Reviews of The Dark Noir Tale of The Old Man & Private Eye Ron Brass 19

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  Review- The Dark Noir Tale of The Old Man...
  A review of The Dark Noir Tale of The Old Man & Private Eye Ron Brass
  by TeaSeaInc on 04/24/2012
  For whatever reason, I feel that there is something missing in this story, and I can't put my finger on it. When I finished it, it had a vague feeling of incompletness. You writing style is unique. You start a lot of your senteces with conjunctions and a lot of them are short sentences. I like this writing style - like I said it's very unique, and gives the reader a keen... For whatever reason, I feel that there is something missing in this story, and I can't put my finger on it. When I finished it, it had a vague feeling of incompletness.
  
  You writing style is unique. You start a lot of your senteces with conjunctions and a lot of them are short sentences. I like this writing style - like I said it's very unique, and gives the reader a keen sense of your voice.
  
  Your descriptions are very detailed in a minor sense, but very vague in a broad sense. For example, things like "Susanne, the fine lassie whose very presence can absolve any concerns you have", but what does that mean? It's descriptive but it's vague at the same time. I know that the writer wants me to ascertain a specific image of her, but I'm still confused as to what that image is. The same with "If Susanne and Flor ever entered a room together and the sky turned pink in the same day, no one would notice the sky", this can go both ways. Are they so ugly you do a double take, or so beautiful that you do the same? Perhaps something more along the lines of "Susanne and Flor shared such a phenominal beauty that everything else in world seemed miniscule in their presene".
  
  The writing style needs to be sharpened, as does the story. By that I mean make it longer, it seemed rushed and there was more detail put into two characters (daughter in law and maid) and not enough into the mail man, who was the reason the whole scenario had unfolded in the first place.
  
  BUT, I like that you have your own voice. Some stories on here are great stories, but I can't tell that writer's voice from another. If I read another one of your stories, I think I'd recognize it was you. read
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  Review of "The Dark Noir Tale of The Old Man & Private Eye Ron Brass"
  A review of The Dark Noir Tale of The Old Man & Private Eye Ron Brass
  by MaxWatt on 11/17/2011
  This needs a lot of work, but considering the purpose for its production, I can't imagine you're taking it TOO seriously. As a concept, it's something we've seen many times, but it is still a genre that audiences enjoy. We will never be short of a crime thriller market. There are a lot of technical flaws, for instance the ones which I've listed (these were selected from... This needs a lot of work, but considering the purpose for its production, I can't imagine you're taking it TOO seriously.
  
  As a concept, it's something we've seen many times, but it is still a genre that audiences enjoy. We will never be short of a crime thriller market.
  
  There are a lot of technical flaws, for instance the ones which I've listed (these were selected from the first segment of the story)
  
  1) "black shadow from hell of death" - You need less imagery, cutting out the bit about hell and death and ending with "black shadow" will make more impact. This needs to be applied to the majority of the story. Less is (usually) more.
  
  2) He had meant to utter, “Rosebud,” but it just came out wrong. - Unnecessary sentence.
  
  3) So this beautiful lady felt obliged to act. - Obliged to act? This is quite obvious, a sense of panic needs to be introduced here, otherwise any darkness that you are intending to induce into the story falls flat.
  
  4) What's the difference between "Dear Lord! No!" and "Dear God! Why!"?
  
  You need to be more concise, and avoid irrelevent sentences.
  
  As far as the characters go, you've created cardboard cutouts. The old man was the only one who I could picture, the rest seemed to be thrown in. Need more imagery, more actions.
  
  And the most confusing moment is the end. The narrative flashes from third person to first person.
  
  Overall I'm not sure what can be achieved with this story. It is obvious why it is written the way it is (again, I reference the objetive of your writing it as an assignment), so I don't know how far I should go with technical advice. read
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  no, no, noir
  A review of The Dark Noir Tale of The Old Man & Private Eye Ron Brass
  by bigheadx on 05/24/2011
  Thanks for the opportunity to read this short short story. It appears the author is attempting a spoof, or even a spoof of noir spoofs, but this reader just doesn't get it. For example, although an effort is made to serve up hard-boiled descriptions of characters (such as the daughter-in-law and maid), unclear writing derails the attempts (specific comments below). Since the... Thanks for the opportunity to read this short short story. It appears the author is attempting a spoof, or even a spoof of noir spoofs, but this reader just doesn't get it. For example, although an effort is made to serve up hard-boiled descriptions of characters (such as the daughter-in-law and maid), unclear writing derails the attempts (specific comments below). Since the story ends before the end of the tale, perhaps this was intended as a writing exercise?
  
