Reviews of Harmony 18

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  A dark tale
  A review of Harmony
  by f-ceska on 04/01/2012
  If you and I ever got together for a beer and a chat, I’m pretty sure we’d have some pretty heated discussions!  I have to be honest and say that the angle of this story is not really my cup of tea, and I thought as much when I saw the subject line, but once again you have done an excellent job of expressing yourself and your writing is very good in this. Maybe not... If you and I ever got together for a beer and a chat, I’m pretty sure we’d have some pretty heated discussions!  I have to be honest and say that the angle of this story is not really my cup of tea, and I thought as much when I saw the subject line, but once again you have done an excellent job of expressing yourself and your writing is very good in this. Maybe not as good as in ‘The Begotten’, or ‘The Sown’, but better than one or two others, and still pretty darn good!
  
  However, as a story I must confess I’m not taken in by the message, which seems to be a little pro-US / anti-Islam. And while, yes, this atrocious thing has happened, and it is horrific, it’s not the only atrocity that comes out of the conflict. You’ve chosen one side of the story, and that’s okay, other people can write other stories about the other side, but this one is a bit too black and white, and in real life, nothing is black and white. (But this isn’t the place to discuss politics. I’ll wait for the beer). What didn’t work for me is that it seemed to take a rather one sided view of the situation. (It would be interesting to know if any Muslims have read this story and ask what they think of it. Would they think it is fair to Muslims or Islam in general?) My main gripe is that I think you use the word ‘terrorist’ a bit too much. They are terrorists only to their enemies. To themselves they are victims of oppression with a cause to fight for and no other way to do it. Therefore, as a writer, you should perhaps aim for a slightly more neutral voice, even if your characters are not neutral.
  
  To be fair, you did begin to blend the black and white areas towards the end: you did point out that the Americans are the invaders in Afghanistan, and that there is a war on. You did point out that the Muslims have a political justification for trying to get their message across (in their eyes). And I liked that you gave the character of Al-Benzy a redeeming trait: his unwillingness to kill in the name of God. (Personally, I would have preferred it if you had explored this a bit more, in the final scene between him and David, and showed that they are both just men, basically the same, basically both innocent and guilty of the same things, but divided by religion, by politics and by culture. It would have been more meaningful if David started thinking how he would feel if the boot were on the other foot, if the Islam nation invaded his home country “to appropriate a maligned sense of morality” as David was accused of doing). And there’s a missed chance of irony here too when you fail to point out that ‘Allah’ and ‘the Christian God’ are basically the same God. Here’s the chance for the two men to realise that it’s only the prophets that are different, and it’s how the different religions have chosen to interpret the messages that leads to wars, and killing. You could also have used the opportunity to point out that the Quran does not advocate murder and that extremists in any religion always tend to go too far. (If it were my story, I would have focused on the evils of religion, not the evil of people, but it’s not, and now I’m the one that’s scurrilously writing another person’s story! Shame on me.)
  
  I also don’t understand what you’re trying to say with this line: “…what he saw were two human religions, one fighting amongst itself, the other sitting patiently, perhaps basking in the glow of fearlessness.” It seems to be proclaiming Christian bravery above Islamic belligerence. I don’t see the connection. What has that got to do with David? You haven’t declared him or his position as religiously motivated, so it seems out of place here, (and potentially provocative, as Christian fundamentalists can be just as belligerent and extreme as any Islamist fundamentalist.)
  
  But enough of my liberal nonsense. I have to review this, without prejudice, as a short story, and as a piece of writing it is good: gripping to read, it flows well, I found the pages shooting by, and there are only a few typos. You clearly have a real talent for finding the ‘genre’ of the piece you are writing and adapting your style to it. Whether it’s a western, a zombie tale, a sci-fi story, a romance, or a military drama, you’ve proved you can really sink your teeth into the style and build everything around it: the characters, the dialogue, the atmosphere, the setting – and that’s your gift. I always enjoy reading your stories, and this one was no exception. I’m going to give it high marks.
  
  I did notice a few typos etc. but for once I decided not to dwell on them. I’m sure others have pointed them out. Just a couple of notes below:
  
  p.1 quiet say / quite say
  p.31 The Beatles. - What are they doing as reference to all good things American?? Hands off, they’re ours, dear boy. (You can keep the big mac!)
  p.33 holly – holy (there it is again! You’ve got to watch out for this one.)
  
