Reviews of Dollface 20

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  Dollface - A Review
  A review of Dollface
  by Michael Leath on 04/26/2013
  Reviews like this are difficult. Your prose have a vivid quality about them. I did not like the story. I am not squeamish, nor find violence repugnant. I think this was disjointed in its delivery. But, I also am reviewing your writing, which I think has a superior quality to it. What makes this difficult is not the above. It finds its difficulty in your writing style. And... Reviews like this are difficult. Your prose have a vivid quality about them. I did not like the story. I am not squeamish, nor find violence repugnant. I think this was disjointed in its delivery.
  
  But, I also am reviewing your writing, which I think has a superior quality to it.
  
  What makes this difficult is not the above. It finds its difficulty in your writing style. And here is where you have to decide if I have a clue or not.
  
  Tension is built with shorter sentences. If I am describing a yellow field where two lovers are walking, I can load a sentence with description and include imagery and make it literary. However, in a scene where I want to build up the readers tension, the sentences need to be shorter. This makes it read quicker. Which is what the reader wants.
  
  I found myself reading your sentences in the beginning and wanting you to get to the point. They were well written. But the action dictated we not dwell on so much description as getting to the action.
  
  I have mixed feelings about the super natural aspect of the story. I think you were building real conflict at the beginning. You had me when she was in peril. Again, like to have seen it more succinct, but there was something there that grabs you.
  
  The scene with the old man in the store blunted what you had at the beginning.
  
  The ambiguity at the end is a writer's choice. But herein the ending didn't seem to fit the beginning.
  
  One of the most important skills in using this site is to know when to listen to others and know when to ignore them. If you are getting rave reviews, then ignore what I just said.
  
  I have a story that seems to be a winner, but I get writing lessons from people who either didn't understand it, or don't know how to write.
  
  So take that into consideration that I didn't get your story, or I am some blow hard that thinks he can write.
  
  Or I may have a point. You write well. I will reserve judgment until I have seen another of your stories if this was just this one for me.
  
  Good luck and thanks for sharing this. Look forward to your next story in my queue.
  ~
  M read
• 
  Roald Dhal would approve
  A review of Dollface
  by Karl Gorman on 04/21/2013
  I personally like the ambiguity. We, the readers, do not know whether or not fantastic systems were at work here. In the words of Roald Dhal “The best ghost stories usually don’t have ghosts in them.” When the cops unleash fire, I thought “I don’t think cops would use GUNS onto a drunk bashing a woman: tazers and nightsticks, yes, but guns?” But then, of course, there was... I personally like the ambiguity. We, the readers, do not know whether or not fantastic systems were at work here. In the words of Roald Dhal “The best ghost stories usually don’t have ghosts in them.”
  
  When the cops unleash fire, I thought “I don’t think cops would use GUNS onto a drunk bashing a woman: tazers and nightsticks, yes, but guns?” But then, of course, there was the statement about the can opener.
  
  I sympathised for the girl from the start, and even more so when the man in the business suit turned her down.
  
  The title has a good double effect: the doll and the protagonist’s face.
  
  My only criticism is with this line: “Ding ding a ling ding!” a bell chimed merrily. [The bell chime is used as dialogue? Make it in italics, not within quote marks.]
  
  This could have a place in the Ellery Queens magazine, they do accept ghost stories along with murder mysteries. But if this is going to be professionally accepted then it will need a theme or philosophy put into it. Maybe this protagonist has an opinion about men or society at the start which she constantly expresses to herself. And then, by the end, she concludes that part of her assumption was true . . . but another part of it was not.
  
