Reviews of All the Incorporated Dead People 4

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  social metaphors as well as my rants on the living dead
  A review of All the Incorporated Dead People
  by Point_and_shoot on 11/03/2012
  When it comes to the zombie genre there a pool of modern works in various media to choose from, and with this story: All the Incorporated, it is no different whether it is intentional or not. I like that the unfolding of the events played like a page in a larger story or a juncture within a screenplay. Did it ride? I’ll get to that bit. I found myself thinking of a video... When it comes to the zombie genre there a pool of modern works in various media to choose from, and with this story: All the Incorporated, it is no different whether it is intentional or not.
  
  I like that the unfolding of the events played like a page in a larger story or a juncture within a screenplay. Did it ride? I’ll get to that bit. I found myself thinking of a video game when it mentions he took a plunge into the deep elms or what-have-you. I could imagine a first person shooter.
  
  I love my metaphors as well as my rants. This had both so good work there. Are the zombies real or not I don’t know, they may as well be to the lead character. I found myself thinking of Goerge Romero when I was reading his inner thoughts reflect his social angst. The running line of CEO, CD’S was a little funny too.
  
  There is drama when he sees his dad, and there are twist. But why do these zombie films, stories always have to take place in the Deep South. Amen for 28 Days later.
  
  I think there is something for every sense in this short, especially the bit where he is near a pizzeria and discovers he has been bitten into as if like soft dough, eeek.
  
  So did it ride? Yeah when he boarded Sheila I’d say it did somewhat. Because of the incorporated metaphysical twist I’d say this was a little longer than needed. Nice effort all the same. read
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  Review of All the Incorporated Dead People
  A review of All the Incorporated Dead People
  by Hoggy on 10/22/2012
  I enjoyed this. It has a a visceral, frenetic style that reminded me of a pumped up version of The Walking Dead crossed with Sin City. The voice of the protagonist comes through clearly and is full of bile, hate and a kind of edgy cool vibe. You haven't tried to make to much happen plot wise and so there is a simple, no frills plot. The action is vivid and the descriptions... I enjoyed this. It has a a visceral, frenetic style that reminded me of a pumped up version of The Walking Dead crossed with Sin City. The voice of the protagonist comes through clearly and is full of bile, hate and a kind of edgy cool vibe. You haven't tried to make to much happen plot wise and so there is a simple, no frills plot. The action is vivid and the descriptions of the zombies is excellent. I did start to skim a little during the comparison rant looking at the similarities between the undead and the wall street/fake wannabes that currently fill our tv screens and gossip pages. I like the twist that he has been bitten and the fact that we don't see him turn, rather we just see his escape and subsequent ride off into the sunset to hopefully die a more honourable death.
  
  Good luck with any rewrites or future stories. read
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  Well Incorporated!
  A review of All the Incorporated Dead People
  by Wilsun on 10/09/2012
  This was a fine read. I found it interesting and it managed to keep me occupied (almost) till the end. The writer proves his talent of building the tensed atmosphere required for the genre, which this story belongs to. The lead and the only human character did feel human but was mostly explained through the author’s sweet voice. Using alternatives like some props or the environment... This was a fine read. I found it interesting and it managed to keep me occupied (almost) till the end. The writer proves his talent of building the tensed atmosphere required for the genre, which this story belongs to. The lead and the only human character did feel human but was mostly explained through the author’s sweet voice. Using alternatives like some props or the environment or perhaps some situations to do the same job would be a better choice.
  
  The story did a good job of capturing my attention from the first page itself. However, after page nine or let’s say page ten (because I felt it was still carrying some tension) the story just slipped. It took the road of being preachy or mocking certain aspects, which is not something that I would like to read while approaching the climax.
  
  I would have called this an excellent read if the page seven was to be page one. And the whole background built-up had been smoothly blended in between the smart page seven and equally brilliant page eight. It would have made it simply more fun to read. But this is only a suggestion and my perspective. Also, this story didn’t need sixteen pages.
  
