+ more submissions by Cheyenne30

Reviews of Support Down Under 7

• 
  Review of Support Down Under
  A review of Support Down Under
  by Hoggy on 12/29/2012
  I want to start by asking whether or not this iis something you have gone through or whether it happened to someone close to you. If so I applaud your efforts in trying to bring these issues to the page. I can't recall watching a film or reading another story where male eating disorders are dealt with. It is not an area I am involved with or have had to deal with and so I feel... I want to start by asking whether or not this iis something you have gone through or whether it happened to someone close to you. If so I applaud your efforts in trying to bring these issues to the page. I can't recall watching a film or reading another story where male eating disorders are dealt with. It is not an area I am involved with or have had to deal with and so I feel a little ill equipped to critique some aspects e.g. How it would feel to be in Paul's position. However, I can comment on the writing and I'm afraid this needs a lot of work. The tenses are mixed and the the description of both characters and the settings are familiar and don't add much to the story. The structure means that the 8 pages feel longer as nothing really happens. I don't mean that we need a lot of action but story is conflict and here I read a story about a troubled guy who meets this supposedly amazing woman (again your descriptions of her didn't really convey why she was so special) and she helps him. It seems like this should be a very emotive issue and this whole piece seems quite distant and removed.
  
  Good luck with any rewrites. read
• 
  Support Down Under - Review
  A review of Support Down Under
  by Karl Gorman on 09/04/2012
  At the start you have ‘It has not been an easy journey’ and later on you have ‘It has not been an easy road.’ This is feels too repetitive because they are both in the same paragraph. There is this sentence: ‘. . . there is a horror story waiting to unfold once again to the next young adult who is in desperate to hear it.’ The words ‘who is in desperate to hear it’ sounds... At the start you have ‘It has not been an easy journey’ and later on you have ‘It has not been an easy road.’ This is feels too repetitive because they are both in the same paragraph.
  
  There is this sentence: ‘. . . there is a horror story waiting to unfold once again to the next young adult who is in desperate to hear it.’ The words ‘who is in desperate to hear it’ sounds very odd.
  
  ‘I am to scared’ should be ‘I am too scared.’
  
  ‘She looked at me with big brown.’ You are missing the word ‘eyes.’
  
  “Paul it is wonder to have you here . . .” you mean “wonderful” not “wonder.”
  
  You should quote ‘Support Down Under’ in italics if it is already within a line of dialogue.
  
  ‘I guess I seemed shock by the interior.’ The word ‘shock’ should be ‘shocked.’
  
  ‘I had no choice to follow.’ You are missing the word ‘but.’
  
  ‘Twenty minutes later I walked down the stairs and turn to the left and found Donna in her office.’ This has past tens and present tense in the one line, which is awkward to read.
  
  ‘Fire place’ should be one word: ‘fireplace.’
  
  ‘She had a ton of old antiques in there and bookshelves full of books. I could not help myself and I had to go look at the bookshelves.’ All of this line is in past tense, but the whole story is supposed to be in present tense. Again, this feels awkward.
  
  “ . . . you have done wonderful . . .” I think you mean “wonderfully.”
  
  ‘Though I was very emotionally and still crying I had to smile.’ I think you mean “emotional” instead of “emotionally.”
  
  ‘. . . knowing it would be the last time I would be entering in her office as her client.’ Saying ‘entering in’ is too wordy. Just say ‘would be entering her office.’
  