  This was satisfying, but give it a theme. read
• 
  Review of Dollface
  A review of Dollface
  by writermorris on 03/17/2013
  I noticed from the title page that this was written in 2008, I don't know if it's been on TS all that time, but it certainly deserves a wider audience. I thought it was excellent. I'm a sucker for a good ghost story, and this was good. To tell a tale in 1500 words takes real skill, it's hard enough to make the characters come alive and to get a good storyline working as well... I noticed from the title page that this was written in 2008, I don't know if it's been on TS all that time, but it certainly deserves a wider audience. I thought it was excellent. I'm a sucker for a good ghost story, and this was good. To tell a tale in 1500 words takes real skill, it's hard enough to make the characters come alive and to get a good storyline working as well is very hard. I can't think of a way you can improve this. I loved the way you left the reader to work out possible explanations and didn't thrust your idea upon him/her - Great story well told. read
• 
  A Bevy of Delusions
  A review of Dollface
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 06/24/2012
  Mark Wheeler's short story "Dollface" concerns a teen girl who has delusions of persecution as she wanders the streets. When a kindly shopkeeper refuses to call the cops on her schizophrenia and instead gifts her with a police doll her hallucinations change drastically to involve her mother getting beaten with a can-opener and the cops killing the perp while the teen lies in... Mark Wheeler's short story "Dollface" concerns a teen girl who has delusions of persecution as she wanders the streets. When a kindly shopkeeper refuses to call the cops on her schizophrenia and instead gifts her with a police doll her hallucinations change drastically to involve her mother getting beaten with a can-opener and the cops killing the perp while the teen lies in bed simply listening to the bizarre incident as it unfolds (or does it?). Wheeler does a fine job of delineating the spooks that plague the insane, and his twist with the police-doll provides some grip on an otherwise slippery tale. Does the teen live with her mom or was that too an hallucination? Usually my suggestion to writers is to cut up to half of their pages but in this case I think Wheeler should expand to include more detail on the teen (what she looks like, where she's living, why she's not in school, etc) and then clear up all the unnecessary "ambiguity" at the conclusion. For some stories the open-ending works but here it seems more like a lack of clarity from the writer than a crafty leaving of questions loose in the mind of the reader. read
• 
  Unusual Doll
  A review of Dollface
  by eiltory on 07/02/2011
  Your opening, with Catherine being pursued by three vulgar young men, immediately caught my attentions and drew me into the story. The doll which was given to her did indeed possess the power to aid her in her terrible life. I liked the way you indirectly brought this feature into the story, and also liked the description of the old man who gave her the doll. My only suggestion... Your opening, with Catherine being pursued by three vulgar young men, immediately caught my attentions and drew me into the story. The doll which was given to her did indeed possess the power to aid her in her terrible life. I liked the way you indirectly brought this feature into the story, and also liked the description of the old man who gave her the doll. My only suggestion for improvement would be a more clear-cut ending. I'm not a fan of ambiguous endings, and really want to know what happens to the tormented Catherine. read
• 
  Doll cop on duty?
  A review of Dollface
  by bigheadx on 04/18/2011
  Thanks for the opportunity to read this short story. Your writing is sound except for some repeated punctuation errors. (For example, in the U.S., "it's" means "it is," and the possessive form is "its." I think in U.K. English, that is reversed.) Also, see notes (below) regarding proper punctuation for dialogue. Clearly, Catherine has a somewhat miserable life, as revealed... Thanks for the opportunity to read this short story. Your writing is sound except for some repeated punctuation errors. (For example, in the U.S., "it's" means "it is," and the possessive form is "its." I think in U.K. English, that is reversed.) Also, see notes (below) regarding proper punctuation for dialogue.
  
  Clearly, Catherine has a somewhat miserable life, as revealed by two separate, unconnected scenes/events. First, she is harassed by street toughs who force her to take refuge in a strange store (more about this store and its own would have been interesting). The elderly, apparently somewhat senile store owner misinterprets her plea that he phone the police and, instead, gives her a policeman doll that she takes home. In the second part, Catherine is awakened by her mother's screams, as her mother's male friend beats her for (apparently) calling the police. But the mother is crying out for the boyfriend to leave "her baby" alone. The reader must assume that the boyfriend has designs on Catherine.
  
  The real police do arrive and, due to a mysterious voice calling out, "Officer down!" and "GUN, GUN, GUN!," the boyfriend is shot. The apparent end-mystery is who said these preceding words (which lead to the death of the boyfriend). This reader's assumption was that the mysterious policeman doll did so, and that would have lent an interesting supernatural aura to the story if it had been more clearly indicated.
  
  Unfortunately, at less than 2000 words and with very little description of the characters (particularly your lead character), empathy for anyone in the story was hard to achieve.
  
  Interesting idea in the "girl in jeopardy" genre. Good luck!
  
  TYPOS - WORD CHOICE - GRAMMAR - [suggestions]
  
  [why all the semi-colons? they have a specific function/use and should not take the place of commas and periods - "While terminal marks (i.e., periods, exclamation marks, and question marks) mark the end of a sentence, the comma, semicolon and colon are normally sentence internal, making them secondary boundary marks. Semicolons are intermediate in strength between terminal marks and commas; their strength is equal to that of the colon."]
  
  The store where she found herself / She stumbled further into the store. / anyone had seen fit to enter his store. - [a bit repetitious with "store"]
  
  coming around his counter towards her, “... police... I'm not sure - coming around his counter towards her. “Police... I'm not sure...
  
  clutching at the counter... - [why the ... ellipse?]
  
  “There ain't nobody there young Miss. - “There ain't nobody there, young Miss.
  
  She arrived at her home - [new paragraph]
  
  she looks pretty bad.” an anonymous voice said. - she looks pretty bad,” an anonymous voice said.
  
