Reviews of The Lament 25

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  Trauma Tripled
  A review of The Lament
  by CJForster on 09/26/2011
  Max – great to get to review another of your works; don’t worry, I have NP on my list and I’ll write up a free one for you soon. Now for the ‘The Lament’! Brutal murder, most foul, is laid out on the pages of ‘The Lament’. Cruel and unusual punishment is dished out to unworthy and undeserving victims. Can the untempered temper of an unbalanced individual send the reader’s... Max – great to get to review another of your works; don’t worry, I have NP on my list and I’ll write up a free one for you soon. Now for the ‘The Lament’!
  
  Brutal murder, most foul, is laid out on the pages of ‘The Lament’. Cruel and unusual punishment is dished out to unworthy and undeserving victims. Can the untempered temper of an unbalanced individual send the reader’s skin crawling? Do unmitigated acts of violence on unsuspecting innocents churn our stomachs?
  
  These are the ambitions of the author: to shock, to horrify. By laying waste to the lives of children, the author explores our moral repugnance and discombobulates our ethical centre. All in all, it is a job well done, but with much scope for fine tuning and rethinking in the second draft.
  
  The concept is original, and the author’s vision of hell unique and powerful. This is the highlight of the story for the reader: an other-worldly manifestation of divine and devilish punishment. White, sterile corridors, without depth or texture. Bodies fixed into the walls while fixated on their sins. It is the purest description of hell this reviewer has ever read. Its simplicity is filled with horror.
  
  In the real world, the protagonist, Nathan Linnogen, is a troubled man. Beaten and traumatised as a child by his peers, he harbours great anger and malice as an adult. Grown up, he is presented with the opportunity for revenge, not on his original attackers, but on three children, three bullies. One by one he abducts and attempts to kill them, in the end only to be caught and imprisoned.
  
  While Nathan’s acts are deplorable, they are unfortunately not always believable. He grows up displaying no outward traits of having a twisted mind (this was a similar issue in ‘Necro Phil’). In fact, despite his disadvantage as an orphan he is a success as an electrician and can “live comfortably”. His sudden desire to kidnap and kill three children seems out of character. It also suggests that from childhood until the age of 26 he never came across any other bullies. The reader is forced to ask “Why this moment? Why now?” Yet the author doesn’t address this; there is no trigger or spark that forces Nathan to act as he does. This is the central weakness of the story.
  
  In terms of structure, it is well thought out. Bouncing between two scenes (hell and earth) is a common device used to entice the reader through mystery. Yet an author must always ask “what is the purpose of this device” and “does it work”? By starting in hell the reader is intrigued as to the crimes of the protagonist. Once this crime is revealed, bouncing back to hell serves no purpose. It can only be used to end the story; finalize the protagonist’s demise. A slightly more effective structure would perhaps be hell-earth-hell, rather than hell-earth-hell-earth-hell. Something to think about.
  
  In terms of writing, it feels as if the author is still searching for their voice. Every writer has their own distinctive style, some more effective and personal than others. Personally, the key to any good writing style is cadence. It is not simply the words used, the images conjured, or the devices deployed. It is about the music and rhythm of the prose. That’s not to say it must all be smooth and mellifluous; composers regularly use dissonance and cacophonous phrases to elicit negative emotions (fear, apprehension, nervousness) in their audiences. There’s no reason a writer cannot use the same techniques.
  
  Aside from style, the author has a great deal of room to edit. Chaff must be cut and the author must be ruthless. Only that which is absolutely germane to the story should be included. Everything else is ballast slowing the reader down. For example, there is no need to explain how Nathan studied to become an electrician; he should simply be one. There is no need to mention he was low on money; it is not an impulse for his actions. In fact, the “growing up” section can be totally removed as it creates an elongated sense of time in the reader’s mind that is unexplored and therefore unnecessary. Ideally, a short story should follow Edgar Allan Poe’s dictum that the narrative should be contained within as short a period as possible: an hour, an afternoon, a day, not more.
  
  There is very little dialogue in ‘The Lament’. Perhaps that is the intention of the author, to display Nathan as a lonely character. But dialogue is where characters come alive. Their true selves come to light best while interacting with others. It also helps writers avoid the trap of telling instead of showing. “Show, Don’t Tell” is fundamental to good writing and the author would benefit from revising their draft and honestly highlighting where they fall afoul of this rule.
  
