Reviews of 36 Belial Place 18

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  THE LAST SCORE
  A review of 36 Belial Place
  by Tripsheet Revision on 01/12/2012
  Great story, very Poe-like, creepy. There’s more fear in the inexplicable than a thousand explanations. In a story like this, what happens first is that a thousand questions begin rising to the surface, and, of course, questions demand answers. But when answers aren’t forthcoming then a sense of unease begins to build. The situation is as clever as it is simple; imagine... Great story, very Poe-like, creepy. There’s more fear in the inexplicable than a thousand explanations. In a story like this, what happens first is that a thousand questions begin rising to the surface, and, of course, questions demand answers. But when answers aren’t forthcoming then a sense of unease begins to build. The situation is as clever as it is simple; imagine getting into a house you can’t get out of -- ever! A good sequel might be to show them trying various things, all in vain, to try to escape; emotions would rise as the level of fear rises. But then, of course, despair would follow. The only thing I don’t like about the story is the painting on the ceiling that shows his wife and child; I think it’s more despairing that he cannot get back to his wife and child, not that they might have been brought to him. That would be what would gall me, and anger me, and frighten me more than anything -- that I can’t get back to my loved ones, and I can’t even explain to them what’s happened. They’ll never know that I didn’t run off with a floozy, or that I wasn’t murdered. Good writing. Good story. I’d love to see more of the house, more of the outlandish characters who reside there. Good stuff.
  
  You wrote: I only steal from those whom deserve it.... Should be ‘who’ deserve it.
  
  You wrote: He moves his hand in front of him as (if) to express “go head, look around”. And punctuation goes within quotation marks. read
• 
  36 Belial Place
  A review of 36 Belial Place
  by covofdark on 12/23/2011
  Your story is very suspenseful. It sent a chill up my spine. It's thought provoking, and cleverly written. The setup was nicely done and I got a good sense of the thieves character. Although, what they do for a living is morally wrong, however, these characters aren't necessarily bad or evil and even have good qualities about them. Overall, very good. This is a case where... Your story is very suspenseful. It sent a chill up my spine. It's thought provoking, and cleverly written. The setup was nicely done and I got a good sense of the thieves character. Although, what they do for a living is morally wrong, however, these characters aren't necessarily bad or evil and even have good qualities about them. Overall, very good. This is a case where I rooted for a bad guy to make it out free. read
• 
  A House for Thieves
  A review of 36 Belial Place
  by James Moriarty on 09/06/2011
  "Belial" is a clever house of fiction, or is it a fictional house? Fuck the antagonists...trap them...its what thieves deserve, as well as a "place" in prison. The story needs work. Maybe a secret society that protects good people has located the two theives, then engineered events so that they get "baited", then trapped @ 36 Belial Place. You trapped this reader. Make... "Belial" is a clever house of fiction, or is it a fictional house?
  
  Fuck the antagonists...trap them...its what thieves deserve, as well as a "place" in prison. The story needs work. Maybe a secret society that protects good people has located the two theives, then engineered events so that they get "baited", then trapped @ 36 Belial Place. You trapped this reader. Make the story better.
  
  Good writing: "I only steal from those who deserve it...we are the score."
  
  Errata: pagination, p.1 partner's, break the big paragraphs to smaller ones. make it an easy read. My = my. Get a better title that tells the essence of the story e.g., a Place for Thieves.
  
  You got some horror and a clever idea. Execute it better. Professor Moriarty read
• 
  A Vicarious Journey Through No. 36
  A review of 36 Belial Place
  by MaxWatt on 08/16/2011
  This is the kind of narrative that I can't stop thinking about. Nothing is revealed to the reader, so they are left wondering just what is going on, and search back through to find some clue. This is exactly the kind of reaction I am having, but I the narrative is too short to really do the concept (whatever that is) justice. I'm a big fan of the style where things are left... This is the kind of narrative that I can't stop thinking about. Nothing is revealed to the reader, so they are left wondering just what is going on, and search back through to find some clue. This is exactly the kind of reaction I am having, but I the narrative is too short to really do the concept (whatever that is) justice. I'm a big fan of the style where things are left to the power of imagination, and I'm not advising you to change that element, but I do feel that it needs to be:
  
  1) Slowed down - Creepy as it already is, this could be intensified by describing the surroundings more. This allows the reader to get a better feel for the place and for tension to build.
  
  2) The characters developed further - Nothing much is learnt about them, a part from the fact that one of them has a wife and kids, who we can't fully appreciate. What is the relationship between the character and his family? This creates better pathos when he sees them at the end.
  
  Above all I did wonder if this was happening inside the character's head, or if it really were happening.
  
