? – it only becomes clear later) of Grant’s that he hasn’t seen for about ten years, and ask him to ‘help’. Firstly, if he’s a cousin, why hasn’t Grant looked him up before? Secondly, in what way can he ‘help’? There’s been no clue that Grant knows anything about Chuck’s secret laboratory. It seems to come as a surprise to Grant as much as anybody else. Thirdly, OK I know we expect a little more latitude on story elements when we’re in werewolf / vampire / mummy mode or whatever, but how many comic-book store owners have a fully functioning secret laboratory neatly built into their basement?
Later on in the script:
(a) Rhonda becomes a Kung Fu champion in the space of a few hours.
(b) A police radio suddenly appears out of nowhere and announces a burglary. Whereupon Rhonda whizzes over to the crime scene (Why? There’s no obvious link to her Grandma’s disappearance) and discovers – hey presto - Johnny and Billy in the middle of a burglary.
(c) Vinny turns out to have a secret hideout of his own, complete with surgical tables and medical equipment, where he maintains a small army of exceptionally pea-brained thugs who offer themselves one by one for ritual slaughter.
(d) Rhonda is beaten, bloody and left for dead. So how come she survives?
There are others, but these are the most obvious things which pulled me out of the story. With a bit of readjusting, these blips could I’m sure be massaged into a much more fluid storyline. But as it stands at the moment, there are too many unlikely happenings and coincidences for the reader to take it seriously – or comically, in the case of comedy. You know what I mean, even if no-one else does.
A few other reading notes I made along the way:
2 Wendell sniggers. His reaction to being confronted by a juvenile werewolf would surely be more than a snigger!
7 Rhonda watches in amazement. Why would she be amazed? She knows her Grandma pretty well.
20 ... failed musician... unfilmable. You flirt with unfilmables quite a bit but get away with it most of the time. Yellow card on this one!
24 She sees shattered glass of window pane, investigates. About 36 hours after Lenny was thrown through the window, by my reckoning; and this is the first time Grandma notices? And anyway he was thrown from the living room, not the kitchen.
26 Blood drips from the kitchen pantry. ‘Drips’ implies falling from a height. ‘Oozes’ or ‘trickles’ would be better.
28 Could have made millions in the .com craze, instead chose the things he loves. Another rather dodgy unfilmable.
32 An empty bottle of truth serum and a syringe lay next to it. This doesn’t work. You either need to have a visual label ‘TRUTH SERUM’ on the bottle (comedically farcical but you might get away with it in this sort of script) or the fact that it’s truth serum simply becomes obvious as the scene develops (probably funnier).
An empty bottle labelled TRUTH SERUM and a syringe lay next to it.
An empty bottle and a syringe lay next to it.
Good comedy scene as Grandma gets drunk and explains to Vinny how to be a werewolf.
You actually did it?
Chuck nods his head, beams a proud smile.
The settlement from the accident.
Chuck poses his missing pinky.
Did what? What accident? It sounds like there’s some sort of backstory here but you’ve lost it along the way.
35 This argument between Chuck and Rhonda seems a bit contrived. For one thing, she has no idea what Chuck’s plan is – she just decides she’s not going to ‘take orders’ from him. Seems rather pointless. And then she backs down just as quickly. In general, the continual bickering between Chuck and Rhonda seems forced – there’s no real reason for it other than to provide ‘conflict’. I think you need to find a more concrete cause, to make the conflict realistic. Here’s a thought – maybe Chuck comes on to her in their first meeting, and she doesn’t like it because Grant is her true soulmate? So then they spend a large part of the story sparring because of it?
Chester, get out here!
Chester slides to the Boss’s feet, unconscious.
The first time we meet him, and he’s dead? This scene needs a little more planning.
72 Fine thanks. How are you? More effective if he said something like, ‘Fine, Officer Wilson. How’s Paula?’ But a funny scene nevertheless.
Punctuation, grammar and other boring stuff. You seem to have an aversion to question marks!
1 A seedy man, WENDELL, whose eye twitches and leg shakes...
6 Why you such a geek?
8 Grant grabs the phone and dials.
9 RHONDA So?
11 ‘Scuse me?
