Reviews of The Day that I Slept 15

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  Great potential!
  A review of The Day that I Slept
  by LiliFRobinson on 09/21/2011
  I see a great potential behind this story. But it needs work. There are a few mistakes that could have been avoided by proofreading. Some paragraphs could be cut short because there is unecessary information. It would have been nice to know more about why humans are unable to sleep and what really happens to those children who do fall asleep. It would be nice to explore all... I see a great potential behind this story. But it needs work.
  There are a few mistakes that could have been avoided by proofreading. Some paragraphs could be cut short because there is unecessary information.
  
  It would have been nice to know more about why humans are unable to sleep and what really happens to those children who do fall asleep. It would be nice to explore all that surrounds the mystery, without taking it out of the story, but impressing the reader instead. Like why does he, the narrator, fall asleep as an adult? Weren't the cildren the only ones who could fall asleep? And why do these elite people exist? What is the purpose of that?
  
  I get the idea that you wanted to create a mysterious world build from mysterious events that doomed the humans from ever sleeping again, but like I said, without loosing the mystery of this storyline, it could be possible to give a little more interesting details to add to this story.
  
  All in all, the idea is great and the potential is immense.
  I would be curious to read more of your stories. read
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  I feel sleepy
  A review of The Day that I Slept
  by Leemanchee on 05/21/2009
  I really liked the basic idea behind your story, the idea of some wonderful place that only the select few are chosen for. Unfortunately the story never went to this place or explore the journey and possibilities of the fantasy place. I felt you dragged the middle part out for too long, repeating the same instance over and over. If you had kept this part down to just a few... I really liked the basic idea behind your story, the idea of some wonderful place that only the select few are chosen for.
  
  Unfortunately the story never went to this place or explore the journey and possibilities of the fantasy place.
  
  I felt you dragged the middle part out for too long, repeating the same instance over and over. If you had kept this part down to just a few stops and explored maybe what the children were expecting.
  
  I was also left a little confused when the boy is simply left, then all of a sudden he was a family man. Didn't feel that part sat very well.
  
  The finale was to brief as well, I could see it coming and it was over so quick considering how long it had taken to get there.
  
  I felt it difficult to picture the reality of it. It seemed to be futuristic as we no longer need to sleep (maybe explain why we don't). Yet some references were very modern day (burgers & fries).
  
  Also I felt the dialogue at times to be wonderful, really catching how a child might react and other times it was obvious that an adult had written it. Try and think how a child would react. What they may say. They were after all free of adults (apart from the bus driver).
  
  I'm no expert, so take what I say with a pinch of salt. It was clearly written and paced well. It had many possibilities which is the exciting part.
  
  Your writing style is brilliant, capturing a feel and situation well.
  
  I just felt that I was left wanting more, a better conclusion.
  
  A great effort though, really interesting concept. Something I think you should explore more. Why can't they sleep? Where do they go? How do they get there?
  
  Great idea, Thanks for sharing. read
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  Drifting off
  A review of The Day that I Slept
  by Talmaos on 02/26/2009
  The description of the story hooked me immediately, and I was looking forward to reading this story. The premise itself is fascinating, and I love the idea that sleep is seen as a semi-magical, metaphysical sort of ascent into a higher realm. It works well within the story, but I can’t shake the feeling that this story could be so much more. Some of the scenes – the beginning... The description of the story hooked me immediately, and I was looking forward to reading this story. The premise itself is fascinating, and I love the idea that sleep is seen as a semi-magical, metaphysical sort of ascent into a higher realm. It works well within the story, but I can’t shake the feeling that this story could be so much more.
  
  Some of the scenes – the beginning of the flashback in particular, come off as a little melodramatic. I understand where it’s going, and I definitely like the feelings you’re invoking, but as a whole they strike me as just a bit self conscious. One line in particular – “Her eyes melted in adoration.” I like the tone, but to start a scene that way makes it seem like the whole thing will follow with that type of drippy prose, and the mundane nature of the rest of it makes it seem unbalanced.
  
  I really wish there was more to this story. Both in length – your writing style is enjoyable and smooth enough to warrant a longer piece – and in depth. As it stands, it seems very breezy. You’ve got a fantastic premise, now you just need to DIG, and grab all kinds of mythologies and otherworlds and fantastical things and cram them in there.
  
