Reviews of Bank Robbah 13

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  Review: Bank Robbah.
  A review of Bank Robbah
  by writermorris on 03/23/2013
  Firstly, what a great title, I'll give you a great compliment and steal it and use it in the future. Now to your story. I liked this a lot you can obviously write. This is a idea that has been used a lot by writers. Everyone would like to rob a bank! I enjoyed the voice of the robber who knew that life was basically crap and it's all going to end bad, so just let's do it! It's... Firstly, what a great title, I'll give you a great compliment and steal it and use it in the future. Now to your story. I liked this a lot you can obviously write. This is a idea that has been used a lot by writers. Everyone would like to rob a bank! I enjoyed the voice of the robber who knew that life was basically crap and it's all going to end bad, so just let's do it! It's hard to like a thief but you made your reader sympathise with him and that's great writing. By only problem was the ending which lacked any real closure, I would have been happy for him to be either shot dead or reconciled with his girlfriend ( Or both ) but I did feel a little cheated. Perhaps you could do a rewrite with a crisper ending. Well done. I enjoyed this. read
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  "Bank Robbah" review
  A review of Bank Robbah
  by tomasy on 01/06/2013
  My first question is what is the meaning of the spelling of the title, as well as the italics, bold face and underline? Made me think that there would be some meaning set forth in the story. It also made me think it was going to be set in England, which it's not. Odd choice that I'd personally reconsider. There are a lot of grammatical mistakes here. Use commas instead of... My first question is what is the meaning of the spelling of the title, as well as the italics, bold face and underline? Made me think that there would be some meaning set forth in the story. It also made me think it was going to be set in England, which it's not. Odd choice that I'd personally reconsider.
  
  There are a lot of grammatical mistakes here. Use commas instead of the dashes for bits like "-Deejay-" or "-boys ready to be men-". There appears to be many missing words, too. You need to do a thorough and intricate proofread. There are also a few awkward sentences, like "and only steel tables remain clean." Maybe change to "and only clean steel tables remain". Also, indent your paragraphs. This is a story, not a business form letter.
  
  Content:
  
  The first thing is the flipping around to different times and places. It was OK, but could be cleaner. Maybe delineate the differences better, maybe with a space between paragraphs or something.
  
  The robbery was in Michigan? What was the line about driving from California to Texas for this? I thought that was where the bank was. Is that where his dad is? Does the orange mean he's in prison? Confusing, needs clarification. You don't have to beat us over the head with details, but sometimes a writer can be WAY too ambiguous. This is one of those times.
  
  On page 5, the last paragraph is confusing. You start the paragraph with the main character in third grade, then he's falling in love midway through it? The see him three years, then four years wasn't enough to tell me the time was actually passing during this thought. So the line "I met Jean the next year" had me going, "What next year? Fourth grade? The seven years later?" Be more specific here.
  
  What was the house? If he wasn't told every detail, he'd still know what they were there for and could let us readers in on it. Pointless paragraph.
  
  I doubt someone is going to spend the money on coke and then try to make a line in a moving car, risking a bump that causes it to fly all over. Maybe have them take pills, instead.
  
  Your end is confusing. I had to go back over it multiple times before I understood that it was the same highway from the ice cream memory. Once again, the Texas/Michigan thing confuses things here. Maybe mention earlier that he grew up in Michigan. Not clear enough.
  
  "Just a few short, painful moments until it hits." Until what hits? Why are the moments painful? Is it because of the memories of the highway? If so, the unclear nature of it being the same one hurts you here, too. I actually thought you meant a car hit them. Do they get away? Not clear enough, either.
  
  Your story is decent, it just has these issues, in my eye. In a genre like crime, you want to have a clear end. Either they die, they get caught or they get away with it. Your voice is good, but the story needs work, especially a proofreader. read
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  A little hard to follow.
  A review of Bank Robbah
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 03/31/2012
  I think I get the basics of the story. I was just a little unclear on some of the details of the flashbacks. The synopsis states that he mulls over his entire immoral life while doing a bank robbery but some of the details of the flashbacks were actually of some fond memories and good memories about his life. There were some parts that were a little confusing for me. I thought... I think I get the basics of the story. I was just a little unclear on some of the details of the flashbacks. The synopsis states that he mulls over his entire immoral life while doing a bank robbery but some of the details of the flashbacks were actually of some fond memories and good memories about his life. There were some parts that were a little confusing for me. I thought the details were a little scattered in places, but as artists sometimes we just pour out onto paper what is in our heads and it just comes out like that. read
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  Lot of little mistakes
  A review of Bank Robbah
  by KSisk90 on 03/23/2012
  As for formatting you need to put your page number in the header. And you need to indent new paragraphs. Other than that it was easy to read and flowed well. I liked the opening paragraph, really grabbed my attention making me want to read more. Some things I noticed: At least the safe right in the middle. safe is right in the middle. When you have a character thinking,... As for formatting you need to put your page number in the header. And you need to indent new paragraphs. Other than that it was easy to read and flowed well.
  
