Reviews of Mrs Merrywinter & the Unexpected Visitor 10

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  Free Will for Merrywinter
  A review of Mrs Merrywinter & the Unexpected Visitor
  by Mike Wolfson on 04/17/2013
  Hi Dan, I’m pretty sure that I owe you more favours than you owe me, so here’s the first of two free will reviews. I’ve reviewed the TS version of Mrs. Merrywinter. It was too difficult to get to my copy of Firewords due to a leaking boiler. Don’t worry it’s safe and dry. I just physically couldn’t get to it. The beauty of a free will review is that I’ve got a bit more freedom... Hi Dan,
  
  I’m pretty sure that I owe you more favours than you owe me, so here’s the first of two free will reviews.
  
  I’ve reviewed the TS version of Mrs. Merrywinter. It was too difficult to get to my copy of Firewords due to a leaking boiler. Don’t worry it’s safe and dry. I just physically couldn’t get to it.
  
  The beauty of a free will review is that I’ve got a bit more freedom. I’ve read the other reviews and I’ve looked at the current grading. The story is marked lower than it should be. I would have marked it good in most categories.
  
  Minor points first:
  
  You’ve got scope to take out some unnecessary wording. Here’s an example:
  
  “Beneath the three porcelain ducks of varying sizes on the wall,…”
  
  ‘Of varying sizes’ doesn’t add anything to the sentence. I believe – and let me know if you disagree – that the following has a much better rhythm:
  
  Beneath the three porcelain ducks on the wall, and between the old grandfather clock and the fireplace, something was stirring.
  
  Another example:
  
  She adjusted her spectacles and scrunched her weary eyes a few times, taking in her floral lounge.
  
  The sentence could be: She adjusted her spectacles and scrunched her weary eyes, taking in the floral lounge.
  
  Notice in the above that I swapped the last ‘her’ for a ‘the’. The main reason being that you use ‘her’ three times in one sentence.
  
  Re the following: The old-fashioned doorbell rang through the empty house again.
  
  Is ‘empty’ right? I can’t help thinking of all those cats. It also suggests a sparse barren house, but I see it as a cluttered house, ornaments, grandfather clocks, etc.
  
  I know what you’re intending. You’re setting the scene of a lone elderly woman. Would the following suggestion be slightly better?
  
  The old-fashioned doorbell rang through the once silent house.
  
  Silence also sets up a contrast with the sound of the doorbell. It’s an opposite, the doorbell is invading the silence, just as the criminal is about to invade Ethel’s house. It’s subtlety using words / phrases to foreshadow what’s about to happen.
  
  Remember all minor points, which brings me nicely to…
  
  My main point.
  
  If there was one thing I’d look at to improve the story as a whole it’s the tone.
  
  One reviewer described this as hilarious, which it clearly isn’t and neither is it intended to be. However, I can understand how they made that mistake. The start of the story has a very jaunty feel to it. I thought I might be reading a light hearted tongue in cheek drama.
  
  Obviously events take a different turn. I don’t know if that jaunty feel was deliberate or whether it’s just the way the story wrote itself. It’s incredibly difficult to start with a particular type of tone / feel and then switch to something different.
  
  I felt a little bit awkward as if I was reading a slightly different story to the one I started reading. It’s not that it didn’t work, but it didn’t entirely work either.
  
  It absolutely is entirely possible to switch tone, but it’s so hard to pull off. I can’t think of a short story example, but a good example of a film that achieves it incredibly well is Good Morning Vietnam. It starts off hilarious and then halfway / two-thirds through the film a bomb goes off in a bar and our protagonist feels betrayed by the people he befriended.
  
  Your other option is to take a slightly more darker tone from the beginning. You would need to concentrate on loneliness, frailty, and fears. To some extent you have covered those aspects so maybe it’s to do with imagery and word choice. The beginning definitely has a jaunty, cosy, homely, coronation street feel to it. (It’s the three ducks that did the coronation street thing. Hilda Ogden. I’m showing my age…Damn!)
  
  But I can’t finish this review without talking about…
  
  The things I liked.
  
  Great inviting title. The story itself is good and unfortunately the vulnerable are taken advantage of by the unscrupulous. The visuals were very good, as was the observation. I loved the bit about pushing the hanky up the sleeve. Definitely an older person trait. I liked the pink fluffy slippers, it reminded me of my mum in law. Hmmm, maybe that’s something I don’t like.
  
  I thought the characters were well portrayed. The abundance of cats is something I’ve also seen with aged single women. Again, good observation.
  
  I loved the following line:
  
  Her collection of multi-coloured cats followed her impatiently, dancing figure of eights around her legs.
  
  The work was easy to read and had a good flow. You’ve got the page count about spot on.
  
  I said earlier that I would grade this as mostly good. It’s only the structure section which I would have marked as average. This is due to the comments on tone.
  
  I hope this helps. I’ll review Room Service next. I might do a couple of assignment reviews first, but give me a week or so and the review should follow.
  
  Take care, and a sincere thank you for the constant support / praise you throw my way. It would be good to buy you a beer one day.
  
