Reviews of The Beautiful People 10

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  Review: The Beautiful People
  A review of The Beautiful People
  by writermorris on 03/14/2013
  I'll be candid I've read variations of this story all my life, but I suppose 'One Flew Over The Cuckoo Nest' is the most famous. But to be fair, this writer made a good fist of this. I enjoyed the dreamlike quality of the writing, the sheer boredom of what life must be like in a mental hospital was well drawn and portrayed with a real honesty. In my humble opinion it could... I'll be candid I've read variations of this story all my life, but I suppose 'One Flew Over The Cuckoo Nest' is the most famous. But to be fair, this writer made a good fist of this. I enjoyed the dreamlike quality of the writing, the sheer boredom of what life must be like in a mental hospital was well drawn and portrayed with a real honesty.
  In my humble opinion it could be improved by maybe cutting two or three pages and raising the action more in the early pages. I honestly don't think you could sell this story in it's present form because it is more like an essay than an actual story, there wasn't a lot of dialogue to drive the narrative along at a faster pace. I do think however that you have an original voice and look forward to reviewing other work of yours. read
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  Pretty interesting read
  A review of The Beautiful People
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 08/17/2012
  I thought your story was a rather good read. Dialogue was for the most part natural. To be picky, the voice of the main character/ narrator could've been a bit richer. In other words, for me, it was in and out of character. I'm not talking uneven, I mean more defined by a trait or traits. You sort of get the sense of a bland personality. I mean how would you describe her? Sarcastic,... I thought your story was a rather good read. Dialogue was for the most part natural. To be picky, the voice of the main character/ narrator could've been a bit richer. In other words, for me, it was in and out of character. I'm not talking uneven, I mean more defined by a trait or traits. You sort of get the sense of a bland personality. I mean how would you describe her? Sarcastic, energetic, foul-mouthed, etc? I would've liked to have been able to assign a trait or traits like that to the voice but couldn't really, which I think would've boosted the story. Might have to read it again but slightly confused on if that really happened or if it was an hallucination or what. The end was a bit shocking but effective. read
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  Beautiful People
  A review of The Beautiful People
  by eiltory on 06/26/2011
  Your story hooked me from the beginning, and I was immediately drawn into the world of Kirsty. There is actually little I would offer in the way of advice, except to perhaps elaborate on the reason the main character is in the hospital at such a young age. The pink marks on her arm - obviously she cut herself - why? The ending is, sadly, quite believable and the manner in... Your story hooked me from the beginning, and I was immediately drawn into the world of Kirsty. There is actually little I would offer in the way of advice, except to perhaps elaborate on the reason the main character is in the hospital at such a young age. The pink marks on her arm - obviously she cut herself - why? The ending is, sadly, quite believable and the manner in which you related the deaths added to the twist.
  
  I enjoyed this a great deal. read
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  Twist in the tale
  A review of The Beautiful People
  by maxcrisp on 06/16/2011
  The Beautiful People is a short story written from the point of a view of a girl committed to a mental asylum, in which we eventually discover nefarious practises are being carried out. The prose is clean and fluid and the author drops in illuminating details throughout the story creating an ever-changing scenario. It's a challenge to write first-person from the point of view... The Beautiful People is a short story written from the point of a view of a girl committed to a mental asylum, in which we eventually discover nefarious practises are being carried out. The prose is clean and fluid and the author drops in illuminating details throughout the story creating an ever-changing scenario.
  
  It's a challenge to write first-person from the point of view of a mentally ill person, both theoretically and practically. I think the writer here has achieved a good amount of success, particularly through the careful distribution of information, as it meets both logical and illogical requirements.
  
  Having said that I'm not convinced that the reader is given enough closure at the end of the story. The denouement is masterly and its unexpected nature gives the tale a macabre twist, but I am left wondering the significance of The Beautiful People. On this basis, I'll limit my recommendations to re-titling the story to something like The Spirit Gardens.
  
  All in, this is a solid piece of work from a crafty and deft writer. Its main asset is the shining voice of the narrator. read
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  Touching Story Well Written
  A review of The Beautiful People
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 06/08/2011
  The Beautiful People. Name is filled with such poignant irony it brings tears. And what separates so called beautiful people outside walls from beautiful people blocked behind walls? Maybe just one lucky break, one favor, one good friend. The narrator suffers much loss -- family, friends, other patients she knows -- but she is brave, this one. She has big heart, big curiousity,... The Beautiful People. Name is filled with such poignant irony it brings tears. And what separates so called beautiful people outside walls from beautiful people blocked behind walls? Maybe just one lucky break, one favor, one good friend. The narrator suffers much loss -- family, friends, other patients she knows -- but she is brave, this one. She has big heart, big curiousity, and courage enough for run to freedom. One man’s escapee is other man’s hero or heroine. Story is like the film The Great Escape in miniature, only is more heartfelt and at the end even somehow more terrible. Name of fucking Nurse Hitler doesn’t begin to cover this one’s cruelty. You are very good writer, very good storyteller. Very excellent at creating characters readers cannot help but care about. From beginning to end situation is hopeless, we know this, but you write in such way as to make us hope against hope. We think, maybe this one gets away. At least horrid monster is exposed and justice is done in the end. Although for inmates cruelly killed there is never justice. Anyway, this story is well written, and I give high grades. And I apologize for shitty English I speak. read
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  Madness is as madness does
  A review of The Beautiful People
  by bigheadx on 05/11/2011
  Thank you for the opportunity to read this interesting short story. This reader feels you have nicely captured the personality and "voice" of a young woman in a mental hospital. It might be nice to reveal more of her perception of her illness, what brought her to the hospital, etc. (Specific comments/suggestions are below.) Your powerful ending works well but might work... Thank you for the opportunity to read this interesting short story. This reader feels you have nicely captured the personality and "voice" of a young woman in a mental hospital. It might be nice to reveal more of her perception of her illness, what brought her to the hospital, etc. (Specific comments/suggestions are below.)
  
