Reviews of The Last Stop on the Long King Road 25

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  The Last Stop on the Long King Road - A Review
  A review of The Last Stop on the Long King Road
  by Michael Leath on 04/20/2013
  I used to be a fan of Stephan King. Read everything that came out by him. Then I stopped. I started reading spy novels and then found Clavell. I never thought much about why I turned on King. But then it came to me. I stopped liking his brand of fantasy/horror/sci-fi. The last thing I read by him that absolutely rocked me was The Mist. I bring this up because this story reminded... I used to be a fan of Stephan King. Read everything that came out by him. Then I stopped. I started reading spy novels and then found Clavell. I never thought much about why I turned on King. But then it came to me. I stopped liking his brand of fantasy/horror/sci-fi.
  
  The last thing I read by him that absolutely rocked me was The Mist.
  
  I bring this up because this story reminded me of King. Unlike some, I always found him to be a powerful writer. Horror isn't respected. It's like comedy in film. I cannot recall any comedy that won the Oscar for best picture. That says something. The most truly difficult style of film and it is trivialized.
  
  Maybe horror is the same. I don't know.
  
  My complaint is this. With horror/sci-fi/fantasy the conflict is the special effects. So many sci-fi stories I've read here spend time telling me about the gadgets and ignore the conflict of the characters. I see horror the same way. A vampire is the conflict and the people who are racing to save their lives are just meat puppets heading to the slaughter.
  
  You are a brilliant writer. You hit every beat in this story. You did not overwrite with imagery. Nor did you underwrite this.
  
  Your dialog is professional and maybe the best I've seen since reading here. I'd suggest Mike Wolfson's Night Owls is your competition for the best short story on TSL that I have seen. Both of you constructed a world in which things are not the norm. You used the conflict - his about trust and yours about loss - and held fast to allowing that to carry a story.
  
  That is rare here with so many who do not understand how a story is assembled.
  
  What impressed me - other than your superb dialog - was how you maintained a growing tension that kept redoubling every few pages.
  
  I cared about Tom and Jeanette. I liked them from the beginning. Her always knowing what to do to make it perfect.
  
  I suffered his loss with him. And then the reality of the rest of the story made me a passenger. I could ignore the aspects I find to be weak in the usual fare, because you crafted such a well written piece.
  
  You had no soft spots, no weakness that caused me to stop reading. When I say weakness, I mean with the premise of sci-fi/horror/fantasy. Because those worlds are not real.
  
  No fiction is real. But basing fiction on something super natural/or space has always seemed to be the easy way out for conflict.
  
  You prove otherwise. However, you are not the usual who offers up something fantastic that immediately causes my disbelief to work overtime.
  
  You framed the story in a reality that allowed me to suspend disbelief. And that puts you in rarefied air.
  
  I read a novel by Dean Koontz a few years ago. One of those stuck in an airport for a day flying stand-by and for some reason the blurb on the back looked interesting. I find him to be tedious.
  
  I bring this up because I think you kick his ass, frankly.
  
  Not sure where this length of story can go, but you need to find a home for this. Maybe a magazine that serializes. Or one that will take it all. I don't read much in magazines.
  
  But this was superior.
  
  
  I found a few slight typos below. They didn't matter at all. Just thought you'd like to know.
  
  This was well done and I appreciate you sharing it.
  
  
  
  
  Pg 15 - “The King says come. The fuck did that mean?(")
  
  PG 29 “No. What he wanted to know(s) about you, he know it now.”
  