  This is very effective as it already is, but has much room for improvement. Thanks for the read. read
• 
  Thieves don't always prosper.
  A review of 36 Belial Place
  by Stephen Dawes on 12/10/2010
  This is a nice twisted tale. Little happens, little is resolved - it just puts you in a strange, unnatural, place and leaves you wondering what happens next. It is a good forerunner to what comes next - but it never does - the reader is left to decide. There is some nice imagery utilising classic horror themes - children, old men and clowns. It has a Hammer House quality to... This is a nice twisted tale. Little happens, little is resolved - it just puts you in a strange, unnatural, place and leaves you wondering what happens next. It is a good forerunner to what comes next - but it never does - the reader is left to decide.
  There is some nice imagery utilising classic horror themes - children, old men and clowns. It has a Hammer House quality to it - surreal and offbeat.
  The layout could do with some minor work - separating speech from the elongated paragraphs - especially when more than one person is speaking.
  I'm not too keen on the present tense used - but this is just a personal thing.
  e.g. "I cautiously sip at my coffee..."
  Overall, I enjoyed it.
  All the best. read
• 
  Atmospheric and Creepy
  A review of 36 Belial Place
  by dunphoid on 05/17/2010
  Very atmospheric and creepy. I wasn't sure what the significance of the naked clown was, or the 5 year old boy. They were certainly scary and sometimes I guess it's good not to have an explanation. By the end of the story I would like an indicator as to whether perhaps the narrator was dead and in hell, or whether he was in an actual house which had supernaturally appeared... Very atmospheric and creepy. I wasn't sure what the significance of the naked clown was, or the 5 year old boy. They were certainly scary and sometimes I guess it's good not to have an explanation. By the end of the story I would like an indicator as to whether perhaps the narrator was dead and in hell, or whether he was in an actual house which had supernaturally appeared and reappeared. I know that in Irish mythology, faeries would create fake houses to which they'd lure travellers, before dragging them to hell.
  
  I would also like a sense of whether the narrator's wife and son had actually been burned alive in a fire maybe? If not, how were they lured to the house or how were they killed?
  
  The Buyer could be elaborated on a bit more I think. Is he the Devil? Who is he?
  
  It was a cool, nightmarish story but I needed a little bit more explanation at the end. In fact, it might be cool to add an extra para or two where he is taken to see his wife and son. What state are they in? Perhaps the clown shows him into a dark room and turns on a light...and he sees his wife and son half-dead covered in gnawing, starving, rats!
  
  Well done. Creeped me out big time! read
• 
  SISTENE CHAPEL OF HORRORVILLE
  A review of 36 Belial Place
  by gclifton on 04/15/2010
  This is a well written "kick 'um in the guts" horror tale which reads easily in plain English. Two dirtbags, sent to steal a prize, become the door prize themselves. The idea to write this in first person, present tense is unusual and works well here. The writer uses very long paragraphs and some long sentences, although it reads well as it is. Have you considered making... This is a well written "kick 'um in the guts" horror tale which reads easily in plain English.
  Two dirtbags, sent to steal a prize, become the door prize themselves. The idea to write this in first person, present tense is unusual and works well here.
  
  The writer uses very long paragraphs and some long sentences, although it reads well as it is.
  
  Have you considered making the 5 year old a "kid of about five?"
  
  Very good story. The thrust makes the reader look for the old man to be a vampire. Hell he's worse. Glues the whole family to the ceiling. Maybe the kid eats their toes first? read
• 
  Confusing Wall of Text
  A review of 36 Belial Place
  by CultHero on 03/19/2010
  The plot is interesting and with some rewriting there may be a good story but as it stands now the story is like a giant wall of text. The dialog isn't structured right either. You have dialog mixed in with paragraphs and it make it very difficult to know exactly who is speaking. For example: “Roll your window up, it’s getting cold,” I say to him. He looks at me and nods... The plot is interesting and with some rewriting there may be a good story but as it stands now the story is like a giant wall of text.
  The dialog isn't structured right either. You have dialog mixed in with paragraphs and it make it very difficult to know exactly who is speaking. For example:
  
  “Roll your window up, it’s getting cold,” I say to him. He looks at me and nods.
  His name isn’t important, but what is important is that I trust him. Not only
  do I trust him, but, this is his score. I wouldn’t be doing this particular job, in
  these particular circumstances, with just anyone. Only him. “Here comes
  somebody,” he says as he quickly turns the window handle.
  
  Would be easier to read as:
  
  “Roll your window up, it’s getting cold,” I say to him. He looks at me and nods.
  
