Reviews of Crystal Hills 10

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  Crystal Hills - Review
  A review of Crystal Hills
  by covofdark on 01/03/2012
  Hey Brandie, I just finished-up with Crystal Hills and I must say, it was interesting. Nice opening and mood setting in the bar, as well as with Christopher's characterization and Jason. That was a surprise, for him to be a man after introducing him so sultry to Christopher as the tall slim blond. Well, I won't tell ya what I was hoping for. The sparks fly and there's an instant... Hey Brandie, I just finished-up with Crystal Hills and I must say, it was interesting. Nice opening and mood setting in the bar, as well as with Christopher's characterization and Jason. That was a surprise, for him to be a man after introducing him so sultry to Christopher as the tall slim blond. Well, I won't tell ya what I was hoping for. The sparks fly and there's an instant attraction to each another, so they split to Crystal Hills Park. You build sexual tension quite effectively until it just explodes between the two. Vary believable passion at this point in the park. Nice twist with Jason getting murdered by Christopher but, this is a dream.
  
  Nice short story told in the third person. Good luck!
  
  Title and whom by on page one is needed.
  Number each page, beginning with page one. read
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  Whats up with the Synopis? Does it belong to this story?
  A review of Crystal Hills
  by Wisdom Davi on 01/01/2012
  Crystal Hills by BrandieB73 Clearly this submission has an author who is a skilled wordsmith; a writer who can string words together to create images in the readers mind. As I read this story I see these images: a man walks into a bar, strikes up conversation with a younger man, lures him into a deserted spot in the woods, seduces him and strangles him to death. He later... Crystal Hills
  by BrandieB73
  
  Clearly this submission has an author who is a skilled wordsmith; a writer who can string words together to create images in the readers mind.
  
  As I read this story I see these images: a man walks into a bar, strikes up conversation with a younger man, lures him into a deserted spot in the woods, seduces him and strangles him to death. He later awakens from a bad dream where he is being strangled, then goes back to sleep hoping he does not go back into the dream.
  
  The images in this submission do not necessarily a story tell because by the end of the story I don't know who this character is; what drives him or why he kills.
  
  The story starts slow, and did not draw me in until page 3. In a five page story that is more that half way through. It has one major twist; the strangling scene.
  
  The dialogue is good what there is of it; there could be more. Example: Page 1
  
  “Christopher extended his hand and introduced himself. He could feel his cheeks
  warming, turning a soft shade of pink. Christopher felt excited and scared all at the same time. His heart, pumping rapidly, felt as if it would explode from his chest. "I'm Jason," the young man took Christopher's hand, a soft smile lighting up his face.”
  
  This paragraph can be conveyed in dialog. Rather than telling that Christopher introduced himself, he should just introduce himself.
  
  There also some contradictions. Example: Page 2
  
  “It was not a cold evening and the two decided to sit under the snow covered trees
  where the moonlit sky was visible through the treetops.”
  
  If there is snow on the trees, I'm thinking it's a cold.
  
  More time should be spend on the strangling scene. Jason, hardly puts up a fight. read
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  A well constructed story but lacking originality
  A review of Crystal Hills
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 12/29/2011
  I truly enjoy a short story containing the suspenseful element of a psychological plot twist. One aspect of the story I found to be commendable was its readability. This story painted a clear picture in my mind of what was going on. Although the concept of the story was quite intact, the story itself seemed to lack the detail and tapestry I feel a great short story commands... I truly enjoy a short story containing the suspenseful element of a psychological plot twist. One aspect of the story I found to be commendable was its readability. This story painted a clear picture in my mind of what was going on. Although the concept of the story was quite intact, the story itself seemed to lack the detail and tapestry I feel a great short story commands. I honestly felt that this story needed more authenticity, emotion, and imagery. Your writing style is solid but just needs that touch of deep, instinctual, and raw suspense that will leave the reader haunted. read
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  Nice twist, but flawed.
  A review of Crystal Hills
  by JGaskell on 08/04/2011
  This story has an interesting twist, that does not do enough to cover up the cliche. In one instance. In the bar when one of the men says to the other 'shall we find somewhere quieter' is a very tired concept. The trouble with cliche is, the really jump out, distracting you from the story. Also, some of the adjectives here need tweaking, 'soft, chiselled features' come to mind... This story has an interesting twist, that does not do enough to cover up the cliche. In one instance. In the bar when one of the men says to the other 'shall we find somewhere quieter' is a very tired concept. The trouble with cliche is, the really jump out, distracting you from the story. Also, some of the adjectives here need tweaking, 'soft, chiselled features' come to mind. They seem to contradict each other.
  
  When Cristophe is standing over the body of Jason it is stated he feels guilt. This does not ring true, however, for someone that commits such an act would surely lack such emotion.
  
  Other words could be culled, for example 'emerald green eyes', could just be 'emerald eyes', 'green' serves no purpose.
  
