Reviews of Duluth 10

• 
  Powerful story with a weak ending.
  A review of Duluth
  by Wisdom Davi on 12/28/2011
  This story deals with powerful issues. It is a well written story. The author skillfully guides the reader on a journey of the story of two catholic boys on the eve of manhood sometime during the 60s or 70s who are exposed to adultery, murder and suicide. Danny deemed the good boy, and Coleman the wicked one by their parish priest Father Behquar, form a friendship and alliance,... This story deals with powerful issues. It is a well written story. The author skillfully guides the reader on a journey of the story of two catholic boys on the eve of manhood sometime during the 60s or 70s who are exposed to adultery, murder and suicide.
  
  Danny deemed the good boy, and Coleman the wicked one by their parish priest Father Behquar, form a friendship and alliance, due mostly to the shared interest in the playboy center fold.
  
  Coleman the more resourceful of the two has discovered a stash of them in the basement of Mr. Bush's house.
  
  On a mission to retrieve the magazines, they stumble upon the priest adulterous liaison with Mrs. Bush.
  
  Coleman, vows to make the priest pay, for his transgression, but before he can, he sent away, exiled to go live with his father, shortly after, Mr. Bush murders his wife and commits suicide.
  
  The story ends with the adulterous priest at Sunday Mass on the pulpit, giving a sermon on 'the sins of the father', while Danny shifts mentally throughout the sermon impatiently awaiting and relieved when "the ushers move toward the chapel doors and he knew that freedom was imminent and for a moment, he knew that God was indeed a loving God, and for the first time in as long as he could remember, he got the sense that maybe everything was just as it should be."
  
  In my opinion the author misses a great opportunity, to take Danny through a rite of passage. As the main character Danny's transition would have giving this story a truly powerful ending. read
• 
  A solidly average read
  A review of Duluth
  by nedford on 11/11/2011
  FIRST IMPRESSIONS: 1) (I’m sure I’m just a dunsky, but what does “swung his legs absently” mean? 2) his brown eyes morbidly staid and cast downward, revealing a depth of misery far too great for a kid his age. (I really like this, but be careful about the overuse of modifiers. Modifiers, like alcohol, are a lot of fun when they are used in moderation, but overused they can... FIRST IMPRESSIONS:
  1) (I’m sure I’m just a dunsky, but what does “swung his legs absently” mean?
  
  2) his brown eyes morbidly staid and cast downward, revealing a depth of misery far too great for a kid his age. (I really like this, but be careful about the overuse of modifiers. Modifiers, like alcohol, are a lot of fun when they are used in moderation, but overused they can be harmful. Besides, when you say “… revealing a depth of misery far too great for a kid his age,” this is all you need. No need for “morbidly staid.” It’s overkill. Do you see what I’m talking about? Do you see how the 2ns clause in the sentence describes the boy’s condition much better than the preceding modifiers?)
  
  3) He was dressed in beige and brown and his continence made him appear to be an integral part of the drab, onerous hallway, something to match the matte gray drinking fountain, the dull bronze statue of Mary and the framed portrait of Christ in profile, his sad eyes looking longingly toward heaven. (I know what you’re trying to do here, but it’s really not necessary. Believe me when I tell you that most editors have already put your story into the trash heap. I understand you are trying to paint us a neutral color for the scenery, but you have two simple clauses that do this already: a) revealing a depth of misery far too great for a kid his age; b) his sad eyes looking longingly toward heaven. Just my 2 cents, but try it without all those modifiers.
  
  3) …the glint of an impish grin on his face. (I really like this. I can see it clear as day. This is a case where the modifiers work great. Did you however consider the word MISCHIEVOUS instead of IMPISH?)
  
  4) He unclasped his hands and with a tiny finger, he traced the cross cutaway from the pew end. He sniffled once, then snorted loudly, sucking snot from his nose into his mouth and swallowing. He burped quietly. (In my opinion, none of this is necessary. Works even better if you end the paragraph after the second sentence.)
  
  5) …Father Behquar stood before them like the Colossus of Rhodes… (This is really good.) …his hairy fists on the hips of his full cassock. (this is not necessary. Once you plant the image, leave it there.)
  