12 Are you sure you don’t want to come?
13 Who cares? You can’t offend a fictional character.
20 Can you please just let it go?
22 Don’t look like no one’s home.
25 You think so?
27 Grant freezes at the sight...
17 ...Lenny staring into her face.
27 Get him off me.
31 ...has a huge steel lock on the door.
31 ... snacks on Belgian chocolates...
33 Vinny rolls his eyes...
37 Wendell sits in a chair in front of the Boss. The passage of ten years has taken a serious toll.
42 Why? I’ll be down here...
44 I don’t need your permission.
49 Questioning, not threatening.
49 Who do you work for?
50 Talk, you half wits!
56 Rhonda wolfs out right in front...
59 Why don’t you start again tomorrow?
64 Dude, you’re one hell of a designer.
64 You sure you aren’t on something?
66 Rhonda, intent on Hoodlum 1, misses the fact...
70 ... the only ones who have any brains.
70 And your little girlfriend ain’t here...
76 What do we have here?
77 She regroups, picks up the gun...
80 ... the baddest of bad...
84 Where’s the birdie suit?
91 Aren’t you late with a protection payment?
93 Vinny writhes on the ground, stares up at Rhonda.
94 ... and bears down a blow...
94 How about me, you evil son of a bitch?
96 Where did you learn to fight like that?
97 What we gonna do with these fleabitten freaks?
98 What’s up for this weekend?
98 Did you call Chuck?
98 Grant stops. Gives Rhonda a look.
That’s all from me, Randy. Thanks for the read – I hope this has been useful. read
by D J Sheridan on 06/24/2012INTRO: One thing I’ve learned on TSL is to go out of your comfort zone when reviewing as it lends to some interesting reads. PLOT/STORY: This is not unlike Teen Wolf to a certain aspect, but that said you have a great twist on things – making it a girl as opposed to a boy. The only other film that did this was Ginger Snaps, but from a horror view-point. Areas of concern…... INTRO:
One thing I’ve learned on TSL is to go out of your comfort zone when reviewing as it lends to some interesting reads.
This is not unlike Teen Wolf to a certain aspect, but that said you have a great twist on things – making it a girl as opposed to a boy. The only other film that did this was Ginger Snaps, but from a horror view-point.
Areas of concern…
One major point I have qualms about is the fact that, although you have Rhonda’s friends from the beginning snub her for being a ‘freak’, but years later this is not actually news of the day – every day!?!
This would be out there so much in today’s society that she’d be constantly on the run from town to town…
Even so you have the now group of Cheerleaders still calling her a freak at school and usually these girls would be the centre of attention and all would believe them – so Rhonda would not have a leg to stand on.
Why did Grandma shot her daughter? This is not really clear (we assume she was a wolf-girl too but did not control it). This needs a back story. Perhaps tie it into the family having to leave town after Rhonda’s first changing when she was 7?
Another thing is the climax. Rhonda has been on a journey through this only to be robbed of the final glory. These types of film always give us some powerless person who wins out in the end against all odds… but this does not really come to much here.
Another point I’d make is also that 6 to 7 year-olds would not really talk as you have them. The fact that Rhonda turns into a werewolf would either freak them out, not make them call her a freak, or they’d be totally interested in wanting to know more about her!
Now CAROLINE being 5 perhaps lends a sort of ‘curiosity’ that she might not be frightened…
Also as this is listed under children/family I’m not too sure some of the descriptions of blood, etc. would be okay for children…
This could be re-written one of two ways.
1st you could keep the family orientated version and work on it in that way, or 2nd you could lose it and make it more action and horror.
Bear in mind the Teen Wolf aspect – no blood was spilt and no violence to speak of.
This could be so more with a little bit of tweaking here and there… and very much could be potential for a new Buffy type of series.
How about having the Grandma be more comforting and allowing Rhonda to be free to do what she wants? She’s definitely had to become grown-up quicker than others her age so don’t supress it.
Also you could have Rhonda already a member of Chuck’s gang of crime fighters, but the knowledge of her wolf-ness could be hidden until required (on the Grandma’s kidnap). Have Rhonda learn to suppress her powers and use her agilities to be a whizz with Karate, Kung Fu, etc. – but the wolf in her gives her the edge when required. Use this hidden talent of hers to cause myth and legends in the town, etc.
