Reviews of Baby On Board 38

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  A Heavy Load -
  A review of Baby On Board
  by writermorris on 02/09/2013
  This was one of the most complete pieces of writing that I've read on TS - technically good and written with a sparse understated style. This sad tale of a man who has lost everything and now views life through the bottom of a tequila bottle was both sad and thoughtful. I was touched by both the bitterness and sadness of Jim who life has collapsed. Was the baby been thrown... This was one of the most complete pieces of writing that I've read on TS - technically good and written with a sparse understated style. This sad tale of a man who has lost everything and now views life through the bottom of a tequila bottle was both sad and thoughtful. I was touched by both the bitterness and sadness of Jim who life has collapsed. Was the baby been thrown overboard a metaphor for his life that has gone? I don't know, but this was powerful bleak writing that will linger with this reader for some time. I can't give you any advice because this was so good. I'm sure that better reviewers than me will find fault either with your subject matter or the lack of dialogue, but I thought it was just fine. Thank you for an interesting and enjoyable read. read
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  Murky but good ferry scene
  A review of Baby On Board
  by johnregan on 10/12/2012
  I live near Seattle and have taken many ferries and grew up in Massachusetts and took them there as well and I love ferries and I liked this story. I would change the Synopsis and perhaps the title to be more vague so the reader does not know what will happen (or won't happen) going in. The Synopsis and title kept distracting me but the story is good. The main character's... I live near Seattle and have taken many ferries and grew up in Massachusetts and took them there as well and I love ferries and I liked this story.
  
  I would change the Synopsis and perhaps the title to be more vague so the reader does not know what will happen (or won't happen) going in. The Synopsis and title kept distracting me but the story is good. The main character's depression and loss of love for life is coated figuratively and literally in alcohol.
  
  I liked the parts about getting old and loss of looks and things that make people happy on the surface. I could do without the references to the law firm of the jag (cliches) and instead prefer you draw and present the main character as he is. But these are just minor suggestions.
  
  Overall, the writing and story are strong. Good job.
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  Kept my attention to the last word
  A review of Baby On Board
  by Victoria-Lynne on 08/21/2011
  The writing style for this story reminded me of a person reminiscing and telling the tale out loud. This was because some sentences seemed to be missing conjunctions, and the profound use of commas also helps back up my theory. This writing style however, whether done on purpose or not is what kept me pulled in close to the screen to read more. The main character, Jim, had... The writing style for this story reminded me of a person reminiscing and telling the tale out loud. This was because some sentences seemed to be missing conjunctions, and the profound use of commas also helps back up my theory.
  
  This writing style however, whether done on purpose or not is what kept me pulled in close to the screen to read more.
  The main character, Jim, had a bitter yet honest view of the world which reminded me ever so slightly of Lester Burnham from 'American Beauty'.
  
  The gritty truth behind such simple ideas was portrayed so bluntly that it walked side by side with genius. One of my favourite examples of this was the sentence, "Put it through the wash enough times and everything looks like crap."
  
  This was a great story - perhaps with an ending that was a little too abrupt, but nonetheless still very enjoyable. read
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  Baby Overboard
  A review of Baby On Board
  by writer546 on 03/08/2011
  This story drew me in and then kept me interested the whole time. That's not an easy thing to do. I liked the way you interwove reality and non-reality. Although sometimes it was difficult to distinguish the two, which might've been what you were striving for. Maybe you shouldn't talk about his son as much or let the audience know that he doesn't stay in touch with him,... This story drew me in and then kept me interested the whole time. That's not an easy thing to do. I liked the way you interwove reality and non-reality. Although sometimes it was difficult to distinguish the two, which might've been what you were striving for. Maybe you shouldn't talk about his son as much or let the audience know that he doesn't stay in touch with him, that way it will keep the suspense of whether the son is still alive or not. Overall, it's a good read and I wish you luck with it. read
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  Carver on Board
  A review of Baby On Board
  by andrew james talbot on 02/28/2011
  A father watches, or seems to watch, a baby lost and recalls his own lost life, and youth, in 'Baby on Board.' For such a dark setting - in both mood and scenery - the story manages, through pace and narrative jumps to avoid the actual horror of the story. In fact, we are not entirely sure, as with the father - if such horror has occurred. When faced with such tragedy, the... A father watches, or seems to watch, a baby lost and recalls his own lost life, and youth, in 'Baby on Board.'
  
  For such a dark setting - in both mood and scenery - the story manages, through pace and narrative jumps to avoid the actual horror of the story. In fact, we are not entirely sure, as with the father - if such horror has occurred. When faced with such tragedy, the human mind is normally unable to comprehend it on first glance and must wait until savage reality becomes solid memory. What the story does well is compare the terror of a dumped baby with the terror of losing one's own existence into our past; our loves and lives as mysteriously lost as the happenings on a boat in the night.
  
  Stylistically, the story, as with countless others (it may simply be unavoidable now) is heavily influenced by the simple syntax of Checkov/Carver and there is perhaps too many sentences and paragraphs that start with 'He', which creates a list-like narrative that - if continually used - can become tiring for a reader.
  
