Reviews of The Lament (rev) 13

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  The Hell's of Everlasting Haunts
  A review of The Lament (rev)
  by rachelreaugh on 04/01/2012
  Hi. Thank you for posting your story for review. Haunting opening. Nice! The sentence 'then the flames were gone' -- I was left wondering about the blisters on his skin as he fell through the inferno … was he unharmed? when he landed in the 'centre of a while corridor' I'd have enjoyed knowing more about this spot before rushing to the next thing. Transition between... Hi. Thank you for posting your story for review.
  
  Haunting opening. Nice!
  
  The sentence 'then the flames were gone' -- I was left wondering about the blisters on his skin as he fell through the inferno … was he unharmed? when he landed in the 'centre of a while corridor' I'd have enjoyed knowing more about this spot before rushing to the next thing. Transition between the inferno and landing in the white corridor felt rushed. Perhaps this could be extended slightly to allow reader to feel into the pain, torment, anxiety and then momentary relief?
  
  The two paragraphs about the 'coiled roots' pulling him in was great imagery! Perhaps just a bit of tweaking. Perhaps you could tighten up the sentences and paragraphs to make the imagery and dramatics of scene pop? Had a bit of trouble following the flow of the direction of the 'coiled roots.' The sentence the 'roots crashed through the wall ahead of me …" but then tripped the character onto their front seemed odd. perhaps the 'roots crashed through the walls beside me or behind me?" Just an idea.
  
  Found myself wanting to hear more of the thoughts and feelings from main character as they were being coiled in the roots and cemented into stone and then engulfed by flames. Would add to the 'hellish nightmare' they ware experiencing - flush out the horror of it all.
  
  Maybe a bit more of a 'punchier' dramatic sentence when transitioning from the 'eternal hell' to regular life? Similar to your first opening sentence. Something to really grab hold of the reader and pull them in further?
  
  The paragraph beginning "when I was twenty-six…" maybe say his job up front? Felt awkward to read.
  
  Nice job on the names of the bullies … great concept!!
  
  Could really resonate with the hauntings the main character was having upon coming face-to-face with younger bullies that reminded him of his own attackers. For brief moments during these encounters, I forgot I was reading a story and was fully immersed and feeling the character. Nice writing! Enjoyed how you transitioned the flashbacks!
  
  Last sentence in paragraph that begins with "It was luck …" didn't make sense.
  
  Sentence "the Head's head …" didn't seem to run smooth for me.
  
  When the 'kicker' jumped at main charter for first time you said his name 'Marcus' - felt out of place.
  
  Felt lost after the main character was arrested and lost consciousness. The rest of the story from that point on I felt confused by. Perhaps that was the purpose. Not knowing if the main character was truly dead as we define it or dead as in spiritually. Perhaps a bit more tweaking of the end to tie it together just a little more?
  
  Overall, very good! Enjoyed how your story left me questioning reality. read
• 
  re: good story
  A review of The Lament (rev)
  by eliane on 02/07/2012
  Max, Though I`m not the best person for horror, I really liked your story. You developed the character really well. The pacing of the story and how Nathan`s character is revealed was nicely done. The structure was well thought out and I guess the one thing I would have liked to see was more of Nathan`s background, his environment, a bit of his life just to illuminate more... Max,
  Though I`m not the best person for horror, I really liked your story. You developed the character really well. The pacing of the story and how Nathan`s character is revealed was nicely done.
  
  The structure was well thought out and I guess the one thing I would have liked to see was more of Nathan`s background, his environment, a bit of his life just to illuminate more the trigger he suffers due to all the bullying.
  
  Good work and it would make a good short film!
  all the best
  eliane read
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  A Lament
  A review of The Lament (rev)
  by rz_sain on 02/03/2012
  This was a somewhat layered story that made for an interesting read. I'll jump to specifics now An observation I can clearly make judging from the writing style is that you translate into writing what you see visually. Here's an example, "He looked up, then back again, “Tuesday.” I looked up, then back again, “Nothing springs to mind.” A visual writing style (if it's called... This was a somewhat layered story that made for an interesting read. I'll jump to specifics now
  
