Reviews of A Vanishing Breed 26

• 
  "Breed" = An Excellent Read
  A review of A Vanishing Breed
  by James Moriarty on 02/08/2012
  Clever. I get it. The computer screen is the Reader's window into the world of prostitution. Short. Slick...and to the point. Cheshire, a clever detective-like woman (a female vigilante)explores the streets of L.A. for the disappearance of her friend, a working protitute. But no habeas corpus, as the lawyers say. Well written with no technical errors. Good writing: "What... Clever.
  
  I get it. The computer screen is the Reader's window into the world of prostitution.
  
  Short. Slick...and to the point.
  
  Cheshire, a clever detective-like woman (a female vigilante)explores the streets of L.A. for the disappearance of her friend, a working protitute. But no habeas corpus, as the lawyers say.
  
  Well written with no technical errors. Good writing: "What do you want it to be?...a precious commodity...razor nails...drool...remember the grin...sighed."
  
  Unlike DRAGON TATOO, at this stage of the story, there is no need to assert justice on men who abuse women. Writer, what happens next? What happens in Japan?
  
  M, a reader who wonders what happened to the girls on Long Island & in New Mexico? read
• 
  Cheshire's grin...
  A review of A Vanishing Breed
  by nick74 on 05/24/2011
  Cheshire. I think you've just discovered a new super hero - part cat woman, part Julia Roberts. I find this character intoxicating for her freshness, yet familiarity: a prostitute thwarting evil in the name of the X chromosome. Hey, maybe in a sequel a single mother mysteriously named The X-Chromosome, bent on the destruction of all men, could be her sidekick. Just a thought... Cheshire. I think you've just discovered a new super hero - part cat woman, part Julia Roberts. I find this character intoxicating for her freshness, yet familiarity: a prostitute thwarting evil in the name of the X chromosome. Hey, maybe in a sequel a single mother mysteriously named The X-Chromosome, bent on the destruction of all men, could be her sidekick. Just a thought.
  
  You write extremely well from a technical aspect. Clean, correct sentences create an even flow to the rapid pacing of this story. I like the idea being shared too, and the twist ending was great. It added a dilemma to Cheshire's moral mission. That always makes for great characterization, especially for the new breed of superhero that A Vanishing Breed tempts.
  
  A few things: There is way too much information being learned through dialog alone. It would be more believable for an audience if her mission was stated through some of your powerful prose as opposed to being revealed in conversation. When Cheshire expounds on the fact that she "knows" the guy was with the prostitutes when they vanished, and when she iterates to Mr. Kross about the unfairness of men --- these things, I would think, would be better suited to her thoughts, not her words.
  
  Also, I would say be careful of moments like "Using back flips" and "with her amazing agility". It would be stronger just to say 'what she does' and let the audience go, wow, her agility is amazing, etc. It would be a little less contrived for the reader.
  
  But all in all, this is a great story with some killer one liners:
  
  "The name is Cheshire. Remember the grin."
  
  I mean, that's just cool.
  
  Good story, heck of a lot of fun to read, decent morale. Keep going. read
• 
  Lisbeth Salander, meet Cheshire
  A review of A Vanishing Breed
  by bigheadx on 05/20/2011
  Thanks for the opportunity to read this short story. It reads well (see specific comments below) but ends abruptly. Written in a style that, for this reader, was "over the top," it blends a "Modesty Blaise" or "Flashman" like composition with a Stieg Larsson heroine. If fantasy is the intent, then this might just work, but the dialogue, when not "on the nose," is a bit wooden... Thanks for the opportunity to read this short story. It reads well (see specific comments below) but ends abruptly. Written in a style that, for this reader, was "over the top," it blends a "Modesty Blaise" or "Flashman" like composition with a Stieg Larsson heroine.
  
  If fantasy is the intent, then this might just work, but the dialogue, when not "on the nose," is a bit wooden and, unfortunately, not very original. This reader wishes he had more suggestions to make, but a story like this has a great deal of competition (written and filmed) and it does not work as much more than a successful writing exercise.
  
  Good luck!
  