  Overall, not bad, but would benefit from a redraft. read
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  Playing with emotions
  A review of Crystal Hills
  by MaxWatt on 05/11/2011
  When I began this intriguing story I was drawn in by the in medias res opening. Your description works very well, you clearly have thought hard about what you wanted to induce into your words. For instance, describing the music as giving the room a "palpable" energy says a lot. Lexis is chosen very well. As I read on I began worry what exactly i'd got myself into (Chemistry... When I began this intriguing story I was drawn in by the in medias res opening. Your description works very well, you clearly have thought hard about what you wanted to induce into your words. For instance, describing the music as giving the room a "palpable" energy says a lot. Lexis is chosen very well.
  
  As I read on I began worry what exactly i'd got myself into (Chemistry between two male characters isn't exactly my cup of tea). Then the story flipped around and I was gripped. That's great writing, the ability to play with the reader's emotions like that.
  
  The ending was slightly unsettling, and I wanted to go back and read the entire story again.
  
  The only problem is that I didn't discover anything about your leading character. It would intensify the reader's emotions towards him and his actions, and create a much more solid story.
  
  Overall, very interesting and enjoyable, but more character development is needed. Thanks for the read. read
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  Crystal Hills
  A review of Crystal Hills
  by GreatJJ on 12/15/2010
  Your writing was fluid and I became the story right from the start. Good job.I enjoy reading storys that are well put together like yours and envy your talent. It certainly had interesting twists. At first I thought he was being hit on by a lonely girl then I thought about the gay bar. I was surprised as I followed how the story unraveled. The wet boots and the end of the bed... Your writing was fluid and I became the story right from the start. Good job.I enjoy reading storys that are well put together like yours and envy your talent. It certainly had interesting twists. At first I thought he was being hit on by a lonely girl then I thought about the gay bar. I was surprised as I followed how the story unraveled. The wet boots and the end of the bed was an eye opener. Anyone that has experienced vivid nightmares knows how real they are until the body's protective system of awareness(homeostasis) kicks in.Christophers nightmare was real. Excellent short story.
  
  mr. savage read
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  They only come out at night...
  A review of Crystal Hills
  by general1 on 08/30/2010
  Hi Brandie, Here are my notes while reading (mostly mechanical stuff): 1: --not sure why you have the 3 asterisks at the very beginning of the story --while I have no gripes about the mechanics of the first paragraph, it feels somewhat disjointed. I’d have your first sentence describe Christopher entering, then describe what he sees and hears, then describe how it makes... Hi Brandie,
  
  Here are my notes while reading (mostly mechanical stuff):
  
  1:
  --not sure why you have the 3 asterisks at the very beginning of the story
  
  --while I have no gripes about the mechanics of the first paragraph, it feels somewhat disjointed. I’d have your first sentence describe Christopher entering, then describe what he sees and hears, then describe how it makes him feel. Also, I might take out the part about him being “uncharacteristically nervous”, as his subsequent actions make this abundantly clear
  
  --“narrow bar”: I might just say “counter”
  
  --“I’ll have a Bud Light bottle please”: sounds kind of awkward and too formal…maybe just “Gimme a Bud Light” or “Bud Light, please”.
  
  --I wouldn’t have him muttering such an on the nose line (“I can’t believe I’m here”) aloud…probably better for him to think it instead (you could have it in italics), although I suppose the rest of the story hinges on him saying this aloud
  
  --you have him saying he wants a beer aloud, then stating in the narration that he ordered a beer…we only need to see this one way or the other
  
  --"I'm Jason," the young man took Christopher's hand, a soft smile lighting up his face.”
  
  Hmm…interesting twist, though I suppose I should’ve realized when I saw “blond” instead of “blonde”. I'm hoping you didn't intend for the reader to realize it, though.
  
  3:
  -- He was filled with so many emotions; he could barely distinguish one from the other
  
  no semicolon needed
  
  --um…did Christopher really just kill him? Crazy stuff…
  
  4:
  -- he peering
  
  should be “peered”
  
  -- revealing the trickle of congealed blood that trickled from Jason's mouth
  
  try and replace one “trickle”
  
  --another twist! And it’s a good thing, because he’d be a pretty crappy murderer to strangle someone with his bare hands and then leave without getting rid of the fingerprints…
  
  5:
  --ending a bit unclear…so he really is a killer?
  
  ---
  
  Okay, now forgive me for asking but…are you sure you uploaded the right short story? I’m just curious because the synopsis you posted was kind of “meh”, and I’ll admit the first paragraph was somewhat of a turn off.
  
  Great thing I kept reading!
  
  Seriously, this story is a masterpiece in pacing. You basically have three “acts” which start slow—Christopher entering the bar, Christopher and Jason going to Crystal Hills, Christopher lying in bed—yet give us some jolt at the end (the “blond” being a man—at least I don’t think we were supposed to expect that, Christopher killing Jason, the whole thing having been a dream…or was it?).
  