  TYPOS - GRAMMAR - WORD CHOICE - [suggestions]
  
  [lots of passive verbs for a detective tale, even if a spoof]
  
  predicatably. - predictably
  
  And it was now clear that there would be some investigating. - [why? nothing has been revealed, little has been said]
  
  Brass was known for his meticulous work, and as the story goes Brass knew - Brass was known for his meticulous work and, as the story goes, Brass knew
  
  and boy was the name fit - and boy did the name fit
  
  He was a car sales man, - He was a car salesman,
  
  when a man once denied to buy the car - [what does this mean? "when a man said he wasn't interested" ??]
  
  signed the paper’s for him - signed the papers for him
  
  had no real reason to believe that he was involved - [he who? the glaring man?]
  
  let’s go of his hunches - lets go of his hunches
  
  When he strut past the cops - When he strutted past the cops
  
  Sipping whiskey - [he's sipping whiskey as he visits the crime scene?] read
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  The Dark Noir
  A review of The Dark Noir Tale of The Old Man & Private Eye Ron Brass
  by Suesea on 09/11/2010
  This is a murder mystery with a few humorous moments. There are some wonderful descriptions and you have an amusing way of using language. However, some of the adjectives and adverbs could be cut back to enhance the flow of the story. The way you constructed the story, with the headings for each new direction, was different than any I've read on TS. I don't know if it helped... This is a murder mystery with a few humorous moments. There are some wonderful descriptions and you have an amusing way of using language. However, some of the adjectives and adverbs could be cut back to enhance the flow of the story.
  
  The way you constructed the story, with the headings for each new direction, was different than any I've read on TS. I don't know if it helped the story or worked as a distraction. It did make your style unique.
  
  You have the start of some good dialogue. The story may improve with more of it and instead of the narrator telling us what was said, have the characters do the talking. It should help the pace.
  
  Overall, it was fun to read. Good luck with it.
  
  Suesea read
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  GOING POSTAL
  A review of The Dark Noir Tale of The Old Man & Private Eye Ron Brass
  by gclifton on 05/18/2010
  This piece has been on TS long enough that probably every possible criticism is already on paper. But I don't have any criticism. This story is well written strucurally IMO with style and clever wording. I wonder if some won't find it a trifle stiff. That's why people read the newspaper(some anyway) instead of more complex stuff. The Hollywood image of Mike Hammer type PI's... This piece has been on TS long enough that probably every possible criticism is already on paper. But I don't have any criticism. This story is well written strucurally IMO with style and clever wording. I wonder if some won't find it a trifle stiff. That's why people read the newspaper(some anyway) instead of more complex stuff.
  
  The Hollywood image of Mike Hammer type PI's is as skewed as those movie cowboys who stand in the middle of dusty street and try to beat each other to the draw. PI's rarely have access to internal info in any serious case. Most spend their time watching errant husbands or worker's compenstation cheats. And many are successful, capable guys.
  
  Lot of nice prose in here, and the story is a good read. Of considerable inportance, it has a definite conclusion, a factor often in short supply.
  read
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  Mailman murders
  A review of The Dark Noir Tale of The Old Man & Private Eye Ron Brass
  by Lucille LeSueur on 10/30/2009
  Had just past or passed? Change it to passed. If there was no one by the man's bedside, how does any one know what he said in his deathbed? And do you mean ant or aunt? Okay, besides a few speeling errors here and there, this wa a comical read. Not a very interesting one at that, but the whole plot of the old man being murdered by the mailman for having girls and money... Had just past or passed? Change it to passed.
  
  If there was no one by the man's bedside, how does any one know what he said in his deathbed?
  
  And do you mean ant or aunt?
  
  Okay, besides a few speeling errors here and there, this wa a comical read. Not a very interesting one at that, but the whole plot of the old man being murdered by the mailman for having girls and money is feasible. This, being a 5 page short, really makes it hard to evaluate. I mean it's all exposition, there isn't really a moment of relief from the plot. I would add on to this, it could make a nice comic short.
  
  Keep at it. read
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  Neither Fish Noir Fowl
  A review of The Dark Noir Tale of The Old Man & Private Eye Ron Brass
  by LBarbarell on 10/19/2009
  There was a breezy, whimsical quality to this that made it a fun read. But, as I read, I kept wising you'd let me in on the joke. At times, this appeared to be a satire of something, but I'm not sure what. At other times, it appeared to be a detective story written by Dr. Suess. But, as I said, it was fun, and I kept wishing there'd be more about the Jessica-Rabbity Susanne... There was a breezy, whimsical quality to this that made it a fun read. But, as I read, I kept wising you'd let me in on the joke. At times, this appeared to be a satire of something, but I'm not sure what. At other times, it appeared to be a detective story written by Dr. Suess. But, as I said, it was fun, and I kept wishing there'd be more about the Jessica-Rabbity Susanne. I wonder if, Suess style, she:
  
  Paid Brass
  With a piece of ---
  
  Good luck! read
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  If Snoopy ever finished his novel...
  A review of The Dark Noir Tale of The Old Man & Private Eye Ron Brass
  by kmwriter on 04/29/2009
  Well, it was obvious this was an early work, but considering the age of the author at the time, the voice and tone of this fun little piece is quite good. With the first line, I remembered Snoopy (of the Peanuts comic) and his perpetual attempt to type a novel, always beginning with the exact same line: "It was a dark and stormy night." And this is exactly how I imagine the... Well, it was obvious this was an early work, but considering the age of the author at the time, the voice and tone of this fun little piece is quite good. With the first line, I remembered Snoopy (of the Peanuts comic) and his perpetual attempt to type a novel, always beginning with the exact same line: "It was a dark and stormy night." And this is exactly how I imagine the story would go, had he ever finished it: a tongue-in-cheek spoof on a classic genre. However, I'm assuming the author is no longer in 10th grade! And so, I will analyze accordingly...
  
