Reviews of Blowguns and Boy Bands 11

• 
  Nice Title
  A review of Blowguns and Boy Bands
  by mnjones on 11/08/2010
  I found this an intersting read, but also had to read parts of over seceral times to make sense of it. I felt that the writer just let words flow in a creative rush to create a first draft and hasn't gotten around to editing. Page 3, "...she asked Jim and I..." Lim and me. Page 4, "...I watched Jim slam his head on the hood getting in with satisfaction," Jim's getting... I found this an intersting read, but also had to read parts of over seceral times to make sense of it. I felt that the writer just let words flow in a creative rush to create a first draft and hasn't gotten around to editing.
  
  Page 3, "...she asked Jim and I..." Lim and me.
  
  Page 4, "...I watched Jim slam his head on the hood getting in with satisfaction," Jim's getting in with satisfation?
  
  Page 5 "...Jim and I's cellmate..." Sounds awakward. Why not say, "our cellmate"?
  
  Page 6, How does Paul know so much about Bea's personal life? How does he know the doctor treating her in an Atlanta hospital has "a voice like a television game show host?
  
  Page 7, "unimpounded it"?
  
  Page 8, "...shot like a jolt (of) lightening..."
  --of is missing; Lightning is misspelled.
  
  Page 9, From here on I found it pretty confusing. Why'd the valedictorian girl, the only female willing to speak to Jim, call him a "fat face"? Who is Todd. Who is Todd's dad?
  
  This needs some work on sentence structure and for clarity.
  
  Good luck. read
• 
  Doing what teenagers do.
  A review of Blowguns and Boy Bands
  by djburke on 10/16/2010
  blow guns and boy bands. This is a brief snapshot of teenagers doing what they do. There is sex, fights, drinking and incidents with the police. It was written well enough with clear language and explanations as to what was happening. I could follow what was happening, to whom and it all felt real. I never really connected to any of the characters and didn't really care what... blow guns and boy bands.
  
  This is a brief snapshot of teenagers doing what they do. There is sex, fights, drinking and incidents with the police. It was written well enough with clear language and explanations as to what was happening. I could follow what was happening, to whom and it all felt real. I never really connected to any of the characters and didn't really care what happened to any of them. Even the girl getting pregnant through sleeping around and having an abortion didn't raise much sympathy. I think you could improve this maybe by making it more a love story between the main character and the girl, maybe they keep the baby at the last minute and set up home together. Maybe we could find about them all later, what happened to them. Past problems healed, I am a sucker for a happy ending.
  
  
  This story is listed as comedy/drama, I see the drama but did see any humour in it as all.
  
  read
• 
  REALISTIC
  A review of Blowguns and Boy Bands
  by yaja on 06/03/2010
  The main thing I liked about the story was the great character descriptions (especially Jim!) There were lots of nice little sub-plots going on which is usually the way in life. Each character had just enough 'meat' on their bones to make them believable but not boring or irrelevant. I particularly liked the woman in the cell, wearing a secquined blouse who stank of sour milk!... The main thing I liked about the story was the great character descriptions (especially Jim!)
  There were lots of nice little sub-plots going on which is usually the way in life.
  Each character had just enough 'meat' on their bones to make them believable but not boring or irrelevant.
  I particularly liked the woman in the cell, wearing a secquined blouse who stank of sour milk! (what a lovely vision!!!)
  And the vomit scene between Paul and Gina was made bearable (for me anyway who's a bit squeamish about such things!) because it was written with humour and pathos. The tiny detail of Gina's glove compartment having glitttery nail varnish and photos circled with hearts was a lovely little vignette into her life and revealed how she was obviously still too immature for motherhood.
  Very Trainspotting feel to that.
  Written in the 1st person, the story still had the ability to keep the flow and interest going.And the sub-plot with Officer Bea was very good also although I was slightly confused at to her fate...was she framed? I presumed so because of the prejudice against her at her work-place. Very nice picture painted of her initial introduction into the story.
  '....precision in her step....' showed us what an eager and determined an Officer she for many reasons.
  And the ending song which sums up perfectly I think, the youthful outlook on life which is both casual and critical. read
• 
  Could use some polishing
  A review of Blowguns and Boy Bands
  by CultHero on 09/17/2009
  The story was interesting but I noticed quite a few places where the sentence structure could be improved. Some of the wording is a little confusing but nothing a little polishing can't fix. I also noticed a little trouble with the formatting, the tab indent seems too long and there are paragraphs where the indent has been forgotten. The quote you use is actually "What we have... The story was interesting but I noticed quite a few places where the sentence structure could be improved. Some of the wording is a little confusing but nothing a little polishing can't fix.
  I also noticed a little trouble with the formatting, the tab indent seems too long and there are paragraphs where the indent has been forgotten.
  The quote you use is actually "What we have here is a failure to communicate."
  All in all not a bad story, though it could use a revision. read
• 
  Musings on life
  A review of Blowguns and Boy Bands
  by chessaol on 08/27/2009
  The story is about the adventures of a young man. The writing is semi rich and the author attempts to describe every action or thing that takes place. This is good, what isn't good is that the information tends to come after the action. There is also a tendancy to just drop information bombs. There is no rhyme or reason for the information it is as if God just wanted us... The story is about the adventures of a young man.
  
