Reviews of Text Me 11

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  Review: Text Me
  A review of Text Me
  by writermorris on 04/12/2013
  This isn't a patch on 'The Patch,' - Sorry couldn't resist the pun. You are an interesting writer. You have terrific ideas, but I still think you are developing your own style and technique. Again no page numbers and that is a big no no, if you want to sell your stories. However you can write, I enjoyed this story even if it did ramble all over the place. It needs a could tight... This isn't a patch on 'The Patch,' - Sorry couldn't resist the pun. You are an interesting writer. You have terrific ideas, but I still think you are developing your own style and technique. Again no page numbers and that is a big no no, if you want to sell your stories. However you can write, I enjoyed this story even if it did ramble all over the place. It needs a could tight rewrite. The big thing that would improve this is to put the actual text words in a different font or capital letters to make them stand out from the rest of the dialogue and action going on in the page. You have got a wonderful ending there, just work on the rest and this will be very good indeed. read
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  Texts from the other side.
  A review of Text Me
  by Stephen Dawes on 12/05/2010
  This story has potential. I like the twist in the plot - a modern version of hearing voices from beyond the grave. The relationship between a father and a teenage daughter almost hits the spot - but not quite. It may be something to do with the tense used which seems more like directions given in a script. e.g. "She was right. In a few seconds after hanging up her phone the... This story has potential. I like the twist in the plot - a modern version of hearing voices from beyond the grave.
  The relationship between a father and a teenage daughter almost hits the spot - but not quite. It may be something to do with the tense used which seems more like directions given in a script. e.g.
  "She was right. In a few seconds after hanging up her phone the door opens and in
  comes her father."
  
  There are several examples of this which disrupt the flow of the story telling.
  
  The story needs to be a little longer, developing the characters. e.g. The luau and Palo seem almost pointless in the context of the story.
  
  All the best.
  read
• 
  Script or fiction?
  A review of Text Me
  by Milum on 07/27/2010
  I get the sense that this story would be better served as a screenplay. It is extremely dialogue-heavy. I suspect that it has either started life as a screenplay or you are a screenwriter. It’s very difficult to move from writing scripts to writing fiction. I’ve found it very difficult to get my narrator’s voice to sound right. As a consequence I have written most of my fiction... I get the sense that this story would be better served as a screenplay. It is extremely dialogue-heavy. I suspect that it has either started life as a screenplay or you are a screenwriter. It’s very difficult to move from writing scripts to writing fiction. I’ve found it very difficult to get my narrator’s voice to sound right. As a consequence I have written most of my fiction in present-tense first-person.
  
  Your prose is written in a very uncomfortable tense. Your narration flicks back and forth between present tense – “Her father waits for a response that never comes”, future tense – “Over the next few days Shannon develops her texting skills” and past tense “Shannon awoke to find her phone flashing.”
  
  One example of this:
  
  After only a few seconds she grabbed her tiny bag and ran into the bathroom. A few seconds later she jumps out
  wearing her swimsuit
  
  Past and present tense in two sentences.
  
  Unfortunately the dialogue sounds very laden as well. I didn’t feel the piece ever flowed properly. Your characters repeat information to each other that we already know. For example:
  
  “Oh Palo you are so great and this by far has been the best night of my life, but it
  is getting late and I promised my father I would not stay out too late.”
  
  Sounds stilted and unrealistic to me.
  
  Also, there are snatches of dialogue that do not carry the story forward, e.g.:
  
  “What’s that song,” her father asked?
  “I have no idea”
  
  I can see why you have included this (the unfamiliar ringtone is perhaps a result of Brittany’s ghostly influence) but it does not reach the desired effect and it slows the story down.
  
  Whether you end up with this story as a script or fiction you need to work on some of your description.
  
  To use an example, you write that:
  
  “Ever since the divorce his relationship between them has suffered”
  
  You need to show this, rather than tell us. Perhaps Dad tries to cuddle her, and she doesn’t want to, perhaps he calls her his “little baby girl” and she screams out “eughh” in disgust.
  
  There are quite a few examples of this lazy description throughout the piece. Such as:
  
  “The plane ride was beyond amazing and both loved the view of the ocean. This was also a first for her father who has never been outside of their home town.”
  