Another idea for an ending would be to have Rhonda fight with Vinny without transforming into Wolf-girl. That way it is clear she is trying to adjust to being her plain old self and not having to rely on werewolf abilities…
For a starting point I feel that you could have the young Rhonda become an outcast – to move away from the area, and then come back as a new girl in high school with an assumed name. This would lend something of mystery to things… Have Grant be a friend also, but when she goes and then returns he is the only one who knows it is her.
This is where you reap the rewards for your style. I feel you have excellent visions and it shows. Some areas are great. A fave of mine is the part where Rhonda produces a claw, opens the tin, sticks her tongue out at the can opener.
Areas of concern…
Although you do have a good writing style, some pieces could be removed as you tend to repeat stuff… example is on
You have ‘She is Wolf-Girl’ – and this is repeated throughout whenever she transforms. I think we got the jist of who she is…
Not sure how quick tranquilizers work, but pretty much sure it would not be that quick. I’d wager VINNY would be shreds way before GRANDMA succumbs to the narcotic effects. How about using shock-sticks instead to subdue her initially… or even tazers?
Also I’d lose the pink and black costume as it does not really fit Rhonda’s character in my honest opinion – too much like X-Men…
You have young Rhonda lose a tear as she walks off, then SUPER up to the next Scene in the school cafeteria.
For a good transition here you could instead try the following:
…as her wolf-like features subsides as a tear escapes her left eye… as the eye ages…
INT. HIGH SCHOOL CAFETERIA – DAY
Establishing Rhonda (now 16)
SUPER: “8 Years Later…”
The Cafeteria bustles with…
I feel this moulds Rhonda’s ageing to indicate the time-passage.
The ‘peed myself’ gag really needs to end after the first one…
Develope s/b ‘develop’
Lose the Pirates of the Caribbean simile as it doesn’t work
RHONDA is a quirky one. But that said she is a little wooden and 2 dimensional. She does not really have any arc to speak of. Sure she is a werewolf, her Grandma is kidnapped and she has to rescue her.
You have so much potential to work with here yet I feel you hold back trying to keep within the realms of children/family genre.
But that is it. Even her fighting lesson from Chuck does nothing to bring her more real as she only has one lesson! Come on! This needs work here.
See The Karate Kid for assistance with learning fighting, etc.(you have a salute to Mr Miyagi during her one lesson…).
GRANT is obviously Rhonda’s friend of the moment – the side-kick she needs. But he is not really that interesting and it is no wonder that even in your story all others (sans Rhonda) think he’s a dweeb. As an idea you could have him really adept in many things and it is just merely a persona of a dweeb he dons when in school… then on the climax bit have him the hero that Gloria et al could swoon over and dump the jocks…?
CHUCK is the ‘James Bond Q’ or ‘Blade Whistler’ type of character, but again there is so much potential here that you just fill us with him as is!
A better approach would be to intro him earlier. Have Grant enter his store without Rhonda before all kicks off. Show the friendship between the two and use this as an arc for Grant.
VINNY is an okay type of protag to the restrictions you have for him trapped in a family-type world but even on that restriction he doesn’t do much except cause a few problems for his Boss by kidnapping Grandma and extracting her blood to juice up his goons.
Areas of concern…
I’m having a real problem with THE BOSS. His ‘Godfather’ type speak was off-putting and not real in the now. I know what you’re trying to convey; that he’s the kingpin of crime in the area… but as you have it it is too much effort for little effect.
His “power” cause just doesn’t make the mustard as it is so clichéd that I could laugh at it instead of think “Wow!”.
But that said you just throw him away half way through the story…
Also the whole idea of Chuck’s gang. Not sure it is clear as you have it – no onset and no pay-off to mention with greatness. That said it lays the foundations for something better here.
This did feel at times a little strange and wooden driven from 2 dimensional characters. Again with the restriction you did well though.
Areas of concern…
Sometimes you tend to use extra dialogue where it’s not really necessary… example is on
Wasn’t the movie
This is not needed and is too clichéd in my opinion.
Affect sb ‘effect’
You’re – s/b ‘Your’.
Also to inform you that any conversation heard over a telephone or TV, etc. is (V.O.) and not (O.S.)
MISCELLANEOUS FORMATS, ETC:
These all appeared okay and uniform across the entirety of your script.