  6) …he pushed his wire-framed glasses up the bridge of his nose, (Here is another example of overuse of modifiers. Is it really that important that we know he was wire glasses? And you don’t have to say THE BRIDGE of his nose. If you just say HIS NOSE, the reader gets it. Let me give you a little clue about using description. If you are writing a screenplay, giving move by move directions, or you want to be a costume designer in the movies, then you have to explain every little detail. But in prose, it’s better to go with less. A good example is when you used the Colossal of Rhodes an your example. Most people will picture this enormous statue. That image is already in their mind, their database. See, all you had to say was THE COLOSSAL OF RHODES, you didn’t after to then go on in great description about how it looks. These are the best descriptions. Not only was that data and image already in the reader’s mind, but it’s an exaggeration. This stretched the character even taller, greater in significance. When you go on and on about this color and that color, about exactly what kind of glasses someone has, that’s image overload. Your reader is not going to remember all this, and it makes for laborious reading. Just like you did with the colossal example, use imagery the reader already has in the mind and don’t ask them to download new information, have them access info that’s already there. Just my 2 cents. Hoorah!)
  
  7) his bullet eyes darting (Another example. This is redundant. DARTING implies bullet-like action.)
  
  8) (That’s all I’m gonna say about modifiers. Just because I’m not mentioning them again does not mean they are not still there. Go over the whole story and look for them.)
  
  9) “Danny Hurley,” he said. “I’m surprised and more than a bit disappointed to see you here.”
  
  The bigger boy looked up timidly then down again. The priest turned to
  glare at the smaller boy, pointing his index finger in a heavy, damning way.
  
  “You first,” he said.
  
  (This is very good, but again, remove unneeded modifiers.)
  
  10) Coleman stood and smoothed the front of his trousers. (What does this mean, SMOTHERED his trousers?)
  
  11) (You may want to check on using the word PEW. I’m not clear whether this bench, to be called a PEW, has to be inside the church building where services are held. Just a thought. http://www.thefreedictionary.com/pew )
  
  12) He took stock of his surroundings. Everything dull and muted like the very essence of pious Catholic suffering. Like some dour, punishing force had leeched all the color away. (We already know all this.)
  
  13) Danny looked down where Coleman had been sitting and saw the word “shit” carved in thin lines and he smiled in spite of himself. (Now this I really like. I’m getting the image of another boy sitting there, in that same situation, knowing he is in deep SHIT. When this happened, who cares. You leave this up to the reader. Great job on this!)
  
  14) To him, a kids’ pew was an affront to all things joyous and carefree. (Good)
  
  15) Coleman went to St. Michael's, the private school connected to the parish, whereas Danny went to Lakeside, the public school. And even though none of Danny’s friends made a conscious effort to avoid Coleman, it just sort of happened that way, since different schools meant running in different circles. (I like this.)
  
  16) The little things Danny avoided on principle and because it kept him out of the confessional on Saturday afternoons. (I kind of like this.)
  
  17) burning holes in the Sunday comics with a magnifying glass. (This is very good.)
  
  18) Dust bowl Oakies (Dust-bowl Oakies – this needs to be a compound adjective.)
  
  19) He didn’t realize he’d stopped breathing until he gasped for air. (Th is is good. I do it all the time.)
  
  20) She reminded him of Ginger from Gilligan’s Island. (This is another good example of using an image that the reader already has stored in his brain. No need to download new info.)
  
  21) …but stopped at the door to slow his breathing… (Doesn’t he have to stop at the door anyway because there is a door in his way?)
  
  22) And he was except for the dirty thoughts that tickled his conscious mind for the rest of the week— like something dormant he’d stirred from sleep. (Compare that to this: “And he was, except for the dirty thoughts.”)
  
  23) …by the wet slap of flesh on flesh. (I don’t understand this. Is the priest actually slapping the boy’s bare bottom with his bare hand? Please clarify.)
  
  24) (He slapped him on the face?”
  
  25) …his mouth making an odd, wet pop every time he sucked the end. (This is good.)
  
  26) “I know you’ve been through a lot but you can’t blame God for your
  misfortunes…” (Nice hook.)
  
  27) “Scott asked if communion was like cannibalism.” (Very good!)
  
  28) A cold wind blew off the lake but the day held promise, with the sky like azure crystal and the air tinged with the fragrance of apple blossom and poplar bud. (Violation of the 1st Commandment of Literature: “Thou shalt not talk about the weather.”)
  
  29) tore ass (tore-ass)
  
  30) shoe-soles (shoe soles)
  
  31) Coleman led him to the woods on Peabody. A vast tract running four blocks south to the lake shore and five blocks west toward the bluffs that formed the town’s basin. (Comma instead of Period: “Coleman led him to the woods on Peabody, a vast tract running four blocks south to the lake shore and five blocks west toward the bluffs that formed the town’s basin.”)
  