  TYPOS - WORD CHOICE - GRAMMAR - [suggestions]
  
  a man appeared at her feet. - [is he on the ground? did he crawl up to her? confusing]
  
  She picked up herself cautiously - She looked up cautiously
  
  “That’s right. I’m a precious commodity.” - [nice!]
  
  spun him to the floor - [how? karate? ju-jitus? such details tells us more about the woman]
  
  He reached out with his leg - [new paragraph]
  
  She grabbed ahold of his head - [same]
  
  She reached down and scratched - [same]
  
  “Your face should be getting numb - [same]
  
  “Why do you think I would know?” He struggled to say, allowing drool to flow from - “Why do you think I would know?” he struggled to say, drool flowing from
  
  “They’re forced to be out on the streets ... - [preachy imho]
  
  His hand slipped down under his desk and pressed a button - [new paragraph]
  
  Cheshire/Jade - [which is it?] read
• 
  FINGERNAIL KILLER
  A review of A Vanishing Breed
  by gclifton on 04/22/2010
  This has been on TS long enough, every suggestion as to plot, structure or style has got to have been tossed up. I spent many years on the street and found hookers worked the street for several reasons, with drug abuse being near the top of causes. But "They're forced to be out on the streets because men in power prevent women from becoming anything else but a slave to their... This has been on TS long enough, every suggestion as to plot, structure or style has got to have been tossed up.
  
  I spent many years on the street and found hookers worked the street for several reasons, with drug abuse being near the top of causes. But "They're forced to be out on the streets because men in power prevent women from becoming anything else but a slave to their desires in this man's world," is misleading. Granted some girls on the street are backed or driven by a pimp or sorry boyfriend (the line is often blurred) who put them out, but most, no matter the myths, are volunteers. And they are in a very dangerous business, vunerable to many things.
  
  The killer chick idea is good, and you end this with the realization Christine is a volunteer. Set Cheshire to popping off pimps and other sorry men and you could expand this to a longer tale, because there are a thousand times more suspects.
  
  A good read, with a good theme. read
• 
  how much for a--
  A review of A Vanishing Breed
  by philbklyn on 11/25/2009
  The first page felt a little heavy in my opinion, too much description for my taste. Each person's dialogue should have been broken up into separate paragraphs. Page 2 was nice, I liked it when she threw him on the floor. The poison was a little too much, though. The back-flips were also a little too much. The story had a decent concept, but I think this is more like two... The first page felt a little heavy in my opinion, too much description for my taste. Each person's dialogue should have been broken up into separate paragraphs. Page 2 was nice, I liked it when she threw him on the floor. The poison was a little too much, though. The back-flips were also a little too much. The story had a decent concept, but I think this is more like two scenes from a longer story, which really doesn't work as a stand alone short story. There were some good elements and some interesting parts, but there was also some unrealistic parts that took away from the reading. Overall, I think the story was OK. read
• 
  LA Hookers
  A review of A Vanishing Breed
  by mnjones on 08/13/2009
  I'm not sure the title, A Vanishing Breed, is a good fit, but the story starts well. I was hooked on page one. But Jade is a bit over the top. She becomes a comic book character with her moralisitc preaching, her razor-sharp nails, her acrobatic back-flips, and her through-the-window leaps. And all her heroic efforts are for naught, with Christine happily off to Japan where... I'm not sure the title, A Vanishing Breed, is a good fit, but the story starts well. I was hooked on page one. But Jade is a bit over the top. She becomes a comic book character with her moralisitc preaching, her razor-sharp nails, her acrobatic back-flips, and her through-the-window leaps. And all her heroic efforts are for naught, with Christine happily off to Japan where the men have grown tired (jaded?) of those elegant little Geisha girls and have instead unbelievably developed a yen for LA street hookers. Make mine a Geisha. Good luck. read
• 
  A Review of A Vanishing Breed
  A review of A Vanishing Breed
  by talfier1@comcast.net on 08/07/2009
  Mr. Klee's story is a good start to a longer work. The story seems to be coming from the point of view of a prostitute "superhero". The dialogue at times seems forced and at times is good in a more modern "hard-boiled" way. Some times the dialogue seems clever and sometimes not so clever. One other problem is that it almost seems like a feminist manifesto at times rather... Mr. Klee's story is a good start to a longer work.
  The story seems to be coming from the point of view of a prostitute "superhero".
  The dialogue at times seems forced and at times is good in a more modern "hard-boiled" way. Some times the dialogue seems clever and sometimes not so clever.
  One other problem is that it almost seems like a feminist manifesto at times rather than a story. I am not saying that prostitution should be legal or that it is not degrading to women but I think we need to be shown rather than have it merely stated. It sounds at times like you (or Jade) are standing on a soapbox. Maybe that is the goal here. I am not sure if the superhero angle is your ultimate goal but I am sure it is a different point of view that may be explored.
  Maybe a continuation of the story would show that the prostitutes are either beting killed or enslaved.
  I would also do another grammar check.
  I hope this has helped.
  Tom read
• 
  femme fatale
  A review of A Vanishing Breed
  by Leemanchee on 07/22/2009
  I feel as though this may be part of something bigger, or somehting else in mind. There was information missing that was needed to care for the character and the situation. There is a similar story on here called Night Justice. It has a similar feel. Only it executed better. The reason why, is the detail. If you could tell us more about the main character, why is she so... I feel as though this may be part of something bigger, or somehting else in mind. There was information missing that was needed to care for the character and the situation.
  