  Pg 34 You will know that I can be a benevolent King.(") end of paragraph. read
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  Bravo!
  A review of The Last Stop on the Long King Road
  by Rich Berry on 01/12/2010
  Best short story I have read here at TS. Until this review is posted I won't know where the story stands in the ranking but if its not a top 10 something is amiss. Good premise played out in a nicely paced story. The timing of the switches from flashback to present are good. Easy to follow. Very good introduction of Tom and Jeanette. The verbal interplay between them is completely... Best short story I have read here at TS. Until this review is posted I won't know where the story stands in the ranking but if its not a top 10 something is amiss.
  Good premise played out in a nicely paced story. The timing of the switches from flashback to present are good. Easy to follow.
  Very good introduction of Tom and Jeanette. The verbal interplay between them is completely believable.
  Same goes for Sam, whose dialogue is on the money. Rough, world weary with a wisdom born of experience. Too often this type of character is cartoonish, not so here.
  But, yeah there's always a but, the question arises after Tom realizes the destructive power of the Nikon as to why he didn't just try to smash it to pieces. Seems like the logical thing to do. No doubt some force would have prevented his doing so but at no point does he make the attempt.
  IMO drop the dog. It doesn't mesh with the rest of the story and will not be missed.
  Suggested changes, etc.:
  Pg. 2- Why a Star Wars lunch box (which requires the reader to have specific knowledge of that item)rather than simply a child's lunch box?
  Pg. 14- "You might not be able to tell, but I wasn't in the line of work most people would call 'honorable' or 'legal' back then." Quite the opposite. His physical description says "Outlaw".
  Pg. 15- Echo rang out? I think you mean the echo died out.
  Pg. 19- "It was less than an hour from Wethersfield to West Haven." How did they get there? No mode of transportation is mentioned.
  Pg. 20- "Sam took a pull on the pint of Jack Daniels he came back to the room with." Wording feels awkward. Perhaps "pint of Jack Daniels he brought back to the room" or "had stashed away".
  Pg. 21- "He'd done the same amount of hair raising as anyone else". In my experience the term is HELL raising. Although you could have a hair raising (scary) experience while doing some hell raising.
  Pg. 22- "Not every person who lived on the Road were friendly." WAS friendly.
  Pg. 29- “No. What he wanted to know about you, he know(s) it now.”
  Pg. 29- “She wants me to do this for you, though.” Confusing. Jeanette is saying I this and I that. Then Jeanette uses "she". Is Jeanette referring to herself or the King which would be "he"?
  Notice that none the things I listed has any significant effect on the story. Ignore them one and all if you wish.
  The story was a pleasure to read.
  
  Best, Rich read
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  The Last Stop on the Long King Road
  A review of The Last Stop on the Long King Road
  by Carrick on 01/08/2010
  While this is a well-written story, I would say that the whole "camera steals your soul" thing isn't exactly original. I'm pretty sure there was an Are You Afraid of the Dark? episode about it. But because of the fresh take you have on it, I'm certain that you'll be able to think of something more original for the next one. :) The next most major problem is with your arbitrary... While this is a well-written story, I would say that the whole "camera steals your soul" thing isn't exactly original. I'm pretty sure there was an Are You Afraid of the Dark? episode about it. But because of the fresh take you have on it, I'm certain that you'll be able to think of something more original for the next one. :)
  
  The next most major problem is with your arbitrary and inconsistent supernatural rules. When writing something fantastical of any kind, you really need to pick a few simple rules and stick with them. As it is, it seemed like you were just going all over the place with whatever you happened to think of. The camera affects different victims in different ways, there's a magical pin that points to the next station, victims of the camera turn into sand creatures and attack Tom.... Your Long King can't just be all-powerful and do whatever he wants. Or if he can, what, is he god?? He seems like Death by the end, but even Death is highly restricted.
  
  Thirdly, I had no idea why Tom had to go on that journey. I didn't see what benefit it had to either him or the Long King. If the Long King can do whatever he wants, why didn't he just say hey, I'm over here in Ghost City? Or hell, if he can do whatever he wants, why didn't he just transport himself (or one of his minions) to Tom? And what determined where each station was??
  
  Here are some notes while I was reading:
  
  Note sure why you're telling us about having traded in his car. Feels like extraneous info.
  
  Great backstory with the camera. The whole story really gives it a heft, mystery, importance--especially with the undeveloped film, of course--although it does feel like you could cut some details (e.g. about his wife's shopping habit).
  
  I like your anthropomorphizing of the camera: it wants to get there, it's drunk on power, Sam using the term "stone dead" for it, etc. Feels like a mysterious, scary force.
  
  Really chilling when he picks up the photos. I really wanted to know what was on them, too, and the pay-off with looking eerily real and the lights above their heads was really chilling (although very reminiscent of the photos in The Omen).
  
  "The King says come." Also instills a great sense of mystery.
  
  "The camera always tells you where to start." I got chills, man.
  
  Why don't they just destroy the camera? According to Sam, Tom wants to find out "what happened to his missus," but I dunno, that seems too risky: if the camera actually WANTS them to take that road, then it can't be good. If his wife were still alive, however, like in a coma or something, then it would make sense that he would take any chance to reverse the process or whatever.
  