Formats (shots, etc.)…
Not much of a problem but try tidying up your page thus:
Put your Title in all capitals and Quotes, then a blank line, then your “by” line, then another blank line then your name.
Your contact info should be a little lower, the last line about an inch from the bottom of the page…
FADE IN should be left aligned
This was a good read but as mentioned earlier there is potential here for a great script to come into fruition. read
by victortiti89 on 06/24/2012First of all,congratulations for your title.It’s really awesome! Your story is the same.I don’t usually comment on stories, but I just wanted to say you’ve got talent and this story is a bit creepy.Where you inspired by the classical stories?(like the Little Red Riding Hood or such).About the script:The length is perfect, the formatting is fine. Just a note: A movie script... First of all,congratulations for your title.It’s really awesome! Your story is the same.I don’t usually comment on stories, but I just wanted to say you’ve got talent and this story is a bit creepy.Where you inspired by the classical stories?(like the Little Red Riding Hood or such).About the script:The length is perfect, the formatting is fine. Just a note: A movie script ends with FADE OUT,or FADE TO BLACK. You used THE END.Then,it feels a bit dialogue-heavy.On page 77 you wrote:’ She takes a few quick turns at the mirror, drawing the gun at
the mirror’. This repetition isn’t necessary in my opinion.Check the script for other such instances.Page 43, you used the word ass.Try refraining for using such words unless they’re absolutely necessary for your story(eg:they define a character’s way of speaking or create a certain atmosphere).Otherwise, it’s a very well-done movie script!I’d like to see the movie… read
by landonmichaels on 06/24/2012First off, congrats on writing a screenplay. It is an accomplishment to be proud of! You’re screenplay was an enjoyable read. You’re writing style was fluid and easy to follow. The aesthetics of your writing style (usually overlooked) was also good…made it easy to keep reading and wanting to read more. Overall this is a good story. Reminded me of the Michael J. Fox... First off, congrats on writing a screenplay. It is an accomplishment to be proud of! You’re screenplay was an enjoyable read. You’re writing style was fluid and easy to follow. The aesthetics of your writing style (usually overlooked) was also good…made it easy to keep reading and wanting to read more. Overall this is a good story. Reminded me of the Michael J. Fox Teenwolf mixed with a few added comic book nerds.
The way I review is I will make two lists: Pros and Cons.
Before I do so, I just want to say that these are just some thoughts that I had that I want to share to hopefully help you in the writing process. I’m not a professional and you should take my comments for what you will.
- Category: You say it’s a children’s/family comedy. If this is the category you want then I would do away with the gruesome scenes. For example, in the beginning when she tears the skin of the molester and the blood drips from her claw. Also, the killing, and especially the stabbing of Lenny. This is not very “family movie” like. Furthermore, the fact that she and grant are young teens and they are using a handgun at the end to save the day, this gives a bad image for kids. But if you want more of an action film, this is good stuff!
- Beginning: the intro of the female characters seems a bit rushed. Maybe spread it out a bit. Maybe adding some more action (movement, not shooting or fighting action) in between the introductions will help this.
- Minor Typos
- Couple small things: the breaking glass should scare Rhonda and Grant more. Watch out for some cliché lines. Try to add more emotion in action scenes, which can be done either with character movement or dialogue.
- Your Writing: it was witty, fluid, easy to read, entertaining, and enjoyable.
- “Superhero figures save the bedroom from world domination” - laughed out loud at this! Love your little witty lines!
- As mentioned above, the aesthetics made the reading easy and enjoyable.
- formatting seemed on par with industry standard, although I didn’t pay attention to it that much.
- The dialogue seemed pretty good and the characters were unique. You can even add more to this!
Overall, good screenplay. Has potential to be better and hope you continue to improve it.
If you have any questions or anything at all feel free to contact me!
by gurrilla on 06/23/2012Wolf-Girl is a decent script. I liked the concept, story, and the structure. They all worked well. I like werewolf stories. I actually wrote one that's on here myself. The first thing that I noticed was off was that it was listen under the children/family genre. It didn't really seem like something I would show to a younger kid. Descriptions of blood dripping, mobsters, etc... Wolf-Girl is a decent script. I liked the concept, story, and the structure. They all worked well. I like werewolf stories. I actually wrote one that's on here myself.