  Max, I think you have a great deal of imagination and, therefore, potential. I know there are a lot of criticisms in this review, but that’s only because you show such promise. Instead of pontificating, let me point you towards some articles and books that really helped me. First off, buy two books: Aristotle’s ‘Poetics’ and Lajos Egri’s ‘The Art of Dramatic Writing’. They are short and extremely insightful; best of all, they don’t quite agree, which gives a writer space to be flexible and experiment. While you wait for Amazon to deliver them, search and download a PDF copy of Raymond Carver’s article, ‘Principles of a Story’. These two short pages beautifully describe the point and purpose of short story writing. Once you have all three, read them. Then read them again. Make notes. Dog ear pages. Underline passages. Always have them to hand.
  
  Longest review I’ve yet written! Hope you don’t mind and take heart that it’s a positive sign! Good luck with the next draft. If you want to bounce ideas off me, I’m happy to act as a sound board. read
• 
  IT ONLY HURTS WHEN I ……
  A review of The Lament
  by gulfcoastomega on 09/16/2011
  My review of LAMENT Overview: Nathan finds himself in Hell and through flashbacks we see why he is there. Due to a past history of being the victim of bullying, he becomes a murderer. My thoughts on the piece: --The flashbacks between the Hell existence and the mortal world existence. It looked like there were four Hell and three mortal. I’m from the school that flashbacks... My review of LAMENT
  
  Overview:
  Nathan finds himself in Hell and through flashbacks we see why he is there. Due to a past history of being the victim of bullying, he becomes a murderer.
  
  
  My thoughts on the piece:
  
  --The flashbacks between the Hell existence and the mortal world existence.
  It looked like there were four Hell and three mortal. I’m from the school that flashbacks should be kept to a minimum. Possibly combine two of the Hells together into one.
  
  --How old was Nathan when he was first being bullied?
  
  --The school: What grade levels did this school teach. What was the age range of the student population?
  
  --The bullies that Nathan killed: How old were they?
  
  --Nathan’s first meeting the two bullies to discuss the cell phone:
  This seemed contrived. Too neat of a package.
  
  I liked this story. It was well written in a concise, direct style, with good flow.
  The author did a nice job of creating the atmosphere surrounding a stay in Hell and there was a good descriptive narrative in creating characters and imagery in his writing. read
• 
  Great Title!
  A review of The Lament
  by mollyazami on 08/30/2011
  You chose a great title. I commend you on your use of the first person. It is a difficult task to write a complete story in the first person and you pull it off well. You do not leave the reader wondering how they could be reading this first person story either. That loose end is tied up neatly. I can’t say I enjoyed the story as I am a mom and it is a bit disturbing. The... You chose a great title. I commend you on your use of the first person. It is a difficult task to write a complete story in the first person and you pull it off well. You do not leave the reader wondering how they could be reading this first person story either. That loose end is tied up neatly. I can’t say I enjoyed the story as I am a mom and it is a bit disturbing. The premise is a good one though, an interesting look at how someone may be twisted into a psychotic killer.
  As a techno-geek I have a bit of a problem with the vagueness and words used to describe what his job is at the school. Certainly no more details are required, but an “electrical system” implies the complete wiring and electrical devices in a building, to change that out he would need to disturb the running of the school. If his work was confined to just the electrical room, then maybe you should say he is changing out the electrical panels.
  You conjure up powerful images of Hell. I like the way the arrest and confinement in prison just sort of merged and melted into Hell. Well done, thanks for sharing it. read
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  The lament review
  A review of The Lament
  by Envy on 08/29/2011
  Interesting piece. Kind of reminded me of Stephen King but I'm not sure why. The narator has this skiill of inflicting this weird state of claustrophobia to the reader while describing the main character's emotional purgatory, so major props for that. You also do a really good job at creating a pretty complex character within the span of 20+ pages. The concept wasn't very original... Interesting piece. Kind of reminded me of Stephen King but I'm not sure why. The narator has this skiill of inflicting this weird state of claustrophobia to the reader while describing the main character's emotional purgatory, so major props for that.
  You also do a really good job at creating a pretty complex character within the span of 20+ pages.
  The concept wasn't very original and the dialogue seemed a bit dry- altough I did love that line “It’s not our fault! It can’t be our fault!”. It's so simple. It came out of nowhere and it gave a whole new dimension to the "angry mob", indicating more than just anger and outrage aimed at the main character. read
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  A disturbing idea, but presented too heavy handedly
  A review of The Lament
  by TOFMatt on 08/28/2011
  The Lament is a throwback to stories like those shown on Tales from the Crypt. Although it begins with a very spiritual premise, the actual story itself is disturbing in a much more human way. In this respect, it's largely successful. Nathan is not so much evil as he is pathetic and disturbed. This is a good angle, particularly for a story about lamentation. Where the... The Lament is a throwback to stories like those shown on Tales from the Crypt. Although it begins with a very spiritual premise, the actual story itself is disturbing in a much more human way. In this respect, it's largely successful. Nathan is not so much evil as he is pathetic and disturbed. This is a good angle, particularly for a story about lamentation.
  