  His name isn’t important, but what is important is that I trust him. Not only do I trust him, but, this is his score. I wouldn’t be doing this particular job, in these particular circumstances, with just anyone. Only him.
  
  “Here comes somebody,” he says as he quickly turns the window handle.
  
  It's a pretty simple reformat and it will improve the story a great deal. read
• 
  He Just Wants To Play
  A review of 36 Belial Place
  by mnjones on 03/02/2010
  I have to say he writing held my interest all the way through the seven pages. I think the setup is well done, but the conclusion, while replete with the obligatory horror--the chilling non-responsiveness of the little boy, the painting dripping blood--was abrupt and unsatisfying. Page 1, Second paragraph: Dialogue of both characters written in the same paragraph; probably... I have to say he writing held my interest all the way through the seven pages. I think the setup is well done, but the conclusion, while replete with the obligatory horror--the chilling non-responsiveness of the little boy, the painting dripping blood--was abrupt and unsatisfying.
  
  Page 1, Second paragraph: Dialogue of both characters written in the same paragraph; probably better to give each character his own paragraph.
  
  If the od man is unaware of their presence he wouldn't know of their intentions.
  
  Page 2, Blood red carpet with dark oak railings..." Sounds like the carpet has railings. Maybe "...red carpet and oak railings..." would work better.
  
  "I only steal from those whom deserve it." I only steal from those who deserve.
  
  Page 3, "...he shares my same code..." He shares the same code, or he shares my code..."
  
  Nice effort. Some problems with structure, involving dialogue and paragraphing.
  read
• 
  RE: 36
  A review of 36 Belial Place
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 12/07/2009
  There’s nothing surprising or new here, but it’s still a fun read. It reminded me of the old TV show hosted by Boris Karloff -- Thriller. Those episodes were one dimensional and everything that happened was very, very dramatic. But they were fun, and this is a fun, quick read. The writer demonstrates quite a lot of talent with moving his story quickly along, too. The major... There’s nothing surprising or new here, but it’s still a fun read. It reminded me of the old TV show hosted by Boris Karloff -- Thriller. Those episodes were one dimensional and everything that happened was very, very dramatic. But they were fun, and this is a fun, quick read. The writer demonstrates quite a lot of talent with moving his story quickly along, too.
  
  The major flaw with Belial Place, which is a terrific title, is that it’s told in nearly one long, solid block of black print. There’s very little visual relief for the reader from start to finish. The standard publishing format was developed for many reasons. One reason, probably a lesser one, is that it gives the reader as much visual comfort as possible. White space on the page is easier on the eyes than page after page of black space. That’s why the standard publishing format requires writers to indent five spaces with each new paragraph, and why new paragraphs begin when the current subject, or action, changes. And, also, allow two spaces after your periods, which also opens the text up visually a bit more.
  
  Partners is singular possessive, and so it needs an apostrophe. Partner’s.
  
  Also, every new, first line of a character’s dialogue should be indented, as it represents a new paragraph.
  
  If the window is down how is it possible to feel the slight wind blowing through the other window that’s cracked? I’m somehow picturing two windows here, one that’s got a crack in it and one that’s rolled down. If you’re dealing with one window then it needs to be described a bit more carefully, as the term ‘cracked’ as it pertains to glass can have more than one meaning.
  
  I’m not sure how us knowing the guy’s name, or not, has anything to do with your central character admiration and partnership with him. Names are an easy way for your readers to latch onto your characters. It helps us remember them and identify and picture them.
  
  Towards is probably a colloquialism and works better in the dialogue of your characters. ‘Toward’ is the correct version for your descriptive lines.
  
  Don’t state the obvious -- of course he’s unaware of their intentions.
  
  He didn’t have anything to say. His eyes said it all. These sentences are past tense, which is a break from how the story has been written thus far: present tense.
  
  When your characters address each other, you need to use commas. For example: Joe, I hear you like baseball. Or: I hear you like baseball, Joe, and so do I.
  
  I only steal from those whom (WHO) deserve it. There’s a problem here with logic: Who deserves to be robbed of their own possessions? If it can justifiably be decided, who’s to decide? Your character says he’s moral, which, within the present context, is ludicrous and laughable. He has his code, which is obviously adjustable to convenience, which makes him a worthless human being.
  
  How could the old man know the thief has a family? He can’t know it, of course, but you divided your primary thought in the paragraph around the lesser thought of the thief’s having a family. Because of it’s position in your paragraph, the sentence, “There’s no way he knows,” refers directly back to the thought before it, that of his having a family.
  
  Charades should be singular, charade.
  
  Avoid double or triple punctuation strikes, such as ?!
  
  He sits on the floor aside (beside) the old man.
  read