  The writing is semi rich and the author attempts to describe every action or thing that takes place. This is good, what isn't good is that the information tends to come after the action.
  
  There is also a tendancy to just drop information bombs. There is no rhyme or reason for the information it is as if God just wanted us to know so the information is dumped into the story.
  
  There are numerous problems with this story and I will detail some of them.
  
  Misquote: "what we have here is a PROBLEM = failure, to communicate."
  
  No holding cell in the United States holds women and men together. Is this jail foreign or is this another failure to research?
  
  Phone call: no clue what is going on or being communicated. This was very poorly written.
  
  Weird scene: We got drunk,I threw up, she threw up, I called an ambulance for her.
  For a throw up??? Did something else happen that we weren't privy to?
  
  When the school found out what Gina did they suspended her for a week?
  What did she do? Throw up? Got drunk? got pregnant? poorly written.
  
  I don't like to do English teacher reviews so I will stop. The story needs serious revision. The rewrite should concentrate on the structure of the story. The writing style is good enough, the author used good descriptions and tries to fill in backgrounds for characters and events. The lack of a cohesive storyline ruins the attempt.
  
  The information needs to be submitted to the reader in an organized way that makes sense. The information shouldn't be dropped from the sky! There needs to be a vehicle for presentation of facts, many authors use dialogue to transmit information vital to the story. I feel that the writers style would lend itself easily to a dialogue driven format.
  
  If the author finds himself with an event that needs to be explained he shouldn't explain after the fact. Rewrite the paragraphs and seperate the buildup for the event from the actual event.
  
  The spell checker was used and grammar and syntax were in order. The sentences were maintained but paragraphs weren't.
  
  Paragraphs deleniates between ideas. The event and the background for the event usually aren't in the same paragraph. This leads to clarity which this story badly needs.
  
  The rules on this are unclear, dialogue seperates into paragraphs each time a new person speaks, period! Ideas can be organized so the explaination overlaps. There must be MUST BE clear distinctions between now and other times. The author misses this concept frequently.
  
  Did I like the story? No?
  The concept was good and the action was good. The complete mismash of a presentation caused me to reread the story five times to make sense enough out of it to complete a reveiw. That I didn't like.
  
  read
• 
  Blowguns and Boy Bands - reviewed
  A review of Blowguns and Boy Bands
  by Leemanchee on 07/20/2009
  In all honesty I found this story a little dis-jointed. Mainly because of the tenses. You start with a moment of action and interest. BUT, you give everything away in the first paragraph. We know why he punches Jim, and that they get bailed by Gina. So it was all to be expected. CONCEPT: Two guys get busted for possessing a blowgun. Then Gina bails em out. Jim gets punched... In all honesty I found this story a little dis-jointed. Mainly because of the tenses. You start with a moment of action and interest. BUT, you give everything away in the first paragraph. We know why he punches Jim, and that they get bailed by Gina. So it was all to be expected.
  
  CONCEPT: Two guys get busted for possessing a blowgun. Then Gina bails em out. Jim gets punched and Gina tries to top herself.
  
  I think it needs to ironed out. What is the core story? Is it a love story? A comedy? a drama? For me it would make a very funny comedy, only nothing made me laugh.
  
  Two losers pulled over for something stupid. People getting raped by inmates. People vomming on eachother. Funny in essence, but you didn't go deep enough with it.
  