  ‘I realize that there are much more for me to discover about myself.’ This reads very unevenly. Use the word ‘is’ instead of ‘are.’ read
• 
  Support Down Under Review
  A review of Support Down Under
  by Sukey on 04/17/2012
  The story of the man's struggle with his eating disorder and how his relationship with the horse helps him in the process of overcoming that is a really lovely idea. What hampers the reading of this tale are the many grammatical errors. The author continuously crosses from past tense to present tense which is jarring to read. I think with a little more concentration on the... The story of the man's struggle with his eating disorder and how his relationship with the horse helps him in the process of overcoming that is a really lovely idea. What hampers the reading of this tale are the many grammatical errors. The author continuously crosses from past tense to present tense which is jarring to read. I think with a little more concentration on the sentence structure and grammar this could be a lovely piece. A little more detail of the animals introduced would perhaps help emphasise his relationship with them. When Archie appears, I have no idea what he is, a dog I assume?
  read
• 
  Need more
  A review of Support Down Under
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 12/11/2011
  The premise of the story is interesting and you want to find out more about the background of the main character, but the story is just too short to go anywhere. The nugget of the idea is great, but the author needs to exapnd on this. There are only a few short scenes and you don’t really have any idea where it is going. Something nice does happen at the end, but to me this... The premise of the story is interesting and you want to find out more about the background of the main character, but the story is just too short to go anywhere. The nugget of the idea is great, but the author needs to exapnd on this. There are only a few short scenes and you don’t really have any idea where it is going. Something nice does happen at the end, but to me this felt like the beginning of something longer. read
• 
  Pass the salt and pain please.
  A review of Support Down Under
  by nick74 on 11/30/2011
  At the core of this story is a powerful narrative wanting to be shared. It's full of tenderness and compassion with a twist of human agony driving it which makes for an endearing blend of character and situation, not to mention a fine stage for revealing the idea of redemption. But there are a few minor failings inside the narrative that throw a stumbling block into the story... At the core of this story is a powerful narrative wanting to be shared. It's full of tenderness and compassion with a twist of human agony driving it which makes for an endearing blend of character and situation, not to mention a fine stage for revealing the idea of redemption. But there are a few minor failings inside the narrative that throw a stumbling block into the story. The biggest issue I had with it was the fact that, outside of only a line or two, no real character predicament was given. The mention that our main character has an eating disorder is made, however, his psychological problem would better be clarified to your audience if some history was given as to why and how he acquired it, how it has negatively affected him personally as well as the people around him, and why it is he finally made the decision to get well. Without these elements what is ultimately created is a story of solutions... but no real problems. That being said, it's easy to empathize with our protagonist and your writing made him a likable guy --- someone that I genuinely wanted to see succeed. Build on that and this story will begin to take flight.
  
  Also, there are numerous technical problems inside the prose. Punctuation, sentence structure, tenses, etc. But that's the easy stuff. Have a 2nd pair of eyes look over the story for any correctable language use and give a slow, thorough read over for yourself as well.
  
  I can see that your style as a fiction writer is gentle and melancholy, elements that can make for a real heart-puncher. You sculpt what you want rather well, now go back and sculpt why you want to say it. I think an audience will be drawn to this story with a rewrite that has that in mind. All and all, good job, nicely emotional... but a tad incomplete. I would like to read this one again if a 2nd upload is in the plan. read
• 
  A strange tale for dinner time
  A review of Support Down Under
  by f-ceska on 11/30/2011
  Concept: Good. I like the idea of a story told from the point of view of someone who is, or was, suffering from Anorexia Nervosa. I don’t know if this is something you have had personal experience with or not, but you certainly bring forth a lot of confusion and emotional disturbance which would naturally surround the issue. Story/structure: Good-Average. It’s not clear when... Concept: Good. I like the idea of a story told from the point of view of someone who is, or was, suffering from Anorexia Nervosa. I don’t know if this is something you have had personal experience with or not, but you certainly bring forth a lot of confusion and emotional disturbance which would naturally surround the issue.
  
  Story/structure: Good-Average. It’s not clear when things happen or what exactly happens in this story. The main problem in comprehension is caused by the constant changing of tenses between past and present. Also, the narrator jumps around between scenes and it’s impossible to keep up.
  
  Character/dialogue: Average. Again, both the narrator and Donna come across as confusing characters. We are inside the narrator’s head the whole time, and he seems very messed up. I don’t know if this is deliberate, but he manages to convey his feelings of confusion when he arrives at the help centre, again when he is having his first meeting with Donna, later when he rides Bella away and at the end. The dialogue in places is perhaps a bit too long.
  