  32) They emerged in a tiny clearing with a single stout birch standing in the center— a crude ladder of ship lap secured to its side. (Use a comma instead: “They emerged in a tiny clearing with a single stout birch standing in the center, a crude ladder of ship lap secured to its side.”
  
  33) Marlboro reds (Marlboro reds)
  
  34) …looked as though he’d cobbled it together while holding a hammer between the cheeks of his ass. (Just to let you know I did see this, but in my opinion it misses.)
  
  35) Viet Nam (Vietnam)
  
  36) fucked-up (fucked up)
  
  37) “Talk about the pictures,” Coleman said.
  
  “Do what?”
  
  “Talk about the pictures. Do that thing you do where you talk about
  stuff. I like when you do that.”
  
  (I like this.)
  
  38) “What are you going to do.” (“What are you going to do?” Make sure your spell checker has the grammar check turned on. It will catch errors like this.)
  
  39) I confessed to Behquar that I busted their window… (I think you should always refer to him as FATHER.)
  
  40) Shakey’s (Shakey’s Pizza?)
  
  41) He laid down his pencil and lied back with his eyes closed, trying once again to envision the woman in red and he dozed for a moment and right after he left the conscious world he saw his father reach over the rails of his hospital bed and touch his face gently. (Try saying this in one breath.)
  
  42) … dressed in a blue turtle neck and watch cap… (Again, who cares what he’s wearing? I know you’re trying to help the reader picture it, but you shouldn’t ask the reader to download all this useless information. Let the reader picture it as he sees it.)
  
  43) There just sitting there in a pile in the basement. (THEY’RE just sitting there in a pile in the basement.)
  
  44) “…Are you going to be like that? Like a fag or something?” (How old are these kids? If they are pre-pubescent, they should say LIKE a GIRL.)
  
  45) They started down the crude steps and were immediately struck by the smells of rot and mildew intertwined with the rich scents of fecund earth and wet cedar and in a moment their eyes adjusted and they both stepped carefully to avoid crushing a night crawler squirming seductively at the base of the stairs. (Say this in one breath.)
  
  46) …to avoid crushing a night crawler squirming seductively… (This is very strange.)
  
  47) Together they fought through the brush until the man led him onto a footpath. They walked together, the man’s warm hand held firmly against the back of Danny’s neck. He led him to a battered pickup parked at the curb on Peabody and opened the door for him. The man laid the shovel in the bed and climbed into the driver’s seat and started the engine. Danny could smell the liquor now, strong enough to overwhelm him. In a moment they were circling the block and heading toward Danny’s house on Tioga. (This is a common writers mistake. In prose, you do not have to go movement by movement. This is the sort of text and moment by moment description that is better suited for a screenplay. In prose, not only is it unnecessary, it’s laborious and downright dull. You could have said instead: “Mr. Bush led him out through the brush to his old pickup truck. It was then, inside the truck, that he could smell the liquor on the old man.”)
  
  48) “What you do,” he said. “Is you be a good boy… (“What you do,” he said. “is you be a good boy…)
  
  49) … church when the lord provided. (…church when the Lord provided.)
  
  50) … with the younger one’s hustling… (…with the younger ONES hustling…)
  
  51) … chain link fence. (…chain-link fence. Compound adjective.)
  
  52) The three of them engaged in a lively debate about a girl named Beth Nouri, who’d been blessed or cursed with an explosive onset of puberty. (This is good.)
  
  
  COMMENTS
  I do like the way you laid the hooks and kept me wondering what it was they did. And you’re writing is fluid.
  
  I am very slowly getting a picture of the time the story takes place. Gilligan’s Island. Vietnam. You might want to think about setting this up earlier.
  
  Your sentences run way too long. Try saying them out loud and you’ll see what I mean.
  
  The storyline is not bad. It moves along quite naturally.
  
