Reviews of The Saracen Locket 20

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  Ok Women are Stronger than Man, I get it
  A review of The Saracen Locket
  by Crispim on 11/14/2012
  This story could have been a great story, but it wasn't. It wasn't because the writer seemed more focus in stating that women dominate men, instead of actually telling a story. We start with the tagline, that says Maylin is a woman with a secret. Yet, the secret is revealed on the first pages, where we can see she is an immortal being. For this to work, the writer needed to... This story could have been a great story, but it wasn't. It wasn't because the writer seemed more focus in stating that women dominate men, instead of actually telling a story. We start with the tagline, that says Maylin is a woman with a secret. Yet, the secret is revealed on the first pages, where we can see she is an immortal being. For this to work, the writer needed to conceal the secret, build up the tension, and make the reader believe she was a normal, gorgeous woman.
  
  We have at least 2 pages, where Maylin is just describing to one other immortal, yet another powerful lady, her dress. They are literally just talking about dresses and shopping, and we find long descriptions of the clothing. This adds nothing to the story. If you describe something, some object, in a story, it is because that object is important to the story itself. This wasn't the case, therefore those pages, although well written, are pointless.
  
  Conflict...there is none. The immortal lady is not put under any conflict. She is been living forever. does she has some regrets? why she kills only men? did one guy hurt her, once upon a time? there are millions of ways that the writer could have used, to explore this tale.
  
  Dialogues were pointless and had nothing to the reader.
  
  All we know at the end is that Maylin is immortal and killed 2 guys, and is bored with the all killing situation.
  
  Women do have power over men, and if this was the subject, it should have been explored to a deeper level.
  I'm terribly sorry for my honesty.
  
  Best of luck on the next piece. read
• 
  Hard to understand
  A review of The Saracen Locket
  by Ng Hoi Yee on 06/08/2012
  I didn't quite get the story. The ending mentioned two more. Two more men to kill and what would be the purpose? So once the men, the victims, put on the locket, they somehow went into another world. They saw Maylin who turned into a beast and devoured them. Was Maylin a witch or some kind of sorceress? What was the purpose of the locket? What did it do? Why would she need... I didn't quite get the story. The ending mentioned two more. Two more men to kill and what would be the purpose? So once the men, the victims, put on the locket, they somehow went into another world. They saw Maylin who turned into a beast and devoured them. Was Maylin a witch or some kind of sorceress? What was the purpose of the locket? What did it do? Why would she need to devour the men? Was it to perform some sort of ritual or was she just a beast that feed on human beings? Only in this case men became the easy targets as she could bewitch them with her beauty in her human form.
  
  The story didn't quite explain itself but the idea is original and a good attempt. read
• 
  Intriguing, but wanted more
  A review of The Saracen Locket
  by karlasbryant on 04/11/2012
  The story started out strong with some dark details and enough mystery to make the reader eager to learn more. The protagonist is a compelling enigma, who draws the reader in further. However, then the story seemed to meander. There was quite a bit of attention made to custom gowns that had been made for the protagonist, and then it moved quickly to a violent closing scene... The story started out strong with some dark details and enough mystery to make the reader eager to learn more. The protagonist is a compelling enigma, who draws the reader in further.
  
  However, then the story seemed to meander. There was quite a bit of attention made to custom gowns that had been made for the protagonist, and then it moved quickly to a violent closing scene. The story begs for a little more explanation--not that everything has to be spelled out, but something that makes it all make sense to the reader.
  
  It has a wonderful concept with strong potential. If the story could be expanded a bit to give the reader a little more insight, it will markedly improve the overall read. read
• 
  Still in the dark
  A review of The Saracen Locket
  by Silver K. on 01/02/2012
  My first question is - is this a part of a series or a stand alone? If it's part of a series, I can see why you left the ending open and Maylin's objective obscure. However, if you are not planning to write more about this character then I have a ton of questions... I'll break it down page by page. Page 1: I like that you dropped us right in the middle of the drama- beautiful... My first question is - is this a part of a series or a stand alone? If it's part of a series, I can see why you left the ending open and Maylin's objective obscure. However, if you are not planning to write more about this character then I have a ton of questions... I'll break it down page by page.
  