  Where the piece struggles is in its presentation. First, things are a little too clear cut. This is mostly a result of the largely passive structure and existential phrases (was, is, be, etc). Particularly for a story taking place in the first person, things are too clear-cut - everything "is" something. There's no room for interpretation. Let the character's feelings seep into the POV and taint it.
  
  There's also some unnatural word usage. To say someone falls into "dissonance" is a little too formal/textbook for a person's thoughts. Another example would be "my vision was enhanced." This is really blunt - better to give an example like "Colors brightened, the world sharpened" or something like that.
  
  Structurally, the work is bookended with his experiences in hell, which is a great idea and should definitely be kept. However, for the first 3-4 pages, the vantage point seems to switch from his present to his past, then this mechanic is suddenly forgotten until the very end when it pops up again. It seems a little inconsistent and is probably better to either just bookend the story with them, or have the flashing back and forth persist for the entire story.
  
  Finally, the story beats are a little inconsistent. The story lingers for a long time on the opening events (getting beaten up, stalking the first kid, etc) and then whips relatively quickly through the last section. This is compounded by some extraneous scenes (such as Nathan meeting the school staff and insisting on getting the headmaster's permission to search his vehicle). These can be cleaned up to make the overall progression a little smoother.
  
  In all, there's a good story here but needs a little TLC to really make it shine. read
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  Where'd I put my prozac?
  A review of The Lament
  by dplage1116 on 08/27/2011
  Prior to reading this story, I was already feeling the linger effects of a relatively minor depressive episode. Now, having read your work, I need to find a bottle of prozac stat. If I were you, I would consider taking that as a compliment. Horror is an inherently visceral; the goal to inspire a certain emotion in the reader. There came a point where this story became difficult... Prior to reading this story, I was already feeling the linger effects of a relatively minor depressive episode. Now, having read your work, I need to find a bottle of prozac stat. If I were you, I would consider taking that as a compliment. Horror is an inherently visceral; the goal to inspire a certain emotion in the reader. There came a point where this story became difficult to read, not because it was a bore or poor writing, but because of just how vicious it all is. As a writer of horror, that should most certainly be your goal. Basically, the atmosphere the most important aspect of a horror story, is impeccable.
  
  The only major issue with atmosphere here is with the final two paragraphs. Everything up to that point has been an absolutely brutal exercise in primal violence and brutality, nothing but a dark road, a highway, if you can stomach the ACDC reference, that leads Nathan to hell. Then, within the span out but two paragraphs, he finds some sort of hope in the midst of a burning wasteland? This reviewer (Oh my Darwin, that sounded pompous) doesn't buy it. Twenty-one pages of just terrible things and then suddenly, out of thin air, this ending that turns a downer into something that is bitter-sweet? Nah! Go through with it! Don't cop out now!
  