  Your powerful ending works well but might work even better if you had foreshadowed in some way the experiments done by the doctor. You have done so using Sam's disappearance, but I do not recall other disappearing patients. There is also no mention, as far I as read, of this doctor. Referencing him at some point (all powerful, mysterious, too jolly, too harsh, etc.) in your story would have produced an even greater payoff at the end.
  
  Good luck!
  
  TYPOS - GRAMMAR - WORD CHOICE - [suggestions]
  
  [need page numbers, please; and why extra lines between paragraphs?]
  
  perhaps to check they’re still there - perhaps to check if/that they’re still there
  
  Watching Mrs. Johnson bring her - [new paragraph for greater impact?]
  
  have something to do around there - [ you're writing indicates a view from within the facility, why use "there" instead of "here?"]
  
  t.v. - TV or television
  
  slammed her hand on the table and screamed
  “SNAP!!!” - slammed her hand on the table and screamed, “SNAP!” (no paragraph break for "SNAP!"
  
  Sam shoot up from his chair - Sam shot up from his chair
  
  He grabbed the end of the table and flipping it over - He grabbed the end of the table and flipped it over
  
  “I don’t think we have enough cigarettes to last the week.” she said. - [great!]
  
  Sam to come down as usual, beside the sliding doors that led onto our floor but that’s all I found myself doing, waiting - Sam to come down as usual, beside the sliding doors that led onto our floor, but that’s all I found myself doing, waiting
  
  “Sam’s not here yet.” I explained - “Sam’s not here yet,” I explained
  
  I turned the corner to his room - [new paragraph]
  
  a stocky woman / a sketchy little woman - [which is it? both? if so, you may want to combine the physical (little/stocky) and let "sketchy" stand on its own as a character description]
  
  “I found where Sam is.” he stated. - “I found where Sam is," he stated. [many examples of this punctuation error]
  
  No one ever knew it was her that gave us the code although come the following - No one ever knew it was her that gave us the code, although come the following
  
  My view! I could see it! - [new paragraph]
  
  The lock on the gate broke though and I was catapulted - The lock on the gate broke, though, and I was catapulted
  
  I hit the ground with a thump. - [new paragraph]
  
  I suddenly wanted to back down the hole - I suddenly wanted to go back down the hole read
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  Review of Beautiful People
  A review of The Beautiful People
  by jflynn31 on 05/11/2011
  This story’s strength lies in it’s authenticity. You’ve done a remarkable job of capturing the disjointed worldview of a person struggling with (a presumed) mental illness and near constant medication. I really like this story. At times I’d question the language: odd word choices and rambling sentences that could be fine-tuned to increase clarity. But one could argue, successfully,... This story’s strength lies in it’s authenticity. You’ve done a remarkable job of capturing the disjointed worldview of a person struggling with (a presumed) mental illness and near constant medication. I really like this story. At times I’d question the language: odd word choices and rambling sentences that could be fine-tuned to increase clarity. But one could argue, successfully, that the language mirrors the disjointed thoughts of an earnest and eminently likable mental patient. I love your P.O.V. and I think it’s remarkable that I didn’t know her gender until you named her, about two thirds of the way in. Not knowing, or being able to determine, really underscored the sense of the patient’s lives being controlled and minimized by life at the hospital.
  
  If it were my story, I’d definitely do something different with that ending. It’s really abrupt and the narrative basically just stops. For twelve pages your P.O.V. offers a beautiful account of her confusion, struggles and perceptions, then she just sort of alludes to the fact that the medical staff killed residents in experimental procedures. I’d add a bit more to that and delve deeply into Kristy’s perceptions and feelings.
  
