+ more submissions by Kevin228

Reviews of The Blue Ball 26

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  Whimsical and fun. Would make a great children's book
  A review of The Blue Ball
  by TOFMatt on 08/14/2011
  Along the lines of Cat in the Hat, Lemony Snicket, and various Munsch books, The Blue Ball is a fun, silly story that doesn't set out to do much more than put a smile on your face. At first I was a little turned off by the simplicity of the prose, but I think aimed at a younger audience and slightly trimmed down, this would make for a great illustrated children's book. The... Along the lines of Cat in the Hat, Lemony Snicket, and various Munsch books, The Blue Ball is a fun, silly story that doesn't set out to do much more than put a smile on your face. At first I was a little turned off by the simplicity of the prose, but I think aimed at a younger audience and slightly trimmed down, this would make for a great illustrated children's book. The concept is simple, easy to follow, and lighthearted, and the ending is notably clever. Actually it kind of reminded me of the film Kung Fu Hustle (I know, an odd comparison, but if you've seen the film and remember the ending I think you'll understand the analogy).
  
  Really, there's not a lot more I can critique on this. There are a few moments where the narrator jumps from past to present tense and back again, so that can be cleaned up. Again, the language and sentence structures are a little repetitive and simplistic, but if aimed at a young audience I think it's just right. Personally, I felt the boy's/mother's reactions were a little muted. For the boy particularly, it's not often one gets to see a ball move and talk on its own, and given that he's a kid I would've figured he'd be more excitable than this. However, other than that I think it's structured quite well. I almost wonder what this would be like as a limerick or some other rhyming tone. read
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  The Blue Ball
  A review of The Blue Ball
  by YeahHi on 08/15/2010
  This is a fun idea for a children’s book. The visual of the ball turning the town blue is a great one with wonderful possibilities. I like the caution of “don’t open the box” because we know he of course will. “People are sad for many reasons how should I know.” :D “After all chasing balls can be quite tiring.” I would have liked to see the ball wreaking blue havoc on... This is a fun idea for a children’s book. The visual of the ball turning the town blue is a great one with wonderful possibilities. I like the caution of “don’t open the box” because we know he of course will.
  
  “People are sad for many reasons how should I know.” :D
  
  “After all chasing balls can be quite tiring.” I would have liked to see the ball wreaking blue havoc on the town and Billy trying to stop him, vs. driving around with his mother.
  
  I liked that the mashed potatoes and meatloaf were blue but I couldn’t see how that happened as Zackary had jumped out the window before coloring the rest of the house.
  
  Zackary is a good name but may be too pedestrian for a magical blue ball?
  
  I wasn’t sure what the moral of the story was. What is it that Billy or Zack learn in the course of the story? You mention violent toys at the end, but that theme wasn’t explored in the story much.
  
  “It was a voice as soft as a child.” Do you mean “a child’s”?
  
  “That’s nothing check this out.” – Use two sentences or a comma. You have several sentences that have this problem, including the “people are sad for many reasons” line above.
  
  “That’s just great; your solution is to now give my son a pair of blue balls?” “Blue balls” has a very grown up connotation and not one that is easily explained to children.
  
  “They continued to bond.” This has to be shown not told.
  
  “Well, it was fun while it lasted.” – We didn’t get to see Zackary’s fun.
  
  “You will stay in the box until you are old enough to be bought” – what’s the story behind this, and the blue balls? Do they lose their turn-the-town-blue power when they get older, and why is the toy store guy giving the blue ball away if it will cause these problems? Here again is an opportunity for a lesson (moral) that Billy and also Zackary need to learn that the toy store owner, like Willy Wonka, wants to teach them.
  
  The story changes to first person at the end of page 7. Or is that meant to be dialogue? Perhaps put a scene divider (# # #) to help us know that time has passed.
  
  Lots of notes but I think you have the start of something really great here. Best of luck with it!
  
  Shauna read
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  Nice story
  A review of The Blue Ball
  by Wordlover on 09/22/2009
  I do believe that for a children's story this is excellent. You keep the words and action flowing smoothly page to page. In my own little mind I even see the illustrations. The only true problem I have is that Rupert passed the store onto him at his eleventh birthday? A bit young but hey it might be that a child taking care of a toy store is the best idea. Good job. May I allow... I do believe that for a children's story this is excellent. You keep the words and action flowing smoothly page to page. In my own little mind I even see the illustrations. The only true problem I have is that Rupert passed the store onto him at his eleventh birthday? A bit young but hey it might be that a child taking care of a toy store is the best idea. Good job. May I allow my granddaughter to read it? read
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  Slinking around the toy store
  A review of The Blue Ball
  by chessaol on 08/23/2009
  The story is about a very special toy store. The toys can teach us many lessons in life, if we will just listen. If not the little boy will be sad and blue. . . The story has continuity. There is no pause or lapse in the storyline and the action is continuous. The childs story doesn't have any violance and the ending is the pastry as a treat at the end. Spell checker was... The story is about a very special toy store. The toys can teach us many lessons in life, if we will just listen. If not the little boy will be sad and blue. . .
  
