A glimpse into the wrestling scene of the 1980's, where reality and fiction are often blurred.
HOW IT RATES
A struggling artists' infatuation with a prostitute triggers a happily married man to explore the dark side of sex.
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Reviews of You Were the First One 24
by jayelveejr on 07/13/2012This is an adult, sexually tense drama with two interesting characters in the leads. Despite some bumps along the way, I liked this very much. I read this a couple days ago and only now am writing this review so excuse me if I skip around with random thoughts. I think there are two strong leads here in Claude and Peter. I found both their odysseys to be interesting, certainly... This is an adult, sexually tense drama with two interesting characters in the leads. Despite some bumps along the way, I liked this very much.
I read this a couple days ago and only now am writing this review so excuse me if I skip around with random thoughts.
I think there are two strong leads here in Claude and Peter. I found both their odysseys to be interesting, certainly one can argue that we've seen these before but I still thought they were entertaining enough to work. There is also some good sexual tension going on between Peter and Renee and to a different extend Peter and his wife Annie.
We've kind of seen this married tension between spouses and how perhaps a marriage that is not entirely happy causes one to stray off he path. Peter's little tryst at night to the strip club where he mees Renee is very Eyes Wide Shut like. He certainly resembles the Tom Cruise character who goes off on this night of maybe looking for a sexual encounter but one who ends up doing nothing. This begs an interesting question of ... did he cheat on his wife just by the act of going to this club? I think a slight bump for me is how Annie reacts to finding out that Peter may be frustrated in their marriage when she realizes his little journey. She immediately offers to do a threesome and I found that to be a bit jarring. Why wouldn't she offer to go on a romantic trip, or maybe do some role playing to spruce up the sex or well, anything but what she does. Offering a threesome seems a bit too much. Unless you set it up earlier that she knows that Peter already has this idea in mind. Maybe if you include one scene where she could earlier even say... I know you've always fantasized about doing a threesome and maybe he can answer.. what man hasn't? Maybe lame but I almost think her reaction is too strong - instead of even showing her asking a female friend or thinking about patching things her first reaction is to have a threesome with another woman. That felt off to me.
I also think it's a bit stupid for Peter to let Renee come to their house for the sexual act. I would rather have him offer to go to a hotel or somewhere other than their own bed. Something felt off to me when Renee brings along her friend Alexi to seduce Annie so that she could have Peter all to herself. I thought it's a time when Peter doesn't behave in a smart way. But maybe that is minor. But when he sees Alexi with her he should immediately want to end the whole thing or he should get very suspicious but instead ... the little thing goes on and I wondered about that.
You have some cool visuals here. Like the whole Skulletman scene, I could really visualize this strange thing going on. Also, having Peter take off his wedding ring at the strip club speaks volume. It's a visual that works. Parts of your script are a bit talky and this was one instance when you nailed it with a visual that tells us all we need to know. Good stuff.
Why doesn't Peter suspect that Annie's sudden zest for sprucing up their sex life is not connected to his one night of adventure? Wouldn't he figure out that maybe she knows he went out that night? And come to think of it, kind of strange for a husband to tell his wife, I'm going out for a walk when it's the wee hours of the night. Did I miss it? Was it early evening... I can only imagine my wife's reaction if I step out at like midnight to go out - she would certainly want to know where in the heck I was going.
I kind of liked Peter's story a little better than Claude. I don't mind the obsession with a hooker and certainly for an artist, makes sense to have this obsession but something about Claude's story felt a bit more basic than Peter and Annie's ... but I could be wrong on that.
I was on page 90 and I wrote down... I wonder if the Blonde woman is only in Claude's mind?
The scene where Claude forces the customer to describe the love making with the Blonde into his recorder should use some visuals I think. There are details you use like her grabbing the comforter that would really look well as a visual rather than just having him tell us.
Annie and Peter's behavior towards the end seems a bit bumpy... she confronts Peter and tells him that maybe she shouldn't tell him things that would hurt them but they seem to reconcile in a way that felt a bit rushed to me. Not sure. But I almost need a bit more pain, more hurt and an understanding as to why she allowed that to happen. Something felt off but perhaps I just didn't read it the right way.