  Page 1: I like that you dropped us right in the middle of the drama- beautiful woman beside a dead body. What's more is that she is concerned about the dead man's family. At this point I suspect she is a murderer with a conscience. Which leads me to believe that there is a greater purpose to her actions. So, of course I'm intrigued.
  
  Page 2: Penelope and Vienna are introduced. The call to Penelope is a great touch because now you've set up a world for me. I now know that other characters in this world know about Maylin's activities and exist to support her. At this point or even a little later, I would love to know more about this underworld. It doesn't have to be expository. Perhaps, just take us on a detour that follows Penelope or Vienna's activities. Also, I think it's great that so far only women are involved in the plot, which breaks the genre stereotype of only men masterminding a dark underworld.
  
  Page 3: So many important details are given here; A cycle that is complete every 250 years, a crown that Maylin might be awarded, Maylin's nonchalance about the upcoming event... Unfortunately, there isn't enough information to keep these details grounded and meaningful. Yet, I suspect they are very meaningful to the plot. Without more information, it's hard for a reader to care about the character and the character's journey. Although, leaving us in the dark for the time being is a good suspense device, there should be some answers later.
  
  Page 4: Lovely descriptions of clothing! Again, why do we need to know about this? What ceremony is Maylin attending? I really do want to know all of this. Any reader would. At this point I can only assume that Maylin is part of some sort of fashion underworld... Prove me wrong or prove me right!
  
  Page 5,6, and 7: Another victim and some major surprises about Maylin! Is Maylin a zombie or vampire or other paranormal creature? I don't think I've ever read a death scene quite like his. I understand it all takes place in Lyle's mind- which by the way, you can probably delete any "screams in his mind" phrases. It's very clear. The use of the locket is interesting as well. Is it full of psychotropic drugs or is it cursed?
  
  Page 8: And now she only has to kill two more people (men, I'm assuming...)... But why? Ah, so may things left in the dark.
  
  This story is a great start to a noir/horror story or series. It would be even better with more details about the character's motivations and, of course, some answers to the above questions. I definitely appreciated the all female cast. I feel like an even bigger reveal is in the horizon along this character's journey. I hope that's true and am looking forward to finding out what happens next. The pacing was well designed. I definitely found myself reading faster as the story went on and the mystery got deeper. Keep the rhythm going and keep up the great work! read
• 
  re: good concept
  A review of The Saracen Locket
  by eliane on 12/19/2011
  Your short story has a good concept and some of the characters seem good. Yet the storyline and the structure need further development. It starts out in an interesting way and then somehow, for me, as a reader, the events seem disconnected or perhaps just not enough as the storyline isn`t fully revealed. For example, what happens every 250 years? We don`t need details, but... Your short story has a good concept and some of the characters seem good. Yet the storyline and the structure need further development. It starts out in an interesting way and then somehow, for me, as a reader, the events seem disconnected or perhaps just not enough as the storyline isn`t fully revealed.
  
  For example, what happens every 250 years? We don`t need details, but we need clues. Maylin is an interesting and intense character but we need to see her relationships in both worlds.
  
  If you explore this mystery as she goes about her killing spree and as she relates to the other characters, we will get a better vision of what the world of your story is.
  
  Right now, it starts off with a good hook but the storyline seems all spread out so for me that needs to be revealed more and paced in such a way that we are following the rythm of the characters that inhabit Maylin`s world and also what Maylin`s world is like!
  
  Hope this helps.
  take care
  eliane read
• 
  Get that locket away...
  A review of The Saracen Locket
  by MaxWatt on 12/16/2011
  Reaching the end of this unusual story, I could only go back to the beginning, and out of pure interest, correlate the details with what I now knew from reading it. this is certainly an interesting story, which raises a lot of questions. Well done. You need to work on your sentences. They're too long and become tiresome in a hurry. You often continue sentences when they should... Reaching the end of this unusual story, I could only go back to the beginning, and out of pure interest, correlate the details with what I now knew from reading it. this is certainly an interesting story, which raises a lot of questions. Well done.
  
  You need to work on your sentences. They're too long and become tiresome in a hurry. You often continue sentences when they should be broken up so that the reader can follow them without losing their breath and there are may instances of this within your story but just to show you what I mean here's the best example: "slinging the dusty looking strap of the large duffle bag over her shoulder like an army brat headed off for camp and basically trampled out of Maylin’s office leaving the door wide open" - jesus! I feel out of breath just reading it. Invest in some commas, make it run smoothly. You're cramming too much information in. Slow it down.
  