  The buildup is fantastic. You did a very good job of making something completely mundane and making it seem distant, interesting and frightening. When the children started disappearing I became even more interested. The slow way in which you introduce it, draw us into the weirdness of it, is also very well done. However, the ending is a little disappointing. We’re not aware of why these characters are able to sleep or what happens after they do. I wanted to see it, and I felt like the story was building towards a climax that would reveal it. I’m not sure if I like the choice to leave it ambiguous. I felt abandoned when it got to the present-tense section.
  
  Notes/observations
  - “in your dreams” seems to be a fitting colloquialism, but if they’re note even aware of sleep, I think it’s a little out of place. I’d like to think of sleep as something everyone’s aware of, but nobody really knows exactly what it is, and so they design a fascination, almost a mythology, around it.
  - “the troops rejoiced” seems an oddly detached sentiment for the narrator.
  read
• 
  well done
  A review of The Day that I Slept
  by cinphile07 on 01/27/2009
  i can see that this isn't the first draft and you really put your time into it. i thought it was well constructed. you set up the the scenes well. thought that the structure was developed well and the flow of it ran through smoothly. the dialogue was easy understandable and stayed on point with the story. i thought the concept of the story was something new. dont think i can... i can see that this isn't the first draft and you really put your time into it. i thought it was well constructed. you set up the the scenes well. thought that the structure was developed well and the flow of it ran through smoothly. the dialogue was easy understandable and stayed on point with the story. i thought the concept of the story was something new. dont think i can reference it to anything off the top of my head. read
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  Sleeper
  A review of The Day that I Slept
  by badgebarman on 01/10/2009
  This was a fairly mundane story of a boy who'd been selected to be a sleeper. I presume this was sometime in the far futre, but one of the problems of this story is that we don't get a lot of information apart from seeing the world through the small boy's eyes. And that is the big weakness in this story, it doesn't go anywhere, the premise is very interesting and could have... This was a fairly mundane story of a boy who'd been selected to be a sleeper.
  
  I presume this was sometime in the far futre, but one of the problems of this story is that we don't get a lot of information apart from seeing the world through the small boy's eyes.
  
  And that is the big weakness in this story, it doesn't go anywhere, the premise is very interesting and could have been so much better, but it kept repeating itself, it was if you had the first great idea and then didn't know what to do with it, the ending was frankly a bit of a cop out.
  
  To be honest it became quite irritating towards the end, this needs a savage rewrite if it's going to be commercial.
  
  There are a few grammar things you should work on, even in the first paragraph the tense changes confusingly. There is writing talent here, but you will have to be more thoughtful in your approach. read
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  sleep at last
  A review of The Day that I Slept
  by chessaol on 01/04/2009
  If 17 pages won't put you to sleep, you are hopeless. The story is about a land where only a few are able to sleep. He is selected but couldn't do it, so 15 pages later he returns home to contemplate a life without sleep. Is he a failure, or is it just not time, yet? The storyline was about "if you go to sleep you go to a higher place". We wondered what this was about, where... If 17 pages won't put you to sleep, you are hopeless.
  
  The story is about a land where only a few are able to sleep. He is selected but couldn't do it, so 15 pages later he returns home to contemplate a life without sleep. Is he a failure, or is it just not time, yet?
  
  The storyline was about "if you go to sleep you go to a higher place". We wondered what this was about, where would you go. The concept is radical and new, so we surely would see the result of mans evolution to a sleepless state. What will he do when he sleeps. We will never know because the story doesn't tell us.
  
  Why did the author waste 17 pages of my life to not have a conclusion? I don't know, but I do wonder what the point of the story was if there is no answer to the ONE question in the story. Why was the story written on this premis if we were not to get an answer???
  
  The writing was ok. It wondered around for many more pages than necessary to reach NO conclusion. The writing style was smooth and seamless. The storyline followed a predictable path until it just ended. The characters were suitably developed and dialog was OK.
  
  Syntax however has some glaring glitches. Sat down=sit down etc. I wonder if the author rewrote some sections with a hasty edit, because the glitches weren't prolific or widespread as one would expect. I list them as probably just localized errors and don't count off for them, but they need fixing.
  