All in all, this is a rather interesting multi-layered script with lots of sexual tension and an interesting odyssey for both your leads. My only last remark is that you can lose the continueds in the formatting and maybe go back and see if you can cut down some of the dialogue. There are quite a few scenes where it felt a bit lengthy.
Overall, a very interesting and good script. Nice job and best of luck. read
by JGPINEAU on 01/26/2007Technically well written. It's good to read something that's been carefully crafted such as this. On the positive side, I felt that your story with Peter and Annie was more fully developed. Conversely, I felt the Claude/Blondie story less so to the point that I don't think I really understood the conflict enough to empathize with either character. I also am unsure of what I... Technically well written. It's good to read something that's been carefully crafted such as this. On the positive side, I felt that your story with Peter and Annie was more fully developed. Conversely, I felt the Claude/Blondie story less so to the point that I don't think I really understood the conflict enough to empathize with either character.
I also am unsure of what I am meant to feel about the outcome of the Peter/Annie sexual experiment and its resultant let down for them. If anything, it might have been interesting to see the urge to continue on in Annie so that the tables became turned on Peter. Maybe Annie had been leading a secret double life as a threesome partner for her friends Fernando and Manuela, I don't know. The resolution of both stories left me wondering if I'd missed something - which is very possible here. But as a divorced man, I don't see any revelation in the outcome of this script and I felt I was meant to. The "be careful what you wish for" doesn't seem to be enough for me, if that is the intended "message".
Aside from the story, some of the plot points seemed a bit too contrived. The whole thing with the umbrella seemed such an obvious and somewhat awkward mechanism to bring Peter and Claude together. As well, Claude's outpouring of his soul seemed unjustified at such an early part of the script - we have no sence of this man yet so I was hard for me to buy that and therefore made it feel forced for the sake of setting up or sparking Peter's curiousity. Besides, Peter's seeming lack of curiousity about other women after 10 years of marriage and his sudden urge to explore it also seems contrived and forced.
Finally, the whole sub-story of Claude being an artist is completely unresolved and feels so out of place in the story as a whole, I wonder whether he could have been something much less conspicuous, like a security guard or cabbie, so as not to detract away from his psychosis. I felt like something was always going to result from him being an artist but, unless I missed that too, I don't see any relevance to the plot at all.
Most of the dialogue could use some work as well as I found little to really create "character" in the voices. The best dialogue came in the first scene in the diner and in Peter's first foray into the Peep Show with Renee.
I recommend reading Paulo Coelho's "Eleven Minutes" before trying a re-write. His grasp of man's facination with sex and love is enlightening and may spark a whole new approach for your next try.
All the best, read
by blue439 on 10/31/2006You Were The First One is an art movie that closely resembles a lower-class Eyes Wide Shut. Museum employee Peter and his wife Annie live lives of quiet desperation until Peterís chance meeting with Claude, a dissolute painter, ignites passions he never knew existed in himself and threatens his marriage. This is a conceptual piece, working more on an intellectual level... You Were The First One is an art movie that closely resembles a lower-class Eyes Wide Shut. Museum employee Peter and his wife Annie live lives of quiet desperation until Peterís chance meeting with Claude, a dissolute painter, ignites passions he never knew existed in himself and threatens his marriage. This is a conceptual piece, working more on an intellectual level than a realistic or emotional one. In Eyes Wide Shut, a couple living a stabile, conventional lifestyle have their lives transformed when confronted with shocking sexual events. Except the events in EWS were really not that shocking, (the story came from an early 20th century novel), And the events in this film are even less shocking. It doesnít seem plausible in this day and age that Peter would be interested, much less shocked, that total stranger Claude was in love with a prostitute. Even in an early 20th century novel the idea of an artistís muse being a prostitute probably wouldnít be that shocking. And Annieís horror at finding Reneeís mash note seems overblown as well. So, conceptually, much is made of events that donít seem like a big deal. The reactions seem implausible and stilted. Even Claudeís Blonde obsession seems a let down in the end. Perhaps another viewing of Eyes Wide Shut is in order. Or maybe not. Because not even Stanley Kubrick could get much heat out of this story.
p.19 Donít give the same information twice. Peterís already stated heís the Assistant Manager.
