Reviews of One of Those Days (Rough Draft) 30

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  Review: One of Those Days ( Rough Draft )
  A review of One of Those Days (Rough Draft)
  by writermorris on 04/25/2013
  You are a most unsettling writer. I loved an earlier work of yours 'The Patch' and this one is terrific. You don't waste time and get carried away with flowery prose, you just get straight to the heart of a story and then tell it very well indeed. The first duty of a writer is too entertain. You do that and some. The dialogue was sharp and crisp the bar was described just perfectly... You are a most unsettling writer. I loved an earlier work of yours 'The Patch' and this one is terrific. You don't waste time and get carried away with flowery prose, you just get straight to the heart of a story and then tell it very well indeed. The first duty of a writer is too entertain. You do that and some. The dialogue was sharp and crisp the bar was described just perfectly and the laconic style was just beautiful. A lovely story a couple of things to maybe look at at. No page numbers? I know it's only three pages, but it just looks better! I also spotted a typo on what would have been Page Three.. defiantly -- should read -- definitely. Terrific read. Well done. read
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  yes, that was one bad day!
  A review of One of Those Days (Rough Draft)
  by mollyazami on 09/30/2011
  Okay, yes, that was one bad day! The concept is good, disturbing, but good. At times I could feel a flow, like poetry. Someplace, though, the wording was a little awkward and this took away from the flow. An example of this is “After the day I have had wouldn’t you know it, that sure enough someone took my cab.” Also “I tell the poor English speaking driver to stop and... Okay, yes, that was one bad day! The concept is good, disturbing, but good. At times I could feel a flow, like poetry. Someplace, though, the wording was a little awkward and this took away from the flow. An example of this is “After the day I have had wouldn’t you know it, that sure enough someone took my cab.”
  Also “I tell the poor English speaking driver to stop and let me out.” To me this means a drive who is poor and speaks English. If you meant a drive who doesn’t speak English so well, I think it needs to be worded differently.
  And the next sentence, “I feel like an absentee Christian while approaching my church” is awkward as well. Maybe drop the “while”.
  Capturing the first person in this piece is done very well. The author mentions in the additional info of this submission that he has a final draft, I’d love to read that someday. read
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  A unique piece
  A review of One of Those Days (Rough Draft)
  by Tobias Funke on 08/12/2011
  You did a very fine job of creating a situation and a cloud of emotions, and then dragging me right into the middle of it. The way you created the wave of events that led up to them crashing on the proverbial shore of relapse was beautifully done. I personally loved the metaphorical sense of the "last call" bar. The only suggestion I have is that I felt the end was somewhat... You did a very fine job of creating a situation and a cloud of emotions, and then dragging me right into the middle of it. The way you created the wave of events that led up to them crashing on the proverbial shore of relapse was beautifully done. I personally loved the metaphorical sense of the "last call" bar.
  
  The only suggestion I have is that I felt the end was somewhat rushed, and that it didn't quite get the finish that this beautiful piece deserved. Don't get me wrong, the ending was fine; but I felt that it lacked something. Perhaps it was that the fact that it seemed to happen so fast, and I felt that packing a little more punch at the end would have made this piece a knockout for sure.
  
  Overall, VERY impressive! read
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  A round of doom for me please, thankyou.
  A review of One of Those Days (Rough Draft)
  by nick74 on 12/12/2010
  Oh I get it. It's a metaphorical prose. The idea of this story is very good - a man at the end of his rope discovers that he's really at the end of his rope, and of course alcoholism is the bane that carries him away. As far as themes go this story is very, very strong. I had a little difficulty in following it because these characters were a bit like hand grenades in that... Oh I get it. It's a metaphorical prose. The idea of this story is very good - a man at the end of his rope discovers that he's really at the end of his rope, and of course alcoholism is the bane that carries him away. As far as themes go this story is very, very strong. I had a little difficulty in following it because these characters were a bit like hand grenades in that nothing really happened and then POP! they revealed true feelings for each other and their situations. But without any "road" leading up to their feelings it all came off as a bit hard to believe. Let them learn about each other more. Spend time with these characters spending time with each other, and your audience will get drawn in even deeper.
  
  Structurally this story is very complacent. The use of proper paragraphs to separate ideas and characters would help the reading tremendously - and that's a fairly easy fix. So spend time reorganizing the narrative into proper form and readers will respond to your message much easier.
  
  The thought processing behind your story-concepting is solid. You appreciate a good theme and deftly serve it up, but with some reworks this could be a successful story in its telling. read
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  What a joint.
  A review of One of Those Days (Rough Draft)
  by Suesea on 10/07/2010
  That was a superficial take on some serious subjects. I have to say I wasn't expecting the ending. At one point, I thought vampires, but it turned out way different. I just read your production notes and see that you have posted a final draft. If it's assigned to me, I'd be glad to review it as well. Since I read this one, I'm going to go ahead and post my notes. Since... That was a superficial take on some serious subjects. I have to say I wasn't expecting the ending. At one point, I thought vampires, but it turned out way different.
  
  I just read your production notes and see that you have posted a final draft. If it's assigned to me, I'd be glad to review it as well. Since I read this one, I'm going to go ahead and post my notes.
  
  Since this story was uploaded 6/2008, I imagine you have been bombarded about the structure of the story and the missing commas, paragraphs, and that the dialog wasn't indented. I'll leave it at that.
  
  Other than that, the story is OK. You may also want to look at how paragraphs transition to see if the thought process is smooth. I noticed a few ideas jump quickly to completely different ideas. (Again, you probably already heard about that.)
  
  I'm glad the story was brief and original. I like to care about the characters and get a feel for their situation. This story is written in a flippant, matter-of-fact, way that made it harder to do. If there was a little more background or information about the characters, it may be more engaging.
  