  Now, I do have a couple critiques. First, the dialogue at the beginning is a little bland and could use some work. Also, I’m not exactly sure if the ending was meant to suggest Christopher really is a serial killer haunted by nightmares of his victims (or just imagining himself committing other murders). Here it might help if the boots were mentioned in the “dream”, because if we’d seen water get into them in the dream and THEN saw water in them in reality it would be easier to connect the two. Finally, I see in the production notes you’re expanding this into a novel. I don’t know if it’s about Christopher, but if so it could be difficult to have us root for a guy who’s like John Wayne Gacy (or at least kind of how he comes off in this excerpt).
  
  Still, despite all this I quite enjoyed the story. Should be interesting to see what the novel looks like...
  
  Well done! read
• 
  Review: Crystal Hills
  A review of Crystal Hills
  by hinge1492 on 08/19/2010
  This story starts off with promise. The awkward man in a bar is a situation recognizable by most people. The prose is fluid and sucks the reader in. The conversation has already started before we find out that the other person is a man and not a woman. The voice is described in feminine terms, and "blond" the only descriptor of any type, so when the sex finally comes out it's... This story starts off with promise. The awkward man in a bar is a situation recognizable by most people. The prose is fluid and sucks the reader in.
  
  The conversation has already started before we find out that the other person is a man and not a woman. The voice is described in feminine terms, and "blond" the only descriptor of any type, so when the sex finally comes out it's surprising. If the reveal is earlier I don't think it misses anything.
  
  Christopher and Jason get confusing because there isn't any differentiation between them. They should be more individual characters, which will help them be distinct personas.
  
  But then we run into the biggest issue with the piece, which is the POV shifts. You start out in Christopher's head, then he knows things only Jason would know (like Jason's age). At the park, he sees a few things through Jason's POV. Again, very jarring. If Christopher can't know it, then he doesn't. Tell the story from his POV.
  
  I like the story's premise (someone going crazy and killing people when he thinks it's a dream). But work on your narrative to eliminate the jarring bits, and keep a consistent POV. read
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  Cold death
  A review of Crystal Hills
  by Suesea on 08/04/2010
  A teenage boy is led to his death by a murderer. The writing is done well, but the story has no heart. The characters are developed a little, but it's superficial just like their chance meeting in the bar. There's no explanation as to why Christopher murders Jason. There's no reason at all to care about the main character. The dialog is written well. The structure is OK, although... A teenage boy is led to his death by a murderer. The writing is done well, but the story has no heart. The characters are developed a little, but it's superficial just like their chance meeting in the bar. There's no explanation as to why Christopher murders Jason. There's no reason at all to care about the main character. The dialog is written well. The structure is OK, although the ending doesn't provide any real closure. The story doesn't have any heart. It's as cold as the act of murder that takes place on its pages. Who are these guys? Who is Christopher? Why should I care about him at all? I ended up despising Christopher and not liking the story. It's empty. Flesh the characters out and show something more human about Christopher. Unless he is just going to be a useless serial killer, but even the bad guys tend to have something interesting about them. Good luck. read
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  An intriguing start...
  A review of Crystal Hills
  by Charli Cameron on 08/04/2010
  I admit I struggle with short stories that have a tendency to be anything but short, so it's good to see a complete story coming in at 5 pages. The beginning, for me, started out a little cliched, both in style and content...however I thoroughly enjoyed the 'twist' when the "tall, slim blond" turned out to be another male. Unfortunately the cliches do continue, both men... I admit I struggle with short stories that have a tendency to be anything but short, so it's good to see a complete story coming in at 5 pages.
  
  The beginning, for me, started out a little cliched, both in style and content...however I thoroughly enjoyed the 'twist' when the "tall, slim blond" turned out to be another male.
  
  Unfortunately the cliches do continue, both men are 'handsome' and this is remarked upon on several occasions and not really fully explored...if they are so beautiful, why are they single? Why hasn't Christopher been to this kind of venue before? All we really learn about the characters is their looks, I would like to see some more character development. You say you plan to expand this into a full length novel which I presume would address this.
  
  The premise is not the most original I've read...dreams becoming reality...and I must admit some confusion at the end when Christopher wakes and recalls he was dreaming of being strangled...surely he would've dreamt that he was strangling someone else. Unless I've missed an obvious plot point.
  
  It's a good effort, but it does clearly need some work. Your grammar and punctuation for the most is very good, however watch out for repeated sentiments. I suggest trying to find new ways of describing things like snow and moonlight. Look to find your own voice.
  
  I'm sorry if this review sounds terribly negative and I don't want to disuade you, practise makes perfect. If you like the short story format, keep writing them. Focus on writing well rounded characters, who they are rather than what they look like.
  
  To finish with a repeat of the good...you come into the story from a very strong angle with the gay twist...I would recommend picking up on this idea and seeing what you can develop from it.
  
  Good luck with the full length story. read