  "Tom didn't respond. He knew what it meant." Well, we don't. Clue us in.
  
  Don't understand why Tom says "No" when Fuzz says "King's waiting for you." Isn't that the whole reason he's come all the way out here??
  
  "You've done me a service none have yet completed." I have no idea what he's talking about. How was Tom's finding him a service? Didn't he get what he wanted merely by Tom taking pictures?
  
  The reveal of why and how the camera got these powers--that it photographed deaths--is pretty good. read
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  My Attention
  A review of The Last Stop on the Long King Road
  by sara bernal on 01/05/2010
  the story kept my attention to the maximum, it was very good to read it and I liked the way you wrote, a descriptive way and scenery caught my attention until the middle of the history The first chapters intentionally (?) Led me to a different expectation about the development, especially when the encounter with the dog dead happens. I think the action was very fast and perhaps... the story kept my attention to the maximum, it was very good to read it and I liked the way you wrote, a descriptive way and scenery caught my attention until the middle of the history
  The first chapters intentionally (?) Led me to a different expectation about the development, especially when the encounter with the dog dead happens. I think the action was very fast and perhaps a little explored.
  There is an ancient belief that a photography has the power to capture the soul of the man, their resemblance to the reality makes the picture confused with the portrayed and the two are similar, they can replace each other and so this is the symbolic and magic meaning of the photography and in a certain way you led me to this atmosphere .
  This story has a great potential, maybe you should explore a little bit more the way the nikon interacts with the king - perhaps the king in this case is just the photo ghost, the soul of the portrayed people? read
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  A Picture Steals the Soul
  A review of The Last Stop on the Long King Road
  by DebraSwan on 07/14/2009
  Good story. Nicely written, but it does need another edit for a few grammar and punctuation errors - however they were minor. I liked the premise of the story, even though this is not my favourite genre. The relationship between Jeanette and Tom was very believable, and I think you could have even expanded on it a bit to help the reader empathize with Tom's loss. There was... Good story. Nicely written, but it does need another edit for a few grammar and punctuation errors - however they were minor.
  I liked the premise of the story, even though this is not my favourite genre. The relationship between Jeanette and Tom was very believable, and I think you could have even expanded on it a bit to help the reader empathize with Tom's loss. There was a nice beginning to a relationship with Sam that I think could have been richer - not sure why he got killed off, because he could have added to the story all the way through.
  However,I was engaged right from the beginning and Tom's character did win me over in the end.
  It was hard for me to understand where the camera got its power from and how the Long King discovered it had power in the first place. I re-read that part but it still wasn't clear. That may not be the fault of the writer - I think those who have a love for this genre would likely get it easily. My imagination doesn't go to the places it needs to I guess for me to really appreciate that part of the story.
  
  I can appreciate that the writer does have an amazing imagination and a gift for putting pen to paper (or is it fingers to key board now?). Lovely writing style and will definitely read more of your stuff.
  
  Thanks for the journey into a place I would not have otherwise traveled! read
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  Last Stop on the long king road
  A review of The Last Stop on the Long King Road
  by justintagg on 06/12/2009
  I have been hoping for this story for a while and was pleased to see it pop into my assignments. It is a long read but I did not mind in the slightest, it flows well so those 39 pages are considerably easier to get through then some stories half the length. I also like to read a story which I feel teaches me something. I read a lot and one thing which impresses me is when... I have been hoping for this story for a while and was pleased to see it pop into my assignments. It is a long read but I did not mind in the slightest, it flows well so those 39 pages are considerably easier to get through then some stories half the length.
  
  I also like to read a story which I feel teaches me something. I read a lot and one thing which impresses me is when a writer can be selective about their use of words. How they can make a story flow yet not miss out any character information. This is a very efficient style and for the first 10 pages was a joy.
  
  However, I think the story did drop in the middle. This happens a lot and there is a very good reason why.
  
  A writers imagination is often quite capable of creating wonderful setups and imaginative endings. The ideas which comprise twists flow from some writers like rain but when the REALLY hard work comes the craft of writing fiction starts to become a headache because we have the annoying second act! The part where it is important to keep up the conflict, release timely exposition and take us deeper into the 3-dimensional characters set up in Act 1 yet never allow the story to drift back to lesser actions, always moving towards further turning points which take us to places our protagonist cannot turn back from.
  