  An observation I can clearly make judging from the writing style is that you translate into writing what you see visually. Here's an example,
  "He looked up, then back again, “Tuesday.”
  I looked up, then back again, “Nothing springs to mind.”
  A visual writing style (if it's called that) can be very tricky, and can only be used to describe something in part, and I can't see it successfully being employed to convey an entire story. I've used it extensively myself, and looking back, all I can say is it's been excellent practice but I'm very happy to have moved on. The point is, in the case quoted above for example, that you have a problem- you want to specify the physical actions of the characters, but the reader does not like being told that a character 'looks up, then back again' because it makes the text clunky so... the simplest way to avoid such a situation would be to make it so that the reader visualizes the desired action himself, based on cues that you give, ie, the set up. If I might make a recommendation that has worked for me, I'd achieve this by describing the thoughts of the characters in some details, so there is no option in the readers imagination but to sorta take the route that you wish to lead them on. I'd like to illustrate this by example, again working with the same quote
  So here we have
  "He looked up, then back again, “Tuesday.”
  I looked up, then back again, “Nothing springs to mind.”
  This could be something like,
  The policeman paused for a moment, turning to the ceiling in thought, he wasn't expecting to be the one giving the answers. "Tuesday", he finally said.
  Half-amused despite myself, I, too, looked at the ceiling just where he had, and after a pause, pretended to read off, "Nothing springs to mind" before turning to face him once again.
  I realize humour may not have been your intent here, but that's another point, if you merely describe an action, it is left open to interpretation, like I honestly believe you were going for a slightly comic thing just there. But if you describe the characters instead, their thoughts, their motivations, then you control the sentence, and the reader's experience.
  
  One more thing I'd like to address is your use of first-person. The way you have written this short story, depending largely on descriptions of events for your narrative, this style suits a third person telling better. What I take to be the point of a first-person narrative is the incredible freedom it provides to explore your character and his feelings.
  
  Anyway, I hope you find these little suggestions even the least bit helpful, they've helped me considerably over the years, and I wish you the best of luck in your future projects. read
• 
  The Lament.
  A review of The Lament (rev)
  by guggy on 01/30/2012
  "I knew I was dead." How did he know he was dead? How is he horrified at a rectangular indentation? But when I tried to join them they dismembered me? The sky was red. Try the red sky of the evening showed through the thin branches of the trees as they came upon me. Suddenly he's 26. No back story on how he worked hard to earn his job? What's an electric room? More description... "I knew I was dead." How did he know he was dead?
  
  How is he horrified at a rectangular indentation?
  
  But when I tried to join them they dismembered me?
  
  The sky was red. Try the red sky of the evening showed through the thin branches of the trees as they came upon me.
  
  Suddenly he's 26. No back story on how he worked hard to earn his job?
  
  What's an electric room? More description.
  
  Please take the above as constructive. There's too much passive writing : Was, were, have. Watch out for passive writing, it kills the flow of a story.
  
  Overall a good premise, but you need to go over the story with a fine tooth comb and kill all the passive words. Also, add more descriptive words, not just red, blood red, crimson, the red of a fiery sun, Etc.
  
  These are just a few pointers and are intended to help.
  Give your story a good polish and I'll read it again.
  guggy. read
• 
  Scared the crap out of me...
  A review of The Lament (rev)
  by vieira4 on 01/30/2012
  ...and therefore fulfilled its function as a horror story. It is also extremely well written. I take issue with some aspects of the premise. Yes, the guy did awful things, but he was punished for them in his actual life, right? I don't know... Perhaps that's the point you're trying to make, that the concept of hell is ridiculous because it's not a fair one. That, actually,... ...and therefore fulfilled its function as a horror story. It is also extremely well written.
  
  I take issue with some aspects of the premise. Yes, the guy did awful things, but he was punished for them in his actual life, right? I don't know... Perhaps that's the point you're trying to make, that the concept of hell is ridiculous because it's not a fair one. That, actually, is the great thing about this story. You can read it straight, in an, "if I'm in trouble at school I'm in more trouble at home" kind of way, or you can read it critically. read
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  Linnogen's Inferno
  A review of The Lament (rev)
  by MagnoliaMoon on 01/30/2012
  MagnoliaMoon’s review of “The Lament,” written by Max Watt This is not my first rodeo of Max Watt’s bareback writing. He breaks the common rules of grammar and ‘formal’ style, but then . . the story takes wings. In this rodeo, as in the others, it is obvious that the author can WRITE! He possesses a magical wand that sprinkles fairy dust over ‘mistakes’ because his imagery... MagnoliaMoon’s review of “The Lament,” written by Max Watt
  
  This is not my first rodeo of Max Watt’s bareback writing. He breaks the common rules of grammar and ‘formal’ style, but then . . the story takes wings.
  In this rodeo, as in the others, it is obvious that the author can WRITE! He possesses a magical wand that sprinkles fairy dust over ‘mistakes’ because his imagery compels that they be overlooked.
  
