Reviews of Self-Murder Attempt 8

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  Passion, but a little rough
  A review of Self-Murder Attempt
  by Han Shot Second on 01/28/2012
  When reading this short story, I sense and feel the passion in which you are telling it. It happened. It's real. However, it's incredibly rough in its current form. Once again, I love the passion and dedication you have to telling this story specifically. Considering this is a memoir, the only changes you can make are more to your narrative voice. While I once again appreciate... When reading this short story, I sense and feel the passion in which you are telling it. It happened. It's real. However, it's incredibly rough in its current form. Once again, I love the passion and dedication you have to telling this story specifically. Considering this is a memoir, the only changes you can make are more to your narrative voice. While I once again appreciate the passion, the biggest problem is simply in its telling and until that is changed, the story is in a rough form. read
• 
  One of those days.
  A review of Self-Murder Attempt
  by Cenydd Ros on 12/19/2010
  Remembrances of a bad day, laid out in prose. I am going to focus on technical aspects of this story - for the most part. P. 1 This was a horror movie you’d see about someone on TV or in the movies. - redundant word use in same sentence e.g. movie, you want to watch out for that P. 2 God and the Devil were both standing right next to me. Neither God nor the Devil was on... Remembrances of a bad day, laid out in prose.
  
  I am going to focus on technical aspects of this story - for the most part.
  
  P. 1 This was a horror movie you’d see about someone on TV or in the movies. - redundant word use in same sentence e.g. movie, you want to watch out for that
  P. 2 God and the Devil were both standing right next to me. Neither God nor the Devil was on my side. - might I suggest something like "God and the Devil were both standing right next to me, nut neither was on my side."
  P. 3 suppose - supposed
  P. 4 The ice man finally transfer me to another body asking me lot’s of questions. - transferred
  P. 6 “don’t bother me, you loser look.” - “don’t bother me, you loser" look.
  look alike - look-alike
  
  Now he had huge grin on his stoned, cold face. - did you mean "stone-cold face"?
  
  Choice in word usage should be addressed, e.g. Then I horridly remembered the landlord - horridly does not read well
  e.g. She hung up on me again and I left her alone. - decided to leave her alone, might work better
  
  Note - when you drop ia present tense line like "I’m lying there on the stretcher in extreme fright." in a story that is highly past tense, it doesn't read well
  
  I was desperately trying to pick my body up off the floor and open the door. If not, they would have busted down the door onto my living room floor. - rhymes, I'm just saying....
  I suddenly remembered my last stay in a psych ward. - :)
  
  needed for me to call her APAP. - ASAP?
  
  Redundancy in what is related in the story runs throughout. The flow/cadence is a bit choppy. A slight problem with tense usage.
  
  I would suggest a rewrite - give it some time - and then another rewrite.
  
  This could make a very good piece - but writing style needs to be developed. This comes with rewrites. Write every day - anything, it helps develop the art form.
  
  As you state this is a true story - I hope you are feeling better. Remember, death is something we are assured of, no need to rush it. read
• 
  Review: Self-Murder Attempt
  A review of Self-Murder Attempt
  by hinge1492 on 08/31/2010
  It takes a lot to write something autobiographical about a topic like this. Congratulations on having the courage and self-awareness to tackle the subject. At the start, there were a few repeated comparisons of weight of body parts. I would try mixing up your comparisons (my legs weighed a ton, my legs felt lifeless, etc.). Same with "desperately trying to drag my body" and... It takes a lot to write something autobiographical about a topic like this. Congratulations on having the courage and self-awareness to tackle the subject.
  
  At the start, there were a few repeated comparisons of weight of body parts. I would try mixing up your comparisons (my legs weighed a ton, my legs felt lifeless, etc.). Same with "desperately trying to drag my body" and "mouth glued shut" which also get repetitive.
  
  I'd also like to be in the moment more, IE have the dialogue between the protag and the nurse, rather than being told the conversation. In that way we can feel more a part of the story. If this were not autobiographical, I would also say that this gives us more of an insight on whether the protagonist is an unreliable narrator, but I think that's beyond the scope of a memoir and more in fiction.
  
  The protagonist's previous situation isn't clear at the beginning: how old she is (I thought at first she was a teen), what's driven her to this state, or even that she's a she. Probably this is because it's chapter 2, but as a stand-alone piece this information needs to get to us.
  