  The writing is ok, but you have to watch all the lengthy description. It’s not necessary and reeks of amateurism. The dialog also is so/so. Nothing really pops here. By and by, I’d say it’s a very average story.
  read
• 
  Entertaining
  A review of Duluth
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 07/24/2011
  I am always pulled in quickly to stories about religion and in particular the Catholic Church. This story was no different. Danny and Coleman are two typical kids that get into typical kid trouble. But Duluth has a twist in that being Catholic and not sinning are intertwined in the story. They are both from difficult homes and this pulls them also in a certain direction. Overall,... I am always pulled in quickly to stories about religion and in particular the Catholic Church. This story was no different. Danny and Coleman are two typical kids that get into typical kid trouble. But Duluth has a twist in that being Catholic and not sinning are intertwined in the story. They are both from difficult homes and this pulls them also in a certain direction. Overall, I really enjoyed the story and the ending was well done. What needs some work is the language. It begins very formal and then devolves quickly into slang, which is jarring. Also a spell check would help. But in the end these are minor flaws in an otherwise entertaining read. read
• 
  A trenchant morality tale...
  A review of Duluth
  by MaxWatt on 07/14/2011
  "Duluth" is a powerful story dealing with religion and people's ever-challenging endeavor to stay on a moral path. Your style is very intriguing, it makes for a simple, enjoyable read, and the characters are nicely drawn. For instance there is a clear opposition between Danny and Coleman, both of whom are very nicely defined with different attitudes. Your skill for characterization... "Duluth" is a powerful story dealing with religion and people's ever-challenging endeavor to stay on a moral path. Your style is very intriguing, it makes for a simple, enjoyable read, and the characters are nicely drawn. For instance there is a clear opposition between Danny and Coleman, both of whom are very nicely defined with different attitudes. Your skill for characterization shines here.
  
  As for storyline, there is always something going on, no dead spots, which kept me interested the entire time. The story fits very well into the genre of drama.
  
  This is a well focused story almost fit for publication, so there's not much I can comment on in the way of improvement. One moment that springs to mind is the exodus of Coleman. It happens so suddenly that the emotions I could have felt were lost. Flesh this out and the reader will get a better catharsis from this moment.
  
  Some stuff that distracted me (I wish i could tell you the page numbers):
  
  "And he was except" - A comma should be used after "was", it will add a better flow to the sentence.
  
  “But I will say this Danny. I’ll be watching you. Especially with your father gone. I owe it to you, your mother and to God.” - the mention of his father is disjointed from the sentence. Integrate this with more subtlety.
  
  "He walked assuredly and with purpose" - I'd cut this down. The use of both "assuredly" and "with purpose" overdoes it. Just use one.
  
  "Be Careful,” capitals.
  
  "You think to much"
  
  "his hard hard edge put each of his neighbors on edge" - the word "edge" is used once too many here.
  
  All in all very good. With the slightest of tweaking this story could be that much more effective. read
• 
  Duluth: review
  A review of Duluth
  by Rich Berry on 07/12/2011
  A fairly easy read. Nice sentence structure. Good dialogue. Now onto the critical stuff... First few pages we get detailed, and quite eloquent, description of the setting but next to nothing about the characters. Two boys, one smaller than the other. That's all. As they say on book radio, "The pictures are in your (the reader's) head". You created a vivid picture of the... A fairly easy read. Nice sentence structure. Good dialogue.
  
  Now onto the critical stuff...
  
  First few pages we get detailed, and quite eloquent, description of the setting but next to nothing about the characters. Two boys, one smaller than the other. That's all. As they say on book radio, "The pictures are in your (the reader's) head". You created a vivid picture of the backdrop but not the characters who are standing center stage. On pg. 8 there is a mention of fourth graders so I guess the two boys are in that grade, but now the reader must mentally backtrack and reform whatever image we might have created to fill in a general description of these kids.
  
  Pg. 1 - I think you meant COUNTENANCE rather that CONTININCE.
  
  As this story unfolds we slowly get enough info to figure out it takes place probably in the mid 1960s, specifically the Gilligan reference around pg. 5. I strongly recommend establishing the time period right from the git go. Why make the reader have to figure it out?
  
  I was totally confused by the mandatory religious classes, especially catechism (Catholic), for public school students. I entered public school in the early 1950s and never heard of such a thing. Catholic kids were excused from public school to attend catechism classes when necessary but it sure wasn't mandatory for the rest of us.
  
  "Where's your dad?"
  "Bemidji."
  "I didn't know that."
  Surprised Danny didn't ask where that is.
  
  Danny is concerned when he finds 3 empty fifths of liquor but relieved when his mom appears lucid. What gives? Is she sober or just have a hell of a tolerance for alcohol?
  
  Okay, someone dug a grave near the tree house. Then Coleman sees the priest groping Mrs. Bush. Then Danny sees Mr. Bush at the freshly filled grave. Then Mr. Bush is dead (with no cause of death offered). Later the priest is at the pulpit, so we know it's not him in the grave. So who was murdered, and why were we told of the priest's indiscretions only to have it lead nowhere, and why is Mr. Bush dead by cause unknown, and why did Coleman have to go live with his dad??? Lots of roads that lead nowhere.
  
