Reviews of Steering Wheel (rev) 10

• 
  Needs Work
  A review of Steering Wheel (rev)
  by mmckean on 03/08/2012
  Hey Spools, Thanks for submitting your short story on Trigger Street. I think you have a very cool writing style, very descriptive, but I just couldn't get 'hooked' into the story. There weren't any action scenes and no real 'twists' so the reader ends up trudging through page after page of descriptive exposition about a car. At the end, I'm wondering what the point of the... Hey Spools,
  
  Thanks for submitting your short story on Trigger Street. I think you have a very cool writing style, very descriptive, but I just couldn't get 'hooked' into the story. There weren't any action scenes and no real 'twists' so the reader ends up trudging through page after page of descriptive exposition about a car. At the end, I'm wondering what the point of the story is.
  
  Keep writing though. You'll find your niche :) read
• 
  A strange, sad story.
  A review of Steering Wheel (rev)
  by vieira4 on 02/21/2012
  It took me a while to get into this, although I'm not sure if this is more to do with the story or the odd mood that I'm in. What drew me in was the depth of all the characters, particularly the children. I found their lack of emotional ability very sad. I can't imagine how people can live like this, particularly the mother who seemed to have completely given up on life. "A... It took me a while to get into this, although I'm not sure if this is more to do with the story or the odd mood that I'm in. What drew me in was the depth of all the characters, particularly the children. I found their lack of emotional ability very sad. I can't imagine how people can live like this, particularly the mother who seemed to have completely given up on life. "A body rarely given the glow of Marie’s touch to smooth and polish" - love that line. I loved how she left the chairs to Bernie and his wife, who promptly arranged them in the same way as, unbeknown to her, Marie had done. I didn't quite understand why Francis gave up on the car after the accident at the end, but I loved the drama of the accident. I like your description of the town Francis lives in. Perhaps I'm just matching the scene with the characters, but you get an impression of a very grey, industrial place.
  
  Just a couple of nitpicks, both from page 9: I think you mean decent, not descent. Ditto wonder instead of wander. I still find your sentence structure a bit odd, although sometimes I can't work out how I could have done it better. All in all, this is thought-provoking work, and quite different from anything else I've read. read
• 
  Lovely
  A review of Steering Wheel (rev)
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 12/13/2011
  A heartwarming tale of love and family. What a beautiful story! “Steering Wheel” traces the history of a family in the Midwest through pain and loss. Somehow the family stays together in some sort of a unit and passes on traditions from one generation to the next. This is a lovely story and the author has great talent in writing. The emotions and the scenes come through very... A heartwarming tale of love and family. What a beautiful story! “Steering Wheel” traces the history of a family in the Midwest through pain and loss. Somehow the family stays together in some sort of a unit and passes on traditions from one generation to the next. This is a lovely story and the author has great talent in writing. The emotions and the scenes come through very clearly. In particular, I really like the ending with a note of continuity and love. read
• 
  crash and burn
  A review of Steering Wheel (rev)
  by nedford on 11/09/2011
  FIRST IMPRESSIONS: 1) sun burnt (SUNBURNT is one word.) 2) An aged and comforting circle around a fake woodgrain horn plate. (Incomplete sentence.) 3) This wear that passes through his fingers daily was less and less a reminder of the years to him, it was more a reliable rein. (Awkward) 4) …or gap the plugs.(AND gap the plugs) 5) prohibition era (make this a compound... FIRST IMPRESSIONS:
  1) sun burnt (SUNBURNT is one word.)
  
  2) An aged and comforting circle around a fake woodgrain horn plate. (Incomplete sentence.)
  
  3) This wear that passes through his fingers daily was less and less a reminder of the years to him, it was more a reliable rein. (Awkward)
  
  4) …or gap the plugs.(AND gap the plugs)
  
  5) prohibition era (make this a compound adj: compound-era)
  
  6) City. Francis’s only home. (You need a comma here: City, Francis’s only home.)
  
  7) far off (far-off)
  
  8) Francis now less able to wipe as his elbow grease waned over the years, more of the residue of wax remained after each wash. (This is horrible.)
  
  9) The parts list of replacements went bumper to bumper, axles, joints, rotors, and gears. (Use a colon here - went bumper to bumper:)
  
  10) His scavenger foraging of junk yard supplies turned vintage stock riled
  Francis’s bid to maintain his steed in earnest. (Horrible writing)
  
  
  COMMENTS
  Before you do anything else you need to learn how to write. One suggestion: Take a book, any book, and start typing from it. This may get you in the rhythm of doing some real writing. Also, get yourself a Harbrace or just run a spell check at least. You might also want to check into English classes at your local community college.
  
