+ more submissions by johnregan

Reviews of Indian Sunburn 2

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  Great Theme - Delivery Needs a Little Tweak
  A review of Indian Sunburn
  by Mike Wolfson on 10/23/2012
  Hi John, Your productivity has to be admired. I wish I could knock the stories out at the same pace. Indian Sunburn is a short tale of a child coming to terms with the fact that death is a part of life. There’s some excellent observations at play here. The line about the children asking the blunt questions probably comes from a personal experience. I could certainly relate... Hi John,
  
  Your productivity has to be admired. I wish I could knock the stories out at the same pace.
  
  Indian Sunburn is a short tale of a child coming to terms with the fact that death is a part of life.
  There’s some excellent observations at play here. The line about the children asking the blunt questions probably comes from a personal experience. I could certainly relate to it.
  
  I liked the story. You’re dealing with a universal theme tackled many times before. However, it’s one of the timeless themes because the reader should be able to relate to the story on an emotional level. I certainly remember the first time I experienced the loss of a family member. Get the delivery of this short story correct and you’ll get an emotional connection to the reader. In other words you’ll have a winner of a short story.
  
  As it currently stands there is one major stumbling block with this story, and it’s the inconsistent voice of the narrator.
  
  I’m not sure if this is a ten year old recounting a family get together following the death of their Uncle George, or whether it’s an adult recounting the experience. Some of the narration fits with the voice of a child, others the voice of an adult.
  
  Child voice example:
  
  “I liked to walk and think and dream and laugh. I especially liked to laugh. From mowing lawns and shoveling snow, I knew each house on the block.”
  
  
  Adult voice example:
  
  “As the children played, the adults smiled, watched, and became kids again vicariously. Looking at the children, they wished they could change places and escape the pain of death.”
  
  
  You know who your narrator is, so my advice is to determine the age at which they are recounting the story. Once you’ve done that go back through the story and ask yourself if the POV voice fits.
  
  There’s a line I’d be really careful with:
  
  “I did not know why or how, but I knew I would never see Uncle George again.”
  
  The above line doesn’t make sense. How would the narrator not know how or why he would never see his Uncle George again when we already know Uncle George is dead? That type of line can only work when a character meets another living character.
  
  Overall, I liked the concept / theme but the technical delivery isn’t quite there. But hey, you can write. There are some great lines in there.
  
  Take care & good luck!
  
  Mike read
• 
  The boy and the angel
  A review of Indian Sunburn
  by f-ceska on 10/08/2012
  Although this is a nice, philosophical short with depth and profundity, I once again find myself mildly puzzled by your tale, unsure of what the story is or where it’s meant to go. If we took these as exercises, writing tasks, experiments using the written word, then I would be starting to see how you are using the task to reach a result, but I’m finding it hard to categorise... Although this is a nice, philosophical short with depth and profundity, I once again find myself mildly puzzled by your tale, unsure of what the story is or where it’s meant to go. If we took these as exercises, writing tasks, experiments using the written word, then I would be starting to see how you are using the task to reach a result, but I’m finding it hard to categorise this piece as a finished story, with a beginning, middle or end.
  
  First, concept: There’s a ten year old boy who goes for a walk after his uncle dies, and contemplates (rather surrealistically) where one goes from here.
  Story: it doesn’t really have one – it’s more of an allegory, or comment.
  Character: The only character we can really talk about here is the narrator, a boy of ten, but apart from that, there’s not much we can know about him (though one can’t help wondering what kind of mushrooms he’s been eating!)
  Dialogue: it doesn’t have any as this is really a thought process.
  Structure: straightforward, but watch the paragraph structure. There are still a lot of sentences on separate lines that should really be in one paragraph.
  
  As far as language and style, there are some good lines, you play with alliteration and simile: “Packed snow crunched like popcorn packing peanuts beneath my boots,” and you have some clear imagery. However, there is are times when I feel you are maybe trying just a little to hard, for art’s sake, and sometimes this doesn’t help the natural flow of what you are trying to say and I don’t really get the pictures in my mind. I didn't understand the title either :(
  
  I hope this helps. Keep going. read