  Did I like the story? NO.
  I hate to waste time. I spent 17 pages duitifully and carefully reading another authors story, only to be hung up. I was very disapointed. Please don't do that to me, my personality can't handle that.
  I think a story should have a beginning a middle and an end. Preferably with a twist or wow moment for a ending. Instead of a wow moment this story fizzled away at the end, yes he went to sleep, but why??
  
  The story should lead down a curved path revealing the elements of the story as they are important to the story. This is to avoid transparency and boredome of the reader. This story didn't do that.It went from one end to the other without a trace of a curve or surprise.
  
  Was it comfortable to read? Yes.
  This is the ultimate bedtime story.
  
  Was it easy to read? Yes.
  The reading level was low and the smooth seamless writing style was easychair friendly all the way.
  
  Did it make its point? Yes
  He went to sleep.
  
  Did I like it? ...wait for it. . .NO.
  It was way to long for a pointless story. If we are going to invest this much writing talent into a story, please make it go somewhere. read
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  Delightful Slumber
  A review of The Day that I Slept
  by OmarF on 08/09/2008
  Great story. Very Bradbury-esque. Reminded me of the story he wrote about the girl on Mars, waiting for the sun to come out. I cannot remember its name. Charming and haunting at the same time. Where do these children go to? Who knows, but it seems wherever they wish, which is where we'd all love to go. A very lovely vision of a distant future, our world crumbled away by time... Great story. Very Bradbury-esque. Reminded me of the story he wrote about the girl on Mars, waiting for the sun to come out. I cannot remember its name. Charming and haunting at the same time. Where do these children go to? Who knows, but it seems wherever they wish, which is where we'd all love to go. A very lovely vision of a distant future, our world crumbled away by time. I loved your descriptions of the childrens' play amongst the various ruins, and the parallels between sleep/ascension/dying?
  
  A few mistakes noted. The main one was when George disappeared, Sally refers to him as a "she". Couple of odd spelling mistakes here and there, didn't keep list of them. Thank you for notating dialogue correctly...except for one place:
  
  “It’s because you’re so nice.” She looked up, puzzled. “Before getting on the bus..."
  
  This almost looks like she's saying the lines. I know it's meant to be her reaction to Richard's words, but there's no harm in doing this to make it clearer:
  
  “It’s because you’re so nice.”
  She looked up, puzzled.
  “Before getting on the bus..."
  
  Some may say they want more story, more details, "what exactly was happening", "but what about this?", etc., and I certainly wouldn't oppose to more. But at the same time, this story, like a dream, needs to have an air of mystery and unanswered questions surrounding it, it just completes the picture.
  
  That's all. Thanks for the warm and lovely read.
  Omar read
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  Sleepy Review
  A review of The Day that I Slept
  by kkatherine on 08/05/2008
  The Day That I Slept is certainly a unique story. There are many unique ideas that drew me into the read. I enjoyed the dream like quality of the writing and felt it appropriate for the material. My one complaint, and I apologize for offering it, was that I was really looking forward to the ending to explain it all to me in some cool way. Is that lazy of me? In that regard,... The Day That I Slept is certainly a unique story. There are many unique ideas that drew me into the read. I enjoyed the dream like quality of the writing and felt it appropriate for the material.
  
  My one complaint, and I apologize for offering it, was that I was really looking forward to the ending to explain it all to me in some cool way. Is that lazy of me? In that regard, I felt the ending let me down. It could be that the explanation was over my head, or simply just that simple: Richard did not do what was expected of him on the bus, but it eventually happened in one peaceful and lazy afternoon? And you know what, that's okay.
  
  I enjoyed the ride. I sometimes wish I did not have to sleep at night. Just think how many more reviews we could get done on triggerstreet? : )
  
  Here are notes I took while I was reading:
  
  Pg 2:
  
  as if she were talking to her friends. Instead of,
  as if she was talking to her friends.
  
  pg 2: The two men in suits were sat opposite us (needs work)
  
  pg 3: dad s/b Dad avowed firmly. Because it is used as a pronoun.
  
  Pg 6. I like the line: a period to our recess.
  