  Other than cleaning up the prose and making it tighter, this is an engaging memoir about a very difficult subject. Good job. read
• 
  Life is Hard in LA
  A review of Self-Murder Attempt
  by mnjones on 04/01/2010
  I'm sorry. This was not ready to be uploaded. The formatting is disasterous. Paragraphs are not indented. Sentences are awkwardly constructed. Pages are numbered haphazardly, with pages leaking down and numbers appearing in odd places. The writer's brave attempt to present an honest account of her suicide attempt is commendable, but this needs a careful and thoughtful... I'm sorry. This was not ready to be uploaded. The formatting is disasterous. Paragraphs are not indented. Sentences are awkwardly constructed. Pages are numbered haphazardly, with pages leaking down and numbers appearing in odd places. The writer's brave attempt to present an honest account of her suicide attempt is commendable, but this needs a careful and thoughtful revision. Repetition makes for a boring read.
  
  "...able to drag my dead weight body by my butt to the bathroom..." This seems an odd description..."
  
  "...voices coming out of the toilet...begging to get out..." I like the eerie imagery, but "dead people buried alive" -- Now that sounds strange. read
• 
  Apprehensive Review
  A review of Self-Murder Attempt
  by jeffwinterton98 on 07/31/2009
  I'm almost afraid to write this review. Afraid it might damage the writer further or the character. It reads as if it is an entry in a diary. There is not much structure. Or dialogue to be stated with in. I did feel a touch of sympathy for the writer. Not much for the characters. it seemed rushed. Like the writer had another pill to take. Or another glass of wine to down... I'm almost afraid to write this review. Afraid it might damage the writer further or the character.
  
  It reads as if it is an entry in a diary. There is not much structure. Or dialogue to be stated with in. I did feel a touch of sympathy for the writer. Not much for the characters. it seemed rushed. Like the writer had another pill to take. Or another glass of wine to down.
  
  The ending did make me feel worried for the fictional character. I do hope it is a fictional character. read
• 
  Dispare and a cry for help
  A review of Self-Murder Attempt
  by chessaol on 07/02/2009
  The story is about a suicide attempt that didn't work. The lady has the good fortune to not kill herself. We then are treated to the aftermath of a failed attempt. The story is told from the perspective of a person who is there. We see the scene through her eyes. The spelling is good, grammar and syntax are good. The sentence and paragraph structures were a different story... The story is about a suicide attempt that didn't work. The lady has the good fortune to not kill herself. We then are treated to the aftermath of a failed attempt.
  
  The story is told from the perspective of a person who is there. We see the scene through her eyes.
  
  The spelling is good, grammar and syntax are good. The sentence and paragraph structures were a different story. I suspect that the software used is most of the problem.
  
  The page numbers don't come at the end of the published page they are on a different register.
  
  The sentencs have a disquieting way of having one word on a sentence and then dropping a line to the next line.
  
  Paragraphs are not indented so when a sentence is broken by a weird space, it's hard to tell if this is a paragraph or an oops.
  
  The story is written in a heartrending style and the person living the adventure can be seen through the lines told. read
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  No substitute for honesty.
  A review of Self-Murder Attempt
  by womblies on 05/24/2009
  My reaction at first was quite skeptical. I have always found religion soaked texts distasteful, but that is not to say that I am anti religion. In this case I quickly came to the conclusion that the writer was speaking from a viewpoint of somebody with real faith, and so was able to lay my preconceptions aside. Although on one level I felt that the writer needed to be read... My reaction at first was quite skeptical. I have always found religion soaked texts distasteful, but that is not to say that I am anti religion. In this case I quickly came to the conclusion that the writer was speaking from a viewpoint of somebody with real faith, and so was able to lay my preconceptions aside.
  Although on one level I felt that the writer needed to be read by a social worker, rather than a reviewer, I also found that I was gripped by the panic and honesty of the story, and compelled to read faster to find a conclusion.
  It seems callous to say that the story of a failed (?) suicide attempt was entertaining, but it was! I loved it, and even the follow up of the death of the dog was a positive tear jerker, not because it was no obviously contrived, but because I believed it, and it played to my own sense of pain.
  In conclusion, I feel that the writer has encompassed so many elements of good story telling, that the chapter is an excellent short story. read
• 
  Self-Murder Attempt - Review
  A review of Self-Murder Attempt
  by pela-via on 05/18/2009
  This wasn't bad. I think it needs a few changes, but overall it is solid authentic material. ***First of all, you're sharing a personal private story about attempted suicide; volumes could be said in response to such a thing. I'm not addressing that aspect in this review. I'm not personally callous to your traumatic experience, I'm just focused on the writing.*** on the... This wasn't bad. I think it needs a few changes, but overall it is solid authentic material.
  
