Reviews of The Down and Out Diner 28

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  Releasing the pressure valve...
  A review of The Down and Out Diner
  by MaxWatt on 01/07/2012
  So "The Down and Out Diner' is a story of...what the fuck? I don't even know how to begin this. I've just been taken on a journey inside someone else's mind, and it's nice to know that I'm not the only one who has fucked up dreams, but...what the hell? I guess you should take my confusion as a compliment, this story flipped me upside down, and twisted my visions of normality... So "The Down and Out Diner' is a story of...what the fuck? I don't even know how to begin this. I've just been taken on a journey inside someone else's mind, and it's nice to know that I'm not the only one who has fucked up dreams, but...what the hell? I guess you should take my confusion as a compliment, this story flipped me upside down, and twisted my visions of normality into absurdity. And I...what the hell?
  
  I'm guessing you went through similar motions when you thought of this. And I have to ask, did you dream it? Did you have a dream about a killer toupee and wake up and think "hell yeah, that's an idea!"
  
  I loved it. This is something else. Reading it feels as though I'm dreaming, literally. That could be because it's 4.00AM and I'm falling asleep anyway, but still. You should be proud of this. This is quite a ride.
  
  Technically, this is all sound. Well written, easy to follow, almost flawless (I say flawless because no story is ever complete, really). This has a place in the hearts of all fans of the absurd, of psychological thrillers, of all sorts. I won't tell you to "go back and develop your character", that would be dumb. This is entertainment value at its finest. Thank you for the read.
  
  And in case you're wondering, this review is just to blow off steam and to discover some hidden work. Then again, this was featured not long ago, but still...y'know... read
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  Interesting low fi comedy horror
  A review of The Down and Out Diner
  by Heathery on 08/15/2011
  I liked the dialogue and thought the descriptions made it easy to visualize what the diner was like. I liked that the toupee had what seemed like an appropriate voice that would suit a toupee. It drew up a lot of disgust when I read about the toupee dripping with blood and mixing in with the pasta sauce. Very low fi and reminiscent of filmslike braindead or the man with three... I liked the dialogue and thought the descriptions made it easy to visualize what the diner was like. I liked that the toupee had what seemed like an appropriate voice that would suit a toupee. It drew up a lot of disgust when I read about the toupee dripping with blood and mixing in with the pasta sauce. Very low fi and reminiscent of filmslike braindead or the man with three arms to me.
  
  If it got made into a horror short, I could see the feature someone like fangoria would snap up. And it was funny..
  
  I got a little stuck on the character who kept calling his adversary a fat fuck. I don't have a problem with the swearing, and even if the opposing character was a fat fuck, it was his repetition of the phrase, which made me start to not like the character and wonder why I should carry on reading. It's not essential to like the characters in any story, I know that. But it made it harder to focus, and to care.
  
  Descriptions and dialogue alright though. Something new in the world of gore. read
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  Just weird
  A review of The Down and Out Diner
  by djburke on 11/10/2010
  This is one of the oddest stories I have read for while. I don't know what to make of it or how to review it. It is imaginative with good descriptions of what was happening. however, I can not follow the logic for the story since it does not have any. I am not sure if this is supposed to be a story told in a drug induced haze. That would at least explain it. I needed an... This is one of the oddest stories I have read for while.
  I don't know what to make of it or how to review it.
  
  It is imaginative with good descriptions of what was happening. however, I can not follow the logic for the story since it does not have any. I am not sure if this is supposed to be a story told in a drug induced haze. That would at least explain it.
  
  I needed an explanation as to why everyone behaved so oddly. Why was the hairpiece talking, why fight it. It is all just too odd. If the main character was on drugs, this should be introduced somewhere.
  
  The author needs to do a much better job of setting this up so the reader can follow. read
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  DANTE'S HAIRY INFERNO
  A review of The Down and Out Diner
  by gclifton on 05/14/2010
  This unusual piece is not your run of the mill story. POV is the dreaming mind of a man who is thrust by sleep into a hell of a mess. Your idea is very good, in that the parameters of a dream have no limits. In the real world, dreams of infinite variety and goofiness plague many folks and thus, this guy tends to gain empathy from many readers. The idea of the toupee eating... This unusual piece is not your run of the mill story. POV is the dreaming mind of a man who is thrust by sleep into a hell of a mess. Your idea is very good, in that the parameters of a dream have no limits.
  
  In the real world, dreams of infinite variety and goofiness plague many folks and thus, this guy tends to gain empathy from many readers.
  
  The idea of the toupee eating the fat guy's head, then attacking the protag is nuts, but is a very innovative scenario in terms of describing dreams, many of which re even more bizzare.
  
  Note you've used the phrase "almost like" several times on page 2, when a little variation of terms might fly a little better. I'm an old cop with a wide vocabulary of cuss words, but I'll bet this would tell as well with a little less profanity.
  