Why does Claude tell Peter (whom heís just met) about his obsession with the prostitute? And why does Peter care? Donít really see why Peter would be that interested. Itís really not that deviant an act so I donít see the fascination (for either character). I get the feeling the writer feels that this is real forbidden fruit, but itís not shocking enough, in my opinion. Remember, Lolita came out 50 years ago. And why is Peter talking so much to Claude?
Claude sure loves the sound of his own voice. Itís not that attractive a trait for a character to talk so much about himself. Claude is pretty egotistical and self-absorbed, even for an artist. Why should we care about him and his obsessions? He doesnít seem to be a great artist. He really seems more like a drunk blowhard. The stakes for Claude seem low. This does not appear to be the high point of his life. If you want to keep interest in Claude, you have to have him do progressively more interesting things, not just have him watch the Blonde from his window and muse poetically.
p.27 Why does Claude seem so put off when Peter asks about the hooker? He went out of his way to tell Peter about her.
Whatís the point of Peterís mortuary science speech?
This is INTERIOR drama for the male characters Ė the female characters are not very well drawn Ė but itís confused and doesnít coalesce. Claudeís blonde obsession and the surreal film, Peter and the strip club and the death of the neighbor and his father, but they donít really form coherent psychological portraits of the characters.
Thereís a lot of dialogue in this piece. Sometimes it seems naturalistic, but a lot of the time itís like an internal monologue playing out.
Renee is the second character to go up to Peter and start spilling her guts about her life.
Peter is a PASSIVE character, mostly reacting to events.
Itís a relief when characters actually start ACTING on their impulses,instead of just talking, Claude follows the Blonde on a date, Renee and Alexi show up at Peterís Ė but itís late in the script Ė p. 80.
p.87 Itís almost like another movie when Renee and coke-sniffing Alexi show up at Peter and Annieís. Hilarious when Annie suggests getting wine, cheese and crackers to stall.
Peter is kind of sickeningly earnest.
Thereís an interesting disaffected manner to this piece, but I think it goes on for far too long, trying the patience.
The art show story thread completely drops out of the piece, making one wonder why it was brought up in the first place.
As much time as we spend with Peter and Annie, I donít really get a clear sense of how their relationship works, mostly because I donít get a clear sense of Annie Ė her emotional want. She mostly REACTS to events. Annieís character needs building up. As written sheís Miss Perfect Sweet Wife. Sheís the only one of the 4 group sex participants whoís not given any kind of post-sex description.
The women characters in general seem to be objects Ė the Blonde, the Woman in Black Ė than real characters. Renee, who has much less screen time than Annie comes off as a much more vivid character because sheís ACTIVE, although her want seems to be mostly external Ė how much she can get from her customer.
It seems like the Renee character is really just another side of the Claude character Ė he teases the Peter character verbally, she teases him sexually. read
by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 10/30/2006An engrossing character study of obsession and sexual desires; their consequences and resolutions. It's two stories in one, intertwined reasonably well through the two main characters, Claude and Peter. It's slightly awkward that Claude's story is right from the beginning, but Peter's is only triggered by a chance meeting with Claude. If there was a way to get both of their... An engrossing character study of obsession and sexual desires; their consequences and resolutions.
It's two stories in one, intertwined reasonably well through the two main characters, Claude and Peter. It's slightly awkward that Claude's story is right from the beginning, but Peter's is only triggered by a chance meeting with Claude. If there was a way to get both of their stories started by the chance meeting...wow, this script would double it's impact.
And as it stands, it already has quite the impact. It's very well done.
The Claude story works significantly better. He feels more real, his reasons for his obsession, and the degree to which he dives into them, provide a multi-layed character study with an ending that provides closure.
The opening three pages are such a grabber - finely nuanced dialogue and descriptions that paint the man, and his current state of emotions, perfectly.
The Peter story doesn't work as well. It's full of potential, but as written, is average. I don't think the Jimmy character is necessary. He's there to provide exposition on Peter and Annie's marriage. It'd be far better to cut him out, and use the pages to introduce and really explore what's going on between Peter and Annie, underneath the surface.
As currently portrayed, it's a happy yet boring marriage. But the love is there. There isn't even a hint of Peter's hidden (even to himself) desires. I don't feel this is an effective set-up for a seemingly decent man, within the space of one week (I checked over the script to make sure I was accurate with the time frame...I'm 99% sure I am)...to give in to temptation, involve his wife, and get so caught up in his own denial that he can't see how much she is suffering from even the idea of experimenting sexually.