The first thing that I noticed was off was that it was listen under the children/family genre. It didn't really seem like something I would show to a younger kid. Descriptions of blood dripping, mobsters, etc. didn't really fit the genre. But that's just a small fix.
The big downfall to me were the characters. I just felt that the characters weren't interesting. They weren't funny to me, I didn't care about them. I just think that it would've been cool if they were wittier or the mobsters were more threatening. Stuff like that makes for compelling characters.
Good work with this script. Good luck read
by Ailbe on 06/21/2012It's so nice to read a screenplay which is properly formatted, and written in accordance with industry standards. Wolf Girl is well-structured, has a great main character, a good story arc -- and it's commercial, with franchise potential. It reminds me of Kick Ass, though it's not nearly as dark or kitschy; but it has the same kind of quirky appeal. I also like the fact... It's so nice to read a screenplay which is properly formatted, and written in accordance with industry standards. Wolf Girl is well-structured, has a great main character, a good story arc -- and it's commercial, with franchise potential. It reminds me of Kick Ass, though it's not nearly as dark or kitschy; but it has the same kind of quirky appeal. I also like the fact that there are some twists to the traditional werewolf story -- the way a human is turned into a werewolf, not just by a bite but by an injection of blood. We don't have to wait for a full moon for the wolf to appear; and I also like the way Rhonda can just sprout ears and some hair and fangs, without going the "whole wolf." Her little romance with Grant is sweet -- and he's a great character. As is Grandma.
I think the first half has a great pace, though it falls off for me somewhere around the middle. It starts to feel as if we're going back and forth to the same locations -- Rhonda's house and Chuck's lab, the villain's den/lab, and the Boss's place. I'd like to see more action in different locations.
Also, we never find out what happened to the Boss, or to his two underlings -- Billy and Johnny. And I didn't think the three additional comic book superhero characters worked, perhaps because we didn't meet them earlier -- we never got to know them at all. So it feels like they jumped out of the woodwork, without any character development. And I don't think we need them.
I also felt having Rhonda go back to Chuck's before rushing to Grant's aid at the dance -- that didn't work for me. Grant's on the phone telling her to hurry, and she stops by Chuck's? I think she should call him for help instead -- otherwise, the story loses its pulse there.
Story-wise, I think we should see the Thugs out terrorizing the community a bit more. And Grandma reveals that she shot her daughter, but we never learn why. That seems like a big hole in the story -- Rhonda's story, and the story of her relationship with her Grandmother.
Character wise, I think Chuck should be developed more.
Otherwise, I just have a few small notes -- below.
Wolf Girl - Notes
p. 32. Typo. "The tranquilizer has that affect." Should be "effect."
p. 44 - Typo. "You're permission…" Should be "your."
Would like to have met Carl, Maxine and Mona earlier. Could they be geeks hanging around the lab?
Also, we need more venues. Overuse the ones we have.
Would it be better if Rhonda has more than one fighting lesson from Chuck? Maybe at school, after the encounter with Bruce in the school hallway, Rhonda reveals that she doesn't know how to fight. Sure, she's strong, but she's been "inactive" all these years in order to stay below the radar. Then Grant takes her to meet Chuck, and he gives her a lesson. Then maybe while Grandma's being snatched, she's having another lesson -- and it's clear from her fighting skills that she's had lessons in-between.
I'm not sure we need a "schematic" for the high school gym.
p. 96 - Punctuation. There are a few places in the script where questions are punctuated with periods, instead of question marks. At the top of the page, Grandma asks "where did you learn to fight like that."
Also, there are quite a few places where I think there should be an exclamation point in dialogue, instead of a period. Especially where there's a command. See p. 50, where Rhonda's interrogating Billy and Johnny. She's worked up in the scene, so she should shout at them: "Talk!" or "Speak!" Without an exclamation mark, her commands seem too controlled for her demeanor in this scene. read
- Writer: Randy Carels
- Uploaded by: randyc
- Length: 99 pages
- Genre: action, comedy
- First draft, hoping to get some help for the rewrite!
- Bio: I am a trained singer/actor. Recently I have jumped into the screen-writing pool. I have also produced, directed and written four shorts. Screen writing is a complex and ever changing beast that I hope to someday conquer - or at least tame.
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