Reviews of Better Than I Am 12

• 
  interesting character-based narrative
  A review of Better Than I Am
  by asankagurusinghe on 06/21/2012
  This story was pretty compelling, about an introspective young man looking back at a childhood betrayal. It portrays relatively innocent children corrupted by their environment, driven to cruelty and violence. It kept me interested until the end and had an interesting conclusion. I liked that the main character had some shading and was capable of good and bad. As a criticism,... This story was pretty compelling, about an introspective young man looking back at a childhood betrayal. It portrays relatively innocent children corrupted by their environment, driven to cruelty and violence. It kept me interested until the end and had an interesting conclusion. I liked that the main character had some shading and was capable of good and bad.
  
  As a criticism, I would say there were some word-choices that jarred e.g. "tenuous" on the first page- what do you mean by tenuous in this context? "Untreated pubic lice" was a bit of an odd juxtaposition that came out quite funny. "Plopped" next to her on page 3 would sound better as "perched" or "sat". Green eyes that were difficult to look away from could be rephrased as striking green eyes. Inter-turmoil I'm not sure is a word- maybe you mean internal turmoil? Also "tense mixture", I'm not sure what you mean by this. I think you mixed up tenses a few times, was this deliberate? read
• 
  Better Than I Am
  A review of Better Than I Am
  by montana malone on 05/27/2012
  Your opening paragraph invited me into your world and transported this reader into that very room; inhaling the odd, yet vile, combination of cat urine and perfume. I saw that woman before me and felt her rough hands. Indeed, your three opening paragraphs were emotionally charged, visual and compelling. General comments: "H-h-h-h-ello", Toby says, blushing. Melanie does not... Your opening paragraph invited me into your world and transported this reader into that very room; inhaling the odd, yet vile, combination of cat urine and perfume. I saw that woman before me and felt her rough hands. Indeed, your three opening paragraphs were emotionally charged, visual and compelling.
  
  General comments: "H-h-h-h-ello", Toby says, blushing. Melanie does not respond but with a subtle smile. Maybe, “Melanie responds with a subtle smile.” Consider her subtle smile as a response…
  
  Might shortening the overall length make it even more compelling than it already is?
  
  The writing is strong and a most appropriate moral driven story as pertinent 50 years ago and even more so today. Imagining that one could relive and change what happened before in their life was inspirational. Look forward to reading more of your work. Best, Montana read
• 
  Inescapable Regrets ...
  A review of Better Than I Am
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 05/02/2012
  This author clearly has an excellent command of the short story. I felt this a good story of self-discovery. And, the regrets that inevitably befall us all at various points in our life. I enjoyed how the author tackled a very sensitive topic. It isn't easy conveying the depth of despair disabled children face when placed in the 'normal' school system (yes, I hesitated... This author clearly has an excellent command of the short story. I felt this a good story of self-discovery. And, the regrets that inevitably befall us all at various points in our life.
  
  I enjoyed how the author tackled a very sensitive topic. It isn't easy conveying the depth of despair disabled children face when placed in the 'normal' school system (yes, I hesitated when using the word normal). It is really a sink or swim situation. I think the author provided good insights into the challenges children, perceived as outsiders, face.
  
  The story felt a bit 'held back' though. A bit detached from expressing the blatant, cruel reality of the situation. To be ostracized repeatedly (day in and day out) leaves scars that can never heal.
  
  I found the ending to 'happily ever after' for me, given the subject material. And what of the suffering of Melanie's character? Personally, I'd be more inclined to leave the story less neatly wrapped up and more ambiguous. Giving more attention to the grades of grey that we all live under and the struggles of coming to terms with regret. Maybe give the readers an opportunity to construct their own meaning making and points of story that naturally derive from reading about the messy shadows of life?
  
  I felt that the story might have felt more authentic if perhaps the telling of the story wove between hearing the gypsy woman speak and the main character having flashbacks, of sorts.
  
  Overall, though, it was an eloquent story that touched on a topic often hidden away. I appreciated the authors use of language and courage in addressing a sensitive issue. read
• 
  A View into the World of Child Bullying
  A review of Better Than I Am
  by James Moriarty on 05/02/2012
  The writer states that "a child can be a cruel creature." She gives the reader a insightful and sympathic view into the world of children bullying one another. Many other writers have done the same...and most readers have experienced bullying in their own lives. What makes this story unique is that it creatively offers the protagnist a second chance...a chance to stand up... The writer states that "a child can be a cruel creature." She gives the reader a insightful and sympathic view into the world of children bullying one another.
  
  Many other writers have done the same...and most readers have experienced bullying in their own lives. What makes this story unique is that it creatively offers the protagnist a second chance...a chance to stand up to the bully.
  
  And he does, but he also experiences the physical pain that a bully can inflict on another child who stands up to him. Inflicting physical pain is one of the means that a bully uses to hold his position in the dominance hierarchies that primates organize themselves. Politicians like Speaker Newt Gingrich use verbal insults to assert their positions in the political dominance hierarchies.
  
  Adults can be cruel creatures...just like children. read
• 
  Bullying Can Backfire!
  A review of Better Than I Am
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 05/01/2012
  GREAT. It shows how a boy with a disability can show bullies that its not right to make fun of people that look innocent. It teachea how you should never underestimate the power of a defenseless child, because you never know what could happen. Toby is now one of my inspirations because he has power. Absolutely loved this short story. Loved it. I think it woild be even better... GREAT. It shows how a boy with a disability can show bullies that its not right to make fun of people that look innocent. It teachea how you should never underestimate the power of a defenseless child, because you never know what could happen. Toby is now one of my inspirations because he has power. Absolutely loved this short story. Loved it. I think it woild be even better if we got to see more of Melanie's story though. Where is she now? Has she gotten better? read
• 
  A Second Chance
  A review of Better Than I Am
  by gulfcoastomega on 04/29/2012
  This was an interesting story Toby and Melanie were childhood friends. Toby's decision one fateful day not to help Melanie has led him to a lifetime of regret. Toby was able to go back in time and right his wrong and subsequently cure his stuttering. My only comment with regard to story structure is with the point of view that the story is told from. This story originally... This was an interesting story
  Toby and Melanie were childhood friends.
  Toby's decision one fateful day not to help Melanie has led him to a lifetime of regret.
  Toby was able to go back in time and right his wrong and subsequently cure his stuttering.
  