Situations like this are realistic, but are drawn out over time, as the partners, particularly ones as seemingly naive as Peter and Annie, work up the nerve to go ahead with the plans.
A more resonant set-up, with clear hints of underlying sexual frustration, would make it more plausible. After all, films don't follow normal timelines all that much.
I notice the author has already had reviews mention basic spec format. The argument will always rage on about it, but I do feel it's best to chuck the fade in's, dissolves, etc. except for the fade in at the beginning and fade out at the end. Unless completely necessary. And they didn't feel necessary here.
p. 19 Claude's meeting with Peter is random. It's awkward that he'd say "I want to tell you something". It doesn't flow organically out of the scene. It's like it's there because it has to be said to further the plot.
Something like the two of them admiring a painting of a beautiful woman...then Claude saying "I'm in love with a woman" (I didn't write down the exact quote)....THEN telling Peter she's a prostitute. That would feel more natural given the setting and Claude's emotional state.
p.21-23 feels like exposition...to draw out Peter's feelings about Annie. I don't suggest cutting the dialogue, but re-working it to cut down the expository feel.
p. 39 Great dialogue between Renee and Peter. If it was more believable that Peter was susceptible to temptation, I would nominate this as one of the best scenes I've read on TS.
p. 61 Reno's big speech not only is distracting due to it's length (you can cut these up by quick action lines of audience reaction)...but's I don't think it's necessary. It telegraphs the emotional phase that Claude already exhibits through his actions in the script.
In fact, from p. 56 to the end of the film being shown are unnecessary. They seem to be a debate about art, with characters that only appear during this scene. It gives a bit of Claude's background, none of which is necessary because the only background that's vital for the reader is stuff that explains his obsession (i.e. the tattoo).
p. 86 Peter's full fledged wussiness (I couldn't think of a better word, sorry) when snapped at by Renee is streching things. He knows he's uncomfortable. He knows his wife is uncomfortable. He knows Renee has done something that wasn't in the plans by bringing Alexi...yet he gives in instantly, and manages to convince himself and Annie to go ahead. His reckless endangerment of both his and his wife's emotional, perhaps even physical, safety is tough to believe - again given that it hasn't been established that he and Annie are on the brink of destruction anyways.
In other words, this is the type of behaviour desperate people engage in. And desperate main characters need a context for that level of denial and recklessness.
p. 91 Claude following "the customer" - fantastic scene. A man that obsessed probably would do these things. And would want to know every detail.
If you could get Peter and Annie up to the same level of realism that you done with Claude - wow. I'd pay to see that.
I hope this helps. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this script.
by miriamp on 10/23/2006This is a compelling story with plenty of unique emotional nuances. It has a very European feel and the tone you've created reminds me very much of the subtle, understated emotional resonance of Birth, which was written by a European: Jean-Claude CarriŤre. If you haven't seen Birth, I recommend you do before you rewrite this. If you have seen it, watch it again, and take... This is a compelling story with plenty of unique emotional nuances. It has a very European feel and the tone you've created reminds me very much of the subtle, understated emotional resonance of Birth, which was written by a European: Jean-Claude CarriŤre.
If you haven't seen Birth, I recommend you do before you rewrite this. If you have seen it, watch it again, and take note of how very little dialogue there is. There are long sections where the characters hardly speak at all. The story is carried in the images, not by the words.
You have created a series of compelling images and then bogged them down with too much dialogue. There is no subtext at all, and this script should be full of subtext. Claude is a painter, yet he obsessively speaks into his voice recorder. You could cut all of his dialogue in these scenes and convey his anguish through his paintings, his drinking, and his fantasies.
Claude has a chance meeting with Peter, who catches his obsession like a cold. But in Peter the symptoms manifest as a relationship with a sex-shop girl. During this meeting you give Claude two very long speeches. The rule of thumb for dialogue is that it should not be longer than four lines at a time. It's okay to have long speeches here and there. A lot of writers will give one of their characters one long speech during the story, but any script full of dialogue sections that are all over four lines immediately raises my suspicions.