  The story has continuity. There is no pause or lapse in the storyline and the action is continuous. The childs story doesn't have any violance and the ending is the pastry as a treat at the end.
  
  Spell checker was used and paragraph and sentence structure are well maintained. Grammar and syntax are good and of the appropreate reading level for younger readers.
  
  Did I like it? Yes.
  The story is a delightful childrens story. The actions of the blue ball wasn't fully explained and the characters were one diminsional but this is after all a childrens story. read
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  To Be a Kid :)
  A review of The Blue Ball
  by Damien24 on 08/07/2009
  I actually liked this story. It made me grin! My only problem is the dialogue. Kids don't speak with "proper" grammer. That only happens in stories. On a personal note, I think writing a dialgue where people actually speak like they do in every day life is much more endearing to the reader. The story, to quite a few, will lead a person to relive being a kid.At least, the ones... I actually liked this story. It made me grin!
  My only problem is the dialogue.
  Kids don't speak with "proper" grammer.
  That only happens in stories.
  On a personal note, I think writing a dialgue where people actually speak like they do in every day life is much more endearing to the reader.
  The story, to quite a few, will lead a person to relive being a kid.At least, the ones who actually know what a slinky or blue ball is.
  Unlike todays generations who can't indentify oxygen without a game console.
  As short stories go, this one is aces in my book.
  
  Outside of all that...
  
  I want a blue ball :) read
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  Ball Ache
  A review of The Blue Ball
  by Leemanchee on 07/02/2009
  A very charming little idea, under-explored. CONCEPT: A small boy desperate for the latest toy finds himself in a mystical toyshop. The shop keeper presents him with a standard looking ball, FOC. Without question he accepts, and goes home on a downer. Then the ball takes on a life of its own and turns everything blue. The boy must find a way to correct this problem after... A very charming little idea, under-explored.
  
  CONCEPT: A small boy desperate for the latest toy finds himself in a mystical toyshop. The shop keeper presents him with a standard looking ball, FOC. Without question he accepts, and goes home on a downer.
  
  Then the ball takes on a life of its own and turns everything blue. The boy must find a way to correct this problem after ignoring the only warning of teh shop keeper.
  
  It's gremlins without the gremlins and a lighter tone to it.
  
  I liked it, but do feel you could have done so much more with it. I think you need to expand on the detail a little. I know it is a childrens story, a bed time one. But I see that as no reason to shy away from depth. As long as you keep it full of action, they'll be hooked.
  
  For example, Billy seemed to just question about GI Joe, I would have liked to have him explore this magical shop. Make it really magical, like an Aladins cave.
  
  CHARACTERS: Again I think depth is missing. What's the background? Does Billy have a father? What does his mom do? Does Billy have friends?
  
  Billy was a fairly plain boy, he seemed a little spoilt as he was annoyed at not having the latest GI Joe, do you want him to come over as spoilt? I think he needs to be charismatic and happy.
  
  The blue ball, this is where I think you could have a lot of fun. The story lacked a bit of humour, obviously everything turning blue made me laugh. But the ball has so much potential.
  
  I had a friend who was very eccentric, bouncing off the walls, always doing crazy things. It reminded me of him, as he always wore blue clothes.
  
  The characters also lacked a bit of emotion, how did Billy feel when his mother didn't believe him?
  
  DIALOUE: Fairly well balanced and sat right with it's speakers. The mom was well captured.
  
  I think you could have a deeper relationship between the Ball and Billy. Make us laugh. We are all children inside still.
  
  STORY: It ran smoothly and was an easy read. I think children would have no problem reading it, and following it.
  
  We had a middle, beginning and an end. I'm not sure if the cross over from third person to first person at the end worked for me, story lost a bit of flow there.
  
  My criticisms are more from an adult perspective, and my somewhat picky nature.
  
  1 - Rupert gives Billy the ball freely, with a warning. Why give it to him? Was it a test? Was he just odd? I think it needs to be clear, because it made no sense. Maybe Billy sees it, and he gets told by Rupert to leave it alone, because it's a magic ball.
  
  Maybe when Billy gets home, he reads the instructions which say not to talk to it. Or even a display in the shop that says try me, and all hell breaks loose kind of thing. Lots of possibilities which could add a crucial element of fun and excitement to an already interesting story.
  
  2 - When Billy catches the ball, he should have noticed his hand turn blue, no? Was he wearing a glove? Does the ball decide when things turn blue? Just a little flaw.
  