  I liked the opening paragraph, really grabbed my attention making me want to read more.
  
  Some things I noticed:
  At least the safe right in the middle.
  safe is right in the middle.
  
  When you have a character thinking, you should italicize. Ex:
  I think to myself. Better that I turn around and keep pushing my sleeve until Mark arrives.
  
  Mark carries two three duffel bags.
  carries two or three.
  
  Instead, he walks up to vault and… sniffs.
  up to the vault
  
  What for means nothing – I grab a duffel bag...
  This line could be a little more clear.
  
  That was we she called our relationship – good times.
  Line seems strange.
  
  I told her it was because of who I was.
  Line could be more clear, maybe. I told her it was because its who I am.
  
  Yes. I want to scream that until my eyes are longer wet or until my mother doesn’t have to cry anymore.
  Line is unclear.
  
  I'm sure it's what you were going for, but the ending feels unresolved.
  
  Overall though a good story.
  
  Thanks for the read. read
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  Robbing & Reminiscing
  A review of Bank Robbah
  by Mike Wolfson on 03/06/2012
  Hi Jason, As an idea I like the set up of a bank robber distracted from his ‘work’ by personal issues. However, in its current state I think this needs a lot of work. Let’s look at the robbery first. There is no sense of danger or tension in the robbery, and it stems from character action. Character actions can be used in a myriad of ways, the most obvious being to define... Hi Jason,
  
  As an idea I like the set up of a bank robber distracted from his ‘work’ by personal issues. However, in its current state I think this needs a lot of work.
  
  Let’s look at the robbery first. There is no sense of danger or tension in the robbery, and it stems from character action. Character actions can be used in a myriad of ways, the most obvious being to define character traits, but they can also be used to set tension and build atmosphere. Your characters are casually drinking freezies, they’ve even got some burritos with them in case they fancy a snack. Are these really guys out on a heist job? The adrenaline should be flowing, nerves should be at their limit, and instead it’s all casual. Hence the lack of dramatic tension.
  
  You have scope for excitement with the missing getaway driver, but earlier our main character tells us he couldn’t care about the getaway driver. If a character doesn’t care about something, then you can bet the reader doesn’t either.
  
  I’m not keen on the nameless machine that opens a safe. This came across as a writer having watched a lot of films with devices that magically open bank vaults. Invent a name, even if it’s a character name – “We called the machine Mr.Smith, as in Locksmith” – You get the idea that’s just a cheesy example.
  
  Additionally, I’m struggling to see a machine that opens up a safe by inserting a needle; it doesn’t quite fit in the believability stakes.
  
  Scenes like bank robberies need to come across as believable, particularly in a story that has a human aspect, which brings to me the second half of the review.
  
  There are three characters involved in the flashback scenes. The first is the unnamed woman. We learn that our central character doesn’t love her, although she loves him. We also learn that she was seeing someone else, so now I’m not too sure if she does love him. If our central character doesn’t love her why is he thinking of her? Maybe it’s wounded pride that’s occurring, but to be honest I’m scratching my head. I’m not too sure what the intention was.
  
  The second character is the father and these were probably the best handled scenes in the story. As isolated scenes playing out they’re fine, but I’m not sure they quite have the emotional impact they should do. I think it’s because I’m neutral to the main character. I don’t like him, I don’t hate him, but I should have some form of an emotional attachment to him by the time the father scenes come along. It would help me – the reader – empathise / understand our main character.
  
  The third character is Jean. Inconsistencies killed this for me. Jean is his first love so the prose tells us. You then tell us that she never left him like so “many before.” I don’t know who the many are. Many is plural, the only other person leaving him is his father, so you lost me with the writing. Make sure all the sentences tie up otherwise the reader is left with confusion. Maybe you intended to say like so many ‘since’ – before indicates before Jean. If Jean never left him where is she now?
  