  Once you get the basics down, I suggest you then resubmit your story. read
• 
  wooden people
  A review of Steering Wheel (rev)
  by chessaol on 10/31/2011
  The story is about a family of stable hard working reliable people and how they got that way… The storyline uses a Ford station wagon as a vehicle to give continuity and purpose to the storyline. That is clever, nothing else in the entire story is clever, amusing, funny or interesting. Why not? This is a story about a family growing up and developing into reliable adults...
  The story is about a family of stable hard working reliable people and how they got that way…
  
  The storyline uses a Ford station wagon as a vehicle to give continuity and purpose to the storyline. That is clever, nothing else in the entire story is clever, amusing, funny or interesting. Why not? This is a story about a family growing up and developing into reliable adults without any human emotion. God help us all!
  
  Why would a person not dedicated to doing reviews read this story? There is no hook to draw the reader into the story and no human emotion or bright spots to liven up the tale so that the reader enjoys the story.
  
  The story is devoid of dialogue and I think heavy use of dialogue would help the story. In a family where nobody talks to anybody else dialogue would move the characters around more naturally and the interactions would humanize an otherwise boring story.
  
  The writing style was rich and descriptive which I like but the total deadpan delivery foiled everything.
  Grammar was good and spell checker has carefully been used like the story.
  
  The characters were all three dimensional and well cared for. I give highest marks for the characters and think they deserve a more human treatment.
  
  Did I like the story? I don’t know?
  I enjoyed the rich descriptive style but after a while the deadpan delivery was like listening to a chemistry class lecture. The words were important and well delivered but the style was hard to keep interested in.
  The story started at a slow pace and we met a car. There should have been something then that surprised, motivated or thrilled us about there to build interest. The characters were slowly developed, did I say SLOWLY. Very well developed which is a plus but more excitement and humanness needs to be added.
  
  This is a typical story that has worked its way past revisions. The corrections in the grammar and the rewrites indeed make a perfect but unreadable piece of paper. The grammar problems are in the past and now attention needs to be focused on the story path. read
• 
  On the road to....where?
  A review of Steering Wheel (rev)
  by Rich Berry on 05/12/2011
  This is a story about...well, I don't really know what. It's either an account of dull events in the lives of dull people or a deep story with profound meaning, the subtleties of which are lost on this reader. The characters are flat. If asked to chose a color to describe them I would answer "grey". The info about their marriages, vocations, etc. tell the reader nothing about... This is a story about...well, I don't really know what.
  
  It's either an account of dull events in the lives of dull people or a deep story with profound meaning, the subtleties of which are lost on this reader.
  
  The characters are flat. If asked to chose a color to describe them I would answer "grey". The info about their marriages, vocations, etc. tell the reader nothing about who these people are inside. And this piece, with no defined plot, is all about the characters so unless we get to know them it is impossible to care what happens to them.
  
  I'd like to think the story is about moving on, perhaps some kind of closure. The removal of the chairs from a setting in which they were never used to a place where they were immediately put to use leads in that direction but maybe I'm just groping for an answer.
  
  Well written except for some convoluted and confusing sentences.
  
  Good luck, RB read
• 
  Francis Drives The Squire
  A review of Steering Wheel (rev)
  by Bluehigh on 05/01/2011
  Please keep in mind that all that follows is nothing more than my opinion. And as we all know, there is no such thing as a humble opinion. This story was as difficult a read as anything that I’ve read on Triggerstreet. As I read it, it occurred to me that English may very well not be your native language. That’s the only reason that I pressed on. The overly convoluted sentence... Please keep in mind that all that follows is nothing more than my opinion. And as we all know, there is no such thing as a humble opinion.
  
  This story was as difficult a read as anything that I’ve read on Triggerstreet. As I read it, it occurred to me that English may very well not be your native language. That’s the only reason that I pressed on. The overly convoluted sentence structure, abrupt tense changes, and apparent lack of story spine made this a challenge.
  
  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not one of those who believe that every story must always be shown and not told. I am also a fan of the circuitous, weaving approach that you attempt to employ in this story. I appreciate that style. Many of my favorite writers have done it well: Faulkner, Foster-Wallace, Harrison, Rushdie, and Hemingway to name a few. But to pull it off it is imperative to have a very solid spine to hold everything up. Oftentimes the most effective spine in this situation is a very simple one. There needs to be something to anchor the reader down.
  
  I see a vague reference to a spine with Francis driving the Squire, and then ending with him running over the muffler in the road. But make it more definitive and active. Make Francis active in order to emphasize the “telling”. The approach you’ve chosen absolutely requires a strong spine; something to take us from point A to point B while we delve into Francis and his family. You lack this.
  
  Also, each diversion—and there are many—must be strongly linked to the immediate narrative in a way that demonstrates its relevance as quickly and subtly as possible without being jarring. One way of aiding in this, along with carefully chosen words, is the use of something that indicates the transition to the reader; an extra paragraph break, asterisk, etc.
  