  “The Lament” is a vision of hell, or something very similar, told through the first-person narrative of the central character, who ‘was Nathan Linnogen.’ Dante’s “Inferno,” and other works suggest what eternal damnation is, what it looks and feels like.
  
  Readers have sought variations of the Hell Looks Like / Feels Like theme for a long time because it is enticing, alluring and rife with ‘what ifs.’ “The Lament” falls into that category, and that fact alone makes the writer’s bold theme a tough one to tackle. But tackle it, he does, with a singular kick in the psyche.
  
  Max Watt’s story has a surprising, unconventional twist to the oft-told tale of ‘here I am in hell’ and/or ‘what it looks like.’ I will not spoil it for the next reader. Rather, to Max I say – NICE TWIST !!
  
  The story moves with staccato speed, full of spectacular action and believable, relevant dialogue. The conclusion of the story, for me, needs to be expanded to fill out the theme; but, as written, it is nonetheless exceptional.
  
  Secondary characters are well written with little flourish, and serve to illuminate the mind and life of the central character, who ‘was Nathan Linnogen.”
  
  This writer’s ability to translate his creativity into uncommon imagery shines in many places in “The Lament.” For example:
  
  Pg. 3 : “My scream bounced around the corridor and merged into the dissonance.” WOW ! BRAVO !!
  
  In summary, “The Lament” is well named, written in a unique style, and cannot be considered ‘the usual’ in short story composition.
  
  (Max, you can send my money through Paypal.)
  
  Suggestion to Max: Gnaw your knuckles if you must, but please try to avoid all adverbs. Think of them as huge bumps in the road of your fast-paced story.
  
  Pg. 2 : “I turned and ran, catching a glimpse through the corner of my eye, of the flames.”
  
  Classic case of adverb in the road – “catching.” This reduces the action to slo-mo, and trips up the entire sentence. I am not about re-writing anything. I’m having a difficult enough time writing my own stuff. That said, IF I were an editor or a friend on TSL trying to encourage a writer who I think has the Right Stuff, I would write that sentence thus:
  
  “I ran and caught a glimpse through the corner of my eye, of the flames.”
  
  Faster, no?
  
  Pg. 2 : “I was in the centre of a white corridor, looking down it was like looking out to sea.”
  
  Looking, looking. One should go. “I stood in the centre of a white corridor and looked down its length. The view was like looking out to sea.”
  
  Pg. 2 : This has nothing to do with adverbs, but with wordiness. I cannot help myself. You are too talented to ignore certain things that would polish off the brass and make it shine:
  
  “It was now that I noticed that the walls were not as bland as I had first thought, . . .” Look at that sentence and break it down into four-word sections. See? Wordy.
  
  “I noticed the walls were not as bland as I first thought. There were figures fixed within them.”
  
  SPELLING/OTHER ERRORS:
  
  In general, be sure to indent your paragraphs.
  
  Pg. 3 – “sniggers” should be “snickers.”
  
  Pg. 4 - “. . . they dismembered me . . . “ Dismembered? As in, mutilated, torn limb by limb?
  
  Pg. 5 – “. . . wires hung decrepitly . . .” Not a word, “decrepitly.” Kill it. “. . . decrepit wires hung . . .”
  
  Pg. 7 - “We were approaching the end of the second street . . .” KILL that adverb, Max ! “We approached the end of the second street . . .”
  
  Pg. 7 - “. . . and glared, accusingly, through . . .” Accusingly? Adverb? What’s wrong with “glared through” ?
  
  Okay, that is far enough with the adverb flagellation. I’m sure you understand.
  
  Pg. 12 – Who is ‘Marcus’ ? The three bullies are not identified by name. read
• 
  Keeps You Turning Pages
  A review of The Lament (rev)
  by JarrettWright on 01/30/2012
  Unfortunately I am not really well versed in short story analysis, so I will just give you my opinions as a random reader. I can't really put my finger on anything I truly disliked about this piece. In my opinion there were no glaring flaws. I apologize because you probably posted this hoping people would give you ideas to make it better, but it seemed pretty solid to me. I... Unfortunately I am not really well versed in short story analysis, so I will just give you my opinions as a random reader. I can't really put my finger on anything I truly disliked about this piece. In my opinion there were no glaring flaws. I apologize because you probably posted this hoping people would give you ideas to make it better, but it seemed pretty solid to me. I guess if I had to pinpoint exactly what I liked about this story I would say that it kept my interest the whole time, so I guess don't change the pacing at all if possible. Sorry I couldn't be more helpful on this one :/ Good work! read
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  Lamented
  A review of The Lament (rev)
  by mpet on 01/27/2012
  This was a very interesting read, very well written. The imagery of the opening sequence is fantastic, dark, moody, very atmospheric. The emotional impact of the second section really hits hard. My only complaint would be the ending. While I like the "Walk on. Maybe you'll find a better hell." line. It almost sounds out of place. It's the re occurrence of this "you"... This was a very interesting read, very well written. The imagery of the opening sequence is fantastic, dark, moody, very atmospheric. The emotional impact of the second section really hits hard.
  