  In this story I am afraid this did not happen, we practically skipped act 2 and the majority of what must have been a long, emotionally and psychologically draining journey.
  
  The structure fell down in the centre and whilst I loved reading it it would need a serious re-write and would take you coming to terms with the lengthening of it before it would flow correctly.
  
  You will find a lot of joy with this piece on here. Why not? It's great! But beyond this place waits a world of great writing, a world of people who want to be the best in this industry and unfortunately that means that great will not always be good enough. I see you wrote this from an opening line/concept and then decided to see where it would go. At the beginning of the story this works, we know as little as you did, but as the story moves forward some parts of the narrative remained as thin. I can accept Sam not wanting to go into details of the camera, I even admire that, but we rush through the lengthy part of the journey on the long king road and enter into a slow ending which sees all of the exposition rolled out in one dialogue heavy 'confrontation' at the end rather than seeping bits out along the way. Let me give you one of the clearest examples of what I am talking about, your story is called The Last Stop on the Long King Road, in this story we see the first couple of stops and the last couple of stops but the stops in the middle are all but ignored. this throws the continuity you set up at the beginning of the story out and throws the pacing out of sync from the manner you set up at the start, we move from detailed prose to jumping through moments too fast to experience the conflict. The conflict with Sam seemed to be going somewhere very interesting but this was dealt with too quickly by killing him off. Etc. etc.
  
  This story has great potential and as somebody who loves stories I only want the best for it so if you want to take this somewhere please don't give up on making it the best it can be.
  
  I would suggest getting back to the main aims of your characters, looking at similar quest stories and how their second act holds up so well. This may surprise you but the general idea is not so far removed from stories like The Wizard of Oz. This could quite easily have skipped half the route on the yellow brick road but if it had we would have lost the magic and been left with only a hell of an idea to hold the story together and when that breaks down we must still have strong foundations underneath.
  
  This is one of the best 2/3 stories I have read on this site without question and I genuinely admire the style in which most of it is written. I will even re-read certain parts to help gain further clarity on my own writing and would welcome the chance to read a further draft if you ever decide to write one. If you are as good and commited a writer as you seem to be then I am certain you already know the things I am mentioning here and may even welcome them being spotted by somebody else.
  
  Heres hoping!
  
  Congratulations, best of luck and thanks for sharing
  
  And finally... Fantastic Title! read
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  Love the Potential
  A review of The Last Stop on the Long King Road
  by PeacefullySubjected on 06/04/2009
  What a wonderful story!!! If you could stretch this out into 800 more pages you’d have yourself something along the lines of a Stephen King. I don’t know about anyone else, but I would read it. For a story that wrote itself as you went, I thought you did an excellent job. Are you sure you weren’t possessed? The writing was good, kept my attention, and was descriptive... What a wonderful story!!! If you could stretch this out into 800 more pages you’d have yourself something along the lines of a Stephen King. I don’t know about anyone else, but I would read it. For a story that wrote itself as you went, I thought you did an excellent job. Are you sure you weren’t possessed? The writing was good, kept my attention, and was descriptive.
  
  Every time I had a question, if I had patience, the question was answered. I’m not sure that I fully grasp the idea of loading objects up with souls so the King could release his grief though. While you explained it, I don’t know that it was clear enough. I’ve read it over a couple of times and it still isn’t falling into place as well as I’d like.
  
  I think you could really lengthen this story with more detail, the time that Tom and Sam spend on the Road and then again when it’s just Tom. The adventures and the people that they meet could really make this an interesting journey. You could slowly put the pieces in place little by little so that when he finally gets to Ghost City we have more to go on when he meets the King.
  
  Also, because the camera snatches up the dog in the desert more quickly than when he takes the picture of the wedding party, I’d like to know the process the camera uses when taking a soul. The more if feeds, the faster it takes them? The closer it gets to the end of the journey, the faster it takes them? Why do some people die and some don’t? Is the King himself possessing the camera and other objects? What’s the power that’s binding this all together and how did he come by it?
  
  As a short story it’s complete enough and I think you did a good job. But I can see some real potential here for something more. I’d love to read the book.
  