  Some very good imagery here e.g."Danny lit the lamp...window screen was dark and empty like a confessional partition".
  
  Overall I think this piece is well-written but needs more clarity in the telling of the tale. But that's just my opinion.
  
  Best of luck, RB read
• 
  Catholic Guilt Rears its Ugly Head
  A review of Duluth
  by PWMantsourani on 07/03/2011
  Thank you for the opportunity to read and review this story. I greatly enjoyed the concept of this story for several reasons. First of all, the time period in which it was set parallels that of my own youth, and I immediately identified with Danny. I thought his character was well delineated, and I thought the primary conflict of the narrative (Danny's struggle with morality... Thank you for the opportunity to read and review this story.
  
  I greatly enjoyed the concept of this story for several reasons. First of all, the time period in which it was set parallels that of my own youth, and I immediately identified with Danny.
  I thought his character was well delineated, and I thought the primary conflict of the narrative (Danny's struggle with morality as he is presented with various forms of "evil") was brought off well. There is always a danger in stories like this that the symbolism can be too heavy-handed and the message too didactic, but I found this not to be the case here at all.
  The dialogue was excellent. I've always found that the best way to learn about a character is through dialogue (show don't tell), and I thought the dialogue between Danny and Coleman was realistic and never forced.
  A couple of structural and grammatical things that I noticed (none of which detracted from the story, mind you):
  
  1. On Page 3, "dust bowl Oakies" should be "dust bowl Okies"
  
  2. Pg. 15-"He laid his pencil down and lied back" should be "lay" (simple past of the verb "to lie")
  
  3. Also, page numberings or headers would have helped for those of us who print out the stories and write comments in the margins.
  
  All in all, this was an excellent read with an interesting story, a well delineated characters, realistic dialogue, and great premise.
  
  Thanks for a great read. read
• 
  Shows promise, but still a bit dull
  A review of Duluth
  by Anonymmous on 07/01/2011
  I found the story to have an interesting setup. I liked the idea of a boy who lost his father and struggling to deal with the grief. However I found a lot of it to be somewhat confusing. In the end Danny seems happy and relieved. Unfortunately it's still hard to understand exactly why that is. The reader is not given enough insight into the character's mind. This causes it... I found the story to have an interesting setup. I liked the idea of a boy who lost his father and struggling to deal with the grief. However I found a lot of it to be somewhat confusing. In the end Danny seems happy and relieved. Unfortunately it's still hard to understand exactly why that is. The reader is not given enough insight into the character's mind. This causes it to be difficult to understand his motivations. It is also unclear why Coleman decides to burn down Bush's house even though it was Behquar who he saw touching the woman in a way he did not approve of. read
• 
  Duluth
  A review of Duluth
  by eiltory on 06/26/2011
  After the first reading of the story, I was confused, so went back and read it again. I must admit I was still confused. The boys, to me at least, act older than fourth graders, (I teach 4th grade) which bothered me a bit. I certainly see daily the leaders and followers in my classroom and picture the two main characters as such boys. Not being Catholic, I also had difficulty... After the first reading of the story, I was confused, so went back and read it again. I must admit I was still confused. The boys, to me at least, act older than fourth graders, (I teach 4th grade) which bothered me a bit. I certainly see daily the leaders and followers in my classroom and picture the two main characters as such boys. Not being Catholic, I also had difficulty with the references to the Church and the priest. The "bad" boy was the more clearly defined of the boys - I easily picture him as the instigator in misadventures. Personally I would like to see more of his development - why he became the way he is. The reason for the mother's drinking was alluded to, another element which might be developed. The death was confusing - why? how? who? It didn't seem to have anything to do with the interaction of the boys, although I may have missed a subtlety. I enjoyed the trouble-making boy much more than than the one who tries to be good. Again, that comes from my teacher persona - I am always drawn to the child who needs help. I would enjoy reading a story entirely about the "bad" boy. He is a fascinating character. read
• 
  A classic
  A review of Duluth
  by nick74 on 06/15/2011
  I think I'm beginning to understand the kind of writer you are - or at least the kind of writer you SEEM to be. There are nuances in your character and story that a reader will only find if they actually look for discovery. Fortunately, your prose tend to whisk them along with a patient sort of grace that, if imaginative, will yank them into the story whether they like it or... I think I'm beginning to understand the kind of writer you are - or at least the kind of writer you SEEM to be. There are nuances in your character and story that a reader will only find if they actually look for discovery. Fortunately, your prose tend to whisk them along with a patient sort of grace that, if imaginative, will yank them into the story whether they like it or not. Therefore, your prose act more like a resource for the reader in relation to understanding the story, rather than acting as the story itself. It's a sort of irrefutability that declares "Don't read me, unless you're willing to THINK about me." In that, Your work - or at least Duluth - becomes a throwback homage to the early American classics like The Great Gatsby or A Moveable Feast (both written by Fitzgerald, ironically), the ones that never SAY what they're about, but rather, very slowly, REVEAL what they're about, and rely a great deal on character, character, and more character to do so. I like this piece for its slow-burning brilliance, and though my first inclination would be to think it probably took a truck load of patience to write, my next thought, or assumption, would be to say 'nah, I bet you burned straight through this piece and wondered where the time went after you finished it.'
  