Let's take one of Claude's speeches: "Because I don't know you. If I had told a friend or a colleague, they'd think I was seeking attention, acting like a real artist, attempting to torment myself by creating this gimmick, y'know? I have no reason to impress you. We're strangers. I apologize for the awkwardness, but I felt the need to tell someone, to see a reaction. Anyway, I believe that personal feelings lose their novelty once they're spoken of too much, cheapens it a little. Even if I regret telling you, itís not like I'd have to face up to it."
The way they meet shows they're strangers, so you don't have to say this. Claude obviously feels a need to tell somebody, otherwise he wouldn't be telling Peter, so you can strike any lines related to that. I guess he could explain that his friends would think he was seeking attention, but that kind of goes along with feeling more comfortable telling a stranger, so strike that. Through Claude, you tell us that personal feelings lose their novelty once they're spoken of too much, so you really shouldn't prove your point by throwing away the novelty of Claude's feelings.
The only thing I really see in this entire dialogue section that helps the scene is, "I apologize for the awkwardness." If you cut this entire speech down to that line, it would have so much more impact.
And the interlude with Peter and Annie when Renee and Alexi come over would have more emotional impact if you let us watch their relationship unravel, instead of telling us through their conversation. And how can they even talk to each other afterward? Wouldn't it be more realistic for them to wander around their apartment avoiding each other? A little shell-shocked even?
The other problem with this screenplay is that you have substituted style for grammar. "The Blonde hooker standing on the street corner." This is fragment. Please trust me when I tell you that there is no style you can adopt that will substitute for correct grammar and punctuation. There's this one on page 35: "The booth, colored in dim red lighting, is furnished with three chairs facing a large window pane in which we see a stage through." Correct grammar and punctuation are very important tools for a writer and you must master them.
Formatting: "Later" is a mini-slug and should be capitalized. VOICE and WORDS are not acceptable character headings. If a character has a fantasy image go through his head in a taxi, you have to change the slugline. And pay attention to the details. When Peter wakes up, rolls over in bed, and sees Annie at the stove, I was wondering if they have a stove in their bedroom or a bed in their kitchen. It could be one of those open-plan loft apartments, but in other places you separate their kitchen and bedroom with separate slugs.
If you have not studied "The Screenwriter's Bible" by David Trottier, then please do so. And my favorite grammar and punctuation books are "The Transitive Vampire" and "The Well-Tempered Sentence" by Karen Elizabeth Gordon.
Think about what these characters are saying and think about ways you could convey the same thing with no words at all. Then let the words creep in, just a few at a time. Be cautious with them and don't let them breed too much. You'll be left with a much better story.
Good luck with the rewrite. read
by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 10/22/2006This work manages to take harsh and crude subject matter, and render a sensitive view. The conversations have depth and intelligence. The characters are easy to connect with, beyond a superficial level. You need to be more clear when Claude goes in and out of imagining. What would be obvious onscreen is not that obvious on the page. Use CLAUDE SEES or IN CLAUDE'S MIND, then... This work manages to take harsh and crude subject matter, and render a sensitive view.
The conversations have depth and intelligence. The characters are easy to connect with, beyond a superficial level.
You need to be more clear when Claude goes in and out of imagining. What would be obvious onscreen is not that obvious on the page. Use CLAUDE SEES or IN CLAUDE'S MIND, then BACK TO PRESENT or RESUME CLAUDE ALONE. Readers don't want to have to check and recheck if these flashes are memories, imagination, or presently happening. Be sure you don't lose people by confusing time frames.
Change where you use the word "lay" incorrectly. People "lie" on a bed. People "lay" an object on a bed. Lie down and lying down is what people do. Laying down and laid down applies to objects handled by people.
You've written some tricky scenes in a tasteful way. It was refreshing to see them avoid becoming lurid.
I was glad Peter and Annie wanted no further experiments.
Claude seemed to go further into his artistic retreat, unless I missed some point on my immediate reaction.
by Luke B on 10/21/2006This is a very intellectual script. Excellent dialogue that revealed both plot and character. It flowed naturally and I never lost interest once. You did a great job showing the alternate side of the sex trade; the perspective of us normal people looking in. Peter and Annie's relationship I would have to say was the anchor of the story. Although I liked Claude, I could relate... This is a very intellectual script. Excellent dialogue that revealed both plot and character. It flowed naturally and I never lost interest once.