  Also, this Lyle character, who is he? He comes out of nowhere, and there isn't even the suggestion of where he exists in Maylin's past. You need to be subtle with this, but add more information about these characters. Also, the dead character at the beginning. Who is he? And also, if Lyle is from her past, then surely the metaphor behind the scars on her cheek is that she has had bad experiences with men in the past? If the first man to die is just random, then the motivation for killing Lyle becomes inconsistent.
  
  In terms of your perspective, I was very confused when it changed to Lyle's POV. The entirety of the story is from Maylin, so the change feels inconsistent. You need to work it into the story in a way that feels natural.
  
  Also, your two female characters, Maylin and Vienna. I honestly couldn't tell them apart. They speak the same, act the same. And while you do describe them differently, the readers need to see the differences between them by seeing them interact.
  
  Finally, the little things. The main concern is the missing punctuation, full stops being the main culprit. Also, you need to indent your paragraphs. In dialogue, it is difficult to tell when one person has finished speaking and the other has begun. Indenting would solve this.
  
  If anything, this story needs to be expanded in order to fill in the details of your characters. As it is, I'm finding myself questioning your characters. They have much room for improvement. It doesn't feel rushed at all, it just needs to be developed more.
  
  Other niggling things:
  
  "The reflection that stared back at her was blank and cold" - "The reflection was blank and cold.
  
  "only three more and it would be gone completely" - three more what? At this point in the story it is unclear, there's not even a suggestion of what it could mean. It only distracted me from the story. Maybe include it after we know about the corpse.
  
  “Just one, oh he was married but I couldn’t tell,” - does this matter?
  
  "The woman said cheerful reply" - pg 2.
  
  "Suddenly there was a flash of light and he was falling, as he fell, there were all sorts of vivid colours" - Suddenly there was a flash of light and he was falling. As he fell, there were vivid colours..."
  
  "without warning he landed hard." - Why would there be warning? read
• 
  Review of THE SARACEN LOCKET
  A review of The Saracen Locket
  by gulfcoastomega on 12/15/2011
  Review of THE SARACEN LOCKET I liked this story. It was well written. However I was left with unanswered questions -Maylin = what exactly is she? -Scar on left cheek = significance? -Why every 250 years = expand/elaborate -Penelope, Vienna = Cohorts, so Maylin is part of a larger group, what is this group? -The ceremony = expand/elaborate In story structure the main character/protagonist... Review of THE SARACEN LOCKET
  
  I liked this story.
  It was well written.
  However I was left with unanswered questions
  -Maylin = what exactly is she?
  -Scar on left cheek = significance?
  -Why every 250 years = expand/elaborate
  -Penelope, Vienna = Cohorts, so Maylin is part of a larger group, what is this group?
  -The ceremony = expand/elaborate
  
  
  
  In story structure the main character/protagonist is our hero. There must be something at stake for which the hero strives (against an antagonist - this creates conflict). We get on the side of the hero and root for him/her to succeed.
  
  So this story has the tricky task of getting us to root for a villain or bad guy (Maylin). The character Maylin requires more explanation so we can understand her motives and get on her side
  
  This story was creative with good imagination.
  There was good flow and description and with a few tweaks it could be taken to the next level. read
• 
  Visceral and a little sexy
  A review of The Saracen Locket
  by rz_sain on 12/14/2011
  I'm trying to read into this little short story, woman's drive for agelessness paid for by (butchered, literally) masculine requirement? If so I think you go easy on your characters by making the victims listless, wolfish men without merit and turn what happens into a more or less win-win situation. It's like Kill Bill if the bride was a hooker. Beyond that, I think you're... I'm trying to read into this little short story, woman's drive for agelessness paid for by (butchered, literally) masculine requirement? If so I think you go easy on your characters by making the victims listless, wolfish men without merit and turn what happens into a more or less win-win situation. It's like Kill Bill if the bride was a hooker. Beyond that, I think you're writing style is smart and quick and suits the story but I'm not sure why you went into quite some detail describing the second girl, the athletic one when she doesn't really factor in very heavily as an individual of significance to the plot. You also make her give out some quantity of information through the dialogue which could improve without this additional requirement of it. Lastly, you mention that 'you' would take the protagonist home to see your mother, while the other one is that friend of yours from college who was better at aports than any guy. When you say 'you', are you referring to the male readers or your piece, or establishing a homosexual intention here, and if that's the case, it would be more effective to the story, where I imagine it contextualizes well, if it were clarified. Anyway, that was a brief, fun story. Congratulations! read
• 
  Whew! Gruesome! But engaging.
  A review of The Saracen Locket
  by Wisdom Davi on 12/14/2011
  I have to be honest, this is my first short story review. I am not sure what is required, in a short story review and I apologize in advance for my lack of experience. However as my headline states, that was reaction at the end of reading your SS. If a writer is to paint pictures with his words than 'The Saracen Locket' did just that. I could visually see every moment of... I have to be honest, this is my first short story review. I am not sure what is required, in a short story review and I apologize in advance for my lack of experience.
  