  A brave and structurally intelligent piece. read
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  Baby on Board, Old Man bored
  A review of Baby On Board
  by johnturnbull on 02/14/2011
  This is a great little tale that is in the vein of the traditional short story – it starts in media res and has a conclusion that let's the reader ponder what really happened. The editing is tight and the word choice garners good reader flow. Well done. There are a few instances that made me put up some red flags: "He wondered if they had looked that young... " this reads... This is a great little tale that is in the vein of the traditional short story – it starts in media res and has a conclusion that let's the reader ponder what really happened. The editing is tight and the word choice garners good reader flow. Well done.
  
  There are a few instances that made me put up some red flags:
  
  "He wondered if they had looked that young... " this reads like the couple with the baby, not Jim and his wife. Same with the smoking. Use better word choice for clarity. You do this a few times, don't be afraid to differentiate by using "Jim" or "the young man".
  
  But that is minor when you consider the gems like:
  "He took a couple long pulls from the bottle, since it was open." Great line that says a lot about Jim.
  
  And:
  "It wasn’t enough that age took the color from your hair and your face, it stripped the taste from your tongue. It took the blood right out of your dick, made it a fucking chore to keep pumping life through the limbs. Death, he was sure, came not from the body giving out but from it giving up. His heart wouldn’t break. It would surrender. Cause of death: defeat." This is a great paragraph, and epitomizes the overall feel of the story. read
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  8 1/2ish
  A review of Baby On Board
  by ke.courier12 on 02/11/2011
  I don't know if you're familiar with Fellini's 8 1/2 but that's what your story reminded me of. I think the situation was interesting, the description was well done and it is interesting that the observations revealed more about your main character than about what he was seeing. However, before the doubt of whether or not the story is a dream, I felt that the main character... I don't know if you're familiar with Fellini's 8 1/2 but that's what your story reminded me of. I think the situation was interesting, the description was well done and it is interesting that the observations revealed more about your main character than about what he was seeing.
  
  However, before the doubt of whether or not the story is a dream, I felt that the main character was too passive.
  
  Also, while I didn't have a problem, I read it somewhere that short stories about dreams can be cliche. read
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  Big Things, Small Packages
  A review of Baby On Board
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 02/09/2011
  This isn't the first time YeahHi has impressed me. The first time around, it was with a bizarre roller rink scene populated by odd characters. This time, it was with astounding insight into human defeat and an absolute command of story telling technique, not to mention the ability to pack an intense, texturized drama into an economical six pages. I don't want to give any... This isn't the first time YeahHi has impressed me. The first time around, it was with a bizarre roller rink scene populated by odd characters. This time, it was with astounding insight into human defeat and an absolute command of story telling technique, not to mention the ability to pack an intense, texturized drama into an economical six pages.
  
  I don't want to give any of the story away to potential readers, but the character development is so astounding that I simply can't imagine that the lead was not inspired by a very real human being who is very close to the author. You can't just invent pragmatic pessimism like this.
  
  Favorite quote: "...if they knew how gorgeous they were,
  and how fleeting their beauty was, they’d never stop fucking."
  
  Laughs, raised eyebrows, and astonishment await. read
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  His heart wouldn’t break. It would surrender.
  A review of Baby On Board
  by MattyMustng on 02/07/2011
  I really really liked this. It was very well written, with great description, but not overly flowery or dense. You paint a nice picture, and you do a great job of making a little character story within just a few short pages. Jim was an interesting character, with all of his character being revealed through visuals, so it's a nice example of showing not telling. I liked the... I really really liked this. It was very well written, with great description, but not overly flowery or dense. You paint a nice picture, and you do a great job of making a little character story within just a few short pages.
  
  Jim was an interesting character, with all of his character being revealed through visuals, so it's a nice example of showing not telling. I liked the language of the writing, it's different; it's not formulaic or standard, but more free and flowing. More free form than formalism.
  
  Anyway, I just give it high marks, I liked it a lot. Quick little read, and a nice little story, with an ambiguity at the end, and plenty of subtext. Good by me. read
• 
  Review: Baby On Board
  A review of Baby On Board
  by Spools on 02/01/2011
  Jim’s liquored up delusions onset seamlessly in this portrayal of man meeting himself in shame. The self awareness of Jim, so able to see in the rearview mirror how he has degraded far from his assembled life, warps itself with the tormented recollections and mind bent episodes at play in his mind. Reason and truth interfere little with the story’s path toward the treachery... Jim’s liquored up delusions onset seamlessly in this portrayal of man meeting himself in shame. The self awareness of Jim, so able to see in the rearview mirror how he has degraded far from his assembled life, warps itself with the tormented recollections and mind bent episodes at play in his mind. Reason and truth interfere little with the story’s path toward the treachery laden in a man’s soul. This lonely quiet moment of normalcy gone astray well illustrates the haunting beset upon Jim in ever more frequent bouts of confrontation with a disturbed and insufficient life.
  
  The author’s well played details, down to the tequila shirttails, renders the scene so roundly in all states of mind that the momentum of the story’s decent slurs evocatively in the broad territories of mind, dock, and car seat. The clear voice is nearly at odds with the horrid comfort the main character nestles into at this juncture in his life. No time to stop, bring more Jim. The intimacy with which this story is understood, and portrayed, by the writer is surely just the beginning.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
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