  More than happy to discuss / debate any of the above.
  
  Cheers,
  
  Mike read
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  REview: Mrs Merrywinter & the Unexpected Visitor
  A review of Mrs Merrywinter & the Unexpected Visitor
  by writermorris on 04/08/2013
  This was one from the left field. What a great concept, deceptively simple, but with a real punch! I love a proper short story and at four pages, this is short! But you managed to build a character who we worried for in such a short time. From the creaking of the bones to the multi-coloured cats I thought you got the essence of her superbly. We have all had elderly relatives... This was one from the left field. What a great concept, deceptively simple, but with a real punch! I love a proper short story and at four pages, this is short! But you managed to build a character who we worried for in such a short time. From the creaking of the bones to the multi-coloured cats I thought you got the essence of her superbly. We have all had elderly relatives who are confused and the people who pray on this are despicable, and you got your point across wonderfully well. Simple concept, very well executed. Well done. I adored this story. read
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  Short and Bittersweet, Good Story
  A review of Mrs Merrywinter & the Unexpected Visitor
  by karlasbryant on 04/14/2012
  My only criticism of "Mrs. Merrywinter & the Unexpected Visitor" is that the reader needs more of a good thing. The character of Mrs. Merryweather is very familiar to many of us with elderly relatives and she is described with great authenticity. The betrayal by the antagonist is painful--as it should be. I would have liked to have had more than one scene in the story to flesh... My only criticism of "Mrs. Merrywinter & the Unexpected Visitor" is that the reader needs more of a good thing. The character of Mrs. Merryweather is very familiar to many of us with elderly relatives and she is described with great authenticity. The betrayal by the antagonist is painful--as it should be. I would have liked to have had more than one scene in the story to flesh out the life of Mrs. Merryweather...has she been tricked before? Where and when did the impostor son first notice her?
  
  Just a few more scenes to bring more depth to the story would enhance it. Excellent job in evoking the reader's sympathy and concern for the main character. read
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  Fun short story
  A review of Mrs Merrywinter & the Unexpected Visitor
  by KSisk90 on 03/13/2012
  As for the formatting it was easy to read and it flowed fairly well. The intro didn't really capture my full attention making me want to read more, though it did do an alright job in setting the scene. I liked the premise, though I did figure out what was going on as soon as she answered the door. It was a short fun story though that I did enjoy. Thanks for the read Dan... As for the formatting it was easy to read and it flowed fairly well.
  
  The intro didn't really capture my full attention making me want to read more, though it did do an alright job in setting the scene.
  
  I liked the premise, though I did figure out what was going on as soon as she answered the door.
  
  It was a short fun story though that I did enjoy.
  
  Thanks for the read Dan. read
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  Warm and dark - like coffee
  A review of Mrs Merrywinter & the Unexpected Visitor
  by nick74 on 05/11/2011
  I really love the fact that this story tempts the idea that there are no real conclusions, not even in death. To explain, as we little humans work to complete a task all that happens is that we find another task to complete only to do so again and again. If one believes in some existence after death, even death is no real conclusion -- we just die and move on to the next task,... I really love the fact that this story tempts the idea that there are no real conclusions, not even in death. To explain, as we little humans work to complete a task all that happens is that we find another task to complete only to do so again and again. If one believes in some existence after death, even death is no real conclusion -- we just die and move on to the next task, as it were. In that, Mrs. Merrywinter & the Unexpected Visitor becomes a microcosmic allegory for this possibility (if the term possibility is the proper word to use as opposed to, say, theory, eventuality, inevitability, etc. How are we to know?) And that alone makes this story exorbitantly clever.
  read
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  Boring
  A review of Mrs Merrywinter & the Unexpected Visitor
  by jparfitt on 11/14/2010
  I found this story not entertaining at all. When I started reading this, I thought this story has to go somewhere, nobody wants to read about a senility ridden old lady. I did think something entertaining was going to happen when the "son" came to visit and put the jewelry in his pocket. I thought he was actually a robber of some sort. You need to add something in there to... I found this story not entertaining at all. When I started reading this, I thought this story has to go somewhere, nobody wants to read about a senility ridden old lady.
  
  I did think something entertaining was going to happen when the "son" came to visit and put the jewelry in his pocket. I thought he was actually a robber of some sort. You need to add something in there to make it interesting. Maybe she could have shot him thinking he was a home invader. Not sure but it's your story and up to you. read
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  Review of Mrs. Merrywinter and the Unexpected Guest
  A review of Mrs Merrywinter & the Unexpected Visitor
  by DebraSwan on 11/02/2010
  Although this piece is cleverly written, it seems to me to be incomplete. CONCEPT: excellent I love the premise of the story, an old women, forgetful to the point of not recognizing her son, who happens to be a stranger at the door - not her son at all. CHARACTERS: average The story was very short, and didn't delve into the characters far enough, however they were nicely... Although this piece is cleverly written, it seems to me to be incomplete.
  