  Pg 6. When I read the quip "In your dreams" I wondered if people who didn't sleep would still say this? I suppose it could be a phrase still in use, even though people don't actually sleep anymore thus they do not dream any more. Also, it could still be used as in the tense of a goal for the future, as in: an athlete dreams of making it to the Olympics. Either way, this is a very special phrase to think about using in this story and I hope it is used with much forethought.
  
  Pg 7. A hammock on a bus. I agree with Richard, it seems like a ludicrous idea to me too. Good way to show that archaeologist's sometimes get it wrong when they put together pictures of the past. Great work if this was intentional and I am guessing it was since your character called it out.
  
  Pg 7. George is gone because she went to sleep. Now it starts to get interesting. That line piqued my curiosity.
  
  pg 10: Susurrus, a new word for me. Thank you.
  
  pg 12: I felt the warmth in her words. Another nice sentence.
  
  pg 13: ...in a city that never stopped raining. What an interesting world you've created.
  
  pg 13: 'I hoped this will work.' Probably should be 'I hoped this would work.' or maybe even 'I hope this will work.' But based on the tense of the rest of your text I think the first suggestion works best.
  
  General comment:
  
  Unless used in actual quoted dialogue, or in special cases, contractions should be avoided.
  
  Thank you for posting this dreamy and unique story. I did find it to draw me into another state of mind. One that I enjoyed being in. I enjoyed the read. Best wishes. read
• 
  Day I Slept Review
  A review of The Day that I Slept
  by El Duderino on 06/21/2008
  I like the premise of this story, particularly the various stops the children make along their journey. Some sort of explanation, however brief, would be helpful regarding how the "authorities" singled out Richard. It could be as basic as "based on your son's aptitude tests...". There seems to be a theme of people finding themselves in idyllic--or at least happy--situations... I like the premise of this story, particularly the various stops the children make along their journey. Some sort of explanation, however brief, would be helpful regarding how the "authorities" singled out Richard. It could be as basic as "based on your son's aptitude tests...".
  
  There seems to be a theme of people finding themselves in idyllic--or at least happy--situations and then falling asleep and leaving for "a higher place." This theme is punctuated at the end. The later journeys are less idyllic, more glum, and the characters--Richard in particular--are more jaded with them. You could use their stops during their journey to reinforce this in their activities and conversations. More importantly, what is the overall idea? And how does the ending reaffirm it?
  
  I think this story has a hell of a lot of promise that isn't completely tapped yet.
  
  Dialogue is stiff and doesn't sound natural.
  
  Too many adverbs. Lot's of unnecessary words. One random example of something you do througout:
  Pg. 2
  Instead of, "Puzzled, I tilted my face upwards to see mom, who was looking at me
  encouragingly.", what about something along the lines of, "My mom's face glowed as she looked at me."?
  
  Pg. 3
  You use excessive words in your writing that, if eliminated, would strengthen your narrative. I picked one random example here, in lieu of your paragraph as written on page 3:
  “My mom was ecstatic. She broke the news to my dad as soon as she greeted him at the door. He was delighted. I remained puzzled.”
  
  Pg. 7
  George is a girl’s name? This may be ignorance on my part, maybe common in Britain?
  
  Two books I’m going to recommend on all reviews, because I believe they’re invaluable tools for either a professional writer or a beginner: Stephen King’s On Writing and Strunk & White’s The Elements of Style.
  
  Thanks for the read. read
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  Sleep deprivation
  A review of The Day that I Slept
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 11/12/2007
  This is a really good idea. Very original. However, although I am a fan of ambiguity, there were too many questions left unanswered. ie Was this a future society or a parallel world? How come people can't dream? Is it some evolutionary thing? Or a technological breakthrough? I think you really need to establish this at the start. Probably with the introduction of the gov/medical... This is a really good idea. Very original. However, although I am a fan of ambiguity, there were too many questions left unanswered. ie Was this a future society or a parallel world? How come people can't dream? Is it some evolutionary thing? Or a technological breakthrough? I think you really need to establish this at the start. Probably with the introduction of the gov/medical types. Is the sleep deprivation a gov control thing or is it the result of something else?
  
  I think the story was pretty long also. I don't think we needed that much to express the same thing. I suggest you set the story up some more and think about what the "sleep deprivation' actually means.
  
  Interesting idea though. read