You did a great job showing the alternate side of the sex trade; the perspective of us normal people looking in. Peter and Annie's relationship I would have to say was the anchor of the story. Although I liked Claude, I could relate to what Peter and Annie were going through more. It was very human.
The story moved so organically I can't pin point any parts that seemed false or forced. This feels like it was cut from real life. I don't know what the market is for this script. It's hard to categorize. The subject matter is kind of hard to deal with at first. Prostitutes and peep shows are usually not the type of images you want to watch on a Friday night. But aside from that, this is a film I myself would watch and learn something from.
You did a good job, and keep up the excellent dialogue. read
by Brian W on 10/20/2006At this point, anything I say would be superfluous. You seem like a writer that understands the complexities of sexual obsession. The start is slow, I'll admit, painting the characters in, but once the fateful night begins, the descent is logical and horrible and it all feels right. The only part I would consider again is the film on the giant skull. The pacing is interrupted... At this point, anything I say would be superfluous. You seem like a writer that understands the complexities of sexual obsession. The start is slow, I'll admit, painting the characters in, but once the fateful night begins, the descent is logical and horrible and it all feels right. The only part I would consider again is the film on the giant skull. The pacing is interrupted for that scene and it could be that I didn't get it, but there was something a little off about it. As if it didn't fit in the film.
The characters were fairly well defined, although I did want to know about Annie's inner-turmoils and what her attractions were. What if Alexi were exactly the type she would fantasize about?
Thank you for the effort, I enjoyed reading the script. read
by mike flint on 09/11/2006When I first started reading this, I must admit I wasn't entirely sure what to think. The dialogue was great, the characters (especially that of Claude) seemed very nicely fleshed out - but at first I really didn't know what the point of the story was. Then it occurred to me: the story of this particular screenplay is so character driven, that it is almost hidden beneath the... When I first started reading this, I must admit I wasn't entirely sure what to think. The dialogue was great, the characters (especially that of Claude) seemed very nicely fleshed out - but at first I really didn't know what the point of the story was. Then it occurred to me: the story of this particular screenplay is so character driven, that it is almost hidden beneath the complexity of the characters. Once I looked at it from that perspective, I also came to realize just how brilliant the author was for doing this. Although it's not always clear exactly how one scene relates to another, none of the scenes feel unnesessary. On the contrary, what this script is great at doing is using the previous scene to build the following scene. The main character, Claude, is one of the best written characters I've come across in a long time. Not only is he a deeply complex character, but he's also realistic. His finding inspiration in painting, the sorrow he suffers emotionally... it's all just very well written. I wish I could be more specific about why it's so good, but there's not much to say except that it has to be read to be appreciated. I almost wish this was a book, as I would like to get to know the characters even more... however, I'm sure it would make a great movie as well. The author's descriptions of the environments are excellent, considering how brief they are. Pay close attention to the description of the garden - as it is one of the best descriptions I've ever read. The script, though it can be graphic at some times (the scenes with the pimp, for example), is very tastefully done, and that only adds to it. Great job, David. The only thing I would say is to check the script formatting - I don't think it's completely correct in some areas. Other than that, however, you have a terrific script here. read
by Simon Knight on 09/10/2006My main problem with this was that there was nobody I cared about, nobody for me to latch onto as I read through. Claude was pompous, Peter was weak and their connection to each other was tenuous at best. I felt like a scene where they met up again to impart their experiences was missing at the end. Your dialogue and general writing style was very strong and it began very... My main problem with this was that there was nobody I cared about, nobody for me to latch onto as I read through. Claude was pompous, Peter was weak and their connection to each other was tenuous at best. I felt like a scene where they met up again to impart their experiences was missing at the end.
Your dialogue and general writing style was very strong and it began very well, but when Peter went into the peep show and met Renee for the first time, I felt like I was reading a script for a Madonna video. The whole thing also reminded me a lot of Eyes Wide Shut (which I wasn't particularly fond of.)
I couldn't see the point of the long scene at Claude's friend's film showing. It seemed to go on forever and didn't really add anything to the story. It also wasn't clear enough to me who Sylvia was and what had happened to her.
I thought that Renee bringing Alexi along was a nice twist, but I didn't think that making the Blonde prostitute a "bit slow" was all that inspired. I felt tension as I was reading it, but I didn't enjoy the tension as I didn't like anyone.
I'm sorry I couldn't be more positive.
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