  Thanks for the read, Nick. Take care. read
• 
  The sound of a Clarinet
  A review of Harmony
  by Mike Wolfson on 04/27/2011
  Hi Nick, I’ll keep this brief as the revised version has also been assigned to me. This is the fourth of your stories to come my way, and it’s my favourite. And in no way is that a criticism of the previous three. In a 100+ reviews this is the first time I’ve read a synopsis and thought, damn, I wish I’d come up with that one. The concept is excellent, and lends itself... Hi Nick,
  
  I’ll keep this brief as the revised version has also been assigned to me.
  
  This is the fourth of your stories to come my way, and it’s my favourite. And in no way is that a criticism of the previous three.
  
  In a 100+ reviews this is the first time I’ve read a synopsis and thought, damn, I wish I’d come up with that one.
  
  The concept is excellent, and lends itself to powerful, emotional drama. Which for me you delivered!
  You had me on the edge of my seat at times.
  
  You’ve made some brave choices in this story, particularly in the portrayal of Al-Benzy. I love the conflict between David, and Al-Benzy, and then between Al-Benzy and Fakhim. You took me off in a direction I wasn’t expecting.
  
  I know it’s sad, but there’s also a lot of beauty in those last two lines.
  
  I’m going to hold back on any points to address, it doesn’t make sense to go through them anyway as you’ve already posted a revised version. If any points are still valid – in my opinion - I will cover them off in the revised version review. But for the record, my points are very minor. I thoroughly enjoyed this one.
  
  Take care - Mike read
• 
  Heavy and Hopeful
  A review of Harmony
  by SappleScoot on 02/27/2011
  This story begins right where it should. Then it takes us into the depths of things we imagine to a point, but are reluctant to go all the way. It shows us the things we do not want to see. It fills in the blanks we do not want to name. I love this story for its humanity, its raw, senseless, delusional brutality. The author paints a photo-realistic picture of life on the wall,... This story begins right where it should. Then it takes us into the depths of things we imagine to a point, but are reluctant to go all the way. It shows us the things we do not want to see. It fills in the blanks we do not want to name. I love this story for its humanity, its raw, senseless, delusional brutality.
  
  The author paints a photo-realistic picture of life on the wall, and how one moment can mean the difference between life and death. I have no criticism of this story, save for a few typos. The plot, the characters, the imagery and perfect narrative - all work together to create a very real, very uncomfortable, and in its own way, a very hopeful story.
  
  Bravo! read
• 
  A good story in need of some polish
  A review of Harmony
  by Justwriting on 02/22/2011
  There is an interesting story buried in here. The story begins with sections of narration and dialog created to provide the reader with a lot of back-story information. The story takes on life once the terrorists douse David in water. From this point onward I found the images clear and the dialog more natural and convincing. A lot of the back-story information isn’t necessary... There is an interesting story buried in here.
  
  The story begins with sections of narration and dialog created to provide the reader with a lot of back-story information. The story takes on life once the terrorists douse David in water. From this point onward I found the images clear and the dialog more natural and convincing. A lot of the back-story information isn’t necessary for the reader to understand the story. The information that is important can be included during David’s conversations with the terrorists.
  
  With some polishing this could be a nice story. Thanks for the opportunity to read it. read
• 
  Review of Harmony
  A review of Harmony
  by jflynn31 on 02/17/2011
  This story, as it’s written, is undeniably strong in some areas. It’s relevant, exciting at times and obviously well-researched. I do, however,think it suffers from a few fundamental problems with technique. A lot of the dialogue seems forced and overly-expository. In the web-cam scene, for example, you’re jamming a ton of information into a relatively brief passage... This story, as it’s written, is undeniably strong in some areas. It’s relevant, exciting at times and obviously well-researched. I do, however,think it suffers from a few fundamental problems with technique.
  