  ***First of all, you're sharing a personal private story about attempted suicide; volumes could be said in response to such a thing. I'm not addressing that aspect in this review. I'm not personally callous to your traumatic experience, I'm just focused on the writing.***
  
  
  
  on the story overall.
  
  It is something of an anticlimax as a standalone story. I already know the ending going into it (you're alive), and the substantial action takes place just before this story begins. It may work fine in a memoir, but I'd keep in mind the anticlimactic nature when you're considering the length of this. I think you've given too many details. A 1/3 could be cut - not because the writing was bad, but because it dilutes the important stuff.
  
  
  At times this story feels like a report of facts.
  Example: "One officer asked me if I tried to kill myself. I said no."
  At this point in the story I can't figure out what you're thinking that would cause you to say no. As a reader I'll take the facts in order to understand the rest, but ultimately I'm after a human experience. Emotions, thoughts, desires, ideas etc. The rest is fleeting. The result of your tendency to favor facts over deeper internal processes is that I'm seeing someone I don't know go through motions. I could get that at the post office. People don't read novels, I don't think, for a report of events. It's the connections -- you to the reader, your life to its meaning and symbolism, your experiences to the desires of the reader, etc.
  
  
  Have you heard the expression, 'If you meet 4 [grumps] in a day, then you're the grump'? You've vilified every person but yourself here. I'm a little skeptical that you encountered that many hateful people at once. I don't know protocol for memoirs but it seems problematic to me to give a biased perspective in which you're the victim and/or hero.
  
  
  I don't see the benefit of the story's title, 'self murder' in place of 'suicide'. I don't think you should be awkward unless you can own it.
  
  
  
  on the writing.
  
  Your prayers - if that's what you feel they are - should probably be formatted apart from the narrative. Maybe use italics. And when over a couple sentences, start a new paragraph.
  
  some errors:
  -starring
  -the sound was so eerie [I'd use a superlative there in place of 'so eerie']
  -look alike
  -cheap red wine [this description is used twice and feels redundant]
  -of my big book lady. [Unless you mean large 'book lady' use a comma before lady]
  -paramedic’s [not possessive]
  -I was trying to conjure up the right answer, but there weren’t any. ['Weren't any' should be singular here. As in 'wasn't one']
  -good nights sleep. [make possessive. I think.]
  -One of the officers eyes rolled around in his head [This conjures images of marbles rolling around a hollow pumpkin. I'd rephrase. Also make 'officers' possessive.]
  -I felt as if they were questioning me for having killed somebody. [Are you going to address the irony here? You did try to kill someone...]
  -Why won’t they leave and go hound somebody else? I can’t go to jail. [Random, improper switch to present tense.]
  -“What Ever Happened to Baby Jane” movie, starring Betty Davis and Joan Crawford. [What demographic will your work appeal to? I'm 29, never saw the move, this reference is a blank for me. Also it reads like an ad.]
  -I’m jolted back into my current situation here in the emergency room. [Present tense]
  -It would never leave my mind until I got home to my sad dog. [I don't know about using 'never' and 'until' together...]
  -APAP.
  -he was their to [Change to there]
  -Page Eleven [re-do the page numbers -- That should be an auto thing in your text editor ?]
  -When she died two months later, [I don't think this should be dropped mid-paragraph. It's jolting.]
  -Oh, so now somebody believes how many pills I took. [This is in present tense for one thing, which can work with crafty punctuation and phrasing. But also I think you should resist the urge to speak candidly in this particular way. I would work out your personality (voice) as a writer and your ability to bring ironic humor, but I would be careful about how you wield these sorts of lines. While it's great for the reader to feel like you're speaking to them vocally, you have to remember we speak in a way that is much, much less sophisticated than how we write. The looser a writer gets with a common vernacular, the dumber they appear.]
  
  
  In sum, good work. I think you should keep writing and get your work to those who will benefit from your unique experiences. read