  I didn't find it absolutely perfect, though. There are numerous technical maladies, specifically with comma usage in relation to the infamous independent clause. I learned this recently after being condemned to the bowels of 'He who uses poor literate structure' time and time again, but when you have the word 'and' or 'but' in the same sentence that separates two phrases which could each stand alone as a complete sentence, put a comma in front of the 'and' or 'but'. A few examples, both on pg. 14:
  
  "In his mind’s eye he drew a perfect image of the woman in red sequins and the image seemed to quell the chatter..." --- put a comma between 'sequins' and 'and'. They're independent clauses.
  
  "He bathed, dressed and set out for mass alone and
  when he returned, he found..." --- put a comma between 'alone' and 'and'. They're independent clauses.
  
  Though that critical observation is easily remedied without any overhaul, but rather a simple glance over of the material, this next one might deserve some attention. The single most pivotal line in this story, arguably, happened on pg. 24:
  
  "And he knew he couldn’t take his problem to Behquar, for obvious reasons and he was
  weighing the costs and benefits of taking confession and communion at another church when the lord provided."
  
  I read this and had to pause for thought. "...he couldn't take his problem to Behquar..." made me ponder the character's 'problem'. His father was gone, sure, his questionable friend had left, yes, he was joining a new group of boys, perhaps, his mother seemed lonely, maybe, etc. but through all that I wondered, "Okay, so what is Danny's problem?" I gathered what his problem is from your synopses of the story, but the story itself never identified Danny's REAL problem. Obviously it was about guilt vs. righteousness, but, the prose never leaned toward that. Give the reader some hints in the previous pages about his internalization of the 'problem', and when the reader hits this passage they'll go "Oh, yeah, THAT problem". Of course in the aforementioned, Great Gatsby, we never got a full-on definition of his problems either and, well, it's a world-wide manuscript. Just an observation.
  
  Honestly though, where most writers, myself included, tend to weigh a manuscript down with over dramatization, sensational events and action-grabbing verbiage, you have taken the more commendable, perhaps even artistic road, by being subtle, thoughtful and graceful. You've stamped Duluth's every page with a severe dream quality, and the characters of the two boys, in my opinion, deliver a ranking of 'Excellence'. I'm a fan.
  read
• 
  “To be a good Catholic,” he said. “What the fuck do you think?”
  A review of Duluth
  by ComicsGn on 06/10/2011
  This is written extremely competently, almost to the point that it seems generic. The structure, the dialogue... all very well done. But there's a lack of uniqueness in tone that could use adjusting. How? I have no idea, you'll have to discover that voice on your own. Don't be afraid to abandon traditional "rules of writing". Rules are meant to be broken, which can lead to... This is written extremely competently, almost to the point that it seems generic. The structure, the dialogue... all very well done. But there's a lack of uniqueness in tone that could use adjusting. How? I have no idea, you'll have to discover that voice on your own. Don't be afraid to abandon traditional "rules of writing". Rules are meant to be broken, which can lead to some excellent discoveries that will impact your writing style and help you to stand out. Luckily for you, you already possess the skill needed to do so. As far as the story, it intrigued me quite a bit. I'm a fan of stories surrounding religion especially when it appears to be moving in an edgy or blasphemous direction which is probably why I was a little let down by the Disney-esque ending. Things worked out too well for Danny. I was really rooting for a tragic end or perhaps an uproarious rebuttal of the Priest. Nice work overall! read