  A lot of the dialogue seems forced and overly-expository. In the web-cam scene, for example, you’re jamming a ton of information into a relatively brief passage. And granted a lot of the backstory is relevant. It’s important to know that David loves, misses and lusts his wife. It’s important to know that his son is growing-up in his absence and that he adores his daughter, warts and all. All that stuff speaks to his great sacrifice, going overseas as part of a concerted effort to untangle a serious mess. But the pacing in that passage seems forced. To be blunt, it seems inauthentic. That’s not how people usually talk. The same is true of the last scene, in which the terrorists struggle with their to decision regarding David’s fate. I commend your effort to address some weighty and (again) relevant philosophical issues. But as it’s written, it seems kind of preachy and staged.
  
  Some of the stage direction seems unnecessary to me. On page 11, David looks down “reflexively” and on page 16, Ed refrains from looking up, choosing instead to react only “with his eyebrows.” I think you’re doing a great job of visualizing your story before putting it on paper. I think that’s important but these types of —admittedly real— gestures and tics are better served when they’re implied by strong dialogue. Right now, it’s kind of like actors indicating.
  
  I don’t mean to be hard on this story. There’s a lot to like about it and I think you’re a really good writer. You do some amazing things with setting description— the whole scene beginning with the assault vehicles pounding down the chalky brown access road and the entire description of the banquet...good stuff. If it were my story, though, I’d work on it a bit more. Nice job overall. read
• 
  Review: Harmony
  A review of Harmony
  by Spools on 02/08/2011
  The waking call of brutal suffering, comforted only by sanity and faith, starkly polarizes the main character’s, David’s, turmoil as he moves swiftly into the heart of conflict with an adversary’s true beliefs and methods of reason. Set deep within the terrors of a war zone the advance into direct confrontation with a face of opposition spirals the layers of just ways deep... The waking call of brutal suffering, comforted only by sanity and faith, starkly polarizes the main character’s, David’s, turmoil as he moves swiftly into the heart of conflict with an adversary’s true beliefs and methods of reason. Set deep within the terrors of a war zone the advance into direct confrontation with a face of opposition spirals the layers of just ways deep beneath a collision of a enigmatic forces to that of man to man, as one is to be in the realm of one’s history.
  
  As the story’s horrors are ever more personalized, the tormented recollections during the privacy of therapy and the sheer will of strength in the face of loved ones, help guide the deep impact the elements of war have far beyond traditional battlefields into the core of ones values. This portrayal surrounds itself well with the structures of environment, job, military, war, faith and family to weave a highly involved emotional state between the reader and story. The inclusion of pertinent factual data effectively defines substance in the story without interfering with the well attributed dialogue of its characters. May all combatants be brought to their senses by the folly of beliefs gone misguided, I can only hope the world reads this story. Don’t make amends for the length of your story, it reads well. read
• 
  Very thought provoking.
  A review of Harmony
  by matt r jones on 02/08/2011
  The mark of good story is to ellicit an emotional response from the reader that provokes but does not turn them off completely. This did just that for me. From the off we are asked a question and teased us along with thought provoking writing. we are all too aware of the horrendous acts carried out and to have it broken down and threatened to a character we feel for is at... The mark of good story is to ellicit an emotional response from the reader that provokes but does not turn them off completely.
  This did just that for me. From the off we are asked a question and teased us along with thought provoking writing.
  
  we are all too aware of the horrendous acts carried out and to have it broken down and threatened to a character we feel for is at times harrowing.
  
  David is not just a character but a father, a husband and a man we see as a real, strong person. Willing to act out against the terrorists and defy them.
  
  As with all Nick's stories, this is well written and descriptive.
  
  I'd love to be able to give you some criticism that would help make this better but am struggling to do so.
  
  Only noted a couple of typos. P1 quiet should be quite. P33, holly should be holy.
  
  Actually, now I think about it. Maybe if the other terrorist is Al-Benzy's son it would give another link between David and him and give a comment on the similarities and differences in the upbringing and fathers influences. read
• 
  Thoughtful and action packed
  A review of Harmony
  by W.E. Linde on 01/31/2011
  Harmony is an ambitious and action packed story that confronts some deeply emotional and religious issues. On many levels, this story delivers: the author expertly paints a realistic setting that, if you’ve ever been to Afghanistan (I have), effectively summons the memories of that place. The characters are realistic and relatable. Strengths: Our protagonist. The author... Harmony is an ambitious and action packed story that confronts some deeply emotional and religious issues. On many levels, this story delivers: the author expertly paints a realistic setting that, if you’ve ever been to Afghanistan (I have), effectively summons the memories of that place. The characters are realistic and relatable.
  