  Your formatting is non-standard that’s ok to some extent as this is a short story which allows you to break some of those rules. However, if you’re going to break what’s seen as standard rules make sure that everything else in your story is technically watertight, otherwise the reader might be left with the impression that maybe the writer doesn’t quite know their trade. The story is written with block paragraphs. The more traditional method is to indent paragraphs. You don’t scene transition, and yet this is a story with multiple flashbacks. Either further increase the spacing at the transition points or insert a visual break such as * * *.
  
  You’ve used a first person narrative to relate this story. I don’t want to put you off using first person – I’ve used it myself – but I would recommend that you consider whether it was the best choice for this story. A lot of writers dive into first person mistakenly thinking it’s an easier approach when it can be treacherous. One danger of first person is that the story is one person’s point of view. Therefore when you read lines like,
  
  “I don’t know if I ever truly meant those words, but she never left me like so many others had, and damned if I didn’t want someone to love me for a change.”
  
  you don’t actually know if it’s true, it’s purely that characters POV and maybe they’re just feeling sorry for themselves. This is partly why I had an issue with the first flashback scene.
  
  The most disappointing aspect is the ending. Nothing happens, everything remains the same. Structurally if you’re going to set this up with our main character asking questions like - “Who am I?” – those questions need to be answered by the end of the story. Instead the character remains exactly the same; there is no character arc.
  
  There is no reason why this can’t work but you have got to delve far deeper into character, I’m not convinced you fully know the character on the page. I need to empathise with this guy. If you want me liking, or supporting him, then I have to see him as one of life’s victims. If you want to have him as a total bad guy, if you’re trying to say that a guy like this never had a chance coming from his background then you’re going to have to dig much deeper into social issues. If a scene should be dramatic due to events taking place make them dramatic. Make sure all the sentences tie up, and ensure the POV creates exactly the effect you want it to without causing confusion for the reader.
  
  Good luck,
  
  Mike
  
  (Reading Notes)
  P.1 – “Her hair is beach blonde, and her mouth so tender to kiss… but I can’t think about.” - Two points i) The first part of the sentence is very cliché. ii) It’s an incomplete sentence. I think there should be a “her” after ‘about.’
  
  P.2 – “Mark carries two three duffel bags.” – Should it be ‘two or three’
  
  P.2 – “What for means nothing –“ - I don’t know what you’re trying to say.
  
  P.3 – “All three of us watch the door swing to its hinges…” – Should be ‘on its hinges’ or ‘swing open on its hinges.’
  
  P.4 – “I want to scream that until my eyes are longer wet…” should be ‘are no longer wet’
  
  P.4 – “She just keeps staring at and…” should be ‘staring at me and…’
  
  P.5 – “the way the car bumped and shuttered.” Shuttered? I think it should be ‘stuttered’ or ‘shuddered.’
  
  P.5 – “He took me to my mother’s and…” Should be ‘mother’ or you add in another word so it reads ‘mother’s house’ read
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  For the love of noir
  A review of Bank Robbah
  by kashan on 03/06/2012
  Crimes and sins of love are the newest entrant into the short story writing genres but have far outnumbered the rest. Keeping this volume explosion in mind, one wants a new story to be imaginative, unique and zany. Bank Robbah just misses the boat but not by much. The darkness is pervasive and the questions abundant. In fact, the story starts with the all important one, "Who... Crimes and sins of love are the newest entrant into the short story writing genres but have far outnumbered the rest. Keeping this volume explosion in mind, one wants a new story to be imaginative, unique and zany. Bank Robbah just misses the boat but not by much.
  
  The darkness is pervasive and the questions abundant. In fact, the story starts with the all important one, "Who am I?". The inner turmoil and recollections of the past are well episoded, each beginning like a memory and fading into reality. The plot being a heist is very evident right from the beginning and this somehow kills the darkness a bit. We have all seen and heard about a million bank robbers before. And this one is not that different. The love and hatred of his past are interesting, but perhaps a little too short to sink in. And this is the irony really, as a reader one wants more but is left to the faculty of his imagination. Commendable in a sense but not whetting the appetite enough!
  