  My only complaint would be the ending. While I like the "Walk on. Maybe you'll find a better hell." line. It almost sounds out of place. It's the re occurrence of this "you". Is "you" speaking these lines? I almost have to wonder if book ending the story with the same imagery that occurred in the intro wouldn't benefit the story.
  
  The core of your story is the middle. The dark, revenge filled, sinister corruption of human flesh. I am tempted to suggest that you concentrate on that, leaving behind the hellish into and discussions with whoever. Simply start your story with the childhood incident, really build some internal rage and then it explore on us at the school.
  
  All those suggestions aside, I really loved this story. It has this sinister quality that really turns me on. read
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  The Lament (rev) - Review
  A review of The Lament (rev)
  by covofdark on 01/24/2012
  Hey Max, I just got, “The Lament” today and breeze right through. I’m becoming a big fan after reading this and your previous work. Spoiler. Reading the opening, was like reliving a nightmare most of us has had at one time or another. Dante's inferno comes to mind. The story is told through Nathan Linnogen. It’s terrible what happens to him at the hands of the older youths... Hey Max,
  
  I just got, “The Lament” today and breeze right through. I’m becoming a big fan after reading this and your previous work.
  
  Spoiler.
  
  Reading the opening, was like reliving a nightmare most of us has had at one time or another. Dante's inferno comes to mind. The story is told through Nathan Linnogen. It’s terrible what happens to him at the hands of the older youths in the woods as a kid.
  
  The story flashes forward in time to when Nathan is twenty-six. He’s working at a school doing electrical work on a phone circuit. On his lunch break, he’s witnesses the same cruelty on a child by three toughs who take delight in his suffering, the same as he once experienced years ago. In a nick of time, the boy is spared further cruelty, when a teacher appears on scene, and the toughs leave.
  
  Nathan came up with some interesting names to describe these toughs in simple English, The kicker, The Grabber, and The Name Caller. He has plans for the boys, and it won’t be to their liking. Nice setup with Nathan driving the van and cornering some of the boys. Good exchange of dialogue between the Detective and Nathan—very believable, as well as, Nathan’s reaction to stay cool under the detective inquiry of the missing boy.
  
  This is the case, where a person is so traumatized as a child, when he’s an adult, strong and capable—seeks revenge against tormentors. Nice twist how the boys fought back against Nathan, I didn’t expect that. I thought he had them in complete control once he got them in the back of his van. It became pretty graphic at this point. Nice. The ending was great. Also, there’s a good morality story here of how one deals with traumatic pain inflicted upon them in their early years and it carries through into their adulthood. All the best. read
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  Review of: The Lament (rev)
  A review of The Lament (rev)
  by mmckean on 01/23/2012
  Hey Max, It's me again. The Lament was really a quite amazing story. Some of the sentences were still a bit jumbled (reminiscent of Necro Phil) but I can tell you spent a lot of time on the writing of the piece and on the story in particular. SUMMARY: "The Lament" is a short story about a man who is condemned to hell for murdering three bullies and ends up trying to find... Hey Max,
  
  It's me again. The Lament was really a quite amazing story. Some of the sentences were still a bit jumbled (reminiscent of Necro Phil) but I can tell you spent a lot of time on the writing of the piece and on the story in particular.
  
  SUMMARY: "The Lament" is a short story about a man who is condemned to hell for murdering three bullies and ends up trying to find a little solace through telling his story to another person he meets in hell (the reader). Excellent idea for narrating the story like you did by the way. It made it a lot more personal.
  
  CONCEPT: GOOD. Although stories like this have been told in various books and movies I was still thoroughly entertained.
  
  CHRACTERS: GOOD. Backstory of a traumatic experience in the protagonists past (bullies beating the crap out of him with sticks) helped to build his character and explains his actions later in the story.
  
  DIALOGUE: AVERAGE. I thought the principal was overly suspicious and interrogating before he even had enough facts to reach any sort of conclusion.
  
  STORY: GOOD. Attention grabbing beginning. Interesting middle. And circuitous ending (back where we started.)
  
  STRUCTURE: GOOD.
  
  OVERALL: GOOD. I could see this being published in a horror magazine or something.
  
  Good job, Max! read