  It seemed trapped between drama and comedy. Making it neither dramatic nor funny.
  
  CHARACTER: Not to bad. Paul the narrator seemed to know everything about everyone. He wasn't loser enough, what actually made him a loser? Jim, was no doubt an idiot, but this was your opportunity to really exaggerate the humor. Gina was good, I felt you got her nailed.
  
  DIALOGUE: It was okay, it didn't break the pace or confuse matters. This for me is the time to add the comedy. It will aid the character development. Look at the best comedies of this type, the Superbads of the world. These guys are losers, and you can tell when they speak, let alone looking at them.
  
  STORY: It was okay, different to see a guy end up with his step sister. I think it has been done before though. How would the parents react, how funny that could be. Maybe that could be the reason for the split up.
  
  The story was disturbed by the large dollops of back story thrown in. You need to try and wind it in, without it being so obvious. Having it break the main story loses my interest.
  
  It has the right ingredients, just needs re-wiring. And if it's a comedy, make it funny.
  
  STRUCTURE: As above, it jumps about. Blend the flow. With a short it needs to be fairly straight. Grammar and punctuation seemed okay. Some dialogue was confusing. I think Jim was speaking, and the line of text after referred to the cop.
  
  OVERALL: At the moment its a little dis-jointed for me. Also lacks enough funny situations and dialogue. The right ingredients are here for a bigger, funnier emotional piece.
  
  OTHER THINGS:
  
  Would they be taken in so aggressively for having a blow gun. It would have been funnier if Jim had it on him. Then the cop draws his weapon, over the top like.
  
  Also they leave with the blowgun, surely it would have been confiscated.
  
  Also, Paul is narrating. Would he know so much of the Female cops background, the fact she has stuff going on, the hospital and how the doctor sounded? Wasn't necessary really, and how would he know?
  
  Thanks for sharing, turn it into a great comedy and your onto a winner. Good luck. read
• 
  A good start
  A review of Blowguns and Boy Bands
  by PeacefullySubjected on 07/08/2009
  This story ended on a note that made it impossible to hate. Dislike, maybe – but definitely not hate. Dislike might even be a strong word. Overall it had heart, and really, besides good writing, what more can you ask for from a story. This one had both. But there was enough for me to nit pick at on my way through that I didn’t care for it as much as I could have. Now,... This story ended on a note that made it impossible to hate. Dislike, maybe – but definitely not hate. Dislike might even be a strong word. Overall it had heart, and really, besides good writing, what more can you ask for from a story. This one had both. But there was enough for me to nit pick at on my way through that I didn’t care for it as much as I could have.
  
  Now, I’ve never heard of a first person omniscient POV, but I’m sure it’s been done. It did throw me a little though. Why would Paul know all of these intimate details about the people around him without some clue in or overhearing it somewhere? And it wasn’t completely omniscient because he only knew about the officers and no one else in the story. So in that way, it was a little distracting.
  
  I did appreciate that you filled us in with background information on Gina and Paul’s relationship throughout the story, but the paragraph at the top of page 5 was a little unclear the first read-through. A simple re-arranging of sentences might help clear it up.
  
  Being unfamiliar with drug arrests, and unsure of the state in which this story takes place, I also want to assume that drug possession charges wouldn’t be brought up on these guys for an empty old pipe in the glove box. It’s implied that there were other drugs in the car somewhere by bringing them up on charges, but it might be a good idea to mention that. Minor, but significant when it comes to believability.
  
  Two smaller issues I had were that if Gina’s mom married Paul’s Dad that would make Gina his step-sister, not his sister-in-law. And the “Kama Sutra” actually doesn’t have anything to do with “Karma.” But those are easy fixes.
  