  Kudos. read
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  Review - The Last Stop on the Long King
  A review of The Last Stop on the Long King Road
  by bduggan on 05/28/2009
  I had the pleasure of reading a very imaginative, well written and properly constructed short story. No grammatical problems, no misspelling and no loss of thematic power. Yes! I found a short story with a theme and a rare treat indeed. This was expertly written and very polished. I also enjoyed the length of the tale. The mystery is best when revealed slowly. The characterization... I had the pleasure of reading a very imaginative, well written and properly constructed short story. No grammatical problems, no misspelling and no loss of thematic power. Yes! I found a short story with a theme and a rare treat indeed. This was expertly written and very polished. I also enjoyed the length of the tale. The mystery is best when revealed slowly. The characterization was very well done. In a short time the reader learned to identify with Tom and Jeanette. Because time was taken to sketch out the character I was allowed to sympathize.
  
  Life, death and the space in between are eternal, everlasting themes that echo in stories from the dawn of mankind. It was a distinct pleasure to have read this tale. I believe it would form the basis of a wonderful movie script. read
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  "The Last Stop" Review
  A review of The Last Stop on the Long King Road
  by John Rodgers on 04/24/2009
  The story takes an interesting approach on the camera-stealing-souls concept, connecting it with a supernatural world, but is not well articulated, uneven, leaves many questions unanswered, and calls for more details. I will skip grammar and punctuation notes and briefly go through the story. I like starting pages with Tom and Jeanette. They got level of details I would... The story takes an interesting approach on the camera-stealing-souls concept, connecting it with a supernatural world, but is not well articulated, uneven, leaves many questions unanswered, and calls for more details. I will skip grammar and punctuation notes and briefly go through the story.
  
  I like starting pages with Tom and Jeanette. They got level of details I would like to see through the entire story. Not much said on the drama Tom experienced as Jeannette dies. Following Jeanette’s death, story goes on the cursory path and becomes jumpy. Not clear, when and how Tom finds out that the camera causes people to die. He reflects on Jeanette's death:
  
  [“I'm sorry, baby, I didn't know.”]
  
  Didn't know what? Has Tom already realized how camera works? No, because below we read:
  
  ["What he didn't know was why. What was it that pulled her away from him? What had he done to her? To her family? To the fucking flowers?"]
  
  'What was it?' and 'What had he done' are still open questions. By the way, if he doesn't know about how the camera works, why he feels guilty?
  
  Following that, he comes to pick her picture:
  ["He picked up the pictures two days after the funeral. … Maybe to have one last picture of her, maybe to see what this damn thing did."]
  
  "Damn thing". The camera. He does know about its deadly powers. So, where is that moment he made this discovery? I miss its description. And what stopped him from destroying the camera at that moment?
  
  ["Sam pointed at the envelopes. “You never would've been able to take those, cause the Nikon would've been stone dead by now.”]
  
  Right on, this is the obvious way to get rid of the camera. Destroy it. At least, give it a try. How come no one before got emotional and hit it against the wall or thrown it into the river?
  
  [“I ain't gonna go through all the people I fucked up with that camera, and all the years it took to figure out. I lost that camera years back. Drenched in another fall off the wagon I sold it for ten bucks. Since then I been tracking it down. Tracking you down.”]
  
  A devastating self exposure of Sam's character. After he learned that he trashed lives of so many friends (who else he would mostly take pictures of), Sam sold the camera for ten bucks. Lusus naturae.
  
  [“Now this last one is interesting,” he picked up the picture of Jeanette. “The light's bigger. Her face, it's more...there. Ain't seen that yet.”
  “What does that mean?” Tom asked.
  “No idea. I know it means you're different, though. Ain't like any of the others. We'll talk about that in a minute. Look at the other roll.”]
  
  Here is Sam’s first attempt to position Tom as the one who " put the end to it all ". Neo. What is his rationale? Size of Jeanette’s light. How Janette’s light makes Tom so different and so special?
  
  [“That's where you'll fix this whole thing.”
  Tom leaned back in the chair.
  “Wait, what?” he said. “Why do I have to stop this and who says I even care?”
  Sam chuckled like he was trying to tell a five year old why he had to go to school.
  “You're the only one who can, son. Camera belongs to you now. Wouldn't work for me
  anymore. It decides who it's owner is, not the other way around. And you care because it's the only chance you have of finding out what happened to your missus. And just maybe stop the whole thing from ever happening again.”]
  