  This is graphically gripping, reflecting considerable creativity and forethought. Runaway hairpiece -- a great concept. Next guy I meet wearing a rug gets my foot in his ass. read
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  Dangerous Diner
  A review of The Down and Out Diner
  by mnjones on 11/12/2009
  The good writing kept me reading, but at the end I wondered if the story deserved the good writing. As much as I enjoyed the writing I did not like the story, although the first two pages piqued my interest with the fine descrption of the diner and its zombie-like characters. The colorful old jukebox was a nice touch. I was reminded of diners I was in years ago. I was still... The good writing kept me reading, but at the end I wondered if the story deserved the good writing. As much as I enjoyed the writing I did not like the story, although the first two pages piqued my interest with the fine descrption of the diner and its zombie-like characters. The colorful old jukebox was a nice touch. I was reminded of diners I was in years ago. I was still interested when the toupee started talking, but then I thought the story fell apart. It wasn't funny. It wasn't satisfying. I didn't get the point. For me, it turned out to be another quirky bit of scifi nonsense. I think this writer can do way better. read
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  revie of diner
  A review of The Down and Out Diner
  by alaisbar on 04/27/2009
  This is a very weird and funny story, like something from a monthy python sketch. Personally i wouldn't have it as a dream, i'd write it as if it happen or was happening. Generally I feel you have to do an good edit on it. Break it up into more paragraphs and start a new paragraph when someone is finished talking. You need to take out as many words as possible. Replace lines... This is a very weird and funny story, like something from a monthy python sketch. Personally i wouldn't have it as a dream, i'd write it as if it happen or was happening.
  Generally I feel you have to do an good edit on it. Break it up into more paragraphs and start a new paragraph when someone is finished talking.
  You need to take out as many words as possible. Replace lines like 'In fact, she's not even moving.' make it 'She doesn't move.' or 'She stands still.'
  'He's got on these dark grey pants that almost look like sweatpants.' - 'He's wearing dark grey pants that look like sweatpants.'
  If you require a helping hand with this, i can help you out.
  
  Personally i would exageratte the fight between your character and the wig, having the side burns of the wig as arms, where it could do round house kicks, and maybe have a flick knife. read
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  Like a Dream
  A review of The Down and Out Diner
  by PeacefullySubjected on 03/26/2009
  This story was quirky and fun, I really enjoyed reading it. I can imagine that you had this dream and just jotted it down to share with the rest of us. I could visual the entire scenario and it indeed felt like a crazy dream. The one thing I would have liked to see you do differently is to get creative with your word choice. I think one or two “fat fucks” (there are 11 in... This story was quirky and fun, I really enjoyed reading it. I can imagine that you had this dream and just jotted it down to share with the rest of us. I could visual the entire scenario and it indeed felt like a crazy dream.
  
  The one thing I would have liked to see you do differently is to get creative with your word choice. I think one or two “fat fucks” (there are 11 in all) is sufficient in describing the fat guy with the talking hair, maybe you could find other ways to describe him such as, “gelatinous slob,” or “oversized whale,” etc. Get descriptive – there are tons of options for referring to the various people in your scene. I’m not apposed to the language choice, but I just found it to be repetitive.
  
  I might leave out “My head hits the pillow” and just place us directly into the diner. You can reveal that it’s a dream at the end for a nice little twist – or just leave us guessing. I actually really like the way you ended it, but notice that you use “fat fuck” twice in that 4 sentence paragraph – I would omit the first one for another euphemism and leave in the second one for effect.
  
  The tone of the story is a little angry, probably due to all the vulgarity, but you can calm it down while keeping a portion of the vulgarity by being selective about it and tightening up the rest of it. For example, “The metal legs are all rusted and caked with dirt.” Is common language that works if you’re telling this story to your buddies, but for a written story I would omit, “all”.
  
  Other examples would be:
  
  “(I mean,) I can see underneath the fucking thing, the light glaring off his head”
  
  “So this (fat fuck) is sitting there (eating, what else,) scarfing down some kind of pasta that covers his plate like a steep winding volcano.”
  
  “I stand up, knocking my (piece-of-shit) chair over, and make my way over to the fat man’s table.”
  
  “I desperately grab at (the fucking thing), trying to pull it off my face. The fucking thing is laughing at me.” Find another adjective for the first (or 2nd) “fucking thing”
  
  “I start walking toward the jukebox, (once again) determined. Determined to take care of this thing once and for all.”
  
  There are more, but you get my drift…..
  