  There is a similar story on here called Night Justice. It has a similar feel. Only it executed better. The reason why, is the detail.
  
  If you could tell us more about the main character, why is she so pissed. What has happened to her?
  
  The scenes were even less detailed. I couldn't imagine myself in this world.
  
  CONCEPT: Female assassin/vengeance seeker. Trying to fathom out mysterious disappearances of prostitutes. She is led to a man responsible only to find out he isn't as evil as she first thought.
  
  It's not the most original of ideas. But it does have an A-Z route which works.
  
  CHARACTERS: Lacked depth. Cheshire/Jade was a good character, but we nothing about her. Only that for some reason she is intent on cleaning up the dark and dirty world of sex trafficking.
  
  The other characters also lacked depth, to the point they made small appearance at the end. Maybe there is more to follow?
  
  DIALOGUE: Good, you used it well. It didn't hinder the flow. Added some atmosphere to the situations.
  
  STORY: Straight and clean. It's cliche in many parts. Particular the female assassin style approach. It would have been nice to see the role explored in a different way, less Hollywood.
  
  STRUCTURE: Seemed okay, it was dialogue heavy in parts, but I didn't get caught by anything.
  
  OVERALL: Could be better. I felt detail and more action will help.
  
  Thanks for sharing, good luck. read
• 
  A Superhero for Women
  A review of A Vanishing Breed
  by DebraSwan on 06/09/2009
  I like the premise of this story. It's about time women had a superhero/villain looking out for them. I understand that a short story limits the character exploration somewhat, but it would have been good to perhaps do more set up with the main character to draw the reader in sooner. You might want to consider expanding the story - I could see a screenplay perhaps - about... I like the premise of this story. It's about time women had a superhero/villain looking out for them.
  I understand that a short story limits the character exploration somewhat, but it would have been good to perhaps do more set up with the main character to draw the reader in sooner. You might want to consider expanding the story - I could see a screenplay perhaps - about a superhero/villain, a cross between Catwomen and Wonder Woman, looking out for females everywhere. The slave trade with willing slaves could be a nice plot line with rich characters.
  There were a few spelling and grammar errors, althought the structure was good.
  I think Jade gave up to easily in the end with regard to saving her friend - or did she?? "Only the Shadow knows for sure". read
• 
  Great Character
  A review of A Vanishing Breed
  by Nekowrites on 05/27/2009
  I like the character of ‘Cheshire’ and the line ‘remember the grin’ has grown on me. My only real problem is with the stories structure and plotting. It seems more of an Issue #0 then a self contained story. I think the dialogue could use some work but not much just a refinement here or there. As a fan of superhero’s I would most certainly read more issues/stories of Cheshire... I like the character of ‘Cheshire’ and the line ‘remember the grin’ has grown on me. My only real problem is with the stories structure and plotting. It seems more of an Issue #0 then a self contained story. I think the dialogue could use some work but not much just a refinement here or there. As a fan of superhero’s I would most certainly read more issues/stories of Cheshire. I would love to see a second draft or even in later stories more detail describing the Character’s and the settings. All around I thought it was a great introduction to ‘Cheshire’ and I can’t wait for more. read