  It is Sam’s second attempt to explain Tom his fix-this-whole-thing role in this story and to motivate him. “Camera belongs to you now.” So, what? How that makes him different from all others who owned the camera? Tom thinks that his wife died. To motivate Tom, Sam should say: “Your wife is not where you think. She is in between life and death. You can still have chance to get her back.” Sam might have told the same thing to previous owners of the camera. Unlike others, Tom accepts the challenge and that makes him the one who would be able to face the King. Depth and passion of his drama would make him equal to the King and give him chance to become the one who would “put the end to it all.” That changes Sam’s mission, too.
  
  [“ “How did you know that?”
  “Because the camera always tells you where to start. That's your first stop on the Long King Road.”]
  
  How exactly camera “tells you where to start?”
  
  [“…he protected it not only because it was his tourbook of the Road, but because everyone that had been photographed by it was bonded to it in some way.”]
  
  He was taking pictures on the Road? Killing everything in focus just to have some memories?
  
  A few more questions.
  
  How Sam knows that much? How Sam found out about the Road? How others know about the road? It appears that all or many people who used the camera are connected and communicate to each other. How? There should be some mechanism in the world of your story to make it happened and to explain how it works.
  
  The episodes with dog are confusing. I also think that the talking dog is foreign to the world of your story.
  
  Why the Long King's transparency makes Tom think that the King is not that powerful? May be transparency is a natural attribute of the supernatural being?
  
  Last, but not least. The camera. If you keep it film camera, you need to set a time frame of your story before a digital age. If camera goes digital, by obvious reasons it limits your story continuance to one-two years. read
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  Good Stuff
  A review of The Last Stop on the Long King Road
  by pela-via on 04/19/2009
  I enjoyed this story. The writing was sharp and the concept was different. In all, I think it is a higher quality piece. The character development, and the relationship between Tom and "Jeanbean" (very cute nickname, by the way) was lovely. I thought the feel of the first third of the story was especially stylistic and interesting. I visualized the Saturday mornings, the... I enjoyed this story. The writing was sharp and the concept was different. In all, I think it is a higher quality piece.
  
  The character development, and the relationship between Tom and "Jeanbean" (very cute nickname, by the way) was lovely. I thought the feel of the first third of the story was especially stylistic and interesting. I visualized the Saturday mornings, the old camera and the dialog without effort. It was all very sharp.
  
  All that I have in the way of suggestions would be about the length and the proportion between the setup and the resolution. If I must be in critic mode, then I confess I was somewhat bored at the midway point, the scenes with Sam. It was a very quick jump for me. I enjoyed the thorough development of setting and tone in the beginning, I was really into Tom's relationship with Jeanette, and then somewhat abruptly, much of what I was interested in hit a wall. Without the same pace or detail, we're told [SPOILER] of Jeanette's death. I felt a slight disconnect from Tom's character when I wasn't allowed to experience his wife's death with him as it happened. This wasn't a big deal since it's not that kind of story, but for me the early tone had me expecting some emotional follow-through.
  
  As Tom embarked on the Road, things got slightly fuzzy for me. The plot was less clear. Tom's experience - his feelings and visuals - felt much more distant. Insane stuff started happening but we're given everything in quick summaries. For me, when he reached Ghost City, the payoff wasn't as high as I had hoped. It was good, but I admit I was hoping for the emotional resolution. I wanted Jeanette brought back to life - I was not ready to let her go and move on as quickly as it seemed Tom was - but that's not to say that's the right ending. The explanations from the King moved quick and never felt completely clear to me. (I have to stress I'm quite lame about following action-type details.) I chose to not question the logic of the explanations - I sort of took the author's word for it that it made sense.
  
  In light of the revelations at the end, I think the super creative ideas here were somewhat lofty for a short story. I think perhaps to make it work in a way that 1. keeps the reader emotionally hooked throughout and 2. creates a larger payoff through the existing creative twists, the author could maybe 1. condense the beginning - keep the good stuff, but say it in fewer words. Maybe set a quicker pace and kick-start the action a bit sooner so that is the primary focus while the character development occurs in the background. And 2. trim the amount of scenes in the middle in exchange for detail in the ending. The King gave quite a speech as he had to single-handedly explain the entire concept of the plot. I might have digested it better if the facts were worked into the action rather than in one long monologue.
  
  I've written a lot here, but I swear I think it is really good as-is. These were only ideas, not changes I think must be made. The story is good and the author seems like a really good writer.
  
  And I LOVED the talking dog. read