  However as my headline states, that was reaction at the end of reading your SS.
  
  If a writer is to paint pictures with his words than 'The Saracen Locket' did just that.
  
  I could visually see every moment of the story. I was drawn quickly and my interest held throughout even though I normally steer clear of stories of this genre. read
• 
  Maylin's Last NAME is Saracen??
  A review of The Saracen Locket
  by MagnoliaMoon on 12/13/2011
  Review of “The Saracen Locket”, by Magnolia Moon Written by Claudie Muchindu Written in eight pages, “The Saracen Locker” begins with a bang and introduces two of its three main characters, Maylin and Penelope, in a very promising manner. Unfortunately, those pages are the most compelling in a story that needs revision and, most importantly, structure and plot. When I finished... Review of “The Saracen Locket”, by Magnolia Moon
  
  Written by Claudie Muchindu
  
  Written in eight pages, “The Saracen Locker” begins with a bang and introduces two of its three main characters, Maylin and Penelope, in a very promising manner. Unfortunately, those pages are the most compelling in a story that needs revision and, most importantly, structure and plot.
  
  When I finished page eight, I was left with the felling that I had no idea what I had just read. I knew there was a “crown” to be earned; that a scar on Maylin’s face faded each time she killed; that the locket she placed on her victim’s was surely the “Saracen” locket; that Maylin worked (?) at a "gallery" of some sort; that something happened only once every 250 years; that a “ceremony” would be involved if Maylin succeeded in killing enough victims. I guess? The ending was hollow and abrupt, and left many questions raised by the story unanswered.
  
  The story needs a complete revision, the structure needs to be built carefully, explanations must be included, the reader should know what is happening, and WHY.
  
  The writer’s style shows a lot of promise, her narrative voice is strong and clear, her creative nature obvious, which leads me to believe that “The Saracen Locket” I just read is an outline of a more substantial story to come. When that happens, I want to re-read “The Saracen Locket”.
  
  
  A FEW SUGGESTIONS:
  
  Recheck your story for punctuation, particularly in dialogue, e.g., page two:
  
  ““Penelope, I need you to make a pick up” she said without any greeting.”
  
  Insert a comma after the word “up”.
  
  “It’s getting harder now, guilt isn’t that easy to read anymore” the voice sighed and hung up.”
  
  Insert a comma after the word “anymore”.
  
  Further, this bit of dialogue might fare better if you name Penelope, i.e.:
  
  “It’s getting harder now, guilt isn’t that easy to read anymore,” Penelope sighed, and Maylin heard a “click”. The phone call had ended. She opened the curtains and looked down at the city below. This was all getting rather tedious she thought, as she put a slim silver watch around her wrist.”
  
  Following the conclusion of the dialogue, you might incorporate the next paragraph, which is only one sentence (see above). (A one-sentence paragraph is a technical “no-no”.) Clipped, abbreviated dialogue has its place in writing. However, the story may be bolstered by incorporating action from time to time, particularly when there is a string of relatively clipped dialogue. At the bottom of page two, continuing on page 3, is an example of what I mean.
  
  Page 3 – Spell numbers, two, not “2”.
  
  Page 3 - “Not all of us rush through this period.” Maylin said brushing off Vienna’s concern “Its hardly rushing, it only comes around every 250 years.” Vienna said with exasperation.” The dialogue in this instance NEEDS separation, because it is a quick exchange between the two women, which collides when written together.
  
  Ditto in the next paragraph – separate the dialogue. read