  STRUCTURE: Perfect for the nature of the reader, children will be able to follow it fine, it's smooth and clean. Good job.
  
  OVERALL: So much potential, the blue ball idea is a good one. Just think of the possibilities, maybe turning things blue is only part of its power, maybe he can make things bouncy too, or turn things into a different texture.
  
  I like childrens stories, there is a freedom you don't get with adult tales. You have captured a nice feel. There is a certain charm in here.
  
  How old are your target audience?
  How many stories have magical shops and shop keepers?
  
  One other thing I would have liked to see, would have been a bit more adventure between Billy and the ball. Billy chasing it around his neighbourhood, and all the things that may be blue. You have tapped into it, but there is so much more going on that we don't see.
  
  Loved it though, lots of potential. And the fact I have written so much tells you I think it has something going for it.
  
  Thanks for sharing, and please let me know when you post a new one. read
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  Blue Ball review
  A review of The Blue Ball
  by pela-via on 05/08/2009
  What I liked about this story was the potential for a colorful, imaginative book. I liked these lines: "...you cannot ask something to stop doing what it was born to do." “People are sad for many reasons how should I know.” And I'd rethink this line: "your solution is to now give my son a pair of blue balls?” The story needs a pretty thorough rewrite. There are many... What I liked about this story was the potential for a colorful, imaginative book.
  
  I liked these lines:
  
  "...you cannot ask something to stop doing what it was born to do."
  
  “People are sad for many reasons how should I know.”
  
  
  And I'd rethink this line:
  
  "your solution is to now give my son a pair of blue balls?”
  
  The story needs a pretty thorough rewrite. There are many basic things I imagine would be changed by a professional without hesitation.
  
  I'm not sure how to judge a children's story. I've seen some crap work get published in that genre. Honestly I don't know if it even matters. I have kids. They take things at face value in nearly every way. In this case, if a child likes the color blue, and he likes balls, then you're in. read
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  I'm blue
  A review of The Blue Ball
  by the3rr on 01/21/2009
  I thought the concept of a simplistic childrens story was cool. Then I read it. I'm not sure if this is a rushed first draft or what. All I can say I fell out of the story very early. The first instance was when you used previous man instead of previous owner. There were numerous other instances where the wrong word was used. quite supper pg2, awoken pg3, arrived to quick... I thought the concept of a simplistic childrens story was cool. Then I read it. I'm not sure if this is a rushed first draft or what. All I can say I fell out of the story very early. The first instance was when you used previous man instead of previous owner. There were numerous other instances where the wrong word was used. quite supper pg2, awoken pg3, arrived to quick pg4, defiantly pg5. Then there was location issues. You write ground instead of the floor pg5, used the words strong jump instead of maybe strong bounce, since we are talking about a ball. Then there were punctuation errors on every page. The above references to pages are implied. There were no page numbers. The characters were ok. The dialogue was weak but ok for a childrens story. The story itself was ok. Structure was ok. Overall, if all the errors were corrected, and there were more than I listed, it would be an ok little story for children. read
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  BLUE BALLS
  A review of The Blue Ball
  by mnjones on 12/26/2008
  A charming story of magic balls and how they get a boy, Billy, in trouble, but all ends well. I thought of the old song, "When you're smiling the whole world smiles with you; but when you're blue the whole world turns blue, too." The narrator turns out to be Billy, grown up and now the toy store owner, which is fine and really rather neat; but I think it could have been handled... A charming story of magic balls and how they get a boy, Billy, in trouble, but all ends well. I thought of the old song, "When you're smiling the whole world smiles with you; but when you're blue the whole world turns blue, too." The narrator turns out to be Billy, grown up and now the toy store owner, which is fine and really rather neat; but I think it could have been handled in better, smoother fashion.
  
  By the way, there is a town in Pennsylvania named Blue Ball. It's located near Bird-in-Hand, Virginville and Intercourse.
  
  Good work (I don't mean the town naming, I mean the story). read
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  Sherry's Review
  A review of The Blue Ball
  by SherryRed on 12/18/2008
  This was a very cute story. I read it to my son (8), and he enjoyed it. We both thought it was a little like Mr. Magoriam's Wonder Imploriam. It was told well, but, it needs to be reviewed in some areas. You went in and out of third person/first person writing. As well, you went in and out of present and past tense writing. That made it a little hard to read. I think... This was a very cute story. I read it to my son (8), and he enjoyed it. We both thought it was a little like Mr. Magoriam's Wonder Imploriam. It was told well, but, it needs to be reviewed in some areas. You went in and out of third person/first person writing. As well, you went in and out of present and past tense writing. That made it a little hard to read. I think that if those typos were corrected, this would be a good story for kids to read. read