Reviews of Operation Lockdown 5

• 
  Good story -- writing needs some work
  A review of Operation Lockdown
  by johnregan on 10/01/2012
  Overall a good story but the writing needs some work. That is okay because a good story is what is most important. You can always fix the other things. You really cannot fix a bad or boring story. You tell a good story and that is a great place to build from. Good description here on page 7 Christian emptied 5 bags of heroin in to the spoon. The little glassine packets that... Overall a good story but the writing needs some work. That is okay because a good story is what is most important. You can always fix the other things. You really cannot fix a bad or boring story. You tell a good story and that is a great place to build from.
  
  Good description here on page 7
  Christian emptied 5 bags of heroin in to the spoon. The little glassine packets that the heroin is bagged in are known as stamp bags on the street.
  
  Love the word “glassine” – nice chunk.
  
  Description of him doing heroin on pages 8 and 9 is excellent.
  
  You are a good story teller.
  
  Global suggestions:
  
  Choose simpler and more natural words instead of these: equanimity, impenitent (2) , ardor, bellicose, dilettante, superfluously,
  
  
  Too many instances of “began to (verb)” instead of starting at the action:
  Began to crack > cracked
  Began to sway > swayed
  Decided not to pay attention to it > ignored it
  
  Too many extra directional words, which are not needed; these only add clutter:
  Moved over to the kitchen table > moved to the kitchen table
  Clear away space to eat > clear space to eat
  He walked over to the table > He walked to the table
  
  Too much telling and not enough showing .
  Suggest explaining these and showing the reader instead of telling:
  
  Free from the onerous world and hand she was dealt in life. Although the equanimity she possessed for a girl her age was mind boggling for Christian. > Show us why the world is onerous, describe the hand she was dealt and show her equanimity with her words and actions. Use simpler words and it will sound more natural.
  For as impenitent a man as he was > show us why he is this way with dialogue and action instead of an adjective like impenitent, which tells me nothing about the character.
  
  Christian meandered through the streets with an apathetic saunter > is he sauntering or meandering and how is he apathetic? Rewrite and show the reader through his words and actions.
  
  Page 1
  Grammar: the coming evening’s hunt.
  Use 14-year old girl
  
  Page 3
  Grammar: let’s not forget, And let’s not forget how you, staring into each other’s eyes
  Starring should be staring
  Grammar: your eggs are getting cold
  
  Page 5
  Renovated into million-dollar lofts
  Hole-in-the-wall studio apartment
  
  Page 6
  Avoid clichéd writing: “hold near and dear to our hearts” and rewrite this with your own unique words
  Cliché: dregs of society
  
  Page 9
  Christian ripped a piece from the side of a cotton ball and dropped it into the liquid unlike in the movies, where they drop an entire cotton ball on the spoon.
  
  Page 10
  He says “oh wow” over and over.
  
  Page 11
  When [he] left the room and got to the hallway he could hear faint screams again. It sounded almost like someone was stepping on a dog’s tail. (you have dogs tail) .
  
  Repetitive: over and over and in repetition mean the same thing. Pick one. Changing yelping noise (weak) to yelp (strong): The dog yelped in pain over and over.
  
  12-year old girl
  
  Page 12 – too wordy
  Christian just stared the man down with no reply before he noticed the little girl on the mat balled up in the fetal position crying. > Christian stared him down. Then he saw a little girl in the fetal position, crying.
  
  Page 13
  Old man’s arm
  
  Page 14
  Into her father’s jugular read
• 
  Review: Operation Lockdown
  A review of Operation Lockdown
  by Rich Berry on 07/15/2012
  First off please understand my reviewing style is to-the-point and I don't sugarcoat. If I sound curt it's because I prefer to not mince words so don't take it personally. This story needs a lot of work. I'm not a punctuation Nazi (not a stong point in my own work) but this story is loaded with blatant errors to the point of distracting from the flow. The first sentence... First off please understand my reviewing style is to-the-point and I don't sugarcoat. If I sound curt it's because I prefer to not mince words so don't take it personally.
  
  This story needs a lot of work.
  
  I'm not a punctuation Nazi (not a stong point in my own work) but this story is loaded with blatant errors to the point of distracting from the flow.
  
  The first sentence states "Elizabeth still lay sleeping". Third sentence states "She was sprawled out sleeping". We already know she's asleep. No reason to say it again unless there is some change in the way she is sleeping. Every word on every page should be there for a reason, a skill which is not easily mastered but should be the goal of every writer.
  
  There are sections of dialogue where the same character is speaking but the sentences are indented as if a different character was answering. This is confusing.
  
  Military personel don't get a pension after only 7 yrs. service unless it's a disability claim. Is Christian disabled?
  
  The comments about how cooking heroin is not like in the movies are instructional but
  IMO unnecessary. Just explain how he does it and let the reader see how it differs from the "Hollywood" version.
  