  For example, on page 1: Francis wasn’t motivated by the car’s beauty, but its endurance. He no longer told of, and less and less remembered, the tales of a careless grandfather who’d crashed Model T’s and two-door coupes leaving them strewn about the streets of Chicago.
  
  In that passage we are suddenly ripped from one story and placed into another. There is no transition. No apparent relevance. Nothing to prepare the reader. It is not conducive to clarity.
  
  Then we are plunked down in 1978 when Francis purchases the Squire. It is then that some semblance of relevance to grandpa is established.
  
  Throughout the story the relevance of each diversion is quite tenuous. A big part of the reason is because of the convoluted, mushy sentence structure. Examples of that are as follows:
  
  Page 2: As a young family man Francis, being square with the world and having the finances, bought his first new car in 1978. A gleaming white Ford Country Squire station wagon with fake wood grain paneling.
  
  Remember, the point you’re trying to make is that Francis bought the Squire in 1978. That’s an awful lot of words and two sentences to establish that.
  
  Page 3: The family rode close those early years when the wagon motored west to San Juan Capistrano. A quest for spirituality from old world men of cloth who might see in the light of Francis’ eyes the want of redemption. Francis was a man who quietly needed the word of God. But, he had mistaken his own self as the damaged soul of past generations and complicated the words that heal. The seats, front for him and a woman, a wife, Marie, back for the trinity of offspring.
  
  That’s 88 words in five sentences to transition to Francis’ life with his family. The first sentence is one of the best in the whole piece. The second, third, and fourth sentences are a mystery as to their relevance. The final sentence finally brings us back, but kicking and screaming. I say kicking and screaming because you tell us that his wife is indeed a woman and you represent three kids as “the trinity of offspring”.
  
  By the time I got to the kids, Marie, Khoo, Qeu, and the Francis Family Saga, I was exhausted. It’s not a complicated story, but trying to navigate the mechanics is trying.
  
  I like and admire the idea and even the approach of what you are attempting to do with this story. What I suggest you do is work on the mechanics, and to develop a stronger spine from which to hang the overall story. Punch up Francis’ trip that is alluded to. It begins with him driving the Squire and ends with him running over the muffler. Also, be mindful of the several times you inexplicably change tense.
  
  I’d also suggest reading this story out loud. Doing so would help you spot the many awkward sentences and use of punctuation. By carefully choosing your words, with an eye to brevity, you would probably cut out four pages and hugely boost the impact that this story is capable of.
  
  Thanks for the read, and best of luck. read
• 
  Steering Wheel Review
  A review of Steering Wheel (rev)
  by Shelley Tan on 05/01/2011
  I am of the era of the Country Squire station wagon and my father drove one so initially this story was appealing to me. I liked the concept about the deep connection the main character and the care he lavished on it. However, right out of the gate there are some problems: "Francis’s hands slid over the once brown, now a sun burnt tan, molded plastic steering wheel. An aged... I am of the era of the Country Squire station wagon and my father drove one so initially this story was appealing to me. I liked the concept about the deep connection the main character and the care he lavished on it. However, right out of the gate there are some problems: "Francis’s hands slid over the once brown, now a sun burnt tan, molded plastic steering wheel. An aged and comforting circle around a fake woodgrain horn plate." The story begins with a misspelling (sunburnt, an incorrect use of the posssessive (Francis') and a sentence fragment. Also, the syntax used in the story is very reminiscent of German with multiple adjectives before the subject of the sentence. This pattern continues throughout the story which makes it difficult for the reader to follow the storyline. Also, it is unclear in the opening paragrath what "mission" the Country Squire station wagon had to endure.
  
  The description/back story of Francis' father is awkward:
  
  "Those notorious tales have faded, the ears they’d bent, long echoing the lessons of failure, have retreated. Those days of fear had taken their toll on grandpa, and the dregs of the Chicago streets, they retreated, finally settled in, the safety of northern Michigan’s
  Traverse City. Francis’s only home.
  
  Traverse City was a place where these tough but wanted men..."
  
  Without more direct detail, it is difficult to feel much about grandpa such as why the stories about him were "notorious" and why he was a failure. And what kind of men are "tough but wanted?" Wanted as in by the law? It seems so later in the story, but there must be a more effective way to describe these men.
  
  Generally, this story is written with a liberal dose of gerunds, participles and gerundives which makes the effect passive instead of active. The result, for me anyway, is confusing and lacks impact.
  
  I liked the description of Francis on pg 4-5 because it hints of his life with Marie:
  
  "These days Francis steers the wagon, guiding it more carefully as he knows it’s best not to be driven. His skin, as tarnished as the steering wheel, washed over years by Dial soaps and washcloth has dulled in a ritual of removing dirt and daily grind. A body rarely given the glow of Marie’s touch to smooth and polish."
  