  Show us this – they are landing on an amazing island, with rich scenery, sounds and colours, but I got no sense of the beauty of their surroundings - of the father's amazement, of the girls excitement.
  
  Despite the flaws in this piece I really liked the twist at the end of the story. I genuinely did not see it coming. Although it’s a twist that has been done before, you can present it quite originally by working on your plot more. Accentuate the relationship between father and daughter. Ramp up your description of the location. You have the potential to produce a ghostly drama that touches on dramatic teenage relationship issues too. read
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  Respond to your text messages if you know what's good for you.
  A review of Text Me
  by bigheadx on 02/10/2010
  Thanks for the opportunity to read your short story. This reader noted some problems with grammar and punctuation (see below) but they did not inhibit the read. However, in this reader's humble opinion, your concept is incredibly ripe with possibilities that don't come to fruition on the page. For one thing, your characters lack the "flesh" necessary to make a reader interested... Thanks for the opportunity to read your short story. This reader noted some problems with grammar and punctuation (see below) but they did not inhibit the read. However, in this reader's humble opinion, your concept is incredibly ripe with possibilities that don't come to fruition on the page.
  
  For one thing, your characters lack the "flesh" necessary to make a reader interested in their problems. Divorced father? No mention of how it happened or affected him and the daughter. They receive news of winning a prize trip to Hawaii and respond as if it's a free meal at Denny's. In order for readers to care about your characters we need to know more than what we are given in your brief sketches: "The rest of the night was spent with her crying or being a little spoiled brat." "He planned to spend the next couple of hours unpacking and checking out island TV."
  
  Even with a fine concept like yours, your characters have to live and breathe and, unfortunately, Shannon and her dad just don't do that on the page.
  
  Step back and examine your concept: A teen-age girl gets a cellphone and, of course, goes nuts with the texting. When an event occurs that distracts her from a friend, she leaves that friend hanging and doesn't respond to text messages. When the event ends, she comes home, texts her friend, but gets no answer. Searching for answers, she phones and gets the friend's mother, who informs her the friend was killed days ago. This is great stuff! Now make it bloom on the page so that by the end we feel as if we've seen a classic "Twilight Zone" or read a Stephen King short story.
  
  Good luck!!
  
  ======================
  Typos/Word Choice/Grammar [ NP=new paragraph suggested ]
  
  “Hey Shannon I forgot to tell you that your phone has free text.” - “Hey, Shannon, I forgot to tell you that your phone has free text.”
  
  If their existed a typing job - If there existed a typing job
  
  Talk to u later, your best friend forever - [in texting, wouldn't this be something like TTYL, BFF?]
  
  Out of no where - Out of nowhere
  
  Oh by the way Ben has not written me back - Oh, by the way, Ben has not written me back
  
  The day finally arrived and without a moments notice - The day finally arrived and without a moment's notice [also, not sure what this means]
  
  Shannon is walking down the hall. - [reads more like a script direction than prose, and avoid passive verbs... She trots down the hall, skips down the hall, etc.]
  
  “Welcome to Hawaii Shannon.” - “Welcome to Hawaii, Shannon.”
  
  Its only two blocks that way - It's only two blocks that way
  
  “No look you called my daughters phone and gave us the prize - “No, look, you called my daughter's phone and gave us the prize [also, indicate somehow that he is alternating between the phone call and Shannon]
  
  “Oh just be carful and do not talk to any boys.” - “Oh, just be careful and do not talk to any boys.” [awfully trusting father, in a strange place with a young daughter]
  
  They end the night with a kiss and plans to see each other the next few days. She enters the room to discover her father sitting on the end of the bed. [you are jamming a lot of things in here, including a passage of time]
  
  ask you for directions - [?? what does this mean?]
  
  They depressingly boarded the plane - [ awkward, why not just describe their feelings as they wait in the boarding area?] read
• 
  The phones gone dead
  A review of Text Me
  by Leemanchee on 07/30/2009
  Nice idea, poorly executed. CONCEPT: Teenage girl wins a holiday of a lifetime, meets boy of her dreams. In the process forgets her best friend, resulting in a sinister twist. The idea is very interesting, texting form the grave. I think if you could build on the idea and develop the characters and emotions then the twist would have a lot more impact. It would have been... Nice idea, poorly executed.
  