  Good job creating a uniquely bizarre, surprising story.
  
  Suesea read
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  One of Those Days (Rough Draft)
  A review of One of Those Days (Rough Draft)
  by YeahHi on 07/20/2010
  This is an interesting concept and I liked how the tension built as I was trying to figure out what was going on at Last Call. Great last line: “The drink really did kill me, but it tasted so good.” Couple of errors that jumped out: -- “same tares and cigarette burns”, do you mean tears -- “And the waitress arrives, I would like to buy this lovely lady a drink”, I think the... This is an interesting concept and I liked how the tension built as I was trying to figure out what was going on at Last Call. Great last line: “The drink really did kill me, but it tasted so good.”
  
  Couple of errors that jumped out:
  -- “same tares and cigarette burns”, do you mean tears
  -- “And the waitress arrives, I would like to buy this lovely lady a drink”, I think the first part isn’t meant to be in the quotes
  
  You need white space. Separate beats into paragraphs and put dialogue on separate lines.
  
  “Which by the way is the quickest way to get her into bed I might add.” There’s a couple of points when he seems to contradict himself. He’s not good with women but then here he knows how to get them in bed. In the first paragraph he mentions he put his girlfriend through a lot and in the next sentence talks about all her gave up for her.
  
  I think you need to play up the supernatural/surreal world of Last Call a little more so that when the reveal happens at the end, and the fabulous last line, it’s a bigger payoff.
  
  I enjoyed reading it. Best of luck with it!
  Shauna read
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  one of those days
  A review of One of Those Days (Rough Draft)
  by philbklyn on 11/11/2009
  The story started out interesting, but was a little off rhythm because it switched from past tense to present tense at random. The story itself was pretty good. I like the way the feelings of the main character were portrayed. Spelling and grammar are not my strong points -- the only thing I noticed was at the end, "out of the game to/too long." Overall I thought this story... The story started out interesting, but was a little off rhythm because it switched from past tense to present tense at random. The story itself was pretty good. I like the way the feelings of the main character were portrayed. Spelling and grammar are not my strong points -- the only thing I noticed was at the end, "out of the game to/too long." Overall I thought this story was OK. The story was only four pages so I hope you will excuse this short review. read
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  Last call Means Last Call
  A review of One of Those Days (Rough Draft)
  by mnjones on 09/07/2009
  A short, fast read, but not very interesting and not at all surprising. It's easy to see where this is going. Since this is a "rough draft" it seems cruel to be too critical, but there is a lot of work to be done here. The guy is not really working the program. He kids himself by attending meetings and keeps on drinking. So I really don't care what happens to him. He wears... A short, fast read, but not very interesting and not at all surprising. It's easy to see where this is going. Since this is a "rough draft" it seems cruel to be too critical, but there is a lot of work to be done here. The guy is not really working the program. He kids himself by attending meetings and keeps on drinking. So I really don't care what happens to him. He wears expensive suits, always with a matching leather briefcase. Does he have a briefcase to amtch each suit or does he only have one suit? Anyway, the briefcase is empty. I wonder what business the guy's in? The tense keeps switching from past to present. Dialogue of different characters is run together instead of in new paragraphs. Sentence structure needs help from the reader for clarity. Punctuation needs attention. The writer has the imagination for this type story, but writing skills need to be sharpened. Good luck. read
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  One of Those Days Review
  A review of One of Those Days (Rough Draft)
  by jjs2028 on 08/10/2009
  I think you have a really intriguing story here. It has a great payoff and nice little twist at the end. I didn't see it come so that's a good thing! You have quite a few grammatical and punctuational errors in there. I know it is titled "rough draft" but you need to fix this. Especially the dialouge parts. They need to be separated into new paragraphs after each person speaks... I think you have a really intriguing story here. It has a great payoff and nice little twist at the end. I didn't see it come so that's a good thing!
  
  You have quite a few grammatical and punctuational errors in there. I know it is titled "rough draft" but you need to fix this. Especially the dialouge parts. They need to be separated into new paragraphs after each person speaks.
  
  When Cindy is holding his hand, I think this part is rushed quite a bit. This is the climax and a really important part to your story and should be drawn out and put into more detail.
  
  Try to lengthen your story out as well. I would like to get to know Danny a little bit better and some of his unique details and maybe some of his thoughts or dreams or anything like that. This will add a lot more to the big payoff in the end.
  
  Again, I really enjoyed this and thought it was really neat! Keep writing!
  
  -Jeff read
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  Impressive Concept
  A review of One of Those Days (Rough Draft)
  by pela-via on 05/14/2009
  Your concept (revealed at the end) caught me off guard. I'm impressed. It's very unique. It's a weighty topic - drowning in self-loathing and philosophical symbolism - but it's still a lighthearted, quasi funny piece. The cynicism in the narration is funny, and it feels especially authentic since it never tries too hard at comedy. The narrator is naturally the type of... Your concept (revealed at the end) caught me off guard. I'm impressed. It's very unique. It's a weighty topic - drowning in self-loathing and philosophical symbolism - but it's still a lighthearted, quasi funny piece. The cynicism in the narration is funny, and it feels especially authentic since it never tries too hard at comedy. The narrator is naturally the type of person with whom I'd like to groan about problems and laugh at things I'm not supposed to.
  
  The grammar in this one is a disaster -- but even as a rough draft, that's your biggest problem, which tells me you've done something great. You can be the creative genius who can't be bothered with grammar. ;)
  
  
  p 2 "looked well off and defiantly not middle class." Was that supposed to be definitely instead of defiantly? Although both work I guess...
  
  The technical errors were nearly all related to punctuation. Also, each speaker should start a new paragraph. I know not everyone follows that rule - as long as you know the rules you're breaking.
  
  Good job on a unique story. read