  The structure is a delight. Constant shunting between past and present make the best crime noir read. Truly inspiring for any film maker or screenplay writer out there. read
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  To Be, or Not to Be
  A review of Bank Robbah
  by MagnoliaMoon on 02/05/2012
  MagnoliaMoon’s Free Will Review of “Bank Robbah”, a short story written by Jason Rose. “Bank Robbah,” the title, should drop the Bold emphasis on ‘robbah.’ If there is anyone who does not understand the dialect, the story should explain, but emphasis on the word ‘robbah’ is an unnecessary trinket that diminishes the possibilities. This short story opens as follows: Who... MagnoliaMoon’s Free Will Review of “Bank Robbah”, a short story written by Jason Rose.
  
  “Bank Robbah,” the title, should drop the Bold emphasis on ‘robbah.’ If there is anyone who does not understand the dialect, the story should explain, but emphasis on the word ‘robbah’ is an unnecessary trinket that diminishes the possibilities.
  
  This short story opens as follows:
  
  Who am I?
  
  I’m asking myself this question when I should be focusing. But let’s face it, more importantly, let’s just say fuck it: who am I? What am I doing? Am I going somewhere or am I staying put? I’ve realized these are the questions I have begun to ask myself, and I realize that I probably shouldn’t since I’m staring at a vault that could easily be wire tripped in a moment’s notice.
  
  I am reviewing this story as a free will review in response to the writer’s invitation. It will not count against or for the submission at all. Reviews are required to offer constructive criticism, and that is my intent. Therefore (I have worked in the legal profession FAR too long), this review will offer frank, constructive criticism.
  
  Writers have to have thick skins because it is my understanding that if one aims for publication or option or fame, and glory and all the trimmings, the skin must be very tough:
  
  The opening of this short story is a large hurdle to overcome, a very shaky start to any story because it suffers from adverb-itis to the point of near death. The first-person present tense narrative voice rules the roost where these adverbs perch:
  
  ‘I’m asking myself this question when I should be focusing.’
  
  What? And, then:
  
  “But let’s face it, more importantly, let’s just say fuck it: who am I? What am I doing? Am I going somewhere or am I staying put?”
  
  Frankly, darlin’, I don’t give a damn. It reads like a personal problem, to me.
  
  “I’ve realized these are the questions that I have begun to ask myself . . .
  
  “to ask” ?? Why didn’t you write “asking”? That would have been more apt given the box-full of adverbs preceding that sentence.
  
  “. . . and I realize that I probably shouldn’t since I’m staring (HEAVEN HELP!) at a vault that could easily be wire tripped in a moment’s notice.”
  
  Correct, just like a good story can bee wire-tripped by the opening paragraph.
  
  In the paragraph following the opening one, the writer opens up with a crisp style and the main character’s first-person voice firmly in place. The paragraph is strong and advances the story at a good pace. With the single flare-up of adverb-it is in the last sentence, the second paragraph of “Bank Robbah” reads as if someone else grabbed the laptop. Consider this alternative for the last sentence, and ‘listen’ to the difference in action when adverbs are buried alive:
  
  “That is why each of us wears a watch and sip on extra-large Freezies from the seven eleven down the street.’
  
  Pg 2 - I start studying the room. At least the safe right in the middle. What you have here are two problems that pop up throughout the story: 1. Another adverb that could so easily be ‘I study the room,’ and a sentence fragment – ‘At least the safe right in the middle.’ Combine the two. ‘I study the room, at least the safe in the middle.’
  
  Look for examples like those above. If you run across a word ending in ‘ing’ that is not part of dialogue, re-think the sentence structure, the ACTION you convey quite in other parts of the story.
  
  There are typos and edit mistakes. Read the story as if it is your Last Will & Testament. For example, at Pg. 2: Mark carries two three duffel bags.’
  
  Now, to the story and its spine:
  
  “Bank Robbah” is narrated by the main character in first-person-limited, present tense. The main character is a tortured man with a lot of self-doubt, distrust, and personal musings as he prepares to rob a bank. The character experiences flashbacks of self-doubt and self-loathing as the bank heist occurs.
  
  I am a believer in protagonist/antagonist conflict in creative writing. A writer should give the reader someone (or thing) with whom to identify and like, and another person (or thing) who stands in the protagonist’s way. “Bank Robbah” does neither.
  
  The story is written in a stream of consciousness style that is difficult to manage and construct in a story that moves a reader to embrace one character over another, or care what happens to any one of them.
  
  There are repeated recollections of the main character that should add to the understanding of the man, but instead, confuse and confound. The story simply changes course and subject too many times in seven short pages. Thus, therein lies the potential problems with “Bank Robbah.” The story should be lengthened and revised so that the reader ‘knows’ the nameless main character’s motivations, his pain, and his need for love.
  