  CONCEPT: Teenage girl wins a holiday of a lifetime, meets boy of her dreams. In the process forgets her best friend, resulting in a sinister twist.
  
  The idea is very interesting, texting form the grave. I think if you could build on the idea and develop the characters and emotions then the twist would have a lot more impact.
  
  It would have been interesting if out of jelousy Brit haunted Palo to the point he resents Shannon maybe. Her dad could get strange calls, lose his job maybe. I think if you brought the world tumbling down then throw in a twist it would work so much better.
  
  I also thought Brits revenge a little extreme, you need a bigger reason for being so physco. Maybe Shannon pinches her boyfriend. Best friends forever is a nice thing to play on.
  
  CHARACTERS: Fairly 2d at the moment. They were purely based on the dialogue. The story consisted of actions and not enough detail. This could be a much bigger story. The awkward teenage daughter tale is not a new one, so how can you make your story different? We need to like Shannon, maybe she's nice and looks out for her dad. Mom isn't around, why? Why has dad never been out of town before? We know nothing of Brit other than her texts. We need to experience this friendship before she leaves.
  
  DIALOGUE: The story was heavy with it. You also used speech marks for the texts. I would avoid this, maybe put them in italic. It confused parts of the dialogue when a text was received.
  
  Your speech was pretty generic too. Typical moody teenager, typical softy dad, all a bit un-original.
  
  STORY: Very fast and felt rushed. Time jumped in small spaces. One minute here, the next somewhere else. The core idea is superb. I really liked it. I actually got a shiver when the transparent Brit was stood in the room. Would she really kill her friend for not replying to a few texts?
  
  Maybe tell it from Brit's perspective. Maybe from Shannons. Whichever way you do it, it needs to be smoothed out. Make the twist a real big surprise. As soon as the mom answers, I guessed.
  
  STRUCTURE: Rushed. Needs to be smoothed out. Grammar seemed ok.
  
  OVERALL: Love the concept. Feel you got excited about the idea and wrote it down in haste to get feedback. Which is cool, because you need to make this idea work.
  
  You have me thinking, so it's a big positive.
  
  Good luck with this one, let me know if you re-write it.
  
  Thanks for sharing. read
• 
  great twist
  A review of Text Me
  by WildIrishRose on 10/14/2008
  This was a very clever story that kept me interested indeed. It is about a young girls love for her phone and all the stuff that comes with owning a phone of her own at last. We are led up to believe in the story until it takes a supernatural turn in giving the climax and the twist. The only things I would say need improving are the dialogue between the father and daughter... This was a very clever story that kept me interested indeed.
  
  It is about a young girls love for her phone and all the stuff that comes with owning a phone of her own at last.
  
  We are led up to believe in the story until it takes a supernatural turn in giving the climax and the twist.
  
  The only things I would say need improving are the dialogue between the father and daughter its a bit stilted and unnatural, and the text talk.
  
  It would have been better to put the text in text language as she receives it? (with the explanation in italics perhaps?) The kids I know use a kind of short hand in messaging...
  
  for example
  
  HI I msd u 2 hpe we cn se u on fday.
  (Hi I missed you too hope we can see you on friday)
  
  Other than that a great little story indeed and good style.
  