  Overall: Average. I don’t know if the writer is a native speaker of English, but there are some serious issues with grammar and vocabulary which make it hard to understand the story. These would need to be straightened out so that the story can flow and be more readable. I believe this is an interesting story and the writer has things to say, so never give up and good luck.
  
  Nitpicks:
  p.1 first line: the word ‘what’ seems superfluous. It doesn’t make sense with this.
  p.1 Don’t understand this sentence: Even at times I had to be hard for Donna to be interacting with me.
  p.1 Gaining freedom = In order to gain…
  p.1 Donna Snyder – the way you introduce her, I thought at first she was the mare.
  p.1 A shiny beacon, in comparison to the block is the Snyder home.
  p.1 break through = breakthrough
  p.1 My nerves are already shot – why the change of tense from past to present?
  p.2 All I am able to do is stand – again, tense change.
  p.2 I am to scared = too scared
  p.2 “Paul it is wonder… = it is wonderful?
  ---- I stopped correcting grammar and tense at this point but there are still many issues ---
  p.5 Belle walks into Donna’s office?
  p.5 I ran out of my session with Donna (?) How is that clear? She told him to go for a ride with Bella.
  p.6 Who is Archie?
  p.7 whole = hole
  p.7 set = sat read
• 
  Sorry, but...
  A review of Support Down Under
  by MaxWatt on 11/30/2011
  "Support Down Under" has a great concept, which can be related to by many people. This is a very common issue that you're dealing with and you deserve to be commended for tackling it with such bravery. But I'll be blunt, the issues with it are numerous, and I'll try to cover them. It will be difficult to cover everything, but I feel as though I can give you the idea of what... "Support Down Under" has a great concept, which can be related to by many people. This is a very common issue that you're dealing with and you deserve to be commended for tackling it with such bravery. But I'll be blunt, the issues with it are numerous, and I'll try to cover them. It will be difficult to cover everything, but I feel as though I can give you the idea of what I mean by throwing out examples. Sorry if this comes across as harsh, but I don't see how this review can benefit you if it's candy-coated.
  
  Reading this, it doesn't seem as though English is your first language. The wrong words are used, it shifts from past to present tense from sentence to sentence. Until the basic technicalities are learned there is really no point of me going into depth about other things.
  
  "Sitting in the barn with my favorite mare nosing me gently for a treat" - too long a sentence.
  
  "I cannot help but think about what my last several months at Support Down Under." - This is common in your story, it has random words in sentences.
  
  "Even at times I had to be hard for Donna to be interacting with me" - what do you mean? This isn't clear enough.
  
  Your writing can be improved by being more concise and clear, for instance, this is one of your paragraphs:
  
  "I sat there on the couch staring into the fire place. I feel lost. Where do I start with my
  story? How much do I communicate her? How much do I keep to myself? What should I allow
  in the open? Donna looks at me and says quietly, “Paul you do not have to tell me everything
  today. Just give me a brief description of what you went through that lead to you having an
  eating disorder.” I turn and look at her, sighing deeply. I am not even able to remember when the
  first time I dappled with being anorexic."
  
  This is how I think it should be:
  "I sat there on the couch staring into the fire. I felt lost. Where would I start with my
  story? How much should I tell her?
  Donna looked at me and whispered, “Paul, you don't have to tell me everything.”
  I turned and looked at her, sighing deeply. I could not even remember how the illness took me over."
  
  It's shorter, and more succinct. Read any professional story, look at how concise it is. It's hard to write with accuracy, it's easy to just keep going. If you investigate some professional products you will see the difference.
  
  The dialogue too. The characters have no voices, they say too much, and in such an unnatural way. I covered this in the reworking of the paragraph.
  
  Good luck to you. this is a good concept, you just need to work out the technical issues first. read