  As a final, and fairly anticlimactic, note, I want to touch on the dialogue. At first, it seemed odd, but I was reading them mentally with American accents. Once it dawned on me that this was set in Britian, it clicked. read
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  Creative
  A review of The Lament
  by loracov on 07/22/2011
  This story was very imaginative and creative. I would have liked you to slow down and provide more details about Nathan's life. We skipped from age 18 to 26. What happened during those years to add to his breaking point when he saw one, less severe case of bullying? I did really like the description of hell and the story was very creative and moving right along..till we... This story was very imaginative and creative. I would have liked you to slow down and provide more details about Nathan's life. We skipped from age 18 to 26. What happened during those years to add to his breaking point when he saw one, less severe case of bullying?
  I did really like the description of hell and the story was very creative and moving right along..till we jumped to "My name was Nathan Linnogen" (which should be "My name is Nathan Linnogen" - keep a consistent tense).
  I know how it is when you are writing so fast to get the ideas out of your head and on paper as fast as you can -- but with some patience and a rewrite, I see great potential for this story. You've got a great imagination. read
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  Hard and Heavy Hitting
  A review of The Lament
  by Victoria-Lynne on 07/18/2011
  I really didn't expect to enjoy this as much as I did, but it was amazingly well written. The description is incredible. It creates a pristine, crystal clear image in the readers head. Usually I like to be able to have some freedom with intense imagery, but Max Watt hit the nail on the head with this one. The story is relatable on so many levels. A lot of people have been... I really didn't expect to enjoy this as much as I did, but it was amazingly well written. The description is incredible. It creates a pristine, crystal clear image in the readers head. Usually I like to be able to have some freedom with intense imagery, but Max Watt hit the nail on the head with this one.
  
  The story is relatable on so many levels. A lot of people have been bullied in school, and perhaps could justify Nathan's thought process if not actions.
  
  I’m an atheist as well as the author, however I felt the imagery of hell was outstanding - instead of unrealistic and a tactic for scaremongering. I’ve been in church a few times with friends and if the vicar had described Hell in this way, far fewer people would have fallen asleep.
  
  An amazing read and I recommend it to everyone.
  read
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  Review of The Lament
  A review of The Lament
  by jflynn31 on 07/17/2011
  I like this story a lot. I like the multi-faceted nature of your P.O.V. You’ve done an admirable job of making him sympathetic, even though he earns what seems to be an eternity of punishment for some pretty heinous crimes. In a sense, you have three characters: the contrite penitent, presumably damned to hell, the polite, introverted and damaged electrician whose painful... I like this story a lot. I like the multi-faceted nature of your P.O.V. You’ve done an admirable job of making him sympathetic, even though he earns what seems to be an eternity of punishment for some pretty heinous crimes. In a sense, you have three characters: the contrite penitent, presumably damned to hell, the polite, introverted and damaged electrician whose painful history leads him to protect and seek vengeance and finally, a raging psychopath, who bashes juvenile bullies’ heads in with a crowbar.
  
  I think the story could benefit from your fleshing out the P.O.V.’s motives and going a bit deeper into the workings of his mind. There’s a troubling disconnect between the event he describes from his childhood— which is somewhat harsh but also kind of typical— and his desire, as an adult, to exact vengeance in the form of murder. I think what you’ve done so far is a good start. If it were my story, I’d spend a bit more time with his unhappy childhood. There had to be more than what you’ve (he’s) described, unless your P.O.V. is just really crazy and dangerous. If that’s the case, you should probably flesh-out his malady with dialogue, action, thought, etc. As it stands, it doesn’t ring true but I bet you could fix it in a few re-writes.
  
  Anyway, good job. Good luck to you and I hope you keep with it. read
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  Linnogen's Lament
  A review of The Lament
  by DeeEm on 07/16/2011
  Seemingly, we're with Nathan Linnogen in hell, whilst he recounts the atrocious actions that put him there. Part of the 'Lament' is his experience of the torment, but the majority is basically a piece of storytelling. The clarification at the end of the story to whom the story is directed is interesting, but kinda makes previous elements a bit inconsistent. Also a bit jarring... Seemingly, we're with Nathan Linnogen in hell, whilst he recounts the atrocious actions that put him there. Part of the 'Lament' is his experience of the torment, but the majority is basically a piece of storytelling. The clarification at the end of the story to whom the story is directed is interesting, but kinda makes previous elements a bit inconsistent. Also a bit jarring is the transition from heightened abstract description to a fairly down-the-line piece of narrative - Nathan's actions and conversations at the school are told fairly plainly. Both work, but maybe the tonal rhythm could do with readjusting a bit. I'm picking though really, it's a pretty interesting story, not much fun to read, but I guess that's the point. I think it might be a bit better if it was told just from the point he first arrived at the school to the point the police confront him, with hints back at his time in foster home. But that might just be me, I guess I'm not too keen on the 'horror' at either end - the child murder descriptions satisfy that for me! You could integrate the hellish metaphors at those points, as you do partly and pretty well already.
  
  Technically there's a few things wrong with speech marks and question marks towards the end which makes me think you perhaps rushed through the end a bit? The beginning seems almost fastidiously correct so perhaps the ending could do with a few more scans. read