  
  read
• 
  Bad.
  A review of Text Me
  by victenn on 09/16/2008
  Not what I expected. In other cases, that would have been good. Here, it's not the case. it started as a teen story. Something about teenagers and their love of mobile phones. Then the father daughter relationship was in the limelight, and I thought, 'ok, so this was actually the aim'. Then it developed still further, with her falling in love,and we were back to the teenage... Not what I expected. In other cases, that would have been good. Here, it's not the case. it started as a teen story. Something about teenagers and their love of mobile phones. Then the father daughter relationship was in the limelight, and I thought, 'ok, so this was actually the aim'. Then it developed still further, with her falling in love,and we were back to the teenage angst and the attached themes. Then, finally, Shannon gets home and phones Brittany. Reading that the latter was dead, I thought there was a mistake somewhere. I however refused to think it was a supernatural story, and rather thought that Shannon was victim of some perv. Too bad, it was sci-fi.
  Next time around, if you could please put forward the main theme, and aim, it would clear things up and ease the reading. Your writing ain't bad at all. It's just the story that doesn't follow.
  Thanks anyway. read
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  Taking texting to the next level
  A review of Text Me
  by M. Andrew Sprong on 07/22/2008
  First, I’ll give my gripes and then the praise. You know the Bad news versus Good news bit. Grammar took a very big hit with me, primarily in the way the Author kept jumping from present verb tense to past without regard for my jangled nerves. The comma, long lost relative of “I can’t say another word! May I please take a breath?” needs a little more attention. I find... First, I’ll give my gripes and then the praise. You know the Bad news versus Good news bit. Grammar took a very big hit with me, primarily in the way the Author kept jumping from present verb tense to past without regard for my jangled nerves. The comma, long lost relative of “I can’t say another word! May I please take a breath?” needs a little more attention. I find reading aloud helps quit a bit with that sort of thing, and you really should put a comma in the natural places a flesh and blood human would ordinarily take a breath. Mind you, android text-to-speech thingies don’t count. In addition, the characters are terribly one-dimensional, though some people would say fully fleshed-out characters are not essential to this sort of the story line, mostly. Humph, now I’ll get onto the good news…
  
  I like the story very much. I especially loved the trailing plot twist. It makes me glad, yet again, that I haven’t any teenage daughters, though I suspect my boys will probably get pulled into similar subservience to technology. The characters were mostly believable though, while the suddenly generous Daddy was just a bit over the top, the Author does a nice save to believability with his other reactions to events. The dialog was decent as well, but I did notice one glaring flaw: If the story was about texting, why weren’t the text dialogs done in the compressed and high subjective forms of text-speech so popular today? Oh, oh, I’ll answer you question for you. Most readers would probably collapse in brain straining strokes after just a few line of text-speech and would likely punt after page four.
  
  Overall, I would have given the story a recommend, but the grammar, and gauzy characters were too severe for even my generous sympathies to ignore. Fix those defects, and I will without reservation, happily give the story a recommend.
  read
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  could use an edit
  A review of Text Me
  by robertegblack on 07/21/2008
  the basic idea to "text me" is nice, and given some more depth and more length could make for a good story. it would definitely need more emotional depth, as the relationship with palo is too shallow here even for a teenager thing and the friendship with brittney has little going for it, but probably wouldn't take much to make it work. (oh, and those text messages are too long... the basic idea to "text me" is nice, and given some more depth and more length could make for a good story. it would definitely need more emotional depth, as the relationship with palo is too shallow here even for a teenager thing and the friendship with brittney has little going for it, but probably wouldn't take much to make it work. (oh, and those text messages are too long and wordy to be realistic.) but, the real editing needs to go for two things: the punctuation in the dialogue--a few too many run on sentences which should be separated by periods, not commas--and the tense of the rest of the story--it shifts, sometimes mid-paragraph (and i think even once mid-sentence) between past and present tense, and obviously not for effect. easily fixed though. read
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  Best Friends Forever.....
  A review of Text Me
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 07/18/2008
  Pretty cool concept, good writing, & skin-crawling twist. I think you are on the right path w/ the story, but I feel it could use a little tweaking here, & tightening up there. I like the characters--all real, & vivid. I didn't feel 'transported' to Hawaii--but I get the point. I'm mixed over your twist-ending. It is very good/effective, but I didn't buy into it in this version... Pretty cool concept, good writing, & skin-crawling twist.
  
  I think you are on the right path w/ the story, but I feel it could use a little tweaking here, & tightening up there. I like the characters--all real, & vivid.
  
  I didn't feel 'transported' to Hawaii--but I get the point. I'm mixed over your twist-ending. It is very good/effective, but I didn't buy into it in this version. I know this sounds contradictive, but actually, I think it's very good in concept, but needs to be set-up a bit better.
  
  I understand the genre, & you do a nice job of masking the climax. But I think you need to come up w/ a way to foreshadow this w/out giving it away. This is the tricky & tough part. If you could find a way to have Britney/Shannon spend time together, & less time on the vacation/father, it may work--again, it may not, but I think 'we' have to have a connection w/ the characters/relationship to buy the twist-ending--just my take.
  
  Anyway, I think you are on the right track. Good luck. read