  On pg 9: "The trip to Saginaw was always a descent one for Francis..." It is unclear if the writer intends to use the word "decent." Also, "Though, with the passing of Marie, and the chairs in back, he’d found a sense of wander as he drove." Is that "wonder?"
  
  On pg 12, there is no transition from Francis at Bernie's apartment and "driving north for hours.." Aslo, Francis' visit with Bernie and Qeu seems empty as there is no dialogue, just bare bones description which is, apparently, supposed to suggest a continuation of domestic, familial tradition, but seems undeveloped.
  
  I don't understand the reason Francis left the Country Squire station wagon with Danielle and I do not understand the import of the last sentence; "Their way continues on." Perhaps the writer's intention is to show the disconnect between all the family members, but there is not enough dialogue to support this in my view.
  
  While there are some interesting aspects to this short story, the problem of language hampers the development of the possible themes. The narrative style has the flavor of Faulkner's "The Sound and the Fury" but without the author's decisive point of view. read
• 
  A Family Portrait in Words (rev)
  A review of Steering Wheel (rev)
  by nick74 on 04/19/2011
  Hey Rod. Low and behold, I get the revised version. Much better. Much cleaner. I don't know if it's my state of mind or the fact that it's my 2nd reading in as many evenings or if your revision has worked its anticipated charms, but the revised version feels like exactly that --- revised. Honestly, I don't think your first posting of this story got its deserved ranking; I'm... Hey Rod.
  
  Low and behold, I get the revised version. Much better. Much cleaner. I don't know if it's my state of mind or the fact that it's my 2nd reading in as many evenings or if your revision has worked its anticipated charms, but the revised version feels like exactly that --- revised.
  
  Honestly, I don't think your first posting of this story got its deserved ranking; I'm nearly certain this one will. It is a unique story in that there is a great deal of exposition going on and zero dialog, but if a reader is in tune with the webs that we human characters weave and the depth of truth that can be found in so minuscule a thing as a steering wheel, fabric roses and an old '78 Ford Wagon, then your story hits the button --- with a sledge hammer.
  
  Just to conversate for a minute I have to share one of my most bewildering little fascinations to any story that, in my opinion, creates true, true art --- and it's in relation to a little known movie called Snow Falling on Cedars. The movie is about nothing of fascination. It's a love story between a 1940s journalist and a Chinese woman in an American refugee camp; nothing overly spectacular happens in it, nothing obviously popular, nothing remotely exciting, and it's in my top 20 movie list of all time. Not because of its content but because of its presentation. It's emotional, strangely intoxicating, truthful, human and all around delightful, if even in a dark temperamental sort of way. Those qualities, to me, is what Steering Wheel deftly exudes. It's done so deeply, and so insightfully that it finds itself becoming reminiscent of Hemmingway and Truman Capote.
  
  Maybe it's not one-hundred percent perfect in so much that you struggle with the same things that all of us no-editor-having writers struggle with like comma usage and sentence structure, but only from time to time. But with so much heart spilled out into these 14 pages, all centered around the meloncholy relationships of this dysfunctional, yet overtly common, family, those writer's woes are far outweighed. Good stuff, buddy.
  
  Nick read
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  Lost lives
  A review of Steering Wheel (rev)
  by bigheadx on 04/19/2011
  Thank you for the opportunity to read this short story. Although it is told from an older man's point of view, it wanders over the lives of his wife, children, and 1978 Ford station wagon in a David Foster Wallace-like manner, creating images flowing into other images without the narrative spine that might carry that reader completely into the author's mind (and story).... Thank you for the opportunity to read this short story. Although it is told from an older man's point of view, it wanders over the lives of his wife, children, and 1978 Ford station wagon in a David Foster Wallace-like manner, creating images flowing into other images without the narrative spine that might carry that reader completely into the author's mind (and story).
  
  Lives are capsulized and realized, the motivations of those characters illuminated in ways unaccomplished by other narrative approaches, with motivations partially if not entirely hidden. The son in an anonymous job, tenuously linked to the world of the car his father drives and married to an immigrant whose unknown past and language reflect his own relationship with his parents and siblings. A daughter who takes up where an (apparently) embittered mother left off, inheriting mom's plow and tow service that again ties the tale to the American auto. Everywhere, obscurity and uncertainty of purpose prevail, apparently, reflecting a man's memory of his past and his place in a present that seems more a dream than reality.
  
  Technically, proof-reading would improve this piece, as there are misspellings ("descent" instead of "decent," for exampe) and punctuation problems scattered throughout. The Foster Wallace atmosphere is further heightened by paragraphs that have no end, despite their depictions of disparate details. But there are moments here that harbor genuine genius, if the reader is willing to gently wipe away the opaque layers of opacity that obscure the clear but troubled waters beneath the surface of this American family. read