  “Oh my God - “Oh, my God
  
  “Bastard.” the first voice said. - “Bastard,” the first voice said.
  
  [simply referring to "voices" observing/responding/saying is not very descriptive. Try describing the tone of the voice, the age of the speaker, etc. ]
  
  Suddenly a police officer appeared in Catherine's bedroom - [what does he look like? how old is he? is it a woman officer? paint pictures with words!]
  
  [lose the Author's Note - if your story hasn't conveyed your meaning, no note will.] read
• 
  Missing a Doll
  A review of Dollface
  by Klemenkie8 on 09/21/2010
  I guess it might have been me that missed what was going on in the story and not that the story was unclear. I'm not sure. I really, really like the old man in the store and the effect that the doll had on her reality/non-reality. I don't know if I hadn't read in the description of your story that it was about a teenager transcending two realities, if i would have picked it... I guess it might have been me that missed what was going on in the story and not that the story was unclear. I'm not sure. I really, really like the old man in the store and the effect that the doll had on her reality/non-reality. I don't know if I hadn't read in the description of your story that it was about a teenager transcending two realities, if i would have picked it up myself.
  
  I think I need some clarity about the story, but I really did like the elements going on within it. The dialogue in the beginning.. what was that about? I tried to figure it out, but it must have been the imaginary or real people behind her, correct?
  
  -I'd like to talk about this story if possible, to see what you were trying to do. read
• 
  RE: DOLLFACE
  A review of Dollface
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 12/23/2009
  Tight story, well written. I'm not a big fan of visual dividers, preferring the method of using four spaces instead of lines and dots and asterisks. But here, perhaps, they do make it easier to sort through the somewhat confusing scenes of what is a fast and furiously quick read. I hope the following notes are helpful: On page 1: He peered at her though... should be through... Tight story, well written. I'm not a big fan of visual dividers, preferring the method of using four spaces instead of lines and dots and asterisks. But here, perhaps, they do make it easier to sort through the somewhat confusing scenes of what is a fast and furiously quick read. I hope the following notes are helpful:
  
  On page 1: He peered at her though... should be through.
  
  On page 2: “There ain’t nobody there young Miss... should be, “There ain’t nobody there, young Miss.”
  
  When characters speak to each other you need to use commas before and after, such as.
  
  “There ain’t nobody there, young Miss.” Or: “I’m telling you, young Miss, there ain’t nobody there.”
  
  On page 4: The drunken voice of her mother’s boyfriend, Micah, said(,) You need a comma leading into the dialogue. read
• 
  Alley Cat
  A review of Dollface
  by Bmaddox on 11/12/2009
  Strange little story you got there. It basically had two parts, which were not particularly well connected. I like the basic premise, but I think you could probably give it another pass. Some of your syntax was a little odd. Come up with a synonym for 'tormentors' for one thing. It just reads oddly. If you are going for effect through repetition, it was not effectively achieved... Strange little story you got there.
  
  It basically had two parts, which were not particularly well connected.
  
  I like the basic premise, but I think you could probably give it another pass. Some of your syntax was a little odd.
  
  Come up with a synonym for 'tormentors' for one thing. It just reads oddly. If you are going for effect through repetition, it was not effectively achieved.
  
  Needless to say, your ending note is needlessly said.
  
  If you need to explain a story, there's a problem.
  
  Take a little more time with this and it has some potential, but as is it held no interest for me.
  
  Overall: Re-write. read
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  Unliving Doll
  A review of Dollface
  by LBarbarell on 10/19/2009
  In terms of writing style, this was pitch-perfect. It had a Ray Bradbury feel to it with a pinch of Rod Serling. So, you’re in great company! I thought the only problem was the lack of connecting tissue between the two sections of the story. Catherine woke up from a beautiful dream, sharply disconnecting the reader from the nightmarish events that preceded the dream. The... In terms of writing style, this was pitch-perfect. It had a Ray Bradbury feel to it with a pinch of Rod Serling. So, you’re in great company! I thought the only problem was the lack of connecting tissue between the two sections of the story. Catherine woke up from a beautiful dream, sharply disconnecting the reader from the nightmarish events that preceded the dream. The reader is therefore distracted and can’t easily do what I think you want the reader to do: connect the street stalkers to the child-molestation-minded boyfriend of the mother. Maybe it would be better to have Catherine simply wake up from a deep sleep to the sounds of the struggle. Then you’d still have abruptness, ambiguity, and a jolting shifting of gears, but it’d be a shift—a transition—as opposed to a disorienting fracture between the two halves of the story.
  
  Still one of the best short stories I’ve read on TS. read