  
  My only comment with regard to story structure is with the point of view
  that the story is told from.
  
  This story originally starts out in first-person "I'll tell you..." (told by Toby) but then switches to third person narration "Toby stumbled through his childhood.." (told by someone else).
  The story then continues to the end in third person. This is something to watch out for as these types of transitions are tricky. I would say to pick one POV and keep it through out the story.
  
  
  I like this story it was written with good description and painted a picture of misfit cildren being tormented by bullies. read
• 
  Wonderful
  A review of Better Than I Am
  by The_Stoic on 04/28/2012
  I really enjoyed the opening. The words you chose instantly gave me a visual of who this fortune teller was. The characters were well developed and I could empathize with their situation. Toby was a unique character and wanted to do the right thing and it was shown in the story. And this was shown by his actions, not by narrative, which was a plus. I enjoyed the flashback... I really enjoyed the opening. The words you chose instantly gave me a visual of who this fortune teller was. The characters were well developed and I could empathize with their situation. Toby was a unique character and wanted to do the right thing and it was shown in the story. And this was shown by his actions, not by narrative, which was a plus. I enjoyed the flashback and found that very interesting. The dialogue was good and different for each character. I like the theme of the story—redemption. Overall, it is a well-written story. Good job!
  
  The Stoic read
• 
  Review of Better Than I Am
  A review of Better Than I Am
  by lrees on 04/26/2012
  Your writing style is very poetic without being too obtrusive to the story. I like the end message of Toby being responsible for his own problems. I think the jumping around between tenses didn't really work here. When you make a choice like that, it has to be for a reason or help the story, and I didn't really feel like it did here. You also jump from first-person at the... Your writing style is very poetic without being too obtrusive to the story. I like the end message of Toby being responsible for his own problems.
  
  I think the jumping around between tenses didn't really work here. When you make a choice like that, it has to be for a reason or help the story, and I didn't really feel like it did here.
  
  You also jump from first-person at the beginning to third person, which I though was because the woman was telling a story, but then when you go back to the scene, it's still in third person. I don't know if it was deliberate, if it was I don't feel like it really worked.
  
  I don't really see Toby's motivation for throwing the ball at Melanie. I didn't feel like he wanted to be friends with Michael, because he had found such a good friend in Melanie. I would make it clearer earlier on that he really wants to be friends with Michael, instead of just explaining it in the moment, so that the decision is actually a tough one.
  
  In general I feel like you "tell" too much instead of "showing." I would work more with individual scenes and let the actions tell the story instead of the narration. read
• 
  Beautifully haunting
  A review of Better Than I Am
  by karlasbryant on 04/25/2012
  Better Than I Am is an amazingly moving story for such a short space. The writer captures the fragility of two very different children with special needs and the brutality of bullying. The characters were so real and I cared so much about them, that my heart pounded as indignities were thrown at them and especially as one made a very poor choice. At the heart of the story... Better Than I Am is an amazingly moving story for such a short space.
  
  The writer captures the fragility of two very different children with special needs and the brutality of bullying. The characters were so real and I cared so much about them, that my heart pounded as indignities were thrown at them and especially as one made a very poor choice.
  
  At the heart of the story is: if we can't change the past, can we ever truly forgive ourselves for having made a grievously bad decision? If we could change our actions, would our futures be different?
  
  A very thoughtful and well-written look at a difficult world. It was a pleasure to read and I thank you for sharing it. I look forward to reading more of your work. read
• 
  nice story, but...
  A review of Better Than I Am
  by Thomassharkey on 04/25/2012
  To be honest, I am not a lover of first person present tense narratives. A story is supposed to be something that has happened, so how can one write in present tense? Everybody knows or should know, that every sentence has a start, a middle and an end, otherwise it is incomplete, in other words it doesn't 'say' what it was suppposed to say. Every paragraph is the same, every... To be honest, I am not a lover of first person present tense narratives. A story is supposed to be something that has happened, so how can one write in present tense?
  
  Everybody knows or should know, that every sentence has a start, a middle and an end, otherwise it is incomplete, in other words it doesn't 'say' what it was suppposed to say. Every paragraph is the same, every chapter too, which means every story must follow the same rule.
  
  Everyone likes to be innovative when writing,[adj using or showing new methods, ideas, etc. But this can backfire when using 'the appropriate word' that the author searched for in the thesaurus in order to impress the reader. In this FP, PT narrative, I found quite a number of short, convoluted and wordy, incomplete, and/or wrongly constructed sentences; plus the usage of uncommon nouns and adverbs, which did little to elaborate this jumble of words.
  Insensate instead of inanimate or unawareness.
  Tricky dichotomy instead of acute or total difference.
  The errors are counless, and correct punctuation is lacking. Dashes are used where no practiced author would dream of using them. Clumsy-little? All-star-has-been...
  Slight-squished?
  Other bloopers:IN the soccer field. Blonde is a noun. Ponding is not a recognised word.Fall into?
  This writer does not understand the use of the word BUT.
  
  This short story needs quite a lot of work before it will be perfect, that is if the writer is aiming for perfection, for excellence.
  
  Start by using past perfect, that is what it's there for.
  
  Best of luck and I hope this helps. read