  Overall I actually really like your style and enjoyed the story a lot. Kudos!
  read
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  Clash of Attitudes
  A review of The Down and Out Diner
  by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 01/23/2009
  Dark and absurd. I really appreciated your voice here – funny, clipped. Take no prisoners. Despite the narrator losing control of the events here and being the victim, he retains his keen and comic "judgementalism". Better than everybody, even down to the last bit when he’s just as down and out as the rest of them – literally devoured by them. As absurd as it was, the toupee... Dark and absurd. I really appreciated your voice here – funny, clipped. Take no prisoners. Despite the narrator losing control of the events here and being the victim, he retains his keen and comic "judgementalism". Better than everybody, even down to the last bit when he’s just as down and out as the rest of them – literally devoured by them.
  
  As absurd as it was, the toupee fight sequence itself could slow down a bit. You technically take us through it move by move, but it flies by super fast and uses just about every object in the room. With just a bit more time spent here, perhaps the narrator still trying to grasp the situation, we can get more out of the fight. After all, he’s finally met his match here and it’s a pleasure to see these two attitudes rumble. read
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  The toupe from hell
  A review of The Down and Out Diner
  by chessaol on 01/06/2009
  The toupe from hell comes to town. The setting is a 1950's cafe. The people seem to be frozen and the Toupe is talking. . . The story grabbed you right away with a out of time and space cafe. The toupe was out of place and the story continues. The storyline is continuous without pauses or lapses. The twist at the end was a surprise and rescued the story from the ordinary... The toupe from hell comes to town. The setting is a 1950's cafe. The people seem to be frozen and the Toupe is talking. . .
  
  The story grabbed you right away with a out of time and space cafe. The toupe was out of place and the story continues. The storyline is continuous without pauses or lapses. The twist at the end was a surprise and rescued the story from the ordinary.
  
  The spelling and punctuation were carefully done. Grammar and syntax were also if you consised proper syntax the "F" word then this is very proper.
  
  Was it comfortable to read? No.
  The vulgarity was excessive. We all learned the words in school and in junior high we tried to see how many cuss words we could put into a conversation to impress people. We found out in highschool that we had been impressing people all right, But not in the way we had hoped to. Then we became mature and quit using them. This author needs to mature and clean up the cussin.
  
  Was it easy to read? no
  The reading level was low, with simple words. However the story wasn't smooth. The roughness abd awkward style made it a more difficult read, about a medium I would say.
  
  Did I like it? yes.
  The story was just crazy enough to give me a big laugh. Unfortunately the cursing was very excessive and distracting. read
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  The Down and Out Diner
  A review of The Down and Out Diner
  by Susan P. on 09/22/2008
  Hello mijorico, Thank you for sharing your work on TS. Well, this was an interesting little noire/horror surreal piece of writing! I really liked the concept and overall, thought you executed it very well. Whilst the ending may seem abrupt to some, I think that's about as good as it could, and should be, given the toupee is really the lynch pin. In this story the toupee... Hello mijorico, Thank you for sharing your work on TS.
  
  Well, this was an interesting little noire/horror surreal piece of writing!
  
  I really liked the concept and overall, thought you executed it very well.
  
  Whilst the ending may seem abrupt to some, I think that's about as good as it could, and should be, given the toupee is really the lynch pin. In this story the toupee serves as both the antagonist AND the incarnation of the 'hero'.
  
  The fact that you started the story with the head hitting the pillow does, I think, serve as a safety valve for those who would like to really think that this is all a dream!
  
  I can see this story working well as a short film with an animation (perhaps) component.
  
  Some issues that you may like to consider.
  
  Page 1.
  
  Line 2. I would tend to add the following to the second like sentence so it reads, "..nostalgic diners, but one on the down and out." This would give it that sense of deterioration from the get go. Not sure memorabilia is "stupid" in the context but that may be a taste issue on my part.
  
  In the second para you have the jukebox "nearly right in front of me". That somehow seemed a tad awkward to me and you actually repeat the "nearly" a little later and then on page two talk about the "few tables in front of me" so, I would review the placement description of where the jukebox is.
  
  The ash "working its way closer and closer to her mouth" is a good line and there were others similar. Well done on that.
  
  Page 2.
  
  Top two lines I would omit a couple of words and add a comma and have, "..like zombies, with dark bags under their eyes and gray, wrinkly sin." These small changes make for a rhythm that matches your surrounding text.
  
  Where you have in third large para down "Then I see something move" just remember that the guy is already moving.
  
  Fourth last line I would cut "almost" from "it almost sounds".
  
  Page 3.
  
  I would review two sentences near the end of para two. The one starting with, "Nobody looks or helps, the fucking zombies" as for some reason that sounded a little teenage there. And, "Now I start pounding on the damn thing again,..." because you have it smashing your face. I think that just needs sentence review.
  
  Page 4.
  
  Second last para I would have "..blood, sweat and rotting food". I think that in a succinct way to convey a more powerful message and I think that's more along the lines of your intention.
  
  All the best with your writing career. read