  Overall, the writing is good, concept is smart but structure and length could be better. read
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  Some excellent description and action
  A review of All the Incorporated Dead People
  by johnregan on 09/30/2012
  All the Incorporated Dead People – suggestions by page Overall, this is not a bad piece of writing with some excellent nuggets. I made some suggestions and pulled out what I found to be the most effective chunks. Nice Job. Page 2 Make guardrail one word. Use who for people and that for things: Young studs who caught the bug soon looked no different than ninety-somethings... All the Incorporated Dead People – suggestions by page
  
  Overall, this is not a bad piece of writing with some excellent nuggets. I made some suggestions and pulled out what I found to be the most effective chunks.
  
  Nice Job.
  
  Page 2
  Make guardrail one word.
  Use who for people and that for things: Young studs who caught the bug soon looked no different than ninety-somethings who …
  
  Suggest breaking this long, run-on sentence into two leaner sentences:
  Apparently, during the few hours that the virus was actively striking out at humanity en mass some thirty months ago, a school bus driver cruising along the North Central Expressway interchange, had been stricken with the virus (or perhaps one of the students at the back of the bus had croaked, laid down, got up, and ripped the driver’s head off) thereby causing the vehicle to smash into the sign’s support beams.
  
  Page 3
  
  Avoid extra words and directional language such as down and let the reader deduce them. In this example I removed some extra words:
  
  Nobody knew what lurked in those ramshackle homes, tattoo parlors, gritty pubs, and vacant lots.
  
  Use thirty-foot drop
  
  Suggestion for brevity: Landing on the tar pizzeria roof, he edged to its northeast corner.
  
  I think “sense” is not the best word here. Maybe use “feel”
  Trees and rod-iron fencing gave the whole place a grim, gothic sense.
  
  Page 4
  I don’t grasp what the D and W stand for in FTWDW. Am I missing something?
  
  Add comma: At one time, it had been perfect for hoards of the homeless.
  
  Page 5
  I love these paragraphs. The writing is nimble and lean:
  
  Pad lightly on pavement. Watch for broken glass and rubble. They make noise when
  stepped on. And it’s best not to walk on grass at all.
  
  Conserve energy. Move with economy. Be light.
  
  Always have the close-quarters weapon of your choice easy to unleash—machete,
  hatchet, ax or baseball bat. Some preferred swords when available. Asian models were favorites for their weight and wielding capacity. The Samurai of Katana. Avoid snags or catches in the sheath or scabbard.
  
  Know your escape route. Devise alternates. Be smart.
  
  Well-done – you need more chunks like that.
  
  Page 6
  Make crawlspace one word.
  I like “lolled” here:
  A bead of sweat lolled down from his hairline. The day was hot, but this sweat was coming from a different place.
  Nice job
  
  Should this be wasn’t? Killing zombies wasn’t child’s play anymore.
  
  Page 7
  Excellent description here:
  As it did, a colony of growing things flumped out—little white things that squiggled and wiggled. Maggots. The creature’s head blew upward spraying tissue the color of wet cigarette ash against both walls of the alley. (Is flumped a word?)
  
  Suggestion for brevity:
  Fannin’s blood chilled. He aimed and pulled the trigger.
  
  Page 9
  If you expanded this sentence and wrote about the face and showed why and how it was feral instead of telling us with “feral hunger,” It would be much stronger:
  
  Its face showed nothing but a feral hunger.
  
  Ex: Its paper-thin ashen face screamed “feed me.”
  Ex: With bones nearly poking through the ashen skin, this face would satiate its hunger at any cost.
  
  Nice sentence: Another head exploded into colorless ribbons. ( I can see that and the image packs a wallop. Good writing here)
  
  Threshold is one word.
  
  Page 10
  Is this pane/pain pun intentional? The antique pane shattered into large triangles of razor pain that blossomed out into the empty space and fell toward the fetishing mongrels below. (also not sure if fetishing is a word)
  
  Page 11
  Add comma: Springing up, he unsheathed his machete ready to fend or attack.
  
  Use who here rather than that: The ones who muttled through, taking from the living, without emotion, without feeling, empty and void. (is muttled a word? Do you mean mottled?
  
  Page 15
  Guardrail = one word read