  CONCEPT: excellent
  
  I love the premise of the story, an old women, forgetful to the point of not recognizing her son, who happens to be a stranger at the door - not her son at all.
  
  CHARACTERS: average
  
  The story was very short, and didn't delve into the characters far enough, however they were nicely done, as far as it went.
  
  DIALOGUE: average
  
  Nothing grabbed me with the dialogue, but it was believable and on point.
  
  STORY: average
  
  I felt like I was just starting to engage, and the story was over. I think you have a much larger piece staring you in the face here, and I would encourage you to bring it further.
  
  STRUCTURE: average
  
  The story arced at the end...and left this reader unsatified.
  
  OVERALL: average
  
  It probably appears that I didn't like your story, but on the contrary I really, really liked it - as far as it went, which is why I feel a bit cheated.. read
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  Mrs. Merrywinter
  A review of Mrs Merrywinter & the Unexpected Visitor
  by Suesea on 09/14/2010
  Mrs. Merrywinter is an adorable character and this fact kept me wanting to read more about her. The story gives some insight into the difficulties and vulnerabilities that may arise with age. It is written with a compassionate, understanding, tone and that makes the story appealing. The structure suits the story, although it is still unclear to me whether Charlie is her son... Mrs. Merrywinter is an adorable character and this fact kept me wanting to read more about her. The story gives some insight into the difficulties and vulnerabilities that may arise with age. It is written with a compassionate, understanding, tone and that makes the story appealing.
  
  The structure suits the story, although it is still unclear to me whether Charlie is her son or a thief. I hope it is her son.
  
  I only made a couple of notes as I read the story, so I'll add them below.
  
  P1 “Resting her weight on the faithful walking stick she shuffled across the room.” I thought you may want a comma between stick and she.
  
  P2 I was surprised that Mrs. Merrywinter “sobbed” when she thinks she's forgotten her son. The emotion seemed to come too fast and too strong. It may be fine, but it struck me wrong.
  
  That's it. I liked this story and would like to read more about this character. Thanks for sharing it.
  
  Suesea read
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  Hilarious!
  A review of Mrs Merrywinter & the Unexpected Visitor
  by Klemenkie8 on 09/14/2010
  I absolutely loved this story. It had me chuckling to myself from the very beginning. Your descriptions in the beginning of Mrs. Merrywinter waking up had me imagining the woman as if she were right beside me. I could definitely picture this woman and everything she did. I think this was a really funny idea. I could even see it as a digital short. The grammar, structure,... I absolutely loved this story. It had me chuckling to myself from the very beginning.
  
  Your descriptions in the beginning of Mrs. Merrywinter waking up had me imagining the woman as if she were right beside me. I could definitely picture this woman and everything she did.
  
  I think this was a really funny idea. I could even see it as a digital short. The grammar, structure, spelling and content was all wonderful.
  
  I usually try to say something critical but I truly have nothing negative to say. I think you kept it as short as possible even though there was a lot of description which made me read every word.
  
  Great story. read
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  Review: Mrs. Merrywinter and the Unexpected Visitor
  A review of Mrs Merrywinter & the Unexpected Visitor
  by hinge1492 on 09/13/2010
  This is an interesting take on Alzheimer's, an often-examined and now cliche topic. If you look at the disease, it need to be with fresh eyes, and this is just fresh enough that it's different. I like how you leave the question of how long Mrs. Merrywinter has been abused, whether the person is actually her son (or if she has one), and whether this is truly an abuse case (I... This is an interesting take on Alzheimer's, an often-examined and now cliche topic. If you look at the disease, it need to be with fresh eyes, and this is just fresh enough that it's different.
  
  I like how you leave the question of how long Mrs. Merrywinter has been abused, whether the person is actually her son (or if she has one), and whether this is truly an abuse case (I assume it is) unanswered. We're left as uncertain as the protagonist. Nice touch.
  
  Logistically, I wonder how much of this is actually possible. In the condition she's in, it's likely that she would be in an access-controlled home. A lot of coincidences would need to happen for this story to be possible (her being alone with no family or concerned neighbors to intervene, no one else pointing her out to APS like utility or tax collectors, store clerks not noticing, etc.). It's difficult for extreme Alzheimer's (and this is extreme) to go on undetected while the person operates in isolation. The one possibility that remains is that it's in fact her son that's taking advantage of her. If so, this is a very inefficient way to do it.
  
  As much as I like the way the story leaves us in doubt, I get hung up on how the situation could actually happen, and need more explanation. Her seeing things she doesn't realize but the reader does would help, such as pictures, bills or other pieces of evidence.
  
  I think the prose is the one weakness of your piece. Your prose seems clunky to me. The opening paragraphs are not very engaging, and it takes a bit for us to figure out what's being described and what's happening. With only four pages, I think you need to find a more engaging hook and a better way to present the story.
  
  For general prose cleanup, I'd recommend scouring for adverbs and using "said" instead of more precise words that essentially mean "said." Watch for run-on sentences.
  
  In the end, good take on Alzheimer's. The story emulates the effects of the disease. Just work on the presentation. read