  Some sentences jump from present to past tense e.g "Christian has always been a bellicose man" followed by "He was well over six feet tall".
  
  So far this story seems like it will be another variation of 'Natural Born Killers'.
  
  IMO the story needs a re-write to tighten it up and correct the many structure and punctuation flaws.
  read
• 
  Only the Beginning
  A review of Operation Lockdown
  by Schism83 on 07/06/2012
  Hello, hello! I just read 'Operation Lockdown', and here are my thoughts and comments. Since this is only the first 14 pages of what will be a much larger piece, it's difficult for me to provide a review that I feel is adequate. Right now, I think what you have written is good, moving, and intriguing. The way you open the story is interesting and reminiscent of 'Lolita',... Hello, hello! I just read 'Operation Lockdown', and here are my thoughts and comments.
  
  Since this is only the first 14 pages of what will be a much larger piece, it's difficult for me to provide a review that I feel is adequate. Right now, I think what you have written is good, moving, and intriguing. The way you open the story is interesting and reminiscent of 'Lolita', and the flashback provides the ultimate context. While I felt you often went off on tangents - living situation, how to correctly prepare heroine, and more - since this is a novel, as long as you are consistent with that kind of exposition, it'll work fine. In fact, I find your acute attention and mention of mostly minute detail deftly handled and interesting and informative, giving your wordy paragraphs the intrigue they need to keep the reader invested, which is exactly what you want. Again, if you're consistent with this style throughout the story, I think you'll have a pretty good little novel on your hands. There's not much more to say than that. I do have some questions, but, being this is only the beginning, I'll save them for later, when I have more to work off of. Grammatically, be careful of passing over words as you write, overuse of semi-colons, and spelling - mettle = metal. Let me know when you put some more up and I'd love to read it and see where the story goes. Maybe then I can give you some comments more constructive. Thanks for the read, and keep the pen moving!
  
  Schism read
• 
  Bleak Past / Bleak Future
  A review of Operation Lockdown
  by Hewitt on 07/05/2012
  This is excellently written. I learned more about dope and the methods of a junky than I cared to, but it was all new, authoritative presented and unknown to me and in that respect interesting. That the father was in the habit of raping his twelve or thirteen year old daughter was perverse of course, but confusing too. He told the child he loved her, but kept calling her a... This is excellently written. I learned more about dope and the methods of a junky than I cared to, but it was all new, authoritative presented and unknown to me and in that respect interesting. That the father was in the habit of raping his twelve or thirteen year old daughter was perverse of course, but confusing too. He told the child he loved her, but kept calling her a whore and a lair. I wanted to know more about his mind, such as why and how he could be the way he was, not merely that incest and rape happens. Knowing it happens in a tiny statistical percentage is not enough. One wants to know why.
  The main correcter who is twenty-seven lives with the girl who is fourteen. Understanding the story and guessing at all the circumstances, it is certain the girl needs someone to care for her and to take care of her. I do not fault the man at all so long as he will remain kind and caring and she loves his touch. It is noted however, that if they were caught, particularly before they married. he would go to jail and there be subjected to being killed by inmates for child molestation.
  Anyway the guy is ruined somewhat beyond reasons of his choice. He is a past and present murderer, a hopeless junkie and by law, a child molester.
  You can see you got my interest and kept it, which is the purpose of a story. Very well done. You get high marks.
  Hewitt,
  Page 7) He liked going to the second floor because usually no (ONE) went up there. Page 11) When (HE) left the room and got to the hallway he could hear faint screams again. Page 12) “We both no (KNOW) where this is going old head, and there is nothing you can say or do that is going to change that now.” read
• 
  Incest is Best? No way!
  A review of Operation Lockdown
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 06/24/2012
  Adam Callari's short story "Operation Lockdown" concerns a heroin-addicted vet who stumbles upon a father raping his adolescent daughter. That the vet is yet another vigilante out to murder the perpetrator of an illegal act does not win Callari any points; taking the law into one's own hands is a far cry from an act of valour, and too many stories on Trigger Street feature... Adam Callari's short story "Operation Lockdown" concerns a heroin-addicted vet who stumbles upon a father raping his adolescent daughter. That the vet is yet another vigilante out to murder the perpetrator of an illegal act does not win Callari any points; taking the law into one's own hands is a far cry from an act of valour, and too many stories on Trigger Street feature the death penalty as per discretion of an angry citizen out to defy the law. What works in the story is the foreshadowing of the father/daughter tryst-- although the first three pages could easily be cut down to a single page. (In fact the whole story could be tightened to about half its length.) Also of merit was the shooting of heroin, described in vivid detail for the layman. Overall, though, the story fails to gel as a cohesive entity. It feels splayed and untidy, with too many tangential scenes that contain interesting background info but have no actual bearing on the plot. What's more, the ending is illogical in that A) either the vet wants to rape the girl himself, or B) he's going to lead the girl to the police and thereby go to prison for murder. Either way it's a weak conclusion. read