  Strengths:
  Our protagonist. The author creates a tormented character who is interesting and clearly being set up for some traumatic conflict. His struggle is understandable, at least for me, and I think his struggles are entirely realistic. This is a character that the reader wants to follow to the end of the story.
  
  Plot: Although a dramatization to be sure, and to a degree predictable, I couldn’t help but dread every turn that brought David closer to his soon to be captors. With the haunting memory of the video burned into his mind, it was with a sickening feeling that the reader becomes resigned to the struggle that unfolds.
  
  Weakness: There are two key pieces of this that I felt were not thoroughly convincing. The first is the rational conversion of the primary antagonist. Perhaps it was the abbreviated nature of the short story, but it’s difficult to believe that a religious zealot would so thoroughly change perspectives in such radical fashion. There may be the need to demonstrate David’s victory differently in order to keep the gritty realism that the majority of the story boasts.
  
  Second is the conflict between religions. Now, don’t get me wrong. I think this element of the story is both promising and tantalizing. But the first time we hear of David being a Christian is on p33. He draws most of his strength from the words of his boss, not his God. If the story was to be a last minute conversion, I think more needs to go into demonstrating this. If David had some anchor in his faith, then that wasn’t explained at all.
  
  Finally, a couple of very minor technical points:
  P8 “She squealed out putting her coffee mug down.” Reads awkwardly.
  
  33 “Not holly.” An extra “L”…
  
  This is a well crafted story that speaks especially to those who have considered the nature of extremism. Entertaining and engrossing. Good job, nick74. read
• 
  Good Story. Characters need more flesh.
  A review of Harmony
  by yorgo_d on 01/30/2011
  First let me say that I genuinely enjoyed this story and was taken along quite effectively on its journey. I admire your handling of the central concepts, revealing motivations, conflict and nuance among potentially unsympathetic and one sided characters. The climax provided a clear and dramatic microcosm of complex social and political forces and I applaud your willingness... First let me say that I genuinely enjoyed this story and was taken along quite effectively on its journey. I admire your handling of the central concepts, revealing motivations, conflict and nuance among potentially unsympathetic and one sided characters. The climax provided a clear and dramatic microcosm of complex social and political forces and I applaud your willingness to give the story its logical conclusion, at the expense of a sweet happy ending.
  
  The only thing I wish I had more of, as I look back on the story, is a more robust picture of the people. I cannot envision David accept in very vague outlines. I do not know his age or how his wife looks. I wish I knew What he thought beautiful about her or what of himself he most clearly saw in his son.
  
  You do a good job of identifying your characters as archetypes and also manage to make them seem authentic by their words, feelings and reactions. And your prose moves well enough that I did not really even notice as I read that I was not getting clear image of the characters. But I regret that, for a story I was invested in as I read, It has evaporated all too quickly in my emotional memory because I cannot recall anything in particular about the people aside from what happened to them.
  
  This story is well constructed and involving and shows potential as a larger work, either film, novel or just a more involved short story. I would just encourage you to populate it more carefully by giving your characters physical quality and a deeper dimension of existence.
  
  I hope this was helpful.
  Keep Writing! read
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  Pleasant Surprise...
  A review of Harmony
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 01/17/2011
  At first, I wasn’t sure about “Harmony.” Oh no, not another story about terrorism and terrorists, I thought. However, I was pleasantly surprised to find this a refreshing story with a new look at the topic. All in all, an excellent tale, but unfortunately numerous typos and some awkwardly worded sentences detract from the overall quality. In addition, I was disappointed by... At first, I wasn’t sure about “Harmony.” Oh no, not another story about terrorism and terrorists, I thought. However, I was pleasantly surprised to find this a refreshing story with a new look at the topic. All in all, an excellent tale, but unfortunately numerous typos and some awkwardly worded sentences detract from the overall quality. In addition, I was disappointed by the ending, as it was to be expected. A twist would have given “Harmony” an extra boost and made the story that much better. read