  The off-beat, ironic voice is good. The author doesn't take himself seriously and moves along at a good clip with some creative analogy and description that sets the quirky mood. Of course, the characters are one-dimensional caricatures, but I'm assuming that's intentional with such a light tone as this.
  
  The main problem with this story (which is typical of the author's original age) is grammar. There are many run on sentences, beginning with the second line: "It was a dark and gloomy Sunday night in 1922 of one of the deadliest weeks of the year (Christmas and New Years had just past)" - maybe changing the 'of' to 'in' would help, but there is often too much information crammed into a single sentence. There are also some awkward analogies: death exiting one's toes, phone numbers exhibiting a painful oomph - but also some better ones, "as conspicuous as a dinosaur’s roar in the desert."
  
  I know your teacher probably did this already when it was first written, but I can't help myself:
  
  Pg. 1 "death titillating every miniscule move.."
  2- "loved Ricky in every sense" (no comma)
  3- hospitable vs. hospital
  4- denied = refused, paper's = papers, let's go = lets go
  5- Joe Dan decided, rumor had it (past tense),
  "why'd he do it?" - women that came (past tense)
  
  There is some tense confusion when characters alternate from "doing" something to "would be doing something": "She returned from Cabo, Mexico"..."and she was mortified" - same on page 3: "Susanne muttered, Brass responded" is clearer.
  
  The author indicates he is the protagonist Private Eye in the last sentence - was this an intentional switch from third person to first? Might actually be funnier if told from Brass' perspective the entire time, as most film noir spoofs do.
  
  It's not a serious tale, by any means. So perhaps plausibility isn't a primary concern, but I did laugh when Brass called around questioning all day, THEN went to the crime scene (where apparently, the body was just left all night and day for him to happen upon and notice the letter opener - must've smelled mighty ripe by then!)
  
  The second thing missing is a sense of plot or theme. There's no logic behind Brass' deduction from the only obvious clue - it's just a running gag, really. But pure fun, and a promising work that hopefully earned the author a well-deserved "A."
  
  Thanks for the enjoyable read,
  KM read
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  Paid more, laid more
  A review of The Dark Noir Tale of The Old Man & Private Eye Ron Brass
  by chessaol on 04/18/2009
  The detective was hired, the story unfolds. There are clues but no dotted lines to the killer. Then the hunch. . . The storyline has continuity. The story leads down a curved path that reveals the elements as they become important to the story. The ending isn't a twist, just a different suspect. The writing style is descriptive, as I like. The descriptions are deliberately... The detective was hired, the story unfolds. There are clues but no dotted lines to the killer. Then the hunch. . .
  
  The storyline has continuity. The story leads down a curved path that reveals the elements as they become important to the story. The ending isn't a twist, just a different suspect.
  
  The writing style is descriptive, as I like. The descriptions are deliberately overdone and that sets the tone for the story. I feel that the opening scene with the old man is overdone and poorly matched to the rest of the story. This section was VERY descriptive but it didn't flow
  smoothly. The rest of the story is in overdescriptive style and has an easy flow.
  
  The p###man done it, also didn't work for me. I know that somebody had to do it but there really isn't a dotted line from the death to the final suspect. Perhaps the man standing watching the house could be described a little better to lead us to him??
  
  The Spell checker was used and the paragraph and sentence structures were maintained. The syntax was stretched and extended several times but that is the style of the story and is well done
  
  The reading level is a medium because of the writing style and sxntax. The story is well above the serial detective short story and is an easy read. I recommend it to all. read
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  A LikelyTale..
  A review of The Dark Noir Tale of The Old Man & Private Eye Ron Brass
  by badgebarman on 10/31/2008
  I read this with a feeling of not quite being in synch with the writers purpose,was this a practical joke? Or a serious short story.... So I read it again...then I got it! Or I didn't...this was sheer off the wall writing with a total disregard for the reader.... I'm kidding... this reminded me so much of a early P.G. Wodehouse style of writing, total nonsense that is so out... I read this with a feeling of not quite being in synch with the writers purpose,was this a practical joke? Or a serious short story.... So I read it again...then I got it! Or I didn't...this was sheer off the wall writing with a total disregard for the reader.... I'm kidding... this reminded me so much of a early P.G. Wodehouse style of writing, total nonsense that is so out of fashion - there were spelling errors ect; but the story was told with a reckless abandon and a cheery disregard that I did enjoy. read