Reviews of Elsie White's Will 5

• 
  A Hallmark Moment
  A review of Elsie White's Will
  by tishanddavid on 07/24/2012
  This reminded me of one of those Hallmark type stories you read in women's Magazines like Redbook or Mcalls. In fact if you haven't already though of sending it to one of those women's magazines or Christian publishing houses you should think seriously about it. You have a sweet style to your writing that feels very family friendly. Simple yet sweet concept. A lot of dialogue... This reminded me of one of those Hallmark type stories you read in women's Magazines like Redbook or Mcalls. In fact if you haven't already though of sending it to one of those women's magazines or Christian publishing houses you should think seriously about it. You have a sweet style to your writing that feels very family friendly.
  Simple yet sweet concept. A lot of dialogue that you could have shown and not told.
  
  I like the ending and hoped that it wouldn't be just another story on TS that felt like it was a chapter from a larger novel or just went no where. Very good wrap up. While this isn't the most amazing thing Ive ever read, its much better then a lot of what I have read on here by so called "professional writers" so kudos for you as just a hobbyist! And, I think you should think about staying along these lines of plots etc and try to get into magazines or Readers digest.
  
  Good luck, enjoyed your simple sweet story.I am giving you an average on characters, dialogue and concept as this wasn't a very involved tale, but it all came together nicely.
  Tisha read
• 
  Cash for Cats
  A review of Elsie White's Will
  by LBarbarell on 01/09/2011
  This represents the first step in writing what could be a very good story. Some suggestions for the next draft. 1. Proofread, proofread, proofread. Currently, there are many typos, grammatical errors, etc. 2. Stephen and Craig changed their minds, but no clear or dramatic event triggered each of their changes. The cut hand is too obscure a catalyst for Stephen's character... This represents the first step in writing what could be a very good story. Some suggestions for the next draft.
  
  1. Proofread, proofread, proofread. Currently, there are many typos, grammatical errors, etc.
  2. Stephen and Craig changed their minds, but no clear or dramatic event triggered each of their changes. The cut hand is too obscure a catalyst for Stephen's character arc. And it's not even clear if the brothers had a true change of mind or if they simply concluded they wouldn't prevail in contesting the will.
  3. Sharpen the conflict between the siblings. Currently, they seem only mildly annoyed with each other, which makes the story seem flat.
  
  Page Notes:
  
  No page numbers.
  
  “They had been told they had a week to contest the will.” Best to avoid passive voice: “The attorney [or whomever] told them they had a week to contest the will.”
  
  A lot of time, space and momentum are wasted as characters arrange meetings with each other. Just go straight to the meetings.
  
  “He swore again and kicked the cupboard when he realised he would have to dig it out with a needle.” That sentence literally says that he will have to dig the cupboard out of his finger. Replace “it” with “the sliver.” read
• 
  Elsie White's Will
  A review of Elsie White's Will
  by YeahHi on 12/03/2010
  This is a very relatable, cleanly told tale of how grief and wealth (however modest) affects a family. You do a good job of keeping multiple main characters straight. The dog Elsie was a nice touch at the end. It might help the focus of the story if you stick to one POV. Craig’s might make sense as he is the one with the biggest arc. With one POV, the reader can get more... This is a very relatable, cleanly told tale of how grief and wealth (however modest) affects a family. You do a good job of keeping multiple main characters straight.
  
  The dog Elsie was a nice touch at the end.
  
  It might help the focus of the story if you stick to one POV. Craig’s might make sense as he is the one with the biggest arc. With one POV, the reader can get more invested in the emotional story and will have someone to root for.
  
  “..he decided to pick up the shards of glass.” Where did the glass come from?
  
  “..undergarments all went into the throw-out pile. She wept as she handled
  the fabrics, rubbing them knowing that they had touched her mother” This last sentence doesn’t work so close to mother’s “undergarments”. :D
  
  Best of luck,
  Shauna read
• 
  Needs Work
  A review of Elsie White's Will
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 11/29/2010
  This short story is missing something. I don't know if it's the execution or the narrative itself, but it's missing something. I definitely reads like a 1st draft. There were several typos throughout the piece as well. I feel that something that deals with death, such as your piece, should be more compelling. And I didn't get that from it. I really didn't feel much for any... This short story is missing something. I don't know if it's the execution or the narrative itself, but it's missing something. I definitely reads like a 1st draft. There were several typos throughout the piece as well.
  
  I feel that something that deals with death, such as your piece, should be more compelling. And I didn't get that from it. I really didn't feel much for any of the characters. I should point out that the only character I truly enjoyed was Elsie the dog, which came at the very end. The characters weren't flushed out enough for me to invest emotionally in them.
  
  As I said, it's missing something. My opinion, but it is what it is. I'd give it another go.
  
  Stick with it. Cheers! read
• 
  Putting Elsie to Rest
  A review of Elsie White's Will
  by mnjones on 11/29/2010
  The writer's strong feelings for the events in this story are apparent, but those feelings are not communicated in such a way as to arouse the same feeling in the reader. Much of the dialogue is more speechifying than conversational. There are qute a few typos and misplaced or omitted punctuation. Some of the sentences, as contructed, are unclear. There is a story here... The writer's strong feelings for the events in this story are apparent, but those feelings are not communicated in such a way as to arouse the same feeling in the reader. Much of the dialogue is more speechifying than conversational. There are qute a few typos and misplaced or omitted punctuation. Some of the sentences, as contructed, are unclear. There is a story here that many readers can relate to, but it needs a lot of work. Good luck with it.
  
  A few notes as I read:
  
  Is "chair needed after "recliner"?
  
  "At 75 she had had a good innings"?
  
  "...old ladies would natter each other, other days..." Semicolon instead of comma.
  
  "Have you put the rubbish out dear?" Comma before dear.
  
  "...cuppa tea..." instead of "cup of..." Seems odd in this rather formal narrative.
  
  "...passed away after falling" Needs a period.
  
  "...two brothers had met up..." Wouldn't just "met," without the "up" work better?
  
  "...one of use kids..."
  
  "...as soon as he would be walking into his office..." Wouldn't it be better to write,
  ...as soon as he walked into...? read