  The premise of “Bank Robbah” is not unique, but the writing of it certainly could be if the writer slows down the impetus to ‘just write’ and takes care to construct a well-told tale. I believe this writer has the ability to pull a story into a nice package, he simply needs to be diligent and – patient.
  
  read
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  Sympathy for the Robber
  A review of Bank Robbah
  by cmcwittig on 02/03/2012
  What an inventive short story this is! Bank Robbah, a brief short story, tells the tale of a bank robber who has a crisis of conscience in the midst of a job. The author creates tension during the first person narration by suggesting the narrator's lack of focus could botch the job. Indeed, the author makes the narrator's doubt credible. I even began to wonder what the narrator... What an inventive short story this is! Bank Robbah, a brief short story, tells the tale of a bank robber who has a crisis of conscience in the midst of a job. The author creates tension during the first person narration by suggesting the narrator's lack of focus could botch the job. Indeed, the author makes the narrator's doubt credible. I even began to wonder what the narrator was doing there. He is not the wheel man. He looks down on the wheel man. Then the wheel man disappears. Neither does the narrator crack the safe. That is done by another member of the crew.
  
  Through the narrator's own doubt and his role as ancillary -- and possibly subordinate -- member of the crew, the author shows the folly in a life of crime. But not in the way you might think. The narrator's family falls apart, and he loses part of his soul. Ultimately, he is a professional, however, and the crew pulls off the job, but the psychic damage in this case is already done. I thought that was an effective use of the first-person POV in this story.
  
  The language in the short story is straightforward and totally hard-boiled. It reads like a true crime vignette, which in this case is a good thing. I liked it, and I wanted to read more. read
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  Good enough that I wanted more.
  A review of Bank Robbah
  by vieira4 on 01/29/2012
  First of all, I really like the premise, and the sense of drama. I like the way you make everybody sympathise with an immoral protagonist - I love that kind of thing. I know that by definition, short stories are short, and it's good to write a story that leaves people wanting more. It was slightly frustrating not to be able to know whether the guys got away with it and what... First of all, I really like the premise, and the sense of drama. I like the way you make everybody sympathise with an immoral protagonist - I love that kind of thing.
  I know that by definition, short stories are short, and it's good to write a story that leaves people wanting more. It was slightly frustrating not to be able to know whether the guys got away with it and what they did with the money... Perhaps you could use this as the first chapter of a novel which goes forward to how the guy lives after getting the money, and back to his past, until all the gaps are filled in? Or maybe you like teasing us :D There were a couple of tiny grammar errors like using "continue on", but I think when you're inside someone's head, that doesn't matter - a bank robber doesn't have to think like an English professor, after all. I got lost in a couple of places 'cos I didn't understand the metaphors you were trying to use (arthritis in his hands?), but I believe that good stories often contain little bits that flummox others, because nobody's going to think exactly the way you do. Plus, I might just find myself drifting back to it in ten years' time and thinking, "Oh... THAT'S what he meant!" read
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  An Empty Vault
  A review of Bank Robbah
  by mpet on 01/27/2012
  Unfortunately I think this story needs a lot of work with regards to presentation and execution. There could be potential in the idea but the story seems disjointed and needs to be fleshed out. Your lead feels flat, two dimensional at best, and his questioning who he is, isn't enough to garnish interest in his plight. You talk about his father and a lost love but we have... Unfortunately I think this story needs a lot of work with regards to presentation and execution. There could be potential in the idea but the story seems disjointed and needs to be fleshed out.
  
  Your lead feels flat, two dimensional at best, and his questioning who he is, isn't enough to garnish interest in his plight. You talk about his father and a lost love but we have no idea why these things way heavy on his mind at this particular time.
  
  Your synopsis says, "entire life" but we only witness two life events, father and girlfriend. It might make the story more interesting if you broadened your focus to include the entire life. But each event explored needs to tell us something significant about personality or experience, something that helps answer the question - Who am I?
  
  You promise depth by posing the question - Who am I?- but the story is significantly lacking in depth. You need to explore this character more. What circumstances have led to this life of crime? Is this is first job? His last job? What is significant about it to make him think of what could have been? How did his lost relationship or the relationship with his father effect what he became? There are just so many questions you need to ask yourself to round out this character, to make us care about him, to make us wonder.
  
  I hope my notes will be helpful in some way. read