  Still this was really good and I enjoyed reading it. Good luck and I hope you stick with it. read
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  The Beautiful People review
  A review of The Beautiful People
  by MaxWatt on 05/03/2011
  A very intriguing story. It's written very well, not a single word wasted, and the story itself is enjoyable on many levels. Once I had finished it, my impulse was to read it again. Having discovered what exactly was going on I felt that a second read would help fit everything into place. That's great writing, the ability to encourage readers to do just that, it shows your... A very intriguing story. It's written very well, not a single word wasted, and the story itself is enjoyable on many levels. Once I had finished it, my impulse was to read it again. Having discovered what exactly was going on I felt that a second read would help fit everything into place. That's great writing, the ability to encourage readers to do just that, it shows your skills in developing suspense and mystery.
  
  I like the concept. There are a lot of elements which make this a great read, one of which is the conflicting emotions going through the reader. For instance, you made it clear that the characters need to be in an institution, yet I found much excitement in seeing them escape. The symbolism through the new year is effective. The hole in the ground scene is very disorientating, and the reference to the main character's parents is very moving and poignant. I could go on a long time about what makes this a great story.
  
  I felt that more development could be done. Specifically in two areas:
  1) The characters - I didn't learn much about them, and there wasn't much differentiation between them.
  2) The environment - Specifically the institution. It would be much more effective if you described it more.
  
  Also, a few mistakes I noticed:
  
  1) "Boredom and suicide were the most common causes of death" - I think this would work better as "Boredom was the main cause of death". The reader will be able to join the dots.
  2) "He grabbed the end of the table and flipping it over"
  3) "Nurse Sophie would soon after leave the hospital
  having accidentally given an overdose to Judy and killing her"
  4) "I was looking around for any indicated that Crazy Chester was right"
  
  Overall a great read, but would be fantastic with these changes. Thanks for the read and good luck. read
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  Pucker up. This one is bitter good!
  A review of The Beautiful People
  by nick74 on 05/02/2011
  There are so many nice touches in this story it's chilling! I get so enthralled in stories that flip the script on sanity and insanity, who's who and what's what --- characters who do the only sane thing they know to do and end up clawing through darkened graveyards to free their friends from their, uh, "Wooden cages." Wakka! You set a mood like only a woman can: soft and... There are so many nice touches in this story it's chilling! I get so enthralled in stories that flip the script on sanity and insanity, who's who and what's what --- characters who do the only sane thing they know to do and end up clawing through darkened graveyards to free their friends from their, uh, "Wooden cages."
  
  Wakka!
  
  You set a mood like only a woman can: soft and dark, tender and terrorizing. And poor Kirsty, I feel so bad for her marveling over the Beautiful People. But I think that might be part of the genius behind this story for isn't a beautiful face, a beautiful house, a beautiful car all forms of cages, too? I wonder if some exposition on that theme might light you up on a whole new story, or, might I be so bold as to add something to your current story, a sub plot?
  
  I'm a little confused on exactly what the "fairies" were. Maybe a line or two of description or explanation, maybe not. Whatevah.
  
  There were a few malformed sentences, a few tiny typos and an odd paragraph structure, but nothing that detracted from the story, especially once it got going. The thing about The Beautiful People is that the first half of it is all development which you treat in a broad-stroke form of Charles Dickensian story telling, almost as if you intended to give us the spine of a much bigger story before going into the personal narrative of the "escape". Not a downer at all, but it does bring up one enticing question: How would this fare as a screen play or novel I wonder, if you expounded on the characters and the situations, etc. Again, just a thought - not a criticism - but I think you have ample plot and story material here in these 13 little pages to create an enormously likable long-form.
  
  I say kudos. This story grows on you like mold right up until the absolute kicker of a last line. It's a throw back ghost story in homage to the old classics that slowly build up an audience's perturbations then BOOM Suckah! right in the kisser. Nicely done Jenjen21 (see, that rhymes). I want more of your material.
  
  Hey, check out 'The Others' if you haven't already. After reading this piece I think it'd be right up your alley --- ghostly with a strong (but vulnerable) female lead. Very good!
  read
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  I see (dead) beautiful people
  A review of The Beautiful People
  by LBarbarell on 04/12/2011
  There is a real talent at work here. The narrative is clear and well-constructed. The "odd" personalities of the patients are conveyed in in a spare, but colorful way. The main character is sympathetic, while still being nutty enough to be convincing. The main issue I had with the story is that we never learn how the murderous plot was eventually discovered. I think it... There is a real talent at work here. The narrative is clear and well-constructed. The "odd" personalities of the patients are conveyed in in a spare, but colorful way. The main character is sympathetic, while still being nutty enough to be convincing.
  
  The main issue I had with the story is that we never learn how the murderous plot was eventually discovered. I think it would have been more satisfying if the main character had managed to blow the whistle. I also thought it was unsatisfying that the villain of the piece, the doctor, is someone who never appears in the story. Maybe Nurse Nina should be the perp?
  
  Detail notes:
  
  No page numbers. Makes reviewing difficult.
  
  "...any indicated that Chester was right." Should be "indication."
  
  If this happened in the "early 90's," why does Sam's tombstone say he died in 2003?
  
  "I wasn't one of the thirty." You don't need that sentence; the one before it works on it's own as a closer. read