  In the end, I appreciated the relationship between the two friends and between Gina and Paul. They were eloquently told and are reminiscent of real life. I think with a spit polish to the rest of the story, you’d have yourself a real gem. read
• 
  Review of Blowguns and Boy Bands
  A review of Blowguns and Boy Bands
  by DebraSwan on 07/08/2009
  The trials of fitting in, particularly during the high school years, are a good premise for a story. I think you captured the awkwardness most feel as a teenager well. There were a few twists in the story that made it interesting. The history with Gina was decribed nicely and brought some drama to the overall storyline. I did find that the story jumped around and didn't flow... The trials of fitting in, particularly during the high school years, are a good premise for a story. I think you captured the awkwardness most feel as a teenager well.
  There were a few twists in the story that made it interesting. The history with Gina was decribed nicely and brought some drama to the overall storyline.
  I did find that the story jumped around and didn't flow very well between segments. I had to re-read some pieces to see if I had missed something.
  I did like the relationship complexities with Jim. The friendship was grounded in need rather than affection, yet the fact that they cared for one another did come through in the hospital scene.
  Technically, it was fine, with only a few tense problems in one area - when the car is pulled over by Officer Bea.
  Overall, this was an interesting story and an easy read, with just a few minor glitches that when fixed, will make it much better. read
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  A Review of Blowguns and Boy Bands
  A review of Blowguns and Boy Bands
  by talfier1@comcast.net on 07/08/2009
  Mr. Borden's story is a good start to a work of short fiction that deals with high school aged misfits. The characters he creates are direct from the misfit bin. One of the problems I have is that I have no sympathy or empathy at all for any of the characters (other than Jim because I feel as though he is too stupid to drop Paul as a friend)before, during or by the end of... Mr. Borden's story is a good start to a work of short fiction that deals with high school aged misfits. The characters he creates are direct from the misfit bin.
  One of the problems I have is that I have no sympathy or empathy at all for any of the characters (other than Jim because I feel as though he is too stupid to drop Paul as a friend)before, during or by the end of the story. I feel disconnected from the main character. Even at the end when he goes with Gina to the Planned Parenthood clinic I get no feeling that he is doing a good deed... He is there it seems more as a secretary taking notes for Gina rather than having any true compassion. Maybe this is supposed to be a piece that has no change for the better in any of the characters. Should I feel at least some sympathy for one of the characters? Or should I think that they are losers without the hope of changing?
  Some specific points you may want to address are listed below. Page 5: "Jim and I's" should probably be "our".
  Page 6: place a comma after "chimed". Page 7: "Your" should be "You're". Rather than "unimpounded" you may just want to say "get it back". Page 8: jolt "of". "crushing blow" is a cliche. Page 9: rather than "career" I would say something like new group of friends "as a freshman". Fuck me indeed. Maybe say Fuck me... Indeed!
  Page 10: I believe after the numerical year you need a comma. "April 23, 2003,"
  "Kama Sutra" I believe is what you mean. "Karma Sutra" was a poem by Allen Ginsberg. Sutra is a sewing together as in, yes, to suture. If you were showing the ignorance of the officer and that was a direct quote then that would be fine. Also, single quotes as in 'karma sutran' I think are used when you want to tell what you mean by Karma Sutran. In other words, I believe you should use a single quote when you want to say... this is what I mean when I say... and then you explain it. When I say 'good' I mean good as in ... ice cream tastes good ... That is when you use the single quotes.
  Regular quotes are sufficient. Or to make it stand out you may want to italicize the word or phrase. Douche-baggery is good for comic effect but awkward in regular language. Page 11: Volkswagon is the company name. "white spots"? do you mean Polka dots? Page 12: "with my brother!" not "with my brother?" do not use a question mark here. Do people cry at a circus? I thought it was a happy place...
  Page 13 "al'right" or "all right" but not alright, answering machine, and "pretzel of boyish limbs" sounds a little awkward but I guess it is ok. I hope this has helped!
  Tom read
• 
  A row diamond will shine when it’s polished.
  A review of Blowguns and Boy Bands
  by Lion Tail on 07/08/2009
  I forced myself reading to the end of it, other than the writing language runs fluently I find the construction of the story confusing some, in addition, there are long details on none vital matters. What's more, at page 6’ an account of officer ‘Bea’ thoughts and outlook, while the story is a ‘first person point of view’ distracted me. Furthermore - “Jim stood up and fixed... I forced myself reading to the end of it, other than the writing language runs fluently I find the construction of the story confusing some, in addition, there are long details on none vital matters. What's more, at page 6’ an account of officer ‘Bea’ thoughts and outlook, while the story is a ‘first person point of view’ distracted me. Furthermore - “Jim stood up and fixed his uniform” not clear why he’s in uniform. And last but not least, at some points the tale leads to what sounds like unfinished sentence while at other points it starts at a new instant with no association to the last episode which looses the focus to the tale.
  Over all I’ll say the writer has the gift but needs to polish it, - polishing is what we all do. read